Monday, June 11, 2012

a few snippets from a first date

True story, while tub(esteak)ing down the river with a couple near 'n dear friends, they all made heartfelt appeals for me to fire this junk back up. Well, except for ***, he said my writing sucks and this blog isn't very funny.


Anyway, I think they were right; here I am, watching The Bachelorette and putting together this COMEBACK post.

Read on if you want to read a crappy little disjointed narrative of a couple we spied on a first date.

Picture this, pussies: Heckyeahwoman and I. I and Heckyeahwoman. Out on a dinner date at some kinda sketchy Chinese restaurant. Grouponing the shit outta that place. Now picture us going to the neighborhood dive bar afterward to get a couple beers cause it's nice as shit out.

While fighting back tears while fighting back the 'rrhea, I walked my hotwife up to the bar and we ordered a pitcher of beer. "The good stuff please, a pitcher of Labatt Blue", I stammered out to the blonde bartender. Her brief, squinty look of disgust as she sized me up told me that she probably made me for a turd.

Fair enough.

Like I said, it was nice out, and the shitty patio there was calling our names.

So Heckyeahwoman led the way to a table at the end, kinda close to this couple that appeared to be on their first date. Kinda douchey looking, poorly dressed, lanky dudebro with a pretty blonde slore. Odd couple.

Not that there's anything wrong with a 25-30 year old guy shopping for clothes at Sear's, but he obviously shops for clothes at Sear's.

First thing that caught my attention was his exclamation that "this shirt is covered with cat hair!" as he brushed, uh, cat hair off his ugly maroon striped, kinda shiny shirt.

Unfortunately his date had her back to us, so we couldn't see her grimace.

After about ten minutes of me trying to talk my way into my own date's pants, an unexpected un-amorous oddity appeared in the form of really fucking greasy fingers.

Wait what?

Yeah, the waitress brought out their orders, a burger apiece. And immediately they both just went to town on them. I've never seen a couple eat burgers so hard. Def kinda got a little chub. But then the waitress came back to check on things and two (2) mouthfuls of food assured her things were fine.

But then it happened.

Duder flags down the waitress with probably the greasiest fingers and hands I have ever seen. He is waving her down with the shiniest, wettest mandibles ever. Like, it is totally plausible that before the date he soaked his hands in baby oil. For a good couple hours. Ladies and gentlemen, this man's hands were GLISTENIN'.

So yeah, anyway, he gets the attention of the waitress, and in one of the most unpimp moves ever, he tells her that his burger didn't come with any bacon, and he "really hopes he doesn't get charged for it".



The greasy, glistening hands, the genuine fear of getting charged for the bacon that never came, the horrible outfit. It was the perfect storm of my pity for this guy.

Turns out they weren't even on a date, first or otherwise. Yeah, it was a purely platonic shitdinner between friends. How do I know this? Towards the end of the date, the dude made multiple mentions of his boyfriend.

So I guess it's not that bad; he was only an asshole in front of a friend, not like, somebody that matters.

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