Monday, October 31, 2011

looking forward to things

Today is Halloween, and while I don't have anything scary to post, I hope to bum you out just a little with the tone of this post. I want to be the fart in your bowl of soup.

The spoiled milk in your cereal.

The shart that snuck through.

The razorblade in your candy.

You know what sucks? Looking forward to things sucks.

You got a great vacation coming up next month, you wait and wait and wait for the vacation to come, it happens, you have fun, then it's back to being bummed and not looking forward to anything.

Except maybe dying.

Or maybe another vacation in a couple months.

On the other hand, what about dreading upcoming events? That sucks too. Maybe you have to give a presentation, or do something you really don't like doing (leave the house, clean the litter boxes, live life). So then you just sulk until you suffer through whatever it was you were dreading. And you're worse off for it.

Then you'll think of something else to hate in a couple months, for the next couple months.

Furthermore, if I'm just meh about something, then well, that would be a shitty way to live. The highs are what make the lows and the lows are what make the highs. The PUMPS make the unpumps and vice versa. In this shitty world where nothing is ever really good enough, I need to feel something, however crappy.

For Thanksgiving, we're taking a week off and heading back to Wisconsin for the entire week. You could say I'm looking forward to it. But you could also say that I'm dreading it. You see, the minute it starts, it also begins to end. I almost enjoy thinking of all the fun things I'm going to be doing more than actually doing the fun things, with that sinking feeling in the back of my head - knowing that it will end.

So the next time you think you've got something great lined up, just think about it a little more and realize that in the end, it's probably not going to be that great.

Good things end, bad things begin.

Friday, October 28, 2011

help a metalhead

I saw this link on lamboat (a metal and hardcore website) and thought it would be great for a blog post.

Official press release:

Dane Wolf, known to many throughout the metal community as a skilled guitar tech, tour manager, and overall kind and hardworking human being, was badly beaten in Denver, Colorado last week while on the Death Angel/Testament/Anthrax tour. As a result, he had to drop off the tour and was recently released from the hospital in Denver. Dane's mother, Jenna Wolf, issued the following statement on Dane Wolf's Give Forward fundraising page:

"Please help in whatever way you can by assisting with his medical bills and upcoming travel expenses to and from Colorado when things go to court. There will be additional medical costs in the future as well, as he continues to recover and requires follow-up care. The goal has now been raised due to the amazing response of Dane's friends and family. Thank you so much for your continued support, and for sharing the link, and his story!"

The goal is to raise $7,500.00 to pay Dane's medical and travel expenses. Thus far, $3,760 (50%) has been raised. YOU can help a metalhead who worked a metal tour you attended by visiting and donate what you can. Every dollar helps!

It sucks that dude got beat the ferk up, for sure. But what did he get beat up for? The article makes no mention of the circumstances, leading us to believe they may have been sketchy in nature.

Did he save a hapless woman from being raped, and in the process wind up the victim?

Maybe he caught the business end of a crowbar after dropping n-bombs to a crew of people that don't appreciate n-bombs.

Who knows. But I find it funny that the article mentions he was "overall kind and hardworking". "In the grand scheme of things, yeah, he probably did more good than harm, but he hated black people."

Or, "overall, he was a good husband, but he had a really short fuse and often beat his kids and wife."

It's hard to say.

Apparently the goal was raised, because the family lowballed expectations about how much dude's friends and family would actually help lol. They wound up doing so well, that they're gonna try to snatch a little profit off the whole thing. Goal raised, keep giving!

The last sentence about how he is a metalhead who probably worked a show I attended is MINDBOGGLING. First, I haven't been to a show in a long ass time. And second, the last metal show I went to, everything was insanely overpriced - admission, music, drinks, merch. Plus there were a bunch of androgynous fruitloops with horrible, uneven, multi-colored haircuts in skinny jeans and tight black shirts. Now I'm supposed to help out a mere cog in the system that's trying to rip me off?

Ferk that. I paid admission for my ticket. I don't owe anybody else at the show a thing. If I wanted a record, I would have bought it. And for another post, fucking tip jars at merch tables, wow.

You help somebody out not because they took part in fulfilling your materialistic/consumer urges, but because you want to do the right thing. I have a feeling Mr. Wolf wouldn't give too shits about helping me out, even if I attended a show that he worked. Fuck that family and probably fuck you too.

Do I give a shit about the 8 year old Asian kid that put together the computer I'm currently ranting on? NO. Just like I don't give a shit about Steve Jobs, any nameless factory worker at Dodge, a random schmuck that binds books for a living, or any other turd who may have had a small hand in a product or service that I enjoy.

That's not how it works, buddy. If Mr. Wolf hadn't been available to guitar-tech for any given show, I'm sure another equally talented guitar-tech would step up.

It still boggles my mind that musicians solicit their fans and friends for donations when something happens - usually lack of health insurance related.

You want a security blanket, health insurance, benefits, whatever? Get a job that provides them. You following your dreams and having a hobby as a job is not my expense. Yeah I'd love to "write", "draw", or be a "songwriter", but reality hit, I've got an awesome wife and she didn't marry an attractive bum with a sweet hobby.

Maybe Mr. Wolf is an amazing dude, always helping others selflessly, whatever. Maybe there really is NOBODY on this earth that deserves charity more than Mr. Wolf. I don't know. Cheers to a speedy recovery though.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011




And unfortunately Jim Schwartz declined another post-game meltdown.

But that won't halt the SPORTSPUMP!



No worries, Matty Ryan gets up, walks off the field, moons the fans, creeps into the tunnel and emerges on the next series to toss a sick pass to some weird wide receiver like he never missed a beat!

Then we got some cracker ass mothereffer delivering a blow to the nuts of a Packers O-lineman. Not sure about the backstory, but this dude, laying on his back, gives TJ Lang's nuts the boot. What, do the Vikings think they're the Steelers or Lions now? GTFO!


You've seen NFL kickers NAIL 60 yard field goals in overtime to win the game. But have you ever seen a kicker NAIL a return man like Neil Rackers does right here?

Rail thin, dad-haired, whiteboy hondydonk mofo PUT THE HAMMER DOWN ON THAT PLAY.

That's right, for the rest of this week, as shitty as it may be, as horrible as your life probably is, you need to summon your inner dad-hair, your inner cracker, your inner skindleton and PUT THE HAMMER DOWN ON THE REST OF THIS CRAP FILLED WEEK.

After that insane PUMP, I hate to leave on a low-note, but I just want to remind you that no matter how awesome things are, one day, the circle of life will complete itself on you; you will be the fuel for something else to live. And if that circle of life just so happens to be the death of you (think shark, lion, bear or vicious snake attack), well, I just goddamn hope somebody caught it on video and puts it up on Youtube.

OK, one last SPORTSPUMP brought to you buy the original SPORTSTHUGPUMPER, Alan Iverson, with some help from a couple of his SPORTSPUMP friends.

Monday, October 24, 2011

monday advice

So here we are, poaching advice column nuggets of gold. Never ceases to amaze me the kind of mind-bogglingly solvable quandries people find themselves in. Read on:

Dear Prudence,
I just graduated from college, am living at home, and started a year-long position as an AmeriCorps member. I'm paid a stipend set at the poverty line. Two weeks ago, my parents told me they expect me to pay them $80,000—half of my college tuition. We had never discussed splitting costs when I was applying to schools, and they discouraged me from considering state schools. If I knew that I would be responsible for half of the cost of my education, I would not have attended a private school. Still, I realize the value of education and want to take responsibility for my college costs. My parents recently sold their vacation house to help pay off my college costs and to celebrate the sale, they want us to go on vacation together in the fall. They expect me to pay $1,300 and take three weeks off from work for this "once-in-a-lifetime" trip. I can't. But they said that if I don't go, then they won't go. How can I meet my parents' expectations to be both financially responsible and supportive of their desire to travel?

I don't even know where to begin. I want to dispense advice, but wow, this may be beyond repair. First thing, she works for AmeriCorps. AmeriCORPSE LOL. Second, the parents are batshit crazy.

Weird, so let's recap: the parents appear to be in dire financial straits after apparently telling their daughter to spare no expense at college, planning on paying it back no problem. Then something happened. The husband's crippling gambling addiction. The wife's monstrous credit card debt. The stepbrother's untold thousands dropped on internet porn. Their American desire to spend beyond their means. Who knows, who cares.

Strange though, after the sale of property to pay off debts, profit (presumably best put toward the debt) is being used on superfluous celebratory vacations. Something is awry.

So Shawtie graduates, and her parents just out of thin air ask for half her tuition bill? I can't help but think that there was a huge miss-communication somewhere along the line. Either way, we weren't there, so we're gonna have to make some assumptions.

I guess from her perspective, she probably thinks she's getting owned, and it appears she is. Most likely, the parents took an oh we'll take care of it, don't fuck around with that pov state schools approach to her tuition. I can't believe that in 2011 anybody actually gives a shit where you got your undergrad from, unless you're going into grad school or something - state, private, online (lol), it doesn't matter, for the most part (YO WHERE MY U of PHOENIX PEEPS AT LOL?!?!)

While we can take solace in the fact that due to inflated egos or a sense of disbelief - their own fault -another family seems to have financially fucked themselves, we still have some advice to share.

Here's what you do, Shawtie, word for word: sit your parents down and have a discussion.

"Mom and dad. You told me to attend private university. To, in your words, drink and drug with the pious pupils at private school rather than the poverty at State U. I believed you. I trusted you. I slept with a good three quarters of the football, rugby and baseball teams. I believed in you, and the advice you gave me.

And here we are - you expecting me, probably not on any legal grounds, to pay you around eighty thousand dollars for my collegiate experiences and a couple STDS. For merely following your advice. As a minor.

You're getting older and as you try to fuck me now I will surely fuck you in the twilight of your lives. And I'm not talking about the good kind of fucking. You're my parents, gross. Ewwww. As senility, incontinence, dementia and various other all-but-guaranteed afflictions begin to take their toll, you will begin to wonder whether it was worth it to attempt to take advantage of your daughter during your vulnerable, mortal years.

With that said, let's work out a plan to help you help me, so I can in turn help you when the time comes. I believe that a good starting point will be a sincere apology to me, for your financial incompetence. And most likely it will end with contractual divorcing of me, Shawtie, from the consequences or your financial liabilities."

There you have it, a reasonable solution.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


I don't claim to be knowledgeable about any of the authors mentioned below; I'm just going on a gut feeling as I share my two cents on a couple demographics of people.

Kurt Vonnegut fans - I have never read a Kurt Vonnegut book. Ever. I may someday and think he's the best author ever. If that happens, I might spontaneously combust back into my 1990's high school and be a fucking nerd virgin that doesn't know shit about anything. I couldn't tell you Mr. Vonnegut's writing style, his politics, anything he's written, anything about him at all. There's a good chance that I hate the people who enthusiastically read him because I envision his books as a gateway to getting heavily involved in the sci-fi scene.

Grey's Anatomy viewers - [disclaimer: my wife "likes" this show; she is exempt] I hate this television show. However, unlike most of the garbage on this list, I am familiar. Quite familiar. True story here, one time a buddy of mine and I had girlfriends that watched Grey's. So the four of us watched it one night. Together. Only it got so bad that my buddy and I retreated to his spare bedroom and talked about downloading music. It was so bad that we didn't even download any music, we merely discussed the best methods for obtaining illegal downloads. Pathetic. If you are a fan of Grey's Anatomy, you are probably a chick. And are probably fat. Or hot. Or medium-hot. Doesn't matter, because broads of all hotness levels are inexplicably drawn to this show.

Chuck Palahniuk readers - Again, never read any of this dude's books. I watched Fight Club, thought it was kinda boring, and got on with my life. This is another one of those guilty by association deals. You a huge Palahuniak fan? You probably really suck. You are also probably a turd that thinks you're so cosmo, going to art shows while pretending to appreciate abstract art. Words cannot describe.

Youtube commenters - [editor's note: this particular commentary was removed by the CEO of heck yeah, man llc due to the racially charged nature.]

Jack Kerouac fans - Again, never read anything by Jack Kerouac. Haha, most of you are probably wondering whether I even read a book in middle or high school. I did. But I didn't read much then. I do more now. I actually have a theory that Jack Kerouac, Kurt Vonnegut and Chuck Palahniuk are all the same person. Despite the three of them being in various states of "alive", ranging from not to definitely, I remain convinced they may be the same person.

Dancing With the Stars fans - Never seen this show and never will. Unfortunately, I've twice seen an upcoming season's cast "leaked" during a television show. Yeah, the show I was watching was interrupted so the two dimwit hosts announce the new cast. I don't know what's worse, being actively interested in a show about shining -sub-stars DANCING, or being tricked into believe the d-listers on the show are actually stars. Chaz Bono, Ron Artest, some lady I've never heard of. Who the fuck are these people? Both the contestants and the fans.

Any other groups of fans that you'd like a commentary on?




Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Sorry to all you sports-haters out there, but when the PUMP is there, you gotta take it, get PUMPED, and run with it.

Normally I would have loved to post the diff'rent sections of the following video separately. But a couple things happened. Mainly, I couldn't find (didn't bother) each part that I wanted.

So you get all three in one. In addition to some ridiculous three-plus minute advertisement for a who-knows-what video game thing.

Check this out. This weekend was an awesome weekend for sports. Unless you're a Detroit sports fan.

First, on Saturday night, the Tigers got ELIMINATED (yeah, greasy bowel movement-style) from the American League Championship Series! You know, the playoff series where the winner heads to the WORLD SERIES!

Not only that, but the Rangers FUCKING CRUSHED them, 15-5. I was so PUMPED during that game, that I could hardly play Uno with my wife and in-laws, while the game was on in the background.

It gets better. On Sunday, the Lions - one of two undefeated teams left in the NFL (Green Bay Packers) - lost. But they didn't just lose, they COLLAPSED under the weight of a SURGING SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS TEAM.

Now there is only one (1) undefeated team left, and I think we all know who it is! GREEN & GOLD PUMP CAUSE THE LIONS STILL SUCK!

Watch below as the 49ers seal the victory with a go-ahead touchdown with like two minutes left. Two more defensive stops later, and the game is over! NFC NORTH PUMP!

And God, it just doesn't quit. The 49ers coach, Jim Harbaugh, was PUMPED AS FERK and ran over to shake the Lions coach, Jim Schwartz's hand, as is customary after a game. Only Little Schwartz didn't think the handshake was gracious enough so he had an epic meltdown and chased Harbaugh down the sideline, ramming Harbaugh with his shoulder, cussing at him, and having to be restrained by security and other players.

WTF, dude.

Then in the post-game conferences both coaches addressed the issue. Harbaugh went on to playfully mock the situation, while Schwartz started making things up.

Hilarious when Schwartz said he didn't expect the obscenity after getting "shoved" out of the way. Because he was the one that uttered the F-bomb immediately after the encounter lol.

It's like cuffing your ugly ass kid up, and then saying, "I didn't expect the child abuse".

Watch all this shit unfold and prepare for PUMP UP.

Also, notice number 87 for the Lions, Pettigrew, big ups to him for catching a touchdown in the game and helping me win one fantasy football match-up, while also helping me lose the match-up in my other league. Bittersweet PUMP!

Also, lol @ Bill Cowher muttering "I would have done the same thing" during the video, then siding with Schwartz during the analysis, after. Cowher, you're a fucking chump. All he ever did was act tough, talk over people and yell. Fucking Charles Bronson wannabe halfwit. And Charles Bronson didn't even have to yell or talk over people to look tough, he just was tough and had a mustache. Great idea for next week's PUMP!

And on an UNPUMP note, the Brewers got CRUSHED by a bunch of overachieving dipshits that are collectively known as the St. Louis Cardinals. And they will not be heading to the World Series this year. Tony LaRussa is such a cockpit.

But the Brew Crew did record their best regular season record ever! PUMP!

A lot of Brewer fans got loaded! PUMP!

And they got to the National League Championship Series! PUMP!

And Prince Fielder is a money-hungry dipshit that choked hard in the NLCS. Wish he woulda choked on some of his firm tofu! DIE FATTY!

So yeah, in the end. I would trade a Brewers loss for a Tigers loss and Lions loss, with a bonus Lions coach meltdown any day of the week!

Eat shit Detroit sports fans!

Monday, October 17, 2011

you're gay

It's 2011.

People, myself included, still use gay and faggot and other gay slurs in derogatory fashion. I try to wean those words out of my vocabulary, but they sneak in every once in a while. But this isn't about me. This is about those guys whose go-to rebuttal is YOU FUCKING FAGGOT or WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FAGGOT or YOU'RE CLEARLY GAY.

Whether it's really meant to be a stinging insult (really, that's the worst thing you can think of?) or just a playful dig at a pal, repeated homosexual name calling is still unsettling. And not just because it's mind-boggling that anybody cares whether somebody is gay or straight.

I'm guessing that a person's interest in another's sex-life stems from a lack of interest in their own. Or maybe they're the parents of a slutty teenager. Then it's OK I guess.

It's like if you say something enough, you start to believe it. Almost as if some subconscious, wanton, lust-filled wish is prompting a man to consistently call his friend gay. To want his friend to be gay.

To need his friend to be gay.

Just want to announce again that there is nothing wrong with being gay. In fact, in some circles, being gay is better than being heterosexual, and often times glorified. But that's usually the circles where there's a lot of deeply embedded self-hating. At HYM LLC, we don't care about sexual orientation, nah, we just want to start our day with a really strong cup of coffee and then go from there. And if our day lead us into hating people for ridiculous reasons, hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

But think about this for a minute, your bro constantly accusing you of being homosexual.

Watching the game with a buncha bros? Chances are the same guy called you gay a minimum of 15 times. And I don't think your Ed Hardy graphic tee is to blame, buddy.

At a bachelor party with strippers all over and your buddy just bought you a lapdance and calls you gay when you politely decline because it's gross as fuck when some slore stripper puts her just-motorboated-by-another-buddy-and-spittle-covered titties in your face. He called you a fag to your face, to your buddies, to the stripper and in his own head dozens of times. And he secretly wants to fuck you.

Thanksgiving with the family, and your weird half-step-cousin calls you gay because don't want to play another six hours of Dungeons & Dragons in the attic with no lights on. He's been thinking about you every holiday for the last ten years, bro.

You are now a piece of meat. Just when you thought you were surrounded by your closest friends and family, probably trying to scam on chicks, maybe one of your friends wishes he could be scamming on you. Now you know how chicks feel, when they just want to have a fun girls night out, and there are dicks lurking around every corner.

It's just weird that a dude takes it as an insult when it's really just an odd declaration of his pal's desire for a male friend to be attracted to men, possibly even him.

Friday, October 14, 2011

trip to petco

So this past Monday night Heckyeahwoman and I found ourselves at Petco.

I should probably mention that we were there shopping for a cat harness. Because we have a cat leash, but no collar or harness. Also, we have a cat - two, in fact. You can go ahead and do the math.

cat + leash + harness = going for a walk!

Yeah, we wanted to take Orange Guy for a walk. Outside.

We're that married couple.

But back to Petco. It was almost surreal. Odd, cause it started out just like any other trip there - run in, get what we need, and bust. It was when we were waiting in line to check out that things got weird.

To our left, we notice a little commotion, just some dipshit trying to corral his dog so he can jump into the checkout line. And I didn't notice IT right away, all I saw was dude pulling his emaciated puppy across the floor. Then he went on to explain to the dude in front of him that, "she's really skinny, but completely healthy." Supermodel cocaine logic, whatever. But what I missed though was the reason the dude had to pull the dog in the first place.

The dog was shitting.

In the store.

And he left behind a half-banana-sized doggy untreat.

The dog wasn't the only one leaving that brown nugget, the owner of his emaciated pup unflinchingly did too. Didn't notify an employee, didn't ask for a paper towel. Just stood there like nothing happened. Like the dog he voluntarily brought into the store DIDN'T JUST FUCKING SHIT ON THE FLOOR.

I should have known by his stupid goatee that he was a fucking asshole.

For all we know, that turd is still there.

The fuckery doesn't stop there friends, no, once that sitch calmed itself down, we were checking out, only to see the lady that was previously ahead of us, steer her cart out the door, screech it around in a sudden u-turn, and storm back towards the cashier. But she didn't go to the cashier that had 30 seconds ago checked her out.

Either because my menacing look deterred her from interrupting my checkout experience, or because the cashier was new and was having problems getting the scanner to accept her $3 off coupon, so he had to call over a more experienced cashier to handle that serious business.

Anyway, she went to the other cashier, barged in front of a waiting customer and said she didn't get her $3 off and she was "frustrated." Then abruptly declared, "whatever, nevermind."

Let the little things go, lady.

What a psycho, she definitely had an angry, mid-life crisis haircut of rage.

After paying, we left the Petco without incident, got in the car and saw her approach hers.

Yeah, her and her early 00's Lexus acting like the world revolves around her. I've never seen somebody so angrily load a couple bags of dog food into a trunk before.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Not sure if you know, but it's baseball playoffs season! What an insane end of the regular season: the Rays won in extra innings with an Evan Schlongoria solo shot to beat the Yankees, clinch the wild card, and most importantly, end the season for the Red Sox.

We witnessed the Red Sox just COLLAPSE over the last month of the season, so much so that their playoff chances came down to the last game of the season, and even hinged on the Rays.

Big THANK YOU to the Baltimore Orioles for doing their part in destroying the postseason chances for the Red Sox! Thanks guys!


Lettuce kick this PUMP off with the BREWERS beating the D-backs in the NLDS, extra innings, Nyjer "T-Plush" Morgan cranked the walk-off RBI, driving Carlos Gomez in - to win the game AND THE SERIES!

And while I don't hate the Detroit Tigers or enjoy the Texas Rangers, all this insane hype for the Detroit Lions going 5-0, beating cupcake teams, is insane! It's only natural that I get PUMPED when the Tigers lose.

And it's only natural that you do the same.

Here's Nelson Cruz knocking one out of the park, with a weird look on his face, during game one of the ALCS, securing a Rangers victory. Heh, Detroit sports fans - WHERE'S YOUR PUMP NOW!?!?!?!

Uh, at least you aren't Twins fans? That's something to be PUMPED about!

Then in Game 2, Nelson Cruz says, "Fuck the Tigers. And you know what else, fuck those overrated Lions too." Only instead of actually verbalizing it, he talks with his bat.


Yeah, the Brewers got CRUSHED by the Cardinals on Monday night, but it was worth it seeing the Tigers go down two games to none. OK not really.

THE PUMP WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH! (whatever that means).

Got an amazing story from our recent trip to Petco coming up on Friday.

Monday, October 10, 2011

busy weekend

Wanted to do a weekend wrap-up here but nothing really blog-worthy came out of the last couple days. I could tell you about how I am CRUSHING in my fantasy football league, or how we DESTROYED a half order of insanely awesome cheese bread on Saturday night, or how the weather was beautiful and we went fishing and watched some dude catch a baby smallmouth bass that was obviously not legally big enough to keep but he kept it anyway. So yeah, nothing too cray-cray.

Pretty bummed I didn't have time to catch a showing of REAL STEEL, the new Huge Ackman flick. Sounds like a great story. Didn't get a chance to read the book it was based on, but I heard it was just fantastic. Interesting though, I never knew that Hemingway dabbled in Sci-Fi.

Anyway, I was pretty busy, so I leave you with this little gem. Plan on getting PUMPED into the stratosphere on HUMP DAY.

The second or so of action at about 0:56 is probably the most epic thing ever put to film.

Also, the user that uploaded that vid to youtube goes by the handle of
. lol

Friday, October 7, 2011

PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! song lyrics

As we're wrapping up PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! with the whimper that usually accompanies the modern philosopher as he or she strives for greatness, relevancy or anything at all really, we're going to take a little bit of a deeper look at a certain song's lyrics.

I was listening to a CD the other day and a certain lyric jumped right out at me: "I'd rather die than live like you." Clearly all of it's screamed, modern hardcore glory.

The song is called "I.C. You Are Feeling Drake" by the band American Nightmare. Great song btw. Fantastic album too, Background Music is great PUMP UP music.

Listen for it at 1:42: "I'd rather die than live like you."

I've been listening to punk and hardcore for years now, and I'm sure there are other songs with that exact same lyric, if not just that exact same sentiment. Think about it for a second though. What is the singer really saying?

"I'd rather die...

...than live like you."

Most likely the song is about some dudebro he thinks he hates. From the lyrics, it's probably somebody who he thinks gave up their hardcore or punk rock lifestyle - sold out, man. Maybe it's a former straightedger who opted to have a drink and chill. Maybe a true till deather that got so high he managed to take bong rips hard as shit from a crack pipe. Oh god or maybe it was a former vegan breaking "vedge" by demolishing a fatty, marbled ribeye in the presence of a bunch of other emaciated losers.

One rumor floating around the 'net back in the early aughts (shortly after the song was written) was that the song was about Karl from Earth Crisis taking prescription drugs (OMG) to combat the wonky look he always has on his face. Hard to be edge when you're takin' the 'scrips, do! (fyi, "do" is short for "dude" and I'll think you'll be seeing more of it)

I also heard at a show one time that it was about the rampant androgyny & gay haircuts starting to sweep the metalcore scene.

Or more likely, maybe a former bandmate who quit the band, went to college, got a job in his chosen profession, had a family and has no more time for a full time touring band that doesn't pay the bills.

Who knows, maybe the object of the song is a total douchebag, just some corporate office lackey, worried more about his next cup of coffee from the 'bucks than anything of real (non-coffee) substance. But let's examine what he's saying for a second. Like, it's one thing to declare that you don't want to live like person A. I get it, you think that particular lifestyle sucks. Fair enough.

Maybe the best way to offer your advice, influence, support or help, or to get your point across to said wayward friend would be with a simple telephone call, rather than in the form of a ripping hardcore tune. Though for the record, I prefer the ripping hardcore tune. Great song.

But to choose death over a life the dude is probably oblivious to is kinda crazy. I mean, if the singer walked up to the dude, told him that he'd rather die than live like him, there's a very high chance the dude is just gonna say, "whatever, man, you're still bummed about me quitting the band, eh."

I bet a good 75% of the band's fanbase is in the same boat - selling out the edge, the core, the scene the whatever. They probably just realized that acting like you're 18 only works until you're 18, maybe 21, tops.

The thing is, the signer is a thirty-something, fairly accomplished lyricist and writer, who you'd think would be smarter than that. Maybe he is. Or at least he should maybe have the foresight to see that the subject of the song, while said well, is kind of tacky. Maybe once a decade or so he looks back through his old lyrics and just cringes.

More personally, would he rather die than live like me? Than be unemployed and handsome and awesome? Really? He doesn't even know me, and he's screaming about how he'd rather die than live like me. OK, maybe he knows about our three-legged cat that's always pooping on the floor. And pissing on my stuff.

I don't know if he knows that my wife is a doctor - surely he has no idea how awesome it is to tell people that your wife is a doctor. I wouldn't rather die than tell people my wife is awesome.

At the end of the day, there is somebody out there that he hates so much, where he'd rather die than live like him. Unless that much-hated person is Hitler or something, like, that's kind of trivial, dude.

FYI Wes, nobody is forcing you to live like anybody. You're over 30 by now, you can stay angry as much as you want, just don't be too bummed when some of us get a laugh out of it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! rabbit hole

I hope we're all enjoying PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! I know I'm not. Today we're going to talk about a movie we viewed about a month or two ago. And while we won't be discussing anything too philosophical, we are going to discuss why this movie should be insulting to normal people like you and me.

But mainly just you.

The movie, Rabbit Hole, was more than just a movie, more than Hollywood fatcats pretending they know what the average person's struggle is; it was an exercise in containing rage. It was watching your happily married mother pinch the pool-boy's ass.

It was coming home early from work to find your wife in bed with your step uncle.

It was your friend promising to trade you his Troy Aikman rookie card, then watching him sell it to a sketchy dealer at the local weekend card show.

Anyway, it's about a husband (the usually great Aaron Eckhart) and wife (the scraggly yet still hot Nicole Kidman) dealing with the loss of their (probably gay) four year old son. Little guy got hit by a car when he ran into the road, chasing the family dog.

It doesn't help that Kidman portrays the kind of wife you just want to - no, just have to beat, abuse, destroy, break, humiliate. OK sorry, a bit much there. Her depiction of a grieving wife is offensive - though not necessarily from the way she plays the part. What's offensive is that she has any idea about grief, what it is, how to deal with it.

Heckyeahwoman said she enjoyed the flick, not necessarily seeing it as a two hour bumout, the way I did. Instead, she saw it as an interesting portrayal of a family dealing with a very unfortunate incident, and the repercussions from the tragedy.

But the thing is, Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart are very rich. And true, I don't know them or what they went through before they became rich and famous. But for multimillionaire actresses and actors, I find it hard to believe they are as in touch with raw human emotions as the rest of us.

Maybe that's an indictment of my cynicism, but I firmly believe that living an insanely posh lifestyle, having more money than you'll ever need tends to provide a pretty nice cushion when life knocks you down, no matter how tragic the boot to the face.

And maybe that sounds horrible, I don't think money is everything. But I do believe that having a lot of it makes a lot of things a lot easier. Especially during emotionally trying times.

Dealing with the loss of a child is a lot easier, I'm sure, when you can take a couple months off, jet off to an exotic beach with family and friends and deal on your own terms. Of course that's opposed to getting a measly week of bereavement from your job at the factory, while not knowing if you'll be able to make ends meet this month - the way many normal people have to cope.

The elite simply have many more resources at their disposal - mostly courtesy of their financial means.

Please don't mistake that I have something against the wealthy; I don't. I do have something against someone that has no idea what middle class struggle is, pretending to know, and then expecting that same middle class pay to watch the whole fuckaroo.

On the plus side, the movie did have a couple saving graces, one being the interactions at the group therapy session. Also, there was one scene, probably my favorite, where the couple was fighting, and Aaron Eckhart just stops and blurts out "What do you want from me?!"

A couple things immediately popped into my head, as I simultaneously started chuckling to myself. But explaining to Heckyeahwoman that the chorus of the song below was the cause of my giggles didn't have the same effect on her.

The last redeeming quality of the movie, for me, was the ending. Kinda-spoiler alert: the kid already got run over, and this ain't a ghost story - so he ain't coming back. So without spoiling too much, I was happy with the way they resolved the movie.

You know, a part of me thought Rachel Getting Married was the worst movie ever. Then Desperation Road, and then initially this one. Shit, I just remembered Amelie. So many shitty movies, who cares.

Turns out I'm not really convinced this was the worst movie ever. In fact, I had originally just jotted down a couple notes immediately after viewing, with plans to write a post about it. But the more I write about it now, the more favorably I see it.

The story was admittedly pretty decent, and it's really hard to dislike Aaron Eckhart, no matter how spoiled he may or may not be. Plus, he smokes reefer with the Asian chick from Grey's Anatomy, in addition to some other slightly, unintentionally humorous scenes.

At the end of the day, yeah, I'm just some dude from Michigan that feels kind of insulted that Hollywood producers think they can stick a couple pretty faces into a movie with a relatively serious subject matter, and pretend to know me or people like me. That's fine. But what isn't fine is that more people don't share my sentiment.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


Yes, we are in the midst of PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!!, but that doesn't put us above talking about my meatheaded experiences at the gym. As the weather cools off, I'm finding myself there more and more.

Anyway, we need to get to the PUMP, cause we got some good philosophical crap coming up the next couple days.

Saw some dude with literally no neck, and my first thought was, "I bet he's a real asshole." Who knows if he was or not, but it made me think a bit: yeah, he is obviously very strong in the traditional, physical sense.

But maybe he isn't so strong personally. No doubt, he's definitely a toolbox dipshit douchebag. That's something that's obvious by his choice of gym attire: super baggy basketball shorts, all-over-print Ed Hardy graphic tee, huge basketball shoes and a backwards baseball hat.

Just from looking at this guy, maybe real strength isn't always measured by how much you can do, but rather how much you refrain from doing, or don't do.

That said, I PUMPED out 250 pushups in less than 20 minutes. Did you? Didn't think so. *StrongAsFuck

Maybe you're stronger than me because you refrained from doing 20 minutes worth of push ups, which in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really mean shit.

Like take this dude for example. Yeah, it doesn't take very much physical strength to cuff the waitress up a little and then pour HOT COFFEE ALL OVER THAT TRICK. Obviously he's not strong enough to REFRAIN FROM FREAKING OUT AND OWNING HER. What a pussy.

Now let's see what my boy Allen Watts would say about that vid.

If I know Mr. Watts like I think I know Mr. Watts, he'd say that you can't have spilled coffee, both on the table and on the waitress, without un-spilled coffee.

The high, the low. The calm, the angry. The coffee-scalded skin, the uncoffee-scalded skin. The sloppy pour, the smooth pour.

And then he'd say, "as the ocean waves, the universe peoples." Wait what?

I'm not a philosopher, and neither are these next couple of twinks. Not in a million years. But they sure do make me glad that I'm 30 and not a 15 year old punk that thinks he's knows everything.

It appears that the main dude has a half-mustache on the left side of his face. Not sure if that's a zit-stache, actual unshaven stubble or a combination of the two.

The only thing I can hope is that PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! doesn't turn out as horrible those dipshits.

And what kind of a PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! HUMP DAY PUMP UP would this be if we didn't close out the PUMP with a couple words from Uncle Socrates?!?!

I had no idea that Socrates was a modern day drunk with frosted tips and his cousin's visor from 1996. Weird!

Watch the videos, laugh, take in a couple nuggets of wisdom, be a better person, CRUSH the rest of this week. And come back tomorrow because I've got one of my world famous movie reviews coming up.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! ethical theories

Knowing for some time now that I was going to be doing a PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! this fall, I had been doing a little bitta Googling philosophy-related words, icons and ideas. You know, in the hopes that I might find a real nugget.

Quick little disclaimer: I want to make clear that I'm not professing to be an expert in philosophy.

Anyway, in this scientific research, I came across a couple main ethical theories I'd like to talk about today, ones that you are most likely to be familiar with, however consciously: Deontology, Utilitarianism and Pragmatic Ethics.


Note: not to be confused with Dianetics.

Please allow me to break it down for you: "Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law." Most obvious example, and being religious is not a prerequisite for deontology, is obeying a word of a chosen God or religion.

Basically, following duties or rules, like the ten commandments, is moral, without worrying so much about the consequences.

Like, take the tenth commandment - do not covet your neighbor's wife...or any stuff your God has bestowed upon your neighbor, or friend, or coworker, or whatever, you get it. But in the literal case of the the dude banging his neighbor's wife, the immoral deontologist asks, "wait, is it still coveting if I think she's ugly and I was kind of drunk and she was totally DTF?"


John Stuart Mill explains that Utilitarianism is simply the act that produces the most good for the most people. He also famously said to the two drunk chicks that just stumbled into the bar at his bachelor party: "Blowjobs for everybody!"

Clearly he gets his own philosopheez.

What's in it for you? Dude, if you look at Utilitarianism, under the Consequentialism tree, climb just one branch over and you'll find Egoism. Climb yet another branch over and you'll find another weirdo playing with his pud. Egoism, that's what's in it for you. Read on.

Basically it's the most good for either you (egoism) or everybody involved (utilitarianism). Let's look at the example of Mr. Mill's bachelor party from before, you know, to really drive the point home.

So John (Stuart Mill) is chillin' at the local watering hole with a couple (nine) of his closest philosobros, just bachelor partyin' it up, when those wayward drunk slores stumbled in. Being the good utilitarian bro that he is, he orders a round of Beej's for his friends, on the slores' human capital dime.

The egoist says, from Mill's perspective, "fuck yeah", homeboy get's a sloppy one from a chick, and all his crusty-ass pals do too. #winning

The utilitarian sees a whole lot of good for the most (ten bros), however unfortunately, at the expense of the least (two hos). Whoever said "bros before hos" just may be a utilitarian.

Pragmatic Ethics

John Dewey is the name most associated with Pragmatic Ethics. What does it mean? It means that ethical pragmatists believe that much like science, the morals of a society are constantly in flux, never quite complete. As the society moves forward, their ethics and morals will be updated.

Why should you give a shit? Because it's the ultimate "you're wrong, suck a fat one." While I can't think of many things that are more subjective than philosophy and ethics and morals 'n shit, it's hard to argue with lab-tested S.C.I.E.N.C.E. And dropping science references, or even just saying the word "science" in arguments is a surefire way to win.

Let's look at a common real-life sitch: your college girlfriend of six months won't indulge your scat fetish? Easy, take the philosophical high road, and gently explain to her that while yeah, right now shawtie ain't down with the brown, her opinion on the matter is incomplete and just hasn't quite evolved to where it's supposed to be.

So baby-girl that's hardly a solid reason for you to not let me dump all over you.

Think PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! sucks so far? I don't think tomorrow's PHILOSOPUMP is going to do anything to change that!

Monday, October 3, 2011


Welcome to the first edition of PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! What exactly is PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!!, you ask? Well it's going to be a week-worth of posts, somehow related to philosophy, however tangential.

It could be a random thought I had while at the gym, driving in traffic, watching a movie, whatever. I'm not promising anything novel or earth-shattering, just a general, very general, theme to this week's posts. One thing you can be sure of is that I will use PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! as a soap box to act better than you.

You won't find any utilitarianism here, folks. It's all about ME ME ME and what I have to say, turds.

Having recently lost my job, I was trying to think of excuses for myself, trying to find a scapegoat for my failures. Naturally, the last thing I want to do is blame myself, when it would be so much easier to just have a meltdown and lash out at others.

Besides, do I really want to come crying home to my hot, successful, smart wife all "wah wah I got fired?" Nah.

So I came up with a relatively happy medium, taking some of the blame directly off me, personally, and while still managing to deflect some of it still at me, though impersonally:

We're all human and many of our problems in life come as a product of humanity - our own humanity.

Yes, there are malicious people out to get you, but many times, our failures, our shortcomings, come from our natural human nature that leads us into the unpromised land of failure once in a while. It could be a multitude of things (forgetfulness, not being able to finish strong, procrastination, you being a fucking idiot, whatever), all things that we are mostly likely, at least acutely aware of, no matter how subconsciously. Probably things, bad habits, that we even want to fix.

The dude who gets fired at work doesn't get shit-canned because his boss loves to go around firing people. He got canned because he can't control his own impulsive, carnal urges that force him to whack off at his cube, in the women's bathroom again, in the conference room, everywhere. That's certainly not to defend his actions (though heck yeah, man as a corporate entity, completely and fully supports workplace-whackin'), this was just the first appropriate example that came to mind, not to mention what kind of spurred this partic'ler post.

And realizing that people are just human, many times not out there to specifically cause you harm by putting their own interests above yours, might be a great first step to reconciling the unsavory acts of others. The pain we may perceive as a supposed victim may merely be a byproduct of the poor decisions, the ignorance of another, or even many times, our own goddamn fault. Take a closer look; think about it objectively for once and you might see that you fucked up.

As humans, we are quick to judge, to first pretend that we are above reproach, that we are above succumbing to whatever it is that we are judging. We fail to put ourselves in another's shoes, instead deciding that we would never stoop to that level.

"I would never take a broad on a date to the movies, order a large tub of popcorn, cut a hole in the bottom, set it on my lap, and stick my wiener up through that hole. Yeah, I would never do that."

While many of us wouldn't, many still do.

But also easier said than done: not using that fallible-human defense as a crutch to defend our own excesses, poor choices, and dastardly deeds is a tough habit to break. My vices, bad habits or unacceptable offenses against humanity cannot be easily brushed aside with the "I'm only human" explanation, the same way I can't laugh off me repeatedly yelling at my wife over spilled milk because, "I have faults, man; I'm not perfect."

Also because my wife is awesome and doesn't care when I spill milk. In fact, after grocery shopping yesterday, I took each of the three brand spankin' new gallons of 1% milk just bought and threw them at the TV because THE HOUSTON TEXANS FUCKING KEEP DRAWING FLAGS WHEN RETURNING BLOCKED KICKS AND INTERCEPTIONS FOR TOUCHDOWNS AND THEY'RE MY FANTASY FOOTBALL DEFENSE THIS WEEK, and heckyeahwoman didn't even get mad.

Because of the nature of most crappy things that happen on an interpersonal level, everyday things - talking about actions sans any real malice - to spend time being crushed by the weight of the transgressions of another, or even circumstances truly beyond your control is to not be fully engaged in life.

And that kind of sucks.