i'm a college student

And money's tight. I try to save money whenever I can.

That's why I bought a Ford Escape Hybrid. The money I save on gas, because I don't have to worry about working part time, lets me really focus on what I'm here to do: tend to my studies.

I'm really interested in going green, that's why I bought a hybrid. I love that it's better for the environment. Also, when it's nice out, I ride my bike to school; and when the weather is crappy, I take the bus. I'm a huge believer in public transportation.

It's great, really the only times I need to drive are the few times a week I run errands, like when I go grocery shopping. I also drive back home a couple times a semester for the holidays. So drastically cutting back on how many miles I drive every year, really makes me feel good about my contribution to helping the environment. It's great very rarely having to drive anywhere!

It think my total yearly mileage is right around 4,000! Getting like 35 mpg is so much better than the Honda Civics I looked at; they got like 30 mpg. Even though they were like $15,000 less, I think I made the right decision. And besides, when I tell people I drive a hybrid, idiots are really impressed!

I'm really happy about purchasing a brand new $31,000 Ford Escape Hybrid, and being able to save so much in gas every year.

thanksgiving wrap up

Hey, I hope everybody had a great holiday! I know I did! I ate a shitload, got tore up, went on some nice bike rides, bought some crap, got my pants hemmed, tailgated furiously, and didn't work.

Wait, I got my pants hemmed!?!?!? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I GOT MY PANTS HEMMED, but we'll get to that.

But first, let's talk about Thanksgiving. Every year, since we moved down here, we'd go to Heckyeahwoman's advisor's house. His wife is a caterer and she always made the most delicious food; and they were always so hospitable and awesome. Well, they moved, and lucky for us, our good friends ***** & **** were nice enough to extend an invite to us. So we celebrated pot-luck style with a bunch of friends from Heckyeahwoman's department.

Sure enough, all the food was awesome. Well except for the bread, whoever brought that really chinsed out and got the shitty stuff. Haha just kidding, ****, the bread was awesome! But back to the goods.

A lot of times when we go to hang out with her fellow graduate students, I tell her I'm going to do something stupid. I don't usually do it, but this one time I told her I was going to punctuate everything I say with "dudebro", the whole night. Well, that time I actually did it, and she was so pissed lol.

So this time I told her I was going to punctuate everything I say with "I'm leaving"; "or I'll leave"; "otherwise I'll leave". That, or some variant of it. Initially she was pissed, but then after going through a couple examples, we both thought it would be pretty funny.

Could you please pass the stuffing? Or I'll leave.
Is there any rum punch left? Otherwise I'll leave.
Hey, good to see you, thanks for having us over! I'm leaving.

I don't know, maybe you had to be there, it was pretty funny, I swear.

OK, so yeah, I got my jeans hemmed. Let me paint a picture for you. No, not in MS Paint, but with words. Right here, in this special holiday blog post.

The day: Black Friday.

The time: about 2 pm.

The weather: A little chilly, but who cares.

I decided to brave the crowds and head out to the mall - not to necessarily shop a lot, but rather to go to the tailor there. You see, I bought a pair of jeans a year ago, and finally decided that they were just too long. lol, long in the pants. Having finally decided to get the alterations done, I found a tailor at the mall.

They were great, they could do it while I farted around at the mall for an hour.

So while I'm trying on the jeans for the lady to measure them, I hear some loudmouth box come in, talking real loud, cursing, and being a twat. This bitch is getting some alterations on some gaudy ass dress sweater thing, and she's pointing out where she wants what done, and how she marked it here and did this there.

You fucking bitch, why didn't you just do it yourself, then?

Then it's time for her to pay.

All I hear is the cashier say she "can't give change for that". Now talking louder than ever before, she announced to the store, and probably most of the mall, that she "ONLY CARRIES HUNDREDS".

As I'm emerging from the changing room, I recognize an opportunity for lols so I ask her, "do you only carry hundreds?"

And without even thinking, she offers ups a confident, "YEAH, I ONLY CARRY HUNDREDS".

There's some douchebag dude just hanging around, and he offers to give her change for her hundy. Of course he let everybody know that he too, "usually only carries hundreds". Dude, you have a shitty chinstrap beard, do you even know what a hundred dollar bill looks like?

You think you only carry hundreds, kid? Well I rock ice, son.

In fact, I don't think either of them know what a hundred dollar bill looks like. The broad had just really ugly, horrible clothes on, and looked like a manly, shitheaded woman. God I hate her.

I wound up going back there an hour later to get my jeans, and they look great! A much more appropriate jeans length, for sure.

On Saturday, we tailgated so furiously that we started partying at like 11 am. That carried on all day, and into the evening. At one point during the tailgate, some asshole (me) started blasting Cannibal Corpse on my boombox. I thought that was a great follow up to my albums from Kelly Clarkson & Maroon 5. This was the 2nd straight week of tailgating, 2nd straight Saturday night of passing out before 10pm lol. I'm getting old.

Speaking of blasting Cannibal Corpse, I blasted 2 mad dukes during the course of the day. It was brutal.

Anyway, I hope everybody had an awesome and safe holiday (though if you didn't have a safe holiday, I can assume that it wouldn't have been awesome either; and you'd probably not able to read this, as you'd most likely be dead or something) and check back tomorrow for "i'm in college". Should be a good'en.

happy black friday!

WE'RE GOING SHOPPING!















I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT THANKSGIVING! CHECK BACK ON MONDAY FOR A THANKSGIVING WRAP-UP!

or some other retarded crap

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: REDEMPTION

Last week's HDPU was largely inspired by my friend's valiant attempt at supplying me with great HUMP DAY PUMP UP material. Because he's awesome, and concerned with getting you PUMPED UP; and I'd only surround myself with friends that want to PUMP PEOPLE UP, he admitted that he dropped the ball, and wanted to make amends.

So he did just that, by sending me a facebook message with the following:

"So since I dropped the HDPU ball this week I want to redeem myself. Now feel free to shoot this down, but if watching Rocky Marciano knock dudes out while Metallica is playing doesn't get you pumped......well there's no way it couldn't."

Not just talking the talk, homeboy is walking the walk; he included a 100% CERTIFIABLY BAD ASS VIDEO:



I don't even like Metallica that much, but I guess my friend does, and that PUMPS ME UP.

IT SHOULD PUMP YOU UP TOO.

It's just like 5 minutes of this dude knocking motherfuckers around like woah.

Thank you, dude who has the same name as me, for hooking us up with this ridiculously awesome HUMP DAY PUMP UP video.

On with the pump friends, you want a little ARGENTINIAN HARDCORE to GET YOU MOVIN'?

Good.



The name of this song couldn't be more appropriate; translated into "the time is now (motherfuckers)", they are obviously referring to the best time for YOU TO GET PUMPED UP. Ok, I added the "motherfuckers" part, sorry.

Here they are again, letting you know that "the family never dies". Kinda cheesy upon first read, but think about it for a second. If "the time is now" to get PUMPED UP, and if your family is PUMPED UP, then yeah, "the family never dies".



Now for the biggest PUMP UP that we'll have for the next couple weeks: I have off on Thursday and Friday, this week.

Read that again.

Yeah, I only have a 3 day week of work this week! HOLY CRAP, MY BOWELS ALMOST MOVED JUST THINKING ABOUT TYPING THAT. True story here, but my bowels are gonna actually move as I type up this sentence about how much food I'm going to eat, with the end result being - yep, my bowels actually moving.

I'm not talking like lumbering, glacial movement either. Nah, that ain't me. I'm talking about violent, projectile bowel movement. Fast, sharp, and with intent to injure, yeah that's how I do it son.

GET PUMPED FOR THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY! Eating, shopping, drinking, familial gathering, trying to stab your friend because he just broke your umbrella, getting loaded at other peoples' houses, man I love the start of the holiday season!

what is sacrafice?

DUDE I WAS SO PUMPED UP AT THE GYM THE OTHER DAY, THAT I ALMOST DIDN'T CATCH THIS INVOLUNTARY HILARITY, HOLY CRAP, I'M STILL SWEATING.

Ok, you already know I was at the gym. That's a given. In fact, any time you read this blog, you can probably automatically assume that any given blog post probably takes place at either the gym, the office, or in a bathroom somewhere.

Alright, I'm pounding it out on the (s)exercise bike, watching the dude who works the front desk there screw around on the interent, watching youtube videos.

Having my attention divided between the one TV they have on there, and dude's youtube videos, I notice he's now watching some old ass workout video. It's pretty old school, with shots of huge dudes pressing, squatting, and pushing their way to glory.

Spandex, rippling muscles, and grunting are all things that I saw in this sweet video.

Then the insane pumping of iron comes to a screeching HALT.

The screen goes black, and a word comes across the screen. Not just any word. Not "DISCIPLINE", not "STRENGTH", not "TRIAL BY FIRE", and no, not even "EXPLODING BICEPS".

It was a simple, yet bold "SACRAFICE".

Ah yes, "SACRAFICE", the main ingredient for getting ripped. Not training hard, not proper nutrition, not getting enough sleep, not eating 400 times your weight in grams of protein daily, not any of that mythical bullshit. Just, SACRAFICE.

Back to the video, now we're back to probably one of the sweetest video montages I've ever seen.

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!

It's like a nonstop barrage of pictures of just the most jacked men and women at the peak of their PUMP.

Seriously, like a full minute of this, and I'm pedaling so furiously that THIS FUCKING EXERCISE BIKE IS ABOUT TO START ON FIRE. MY QUADS ARE SET TO EXPLODE.

MY CALVES ARE ON FIIIIIIIIRE.

EVEN MY SHOULDERS ARE SWOLLEN AND I'M NOT EVEN USING THEM.

I may or may not have had a boner.

Dude, I wasn't even paying attention to the video, but then all of a sudden my attention is diverted right back to it again. Lucky for me, and us, I looked at just the right time:

The sweet photo montage was just coming to an end as the screen goes black again. This is immediately followed by the posing of a question:

WHAT IS SACRAFICE?

At this point I just lost it, I was so jacked from the mere utterance of that simple question, that my entire body just exploded and I died immediately right there on the exercise bike. It was totally insane.

I know this could have, and maybe should have been a HUMP DAY PUMP UP, but it honestly couldn't wait until Wednesday. So, uh, check us out tomorrow for HUMP DAY PUMP UP: REDEMPTION.

everything is going as expected

Hey, I hope everybody had a great weekend, I know I did. It was a blur; and after going to bed Saturday night, somehow we managed to sleep for 13 hours by the time we woke up Sunday morning.

After Sunday morning comes Sunday afternoon; then comes Sunday evening, then Monday morning. And Monday morning, I go to work, which is where this blog was inspired from.

A week ago we got this new contract entry system. I was pumped, it was supposedly going to streamline how we write our contracts. For those of you not in the business of doing business, these contracts are what we have our customers sign so that we're legally obligated to provide them with our services; and they're legally obligated to pay for said services.

Anyway, our previous contract system was very simple, that included a whole bunch of fields that were filled with auto-fill, and overall it was pretty simple and easy to use. So I was a bit suspicious how they could streamline it, but nevertheless, I was pumped to have it made even easier.

We started a series of webinar training sessions a couple weeks before the official launch-date, and my first impression was, "holy shit", this is the bulkiest piece of shit I've ever seen. Whatever, most things look difficult at first, and just take a little getting used to. I'm not opposed to change (except when it's bullshit "change we can believe in" that isn't really change at all, but rather more of the same). Despite the fact that it easily TRIPLED the time I spend creating contracts, a simple contract was pretty easy to type up and put together.

Not sure if you caught that, but my time spent creating a contract was TRIPLED. I'm in sales, and I'm pretty sure that they would want to make MORE time for SELLING, rather than MORE time spent on PAPERWORK. That's right, somebody thought it was a good idea for me to spend MORE TIME doing PAPERWORK, than SELLING. Also worth noting is that if the contract was a little more complex, and involved any type of deviation at all, it was nothing short of a huge goddamn headache.

Multiple times last week, I literally spent 45 minutes creating one fucking contract. I'm embarrassed. Not for me, but for the dude who proudly created this.

A week after the new system went live, there were a shitload of problems, and not one of the problems stemmed from user error, but from - to put it simply - a new, unfortunate system that is a real piece of shit.

Luckily for us, the brains behind this system sent out an email addressing the numerous issues we've had! What did he have to say? Well other than a whole bunch of bullshit, he said that "everything is going as expected".

His exact words.

Wait, what?

You expected all these issues and problems? You expected to this to be one of the biggest fuck ups, ever? Then why not fix the problems, and launch it at a later date? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? You effectively just sent this aspect of our company back 10-15 years, by creating, and implementing this horrible system.

I don't know, I've only been involved in business for 5 years. But I thought the point of having a business was to make money. You would think that by making your workers' everyday tasks easier, simpler, and able to be completed more efficiently, that as a result - you'd make more money.

Maybe I've been going about this all wrong.

Maybe I'll change the way I do things.

From now on, I'm going to try to find the most arduous, strenuous, and ridiculous way to complete any of my given tasks. And you know what? In order to look like an even bigger dipshit, I'm going to do it all this wearing this costume:

facebook status for the night

I don't even remember what night this was, but I was just sitting around with heckyeahwoman, and all of a sudden, an epic idea popped into my head. I don't know where it came from, or what spurred it, but it came to me like a vision.

Like a vision quest.

For some reason, I felt this urgent need to change my facebook status. After running it by heckyeahwoman, and sadly receiving her looks of disappointment and utter failure, I chose not to act on my impulse.

Instead, I logged right into this here blog, and started a rough draft; because there was no way in hell that I was letting this little flash of genius go to waste.

What did I feel so enthusiastically that my facebook status should be?

"you fat fucks should all be ashamed of yourselves".

Again, not sure where that came from, but it's a sentiment I frequently have. Also, I don't really like to curse in my facebook status. Furthermore, I don't even like updating my facebook status, other than pimping my blog.

I can't stand when people constantly update their statuses with bullshit about their horrible lives.

"just got done with work, can't wait to sit on the couch all night!" Who the fuck wants to sit on the couch all night? Goddamn sonsabitches, that's who. I go to work, hate myself for 8 hours, go work out, get home, shower, and the last thing I want to do is just veg out in front of the TV. FUCK THAT, I want to jam on my guitar and melt goddamn faces. I want to shred that fucking six-string right in my cats face. In fact, sometimes I hook my electronic drum set up to my amp, and after turning that volume all the way up, I'll hold my cat's head right in front of the amp while I mercilessly abuse the double bass.

"my kids this, my kids that" Your KIDS ARE FUCKING UGLY RETARDS, YOU SHITHEAD. Wait, read that again. Lol, your kids are most likely not having intercourse with ugly retards; they ARE ugly retards, and you are still a shithead. This does not include **** & *****, or *** & ********, both of your sons are ridiculously awesome and you get free passes.

This one is dedicated to everybody who has ever been disgusted by someone's facebook status. This goes out to all the true believers. Everybody who has been keeping it real, this one's for you.