Monday, January 30, 2012

computer shopping

So last week my desktop damn near died. You probably read about it on the HDPDown. If not, do it here.

Anyway, looking at the potentiality of owning my very first laptop, I wanted to go shopping to get a feel for what I could possibly be buying. And because I'm old. Don't worry, I did a bunch of research on the fancy internet so I had an idea of what I should be looking for.

What we'll be reading here next is a brief account of each of my excursions into the real world, into society, to physically check out some laptops. From the depressing lows of my first shopping jaunt, to the soaring highs of my final shopping escapade, come with me into the wicked underbelly of laptop sales at electronics stores.

Best Buy was the first place I hit. A pretty logical place to start, right? Yeah, I though so too. Then I entered the computer section. Nary a blue-polo'd nerd around. Toshibas, Dells, Sonys, Samsungs, oh my. After looking around longingly for an employee, I employed my next trick, sure to get the attention of the next portly internerd ready to sell me an e-machine: progressively typing on the keyboard louder and louder until I'm approached.

Sadly, and unsurprisingly, this didn't work. After looking around for about 20 mins, and with nobody to answer my questions, or SELL ME A FUCKING COMPUTER, I split. It was fucking raining out too, boo.

Over the weekend I had more time to get my notebook shop on.

Saturday afternoon I popped by OfficeMax. And I thought getting somebody to talk to me was tough at Best Buy - one must be careful what one wishes for. After a while of the same schtick I employed at Best Buy, I did find one employee. Who referred me to another employee. Who referred me to another employee.

An employee that turned out to be a little shithead punk that I wouldn't even buy a pack of gum from.

Long story short, I just wanted to check out a specific computer because it had a specific audio system that I wanted to hear, you know, see if it really did sound better than the typical laptop audio. AND THE MOTHERFUCKER TOLD ME HE COULDN'T SHOW ME BECAUSE THE COMPUTERS WERE ONLY ON DISPLAY TO SHOW CANNED, GENERIC DEMOS. Like, that special audio system, Beats Audio, is a major selling point of that multimedia-focused laptop!

After he informed me of the frustratingly funny news, I asked him if he was serious. An affirmative response prompted me to laugh and tell him that's awesome. Then it prompted me to head to Old Navy and buy a dope new shirt. #haha

NEXT.

I went back to Best Buy because as luck would have it, I overlooked a laptop on my first trip that I decided I needed to check out. Turns out, the highlight of that visit was actually in the musical instruments department. Yeah, your boi jumped on a $6600 drum kit and wailed away for a good 15 minutes lol. I'm outtie.

Third and final big-box electronic computer selling store: Office Depot! Yes. No. Wow. The parking lot was barren. Wasteland, dystopia, scary. Inside the store wasn't too much better. But the manager there was a good guy, and after talking to me for a few minutes, pointed me exactly to the two models that I wanted to check out. And holy shit were they on sale, a sale that ended that day. Ruh-Roh! #ClassicSalesTrickOfInstillingUrgency

Long story short, I got some more info, played around with them, went home and did a little more research to see which one would be better, made a decision, confirmed with Heckyeahwoman, creeped back to THE DEPOT, and bought a fuckin' laptop, dogs.

Lol, when I was checking out, the dude asked me if my wife gave me a limit, and I think he was surprised with my answer: "actually, she'll probably tell me that I should have spent more and bought more computer lol." AND Yeah, that lol was def in there, from one grown ass man to another.

But let's be real here - the only reason I wanted a laptop, besides Heckyeahwoman telling me repeatedly that I should buy one, is so I can go to a coffee shop and surf the interwebs just like all the cool people. #shaggyhair #doubleicedmochalatte'spresso

But what about the rest of the weekend? Ha, fuggit, I was laptoppin' from Saturday evening on. BOOM, I bet we can only imagine what this week's HDPU will be all about.

Friday, January 27, 2012

restaurant fantasy

I've seen countless married couples at restaurants and you have no idea how many times I've envisioned, no, fantasized about a conversation like this - me going up to their table and, well, opening a dialogue:

Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you - hope your meal was great, those ribs look like they were dynamite. (looking shyly at dude's female companion, almost whispering), hi sorry to intrude.

But sir, I've got to ask, you're totally married to her, right?

Yes, yes I am. That's my wife. Why do you ask?

I could just tell by that disinterested look on your face the entire time that she was talking to you, that you are married to her. That she's your wife. Enjoy the rest of your meal, cheers.

:/

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

HUMP DAY PUMP UP

Even though things in my life are generally looking up, it's nice to keep perspective. With that said, please allow me to rain on your parade with a couple wet, sloppy shits of typed-up bad news.

First, Prince Fielder just signed with the Detroit Tigers. Kinda good because he's out of the NL, and not really on a contender. But kinda bad because he showed that he really is a money hungry whoreslut. I hope he breaks vedge on a salmonella-tainted chicken wing.

OWNED.

Whatever though, the Tigers way overpaid for his services (sup, you think you're the Angels, bros?) - over $200 million for nine years. I'm not sure if the Tigers are blind, but someone that overweight should never be paid over $200 million for nine years to do anything that doesn't require a lot of sitting.

And we're still dealing with the fallout from the Ryan Braun alleged 'roid rage/herp-derp meds scandal.

On the plus side, the Brew Crew signed former Cubs player Aranus Ramirez. Note the spelling of the first name, non-sports fans; his name is Aramis. I made a funny haha.

Next, and way more importantly, my computer almost died. Like, I thought it was a goner. Then somehow I got home this evening, and here it is, working. Like nothing ever happened.

So now I'm in the market for a laptop. But not just any laptop. My brother got a new one that has HD and 3-D. It was sweet. I want one like that.

But at probably around $2,000, that probably won't happen, cause Heckyeahwoman immediately vetoed that idea. In fact, right after I asked her, I've never seen such a pretty face turn sour so fast. She didn't even have to speak and I knew I wasn't getting a sick 3-D, HD computer-machine-from-the-future.

PUMPDOWN, FRIENDS

To be fair, we both agreed that I would probably never use either of the 3-D or HD features cause I don't watch movies or game furiously on my laptop. Fuck you, sound logic and good judgement. For real, fuck you both and you better start leaving my wife alone.

And for some reason, my computer hates youtube vids, so when my buddy sent me a link to the following vid, and I opened it, my computer peculiarly crashed so hard like right away. Needless to say, I'm pretty pissed at my friend.



SO PISSED THAT I'M GOING TO JOIN HIM AND HIS WIFE AND MY WIFE AT THIS TASTY ETHIOPIAN RESTAURANT THAT WE'VE BEEN WANTING TO HIT. AND WE'LL PROBABLY HAVE A NICE DINNER.

Yeah pussies.

And cause you know we hate to end on a sour note:



OK and we're on a roll here:



Those last two videos were done by the dude who is responsible for this classic 90's album/song/band!



Sorry I jacked off outside your window!

Monday, January 23, 2012

lost on many

Banks, man. Corporations.

Yeah dude, the bad guys.

Hey man, I'm Brad, what's your name?

I'm Parker, nice to meet you Brad.

Man, lemme get a heater, I've been out here protesting all week and haven't been able to get to the 7-11.

No problem (handing the cigarette).

(lighting and taking a puff) Mmm, that's got a pretty good flavor, what is this, a Camel Light? I usually smoke Marb Lights.

Yeah, they were on sale at the BP, buy one get one.

Nice, may have to swing by later. Oh dude, I've got a cooler-full of High Lifes, let's go grab a couple.

Awesome! Did you get on their email list to get that $5-off coupon when you buy two cases?

Yeah! Sweet!

I got that too, but I'm out of cash and stupid Bank of America is gonna charge me $2.50 to use the ATM down the block! Can you believe they're going to charge me a nominal fee to conveniently access my money, rather than carrying my entire checking balance around with me wherever I go!?

Right. I'm with them too, do all my banking, my 401k retirement fund, my car loan, and they're trying to charge me ATM fees!

Crooks!

Criminals!

Dude let's check out the Honda booth and then walk over to get some free Red Bull samples at their table.

Fuck yeah.

Anyway, if you want a funny snapshot of that whole debacle, click here.

Friday, January 20, 2012

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! / regular post

Today is my dad's birthday. Please join me in wishing HeckyeahDad a happy birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! I hope you have a great day and "The Gift" should be arriving sometime today!

And with no association to my father's birthday today, please keep reading for the first ever HAHA YOU'RE DEAD!

We should first note that we hate to find joy in people dying (OK that's not totally true). Most of the people below had family that surely mourns their passing, with Amy Winehouse of course being the exception.

While we're not celebrating the death of the following people per se, we're celebrating the mourning of their adoring fans. We're celebrating idols when idols meet their mortality, and the ensuing, yet always laughable grief of their worshipers.

If you find being dead to be in poor taste, you might look elsewhere. You might also start trying to come to grips with it, because sooner or later you yourself are gonna be in poor taste, tasting poorly.

First up, we have a famous atheist that is famous for being an atheist, Christopher Hitchens. He is proof positive that boldly promoting your atheism, and then mentioning it again and again is a surefire way to be taken serious by people that fancy themselves intellectuals.

To be honest, I often confuse Mr. Hitchens with another famous atheist that is famous for being an atheist, Michael Shermer. And while I have met Mr. Shermer, even joked with him to the abject horror of my wife, well, that's about it really.

Considering his furious atheism, I find it kind of funny that as I type this up, I'm sitting here cursing the fact that I'm running dangerously low on whiskey: "goddamnit". Goddamnit, Mr. Hitchens, goddamnit indeed.

Also meeting her demise in the previous annum, my favorite junkie and yours, Amy Winehouse. As famous for her crappy music as for keeping the tabloids in business from 2007 - 2011 with her drinkin' and a-druggin' she met her END with booze and drugs, or maybe just booze. Or maybe a chainsaw to the face. #wishfulthinking

Check out this gem from E! Online:

British coroner Suzanne Greenway announced today that the 27-year-old suffered a "death by misadventure" on July 23, and that her passing was an "unintended consequence" of accidental alcohol poisoning.

Death by misadventure. Would love some clarification on that great new term.

I don't care, sometimes I thought she was kinda hot. And you know what else, Adele is way better at music, and if she (Adele) lost a little bit of weight, she'd be way hotter too. Until then, I gotta go with junkie chic over chubby redhead.

Apologies, this is about Amy Winehouse and celebrating her...dismemory? Unlegacy? Scraggly, floppy, dangly bananaboobies?

And the creme de la creme of deaths that are awesome because people sucked at the dong of the deceased in question: Steve Jobs.

The sheer fact that a book about Steve Jobs, his biography, can be found at Urban Outfitters is reason enough to celebrate. If you die, and your biography is on sale at Urban Outfitters for something crazy like $34.99, you fucking suck. End of story. If you are price gouging hipster dipshits even from the afterlife, I really - wait a minute, that's fucking awesome.

Steve Jobs, sorry you died, bro.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

HUMP DAY PUMP DOWN

THE BRONCOS LOST

THE PACKERS LOST

ELI MANNING LOOKS LIKE A SPOILED LITTLE SHIT

HUGE UNPUMP THIS WEEK :(

We'll be back on Friday with either a great story about the shitty movie we watched last weekend, a philosophiclol look at MMA, or maybe even the first ever entry into our soon-to-be-famous haha you're dead series.

Until then, just remember:



Friday, January 13, 2012

a brief exchange (for real)

Excuse me sir, do you know where da elevator at?

I'm sorry, what?

Da elevator, where it be at?

Oh haha, da elevator! There are some stairs right over here; (noticing an immediate frown) the elevator is actually not in this wing; here, I'll walk you over.

I'ma walk witchu den.

Yeah, walk with me, I'll show you where it is. Let me show you who I am.

Who?

Haha I was just kidding, here, there's the elevator, need help operating it?

Thanks!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: FOOTBALL

We all saw the EPIC football this past weekend. That said, I just have one thing to say.

HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU HINES WARD YOU DIRTY FUCK!

BOOM TIM TEBOW 80 YARDER TO DEMARYIUS THOMAS FOR THE WIN IN OT MFERS! (ALL CAPS ALL DAY)



Gotta be careful, I'm not looking to piss Ben Roethlisberger off too much. Gotta walk on glass around him. Just one little thing could set him off ON A FULL BLOWN SCUM-FRENZY IN THE GREATER SHITSBURGH AREA! PUMP!

Two things that are definitely not mutually exclusive here.

YOU'D THINK THAT 24 SECOND VIDEO IS ALL WE'D NEED TO SUFFICIENTLY PUMP US THROUGH THE REST OF THE WEEK, RIGHT? NAH NOT ON MY WATCH!

BACK TO THE PUMP!

OK AND BECAUSE TIM TEBOW IS EVERYTHING THAT IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD, WE GOT A REMIX OF ONE OF THE PUMPIEST SONGS OF ALL TIME - ABOUT, YEP, TIM TEBOW!





Last thing here!

..featuring TIM TEBOW! Nothing PUMPIER IN THE WORLD THAN SEEING A BUTCH LESBO AND AN ANDROGYNOUS PERSON GETTING THEIR PANTIES IN A BUNDLE OVER THE GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER TO WALK THE EARTH! AND THEN DIE, THEN RISE AGAIN LOL!

Yeah yeah, Rachel Maddow and any of her guests, easy target. Blah blah, I know, but the first 20 seconds are hilarious, when they have a near meltdown over Tim Tebow believing in something as silly as the Purple Unicorn under my porch. But what about his merit as a player?





"Tim Tebow doethn't make it the NFL; it'th becauthe he can't break a pane-glattthh window wifth a football". You're wrong! He does make it in the NFL, see that PLAYOFF GAME HE JUST WON YOU FUCKING PUSSIES! Most yards per completion ever! 125.something QB Rating!

Twinkie twink thinks he actually has about as much a chance as Tim Tebow starring as an NFL quarterback, an unbiathed view, jutht ath a thporth guy. Wait, guy? I thought he was a she!

See above, fruitloop!

The week is about half over. More football this weekend. And oh god a Packers game! I smell a SUPER PUMP coming next week. Unless of course if the Broncos and Packers both lose, we'll probably all kill ourselves TWICE AS HARD, CAUSE THAT'S HOW PUMPED WE GET!

Monday, January 9, 2012

overheard at the gym

Oh God, speaking of the gym, I recently overheard a pretty something depressing in the locker room.

"I just, you know, stayed home, did Christmas here, by myself."

Mere text can not express the longing for a family that was so audible in his voice.

It's been an eventful week at the gym with the recent mean mugger failure and then this. I can't wait to see what this week brings!

What to look for in the coming year: the Heckyeahs received a meat grinder and sausage maker for X-mas; I am fully planning on making sausages and brats and sausages and brats. Pretty sure that will be documented here.

Also, I just bought a sick pea coat at the the Gap for like 35 bones. Super PUMPED because I've wanted a pea coat for a long time.

bullshit gets up and walks around

Friday, January 6, 2012

mean mugger gone soft

A couple weeks ago we posted a little facebook status update that went a little something like this:

swarthy dude mean muggin' me from the comfort of his white 2007 toyota camry apreesh. #NicePumas,Bro #FamilySedansGoneWild

You remember that?

Probably not.

Anyway, the mean mugger was back in action the other day at the gym. Though this time he wasn't protected by the lush surroundings of his white 2007 Toyota Camry.

See, I was at one of the cable machines doing like my millionth fucking cable row when I see him walk up to the other cable and set up like a bar or something. He did a couple reps then went on his way.

Presumably to go raping.

Before long, I see him walking back to the cable with a dumbell full of weights, looks like homeboy gonna do some supersettin'. Righteous, bro.

Only before he could get back to his previously swarthed up cable machine, some little bearded, jewey lookin' twerp jumped out from nowhere and kifed the machine. Wow, just jumped right on it and went to town on his bis and tris. Blastin'.

Seeing this, I spun around right quick to get a front row eyeful of the ensuing confrontation.

Mean Mugger sees dude on his machine and just as innocently turns around and heads back off into the depths of the gym.

What a fucking pussy! He's going to hide behind a goddamn family sedan and mean mug at me ridin' dirty in my manly car, but the minute he's exposed and naked, he's turns into a giant VAG!

And speaking of exposed and naked - one time in the locker room he walked to the shower and back three (3) times, wearing - well, partly wearing - just a towel. Serial weirdo.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

HDPU: POLITICAL PUMP

What with the eve of the Iowa cockasses upon us, I thought it appropriate to whip out that always lovable, always reliable, POLITICAL PUMP!

Remember when the atheist messiah was elected president by something insane like 80-90% of African Americans?

Remember that?

Well as racist as those voters were then, there was a silver lining!

And it comes in the form of a huge POLITICAL PUMP:

Obama’s policies have been far worse for black people than Bush’s policies. Black unemployment in 2007 was just over 8%, yet under Obama unemployment in the black community has doubled. If anybody has a reason not to vote for Obama, it’s black people.

We hopin', we changin', we gettin' all kinds of PUMPED UP 'round here! What? As a white dude, you think that I'm going to be pissed about African-Americans installing media-approved (and sponsored), cultural, widespread racism on a huge level?

PUMP NO! You shoulda seen me back in '92 with my David Duke t-shirts!

Don't worry, we got A BIPARTISAN BUTT-PUMP RIGHT HERE! While Barry was doing his best George Dubya impression for four years, we got Rick "that fucked up, creepy face of mine is leading the I'm-a-goddamn-weirdo-charge" Sanitorum trying to capitalize on his fifteen minutes of fame as we're seeing him make one final, yet feeble, push for fourth place in Iowa.



Politics aside, there is something wrong with that weirdo.

You know we're not gonna do a POLITICAL PUMP without a plug for my man, Ron Paul! Many times Dr. Paul has been lauded for his loyal, deep following, with the pundits crediting his strong presence on social media sites.

Actual substance and integrity aside, the picture below demonstrates the good doctor taking that extra step, to really reach out to that 80-90% of a certain demographic, through no fault of his own, that he just couldn't reach last time around.

The following picture shows him really appealing to the academic-elite progressive crowd that hates nothing more than their fellow crackers. Next thing you know homeboy might be sportin' a huge "D" pin on his lapel.






















Hey PUMP YOU, I'm all about SELLING OUT IN THE NAME OF THE PUMP!

Listen, while yeah, your vote doesn't mean shit, if you live in Iowa, and I'm sorry if you do, still go out and vote. Feel better about yourself. Pretend that you made a difference.

But if you're gonna vote for anybody but Ron Paul, maybe actually just stay home ;)

Monday, January 2, 2012

great commentary

Yeah so I hope everybody had a great NYE with plenty of the three b's: blow, bitches, and buffalo wings.

Some of you don't know me in real life, so you'd probably be surprised to learn that I'm a pretty timid dipshit that is pretty much afraid of his own shadow. Surely you can imagine my terror when I learn't that our plans consisted of going out for dinner at an Indian restaurant with our good friends, and then heading back to their crib for a crazy NYE party.

See, no matter how much I love it, Indian food usually gives me insane 'rrhea, and I am very nervous about FUCKING SHITTING anywhere other than my own toilet.

As luck would have it, I ate a sensible amount of my moderately spicy dish, had leftovers, and was able to enjoy the rest of the night in furious HYM fashion (titties, whiskey, drugs, etc.), sans the usual scorched-porcelain/anus-excretions.

We'll have more holiday stories later, but for now, lettuce turn our attention to a recent comment on one of my older posts.

Christ, back in October, I posted a few generalizations about various fans of certain authors and other things. Imagine the smile on my face when I see, a couple months later, my friend *** dropping some knowledge in the comments section.

Read on, friends:

Anonymous said...

some facts about jack kerouac. he died at 47 BECAUSE HE WAS SO FUCKING DRUNK ALL THE FUCKING TIME. he also did shit tons of drugs. he wrote "on the road" on one giant roll of paper in three weeks. in on the road when theyre in mexico they totally take over a whorehouse for an afternoon, smoking a joint so big its rolled in a BROWN PAPER BAG. in desolation angels he writes about fucking the shit out of a 14yrold hoer and then covering his junk in magical anti-skank creme so his wang doesnt fall off. and so on, and so forth. anyway, pretty good reads overall.

kurt vonnegut is too optimistic/humanitarian by far, but that doesn't mean you cant enjoy, for instance, time travel, aliens, and PTSD in "slaughterhouse five" or various doomsday scenarios like ice-9 and the the remnants of humanity evolving into flatulent seal-like creatures. or how about (from wikipedia entry on breakfast of champions): "Dwayne reads the novel, which purports to be a message from the Creator of the Universe explaining that the reader - in this case Dwayne - is the only individual in the universe with free will. Everyone else is a robot. Dwayne believes the novel to be factual and immediately goes on a violent rampage, severely beating his son, his lover, and nine other people before being taken into custody." best if read before age 16 (which is invariably the case).

palahniuk: is a douche, mental masturbation for 15yrold boys. "i hate my dad, the modern world is really getting me down, im so edgy that high school kids might punch each other or put their asshole on pool filters or whatever the fuck"

network tv: waste of life, try sleeping, fucking, or playing russian roulette as a solo drinking game instead of watching anything on tv.

woohoo im commenting, look at me go!!!


Considering the expertise *** displayed in the area now known as "douchey authors", I have turned over the password to this blog and he will now be fully responsible for carrying on the fine literary tradition at HYM.