i want you to see this

This is something I want you to see.




That's probably not actually a thing, but this is the ghost shark off which it was based for the upcoming Hollywood blockbuster, SHARK ELEPHANTITIS.

I don't know, I find this little dude pretty scary.

DANZIG PUMP

Forget what you heard about Glenn Danzig being a washed up turd.

Because in his prime, there wasn't a harder rocker.

Ever been to a strip club? If some filthy skank gonna grind on me, I need to have this anthem playing.






Feel the slow burn of She Rides, as she rides, heh, yafeelmeh? Lol @ that mediocre ass shaking it in an unsexy manner to kick off the video. Almost drained the PUMP right out of the JAM. BUT NOT QUITE.

Sometimes you gotta PUMP it down to PUMP it up, namean? Mr. Danzig hain't afraid to showcase the pipes. Or the guns.




You know, just between you and I, I was torn between this jam and Sistinas. Two great, slower Danzig tunes putting his vocals on full display. Go ahead, click that hyperlinked embedded link that I magically hyperlinked to be embedded in the word "Sistinas" and do yoseff a favor and get maximum enjoyment and PUMP out of this here #DANZIGPUMP.

I remember like it was yesterday - I ordered the two CD set, the Lost Tracks of Danzig. And while there were quite a few stinkers on the two discs, the first disc kicks off with the following jam. And I can't think of a PUMPIER way to get the festivities STARTED.







JOIN ME FOR THE PUMP JOURNEY CULMINATING IN AN EPIC 41 MINUTE DANZIG VHS VIDEO TRANSLATED DIGITALLY FOR THE TECHNOLOGY GENERATION AND COMPUTERS:




One more DANZIGPUMP: I own the actual VHS! Thanks Heckyeahwoman!

AM I DEMON? GOTTA KNOW.

AM I PUMPED? GOTTA BE.

i'm not hitler, i swear

The other day at work, somebody compared me to Hitler. Somehow me voicing my desire to not have junkies in my backyard equates me with being a genocidal maniac (context: a co-worker noted an uptick in heroin usage in a neighboring city, and the possibility of a drug that could counteract heroin overdoses. I merely asked if such people that required said drug would be worth saving).

OK, there may have been other things, like my belief that the world is overpopulated, and that I should be in charge of trimming down the world citizenry (latter half kind of in jest). So yeah, I can kinda see how that is Hitler-esque.

Then I just read this ints little article that presents a positive turn in the quest to lower murders in Chicago. Note that "positive turn" denotes the amount of murders being lowered.

Basically, much in the same way marketers and companies track your purchasing habits, this Chicago police chief is tracking gang activity and criminal habits. His data and science driven approach is saving lives by seeing gang members not as predators OR prey, but as both at the same time. Apparently this puts the focus not on arrests, but on saving lives, regardless.

Naturally, there are stop and frisk aspects involved in the decline. I don't know, I' fancy myself a bit Libertarian, and I feel like SaF isn't the worst thing in the world. Then again, I'm a pretty chilled out dude with not a whole lot to hide from the po and if a cop really thought I was worth a frisk, yeah, go ahead, but don't tickle my sack tho.

Assuming that the violence and murder rarely spills out of a certain area of the city, and it sounds like there are certain areas that house most of the crime, I think I'd be OK with that demographic shooting the shit out of each other.

I'm not sure what kind of resources should be applied to segments of the population that have no regard for human life, or any desire to not commit crimes.

Much like my views on abortion (they should be mandatory and much more common), I believe in implementing a Compelled Crime program, where I take unsavory groups of people, re-populate them in a biodome-like structure and feed them all the guns, drugs, and fast food they can handle.

Naturally, this would be filmed and broadcast. But here's the catch: because I am (kind of) against human suffering for monetary profit, I would put it on antenna broadcast, free of commercials, free of interruption. Tell me the idea of a bunch of uneducated, overweight, poor people fighting and killing each other wouldn't be awesome.

I have actually proposed a similar idea to various animal rights groups, but failed to gain traction.

Wait, kinda sounds like a more dystopian Hunger Games. Anybody see Catching Fire?

everything is sexist

Holy crap, I was doing my daily morning scan of punknews.org and came across another lolworthy post in their lolworthy series of interviews, Rad Women Who Make Rad Art. This one happens to be numero cinco in the series.

Couple things of note here: women are awesome. In fact, I know one in particular that is way more than awesome. Women are as strong, funny, intelligent, capable, creative, whatever, as men.

Anyways, punknews has a kind of running theme about how women in punk, and to a lesser extent, the mainstream, are always victims, how they’re always struggling. How it’s so much easier for women with big tits and plastic faces and skinny bodies to succeed.

No shit! Have something that somebody else finds of value, and you can make money and become a commodity!

“Oh, but women aren’t a commodity!”, you say.

Oh but they are.

Men are too! If a woman possesses any of the above-mentioned qualities and is willing to whore herself out - BOOM, commoditized. And the problem certainly isn’t women, it’s our culture where a cheap thrill is valued more than anything of substance. Dudes, food, clothes/fashion, cars, everything has been chinsed out and raped.

So to be a whiny woman crying about being marginalized because of gender, nah, you’re sometimes marginalized because of licentiousness pervading American culture. And unfortunately that seeps down into sub- and counter-cultures, like punk.

And most of the time you’re not even marginalized - you’re not able to be marginalized - because you’re ugly, not creative, and have nothing of value to offer anybody. And that’s not because you’re a wom’n; it’s because as an individual, you fucking suck.

Sorry about the rant, I did just want to comment on one of the excerpts from the interview, peep my thoughts in bold.

Q: There is a good deal of conversation about whether it is difficult for women to exist in the music community. Do you think that it is easier, harder or the same to be a woman in the visual arts? Why?

A: I think it's harder, but then again, if you're skinny and rich and have some conventional asset to the industry's market, then I feel like you can either be unproductive and famous like Taylor Swift (Unproductive? I don’t think that would be right for Taylor Swift. Sure she may be producing what equates to shit, but she’s producing it at a pretty high rate) , or attempt using your voice to empower young girls and queers, like, say, Beyonce (If you find empowerment in cheap, vague, un-anthems littered with hip hop culture, then that sounds like you have a problem picking out genuine, novel art. Nothing Beyonce has done hasn’t been done before, better. She’s pretty, she can sing, and she can do a pretty spot on Incredible Hulk impression, but there is nothing new about her at all). Although, shit, I'm sure Beyonce has had to deal with some bullshit. (Why, because she’s black? Because every black person takes some bullshit? Assuming things like this automatically attributes her as a victim, when in reality, she’s far from it. We all deal with unfair bullshit in everyday life, on varying scales, some more than others, and you know what, most of the time it stems from pure stupidity - racist, sexist, or otherwise. But to have any sympathy for her at all, when there are people and animals out there suffering much more furiously, is, well, really fucking stupid.)

Despite that, in a smaller scale, I don't think women are taken seriously. I think we have to prove our worth in completely unfortunate or tiring ways to be taken seriously. I also think that at least in punk, it’s becoming clear that sexist behavior is such a joke. I don't have any sympathy or understanding for either straight up sexist behavior, like, remember that time Ben Weasel punched a woman (Nobody should be punching anybody; fighting is stupid, but I think Ben Weasel punching a woman is about as unsexist an act as there is. I think it’s fair to say he didn’t punch her because he hates women. Ben Weasel is a known asshole, but I’m not aware of any misogynistic views previously expressed. He punched her because he thought she was going to keep attacking him. As horrible as it is, equal rights means equal fights. Being a woman doesn’t provide license to physically attack dudes at will. And FYI - I think Hooters and strip clubs are stupid.) and people chose sides as if that was actually justifiable? (Really, in self-defense, punching somebody is sometimes actually justifiable, whether he punched her in self-defense is up for debate, not that he hates women.) Or straight up sexist business, like the way that Hellcat Records used to only have one "girl-fronted" band at a time, like if gender is a genre of music (So, did this really happen, or is this just hearsay? My money is on the latter. Also, not sure if Hellcat Records is a not-for-profit feminist organization or a record label being run for profit. Her insinuation that a record label should be compelled to sign bands based on gender is scary).

I can't imagine a DIY punk show with only white guys fronting bands and identifying as a "revolution." I have, however, seen a lot of labels and events exploring music by women and queers and acknowledging the power in our voice, because, fuck, our voices, when expressing anger, are genuinely cast aside by the mainstream (clearly she is not familiar with mainstream pop radio. Your voice is not cast aside because you’re an angry female, it’s cast aside because you’re probably dropping f-bombs every other word and it sounds tacky). And at the end of the day isn't giving power to silenced demographics what punk is all about? (That’s the beauty of punk - it can be whatever you want it to be)

Since I exist as a musician in punk, I can’t say much for the world outside of that. I’m not dedicated to revolutionizing the music industry that's already based on sexist and classist morals (Automatically identifying with the “underdog” and blindly despising “the rich” sounds pretty classist to me). I'm concerned with maintaining the spirit of punk that made it a haven for angry girls and angry queers and, fuck, angry straight guys who experience some kind of disenfranchisement and maybe have tough as nail mothers and a basic respect for women (Sounds like the problem is not sexism, rather, women like this flying the disenfranchisement flag, and having a sense of entitlement that screams, ‘look at me! I dress punk! I make art! I make music! It’s good!” No, it’s not automatically good. In fact, it’s automatically shitty until somebody finds enjoyment out of whatever it is you create. The problem is that art in general is oversaturated with shit. Every asshole thinks they’re creative - my blog is absolute proof of that. Flying that disenfranchisement flag doesn’t make what you create automatically valid). You know? I definitely own the complete Mr. T Experience discography, and I love an apolitical pop-punk song as much as the next guy (the next what!?), but, come on! Punk is about expressing a message to the disenfranchised, not really about selling your product (that’s cute, but shit ain’t free, dawg. Gotta make money to produce and spread the message, doing it in the most ethical way, that’s the punk way.). If your message blows up, then more power to you. I feel proud when bands like Against Me! and The Gossip, who I used to see in stank basements for years, now get the recognition they deserve for the work they've done.

Last thing, maybe the roads were shitty on the way to work, maybe your alarm didn't go off, whatever, go out today, say something nice to somebody, do something nice, however small. 

*Note here again, that yeah, sexist things happen all the time. Women get shit on for being female, and that sucks. We all get shit on for various reasons beyond our control. But that will never change. It can get better, but it will never change, for one simple reason: assholes will always exist. You can’t have fair without unfair, and the scary part is when people start deciding what fair is. But that’s another convo for another time.

**UPDATE: in an unexpected twist, punknews just posted the next interview in the series. When given a soapbox on which to soap or box, literally handed to her on a silver platter, Ms. Osborne went all reasonable and awesome. True story, when asked about the difficulties women face in music and art, she answers, "I think being a human on the planet is pretty hard sometimes".

best albums of 2013 - a definitive and comprehensive list

Wow so 2013 kinda came and went.

Lucky for you, we will document the best albums of the year. **SPOILER ALERT** Kanye West is not on this list, as he is the sole reason racism still exists in 2013. Also not found here: indie garbage, Deafheaven's new one, and Daft Punk.

That said, there were only a couple new albums that I listened to this year. Here are the ones I enjoyed most, in no particular order:

Vampire Weekend - Modern Vampires of the City



Probably the most wife-friendly set of jams here, which should auto-jump it right towards the top of my list. 2013 sees Vampire Weekend mostly leaving behind the Afro-whatever influences found on previous albums. Worry not though, pretentious shitheads, they fill that void with awesome. Frontman Ezra Koenig or whatever his last name is definitely upped the lyric-game ante with pop culture and historical references that are way over my head. Why should you give this album a chance? Listen to the above song and not love it. Now imagine a full album that awesome. Found this for like $16 on vinyl, heck yeah. In Manhattan or Brooklyn, can't remember, but just know that I was gettin' my urban on in a big city.

Drug Church - Paul Walker



OK, this is my album of the year. Take an awesome album, add a now hilariouser/awesomer album title, and BOOM, best set of jams of the year. I hear 90's hardcore, 90's post-hardcore, 90's punk, 90's pop-punk, 90's awesome, everything. You wouldn't think that a dude yelling about how miserable things are for other people, and himself, would be this enjoyable, but it is. Catchy, awesome lyrics, awesome everything. Even my Pearl Jam dick-rider friend enjoyed this when I played it for him. Had a choice of vinyl or CD, chose the latter because I was out of town, and the immediate playback quality my vehicle offered was too much to trump. Besides, Heckyeahwoman ain't want this spinnin' on the living room turntable.

Self Defense Family - The Corrections Office in Me



Admittedly, I am a Patrick Kindlon fanboy (See above Drug Church jocking), if such a thing exists. From his interviews, to his albums, to maybe even his comics, everything this dude touches turns to gold. Except for probably women. Despite the fact that no End of a Year (former name) or Self Defense Family release sounds the same, I will enjoy anything they put out. Generally classified as "punk" or "DC style punk" or whatever, tight music, clever songwriting. And new album coming out in January! Digital streaming this three songer, will probably purchase when I pre-order the new SDF record.

The Bronx - IV



First they released the single, Ribcage, then they released Youth Wasted. Stupid catchy, if not radio-friendly punk rock, with emphasis on the rock. Not a stinker on this album. Matt Caughthran's vocals are so good, dude has got some chops. OK, and the band is pretty good at putting together a shitload of hooks and calling them songs, well-written songs. I own this album on CD and I don't regret it.

Woe - Withdrawal




After releasing Quietly, Undramatically in 2010, when Withdrawal was released, I was all like, 'how they gon' top that one?". Then they did. Not a fan of black metal really, but I do infrequently indulge, and if more bands were guilty of Withdrawal-level quality, I'd be the KVLTest dude around. Hear the seething rage in front man Chris Griggs' vocals; hear his desperation. But beyond the depraved emotion, dude brings in classic rock (?! OK, in one song) and punk rock influences to seamlessly meld with the intensely American black metal. Only bummer is that sometimes the vocals seem a little low in the mix, but their last album required a remix, so it's not a total surprise. Also of note is that I purchased this album digitally - much more immediate than ordering a CD, and way more accessible than having to never listen to the vinyl.

Volcano Choir - Repave



Chalk this one up to my wife - she loves this album, she plays the album a lot, I overhear it, I start to like it, we see them live, album is reinforced as being awesome, album makes my year end list. Think: Bon Iver gone manly (well, maybe gone male hipster that just got into ironic metal), Bon Iver gone Isis, Bon Iver gone electric. Think whatever you want, but just know this ish good. We don't yet own any copy of this album, just constantly revisited it through online streaming. Spoiler alert: I'll probably buy the vinyl for Heckyeahwoman for Xmas.

Surprising stuff I didn't even listen to:
Terror - Live by the Code - Dude, I'm still jamming Keepers of the Faith, how you trying to put out another album full of presumably hard ass songs of redemption, perseverance, working hard, being true, and other hardcore platitudes?
Integrity - Suicide Black Snake - Hard to get pumped about a new Integrity album with their entire back catalog being so awesome. New song I heard was awesome though.
Autopsy - The Headless Ritual - I think I gave one listen and didn't enjoy furiously, love Mental Funeral and Severed Survival. It got great reviews, I guess.
Carcass - Surgical Steel - The few listens I gave this were good. But I don't feel I spent enough time with it to actually include on the list.
*Dillinger Escape Plan - One of us is the Killer - Total stumper why I haven't listened to this. Option Paralysis was awesome, as were all releases prior. Huge blunder on my part. Been streaming this nonstop since I started this post. Crucial jams that should be towards the top of your year end list.
Gorguts - Colored Sands - Same thing as with the new Carcass, just not enough time.

From last year - had I done a year end list for 2012, these two would probably have been on it.
Strife - Witness a Rebirth - two minute hardcore anthems, classic yet modern Strife is back!
Maroon 5 - Overexposed - more like overproduced. You go from Hands All Over to this? Child please. Best songs on the new one are the bonus songs, one of which is a cover of Prince's Kiss.

So what did we learn here? I'm too old to give much of a shit about new music.


*This album is fucking awesome. I initially had it in the Surprising stuff section, but while writing this, listened furiously, and realize now that it belongs in my Best of 2013 section. Due to laziness, the band's entry here remains in the Surprising stuff section.

this was superLOL

Throughout history, women have been mistreated, and unfortunately many times they still are. It's 2013, and if you're mistreating a woman for being a woman, you're probably also still running around calling people faggots, and you are scum and there's really no reason for you to be alive.

Before this turns into a celebration of women (or of anything, because celebrations and fun both suck) - because I refuse to celebrate anything that is not a handsome white male or our ridiculously adorable son, Orange Guy, and maybe a few other things - let's get into the impetus for this well-worded post:

A straight-up LOL article. An articLOLe?

The gist of the article can be summarized in probably the most alarming and scary line found just a couple paragraphs deep:

"There are certain words that are applied to women specifically in order to manipulate them into compliance: "Slut", "Bitch", "Ugly/Fat" and of course, "Crazy".

I think I've used all of those terms, at some point in my life, to refer to a woman. I know that I've never used it to "manipulate them into compliance", though. Let's take a quick run through of each, and look at the male equivalent. Then, if we have time, we can discuss why the double standard exists. **spoiler alert: we probably won't have time**

Slut - certainly heard men referred to as sluts, man-whores, he-whores, dirty dicks, all terms that refer to promiscuity. Don't want to be called a slut? Don't act like one! You're not a slut, but some idiot at a bar called you one? Surely you've called a dude an unflattering something before...next.

Bitch - the male equivalent might be asshole or douchebag. In the late 90's and early aughts, it may have been tool. Just seems that the female equivalent here has really stuck. Thanks for that, hip-hop culture!

Ugly/Fat - first thing that comes to mind is derogatory names for dudes with small peckers. I don't love the idea of mocking people for physical qualities, but I do have a special place of disgust in my heart for fat people. Never joked with your friends about an ex's or a fling's johnson? Oh you haven't? Get real.

Crazy - I know a thing or two about crazy. By seeing crazy up close and personal, and knowing what to avoid - that's how I managed to marry a totally awesome and amazing woman. But what would I know about crazy broads? Well, I did happen to spend five years of my high-school and early college life with a woman some friends kindly referred to as "psycho".

Clearly I was the asshole misogynist and should have learned to look past her superficial faults. Superficial faults such as the time she tried to run me over, or the times she told me she was pregnant and extorted abortion money from me. Note that I was able to look past the blumpkin, obviously. But all clear red flags. So due to the stalking, harassing, and insanity I experienced in that relationship, I believe I know a thing or two about crazy.

When I refer to a broad as crazy, it's probably because she is. On the same token, when a broad calls me a "small-donged, abusive, douchebag freak", it's probably because I definitely am.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: MARIACHI EL PUMP

If you know anything about me at all, you probably know that I love being PUMPED UP and that I enjoy getting PUMPED UP when Mariachi el Bronx magically plays PUMPTUNES through the PUMPRADIO.

Oh hey look, they have a nice slow little jam that gets me AMPED:




Yeah, that was kinda slow and sad and unPUMPY. :(

boo fucking hoo

Still a good ass song, jerks. How about a little humor to PUMP you up? We got about 30 minutes of funny crammed into a quick eight minutes. Don't know much about this Gorburger thing, but I do know that it is indeed ROFL-worthy.




What happens when an awesome punk band gets bored with punk and decides to play acoustic shows, but then before they can even play an acoustic show, they think that's dumb and instead play mariachi jams?

Mariachi el Bronx is what happens!

And the results are POSITIVELY PUMPY!

A couple albums in, great reviews, a wake of sold-out and overPUMPED shows in their wake, yeah I think the mariachi version is more popular and successful than their day-job band, The Bronx.

And then these dudes went on Letterman and totally killed it!




Chances are that you're a turd and will never kill it on Letterman. Or the Gorburger show. Or on a full length album or two full of awesome mariachi jams.

But don't let that derail the PUMP. Don't let anything ever stop the PUMP. Lower your expectations and get PUMPED about that mediocrity in which you revel.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP

Didn't even mean to get so PUMPED today.

But then I got an IM at work. For those of us in the unknow - an IM is an INSTANT MESSAGE. #Technology

The long and short of it is, this lady at work heard a certain song on her drive in. An earworm. And she shared the glorious news with me, the Bringer of the PUMP.

What song was it?

Here's a clue...and it's a real PUMPER. A tune so PUMPY and so catchy that you will be forced to sing along in a PUMPY manner.





Oh, that's so 2012? Too GODPUMP BAD, MOTHERPUMPER.

It's cold out, and in a couple hours, it won't be. We are fighting winter here, and we're winning. If that's not reason to get PUMPED, then I don't know what is.

And cause I'm in a PUMPY MOOD right meow, here are some more untapped PUMPJAMS, PUMPGEMS, to get you through the rest of this week.




Oh you think I'm nuts cause I went from Carly Rae Jepson to Rancid? Well my friend, that PUMP can be elusive, and we're not one to discriminate here. (Haha actually we are), but when it comes to the PUMP, and getting PUMPED UP, we have to be open minded. BUT THOSE ARE THE ONLY TIMES YOLO




Let me ask you this: are you here to pass the time, or are you here to kick the shit out of the rest of the week and have the best weekend ever?

If it's the former, please reread, rewatch, and relisten to the above PUMPMATERIAL. If the latter, PUMP YEAH and PUMP ON, friendo.

volcano choir show review, for real

We went and saw Volcano Choir and it was awesome. Yep, the local rock star did a concert at his alma mater, in a campus auditorium (University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire). I believe it was the first of two nights there.

The opening band, Adelyn Rose, appear'd on stage and my first thought was, "holy fuck these hipster looking pieces of shit are going to suck". And then the music started. And my initial judgement was right on. But then something funny happened: they ceased to suck as I was drawn in by the lead singer's vocals.

And the shitty sound didn't help their cause, because the style struck me as an almost shoegazey indie rock by way of the new wave of pseudo bluegrass bullshit being peddled by assholes. It can be so hard to nail a band's style when you're first seeing them live. Anyway, overall, I enjoyed them, when I know I shouldn't have.

The hard scheduled 30 minute intermission followed Adelyn Rose, during which the lights came on and the elderly couple seated in front of us busted out a newspaper to kill time. Srsly, they came prepared. Prepared to rock, then prepared to read, then prepared to rock again. Also noteworthy was the higher amount of older folks in attendance.

Sure as shit, half an hour later, out comes Volcano Choir. Aside from some awkward dancing from frontman Justin Vernon, the set was awesome. Kind of odd/cool was the podium setup the he used. It appeared he was flipping through pages on the podium, as he sang, not sure what was going on there.  Also at a couple points he was wearing headphones.

The sound was great and the band seemed PUMPED to be there. The guitarist in particular, when introducing a song or making color commentary, always had a huge smile on his face, and came across as genuinely excited. His hair was either platinum blonde or grey, and from our distant (but sick) balcony seats, he appeared to be older than the rest of the band. Also, he looked like Julian Assange. None of that had any impact whatsoever on my enjoyment of the show.

Admittedly I am not familiar with their two-album catalog, but they played the hits that Heckyeahwoman wanted to hear, and I did recognize a few from her streaming the albums. It was cool, their sometimes Isis-meets-jangly-yet-kinda-droney-indie-rock-sound went over really well live. With the better sound quality, relative to the opener, none of the instruments got drowned out in the frequency of others.

I think the pop sensibilities the band employs in their music really keeps the attention of the audience, because let's be honest, if you're not typically into this type of music, it could be a snoozefest. Great vocals, combined with a knack for sneaking in catchy and sometimes repetitive guitar lines, both also play a huge part in that.

Very catchy, very well done, I look forward to picking up some vinyl in the near future. I also look forward to any opportunity to be seen with Heckyeahwoman in public.

I've never seen Bon Iver, and word on the street is that I may never have the chance. But as long as Volcano Choir is around, I can totes live with that. And even if Volcano Choir weren't around, I could still totes live with that.

volcano choir show review

Sorry for the hold up on the review, but last Saturday night we went and saw Volcano Choir. In case you're not a hipster, they are Justin Vernon, of Bon Iver Grammy-fame, and like five other dudes. I believe the band was around prior to Bon Iver and is now his main project.

Well, it looks like there will be another hold up on the show review - expect it next week sometime. While waiting, the following is a brief anecdote from my recent trip to the dentist.

I went to the dentist.

I got my teeth clean'd.

I got fillings.

Notice the "s" in fillings, denoting multiple fillings. Please note that they were "re-fillings" on old cavities from when I was a young punk.

It was as we were wrapping up when the real meat and potatoes of this story occurs. Just as I was getting ready to split, the dental hygienist axed me one, she asked me what type of cologne I was wearing, because I smelled good.

Without missing a beat, my reply: "at my age, just not stinking is the only cologne I ever wear now".

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: CLASSIC PUMPJAMS

The impending weekend got you down? Not too PUMPED about beautiful fall weather and football?

Well turn that frown upside down, friendo, cause the fine folks at HYM dot org got your back.

Well, the first step, slamming as much freshly brewed, strong as fuck coffee is on you. But after that, we got'chu. Crank up that volume and get yourself into a better place.

Imagine this, your boi, the lead author of HYM, LLC, on the drive home from work yesterday, tired, not feelin' a work out, coming home to an empty house, save for our fuzzy, orange cat-son giving me the usual warm greeting.

Still not feeling the work out, but I gotta do it. Begrudgingly I headed downstairs to trudge through 35 mins of brutality. Then it hit me. I need THE PUMP. 

GOTTA HAVE THAT PUMP.

And it was like the purple unicorn that lives under my (sick screened in) porch answered my thoughts and THIS SONG came on:

IT WAS LIKE SOMEBODY CAME DOWN INTO THE BASEMENT AND TOOK OVER MY BRAIN AND FLIPPED THE TURBO SWITCH.

Cause I just dropped to the ground and started BANGING OUT PUSH-UPS. But the funny thing there is that I did so many push-ups that I GOT IMMEDIATELY pissed that I wasn't doing any pull-ups.

So I fuckin' got up and started doing pull-ups.





Wow, getting sweaty and angry. Obvi the focus here has been on getting PUMPED and SWOLE and JACKED beyond belief.

But what about my mind?





Well let's just assume that in the above PUMPJAM homeboy is yelling about his mind, but that's just a metaphor for a .357 magnum. So really he's armed with a handgun. Sounds better, sounds PUMPIER.

And besides, all that mind stuff and being smart and philosophical and wise, save that for Heckyeahwoman, she's the brains and beauty of the operation here, I'm just the brawn.

Take that to heart and PUMP OUT THE LAST HALF OF THIS WEEK LIKE IT EVEN MATTERS IN THE END.

PUMP UP AND PUMP OUT

damn, who that?

The other day, Heckyeahwoman and I were on a minor road trip, and had to stop to get gas. Pretty standard, hit up the first Kwik Trip we saw. Sadly, we were both so stuffed from the monstrous breakfast we crushed an hour earlier, that there was no way we could fit in a hot dog.

While I was pumping gas so furiously that my brow may or may not have furrowed a bit, something caught my attention, out of the corner of my eye.

Mmmmmmmm who that fine woman wandering her fine way up to the gas station? In fact, the exact question I thought to myself was "oh wow, who is that?"

Took but just a second for me to recognize her as my wife.

the hunger games

You seen it? I seen it. Actually, I only half seen it, cause we're about halfway through, so I have no idea how it ends.

A couple years ago, it seemed to have received a lot of hype. Knowing it was based on a book and seeing it's relatively high level of popularity, I just figured it was another Twilight sequel. Not sure how exactly I made those connections, but they were made. So deal.

Anyway, Heckyeahwoman and I popped the Netflix'd dvd in the player and began our Hunger Games mission. What follows are a couple of my in-eloquent thoughts on being roughly halfway through the movie.

1. It's pretty entertaining and compelling. The dystopian future, the vaccuous masses of Hunger Games fans (for which the movie is named), and the caricature-like hosts of the Games paint a bleak picture of our intellectual fate. First thing I thought of was the NFL...on steroids.

2. The plot is a little unsettling for me. The kids killing kids thing. Also, the mid-twentysomethings playing kids. Throughout the entire movie, the premise put just a little bit of a knot in my belly. I know there are like 24 contestants, and probably 23 of them are going to die. Now don't take me for some people-loving nice guy. No, I hate homeless people and criminals just as much as you. It's just a little unsettling.

3.  Heckyeahwoman is fiiiiiiiiiiine. I kept looking over at her thinking, DAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNN WHOOOO DAT. That happens almost every movie though. #would

4. There is a sequel. I have no idea about it, but that means that the original must have done well enough at the box office for the producers to fire up HG2. Wonder if the next year's Hunger Games will be the plot for the second one.

NFL Predictions

First game of the season: Denver over Baltimore, 27-24.

AFC

North: New England, maybe Buffalo will surprise some people?

East: Baltimore, though I would love to see Cleveland.

West: Denver, sadly, Kansas City gets lost in the for the upper level of wild card mediocrity.

South: Houston, but Indianapolis is creeping.

Wild Cards: Cincinnati and Indianapolis.

Playoffs: Baltimore over Cincinnati, Houston over Indianapolis.

Divisional: Houston over New England, Denver over Baltimore.

Conference: Houston over Denver.

NFC

North: Green Bay, not even close.

East: Dallas, eh, who else?

West: Seattle, San Francisco are hangin' real tight to their nut hairs, and St. Louis are subsequently hanging real tight to San Fran's nut hairs. And Arizona, with their D, is a-swingin real firmly from St Louie's sack. This division is going to be the NFL version of the AL East in the MLB - brutal.

South: Atlanta, but New Orleans are going to give them a run. Matchups should be a shootout.

Wild Cards: San Fran and New Orleans.

Playoffs: San Fran over Dallas, Atlanta over New Orleans.

Divisional: Seattle over Atlanta, San Fran over Green Bay

Conference: Seattle over San Fran

SUPER BOWEL: Seattle over Houston

I really hate to pick anybody over Green Bay because I think they have a legit shot at the Super Bowl, but for now, their D and O-line are too questionable. This really could be Houston's year to get to that next level...only to lose the Super Bowl haha.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP IS BACK

And why are we back?

Because WE CAN'T STOP (THE AWESOME)





Love this jam. The dude's deep voice acts as a PRE-PUMP for the insanely catchy synth-line in the chorus. THIS PUMP PUMPS ME UP SO MUCH!

Hit the record store the other day, snagged the new Vampire Weekend jam (HUGE PUMP), grabbed Bright Eyes' 'I'm Wide Awake" ('NOTHER HUGE PUMP).

Oh dog, I also grabbed 'Screamin' with the Deadguy Quintet' for $3! Already own it on cd, but awesome album for three bones, don't mind if I do. MONSTROUS PUMP RIGHT CHAIR.

But check this out, I bought a cd. Yes, Drug Church's new one, 'Paul Walker'. This album smokes.

Don't believe me? Click play and get PUMPED.





This next one sounds a bit like Snapcase. And that's not a bad thing.

Cause if it's not a bad thing, it must be a good thing. And due to the laws of physics, if it's a good thing, it must be FULL OF PUMP.

Yep, it is.





Wow, it feels good to see the first HUMP DAY PUMP UP in almost a year. Feel the PUMP.

Embrace the PUMP.

PUMP THE PUMP.

Strife - Torn Apart / Labor Day PUMP

Now that we're semi-back-in-action, let's get this Labor Day weekend kicked off with a MONSTROUS PUMP.

Today that MONSTROUS PUMP comes from an old standby, a classic MONSTROUS PUMP deliverer, a dependable bringer of the PUMP, a band that went on hiatus for over ten years after releasing a MONSTROUS PUMP of an entire album, then released another MONSTROUS PUMP of an entire album in late 2012.

For real, if you're PUMPING this jam and NOT floorpunching the family dog all weekend, you're Labor Daying it wrong.


 

Me? I'll be floorpunching with the in-laws all weekend as my wife's sister is getting married. Should be a rager in the scorching heat. Oh shit, and that reminds me - I built a sick cornhole set up for the wedding, I'll try to get some pics up next week.

Bike Thievery begets Bike Thievery

Usually violence begets violence, but here we have bike thievery granting a short reprieve for said violence.

Long story short, a chick has her new bike stolen, bike-stealer posts an ad on craigslist - for the bike,  homegirl goes to "purchase" it, and on the test ride, she split.

Pretty awesome. So awesome in fact, that the story had me putting myself in her position, wishing I could do something that awesome. But that would require my bike getting stolen, and then essentially hitting the lottery by coming across a craigslist ad for it. So yeah, I hope my bike does NOT get stolen.

MSN has a sick link to the story right here.

What's the takeaway here? Even though bad things happen all the time, and never stop happening, sometimes good things happen. But they usually don't.

Woman and her bike:

dear gun control advocate

If I could have a gun control advocate say something to me, I would like to hear something like this:

“I know the vast majority of you, gun owners, are great, law-abiding citizens. You are safe; you practice and preach gun-safety. Thank you for that. Thank you from me, for my kids. Thank you. But the fact is that guns are used to kill a lot of people – some deserving, many not. I know neither of us want to see kids and innocent people shot to shit. I know you don’t support that.  You want to keep your guns locked safely away until use for sport shooting, hunting, or home protection and that’s fine.
 
So before I start yammering away about blanketed gun control measures affecting you more than anybody else – the peak of a very slippery slope here – let’s have a conversation about guns being used as a weapon, to kill people.

Let’s talk about what we can do to stop guns from finding their ways into the hands of criminals, of crazies. Let’s talk about how we can stop that from happening. What can we do to drastically reduce the black market for guns?

And more importantly, what are we doing wrong as a society where so many people are turning to violence in the first place? Why are we resigned to violence as a way of life? Why are we OK with that?

Taking guns out of the hands of those with a propensity to react violently to things that don’t warrant violent reactions is a good thing. You agree. We aren't too stupid to realize that those violent people will find other violent means to lash out and hurt and kill people.

Who are these people that are so violent? And what  are Americans doing wrong?

I know that the gun control debate is so polarizing, I get that. I don’t give a shit whether you are a republican, democrat, libertarian, or turdfriend or whatever, but you are smarter than the cheap emotional pleas the president and mass media have been using to drum up support. You are also smarter than the bullshit peddled by the NRA. But I understand why you may lightheartedly support them – they support your second amendment rights.

Last, hunting is not a sport, if you hunt for sport, fuck you. Thanks for reading.”

I don't know, I think that would be a much better segue into conversation than fatalist mishandling of numbers.