Monday, March 14, 2016

aspiring concubines

Last fall I purchased a lightly used Trek baby trailer for my bike to use for grocery shopping. And also taking Orange Guy on bike rides around the neighborhood.

Anyway, last Saturday, I took the bike path on my way to Woodman's, only the thing about last Saturday is that it was the second really nice day so far this spring. That means that everybody was out on the paved path - runners, bikers, homeless people. Whenever I blow by anybody with the trailer in tow, I notice eyes always peeking in, trying to get a glance of what they expect to see: a baby or two. People notice it. Equally as noticeable is my mint green bike, a rigid, singlespeed, Surly Karate Monkey. Obviously a handsome dude on this rig is gonna grab attention.

And this is where it gets crazy.

By the time I got to Woodman's, I bet I had a contingent of 25 to 30 mostly helmet-less babes and wives on both hybrids and department store mountain bikes all following me. A couple joggers too towards the end of the pack. Jesus Christ, the way home, loaded up with groceries was just at packed, if not worse, as it had gotten even nicer out!

Happily married couples, really just looking to get outside for a leisurely bike ride or jog, either just the two of them or with their kids, were split up, with the aspiring concubines looking to take up with me instead! I tried to drop the first couple, but I couldn't shake them, so I just embraced it.

I even saw a husband-wife jogging combo, pushing one of those jogging strollers, and watched as the wife spotted me, smiled, shoved the stroller off into her husband, and bolted the opposite direction to follow me. One mother up ahead even flagged me down as if she were in some sort of distress, just to ask if she could put her baby in my trailer while she jogged behind. Heh, more like my baby into your trailer heh. At any rate, I told her to leave it with her husband; she did.

Even hipsters were joining in on the fun. Obviously they were attracted to the situational irony of a good looking dude on a sick singlespeed, hauling a baby trailer that only fits two babies, WHEN HE LIKELY HAS FATHERED TONS OF KIDS ALL AROUND THE WORLD PROBABLY.

If you're reading this, and you're one of the dudes whose wife left you hangin' on Saturday, sorry about that.

Last thing: when I relayed this story to my wife, she was obviously in disbelief as she told me, "oh my god you're an idiot". 

No comments: