Wednesday, March 7, 2012


We got a quick little POWERPUMP here for you today. Totally had something else planned for today (circa Tuesday night), but on my little trek into "the mall", I found PUMPSPIRATION somewhere I didn't plan on finding it.

Kind of like how Rhianna found love in a hopeless place, I found THE PUMP in a PUMPLESS place.

No but seriously, there I was, on my slow, arrogant walk into "the mall", and way up ahead are a couple morbidly obese "women". Walking slower than shit, they allowed me to catch up just when I could open the door for them.

Chalk that up to the precise laziness tactics perfected by the morbidly obese American woman.

Don't worry, there is a PUMP here.

It was funny though, walking right behind them, I could hear not just their vapid chatter about who knows what, but also the heavy breathing that accompanied each strained syllable that they could muster. I wouldn't quite call it English, instead a sad new dialect, littered furiously with desperate breaths.

With each word uttered, a frantic gasp for air book-ended each incomplete thoughts. In their mangled language, word, breath, word, breath, word, breath is the convoluted formula for verbalizing ideas.

My first thought was wow, what a couple WORTHLESS FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT.

But then I became immediately thankful that I was not them. That I know it's NOT OK to be them. And just like that, a satisfied smile spread across my face.

The PUMP fired from my neurons and spread through my entire body. Dopamine, no, COCAINE-FIRE-METH was coursing through my veins.

And you know what else, that new Every Time I Die album is out today! Every Time I Die? What is an Every Time I Die?


And if you're not sufficiently PUMPED, take solace knowing that there is a band out there called BLASTANUS.





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