Friday, December 30, 2011

top 7 of 2011

OK it was a shitty year in music so we're only going to have like a top 7! For now. This number could change because I'm literally scouring the internet for anything that may have come out Linkthis year that I maybe listened to.

Sometimes I think I'm getting too old to listen to music.

First, we'll give an honorable mention to The Warriors for putting out See How You Are. I didn't even listen to that album at all. But I did listen to Beyond the Music, one of their last ones, a shitload and that album is awesome. Totally been meaning to check out their latest lol.

Second honorable mention goes to Chamberlain, easily one of my all time favorite bands. And one of the all time best bands ever, and that's a fact. They put out a seven inch this year or last, and I think it featured a couple new songs. After singer David Moore dabbled in VH1 style adult contemporary, which was surprisingly good, he decided to reform Chamberlain - wise move. The band is packed with talented musicians and David Moore's singing is top notch, but his lyrics are just fantastic. Wow.

Shit and I just forgot, one of my friends put out a new album with his band, Cutman. I haven't heard the entire thing, but they dropped a new song a couple months ago, and it was dope. Burly post hardcore Gainesville punk rock bearded-sounding awesome. Sick drumming, bros.

Top 7 or so of 2011:

7. Hate Eternal - Phoenix Amongst the Ashes

This is an album that I listened to a lot, but couldn't really pick out a song from this album, verses any of their other albums. But I think that's more a product of the CONSTANT FUCKING UNRELENTING BLASTING AND BRUTALITY. When Haunting Abound came out six months ago, I was all kinds of amped - it smoked. Then the album came out, I downloaded, enjoyed, but haven't really thought much else about it. In fact, I picked up their earlier album, used, The Fury & The Flames, which has just a crushing production.

7. Exhumed - All Guts, No Glory

Another album I've spent a lot of time with, but haven't really digested. When I put it on at work, my output goes way up. So I guess this album makes the cut purely because I listened to it more than others lol. I'm not a huge goregrind/deathgrind fan, but as a fan of heavy metal in general, it's hard not to like this gem.

7. Woe – Quietly, Undramatically remix

Again, this came out in 2010, but got a sweet remix in 2011, so we're counting it! Angry, vicious black metal with fantastic musicianship, a furious punk rock edge and beautiful cover art. The title track is one of the best songs I've heard all year; it is a perfect summation of all the greatness contained within. And speaking of the title, there is nothing quiet or undramatic about how awesome this album is. If you're not all that familiar with black metal, much like myself, this is about as good a place to start as any.

6. Terror – Keepers of the Faith

OK, this actually came out in late 2010, but they re-released it last month. So considering the shitty year in music, this counts as a 2011 release! You probably already know who Terror is, and after their last album, you may have written them off as a once great band that devolved into fast, thrashy hardcore with the angriest vocals ever. Turns out, you'd be right and wrong. Frontman Scott Vogel presents a bunch more super-pissed songs that PUMP ME UP SO FURIOUSLY. While the last album had more filler, this album just cranks up the rage for each song, leaving you with one, maybe two actual filler songs. Songs like Stick Tight, Return to Strength and The Struggle were written for the pit. And check the old school punk rock vibe I get on You're Caught. I think they switched guitar players since the last album, and while dude is still cranking out the thrashy riffs, these tend to be more memorable, in turn really helping the songs stick in your head. PISSED.

5. Adele – 21

Adele, your pretty face don't match those nasty ass fake fingernails you sometimes sport. My attention was caught by Rolling in the Deep, and the rest is history. She put together a fantastic album of, I don't know, soul-pop? But not that Amy Winehouse shit, nah, Adele can actually sing. And she does. And then she does some more. You've heard her radio hits and you can rest assured that the rest of the album is equally as fantastic. A very mellow cover of The Cure's Lovesong was a nice touch. Lol at the bonus "live" Someone Like You track that sounds EXACTLY like the album cut.

4. Screeching Weasel - First World Manifesto

Ben Weasel punched a chick. And SW put out their first new album in a bunch of years. And not surprisingly, it sounds just like a Screeching Weasel album, which, just in case you're wondering, is a good thing. Mr. Weasel hasn't lost a beat, or a boxing match, and cranks out the Ramonesy pop punk tunes just the way we want him to. You know, I've always liked Ben Weasel; dude writes a catchy ass song, he's witty as hell and never really gives a crap what anybody else thinks. And if he keeps putting out fantastic albums like this, he can beat on all the slores he wants.

3. Strung Out - Top Contenders

Strung Out can do no wrong. They put out a "best of" album this year, and as expected, every song is great. But they went a little further - they remixed each of the songs. And they sound awesome. Fucking awesome. Even included are a couple (three) new songs, that sound just like they were cut during the Agents of the Underground sessions - poppier and more melodic. The song selection is pretty good, with the playlist reading like a live set list. Of course when you've been a band for 20 years or something, your greatest hits isn't going to please everybody. You know you didn't even have to ask: they kick things off with Firecracker and end it with Matchbox. Great songs, great band - one of my all time favorites.

2. Trapped Under Ice - Big Kiss Goodnight

This album smokes. Easily the hardest thing I've heard all year. If you have any interest in modern hardcore and wore out your Terror records, TUI is the band you need to hear. Building on their NYHC-by-way-of-Baltimore sound, they've added progressive flourishes without being, well, pussy. Clean vocals find their way into a few songs, but we're not talking arena-rock choruses, nah, just enough to remind you of the dude from Leeway, then they get back to the beatdown. They lyrics are surprisingly introspective, while still retaining their trademark tough as nails aesthetic. Very few bands make such hard music so catchy. Get this now.

1. Mariachi el Bronx - II

This is a mariachi album. As far as I know, it's traditional mariachi music. See, The Bronx is a punk band from LA that decided to complement their live sets with acoustic sets. But they thought that was boring, so they did mariachi sets instead. I guess the response was positive enough for them to put out an entire Mariachi album. Then they put out this one. Having never listened to mariachi music before, I was quite taken aback by how catchy and awesome this is. They obviously incorporate the pop sensibilities from their main band, and I think that's what really makes this a winner. Each song by itself is great; in the context of an entire album, this could be the soundtrack to a Quentin Tarantino film. Fantastic all around.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

POST HOLIDAY PUMP

Well I don't know where you are, but I'm just arriving back into town after an insane holiday week and a half.

Coming up on Friday, we've got my favorite albums of 2011!

I think it fitting that we should load up the last HUMP DAY PUMP UP of 2011 with some of THE PUMPIEST JAMS FROM THIS YEAR. Well, not from just this year, just the tunes that PUMPED ME UP THE MOST.

Let's kick things off with the officially PUMPIEST and MOST TIMES PUMPED vid on this blog. We have been jocking The Promise's My True Love literally for years now.

And for good reason.

Who doesn't love to listen to a grown man yell about his true love? Even if it is a funny subculture dedicated to not drinking, not drugging and not having promiscuous sex UNPUMP :(




Words can not describe how furiously I living room mosh when Heckyeahwoman isn't home!

Not down for some good old fashioned hardcore? Picture this:

Super handsome dude walking down the aisle, about to sign his live over to a hot chick ten times smarter than he. Imagine, no, SAVOR, the look on this gentleman's very soon to be mother in law's face when THIS SONG STARTS UP!



Not only is this a ridiculous song, but it was the last thing I heard before I lost my ability to plow all the bitches' bowels. Seriously, I was so PUMPED while this song was playing, it was all a blur thecokehelpedtoo.

This next jam, if you don't know this riff, get outta here. Second straightedge anthem out of three? Hmmmm...is somebody making a serious lifestyle change for 2012?




FUCK NO, I love to be PUMPED and some of the PUMPIEST bands get their PUMPS from not being PUMPED about things that other people are SUPER TOO PUMPED for. You follow that?

If you look me in the eye and honestly tell me that a chubby, down-syndrome looking Karl Buechner screaming, "STREET BY STREET, BLOCK BY BLOCK, TAKING IT ALL BAAAAAACK....A FIRESTORM TO PURIFY!" doesn't PUMP YOU UP, you can look forward to a relatively PUMP-FREE 2012.

Remember, on Friday, my favorite albums of 2011! Don't sleep, twinks!

Monday, December 26, 2011

happy holidays :(

Hey I hope everybody had a great and safe holiday. And that continues (but abruptly ends) going into the new year.

Hopefully some of you even got to nail your hot second cousin.

We got a SUPER PUMPY YULETIDE HDPU coming up on HUMP DAY, then on Friday we'll have the annual top ten (or seven, this shitty year) albums of the year. Actually, I can't even promise seven.

But for now here's just a little peek into the heckyeah's personal lives; this is kind of what our holiday looks like:


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

HOLIDAYPUMP

The holidays are upon us!

And that means holiday music!

NO doubt the best holiday song I've ever heard. And it's not even the full version!




And speaking of holiday music, HOLIDAYBONER ALERT!

Yeah yeah, she married Nick "the shrimp" Cannon, but still. Mariah is like 65+ and still hot!






















OH SANTA!






















YYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Real quick little PUMP with my boiz, WHAM!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

holiday party etiquette, a guide

Hey fine folks out there looking to get your party on this holiday season! We here at hym have (quickly) thrown together a guide to holiday party etiquette with this handy little DOs and DON'Ts of Holiday Party Etiquette.

Read on:

DO act morbid. Constantly talking about death, dying and injury lets other party-goers know that you’ve not merely accepted your fate, but you embrace it. And you’re more mature/manly/humpable because of it. Sharing just the simple fact that once you are born, you spend the rest of your meaningless existence dying will increase the holiday cheer because people will hopefully begin to realize how fragile life truly is.

And that this could possibly be the last holiday party of their life. El tiempo es ahora para bonin', chica.

DO talk about politics and religion. Often times holiday parties are filled fulla people from various groups and backgrounds, with the only thing in common being maybe a tangential relationship to the host. How are you supposed to know what interests and conversations each party-goer favors?

By bringing up subjects on which everybody has an opinion! Plus if you’re single and looking to nail a chick, very few things soothe a slore’s emotions like you agreeing with her feminazi bullshit. Yeah, you may piss some people off by boldly bringing up traditionally taboo conversations, but, well, fuck their holiday party experience anyway.

DON’T blindly sample the various foods, especially if it’s a potluck style party. Make sure you know who brought what. You may not know each person, how they live, or how they prepare their food, those unclean fucks. ‘Course once you ascertain that the devil eggs were made with the unsoiled hands of a clean-living angel, hit them with the ferocity of a feral cat in heat.

But check this, by knowing that the smokin’ redhead in the corner brought the meatloaf bites, you now have the ammo you need to try to get in her pants. And trust me, bitches love to be told how great their cooking is.

Since we’re talking about food, it should go without saying to mind your teeth and breath.

DON’T arrive empty-handed. Because you better goddamn not be leaving empty-handed. If you show up with nothing and leave with a couple bottles of liquor, or somebody else’s jacket, purse, wallet, casserole dish, or even a corpse, karma is gonna punish your cheap ass.

Do the right thing; bring a bottle of wine or alcohol, some food, flowers or some shit. Think of it like a token offering to the gods, for your merry holiday plunder. Tis the season of giving!

...however voluntary or involuntary.

DON’T leave without taking a sloppy, messy, wet shit. The idea here is stealth; you don’t want people to know what kind of horrors you’re committing until afterward. Diligently cover up the stink or the smell, and of course the sounds, by sneaking into a master bath or an upstairs bathroom. Remember, you don’t ever want to be that guy. Unless you like chicks being repulsed by you.

If leaving the party solo, this is a great parting gift to the shitty hosts who managed to provide food, drink, crappy music, mostly good times, but no poon. Fuck them. And fuck their gross, soggy, homemade cheesecake.

And finally, DO always thank the hosts for a great time. C’mon, we’re not savages or animals here.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: BLASPHEMY PUMP

The HATEPUMP continues with a super BLASPHEMOUS PUMP! Tis the season!

Bringing you this week's YULETIDE PUMPJAMS are Norway's most evil band, Gorgoroth.

Check out the former lead singer (hint: keep this image out of your head while masturbating).




















And this is the same dude with his manboy-lover.

















CRANK UP this BRUTAL pre-holiday BLASPHEMY PUMP! Warning, the video is kind of graphic and bloody, and there may or may not be boobies(!), however blood covered, and maybe a goat head on a stick.



Sweet video, eh? But SRSLY, how PUMPED are you?

You ever thought about writing a song called "Procreating Satan"? Yeah, me neither. But someone else did and it's evil and awesome and posted right below to ramp up that BLASPHOPUMP!




You not into dudes yelling and screeching, set to music? Listen as the interviewer asks Gaahl about his primary ideology that fuels Gorgoroth's music?

Wait for it!




SATANPUMP!

Ever seen a dude ponder so thoughtfully, answer, then casually sip his wine? Didn't think so!

Let your PUMP guide you through these chaotic holiday times into an inner chill like our man Gaahl. Become at one with your PUMP.

Monday, December 12, 2011

sorry mom

Wow, I feel like I may have posted this already, but we hain't got time to check.

Just wanted to send out a quick apology to my mother.

See, when my brother and I were growing up, my mom would always yell at us for peeing all around and all over the toilet. Naturally I thought it was my brother, and he probably thought it was me. My parents are divorced, so I wouldn't be shocked if my mom also thought it was my dad sneaking in at night and pissing wildly all over.

But most of the time she would yell at us, my broth'r and I. Though it's not like she'd be yelling furiously, more just reminding us to pee in the toilet, rather than on it. To be fair, having to not only share a house with my brother and I, but raise us, I commend her for not hanging herself.

I remember being so adamant that it wasn't me, thinking that I always pee inside the toilet bowl, and it had to be my brother. I'd be so shocked that she would accuse me of something so vile.

Well recently, I had an epiphany: it was probably both of us.

Living with my wife for the last 6+ years, and knowing that she doesn't have a wiener to pee all over everything, I see the splash on the rim of the terlet, and I can acknowledge to myself that yeah, I am guilty. I have been guilty.

And I will continue to be guilty.

So mom, if you're reading this: you were right, I was partly to blame for the pee around the toilet. I'm sorry.

But that crazy poop spatter that always found its way onto the inside of the bowl, and on the bottom of the toilet seat, and sometimes on the floor - totally not me.

Friday, December 9, 2011

overheard at work 1.0

"Hey Jim, Welcome back! How was your vacation, you glad to be back?"

"Oh ya know, it was good, haha."

WAIT WHAT? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THE VACATION WAS? HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE AT WORK FOR TWO WEEKS. TWO WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKS OF NOT WORKING.

R U GLAD 2 B BACK? BITCH PLZ, He's pissed as fuck to be back.

30 years of my life and I've never once seen anybody glad to be back at work from vacation. Never.

And I never will.

That post-vacation trudge into the office is easily the worst feeling in the world. Worse than flying, worse than seeing the love of your life scarf down massive black dong and def worse than when the fucking restaurant forgets to not put mayo on my goddamn hamburger.

You glad to be back at work?

I think 50 Cent said it best: "you wouldn't know joy if it wadn't fer pain."

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: HATEPUMP IS BACK

This lady, Janice Daniels - the mayor of Troy, MI, the one below that looks manlier than Hilary Clinton, she doesn't like the idea of gays getting married.
















And then she posted on facebook about it lol. Last June lol. And it's just making news now.

Massive lols @ the first status update, btw. Rest assured that if she was mocking a Republican, there would be no question that it was the wittiest, funniest thing ever.

But the bottom status update is the one in question.













Who even says "queers" anymore? "Faggot" is my go-to slur these days. And maybe one of these days I'll lay out a case why it should be your go-to slur too.

But yo, I just gotta mention this: if you think that gay marriage is somehow impeding you from having an awesome life, that's insane. If the idea of two dudes getting married really bothers you, it's time to lighten up, brah.

That said, what's worse than the people who are so vehemently against gay marriage? THE HORRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT ANNOYING FUCKHEADS THAT CHAMPION IT SO FURIOUSLY.

Yes, I get it, gays should be allowed to marry. They should have every right that a straight couple has. But I can't think of a time when my mind was changed by a schmuck at a protest with a big sign or an ALL CAPS facebook post.

Don't believe me that they're the worst of the worst? Check out the best of the progressive elite immediately below!





Nobody gives a shit about you, Gramma! Not even your grand kids!









What I think she means to say is that it's NOT OK to disagree with Gramma!

Jesus, with a mug like that, she's probably been turnin' dudes gay for years now. Not even knocking 50 years off that face could salvage it.

Two strikes against this nutjob: she's old and she's crazy!

But you know what, be PUMPED because hate and ignorance are still alive and kicking in the world! LET THE HATE PUMP YOU THROUGH THIS SLUSHY, SNOW-FILLED WEEK AND RIGHT INTO THE HOLIDAYS.

Doesn't get much PUMPIER THAN THIS INSANE HATEPUMP!


Monday, December 5, 2011

secret santa

OK, first I have to apologize, after a relatively nice weekend, you'd think I'd be in good spirits this morning. Of course that's completely looking past the fact that it's Monday morning, however unsurprising that may be. Both the Monday morning part and the angry part.

Most of you probably have jobs and most of you have probably participated in a secret santa thing either at work or any time throughout grade school. Well have you ever stopped to think about how stupid it is?

Sounds good at first, but think about what it entails. After signing up, you put together a list of things you want, probably in the $10-20 range. At the same time, you receive a list from another willing participant. Then, closer to Christmas, you give the gifts to the appropriate recipient.

So really the only surprise is who actually will give you the gift. Who actually looked at your list, selected the easiest-to-procure gift? WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T YOU JUST GO OUT AND BUY ONE ITEM FROM YOUR LIST?

Gift giving on Birthdays and Christmas or whatever is a lot less "binding" than a secret santa. Like you can get me a sweet Birthday gift this year and it'll probably be years before I even acknowledge your birth, you still-unborn-to-me shitheads. But with secret santa, there are two (2) sides contributing a roughly equal (dollar) value gift. That make sense?

When you wittingly enter into a secret santa, you know what you're getting and you know what you're giving. That's not fun.

I love receiving gifts, solicited, listed, begged for, or otherwise. No question. But I bet you'd be surprised to learn that I actually enjoy giving them too. Not in the traditional, obligated, designated sense though. Like if I see something that just hits me like, "woah, I bet ****** would love this!", I would totally buy it and be really PUMPED to give it.

But the instances that I'd ever be thinking about someone else, 'specially while out shopping for myself, are so few and far between. You get the gist though.

I don't know, maybe if there's some slut at the office, and you want to blow her mind by going above and beyond in the secret santa gift exchange. You know, something to let her know you're DTF, to see if she's DTF as well. But that's assuming you lucked out and drew her name. Also assuming you're not a huge fucking pussy and took that extra step past buying her the stupid Ped Egg she had listed.

If you really want to impress people and do the right thing, next time you're invited to a secret santa, decline in favor of donating to an animal shelter. And please remember, if you're in earshot of a potential slore, make sure your intentions are audible.

Bottom line, you are deluding yourself if you think that people are actually excited to buy you a gift (from a list you wrote!) or give you anything at all. The Secret Santa is just a cheap way for you to receive a gift, under the guise of reciprocal, heartfelt, faux-holiday cheer gift-giving.

Friday, December 2, 2011

i love samsung

The quickest way to a real man's heart is to mock iphone fanbags lol.

Not sure if you have seen these new Samsung commercials for the Galaxy something or whatever. But watch as the twink on twink mocking makes me almost consider not buying an iPhone in September when our contract is up.

Well you're not gonna see me almost not consider buying an iPhone in September when our contract is up, but you're gonna see twink on twink mocking for sure.




When I think of the typical iPhone user, I don't think of my friends, who are iPhone users. Nah, I think of the whiny, crybaby, hipster dipshits depicted in the waiting lines in the commercial. The marketing homos at Samsung really nailed my skewed vision of the average iPhone user.

All that flashy marketing, a product that sells like crazy, snazzy features, deep flaws (lolworthy syncing, iTunes, Apple branding, etc.), all these attributes of the iPhone and Apple tell me I should hate my iPhone-using friends. But I don't.

So it is here that I apologize to the friends I have relentlessly mocked for sucking the deceased dick of Steve Jobs; you are not the horrible iPhone users I thought you were. And you can puff all the dead dong you want, weirdos.

But yo, you'll never catch me saying anything positive about iTunes. That shit whack.