christians for michele bachmann

You may have seen the hilarious facebook page, Christians for Michele Bachmann. If not, click that supermega hyperlinked hotlink, like the page, and let the LOLs wash over you. No two ways around it, the folks behind the C4MB page are hilarious.

What's immediately apparent is that it comes across as a partisan skewering of right wing idiocy. With their rants and clever "artwork" raging against Homogays, injecting the marijuanas, libtards, athetards, and any traditionally, if not blindly, liberally championed cause, it comes off as a caricature of the GOP and tea partiers. The viewpoints, the bad grammar, the poor spelling, with the latter two (hopefully) intentional, are so over the top, you can't help but literally laugh out loud at work when reading.

And if you can read their roughly weekly, "this week in creation science" postings, and manage to not even crack a slight smirk, there is something wrong with you.

But where I think they get really clever, is their subtle mocking of the over the top, ironic, and completely hypocritical nature of the modern left. Like I mentioned above, at the surface, it's total GOP nutjob lampooning, and not delving any deeper than that, it's really goddamn funny. 

But beneath the surface, the page furiously spoofs those that blindly worship at the altar of science, for the sake of science, rather than truth. Their fictional studies about the horrors of injecting bindles of the marijuanas are cartoon-like reflections of the work of authors such as Gould, or modern sociology practitioners.

I don't know, I can't stand traditional Democrats or Republicans, and I find the page absolutely, mindbogglingly hilarious. My guess is that the page admins might be Libertarians, fed up with both sides, and the mainstream media's coverage of them.

azul tequila, a review

Recently talking about local Mexican fare with one of my friends, an actual foodie with actual good taste, he suggested I try local Mexican restaurant, Azul Tequila. Having eaten there once previously, and not ever having plans to go back, I was indeed shocked. People that actually appreciate food don't often suggest what I thought was a churched up, sit down, version of Taco Bell; dude knows his food, so a second chance was in order.

He even kindly went so far as to post on my facebook, two different dishes to try, with a friendly reminder to try the hot sauce. I replied, letting him know I would go this weekend. You probably didn't need to know that I replied to his fb posting. But now you do, so whatever. Anyway, lucky us, this weekend apparently came on Thursday, as Heckyeahwoman and I ate there last night.

We went with both of my friend's suggestions: I, the Carne al Chipotle, Heckyeahwoman, the Fajita Poblana. Probably a more accurate description would be me: most of both dishes, Heckyeahwoman: small parts of both. The waiter wasn't sure about the house hot sauce, so he brought a red (actually brownish) one. Bonus points for having a cucumber margarita on the menu. Minus a couple though for it tasting mainly like sugar.

My dish was tasty, but I think that might have been more due to it being covered in a creamy, rich, often cheesy sauce. It was ribeye cut into chunks, cooked with squash, served with a side of standard Mexican-seasoned rice. Enjoyable, yeah, but not in the way I was hoping, instead in the way I have experienced many times over, at every other Americanized Mexican restaurant - natural flavor obfuscated by sauce. (Naturally) fatty meat covered in a delicious cheesy sauce is probably going to be pleasing to the palette no matter what.

The Fajitas Poblana came out smelling delicious, though I think that is true for every fajita ever. Here's the thing about fajitas, and a lot of other things in life: true flavor and quality get masked, and often misrepresented, by accompaniments and garnishes. In this case, the fajita fixings are just a part of whatever you roll with it into a tortilla. These fajitas were made with pork, specifically carnitas, possibly my favorite meat of all time.

The million dollar question: did Azul manage to fuck up the carnitas here, and if so, will it be quite as epic a fuck up as what Shitcun's/Crapcun's/Cancun's passes off as carnitas? Answer: a stuttering "no". The bland, relatively flavorless pork meat was truly the definition of "meh", but not the soggy shitshow that Cancun's presented. So in case you couldn't read what I didn't type, the fajitas, as a whole, and as expected, were really good.

Overall, while this review probably comes across as pretty brutal, I think "meh to decent" is the best way to describe the visit. Note that I am a known and confirmed asshole and really like Mexican food. And "meh to decent" quality Mexican food is actually equivalent to nine out of ten stars for anything else, so I definitely left happy.

So Mr. fancy-pants food expert Heckyeahman, if this place is so shitty, exactly where in the hell do you recommend we eat Mexican in the greater Eau Claire metro area? First, it's not shitty, it was just meh. But easy: Tacos Juanita. And after a year of eating there every goddamn day, throw Taqueria La Poblanita into the mix. And then don't forget La Misma Luna. Those three places are my personal trifecta of good eatin' in Eau Claire.

Friend who will remain unnamed in this blog, if you're out there, and reading this, keep the suggestions coming!

funny joke

Have you heard the joke about the liberal and the science forum?

Yeah, so a typical liberal walks into an online science forum, makes a childish comment about Fox News, then in the very next post, tells a renowned theoretical physicist that he* is wrong.

And then, wait for it.

Wait for it.

Really, wait for it.

Then gets owned hard.

LOLx1000000000000! Sometimes I just crack myself up.

Guess being closed-minded manifests itself in other places beyond homophobes and racists. Huh, whodathunkit?





*Bonus feminist points for pointing out that the theoretical physicist is indeed the one who is wrong, actually #double-wrong - for being not just a dude, but presumably white! Zing!

favorite albums of 2014

Alright friends, it is that time of year again: I will once again prove my superiority to you through my taste in music. This year I am just posting a personal "best of the year", with no order.


Self Defense Family - Try Me

This is my favorite album of the year. I hate to pick a favorite, but I am an unabashed fanboy of lead singer Patrick Kindlon, and will likely jock anything he creates. Here, Try Me has the band sounding the same, while sounding wildly different. Kindlon's vocals get a bit more melodic, and the songs can at times be a bit more meandering, but one's attention should never be lost. In my opinion, Kindlon is the best lyricist ever. I imagine he and the band would be dismayed to see this album announced as a (my) year-end favorite, only to be in roughly the same company as the next one, Bane, below, ha.


Bane - Don't Wait Up

2014 brought us a new Bane album, and I imagine that if you're familiar with Bane, you probably know what this new jam sounds like. Fittingly titled, Don't Wait Up, this is Bane's last album, as they will tour extensively, and then call it a day. Where does this one fit in their catalog? Depending on your personal preferences for catchy, modernized throwback hardcore, anywhere, ha. Highlights include Calling Hours with a bunch of guest vocalists, and the tradition of ending the record with generic hardcore platitude gang vocals, but I don't know, I like that stuff.


Emptiness - Nothing but the Whole

Discomforting, atmospheric death/black metal done impeccably well. While this is not usually my cup of tea, this album is far too interesting and compelling to not listen repeatedly. And I find the cover art to be awesome too. Each listen brings something new, as the myriad influences these Belgians employ seem to sneak through in subtle ways. Shoot, I even read one review that mentioned goth rock, and sure as turds, the next listen bought to my ears a goth rock influence in some songs.
 
Jazz June - After the Earthquake

So what happens when a seminal 90's and early aughts emo band breaks up, then reforms over ten years later? An awesome reunion album happens. While I found the music of their first go-round to be generally faster paced, and bordering on aggressive - well, aggressive for 90's poppy emo standards - here, they have mellowed considerably. The once scratchy vocals have grown more melodious, pairing well with the indie-styled/sugary pop, but still 90's emo sound. Embrace the emo revival, fellow 30+ year olds.
 
Black Map - ...and Then We Explode

Speaking of 90s influenced jams, ever have a hankering for a totally dated 90's alt-rock sound, in the year 2014? Yeah? Then look no further than Black Map's debut full length LP. When most people refer to something as "dated",  it's usually slanderous, but there is no way I'm going to disparage this album. Nah, here, "dated" means the comfortable, familiar jams of my childhood and teenage years. If you're going to listen to one new-in-2014 batch of 90's sounding alt-rock songs, this best be your choice. Also, if you like rock, you'll surely find something to furiously enjoy.


Lagwagon - Hang 

This new Lagwagon smokes. Even though some of the lyrics come across as written by an angry high school student in 2002, Joey Cape sings the crap out of them. From acoustic, to classic 90's punk, to heavy metal, and everything in between, this album hold its own with anything else the band has put out. I guess the five or so year drought in new material really lit a fire under the band's ass. The cover art is kinda cool too.


Cold World - How the Gods Chill

Dog, a new Cold World album dropped and it sounds just like the last two, kinda like what Bane just did, ha. Sad that the eponymous song isn't even on the album, and is better than any song on the actual album. Still, badass album. 90's kinda hip hop and Biohazard influenced hardcore that isn't as hard as Biohazard, but hard in a growing-up-poor-in-the-PA-sticks sort of way.
 
Joyce Manor - Never Hungover Again

Have you ever been to The Fest? I have and I think Joyce Manor could be considered a "Fest band". They have the sound, one of two official Fest-approved looks (the bearded plaid shirt PBR look; or the skinny, unhealthy, super annoying look); it's the latter for those keeping score. But when you put out a catchy poppy punk album this awesome, it doesn't matter how insufferable your appearance makes you look. Buy this, and sing along furiously the next time they come to your town, and after the show try to talk to you about used wool sweaters and books you'll never want to read. Bonus: the album comes with a CD of the album - a step above the usual download code! Bonus 2: album kicks off with the lyrics, "looking at your face in the dark, you don't even look that smart".
 
Jason Cruz and Howl - Good Man's Ruin

Strung Out frontman Jason Cruz goes semi-solo, then adds a backing band, and then puts out a fantastic album of country influenced, Americana-rock. Similar to the new Mariachi el Bronx album below, in that it's successful punk rockers making much more accessible music. I don't believe the goal was to be more commercially viable, though it is, but I think the goal was to make album(s) of awesome songs in a different style. Mission accomplished.
 
Benighted - Carnivore Sublime

Last time I cared about Benighted, they had just released Icon in 2007 I think, and now a couple albums later, we have Carnivore Sublime. What's the difference here? Benighted no longer gives a shit what you think. Maybe they never did. Their schizophrenic death-grind is ultra catchy, and they have no qualms about throwing in weird singing, the lurking potential to break into a dad-hating nu-metal groove, a rapped verse, or a couple breakdowns into an album full of Napalm Death-y death metal. From the artwork to the music, this album is sick.
 
Mariachi el Bronx - III 

It's 2014, almost 2015 OMG, and Mariachi el Bronx is not your second favorite band, behind Self Defense Family? Lol, get real. It's awesome, ridiculously catchy Mariachi music made by dudes in a punk band. Obviously the Mariachi music is a highlight, if not the defining characteristic here, but for me, Matt Caughtran's vocals are the highlight, the reason d'etre. His lyrics are fantastic, and his singing of them is spot on. 10/10.


Me First & The Gimme Gimmes - Are We Not Men?

The problem I've had with Me First is that often times their albums will contain songs with which I am not familiar. Petty, I know; they do a bang up job every time. On their most recent here, full of hit songs by "divas", there were only a few unknown tunes. What we have is an album of 10/10 cover songs in a catchy, 90's punk rock style, though some of the songs are quite creatively covered. Lead singer Spike Slawson can actually carry a tune, making this a potential favorite of your parents too.


2013 albums I'm super pissed I slept on:

Twitching Tongues - In Love There Is No Law

Dude. I've been rocking this album probably more than anything else in 2014. Yeah, I snoozed, but I've surely made up for that. Very melodic hardcore with fantastic sung vocals. The lyrics can be kind of over the top, but whatever.

Crusades - Perhaps You Deliver This Judgement With Greater Fear Than I Receive It.

An album of grown ass men singing about how they're "mad at religion". Sounds horrible, but when it is set to the sweet sweet sounds of modern punk rock with some sort of "post-something" influence, it's fine with me.

Pity Sex - Feast Of Love

Ann Arbor fuzzed out indie pop rock. Stupid catchy music made by hipsters that look like people that I can't stand. My wife said she likes this, so she either does, or she was lying to me, could go either way.


Did you have something not on this list that you think I "like, totally have to hear"? Throw it in the comments.

what it means to be wholly unnecessary

Don't know about you, but my facebook has been a-blowin' up with Michael Brown stuff. Got a bunch of people that are suddenly law experts, posting and sharing inflammatory and borderline illiterate collections of words, skewering "white people", and police officers.

In the wake of the Trayvon Martin incident, and now with the Michael Brown thing, I may or may not have made a comment to my wife, that the world will be fine without Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman, Michael Brown, and/or Darren Wilson. Their absence from this world means, or would mean, nothing outside of grief for their family.

In short: the universe doesn't care. 

Anyway, my wife replied with something along the lines of, "Trayvon could have grown up to be a scientist that ends up curing cancer". After cleaning up the milk that I spit in unexpected laughter all over our sick 8 million inch LED flat screen, I just nodded my head in semi-agreement so as not to cause a row. I'm not sure but picking fights with Hispanics, uttering slurs about white people, stealing cigars, beating up older Asian store owners, and rapping about killing and hating while people is hardly the way you prep to become the future scientist that could potentially cure cancer.

I'm not going to deny that Darren Wilson is an asshole, and Georgie Z is scum. I think most reasonable people would agree that this is true. In fact, I'd take it a step further, and list them as unnecessary. Where we might diverge is on the opinions of Brown and Martin. I believe them both to be, as people, wholly unnecessary too. An unreasonable person might insist that is due completely to skin color: mine is white and theirs is black. Obviously that's not the case, as a dude's skin color is pretty low on the totem pole of things that make my hair turn grey/gray. But that's just me.

I don't believe that the world would miss any of the four previously mentioned people. But what about the rioters? I actually would prefer that subsection of sub-humanity to up and vanish. Destroying the community in which you live, which belongs to your family and friends, their livelihoods, in the name of perverted justice, well that's just downright fucked up. Raging and destroying are one thing, a shitty thing, but stealing too? Horrible.

But it's deeper than just rioting and stealing and assaulting and destroying. Uh, no it's not. That's exactly what is happening. It may be part of a bigger problem, or actually part of many. But it's still a problem, not normal, and not OK. Basically this whole chain of events is not OK - from Wilson harassing Brown and Brown possibly looking to brawl with a po, to Wilson shooting him. I think it's pretty clear there is a population in Ferguson that does not want white police officers anywhere near them. If I were the Ferguson police chief, I'd be more than happy to oblige. Refund them a percentage of their taxes every year and let them prosper.

What you may have not heard is that a young African American teenager beat up an older Asian man. Obviously that doesn't sell advertising, so that horribly racist and ageist action goes by without a peep. Michael Brown's hatred for Asian people, and those older than him is a cosmically-sized injustice that I refuse to let go unreported.

In a perfect world, crap like this doesn't happen. But to have good, you must have bad, and I think at least the one thing we can all agree on is that everything related to the Ferguson situation is bad. While the president and democrats are championing this cause as some sort of weird rallying cry to unite and strengthen the democratic base, some mother still lost her son, and Darren Wilson, while not guilty, probably shouldn't be a cop. That, and Ferguson as a political talking point is further dividing the country, nice job.


And then we have the human versions of bowel movements, with actually the same intellectual value as bowel movements, penning exactly what you would expect: shit like this. Want a summary? Blame white people, for anything, every single time. Most black people I know don't feel that way, it's sad that this type of garbage is what gets pushed.

Friday Sadness

It's been a week, eh.

Woke up quick, at bout 7:34, checked facebook, and this was the first thing I saw





I'm not making this up, a news station posed a question to their facebook followers about whether or not it's fair that Old Navy charges more for plus-sized clothing.

For real.

What is worse - having an opinion one way or another, or shopping at Old Navy in 2014?

And yep, you guessed it, somebody, somewhere in the comments said this was "a gender issue". I can't even walk out the door and shit on my neighbor's lawn anymore without somebody making it a gender (or race) issue.

Here is what should be the final word on the question: shut the fuck up.

Next, we have a diatribe against the vile, racist entity known simply as "brunch". Spoiler alert: NYT content.

No shit, there is an author out there with enough time on his undersized hands to courageously speak out against brunch. While the article, intentions, content, and author's life are all truly unnecessary, I do agree with his point that brunch food is often times covered in sauce that is too rich.


Then the dude from The Strokes found time to weigh in:

In an interview last month in GQ magazine, when pressed for an answer on why he left New York City for an unnamed “upstate” locale, Julian Casablancas, the lead singer of the Strokes, said, “I don’t know how many, like, white people having brunch I can deal with on a Saturday afternoon.”

Prayers, condolences, and all that stuff go out to Mr. Casablancas for suffering the indignity of having to deal with white people eating breakfast later in the day than usual. Must have been truly horrifying.

One time, on my way to Milwaukee for one of my first punk shows, I got lost in the hood. Kinda sketchy, but punk rock, right? Found my way, still in an unsavory neighborhood, parked my car, walked by a porch with a bunch of nonwhites hanging out, menacingly watching me. Then to my terror, a bunch of white people having brunch popped up outta nowhere and that was it, I took off running. Ran back to my car, never to return. #Scarred4Life

Forget climate change, my money is on complaining ourselves to death as what eventually gets us.

telepathy now!

The other day I read this article, and was amused at this particular author's take on telepathy. More precisely, why he wouldn't necessarily want to read the thoughts of other people. You have to wonder, if telepathy was a thing, would it be selective? Could you only read the minds of those you wish, or would your life be a cacophony of tiny voices, driving you to insanity, at the hand of the inane thoughts of the dullards all around you. His Rachel Jeantel example was spot on.

Sure, if telepathy resulted in the latter, you could go to a quantum physics conference, and from roughly eight in the morning to five in the evening, enjoy the most fascinating thoughts from some of the greatest brains in the world. But once the work day is done, and the bar opens, you likely won't luck out and get treated to Feynman-esque thoughts of playing bongos with hookers in South America; you'd be treated to really smart people and their capacity for depravity and minutiae, much in the same way of their capacity for intellectual stimulation. It's a continuum, friends, good with the bad.

Anyway, rambling thoughts aside, this article was meta-linked in the previous article, and it is an abstract of a Harvard research paper about using the internet, and other technology, to telepath furiously. You can tell it's serious because there are many strings of big words followed immediately by capital letters that are bookended with parentheses. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm guessing it's highly scientific and official. Harvard.

I'm sure I've posted here before my layman, layperson, theory of evolution: as humans, we are evolving into a superior race of cat people, #destiny. My wife (an actual scientist) definitely refutes that. Keep in mind that I have absolutely no evidence beyond thinking Orange Guy is awesome. And hope. But shoot, we've seen what happens when you add a little hope to a little bit of change. Wait, that's not helping my case at all. Either way, this telepathy stuff got me kinda thinking - what if?

What if this computer enabled telepathy became part of evolution? Human evolution is accelerating and the limits of bioengineering and robotics are getting pushed every day. We are constantly improving our knowledge and manipulation of inheritance and gene expression. At some point there's going to be an apex, or more likely, a vortex, into oblivion, you asshole humans.

Imagine one day in the not so distant future, finding a lab subject or two and serving them up a sick speedball of Lamarckian inheritance. It may take a couple generations and a little sci-fi leap of faith miracle action, but here (hear) me out. If you could implant a bio-bluetooth chip in the dna of a couple subjects, and hit that sequence up with the right combo of methyl-whatever to turn it on, and get it to send and receive the transmissions, bam(!), Jean-Baptiste Lamarck would no longer be the bastard child of made up stuff.

If and when telepathy becomes a thing, somebody is bound to hone in on my thoughts. And if you've spent any time at all on this blog, (or if you're telepathic) you already know what the next sentence is gonna say.

I'm sorry.

we got fat!

You've seen the pleas.

You've seen the postings.

You've been annoyed.

Yep, my guitar finally sold! And you know what that means? I can buy a fat bike! So you wanna know what I did? You wanna read about what I did?

I bought a fat bike.

To catch you up, in the past year or so I have been riding, checking out, and reading about various fat bikes. I had gone from a super budget bike to an expensive one, back to a budget-ish one, and all over the place.

Finally, I had it narrowed down; I was pretty much set on the Framed Alaskan Alloy ($1400). It wasn't due until mid-November, and I was fine with that. But then the date got pushed back to sometime in December, and I got kinda sketched out, not wanting to wait for an unknown and liable-to-change release date. So I crossed it off the list.

Note here that the Alaskan is a sweet bike, (and for the money, the Minnesotas ($8-900) are too, and the dudes at The House Boardshop are really stoked on the Framed bikes, rightfully so. Also, with this being my first fat bike purchase, I decided I wanted local bike shop support. That, and the wheels on the Alaskan were a huge question mark. Either way, it's off the list, for now.

Another one on the short list was the Specialized Fatboy ($2100), which I had ridden a month or two back, and it was pretty sweet, but not $2100 sweet. Having bought my first mountain bike from Erik's Bike Shop a year and a half ago, I thought I would call and see if they could do anything on the price. So I called, asked if they could help a brother out. You know, the kind of brother that would be buying his second bike in less than two years. The dude advised that because there are only two size medium Fatboys in the entire (entire!) company, they couldn't do anything. I forgot that Specialized isn't a huge company and probably couldn't send more bikes when current stock gets depleted. That, and when I brought my bike in for a tune up, they fucked up the rear derailleur.

Then I heard some 2014 models were on closeout at a local bike shop, so I went to check them out. First I took out a 2014 Salsa Mukluk 3 $(1550), it was great, but the component spec was pretty entry level compared to the price, and the undrilled rims, however petty, were a deal-breaker. So a (large) step up, the 2014 Salsa Mukluk 2 ($2000), was there too. A great bike for a great price. Also, they had a 2015 Muk 3 ($1950), which for essentially the same price as last year's Muk 2, you get a lower spec. But that wine red color though.

Note here again, if you're choosing between any of those three, there isn't a bad choice. And the bike shop has a great reputation.

The day I rode the Mukluks, a Tuesday, I also put in a call to the other LBS and inquired about the Trek Farley that I was told was due in mid-October. At this point, I was wrestling with the 2014 Muk 2 for $2000. Note here that Heckyeahwoman gave me the go ahead no problem. It was my own inner demons and strife (Yes, Strife!) that held me up. Fast forward to Thursday, and I get a call from the LBS that one 2015 Trek Farley 6 ($1750) in each size will be available on Friday for testing.

So what did I do?

I went over Friday after work and rode it.

Then you wanna know what I did?

I bought the fuckin' thing.

Then you wanna know what I did?

I rode it furiously.

The bike is awesome. It rides (shitloads) better than my (entry level) mountain bike, a 2013 Specialized Rockhopper, which B-T-dubbs I really like. It's light and the component spec is great, especially for the price.

It's funny, they say when you ride a fat bike, the smile never leaves your face. Unfortunately, my smile is two thirds sneer and one third scowl. So while I may look like I'm pissed and don't want to be on my fat bike, know that I really do. Also of note, as stupid as it may sound, I really didn't want to go over the $2000 price point. Yeah my wife is awesome and was cool with that, but it was an asshole personal thing.

It's been almost a month and I'm still super happy. The bike shop, Riverside Bike & Skate has been fantastic. Their service has been top notch, and the guys there are almost as PUMPED as I am. Nice touch: they threw in the shitty pedals from the test ride, and when that shitty pair busted up, they threw on another pair for me in the interim while I wait for my nicer ones to ship, no charge.

Best part though, bringing the bike home and having Heckyeahwoman jump on it, and with that perfect smile, her telling me she wants one. So yep, my mountain bike is now for sale - you should start seeing those postings soon.

nudes leaked, brah

Nude photos of babes like Jennifer Lawrence and Kirsten Dunst (Ok, semi-babe) recently leaked, and you probably heard about that. But what you probably didn't hear is that nudes of successful singer Jill Scott leaked, and both racism and white privilege are the reasons nobody wants to see them. Most pics on Google Images show her as somebody I would not necessarily want to see naked, but she looks pretty cute here.

See, the white male media establishment has criminally brainwashed us into thinking that only fit, healthy, and attractive people are physically attractive. These racist, sexist, homophobic scumbags have egregiously subjugated so-called standards of beauty to the point where this rape culture in which we live is being promoted everywhere we look, and it is affecting not just our preferences in women, but our treatment of them too.

I can't cross the street without bumping into a beautiful obese woman being victim-shamed for not getting raped because of our now perverted standards of beauty. Racist, rapey white assholes (read: all men) parade around raping only white women because religion. This is reality, folks and I'm not comfortable with it.

Those cracker-jack jerkdudes have tricked me into thinking that what makes my wife so amazing is that she is simply a woman, and not her beauty, intelligence, sense of humor, personality, or awesome smile, as I had previously been led to believe. I've been boondoggled!

To think that I have been so shallow in the past, it's disgusting. Shame on me for not appreciating the physical beauty of the slovenly, the gluttonous, the obese, the lazy. Shame on those of us who live healthy lifestyles and take personal responsibility for health, and not only appreciate, but prefer to associate with other like-minded individuals, regardless of race, color, creed, gender, or sexual orientation. Our empty ideals clearly aren't enough.

We need to open our minds, and truly try to empathize with those not like us, those with less ambition, less drive, lower intelligence. Because, they're the exact same as us. We need to strive to be better. We need to remember that evolution doesn't apply to humans, that science only applies when either white males are to blame (all the time), or when it's convenient.

Say it with me: I refuse to believe that the universe doesn't care.


For the record, so there is no confusion: I would like to formally apologize for being born both white and male. In addition, I now officially condemn my parents for being good parents and for loving me. Further, I now formally rescind my whiteness and masculinity. Going forward, I will be a Mexican woman.

this was real

An article has been making the rounds on facebook recently, and the title of that link is: 11 Things White People Should Stop Saying to Black People Immediately.

Anyway, I know a lot of racists, assholes, and racist assholes, and this isn't even stuff we talk about, even when we're drinking. In fact, I'd hazard a guess that these things come across the minds of reasonable white folks very rarely, at any time.

Let's take it from the top and see what these 11 things are:

1. "Why do black people have to make everything about race?"

This is a valid question, validated when one @1EGOTRIPPINDIVA tweets that she will stop talking about race, when white people stop benefiting from white privilege. Please reread the title of the article, check the picture of the author, and then reread this first one here, and watch as a black person makes it all about race. Then get grossed out.

2. "I don't have white privilege. Stop saying that I have white privilege."

Here and I thought the reason that I have been able to not commit crimes and avoid incidents similar to what is happening in Ferguson is because my parents did a pretty decent job of raising me!

Turns out, it's just because I'm white. Sorry Mom and Dad, but thanks for being white, apparently.

3. "I'm not racist. I have black friends."

In the year 2014, this is actually a hipster meme, and hasn't been uttered with sincerity since the mid 90s. Bonus LOLs for the HUGE picture of Donald Sterling. Racism is stupid, but crucifying a senile old man for being old and senile (and white), seems pretty stupid too.

4. "These protesters speak so well, but they're such violent people."

I don't know if those two sentiments together have ever been said by a white person, but I'm sure independently each has. Just so we're clear here, this article says that when you, as a white person, compliment an African American on speaking well, or presumably any other thing he or she did well, that is underhanded and you are racist, end of story. This is what's called "just can't win".

The latter part isn't that unfounded, even as the HuffPo link somehow tries to turn the alarming amount of black violence into an anti-gun diatribe. "Dude wouldn't have gotten so pissed and murdered those other dudes if that gun wasn't taunting him, sitting there on the table, in his periphery, begging to be used. That gun, what an asshole".

5. "You probably voted for Barack Obama just because he's black."

Well, if you're black, you probably kinda definitely did just that. For as much as the black community seemed to dislike Bush's presidency, I'm at a loss for reasons, relating to policy, that the black community would vote for a second Obama term. 

6. "It's not fair that you all can say the n-word, but we can't."

Is the idea of reclamation and constant usage of a racial slur stupid? Possibly. 

Maybe put another way would be better: does the usage of a word by one race, a word seen as a racial slur by all other races, does that make my life any better or worse? Nah.

Keep on fighting that good fight for the right to regularly use a racial slur, and I'll keep on having an awesome life, independent of its usage, fair or not.

7. "I'm clutching my purse or my wallet when you walk past, because I think you might steal from me."

Here, intelligent tweeter, @BroderickGreer eloquently tells it like it is, while making it about race: "Armed white men can walk through Target with no consequence, but unarmed black teens are routinely murdered by white police. #Ferguson"

I don't know the technical term for this particularly insidious type of logical fallacy, perhaps it is just a non sequitur. But I would totally be cool with black dudes walking around Target with concealed weapons. Unfortunately the qualifier at the end of the tweet, "routinely", should be substituted for rarely, as that's more accurate, and pales in comparison to the black on white crime stats.

Back to the tweet though, I've never heard of armed white men in Target causing trouble. Have you? I think we can all agree that unarmed black teens getting murdered by anyone is indeed bad. Though you'd think unarmed black teens would be more wary of armed black teens.

Either way, however right or wrong, stereotypes come from somewhere, and when your stereotype is derived from rap culture, which uh, glamorizes violence, crime, and misogyny, that's not awesome. Apologies for preferring not to associate with those that look like they just stepped out of a rap video.

But there are white stereotypes that should be avoided, like white dudes in white robes, or white people that look like juggalos, though statistically I would probably be less likely to get assaulted.

I'm going to clutch my purse when a person that appears to characterize a certain stereotype enters my vicinity (note that the other day I decided I was born a woman, so I am now carrying a purse).

8. "I don't understand why you people..."

OK yeah, this is a pretty stupid thing to say, but I can't help but wonder what the author means by "white people" when he lists the things they need to stop saying to "black people". 

9. "When I see you, I don't see race."

Here, the writer argues that by rejecting and seeing past race, you are still racist. The creative, if not backward ways this writer imagines in which white people can be racist would boggle the mind of even the sadly not late and definitely not great Reverend Jesse Jackson.

10. "If black men don't want to get stopped by police, maybe they shouldn't dress that way."

Hey no fair, this is the same thing as number 7! 

11. "Racism ended in the 1960s. Stop making such a big deal out of nothing."

Said no cracker jack motherfucker/white person ever. I live in Northwest Wisconsin, which is in the Midwest, and I'm white, so clearly I'm racist, and I've never heard anything like that uttered. 

But seriously, stop making a big deal out of nothing.

delivery man: the movie

On Friday night, the missus and I crushed a fish fry, and get this: the baked fish was baked in Hidden Valley Ranch. So American/lol. But prior to the fish fry crushing, we hit up the local Redbox at the sketchy gas station in the unsavory part of town. Seriously, as we were pulling out of the parking lot, we watched a dude leave the store, twelver of Natty Light under arm, cross the street, and cut through a yard between two houses lol.

Serious visual stench of scum permeates that couple of blocks.

So yeah, we rented a movie, Delivery Man, starring Vince Vaughn. I remember seeing the preview for this movie in a theater, while waiting for Bad Grandpa to come on, and my friend commenting about how stupid this movie looks, while I secretly thought it looked sweet.



Long story short, I was kinda right: it was wholly unnecessary, but pretty good for a quick PUMP.

The premise is that Vaughn's character, David Wozniak, a loser meat-delivery driver for his family business makes bad decisions (poor investments, owes money to the mob, is a bad boyfriend, etc.), and when he was younger, donated so much sperm to a sperm bank that he was one half of producing 530-something bastard sperm bank babies.

Finally one day, those babies, mostly grown, filed a class action lawsuit, wanting to meet him. It gets national press, he goes on a heartwarming mission to meet those kids, helps them out in some way, finally the lawsuit gets its day in court, and you can probably guess the ending is super PUMP-filled and PUMPY.

If you're looking for a mindless feel good movie, this is your flick, bros.

One thing of note is the Libertarian bent the movie sort of took on. Despite Hollywood, and the mainstream media in general, loving anything Democrat/Liberal, this movie managed to kind of buck that trend. See, Vince Vaughn is a pretty big movie star, and he's also a Libertarian, so it was nice to see the hints at sanity throughout.

A couple plot points of the movie could, in real-life, be rallying points for big-government Democrat types. Instead, the plot follows a more or less Libertarian philosophy, and says, "hey government, let me fix this mess you created". And just like in real-life, when that philosophy is allowed to play out, it works.

First, and maybe the most glaring issue, is that the lawsuit - the premise of the movie - was not quickly dismissed upon a judge reading the first couple sentences. But, no garbage lawsuit, no movie. Still though, it's hard not to empathize with the kids wanting to meet their #BioDad.

Second, the class action lawsuit against Wozniak is brought on not because the children want money or punitive rewards, rather, they just want to know the identity of their biological father. Of note is that the children are generally in their mid-20's, and it's kind of cool to see Hollywood display these kids/young people not as a parasitic mass of government teet-suckers, but as able-bodied and able-minded young adults that want merely truth, and not constantly chasing the federal dollar.

Third, the meat of the movie, and the source for much PUMP is when Wozniak is secretly meeting his bastard children, with them having no idea who the old weirdo is. Obviously it's a movie, so the probability of Wozniak appearing right when a life-altering act of kindness is needed most, is pretty low. But the sentiment is still there: you don't always need the government to give you or your kids money, you should probably try to be a decent person first. It's sad that being a good parent is shown as a Libertarian value, when it should be universal.

Finally, the court ruling in the movie reflects fairness and sanity: the anonymity documents signed prior to sperm donation uphold Wozniak's right to anonymity. Oddly, here in modern reality, the court would likely rule Wozniak is not just responsible for revealing his identity as the biological father, but also monetarily liable in some weird way.

It's funny, if you ask any Democrat or Republican, he or she would likely tell you that Libertarians want to eat your children, or something equally as absurd. However, when you look at Libertarianism through the lens of its application to real situations, no matter how far-fetched, it sure seems pretty reasonable.

i'm that idiot

My birthday was in July. It was awesome. People showered me with gifts, both lavish and shitty.

On the lavish side, my mom bought me a really nice bike computer from Wheel & Sprocket in CrAppleton. Turns out, that bike computer was meant to actually fit into the frame of only a select few hyper-douchey road bikes. Kinda cool, the speed/cadence sensor fits right into either the chainstay or somewhere in the fork. But I don't have one of those bikes, because fuck Mary Burke (she worked for Trek, who owns Bontrager). So it needed to be returned. For those keeping score, it was the Bontrager Trip 300/DuoTrap S Combo. No shit, that's the actual name. Looks like an awesome product though.

Note here that the packaging is poorly labeled, and there is no way my mom would have known that it was compatible with only three different bikes. And of course the asshole at the counter isn't obligated to ensure a solid customer experience.

Anyway, the return sounds easy: proprietary technology + my mom not being cheap = probably a hefty return value. My mom bought me this awesome bike pump too.

So when my wife was back in the Fox Cities area, she kindly went to the Wheel & Sprocket shop location in OshCrap, as she agreed to exchange it for me. Ah, but the forgotten variable introduced by a highly intelligent and business savvy woman: the cost of doing business. See she needed a helmet, and bartered her way into a new one, using a superior brain and assumed surplus return value, and her good looks. I put a post it note on the box, explaining what I needed: a bike computer that will measure everything, with sensors that are universally compatible, and a helmet for you (not you, but for my wife).

Now we have: (proprietary technology + my mom not being cheap) - a new helmet = goddamnit.

After the transaction went down, a recap over the phone sounded benign enough. She went and got a bike computer that will work on my bike, really any decent one would do, and she got herself a nice little helmet for that nice little head of hers. All is well.

A week later, the beautiful woman reappeared at our house with the bike stuff! And other stuff!

Her return brought me this, the Bontrager Trip 300 computer. Notice it is the same computer from above. Upon opening the box and discovering that it was labeled exactly right, with only a computer and no sensors, I could feel the pangs of #ragesweat.

So I did what any sane person would do - called the bike shop to make sure I wasn't missing something. Luckily they were still open. I gave him a brief run down of what happened, and explained to the dude what I was holding in my hands (not a wiener, weirdos), so he went and grabbed the same product to compare with me. Turns out, he confirmed that yeah, I simply have just the computer and would need the sensors.

Here's the kicker, he went on to say I would need the DuoTrap Sensor...you know, the one I just told him was JUST FUCKING EXCHANGED BECAUSE IT IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH MY BIKE.

I detected confusion.

Naturally, I went in a little bit more detail to explain to him what happened, almost exact verbiage here: my mom accidentally bought the wrong computer, and the turd at the counter didn't say anything about this product being compatible with only a few bikes, and then my wife exchanged the Trip 300 DuoTrap S Combo, and the idiot at the counter gave her the same goddamn computer, though minus the sensors. Wouldn't the computer need sensors so it can COMPUTE!?

His response? A meek, "I'm that idiot".

At least he was nice about it.

What is the takeaway here? The Wheel & Sprocket chain is like the Kohl's of bike shops.

she kept both

It probably comes as no surprise to you that in the Heck Yeah household, we are avid The Bachelor and The Bachelorette fans. It's the only TV show we really watch religiously.

After the Juan Pablo season this past winter and spring, we wondered how it could get any worse! But then something kinda messed up happened this season - something that I don't think has really happened on the show yet: racism supposedly reared its ugly head. Though Juan Pabz did have unsavory things to say about gays.

Well what happened, did drunk idiot Craig get drunk again and drop an n-bomb? Did smarmy asshole JJ slap Ron because of his big black misshapen head?

Nah, it was much more subtle, or more likely, pretend.

During a rose ceremony, the bachelor or bachelorette hands out roses to those fools lucky enough to make the cut. The contestants stand and wait for their name to be called, kinda like this:





When the alleged incident happened, both black dudes received roses. Apparently, contestant Andrew (sick name, btw) mumbled something to the dude standing next to him, JJ, along the lines of "she kept both blackies". There was no audio of the incident, just video that shows Andrew mumbling something to JJ. What was said was completely indecipherable.

To shed further light on Andrew being a dickhead, and possibly guilty, earlier in the show, at a restaurant, a hostess apparently gave her number to Andrew. This was reported by none other than JJ, who then tattled a gruesome story to all the other cast mates, and then confronted Andrew, with head-shaking lols. The only outcome here is all parties involved looking like dickheads. Note here that dickheads are not always racist, but racists are usually dickheads.

In terms of dickhead-ness, both Andrew and JJ are pretty high up there, with JJ probably taking the title.

A couple shows later, and we have #Blackiegate. And then as we'll find out, it re-reared its ugly head during the "men tell all" reunion.

On the show, once JJ brought his revelation to light, to Marquel, the remaining black contestant, Marquel confronted Andrew, and did so in a somewhat reasonable manner, naturally, after initially blaming. Andrew of course denied it; Marquel seemed to be fine with that, having only hearsay from known scum, versus the word of borderline scum. They (Andrew and Marquel) were polite until one of them parted, and then eventually both were gone.

You'd think the beef would be squashed.

Fast forward to the reunion show the other night, and ABC wouldn't dare pass up a chance to crucify a white guy for racism, however true it may or may not be. So once the dudes all came out, Chris Harrison, the host, jumped right in.

Obviously, Marquel, given this great platform on national television, acted as if Andrew was guilty as charged/ferk. Throughout the interaction, there was really nothing Andrew could say (I mean really, is there?) to assuage Marquel's hurt and inner turmoil. The soapbox was soaped and the platitudes were platituded. As expected, Marquel directed his anger/ignorance right at Andrew. This was despite a good chunk of the other (sadly white) dudes coming to Andrew's defense. Though the defense might be seen more as an indictment of JJ's known assholery.

Where he should have directed his rage was at his friend on the show, JJ. If we pretend for a minute that what JJ disclosed really happened, his waiting four weeks later to share it certainly diluted it, while shedding light on his intentions.The waiting weakened it, and does a disservice to combating actual racism. Marquel, ever the dullest tool in the shed, completely missed that. Let's all hope he's not the next Bachelor, though smart money is on Chris.

Also funny is Ron, the other black dude, weighing in, even despite most reasonable viewers thinking JJ is an unlikable piece of shit. Nope, Ron stayed in his vacuum and condemned Andrew for being ignorant and saying ignorant things. Surprisingly though, he noted that Andrew is ignorant, not racist; BUT STILL GUILTY.

Not so funny is Andrew talking about how the incident affected his personal life...and Marquel making light of that. Marquel, as an African American, gets things handed to him because of the color of his skin. Andrew, is potentially having shitty things happen to him based on sketchy hearsay.

Sadly, at the end, Andrew apologized, most likely just to chill the idiot chorus. Either way, if Andrew said it, he's an idiot, if not, he's still an idiot: another white dude that just can't win.

a restaurant review, the sequel

Back in June, we reviewed a newer local restaurant, after a particularly shitty experience.

As usual, we social media'd the shit out of the blog post, from our HYM corporate social media sites that we frequent (Tinder, Adult Friend Finder, Redtube, facebook, etc.), and somebody from the restaurant commented! No lie, it was a very nice, thoughtful comment. He or she basically just apologized, said that's not how they roll, invited us back on their dime, and totally took ownership. Classy.

We were definitely gonna stop back anyway though, cause in typing up the initial review, I lurked their/there/they're facebook page, and they apparently serve oysters (!), and the wings looked awesome. Note that there is no way in hell I was going to expect them to pay for our meals.

So here we are, actually a month later, again on a Thursday night, after the live "Music in the Park" event, we were hungry, so we stopped into Bug Eyed Betty's. As we pulled in, the parking lot was PACKED, and I got so pissed that I immediately started re-sweating. The sweating subsided as I saw my friends, *** and *** hanging outside during halftime of their Thursday night trivia. We chatted for a few and headed inside to meet our food-fate.

Funny note, as an avid blog reader and booster of heckyeahman.org, and considering the previous review, when he saw us/me, *** exclaimed, "ARE THEY GONNA LET YOU BACK IN HERE!?" Heckyeahwoman was also worried about shitty-review retaliation. I did my time in a restaurant, I know how that works. So yeah, we were kinda nervous.

So how was the experience?

It started out on a sour note when I learned they were out of the oysters! GODDAMNIT I LOVE OYSTERS! Not to worry, a cold Oberon and Heckyeahwoman's sweet margarita raised our spirits right up. Since our (my) June moratorium on eating pizza expired, we (I) have been on a pizza binge, so yep, with Heckyeahwoman's blessing, we opted for the MEAT PIZZA, aptly named The Burly.

The pizza came out pretty quickly, and after the waitress set it down on the table, my first instinct was to ask where our pizza was, because all I saw was a big fucking pile of meat in the shape of a perfect, medium-sized circle.

So how did it taste?

Like heaven.

The meat was great (Canadian bacon, sausage, pepperoni?, braised beef brisket, other meats I'm forgetting). HYW thought the brisket was dry, so I started picking pieces off and stuffing them into my piehole, and confirmed she mistakenly used "dry" in place of "delicious". With pizza, one thing I don't generally notice, unless it's done right, is a nicely crispy dough on the bottom, and this was that, bros.

Pizza was awesome.

Midway through our meal, a managerial-looking fellow popped by and asked how things were tasting. Our awesome was met with his awesome, and we finished up.

At the end of the night, the final tally, in terms of pizza slices, had me winning with 4, compared to my wife's 2.

you're next

Happy Monday.


 

John LOLiver weighs in

I must have seen 15 people post John Oliver links about how he "destroys" something related to the recent Hobby Lobby Supreme Court decision.

To catch you up: the Supreme Court ruled that Hobby Lobby and other companies don't have to provide certain health care services if they are religiously opposed (omg birth control and abortions!). Makes sense - you run a business, you are the boss, you should be able to decide which benefits you give your employees, how much you pay them, you know, how you run your OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS.

Having only known that Mr. Oliver hosted The Daily Show at one point, and seeing links that redirect to credible news sites like mediaite, msn, and democraticunderground, I had an inkling that we'd be low on humor, and high on demagoguery. Turns out I was right. Note that I made it about a minute and a half into the six minute rant. But the tidy little description was the heads up anybody would need.

His thing is that CORPORATIONS ARE NOT PEOPLE! I get that, but quick question, who runs corporations and companies? It may seem like profit-focused, corner-cutting, automaton scum, but smaller companies like Hobby Lobby, where the head honcho might actually have, aw who gives a shit: somebody owns a company, be it a board of chair people or an...uh, owner. If he, she, or they decide a decision (based on business, what has worked for them in the past, personal beliefs, etc.), that's not the corporation as a whole making it, despite that decision being reflected onto or within that corporation (as a whole).

So really what it boils down to, for reasonable people, is that John Oliver, and a bunch of other people don't want you to exercise religious freedom if you run a business. The surprising good news here for those companies that are graciously allowed to exercise their religious freedom, the government will pick up the tab for contraception and other stuff***.

Probably the only thing that gets people like Mr. Oliver harder than declaring their atheism, is declaring that the government will pay for something.

Here's a novel idea: if you don't like what your job offers you - pay, benefits, job title, boss, work environment, 3/10s with office goggles, or anything, don't fucking work there! You don't want to work for bible-thumpers? Tell them to fuck off when you get a job offer! Or politely decline like a reasonable person. Nobody owes you a goddamn thing just because you don't like your job, or holy shit, a possible potential job that you might take.

Further, are you a die hard atheist turd and hate Hobby Lobby? Show them your hate and don't shop there! Go to Hobbytown USA or Michael's (those are similar stores, right? lol) instead. Is the owner of the restaurant down the street known gay-hating scum, a child molester, or someone with slightly differing views than you on wedge issues but overall a nice guy? Tell your friends and avoid the place like the plague. Review they asses on facebook.

But for the love of dong, don't fucking tattle to the government.

Problem here though, there are people that think the government can run their business better than you, a quick run through of the government's stellar track record, with hits like the Amtrak and UPS, paints a different picture.

I think drugs should be legalized, but if some asshole wants to piss test me, he or she should be able to.

You know what else pisses me off? I'm an atheist. That by itself doesn't piss me off. But other atheists piss me off. I don't believe in God. But you know how many shits I give that somebody believes in what I think are fairy tales?

Know how many?

Take a guess.

Go ahead.

Zero.

Yep, zero shits.

I've had to add a qualifier to my title of "atheist". Yep, as of like a couple years ago, I officially became an "apathetic atheist".

Credit where credit is due: Mr. Oliver does get one thing right, surprisingly, when he says that, "Taxation is more of an all-you-can-eat salad bar". Though it's not clear he meant the government is the one gorging on taxes. Judging by his politics, I'm guessing he meant fat white people from the rural south, because the facts say they're the most religionest people. OK, spoiler: the facts don't say that at all. But it's cool.

At the very least, do me (and the world) a huge favor, if you take issue with a person running his or her own business how he or she sees fit, please please please try to not have a safe Fourth of July weekend.

***I don't want the government to pay for much, but I would love it if they would inundate us with free birth control and make abortions an extremely cheap, everyday thing...almost mandatory, if you will.

another restaurant review

After the smashing success of the last restaurant review, I thought it necessary to throw up another one. You may have noticed my PUMPY mention of our wedding anniversary from a recent HUMP DAY PUMP UP. Well that glorious day came. And with it came a review-worthy restaurant experience.

A quick review of that anniversary though, in story form (note the names have been changed): Turd dates Pretty Future Doctor. Turd marries Pretty Doctor. Turd and Pretty Doctor have their first child who unexpectedly was born a cat. Turd celebrates four years of marriage to Pretty Doctor.

Before heading out for dinner, we exchanged gifts. I had a local florist produce a close approximation of Heckyeahwoman's wedding bouquet - based on facebook wedding pictures, my MiL's floral expertise, and luck. It turned out awesome; she was PUMPED. I was gifted two (2) bottles of my favorite beverage: malort. The first, Jeppson's, I am intimately familiar with. The second, Baska Snaps, I had been wanting to try, and did immediately upon opening. Both wonderful.

Our first stop was at the new(ish) wine bar, Splash, where we were greeted by a virtually empty, dark room and what would become an annoying bartender. I sampled a $7 malbec and my wife tried the 'tender's suggestion, Cigar Red Zin. Both delicious, though hers was not as enjoyable due to the bartender repeatedly yammering on about how it's his favorite wine.

When people to whom I can't relate enjoy the same things that I enjoy, I tend to enjoy them less.

Quick question, do you want to be served wine by a 21 year old surfer-brah in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, in a wine bar, where he won't shut up, and the only reason he's not wearing board shorts is because he already been written up twice by management for wearing them to work? Do you? Me neither.

So we split after one glass each.

Next up was local restaurant, Mona Lisa's. We haven't been there for over ten years, though it had been ten years since we'd lived in Eau Claire. If I remember right, we went there for Heckyeahwoman's 19th birthday a long time ago (ha not that long ago, I swear!). My parents took me there one time when they were up visiting too, but they got me loaded on wine so the details aren't totally clear.

It was a Thursday night and the place was pretty packed, but not too packed for a local celebrity and his beautiful wife to get a VIP seat, so that was nice. At first I thought their shitty paper menus were shitty, but I was later informed that they change frequently due to availability of local food and seafood, so that was sweet. Menus in general though, so gross, with gross people putting their gross hands all over them.

Heckyeahwoman kicked things off with a glass of some type of red wine, and I was pleased to see they had Left Hand's Nitro Milk Stout on tap. Love that beer. The drinks came relatively quickly.

The menu itself was great looking. Italian food is funny, I never get PUMPED about eating it, but when I'm there, nomming hard as shit, the PUMP always seems to find me. The menu, with a great selection of seafood, got the PUMP going right away. Scallops, shrimp, other critters of the sea, all over the pasta. Hard choices were made that night, but in the end, they were the right choices, as we will soon see (sea?, sorry).

Heckyeahwom'n was torn between a few items, but went with the Seafood Rockefeller, and COTDAMM was it good. Aside from being creamy and (probably, I think) savory, the white sauce had a smokey flavor to it, while the scallops in the dish were almost knuckle size, no joke. Her tortellinis were cheese filled and cooked perfectly. Really great choice, doctor. Upon much deliberation, I went with the Seafood Ravioli. And delightfully shockingly, it was more seafood than ravioli, even though the raviolis were massive. I couldn't take a bite without packing my fork fulla various water-dwelling insect treats: scrimps, scallops, a white fish that didn't taste fishy at all, and I think calamari of the unbreaded variety. Stupid good, I literally couldn't wait to eat the leftovers.

The dinner concluded with the server bringing our forgotten glass of wine, that we had to chug before leaving, cause, as we say in the Heckyeah-household, "PAPA'S GOTTA TALK TO THE TURLET NOW".

are rookie quarterbacks automobiles?

A recent ESPN article about rookie quarterbacks asks why a team wouldn’t start one of the three drafted in the 2014 first round immediately. The author goes so far as to analogize these rookies with a new car: you don’t let the car sit in the garage until it gets better. If you’re brain is functioning at all today, you should see the misguided thinking there.

Maybe a better analogy would be: you don’t ride a bike with flat tires. A finely tuned bicycle with all componentry dialed in is much the same as a fully prepared quarterback, rookie or veteran.

Obviously then, why would you just throw a rookie quarterback to the wolves after a short offseason? I’m not a football player, coach, strategist, or anything associated with professional football, other than an average, somewhat fair weather fan. Note that I should do a piece defending my stance as a self-described fair weather fan.

A lot of things can happen from the minute a draft concludes to opening kickoff, that would prevent a rookie QB from starting. From injury, contract disputes, dickhead behavior, to laziness, your rookie QB may not be ready. Whatif his surrounding team is crappy? What’s up Jags?

Going from college to the pros is a huge transition: it’s faster and more complex. Take any person, a world class athlete or a world class intellectual, and when things get faster and/or more complex, there is a period of adaptation. The length of that adaptation and how it affects the rest of the team is the measure we’re looking for. Obviously, a shorter, less adverse adaptation would signify a quarterback that is positioned to succeed in the NFL over the long term.

How many rookie quarterbacks come out in their rookie season and blow minds? Maybe that’s not the expectation, but not a whole lot. Recent success stories include Andrew Luck and Russell Wilson. Andrew Luck is a very smart dude that just looks really fucked up, but he has a turnover problem. Russell Wilson is a product of his system that doesn’t ask a whole lot of him, and he’s quite handsome. Though you will not be soon confusing those guys for Manning, Brady, or Rodgers.

It will be interesting to see these guys improve as their teams lean more (Wilson) and less (Luck) heavily on them to win games.

Often times there is no question about plugging a first rounder right into the starting lineup at any other position, and I don’t see why a quarterback should really be judged any differently. If you're ready, you're ready. Though with quarterback as arguably the most important position on the field, playing with your expensive new toy just because it is an expensive new toy is not the best strategy for sustainable success.

It can be telling though when that shiny, new toy is the best tool for the job, meaning the other QBs on the roster are seen as inferior compared to a first rounder fresh out of college. Lol, Vikings and Jags.

Note that Aaron Rodgers sat behind one of the best QBs of all times, and he is now the greatest QB of all time, just sayin’.

a restaurant review

Last Thursday night Heckyeahwoman and I tried Bug Eyed Betty's Half Moon Saloon, a newer restaurant here in Eau Claire.

In May 04, when I was just leaving college, we had a graduation lunch at Boston's, as it was newly opened (and built). Pretty decent food. Then eight years later when we moved back to Eau Claire, Boston's had become Broadway's Pizza. As Broadway's was usually at least semi-full, I was surprised to see that place was gone and it is now Bug Eyed Betty's.

We like trying new restaurants, and that combined with a few positive things I've heard on facebook, we decided to give it a try.

The night started out like any other: with cold beer. So that was good.

The menu looked pretty interesting. I went with a burger that allegedly had kimchi on it, along with spicy pickles, and pork belly, cooked medium; I was PUMPED. Heckyeahwoman went with a burger that had pulled pork. While we were thinking similar things, both ordering burgers, we soon hit a fork in the road when she went with the plain french fries, and I coughed up the buck fifty to upgrade to GARLIC FRIES! HECK YEAH!

Despite the restaurant being less than a third full, we still waited a good half hour for our food. Not to sound all 'Merican, but that seems a little long. Nevertheless, when you're in public with a 10/10 total #SmartBabe, you don't complain about being seen in public with that 10/10 total #SmartBabe. So we waited.

Then the food arrived.

The fries had that gilded deep fried appearance that induces the NOMs, with tiny minced chunks of garlic hanging for dear life onto each individual fry. Not to mention the deliciously visible garlic sauce that ignited my inner hunger so furiously. They truly looked amazing. A quick taste proved me dead wrong as they were simply, "meh".

We traded a couple fries, and surprisingly, Heckyeahwoman's were better. As a french fry connoisseur, I know a good goddamn french fry, and these garlic-flavored shits weren't it.

Time for the main course - burgers!

That first delicous bite was inches from my face, a mere weiner-length; I could taste it! And there it is, CRUNCH(!), the surprisingly, super bummer of a first bite: this burger is waaayyyy well done. CHARRED AS FUCK. The pork belly might as well have been a thin strip of charcoal. My burger was a hockey puck turd of a patty. Now there was a time in my life when I would have appreciated the broilerdude killin' my meat, but those times have long since passed.

And the kimchi? THE FUCKING KIMCHI? It was pickled pink shit. I don't know what the pink shit was or is, but every time I've had kimchi, it has never looked or tasted like pickled pink shit. Shoot, when I was in my mid-40s, I lived in Korea, and had I tried to pass this off as anything other than pickled pink shit, they woulda lynched me. Nice bait and switch there.

In case you're wondering, I ate half my burger and fries there, then brought the rest home for dinner the next night. Heckyeahwoman's meal was pretty great - her burger was prepared correctly. The pork was juicy and flavorful and the burger itself wasn't way overcooked.

But what really gets my goat here, what really chaps my ass is the service. Our waiter came over twice (2 times) to check on our food, and somebody else came over again, and all three (3) times we were asked about the food, and every time I looked him in the eye, and gave him a bummed out "eh, it's OK".

And all three (3) times both dudes got huge smiles on their faces, and replied with a super-PUMPED, "AWESOME!"

Again, hate to sound all 'Merican, but mediocre is not awesome.

I can't wait to try the next restaurant at this location in six months.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: SUPER HEAVY PUMP UP

Yo it's not even nine in the aye em and I am straight prairie-dogging like a boss.

Not a PUMPY way to start the day, but you know what? The PUMP will get me through. #RealTalk

That said, I went on an awesome two and a half week trip, by plane and train, to Arizona, Colorado, Chicago, and back. Maybe we'll have a little write up on that soon. But not today. Nah, today is all about the PUMP. Not that the trip wasn't PUMPY, it was, but lettuce let tradition dictate how we receive the PUMP UP, and it's gotta be with PUMPY JAMS.

This first PUMPJAM comes to you from the fine people in a band called Martyr AD. It's so heavy and brutal that this low end got my bowels a-rumblin'.





Man, it's finally for real summer, and fun stuff is getting planned like cray. Not to mention that the last I've heard of this Donald Sterling nonsense is just from seeing my last post when I logged into MY BLOG to post this PUMP UP.

This weekend Heckyeahwoman is heading out of town for a couple days, and the only good that will come out of that is her not seeing my embarrassing, but temporary, descent into a buffalo wing-gobbling, biking, unshowered, whiskey drinking weekend warrior shithead. But when she gets back, we have fun stuff going on for the foreseeable future.

Kicking off that foreseeable future is this fast paced brutal JAM of PUMP:




Coming up in mid-June is our wedding anniversary! That should (and will be) a HUMP DAY PUMP UP all to itself. Somehow convincing a total babe to marry me (and stay married to me) will forever be my crowning LIFEPUMP achievement.

Then that weekend a bunch of friends are coming into town for a weekend full of debauchary.

After that, there is a huge local bike race, and that should be a blast. Probably won't be racing, will be busy as PUMP making sure it is awesome for everybody. Funny, I was the race director for a local snowbike and snowshoe race in February, and while I was totally dreading it, it would up being an absolute blast.

After that, we're heading to Michigan for a long weekend of fuckin' freedom and booze.

After that, Minneapolis, here we come as the Rays are coming to town to FUCKING DESTROY THE SHITHEAD VIKINGS/TWINKS WHATEVER.

After that, I turn like 47.

Somewhere in there we'll sneak in a nice dinner on the lake - an awesome gift from my Dad and Stepmom.

We may even try to sneak in a trip to New York City and Boston. Note that as an uncultured rube, I don't believe in big cities or metropolitan areas.





Dogg I got a haircut appointment this Saturday to get that crucial summer cut. Just ordered some sick road bike tires. Gonna throw them shits on my cross bike and ride around all slow and better looking than you. Currently rocking a tight polo right now. And I'm jamming the shit outta Blink-182's Enema of the State - after of course jamming the above PUMPJAMS.

Right now I need you to do this: mainline dark coffee and get PUMPED

you idiots

In a recent poll, reported on by ESPN, Donald Sterling is the most hated American. Yes, that's right, a man who got tricked into saying stupid things on tape was ranked as the most hated man in America.

A person with a functioning brain would realize that Mr. Sterling's honor here is not a tragic indictment of a perceived state of poor race relations in the United States, but a confirmation that America, as a whole, is fucked.

Mr. Sterling himself is somewhat an enigma: he makes unsavory comments about nonwhites, but then repeatedly donates shitloads of money to nonwhite causes, such as the NAACP...which, I think we can all agree is generally more racist than a senile, old white dickhead. Aside from the act of blatantly discriminating against white people, any association or group, built on the foundation of "helping" a certain segment - based on skin color, while excluding another segment - based on skin color, well, that's the definition of racism, innit?

But we're not here to talk about the evils of the NAACP; we're here to share our disbelief over this poll.

To recap, Donald Sterling is the most hated man in America. Of the top 10, eight are famous through pop culture or sports, while one of the remaining two is a thief, and the other is scandal-prone scum.

Look at the list:

1	Donald Sterling	92
2	Bernie Madoff	90
T3	OJ Simpson	88
T3	Conrad Murray	88
5	Justin Bieber	86
6	Phil Spector	83
7	Aaron Hernandez	81
8	Michael Lohan	76
9	Eliot Spitzer	73
10	Jon Gosselin	71

From that list, most sane people would agree that Aaron Hernandez is associated with the most heinous acts - murdering multiple people. Note that he's charged, not convicted, so time will tell.

Conrad Murray was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, and Phil Spector was convicted of murder. Outside of that, we're left with crooks, scum, and at the very best, shitheads. If you think merely being a shithead is enough to incur the hate of 92% of those polled, you'll be in for a very big surprise when you turn 19 or have to face reality.*

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think these activities are worse than saying racist things:
- killing people
- raping people
- ordering missiles to be shot at women and children (and dudes, I guess)
- war
- stealing from people
- being an asshole
- being a Kanye West or Imagine Dragons fan

It's funny, the list is telling not just in its portrait of cultural blasphemy, which shapes up to be more of a caricature, but that apparently people still think about Jon Gosselin. America, you just keep getting worse.


*whichever comes first

**UPDATE**

ESPN is now reporting that a sale of the LA Clippers franchise is close to being completed, and being pushed through by Sterling's somewhat estranged, but still part-owner wife, Shelly. The article mentions that Mr. Sterling is "mentally incapacitated" and "has dementia", as part of the reason why Shelly is able to push through the quick sale without much resistance from Mr. Sterling himself.

I don't know what forced reappropriation of propety totally means, but that sounds like an applicable term here.

Worse, Donald Sterling is apparently suffering from serious mental illness, and considering what is happening to the old fart, in a nation and society obsessed with diagnosing away excuses,  let that sink in.