Wednesday, April 30, 2014


It's been a minute since the last HDPU. And that's not right. We're here to remedy that. See the below sick spread of PUMPJAMS.

You ever read the news? Probably not, you illiterate bastard, but that's why you're here. So here's a quick recrap of the last week: an NBA owner reconfirmed his asshole status with an unbelievable racist rant, some of those offended offered up responses that in some weird way justify that idiot's views (we're looking at you Snoop Lion/Dogg).

So yeah, it was a bad time to be PUMPED.

Let's change that!

Donald Sterling, you should know better than sharing your shitty views with the world. On audiotape, no less.


Look at that badass live-action cover shot. If that's not enough to get you PUMPED RIGHT NOW, then y'all better listen again.


In non-basketball news, the Brewers are off to the best start in baseball ever! If they keep up the streak, they'll go 162-0! The only undefeated team in the history of professional sports. We're already looking forward to the post season, and most pundits have the Crew winning the championship over the Vikings.

(Eat shit, Vikings fans)

Sadly, the Rays are sucking it up, which is totes unPUMPY, but my son is an adorable ball of orange fuzz that purrs a lot, and well, MY TRUE COMPASSION IS FOR ALL LIVING THINGS NOT JUST THOSE THAT ARE CUTE.

That's not totally true.

Quick little work story here. I had my one-year review last week. Killed it. BAM. As the company grows, they asked me about changing my title to better reflect what I do, yeah whatevs, just gotta keep it baller. So I shot over a list of like twelve possible titles I could live with.

Among the declined:
PUMP Director
Director of the PUMP
Client PUMP Strategist
Grandmother with AIDS
Curator of THE PUMP

We settled on Business Development Manager

If there's one thing you walk away with this morning, slam a shot of coffee and GO FINISH THAT GODDAMN WORK PROJECT YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING OFF! LET'S START TODAY!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

how dare you wait!

You've probably by now heard of the Cliven Bundy cattle ranching stuff going on out west. Oh, you haven't? Here.

Basically, the dude is revealing himself as a total turd, but worse, the government is apparently being the government and stealing and killing stuff. Really, we have two undeniable truths arising from the situation. The first, and we already knew this, the government is full of crooks and criminals. The second, as we are learning, Cliven has a stupid name and is a dipshit.

Because all Republicans are racist and want to furiously genocide anything nonwhite, Rand Paul waited, what the Democratic National Committee is claiming, a full twelve hours(!) before condemning Cliven's rant.

Note because this will be published on the internets that we are using racist as a substitution for ignorant, because, well, because the internets.

Either way, Cliven's utterance was stupid.

But, never MENSA/probable NAMBLA member Mo Elleithee, communications director for the DNC, was somehow worse. See, he condemned Rand Paul for waiting twelve hours to condemn Cliven remarks about blacks. When asked for his comment about his savior/boss ordering drone missiles right into the belly of brown children overseas, Mo had no comment.

As an employee of the Democratic Party, Mo is required to not understand economics, politics, common sense, logic, philosophy, science, fairness, anything, or math. While a prerequisite to be a Republican seems to be the previously mentioned unqualities, the prequisite to be a Democrat seems to be those listed unqualities, AND being really loud and obnoxious about it.

For the future, all Senators from Kentucky need to remember to pay attention to every inbred asshole in the country, and what they're saying in the news. And act immediately. Because if you wait an alleged full twelve hours before condemning statements made by assholes, then you yourself are an asshole, to a bunch of assholes. 

Wrap your head around that one.

*Quick shout out to the scum over at Politico for a surprisingly fair title to their article linked above.

Hey Rand, where's your anger, where's your fuckin' rage?

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Guess I Spoke Too Soon

Remember when we talked about how awesome Richard Sherman is? Yeah, guess I was kinda wrong.

He's a professional athlete. It's not his job to be wise, intelligent, or worldly. All he's gotta do is play football at a high level. And with the Eagles recently releasing Desean Jackson, Sherman took to his pen to play the race card.

Note that the Eagles have never publicly said a word about the move, which I think we can all agree is the right thing to do.

Because of the team's silence, and because it is the NFL offseason, there's a lot of speculation about the team's motives: from Jackson's potential gang ties to him being a (well-documented) high-maintenance, me-first player, to being too high of a salary cap hit, to the possibility that new coach Chip Kelly might be an arrogant asshole and doesn't have the patience to deal with an immature, yet talented fuck like Jackson -most likely it's some combination of all four, and other stuff.

But dude is coming off a year of season-high stats.

As you read Sherman's piece, you might notice his comparison to Riley Cooper's drunken utterance of the n-word. Going forward, this will be the default comparison for whenever something not completely understood happens to a black athlete.

I may never understand a culture that views fighting dogs and acting like a criminal as no worse than saying something really stupid when drinking. Maybe it's because I'm racist. Also lol @ implying that Cooper was rewarded for his stupidity with a nice contract. Likely, Cooper's solid showing this season, his "grinding through adversity", as Sherman says, when the number two receiver went down, is what got that nice contract.

Though it may be naive to assume that a free agent wrapping up a stellar season on a rookie contract deserves to get rewarded with a raise, you know, just because it's been happening since the NFL started.

With his fair and balanced analysis on Colts owner Jim Irsay's recent troubles, you might think Mr. Sherman believes African Americans to be beyond reproach, while whites pop pills with only the most malicious of racist intents.

I'll be the first to admit that Jim Irsay is an asshole. Look at him below. That's a multimillionaire, an owner of an NFL team. He also struggles with pills, lol (heh, fuk'n crack'rs n their rich ppl pillz). I'd have no qualms about it if he died tomorrow.

Anyway, Mr. Sherman, goes on about how nobody suggested that Mr. Irsay had drug trafficking ties because he got pulled over with a buncha pills and $29k in cash...on him. Like, isn't that what rappers brag about?

Bottom line, shit like this is the reason people are racist. Second bottom line, Jim Irsay is a pretty compelling reason for hating white people.