Tuesday, May 12, 2015

tom brady

Unless you live under a rock, you have likely heard of #Deflategate. If you indeed do, and you haven't, below is an unbiased, quick primer.

The Super Bowl Champion Patriots have been accused of using under-inflated footballs, specifically in the AFC Championship game. We won't get into the deets of football PSI or any of that stuff, because it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that after months of investigation, Tom Brady got suspended four (4) games for his role, the Pats got fined a million bucks, and docked a couple draft picks.

Whether Brady did it or not, we'll likely never know, as the results from the investigation were pretty underwhelming, culminating in a ruling of "more probable than not" that the Patriots, Tom Brady specifically, ordered the under inflation of footballs. For real, no smoking gun, just hearsay and circumstantial evidence.

There were many discrepancies and errors in the collection of "evidence" and information, in addition to the possibility of a future Hall of Fame quarterback slightly cheating. But I get it, rules is rules. Also, I should note here that I am not a Pats fanboy, in fact, I find Pats fans to be just a shade beneath Red Sox fans as the worst fans on the planet.

Anyway, if I were Tom Brady, this would be my official statement:

First, I'd like to address the fans - without you, I wouldn't be here. Thank you for your unwavering support. I truly believe that we have the best fans in the world (Editor's note: not likely, as noted above; Brady likely knows that and is paying lip service). Thank you.

To the Pats organization, thank you for your unwavering support as well. We are a team, we've won Super Bowls, we've had many highlights, and I look forward to many more.

To the NFL, specifically Roger Goodell and Ted Wells: simply, fuck you.

I don't know why this sting was set up, what you are looking to prove or accomplish here. And it doesn't really matter that much. Let me tell you why.

I have more money than I will ever know what to do with. I could retire tomorrow and be set for generations, while enjoying my hall of fame induction in five years. My wife is a supermodel. Not just supermodel hot, but an actual goddamn supermodel. My kids are going to be so good looking that if I have a daughter, I'd actually think for a split second about tapping that.

You ever been to my house? Haha, trick question, I meant "houses", plural.

But what I find truly disgusting, is your veiled "fuck you" to both NFL and Pats fans. The grudges that you are holding for whatever reason are causing an inferior product to take the football field. Nothing against my backup QB for four games here, as I have full confidence he will take the field as prepared as possible, and I fully expect to come back to a 4-0 team as we take on the Colts.

Speaking of the Colts, Ryan Grigson, a few words of wisdom from my man, Curtis Jackson, whom you know as 50 Cent: "You shouldn't throw stones if you live in a glass house, and if you got a glass jaw, you should watch yo mouf, I will break yo face."

Anyway, Goodell, if you have some underlying fear or hatred of me, the Pats organization, our coach, or Robert Kraft, take it out on us personally, where it hurts - our pocketbook. Don't mess with the integrity of the game here, don't dick around with our fans - your customers. 

And maybe more importantly, do you have any idea the pickle you're going to put some fantasy footballers in? I'll be missing the first five weeks of the season, due to suspension and the bye week. In an already tight QB market, that's just another wrinkle to deal with when trying to draft a QB. Def a bitch move, son.

To both low-level towel boy shitheads- are you stupid? Texting about this, for real? You wanna know why you're 45 years old, still renting, have obese girlfriends that probably shop at The Buckle, and your cars have rust spots? You have any idea? Because you're stupid. You're obviously fired, so maybe Goodell is looking for a couple fluffers. Something tells me you'd unintentionally find a way to get fired from that gig too.

Last thing, for those curious as to why I didn't "cooperate" and turn over my cell phone, are you kidding? Goodell's fetish with bungling punishments and the subsequent mess of a sting operation I think are reason enough to be involved as little as possible. I'll take my lumps before giving in to that toupee-topped chump. If Kraft wants the cell phone, I'd hand it over. But when a hacky, incompetent, Adam Silver-esque goon starts demanding shit, yeah, no.

I'm not Tom Brady, so just imagine me saying this to you, in a very angry and accusatory tone, however completely out of context it would be. Mom, if you're reading this, sorry for Tom Brady cursing.