Friday, November 22, 2013

this was superLOL

Throughout history, women have been mistreated, and unfortunately many times they still are. It's 2013, and if you're mistreating a woman for being a woman, you're probably also still running around calling people faggots, and you are scum and there's really no reason for you to be alive.

Before this turns into a celebration of women (or of anything, because celebrations and fun both suck) - because I refuse to celebrate anything that is not a handsome white male or our ridiculously adorable son, Orange Guy, and maybe a few other things - let's get into the impetus for this well-worded post:

A straight-up LOL article. An articLOLe?

The gist of the article can be summarized in probably the most alarming and scary line found just a couple paragraphs deep:

"There are certain words that are applied to women specifically in order to manipulate them into compliance: "Slut", "Bitch", "Ugly/Fat" and of course, "Crazy".

I think I've used all of those terms, at some point in my life, to refer to a woman. I know that I've never used it to "manipulate them into compliance", though. Let's take a quick run through of each, and look at the male equivalent. Then, if we have time, we can discuss why the double standard exists. **spoiler alert: we probably won't have time**

Slut - certainly heard men referred to as sluts, man-whores, he-whores, dirty dicks, all terms that refer to promiscuity. Don't want to be called a slut? Don't act like one! You're not a slut, but some idiot at a bar called you one? Surely you've called a dude an unflattering something

Bitch - the male equivalent might be asshole or douchebag. In the late 90's and early aughts, it may have been tool. Just seems that the female equivalent here has really stuck. Thanks for that, hip-hop culture!

Ugly/Fat - first thing that comes to mind is derogatory names for dudes with small peckers. I don't love the idea of mocking people for physical qualities, but I do have a special place of disgust in my heart for fat people. Never joked with your friends about an ex's or a fling's johnson? Oh you haven't? Get real.

Crazy - I know a thing or two about crazy. By seeing crazy up close and personal, and knowing what to avoid - that's how I managed to marry a totally awesome and amazing woman. But what would I know about crazy broads? Well, I did happen to spend five years of my high-school and early college life with a woman some friends kindly referred to as "psycho".

Clearly I was the asshole misogynist and should have learned to look past her superficial faults. Superficial faults such as the time she tried to run me over, or the times she told me she was pregnant and extorted abortion money from me. Note that I was able to look past the blumpkin, obviously. But all clear red flags. So due to the stalking, harassing, and insanity I experienced in that relationship, I believe I know a thing or two about crazy.

When I refer to a broad as crazy, it's probably because she is. On the same token, when a broad calls me a "small-donged, abusive, douchebag freak", it's probably because I definitely am.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013


If you know anything about me at all, you probably know that I love being PUMPED UP and that I enjoy getting PUMPED UP when Mariachi el Bronx magically plays PUMPTUNES through the PUMPRADIO.

Oh hey look, they have a nice slow little jam that gets me AMPED:

Yeah, that was kinda slow and sad and unPUMPY. :(

boo fucking hoo

Still a good ass song, jerks. How about a little humor to PUMP you up? We got about 30 minutes of funny crammed into a quick eight minutes. Don't know much about this Gorburger thing, but I do know that it is indeed ROFL-worthy.

What happens when an awesome punk band gets bored with punk and decides to play acoustic shows, but then before they can even play an acoustic show, they think that's dumb and instead play mariachi jams?

Mariachi el Bronx is what happens!

And the results are POSITIVELY PUMPY!

A couple albums in, great reviews, a wake of sold-out and overPUMPED shows in their wake, yeah I think the mariachi version is more popular and successful than their day-job band, The Bronx.

And then these dudes went on Letterman and totally killed it!

Chances are that you're a turd and will never kill it on Letterman. Or the Gorburger show. Or on a full length album or two full of awesome mariachi jams.

But don't let that derail the PUMP. Don't let anything ever stop the PUMP. Lower your expectations and get PUMPED about that mediocrity in which you revel.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

we are all the same, unless

Real quick, this article breaks the US into eleven different "nations" based on highly cherry-picked data, grandstanding, and stereotypes.

Here's his map:

Courtesy Tufts Magazine

The author of this insane blog post about the article keeps on the stereotypes-train. Normally I'm cool with that, because, uh, stereotypes aren't just invented out of thin air. And they're an easy way to dismiss the asshole that just walked by you on the street as less than a person.

Yeah, they're efficient.

But it's like the dude did a quick scan of the article, saw some political talking points (of which there were many), and went about demonstrating a startling lack of a grasp on evolution, anthropology, sociology, and all those other big words that describe the (sometimes very soft) science of people.

Basically he's saying it's OK to segregate, separate, and subtly disparage groups of people as long as it's Southerners and whites. The post doesn't say that? Maybe you can't read between the lines. Or maybe you didn't finish the it.

At the end he preaches about gun control and violent deaths, then equates owning guns with valuing self-sufficiency, independence, and being skeptical of the governmental nanny-state. I don't know what the word for that logical fallacy is, but it appears kinda like he is talking about those with Libertarian views, as kind of crazy and prone to violence. Thing is, crazy and violence are two things Libertarians are against. And have been, vocally, and kinda built their entire platform around.

A bit of a deeper look from Salon (lol) shows that Libertarians are (even) whiter (and richer) than GOPers! Oh Salon, your white-people hating, rich-people hating, anybody that dare disagree with the messiah-hating, and fact-hating is just so cute! Very scary how the garbage peddled there gets pawned off as truth - 'nother story for 'nother time.

Equally scary is the original article and the very selective data and highly dubious wording.

Possibly instead of "Salonning" Libertarians and whites, the "author" could dig a little bit deeper into the harsh and inhuman causes of horrible things like self-sufficiency, independence, and skepticism. Maybe even honestly look at violent crime statistics.

Unfortunately, that would involve ugly things like statistics, facts, and honesty. It would involve truth.


Because there's the actual violent crime statistics, that have been excused, passed off, pardoned, and absolved for reasons still not fully understood. Like, if you're going to talk about violent crime and the victims, one would think it would make sense to talk about the perpetrators.

Nah, not here!

The takeaway here from the original article and blog post: white, southern Libertarians are bad, violent, crazy people and they only believe that violence is the answer to everything.

For the record, I'm a white, northern Libertarian, that has lived in the south, and I think violence is stupid. I think self-sufficiency, independence, and skepticism are cool.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


Didn't even mean to get so PUMPED today.

But then I got an IM at work. For those of us in the unknow - an IM is an INSTANT MESSAGE. #Technology

The long and short of it is, this lady at work heard a certain song on her drive in. An earworm. And she shared the glorious news with me, the Bringer of the PUMP.

What song was it?

Here's a clue...and it's a real PUMPER. A tune so PUMPY and so catchy that you will be forced to sing along in a PUMPY manner.

Oh, that's so 2012? Too GODPUMP BAD, MOTHERPUMPER.

It's cold out, and in a couple hours, it won't be. We are fighting winter here, and we're winning. If that's not reason to get PUMPED, then I don't know what is.

And cause I'm in a PUMPY MOOD right meow, here are some more untapped PUMPJAMS, PUMPGEMS, to get you through the rest of this week.

Oh you think I'm nuts cause I went from Carly Rae Jepson to Rancid? Well my friend, that PUMP can be elusive, and we're not one to discriminate here. (Haha actually we are), but when it comes to the PUMP, and getting PUMPED UP, we have to be open minded. BUT THOSE ARE THE ONLY TIMES YOLO

Let me ask you this: are you here to pass the time, or are you here to kick the shit out of the rest of the week and have the best weekend ever?

If it's the former, please reread, rewatch, and relisten to the above PUMPMATERIAL. If the latter, PUMP YEAH and PUMP ON, friendo.

Friday, November 8, 2013

martin vs incognito, round 2

Wow, need to do a little follow up here, not as the story surrounding this bizarre situation gets weirder (which I'm sure it will), but as some of the coverage gets weirder.

Spoiler alert: espnW, their women-centric coverage site, has an opinion piece on the events transpiring in Miami and how it relates to masculinity. Two writers, Jemele Hill, a well-known and confirmed bullshit peddler and Katie Fagan, unconfirmed as a bullshit peddler but guilty by association, discuss what makes a "real man" in sports.

In the article, NFL masculinity is rightfully excoriated for the mindset that having even the slightest ounce of vulnerability is weak. They go through a couple unfortunate incidents ranging from gay-slurs to sexual assault, all reprehensible. There is no question that professional sports has taken the idea of masculinity to another level, even pushing it to something no longer recognizable as masculinity.

The problem starts when they pontificate about a couple NFL players suggesting Martin should have taken a stand for himself, that he's not a kid anymore. They then make the reach that standing up for yourself automatically means engaging in physical combat with the aggressor.

Noooo, that's a bit of a stretch. With the popularity of (childhood) bullying in the news, the idea of a violent clash between a David and a Goliath is the image that immediately springs to the minds of most people. Not always the case, as here we have two 300 pound offensive lineman as the main parties involved. Two physical Goliaths, or more likely, two mental Davids.

Further, equating childhood bullying with adult "bullying", is wrong; there are many differences. While it could be argued that many NFLers have a limited worldview, the same can certainly be said for children; that a limited worldview could present the idea of standing up for oneself in a narrower scope of options (arguing or fighting).

To a rational adult, standing up for oneself could mean telling the dude to chill, it could mean just not giving him the satisfaction of getting a reaction, it could (and should) mean a lot of things that don't include physical violence.

Even on the radio the other day, some asshole at Yahoo!, Steve Z-something, was taking about how standing up for yourself is the worst thing ever, then proceeded to give that David and Goliath scenario. Sorry, dipshit, but I was bullied in school, and it was some turd about my size - OK, maybe fatter - and it wasn't a life or death beatdown sitch; it was constant shit-talking with a slight hint of middle school push-fighting.

Only I made the mistake of telling my parents, who told his parents, which made things worse.

Do I regret not trying to kick his ass? Yeah I guess. But that's the thing with kids - they're young and lack life experience. In my 8th grade mind, the only options were fighting, taking more bullying, or telling my parents. Oddly, when high school happened, the bully disappeared. I hope he's dead.

Kind of got off track there, but at the conclusion, they refer to Jonathan Martin as a real man because he "refused to perpetuate the toxic brand of masculinity". I guess, yeah, he kind of did that, but it appears he did it in a cowardly, inefficient fashion. As an adult, just walking away from your job, your problems, your whatever, that doesn't fix anything. In this case it drew more attention to a national pseudo-epidemic, but that's about it.

I'm 32 years old now, and yeah, when I was a dumbass high schoooler and college kid, I thought fighting and talking shit was cool. I thought it was cool having people intimidated by me because I lifted weights or because I was into boxing. (if anybody out there actually was intimidated by me, you're in a very lonely, group)

Newsflash, in the real world none of that shit is cool. It was a necessary part of growing up, but I grew out of it. Now, fighting, calling somebody a faggot, or not reasonably standing up for myself are all repulsive. (even though I totally do all that on the regular, high five, bro!)

Note here that while Martin could have acted in a more mature manner, Incognito is certainly no angel - he's a scumbag and acted completely unacceptably. Last, and this is something we glazed over in yesterday's editorial opinion front page piece: Jonathan Martin left the team to get mental help, however briefly he sought it. In his mind, he was suffering emotional distress and that can be a real thing. He should not be ridiculed for it.

BONUS! Here is a definitive guide to being a real man:
- do manly things
- be a man
- act manly
- talk about men with other men
- listen to other men talk about men doing manly things with other men, while in the company of men that are acting manly

Thursday, November 7, 2013

martin vs incognito

By now you're all probably aware of the situation with the Miami Dolphins and their two offensive (no pun intended) lineman. If not, here's a google link to clue you in.

And if still not, here goes the cliff notes version of the story: Jonathan Martin is/was a second year offensive lineman, on the Dolphins; Richie Incognito was a veteran offensive lineman with a history of getting kicked off teams for bad behavior. As the story goes, Martin left the team, on his own volition, due to Incognito's bullying. Story hits the media, a bunch of other details come out, most notably racist text messages and voice mails left on Martin's phone, from Incognito. Finally, well, not finally, but as of right now, the Dolphins locker room seems to back Incognito.

Wait, wow, a couple things here: yes, you read that right, a grown man got bullied. Story just keeps getting weirder and weirder. First, a grown man got bullied and left the team like a chump. That's kinda strange...then it comes out that Incognito is in full-on, constant asshole-mode all day, erry day.

OK, maybe Martin isn't THAT big of a pussy. A couple days with not a whole lot of news, then BAM! the racist text messages and voice mails bomb drops, and in it, a whole lot of profanity and n-bombs!

So this overweight asshole white dude is calling an overweight crybaby black dude that which he should not be called. You'd think that would be wholly unacceptable.

But yeah, the locker room is defending Incognito.


Something else has to be going on, because back in the summer, Riley Cooper dropped some n-bomb action and his teammates weren't so quick to his defense. On the surface, this might appear that calling a nonwhite the n-word might be OK depending on the context, but I fail to see the context in which I, a ridiculously handsome white dude with pretty well defined muscles, could get away with doing such a thing.

Teammates of both players, when talking to the media, had the option of silence, but instead chose defending Incognito. It's quite telling of the locker room culture, rather, telling that there is a locker room culture that casual sports fans, and maybe even die-hard sports reporters may not understand.

It will be interesting to see where all the obvious talking points - alpha-males, lack of leadership, racism, blah blah - all fit in to this overall narrative. And is this common across the NFL, or is it specific to just a few teams with the right mix of locker room ingredients? I don't see an Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, or Peyton Manning-led team falling victim to this kind of crap.

Finally, the Dophins play the Bucs this week, and for Christ's sake I hope the Bucs QB throws to WR Vincent Jackson all goddamn day for a million fantasy points.

Friday, November 1, 2013

blurred lines

Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" was on the radio this summer almost nonstop. Now it's coming under fire for it's lyrics, which apparently promote a rape culture. Seriously, check them results.

Basically, in reality-speak, feminist subhumans are literally making stuff up. I hope every rapist dies slowly. In fact, I hope every anybody ever dies slowly, though that's neither here nor there.

You probably know the song, so I'm not going to waste time dissecting any lyrics. In fact, the only reason I was spurred to make this post is because while reading this article, by accident, I was prompted to dig deeper into my subconscious. You know, that little part of your mind that only exists in white men.

That little part of your mind that implores every white dude ever to rape every chick ever, all the time, for all time. And then yell racist slurs before, during, and after.

That little part of your mind.

Having heard the song, and I guess it's kinda catchy, I never paid much attention to the lyrics though. UNTIL NOW.

A quick read-a-roo exposes not a chick-raping anthem, instead a typical pop-song chock full of gross abominations of the English language. This is the garbage that our kids are singing along to. This is how we are teaching our children to communicate.

From straight jive-talking to full-on sexually charged illiteracy, a catchy tune apparently trumps thoughtful word-smithery.

Whether you're a feminist maker of stuff up, or just hate the vapid licentiousness that permeates what is popular: in the words of "the kids" these days, Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" is totes horbes.

Anyway, here's the video.

And if you're so inclined, here's a nice song, written by one of my favorite bands. David Moore, the singer, is among my favorite songwriters.