Wednesday, June 15, 2016

parade of homes

The annual Parade of Homes is happening here in the Chippewa Valley and it is a bunch of homes opening up for visitation by the (paying) general public for a week. Obviously this is something a reasonable person wouldn't give a shit about, but this year it hits close to home. Like, across the street close to home.

For as long as we've lived here, there'd been a tiny empty lot across the street from us, between two normal sized lots. It was so tiny that we didn't even know it was a separate lot. Anyway, the lot got sold sometime in 2015, and in March of this year, ground was broken on a new house. But because it's such a small lot, they had to build up. So now the neighbor to the North has a nice view of nothing but house out her south-facing windows. I'm sure she's stoked (she's not). The neighbor to the South is unaffected. Unrelated: that guy has too many goddamn boats.

The big deal is that OMG a new house is being built in our historic neighborhood, the Third Ward. Apparently that never happens, as all the houses here are already built; we're not a burb or subdivision. The Parade of Homes included this new house, because apparently the contractor tried to mind the Third Ward aesthetic and styles when building. There was even a newspaper story about it, and cars had been driving past to look, lol. Spoiler alert: they did a pretty OK job.

Having no idea about this Parade - what it is really - other than on Saturday (and Sunday, and all week), a bunch of people were parking like assholes in front of our house and waddling over to the new house, we decided to walk on over. Turns out it is a paid event, where you get to go look at new houses and fancy renovations. We told the door dude that we live across the street, so he told us to put on the shoe cover booty things and go in for free. We did.

The house itself was underwhelming. It looked like a cleaner, more modern, un-lived in version of ours. Except smaller, and unfinished. Decent house though. When we left, we walked by a siding sales guy with a table full of literature, talked to him for a minute. Nice enough dude.

Obviously the first question any sane person would ask would be, "why the fuck would anybody pay to do this?!"

Heckyeahwoman tried to brush it off, "some people think it's cool to see what other people do with their houses". Her pretty smile almost made me not hate it anymore.

Not so fast.

Who the hell wants to see what an unnecessary family of four, headed up by an overweight dad with a crooked goatee that drives a huge, underused pickup truck, does with their interior or landscaping? I'm not saying that's the family that will be moving into the house, just an approximation. But am I nuts for not giving a shit about that?

You trying to tell me that tasteless shitheads of the Chippewa Valley are some sort of taste makers here for us? That I should give a crap what other people do to their houses, inside and out? And then pay to see it? Nah, Google free, bruh. Besides, I can shop at Kohl's. I usually don't, but I also don't need to view the houses of those that do.

This went on from like 10am to 4pm Saturday and Sunday, and then 5 to 9pm Monday through Friday. I bet the average Parader spent at least a couple hours on two (2) different days, driving around the Parade and looking at houses. What a waste of time.

"Oh but I really like interior desi"-SHUT THE FUCK UP NO YOU DON'T

You are actually probably unaware of how much you hate your life, and you are expressing that by willfully attending the Parade of Homes, like it's some sort of educational or inspirational activity. There is a dislike of some feature or features of your current domicile, and you have no idea that it's fueling the underlying self hate. Maybe you want a bigger TV. You probably do. Maybe you want to re-landscape the back yard. Your ultimate hope is that the Parade will push you from sedentary to artist. It won't.

That ship has sailed and you're played out.

Bottom line: the Parade of homes is for people that buy pets from breeders, that are psyched about eating at Texas Roadhouse on weekend nights, that still have fake fingernails in 2016, that have intricate and shiny designs on the back pockets of their jeans.