Wednesday, February 29, 2012

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: ROLLING STONES

After ending last week's HUMP DAY PUMP UP with that insane Misfits cover, I knew we had more cover-song-PUMPAGE to share. And as usual, I was right.

Let's get into it man.

I hate the Rolling Stones, and as any semi-regular reader will now by now, "hate" is an auto-PUMP.

But I hate the Rolling Stones. Not sure why.

That kind of changed when we were watching Jeopardy the other night and a couple clues were Rolling Stones lyrics. In fact, I think it was the entire category.

Naturally, I yelled out UNDER MY THUMB each time till I got it right. And like five deep, Under My Thumb was the correct answer. Long story short, I am now in the market for a Rolling Stones greatest hits collection.

Speaking of Under My Thumb, Social Distortion covers it and turns it from a kinda boring little number into one of the PUMPIEST PUNK JAMZ of ALL TIME.

Don't believe me? Well would you believe the author of this fine literary-themed website has been known to ROCK THIS JAM multiple times in a row at the gym?

Cause it's true.




And keeping on that Rolling Stones tip, check out this awesome cover of Paint it Black. If this cover were a hashtag, it would be #BoringSongsDoneRightToPUMPYOUUP.

Virtually every punk band and their mother has covered Paint it Black, but as you'll see shortly, this particular cover segues nicely into the next PUMPTUNE.

So that said, let the Downsy-looking singing (and yelling) styles of may man Karl bring you home.



And I think a natural transition from Earth Crisis covering Rolling Stones would be a Earth Crisis covering Eric Clapton or Cream or whoever sings THE SUNSHINE OF YOUR LOVE. The Police?

Boston?

Man I don't know. If anybody knows who the F sings this song, get at me. Not that I couldn't just Google it I guess.




You not a fan of a Sunshine of Your Love? Is that it?

Maybe you're a fan of this!

Remember this, my wayward sons: the rest of this week is to you what anything and everything in the 70's and 80's were to the Stones - drink it, snort it, fuck it, kill it, eat it, shred it, bang on it, pluck it, yell at it, write a song about it, whatever it is, do it with the most PUMP FILLED RECKLESS PUMP ABANDON.

Coming up later this week maybe: a local shitty BBQ joint somehow redeems itself despite being out of pulled pork.

Monday, February 27, 2012

sausage journey

So I mention'd last week that we would be making sausages. And after finding out that our original meat grinder was missing a part, we ordered what we thought was the correct part, found out it wasn't, and then finally just purchased a new goddamn meat grinder.

Instead of SAUSAGING IT UP ON SUNDAY, we sausaged it up on Wednesday night. Four and a half hours later, we had like 25 sausages!

Allow me to walk you though this picture-filled narrative of our Sausage Journey.

We started out with about 6.5 lbs of pork butt, which is actually pork shoulder. Pretty lean, pretty awesome. Notice the delicate fingers of Heckyeahwoman HOLDING THAT MEAT IN PLACE while she cuts it up into easily grindable chunks.
















TIME FOR THE MEAT GRINDER








LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKING MEAT!!!













OK, so you've got over six pounds of meat all ground up, what do you do with it?

Well, you run it through that grinder one more time! WTF were you thinking?

Before we started, both of us were well aware that this was gonna be a two-person job. Enough thanks can't be given to Orange Guy for keeping his watchful eye on us, while kindly staying out of the way.





















Take a look at a bowl of pork butt, all ground up. Note that the photo immediately below is actually from the batch we made with jalapenos and cheese. Yes, you read that right; we made brats with jalapenos and cheese.





















I don't remember exactly when, but all of a sudden, while either grinding or stuffing, Heckyeahwoman exclaimed while pointing at me: "YOU'VE GOT MEAT ON YOUR FACE HAHAHA!"

Immediately below is a picture of that - the meat chunk is just to the right of my sideburn. Still not sure how it got there, but I'm pretty sure it was Heckyeahwoman-related.





MEATFACE










Looks like the meat grinder kinda scared somebody! But not enough for him to not sneak a peek of the SAUSAGE JOURNEY!


















We used actual condoms as the casings.


















Here's a better view of the tube-stuffing set up.

















HOT CHICK WITH A COUPLE HANDFULS OF MEAT!

















Heckyeahwoman was exhausted after a marathon meat-making Sausage Journey.

The fruits of our labor, immediately below. Notice the jalapeno & cheese stuffed brats in the mix too.


















DAAWWWWW


Did all that on Wednesday.

Got home from work, washed my face, brushed my teeth, AND STARTED MAKING SAUSAGE. Literally from like 6:15ish to like 10:30, we were on a Sausage Journey! Totally forgot to watch Whitney and Burn Notice!

Rest assured that we will keep you posted on future Sausage Journeys.

Friday, February 24, 2012

weirdo in the bathroom

Wow, so last Saturday night Heckyeahwoman and I were out to eat at a fancy restaurant (actually a bar lol) and I had a serious case of HolyFuckINeed2Pee.

Entering the bathroom, I saw something strange: one dude urinating at the urinal and another dude urinating in the stall. The dude washing his hands is irrelevant.

Now that's not weird. But the bathroom is really small and there really only is one (1) urinal and one (1) stall. Totally cramped to get three dudes in there.

But the strange thing was the way the dude in the stall was standing, like totally trying to block from view his pathetic dong.

See the picture below for a digital illustration.















Now I've def peed much closer to dudes before - at parks, in troughs, at urinals, truck stops; you name it, I've peed next to a dude there. But the thing is, very rarely are there creepers trying to catch a glimpse of my shriveled tool. Aside from the sporadic tug n chug, it's just peeing.

So why this guy was so weird about it is anyone's guess.

But SRSLY, what a jerk. I bet he's a real uptight asshole at home.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: I WAS WRONG

This could be a heck yeah, man first here: I'm going to come right out and admit that I was wrong.

Straight up, when I was a sophomore in high school, I loved punk rock, still do. But I absolutely hated hardcore and heavy metal, any music with any yelling or screaming or anything. Obviously that's changed.

I remember my friend buying the classic Gorilla Biscuits Start Today album. And I remember hating it. I just thought the screaming and yelling was so stupid. As if the singers in punk bands like Strung Out or The Vandals were nailing operatic vocals on the reg lol.



But then something clicked, I don't know what happened and that song, and entire album, became a furious source of THE PUMP. Just like that, you got your boi listening to that angry music.

In fact just today I was running errands, PUMPING this album, being PUMPED UP, fingerpointing while driving around and screaming along with the window kinda rolled down.

Heck yeah.

And then right as I was coming around to Gorilla Biscuits and yelling, I saw this music video. Way more FURIOUS and ANGRY then GB ever were.



Like, what would my parents think?

But it's so awesome. Strife is so awesome. That breakdown gets me just as PUMPED RIGHT NOW AS I SIT ON THE COUCH AND TYPE THIS AS IT DID WHEN I FIRST HEARD IT OVER 15 YEARS AGO.

And like many things I believed when I was 15, I was wrong. But sometimes you just gotta be a man and look past the naivete of your youth.

One more thing, because it's HUMP DAY and WE ARE SOOOOO PUMPED UP, here is DEADGUY covering the MISFITS:



HOW ARE YOU NOT SHAKING RIGHT NOW!?!?!?!

*BONUS PUMP: As you read this, or maybe a couple hours after you read this, there's a very good chance I am elbow deep in some serious sausage making. That's not innuendo, like sausage-making for real. Pictures and a narrative will of course be coming.

Monday, February 20, 2012

observations from the krog

Every Sunday I go grocery shopping at the Kroger just down the road. And every Sunday I observe something kind of messed up there. And unlike every Sunday, I actually remembered to write it down, to share with you, kind reader.

So, here are four totally true observations from yesterday.

1. Oh wow, the bagger/employee that is there every Sunday got a great new hairstyle! Great highlights!

Wait a minute; that's a not really nice highlight job on your hair.

That's actually your scalp showing through your thin hair, giving the illusion of blond highlights, contrasting with your dyed red hair.

:(

2. Dawg, your girl is obviously out of your league. I honestly have no idea why you are yelling at her like that in public. Ok, maybe he wasn't yelling, cause if that was the case I woulda had to ask him to use his inside voice.

But like, when you're that much of a pud, no matter what your hot girlfriend does to you, it probably doesn't require a forceful, angry conversation like that.

Wait, unless she was the one who...

3. Filled the shopping cart with at least 12 Campbell's Chunky soups. No kidding, there were a shitload of huge cans of Campbell's Chunky soups. Totally took me aback.

I mean, the cart was left kind of unattended, in the vicinity of the arguing couple, so I assumed it was theirs. Unless it belongs to the portly fellow immediately below.

4. A shopper was checking out the baked goods. Not really groundbreaking, but seeing a tubby nerd eyeballing the red velvet cake was worth quite a chuckle to myself. Sometimes it's the simple things.

Other things of note from the weekend: I got a fantastic haircut; seriously, I'm PUMPED. This is what my hair looks like in my dreams at night. BOOM. In fact I left the salon looking so awesome with my hair styled so tight that you know I had to skip the gym and get out in public to be seen.

Also Heckyeahwoman and I were planning on making brats and sausage on Sunday, but our meat grinder was missing a part. Total bummer cause we bought over 6 lbs of pork to grind and make into tastiness. No worries though, the part has been ordered and we are tentatively planning to bust this shit out on HUMP DAY evening. Smell me.

My dad and stepmom sent us a package with like six (6) bottles of delicious wine, so I had to run to FedEx to pick that spit up. And on my way I ran into a homeboy from work. But the wine is really awesome.

Overall, a nice little weekend.

Friday, February 17, 2012

black history month '12

Wow, over halfway into February, and I failed to properly celebrate Black History Month. Horrible.

Anyway, making up for my lack of festive posting, a lady at work has a homemade black history month poster on her cube wall. And by poster, I mean a black, green, and red magic-markered piece of white 8.5 x 11 paper. I will strive for that kind of jubilance in the future.

And since I've noticed, she's had two different informative printouts right next to the poster. One of them was an article about a civil rights activist whose name escapes me. The other is of course an obituary for the late, great junky, Whitney Houston.

Like, black history month is pretty stupid. But I think white history month would be pretty stupid too (haha jk it would totes rule) - same with any other color history month.

Why can't the hatemongers behind diversity and color-history month do something sweet? Something that would unite the youth of all races and cultures? Something that would transcend religious and regional differences?

Instead of using race as a tool to create a fissure between all of us, I think we should just scrap the race stuff, and get to what's really important, what the people really want.

Here's what I'm proposing, and I've got a couple ideas:

National Fuck Going to Work Today Month - I don't know anybody who wouldn't be 100% behind this. 'Cept maybe for a couple weirdos, but honestly, ferk them anyway.
Orange Guy is Awesome Month - If you don't think Orange Guy is awesome, I hate you. You'd have to be a real stick in the mud to not be PUMPED about our orange little cat-son.
Tell a Family Member You Hate Them Month - C'mon, this would be awesome. I mean, I don't hate my family, but it would be so awesome to see you tell your aunt that you hate her for no reason.
Sleep With a Family Member Month - Wait what? No, hear me out here: what about your hot second-or-step cousin. Or hell, if you're feeling frisky, your hot cousin that lives across the country that you never see? Don't let tradition stop you from following your heart.
Dude I'm Not Fucking Gay Because I Really Like Maroon 5 and Even if I Were, it Wouldn't Matter Month - Cause I would love my own month.

Any of those would be way better and less divisive. Plus, fuck going to work today for real.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: JULIET

I don't have much to say other than I hate kids, I hate your kids, I hate the kids my parents had, and I will probably hate my own kids.

BUT

I would be PUMPED if my own future child could do something this awesome. I would be so PUMPED.





The part with the stuffed animals on the trampoline gets me every time.

LET'S OPEN UP THIS PIT!!!

*PUMP!!!

Yeah yeah, this vid is a month old or so. Truth is, with Valentine's Day just around the corner, and lots of partying to be done, we're going to have to live off a little less PUMP this week. Think of it as PUMP-FASTING this week to gorge ourselves next week.

Monday, February 13, 2012

weekend wrap up

This weekend was relatively uneventful. Nothing too crazy, though we did go see our friend's band play in a coffee shop. They were delightfully folksy and sounded right at home there. Great time.

And their set included a Maroon 5 cover. Impossible to go wrong with that.

Then afterwards, I crushed 10 wings and some fried mushrooms while Heckyeahwoman struggled with her delicious burger.

But besides the great tunes, the real highlight of the night came for me about midway through the second set.

I think it was during an Indigo Girls jam when I got up to take a leak. Just a leak, man, didn't expect to have my mind blown.

And I totes don't mean by someone leaving an unflushed wicked brown coil in the terlet. Nah, it actually has to do with the opposite: cleanliness and proper hygiene. Cause if you know me at all, you know I hate filthy, worthless, dirty shitheads. And the only thing that PUMPS me up more than people exercising and eating healthy...is people being clean.

So yeah, the bathroom, right next to the soap dispenser was a printed-out sign instructing each bathroom patron how to master the fine art of hand-washing.

Since my iPhone first gen first won't let me post pictures online, you will have to settle for an approximate recreation of the sign; my commentary is in italics:

WASHING YOUR HANDS furiously bolded and super underlined for emphasis

1. Use water as hot as you can stand or at least 100 degrees. Yeah, it says 100 degrees, but it's pretty obvious the author means scalding.
2. Soap hands and lower forearms. Don't forget the lower forearms!
3. Scrub for 10-15 seconds. No wet n rinse bullshit here.
4. Rinse. Yeah, rinse your hands, you assholes.
5. Dry with paper towel. And DO NOT recycle it.
6. Avoid re-contamination of hands by using paper towel or other barrier to turn off faucet handles. LOVE THIS!

Read it. Savor it.

Complete directions on how to wash your hands, unbelievable. I just love number 6, I do that all the time, but more so when opening the bathroom door to exit.

Now I'm not sure if that particular establishment is really that serious about cleanliness, or if they just think that little of their customers. Either way, it's hard not to support both schools of thought here.

Sunday was pretty standard: exercise, clean/laundry/get loaded. Worth noting though is this chick at the gym. I'd say I've been seeing her at least a couple times a week over the last year or so. And she's gained weight.

Yeah, I know right. Like, she used to be in relatively decent shape, but now she's totally rocking the spare tire. What the hell is wrong with you? How do you exercise semi-regularly and still get fatter?

If I was a lesser man, I'd tell her to her face what a fucking epic fail that is.

If I was a lesser man, I wouldn't have kicked our three-legged cat right in the gut only once.

Friday, February 10, 2012

the end is near

We've all seen movies, read books (ha maybe not), or probably even had dreams about a future reality where that particular reality comes in usually one or two different versions.

The first has everything run by robots, technology is futuristic, or very advanced, and life is wonderful: nobody has to really think or make choices, they just "do", or live. Entertainment is ultraviolent, like Romans watching lions tear apart living people. Movies like I-Robot, Running Man, and Minority Report come to mind.

The other is a not so wonderful, dystopian type of reality, where future reality is literally a fight for survival. A case where our own technological ambitions wind up leading us into near oblivion. Movies like I Am Legend and The Road come to mind.

Anyway, the movies themselves are not important, what I'm talking about is the idea of either of those future realities.

Sometimes when watching TV, I'll just get a flash of a sick combination of those future realities. A feeling like, "what the fuck am I seeing, where is humanity heading? What the fuck is wrong with people?"

Take for example an ad I just saw for an upcoming MMA fight, featuring clips and stills of two dudes destroying each other. Is this really what our entertainment has devolved into? Watching two grown men, with no better reason than money, pound each other's brains into shit?

Somebody thought this would appeal to the masses. And they were right! It totally appeals to the masses! That's fucked up.

What about the NFL? Will it turn into flag football as it fades into obscurity, while an upstart football league puts on Sunday afternoon highlight reels of dudes taking cleats to their helmet-less heads, and passes that off as football games?

Are we that intellectually deficient that this is what most people would consider a great Saturday night?

I don't know, insane ultraviolence for the sake of money, or more ultraviolence, just seems kind of crazy. And where does it end? In twenty years, will we be regressing into literally throwing a bound man into a ring with a starved homeless bum savage, for Saturday night entertainment?

Maybe fans of MMA are mostly comprised of the typical slovenly, lazy masses that never had a chance to kick someone's ass in high school, and just want a violent, adrenaline-rush escape from their cubicle-based existence. I don't know. But there's no question that pro-MMA fighters are fantastic athletes in peak shape. Why squander that on violence for entertainment?

I'd honestly rather see a serious athlete get sponsored to do something unviolently crazy. Like, I'd totally watch a live stream of someone climbing Mt. Everest and then tumbling/bouncing/kinda rolling all the way down to his or her death.

Bottom line: I hate most people and would love to see many regions of the world extirpated, but I'm super worried about what it would say about me if I was super PUMPED about paying a one time fee of $19.95 plus tax for a live stream of it.

Maybe I'm just a huge pussy. Haha yeah right.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: SUPER BOWL

The Super Bowl is over.

The Giants are champions - that's great. Congrats to them.

It was fun and all, but what did we do after the Super Bowl?

We obviously watched the season premier of The Voice!




Ok, that commercial is pretty stupid. And I was actually so loaded that I don't even remember anything from the show.

But I do remember one thing, what we did during the show. We breaded our three-legged stupid cat!

Wait, what? You what'd your three-legged stupid cat?

We BREADED her!




















See how PUMPED little dumb Meow Meow looks as we put the bread on her.

Clearly that is too cute not to do to our one and a half year old son, Orange Guy. So we breaded him furiously too!




















He's just loving the breading-action.

Almost as much as we love it. And because we're not savages, we used a very delicious asiago-cheese-peppercorn fancy bread. Only the best for our cat-people-children.

Right when you think things in your life are getting crappy, just remember that you're probably not a cat, and probably not getting breaded by your parents.

Who knows, maybe you are. Either way, you should be PUMPED about it.

Monday, February 6, 2012

cruise vacation!

How about that nice little weekend. It was over before it began. Probably felt that way because I went in on Saturday.

Keeping with the work theme, lettuce jump right into it.

I'm so sorry for these conversation-themed posts, but I've been either making stuff up, or hearing just the funniest snippets. And they're making me chuckle. And I'm all about me right now. Right meow.

So there I was at work, finding myself accidentally tuning into a conversation a couple cubes down. Turns out a lady had just gone on a cruise, and she was telling a fellow co-worker about it. I silently joined probably midway through, right when I heard someone ask about the average age of the cruise-goers.

Even kind of stranger, was the answer: lightly stifled laughter.

...followed by an awkward silence.

And then her final answer, an unconvincing "it was nice".

Jumping right to the moneyshot question, the kind listener probes her deeply: "would you do it again?"

"the pause 2"

And you can't have a moneyshot question without a moneyshot answer: "I'm not sure."

HAHAHAHAHA OWNED

Friday, February 3, 2012

the case for lower urinals

While peeing at work the other day, standing up, I had a startling realization: the average setting height of urinals should be universally lowered to that of a standard child's urinal.

Sounds weird right? Yeah, but the two urinals in each (men's) bathroom at work are at different heights and I always find myself using the lower one. Below you'll find solid, if not childish reasoning why there should be a federal mandate (man-date) for lower urinals.

The splish-splash factor.

I walk away from the lower urinals with a lot less pee-splash on my hands than I do when I pee at the higher urinals. Physics tells you that there's gonna be splash no matter what the height of the urinal is. And with the lower height, more splash goes onto my pants. And that's where we want it.

Now that may not seem like a good thing, more pee splashing on the pants. But dude, I eat with my hands. Totally can't remember the last time I ate with my pants. Even worse, with all the gross weirdos that pee at work, molecules of their pee are also being splashed back onto me as my Adonis-like stream of liquid gold urine ricochets off the urinal and agitates the pee-particles of others right up into the world and onto me and mine. Would you rather have my pee on your hands or your pants?

Bottom line, the higher urinal splashes more urine per second, onto greater heights, than the lower one. And with the amount of simian troglodyte fucks that somehow manage to actively refrain from washing their hands, we need to help them keep as much excrement off their hands as we can. Cause those assholes are always touching stuff.

And of course we can't neglect the cliche "I need more room for my dong" argument.

Viva la lower urinal terlets!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: SHOPPING!

Dog.

Listen.

We're serious here. Seriously ready to get PUMPED. It's early February and the weather has been WARM AS FUCK. Like it's colder laying in my bed than it is outside. Wrap your head around that. Or don't, because our landlord controls the thermostat and doesn't believe in heat.

Global warming may be a hoax, but it's here and hitting hard this winter - super warm, hardly any snow, hatred simmering below the surface everywhere you look.

But check this out, ferk the weather, we're talking about shopping here.

I love shopping and I love buying stuff. Heckyeahwoman would gladly skip the shopping part if she could fast forward to the buying stuff part.

That's not the point, the point is that this has been good last couple of days, shopping-wise. On Saturday, I bought a computer (scroll down a post to get the low down on that). But not just that, I bought my first laptop. I am now posting from it. In fact, Monday's post about my new laptop is my first post with the new laptop.

METAPUMP

No more banging on my keyboard because my shitty adapter isn't catching the landlord's wifi signal. No more constant crashing, just NONSTOP STREAMING PORN IN HD MOTHERFUCKERS (sorry mom).

What, just cause I maxed out my credit card last weekend doesn't mean I'm gonna stop SPENDIN' SPENDIN' SPENDIN'! Nah, I've come too far to let up now. The PUMP is PUMPIN'.

The spendboner may be raging.

MOAR SHOPPING

Today we are heading to JC Penneys to hit up their new pricing structure. Yes, JCP is changing up their every day pricing - so that every item is at least 40% off. You may recall me noting that I CONSTANTLY RECEIVE COUPONS FROM the P.

Well that's going to come to an end in favor at least 40% off everything! YES! See, they recently got a new CEO, a dude from Apple and Target, and he's employing a new pricing structure to drum up more business. I can't say that I'm not PUMPED.

I can't say that you shouldn't be PUMPED.

New jeans, a sweet handkerchief, maybe a new bow tie or tie, maybe the illest wingtips ever, I don't even know, but I'm shopping furiously tonight after work.

And yo

YAO

You know we need that soundtrack to the SHOPOPPUNKPUMP



Too catchy for you, bros?

Get that melodic hardcore punk then, friends. And get PUMPED.

AND DON'T FORGET YOUR ROOTS!




PUMP! DON'T FORGET YOUR PUMP!

HUUUUMP DAY PUUUUMP UUUUUUHHHH UUUUHHH UUUPPP