All this talk and blog posting about small weiners and big pickup trucks, got me thinking about yep, small weiners and big pickup trucks. But like, the backing-a-huge-pickup-truck-into-a-parking-spot thing, I'm curious if that's like the Jeep Wave, but for those with micro-peens.
It's like dogwhistling a "what's up" to a certain segment of the micro-peen population.
In what ways can other segments of the micro-peen population dogwhistle each other? Really makes ya wonder.
The other day I whipped out my pocket knife to cut open a box. My five year old noticed this, and asked, "Daddy, why do you always carry a knife?"
Because I am incapable of answering a question, and generally always do things wrong (have been for the last 40+ years), HeckYeahWoman jumped in and said something about how useful and handy it is to carry a knife.
As it turns out, that was not the complete answer. Yeah, my reason for carrying a knife is related to how useful it is, but for so much more than just opening a package. I like to think that it opens up opportunities too. I went on to explain my reasoning:
You see, whenever I am out and about in public, and if I have a couple extra minutes, heck sometimes I even make time, I like to pull the old "finger through the toilet paper" trick. And before she could ask what that "finger through the toilet paper" trick is, I explained. Check this out, if I have an extra couple minutes, I'll hop into a public restroom, go into a stall, get out my knife, and poke a tiny slit in each square of the already thin and cheap toilet paper. This will make it easy for the finger(s) of that toilet paper's user to burst through one or two squares, putting finger to butthole, the ultimate indecency when shitting in a public bathroom. I then meticulously roll up the slightly altered toilet paper, and place it back into the dispenser.
And what does my daughter say after this quick tutorial on being awesome? She said, "Papa, that's really clever; I want to do that when I am old enough to use a knife".
Speaking/thinking of tiny wieners a week or two ago, I had a funny thought as I completed my daily ritual of rereading my last fifteen posts.
Thought it'd be funny to buy an electric vehicle and back it into parking spots next to huge pickup trucks.
But like one of those small beta-looking hatchback ones, like a Kia or Hyundai or something.
Maybe not that funny, sorry.
Just thought of a new TikTok trend called "passing".
Millennials and teens film themselves swallowing various items with the intention of shitting the items out, and then retrieving them from their feces. I can see this taking on a "challenge" element - who can pass the most expensive, exotic, dangerous, challenging, sharp & pokey, biggest, etc. thing.
Wonder if it would be limited to inanimate objects. Probably not.
My guess is that most of these folks will miss the actual shitting of the item. People want instant gratification, and waiting the 1.71 days for it to pass is going to result in some kids swallowing a mouse, and then eagerly and unsuccessfully digging through their very next dump while a mouse turns his bowels into an entraily hamster wheel.
Or some kid gets bold and swallows his mom's expensive jewelry. After the first unsuccessful attempt at passing, kid gets nervous, his older sibling catches wind of what's happening, and sees an opportunity. As the swallowing kid gets more and more desperate after another couple desperate and fruitless forced shits, older sibling starts filming these episodes, which culminates in either the swallowing kid performing self-surgery to recover the jewelry, or the mom getting involved, taking more drastic and brutal measures to reclaim what is rightfully hers. Either way, this evolves into 10/10 content.
Plot twist: the swallowed jewelry is an expensive diamond necklace that was a gift to the mom from the man she cheated on swallowing kid's father with, which began a bitter divorce that profoundly impacted the swallowing kid.
What about Passing getting taken to the next level, "treasure hunting"? Kid posts a video of himself swallowing a valuable object, only to then have a group of treasure hunters track him down and forcefully extract it.
Don't forget to wash your hands and clean the shit out from under your fingernails.
We received a facebook message regarding one of our recent posts. I suspect it is from a local.
Avid Reader (AR): bet u woudlnt say that too my face
Heck Yeah, Man (HYM): What's that?
AR: i have a small dick
HYM: That stinks man, have you tried Extenze or Hims?
Three days later:
HYM: Also, I see those late night ads with hall of famer Frank Thomas; he sells Nugenix. That might help you out too. The Big Hurt, man.
AR: dude fuck new genix dude. u pussy wouldnt say it to my face i know that
AR: pussy bitchc
HYM: You are not wrong.
AR: wouldtn do shit i bet
HYM: Your name is chad isn't it?
AR: yeah howd u know that u on the internet.
HYM: Your messages are coming from your personal facebook account. I bet you have a shitty goattee too.
AR: *is typing*
HYM: From your profile pic, asshole.
AR: *is typing*
HYM: Can I borrow your cool Polaris jacket?
blocked
Hey just a quick heads up here - wanted to let you know that we have decided to begin using pronouns on this site.
Due to the prevalence of what is generally considered "normie" culture here, and the trend of people adopting pronouns for non-ironic usage, we decided that now is the time. Our pronouns will reflect that, and are potentially fluid to stay current with trends and shifts in culture.
We agonized over how to best incorporate this craze into our lives, and "thus" considered many and varied pronouns and non-pronouns-as-pronouns, even inanimate-objects-as-pronouns.
Just want to be honest - if we could (or should) use "backing a huge pickup truck into a parking space" as a pronoun, we would.
For similar reasons, the following were also considered, and then cast aside as potential pronouns:
"anti-vax asshole/anti-masker shithead"
"Under Armour Hat and Sweatshirt from the clearance rack at Scheel's"
"little dick energy"
"flush'ier de turlet"
"weekday dinner at Texas Roadhouse"
"full price VIP tickets to Rock Fest"
"gun control"
As a journalist by trade, we know that our pronouns will need to honor our lived truth. So we compiled some of the most common and egregious grammar mistakes and we are speaking power to truth by literally unpacking these appropriations. Employing them in an empowering and diverse context - this is us promoting awareness, masturbatory nature of our thoughts and words without actions be damned.
Without further ado, our pronouns are: myself / sir / noun's.
This is fluid, so we do anticipate a change to just frog/frogs at some point in the near future.
Upcoming: we just remembered that we saw on twitter a couple years ago, that a semi-famous actor was "deadnamed" one time. So def keep your eyes peeled for our updated policy on "deadnaming". This will apply to both real life and "that which is imagined".
