Wednesday, June 29, 2011

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: BRUSSEL SPROUTS

Wait what?

Yeah, remember that icky green vegetable you hated when you were a kid? Well now that we're adults, we've come to appreciate the PUMPINESS in each leafy morsel of green PUMP.

That's right, twinks, we're gonna eat our veggies and kick the shit outta the rest of this short week. Headin' into the holiday, there's only one way to celebrate 'Murica, and that's with guns, fireworks and tons of BRUSSEL SPROUTS. Not in that order, though.

Look at that fat pile of PUMP, ready to be cut in half, seasoned and cooked with some garlic!














Nice wicker basket too, weirdos! Nothing would PUMP me up more than runnin' my hands through them B-sproutz! You ever had one raw before? Not that awesome, but not that bad either.

You do the math!

Speaking of cooking them with garlic, look immediately below, and feel your mouth water.













The other day at work I was CRUSHING some roasted Heckyeahwoman-made Brussel Sprouts and my coworkers could tell I was PUMPED from the pure PUMPY TASTINESS of the situation.

A grown man enjoying every delicious bite.

Yeah, they were microwaved leftovers, but that didn't stop the PUMP...or the RUSH OF FRESH PUMPY FLAVOR. Also worth nothing: the chicken HYW has made for me the past couple weeks has been perfect. So juicy, so moist, so cooked to perfection that I am just beside myself as I savor every PUMP filled bite. WOW!

Just when you didn't think you could get more PUMPED from a vegetable, I bring you a hot chick preparing Brussel Sprouts! OK, hot in the sense that if she lost 20 lbs, didn't have such a huge mouth, had bigger boobs, didn't smoke a pack a day and have the smoker's gravelly voice to match.

But otherwise pretty hot!

Slores cooking veggies PUMPS ME UP!




Yeah and I know I mentioned the Fourth of July coming up, so we probably better get our PATRIOTIC PUMP POPPING for all you marginally patriotic turds out there.




Do you have any idea how hard it was, or how long it took, to browse youtube for three minutes to find a song about guns, without one mention of God, George Bush or other stuff? It's actually impossible. But this is about as good as it gets.

And the video is awesome. I like guns.

Monday, June 27, 2011

yeah, another weekend wrap up

Yo so most of last week I was just looking forward to the dude daytrip to Cabela's on Saturday. Just gotta make it through Friday fursss.

So we'll start with Friday.

A little backstory first: I always bring peanuts to work, to eat, and these moochy motherfuckers are always trying to eat my peanuts. Some guys bring food, buy beer, whatever, so I don't mind sharing. But some guys don't. They'll hear the familiar rattle of the peanuts in the plastic jar and make their way over to my desk.

But the funny (read: tacky) thing is the way they ask for some. Like if you make a joke about "a hand full of your nuts", "tasting your nuts", or some other stupid innuendo, like that makes you less of a fucking mooch? Get real.

Next time it's gonna be, "wait, you know what? What the fuck have you ever done for me? Fuck you".

Long story short, it came to a head on Friday afternoon, when a couple fruitloops accused me of "whining" about people eating my peanuts. First off, I don't whine.

I demand.

I insult.

I command, destroy, put down, stand tall, eyeball and look away in disgust. But I don't whine.

I guess I don't really care about sharing my peanuts. Christ, they're on sale at Kroger all the time, it's not like sharing a handful of nuts with some ungrateful dudebros is gonna be the end of the world or something. It's just something I thought I should bring up here.

So Friday, got home from work, went to some fancy bar for a drink, a cheese plate and a turkey sandwich. Yeah for real. Then went back to our friends' crib, played some vids, chilled, enjoyed the nice weather and chilled some more. Good time, nothing crazy.

Saturday morning, woke up quick at about noon just thought that I had to be in Compton soon. Haha just kidding, woke up at like 10:30, had some coffee, and feverishly awaited our excursion to Cabela's. Was hoping to get up early enough to sneak in a bike ride before we left at 1, but that didn't happen.

Dude didn't get to my place till 2, rather than 1, so turns out I could have gone for A FUCKING BIKE RIDE SO I PHYSICALLY VERBALLY BERATED HIM IN THE CAR THE ENTIRE TRIP DOWN THERE. Actually I didn't.

Totally had forgotten about it because I was so PUMPED.

First we went to Toledo, OH. Yes, we had to go to OH to buy fireworks, and yes, we drove past the Cabela's. Brutal.

It was insane, this fireworks store. Right when we walked in, they stopped us so we could register.

Yeah, register.

They got my license, my credit card, my SSN and I had to sign an official looking document that I wasn't a weirdo and that I'd take the fireworks out of the state of OH within 48 hours. Weird little operation you people have got.

Three dudes, $140 later, we had a trunk full of sweet fireworks.

Next stop: Cinco de Mayo, some shitty Mexican restaurant right off the highway. Nommed some mexitreats and had some Daiquiris. A nice little treat indeed.

Cabela's here we come! Got there and it was instantly awesome. I wound up buying a fishing pole, a couple lures and a fishing license. Oh yeah, and I applied for a Cabela's credit card so I could get $15 off my purchase. Hey, the recession hits everybody, man.

My friends thought I was crazy for doing that, but yo, I'm sorry, I don't like to spend needless money (after we bought a bunch of fireworks lol).

Speaking of needless money, let me tell you about the fuckaroo that was me purchasing a MICHIGAN FISHING LICENSE WOW THAT PISSED ME OFF.

Turns out, because my driver's license says FL, I had to buy a nonresident one, like $19 more or something. What a pain in the ass. Don't worry, I've only been living in MI since August, and will be here for a while. It's valid for a year, is there that much a black market for MI fishing licenses?

Why do I even need a state sponsored fishing license? I have my own all-purpose license: a 6 inch barrel .357 magnum. That thing pretty much gives me the right to fish, hunt, drive, live and/or do whatever the hell I want. Whenever I want.

Some pussy ass DNR dude gonna come up to me all mumblin' for me to whip out my fishing license? I'm gonna whip out my piece and take care of this the old fashioned way.

CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP

So yeah, by the time I left Cabela's I was sweaty as fuck (I sweat when I get pissed and spend money) but still PUMPED to use my fishing pole soon.

Got loaded Saturday night when we got back into town.

Fast forward to Sunday: it was beautiful, went on a great bike ride. Then I went shopping.

Yes, I had an Old Navy Groupon for like $20. Bought a couple sweet swim suits and some flip flops.

Next, headed to DSW Shoe Warehouse and found some awesome, cheap moccasins. Total WIN.

Had some great purchases this weekend. But it's pretty sad that the highlight of my weekend revolves around shopping.

FML 4real.

Friday, June 24, 2011

couple things here

Just read an interesting article about Ron Artest. Yeah, he has recently filed legal paperwork to change his name to Metta World Peace. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but it's for "personal reasons".

I think it's probably because he's a dipshit.

Normally I wouldn't consider a "man" who has won an NBA championship, made millions of dollars, and been recognized for outstanding service and dedication to his community a dipshit, but I think we can make that case relatively easily.

As the article noted, he sparked the biggest brawl in NBA history by acting like an animal and fighting fans. I guess the more I think about it, I think him chasing a couple fans up into the stands and fighting them is pretty awesome.

Dude went feral on those poor fans lol.



But back to his name change.

No word yet on whether he misspelled "meta" lol or rather his jersey will have "World Peace" or "Peace" on the back.

Though I think that this might explain President Obama's weak Afghanistan pull-out: he may have had advance knowledge of Artest's name change and was counting on that to actually usher in a new era of world peace.

OK, real quick, you tell me, is that hot dog Dunn or not?















You decide!

Sick BURNS!

Zing!


Totally unrelated, but still awesome, and a great way to creep into your weekend: a band, Hostage Calm, is offering their new album for free download. All you have to do is the right thing.

They drafted an email to NY's Senators and you just throw in your name and email address, click submit and you'll be prompted to download the album!

FREE DOWNLOAD!

Please note that I hate equality, tolerance and open minds.

OK last thing, on Saturday, my friend and I will be making the hour long trek down to Toledo, OH to purchase fireworks. Then we're gonna stop at the Cabela's and buy a bunch of outdoorsy stuff, like fishing licenses and maybe a Bear Grylls survival knife.

If I'm feeling saucy, I might pick up a fishing pole. Think about that for a minute. Imagine the blog potential of me fishing. You ever seen me fillet a fish before? You ever eaten a fish that I filleted before? Pure bones.

When I was a kid, my dad would go back and refillet the fish that my brother and I cut up lol. It was kind of like when my dad would field dress a deer, my brother would go back and re-field dress it. And by re-field dress it, I mean roll around in the gut pile until we got yelled at.

Our outdoors phase didn't last long lol.

I'll keep you posted on the Cabela's finds!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: JUNGLE ROT

Wait what?

No, not the TROPICAL ULCER:











THE DEATH METAL BAND:



Feel that grimace at 0:09, then feel it again at 0:19. It's like, when you're watching a band, at the peak of their PUMP, and they're rocking out, jamming so hard for you, and throwing out grimaces that hard, that early in the song, you know you're in for a PUMP-filled ride.

For real do, if I'm taking in some live music, and I don't get 5 solid grimaces in the first minute of their first song, I can't promise that I'll stick around for the rest of the set.

And I'm definitely not buying an overpriced t-shirt (but I will help myself to a couple free stickers, motherPUMPers).

These dudes are even grimacing between words. Try coordinating your vocals with well placed grimaces. Yeah, good luck, chumps.

If that doesn't work, revel in the mid-paced, old school death metal glory that Jungle Rot is so PUMPED to share with you:



Aside from the potentially seizure-inducing strobe lights being reflected off the guitars, there really isn't much else PUMPWORTHY about Jungle Rot. I have a sneaking suspicion that the majority of readers don't care about 90's style death metal. And that's cool.

It's like at work I keep trying to get this hipster chick into the band Hate Eternal. I try PUMPING it up (no pun intended) to her, saying how awesome the new album is. I even IM'd her the new single.

Nothing.

I don't think she understands the name "Hate Eternal". She, like most chicks, is probably and understandably put off by the word "hate". Fair enough.

I even told her this elaborate, detailed story of how I first put the cd in my car's cd player and how blown away I was by how brutal the production is. Seriously devastating, folks. Listen to this song:



Is that not one of the most devastating things you've ever heard? The whole album is nonstop BLASTING. Luckily, they threw a little dynamics into that tune, not much though lol.

Whatever, people eventually grow out of Pitchfork-jocked bullshit like The National and TV on the Radio, right?

Right?

Right?

Monday, June 20, 2011

first things first

A year ago yesterday, I married my wife. It's been a fantastic year. Bottom line: Thank you so much for not divorcing me.

With that said, we had kind of a tame anniversary weekend, as the in-laws were in town for business. Don't worry, we'll be getting rowdy one of the upcoming weekends.

I think the main thing I want to talk about today is the movie we viewed Saturday Night: True Grit.

Note that I haven't seen the original, and the following is under the assumption that the original was better.

Alternate, more appropriate titles for True Grit:

True Shit
Disney Presents: True Grit
Truly Not Gritty
Pixar's True Grit
True Grit, as performed by the cast from The Vagina Monologues

Stay with me here. If you've seen it, you should be easily able to smell what I'm cooking here; there was absolutely nothing gritty about this movie. In fact, even if you stripped away the candy-coated sheen from the film, you'd still have a watered down shitfest.

I like westerns, yes Dad, you were right - I did grow to appreciate the western movies you always enjoyed. I was wrong; you were right. You were also right that I would grow out of that "crybaby liberal somebody hold my hand cause I'm a pussy" phase I went through in college. *My words, not yours.

OK, so the premise of the movie is a 14 year old girl seeking justice for the man that gunned down her pappy. Fair enough, sounds like a strong plot. Well, when you take 45 minutes to get into any action, and the only attention grabber is the quick-witted girl outsmarting a couple old cowboys, that's not a good sign.

We rented a movie called TRUE GRIT, not TRUE DRAMA. That some Sean Penn bullshit right there, and he wasn't even in the movie.

So the girl was good, though by the third scene she was in, her wit was wearing a little thin, cause - and I'm not sure if you know this cause you probably weren't there - but in the wild west, the fastest way to silence a smart mouth was either with a good backhand or a .357 mag to the dome.

Neither happened. How unGRITTY.

Jeff Bridges nailed his role, but I wonder if that was less a character role, and more him playing him in real life. Only with guns, horses, and Josh Brolin & Matt Damon.

Oh Matt Damon, I almost forgot about you! Here's the thing, in a western movie, the men should be men. And not sure what happened here, but there isn't a whole lot that's manly about Matt Damon. Yeah, the Bourne movies were pretty bad ass, but that's choreographed martial arts shit, not manly cowboy shit. Matt Damon, you wrote and starred in Good Will Hunting with Ben Affleck, get the fuck OUTTA HERE.

Love the scene where the little girl uses her daddy's revolver to shoot the villain, Josh Brolin. Very cool, this could have been awesome. She blasts him in the arm or something. After realizing the lack of sweet fatality, she shoots him again. Only the gun jams.

That's why YOU USE A FUCKING REVOLVER BECAUSE THEY DON'T JAM.

Usually gratuitous violence is a good thing, right? But at the end of the movie Jeff Bridges is stabbing the poor, innocent horse with a knife to make it run faster. Then when it collapses, to add insult to injury, he fucking shoots it. I didn't watch this movie to see assholes torture and murder a horse, I watched it to see cowboys get DESTROYED.

This isn't all negative as there were two pretty sweet moments, and they happened within seconds of each other, so they weren't even spaced out far enough to have any actual redeeming value: dude gets multiple fingers cut off with one single knife-slashing, then he gets stabbed in the chest. Very cool. Then the dude doing the cutting gets a revolver load to THE FACE. And they showed the bullet wound too. But I think in reality, his head would have EXPLODED from being show at such POINT BLANK RANGE.

That was about the extent of the violence, as the the entire movie seemed to have the Disney, kid-friendly sheen over it. I don't remember much cursing, or anything too offensive, no grit. Seriously, if it was cartoonified, this could have been a Pixar movie.

Whatever, I drank whiskey straight and wore my holstered .357 magnum the entire time while watching it*. Cause that's what truly gritty men do: When things get too Disney, they sit down, shut up, drink whiskey, and wait for an excuse to shoot their gun.



*I also had my double barrel 12 gauge laying across my lap, loaded, just in case.

Friday, June 17, 2011

but the research says

There has been some research in Canada, and I hate to associate MSNBC and MSN or Keith Olbermann with anything scientific, factual or relevant, but where was I now? Oh yeah, some doctors did a study and found that, and I'm serious - check the link for proof, that large amounts of people staying inside during a hockey game reduces the amount of visits to the emergency room.

That's right, by watching hockey games you lower your chance for an ER visit.

For real?

So staying indoors for three hours is going to cut down on having to go to the hospital? By not being out doing dangerous things like leaving your tiny studio apartment and facing the dangers of the outside world, you are actually safer?

Was money spent on this study? Goddamn, hopefully there wasn't a grant involved. Hey taxpayers, you just footed the bill for some of the crappiest research ever! Sorry lol!

Whose novel idea was this? Maybe it was just doctors killing time while bored at the ER. As reported, visits dropped way off during the game cited in the study.

Maybe it's not the study that's so bad. It could be the mind numbing write up. I think I'm actually dumber for reading that.

Holy shit, the scientists I know would piss all over this lousy bullshit that is being passed off as a scientific study. Yeah, they'd get out their SigmaPlot software, beakers and plethysmographs and hit the lab with a huge pot of coffee and wouldn't leave until they massaged data to say what they want it to say.

One last thing, my wife is a doctor, and she wanted me to note that not all doctors are Canadian.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

HDPU: AWESOME MOVIES FROM LAST WEEKEND

So smell this. Last weekend, Sunday to be exact, I was chilling, doing some cleaning when I lurked the TV guide to see what was on. Imagine my excitement when I saw Lean on Me and The Principal. Two awesome 1980's movies from the 80's that I've seen millions of times.

And they're both about principals reclaiming their respective schools. First up, we had Morgan Freeman cleaning up his school, Gandhi-style. Yes, Black God peacefully cleans up his school, while blissfully unaware of his future incest scandal - in real life.

No biggie.

This PUMP is going to PUMP YOU UP from multiple angles: YO WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT DRUGS HERE, AN ADULT IS TALKING FORCEFULLY TO A CHILD, A CHILD CRIES, AND MORGAN FREEMAN IS YELLING AT THE KID TO KILL HIMSELF.

Don't believe me? Get PUMPED:



Don't know about you, but that's the kind of stuff PUMPDREAMS are made out of.

Imagine the joy if you were in Morgan Freeman's shoes in that scene. Yelling at some punk kid about crack and killing himself. GO'ON JUMP! More like, GO'ON PUMP!

This next one is short and sweet, seven seconds (not the band) of hilarity.




SOME GUY'S BEATIN' UP KID RAY! Kind of a random little tidbit, but when taken out of context it's kind of silly. Not Kid Ray! OMG!

Shut up trick before I fill you fulla PUMP.

Next movie, IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD, was The Principal, starring Jim Belushi as a bad ass high school principal. Funny, I always thought of Jim Belushi being bad ass more in the "fighting mountains of coke with his nose" kinda sense.

But sure enough, he kicks some kids' asses, gets his students PUMPED about being students and rides a motorcycle.

And you know what, there weren't any good youtube clips of The Principal, or even his right hand man, Louis Gossett Jr.

Yeah, and I even searched for Iron Eagle clips too, but nothing PUMPWORTHY.

Let's push this PUMP over the edge with something totally unrelated, but wholly PUMPWORTHY: my favorite football announcer announcing Marshawn Lynch's INSANE run from last year's playoff game against the Saints. The PUMP speaks for itself.





DARREN SHARPER HOLD MAH DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Monday, June 13, 2011

weekend wrap-up

Another nice little weekend in the books.

Closed out Friday with a no-show appointment at work. This crazy lady always wants to meet late in the day (she's out in CA, so I understand the time zonez), but her insistence on meeting at 4pm on a Friday afternoon is beyond me.

Also on Friday afternoon, I went to the eye doctor for the first time in probably ten years! The good news is that my eyes work really well still and I don't need glasses.

The bad news is that I don't need glasses and I'm going to have to keep wearing these hipster horn-rimmed fake spectacles for nothing more than aesthetic purposes. The image, man.

More bad news: the eye tests were insane. Dude did "lid flips" on me. Picture what that means for a second.

Me eyelid being flipped over, while the guy pokes and prods at my optical sensors. Then the bright lights were shined in my face repeatedly, not that cool. Though I did enjoy the actual vision tests, it's always fun trying to identify the smallest line of letters and then arguing with the tech because I can FUCKING SEE THAT "B" CLEARLY EVEN THOUGH ITS SO BLURRY AND SMALL AND SHE HAD A PERFECT, UNOBSTRUCTED VIEW ON HER COMPUTER OH IT'S AN "E"? I'm sorry, my bad.

Jumping ahead - Friday night for dinner, Heckyeahwoman made a fantastic homemade pepperoni pizza as well as homemade breadsticks. Both were insane. Ate the ferk outta them. I swear, someday when I open my own Dairy Queen, I'm going to have Heckyeahwoman sell her homemade pizzas there. #PIZZABONER

Because HYW fell asleep on the couch, we only watched part of Thank You For Smoking, and it was actually really good. Will probably finish it sometime in the next week or so.

Funny how they lump guns in there with booze and cigarettes - using a firearm is the same as intentionally poisoning your own body. If you've seen the movie, the gun rep guy was the crazy, hillbilly one. Cause you've gotta be crazy and rural to own a gun, right. IF LIBERALS WEREN'T SUCH CRYBABY PUSSIES AFRAID OF THEIR OWN SHADOW I WOULDN'T BE WAVING THIS FUCKING SAWED-OFF AROUND.

Even with all that nonsense, the movie was pretty good and it's nice to have a winner pop up in a long string of shitty Netflix and Redbox epic fails. Not that we haven't finished it yet, so there is potential for me to go on a blogging bender about how shitty the ending was. #WARNED

Anyway, that streak ended of course on Saturday night when we went to rent Step Brothers from the Redbox. Why we didn't instead choose to finish the movie from Friday night is beyond me. Whatevs, they didn't have Step Brothers (a guaranteed winner) and there were people lining up behind us, so we made a snap decision and chose Due Date. Zack Galifianakis, Robert Downey Jr.? Should be like The Hangover, right?

No. Not at all.

I've never seen Mr. Galifianakis' stand up comedy before, but he was hilarious in The Hangover. Unfortunately, he was not hilarious in Due Date. See, he pretty much stole his character from The Hangover, and repeated it line for line, nuance for nuance, everything, verbatim. After three minutes of screen time for his character, you realize you're dealing with a one-dimensional actor who wishes he was as funny as Tom Green.

Basically Zack Galifianakis is Tom Green-lite, for dimwits. Man, I wish Tom Green was still around.

Aside from that, the plot had holes, it was predictable, the laughs were generally pretty cheap and where the movie could have come through, it didn't: not one boob. A pregnant boob, a random tit shot, anything to save this movie would have been appreciated.

And remember last week how I was so PUMPED about the IRON GYM PULL UP BAR? Well I was chillin' at CVS on Friday night and guess what I spied there...for $10 less than what Target stole from me?

Yep, the IRON GYM PULL UP BAR. So temped to try to finagle a return money back boondoggle, but ultimately just said "ferk it".

Friday, June 10, 2011

so last week

So you probably read the article last week about the suicidal dude who walked out into the San Fransisco Bay, and waited. "And waited" - no kidding, their words, not mine. Dude wanted to kill himself, so we walked out into cold ass water, up to his neck, and started just chilling.

Literally.

Lol, he spent like an hour in the 54 degree water before being yanked out, DAF (dead as fuck). The local rescue crews didn't have the resources or training to save him. So he died.

I'm failing to see how the death of a guy that wants to die is a bad thing. Is it a bad thing when I want ice cream and then I go and get ice cream? Is that bad too?

Like if it was a kid that accidentally got swept out to sea, I can totally understand the uproar over not having the budget or resources for a rescue. But it was some dude that deliberately chose to kill himself for our (my) amusement. Kudos, brah.

Reminds me of the time when I was about 6 and my friend ***** was having his birthday party at the roller rink. At that age, we all had our birthday parties at the roller rink. Anyway, midway through, they always asked you what your favorite song was, then they called you out onto the middle of the rink, said some gay happy birthday stuff to you, and then played whatever stupid song you chose.

Only this little turd had a different idea.

When asked about his favorite song, he enthusiastically shouted out "La Bamba!". I would know cause I was crushing a pepperoni pizza right there with him when he yelled the name of Lou Diamond Phillips' signature tune right into my ear.. Sure as crap, in about 5 minutes they played La Bamba.

Thing is, instead of the naive euphoria a 6 year old should feel upon hearing La Bamba, or whatever their 1980's favorite song would be, little ***** broke out into goddamn hysterics - crying, yelling, falling on the floor and rolling around a little bit.

Even 6 year old me knew the blog-potential at that point - the stuff of dreams, indeed.

The point is this: you can't request La Bamba, wait till it starts playing, and then have a temper tantrum because you now want to hear some Beach Boys. I don't give a crap if you're 6 and handed everything you silver spoon little prick, or if you're 50 and suicidal.

You made your goddamn bed, now you lie in it. Just in some instances that bed is more permanent than others lol.

OK, I understand that both true stories aren't exactly parallel. Where the suicidal man showed no signs of changing his mind, little ***** did, but this was honestly the best vehicle I could think of to tell my roller rink story.

So now I ask you, little *****, in the words of my favorite homosexual frontman: "Where's your anger, where's your fuckin' rage?"

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: IRON GYM

SPIT JUST GOT REAL - REALLY PUMPED



THE IRON GYM CHANGED MY LIFE AND I'VE ONLY HAD IT SINCE SUNDAY. AND IT'S ONLY BEEN FUNCTIONAL SINCE SUNDAY AROUND 5PM.

Picked that bad boy up at Target for like $30. Talked about a PUMP FILLED ride home, amirite or amirite?!?!?!

NO KIDDING, IT WAS ALL I COULD DO TO LEAVE MY HOUSE FOR A WORKOUT WHEN THAT THING WAS SITTING ON MY COUCH, OPENED UP, PARTS ALL OVER THE COUCH, JUST BEGGING TO BE PUT TOGETHER.

But I had to get out in this beautiful weather, ya smell me.

But didn't you buy that thing so you could do workouts at home, instead of at the gym, or...gulp, outside, you ask? PUMP NO!!!

I BOUGHT THAT THING SO I COULD DO WORKOUTS ANY TIME, ANY WHERE.

WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK? PUMP

WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING? POUND OUT 10 PULLUPS

AFTER I RELEASE THE BOWEL-KRAKEN? PUSHUP TIME

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF TYPING UP A HDPU? OH YEAH, HOLD UP BRB

And what better way to do millions of pull ups than with TURNSTILE'S DEATH GRIP BLASTING IN MY FACE HECK YEAH GET PUMPED AS THESE DUDES JACK YOU UP WITH THE SMOOTHEST MODERN HARDCORE JAMZ THIS SIDE OF TRAPPED UNDER ICE



SONG IS SO HARD, GOT ME PUMPED.

But how PUMPED, you ask?

THIS PUMPED:



OK, maybe not that PUMPED, cause I don't totally trust it not breaking yet, but someday soon I will. And when that day comes, I'll be ready.

You sick of your shitty life? Don't be silly, of course you are!

You wish you could be as awesome as me and not give a FO? We both know it!

Only one way to remedy the wicked lack of PUMP in your life: GET THE IRON GYM.

I hate to shill for the assholes that charged me $30 for a couple pieces of steel, some plastic, a couple screws, some foam handles and the simple application of PHYSICS so I can get RIPPED at home, but yo, this is the REAL DEAL.

And you know what they say: REAL RECOGNIZES REAL, 'specially when Ice-T is yelling it:



YO ITS SO REAL. Seriously listen to that song and try not to get PUMPED. IMPOSSIBLE.

Last words - RIDE THE PUMP AND END THIS WEEK HARD

Monday, June 6, 2011

weekend wrapull up

It's Sunday night and I just texted my wife to see if she was interested in hitting Dairy Queen with me.

She's working in the other room; it was either texting or hitting her on Google Chat. Avoiding personal, face to face conversation OMG.

So we walked to the Q and it was fantastic, what a perfect way to cap off the beautiful weekend. Speaking of the weekend, let's have a quick rundown of the best bits of the last couple days.

Friday morning, got to my car to head to work and saw that it was keyed. Yeah, some fucker keyed my car on the driver's side doors. It's funny, obviously there was malice behind it, he thought he was gonna piss me off, but he was WRONG, MOTHERFUCKER.

What he forgot to consider is that my car is HARD AS NAILS, just like the owner. Yeah, you can scratch the surface all day but those scratches just look like battle scars - battle scars earned by being more awesome than the jealous shits out there that wish they were me.

If you think some pussyass keyjob is going to rile me up, you're wrong. If you want to play with the big boyz, you gotta do big boy things. Let me lay it out for you, keyjob dicksniffer: in this world of shit, you're the dingelberry.

And sooner or later you're gonna get WIPED.

So after that embarrassing attempt at pissing me off, I stopped sweating and went to work. Haha, just kidding I didn't really stop sweating. Wound up grilling out for lunch, playing like 5 games of cornhole and sucking down a couple brewskies. Nice little Friday, beautiful day too.

Got home with every intention of painting this town red, but in reality just took a nap. C'mon now, Heckyeahwoman was taking a nap, and it was hard for me to resist. SO WE NAPPED.

After deciding to stay in, we ordered pizza (JET'S PIZZA ALL DAY), and put in the Netflix we had chilling for a week or two. The good news is that we had a movie, that bad news is that it was Capote, starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

I know I usually do write ups about all the shitty ass movies we watch, and well, this one was no different. It was horrible. Have you ever watched a movie about a guy writing a book? That's what it was, no kidding. It was a movie about a guy writing a book. And the guy writing the book just happened to have the most smarmy, annoying voice ever.

Want your mind blown real quick? I'm going to write a book about a guy making a movie.

(((M I N D B L (((O))) N)))

I know, right.

So yeah, long story short: the movie was so boring that I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up, it was still on! STILL ON. That's how boring it was.

Saturday was wonderful: a great bike ride, shopping, nice little party at with our friends.

Shopping was great, we had 40% off coupons for Banana Republic, so I bought a sweet pair of shorts that I'm probably never going to wear. They fit great, but they're blue khaki shorts and while I had the best of intentions in purchasing them, when I got home, I realized I just don't have any shirts that don't look horrible with them. Just not my style. So I'm going to return them. HYW got a great new black tank top. It's awesome cause she doesn't already have 500 million black tank tops.

Next, JCP had 15% off the entire store so I picked up a couple $7 t-shirts, ferk yeah. And holy crap, this is where what is arguably the pinnacle of the weekend happened.

So I was just chilling in the men's section at JCP and I hear some squabbling. Thinking it was just some teenage couple, I chuckled to myself and thought nothing of it. But the back and forth was getting slightly louder as they approached me. Right as I turn around to tell them to "SHUT THE FERK UP BEFORE THEY GET SHUT THE FERK UP", I see an overweight, kinda balding 40 year old guy tell his 75+ year old mother, "Mom, I'm fuckin' old enough to pick out my own fuckin' clothes".

HOLY LOL! Not sure what his deal was: he could have just been an asshole, his mom could have actually been trying to pick out his clothes for him or maybe he was having a bad day.

Got home, tried to stop sweating (yeah right), ate a quick bite, then headed over to our friends' place for dinner and dranks. You like how I ate before dinner? *** made tacos and they were delicious.

Had fun with our friends, **** made me do three double vodka shots in about 2 hours.

Hello Sunday morning, hello hangover.

Didn't stop me from heading to Target to pick up the Iron Gym pullup bar! Didn't stop me from pounding out thousands of pullups through the rest of Sunday night. Didn't stop me from going on a bad ass bike ride to this fitness trail thing, running for .2 miles, almost puking, then just walking the rest of the way while sweating profusely, and sprinkling a few pushups in so I didn't feel like it was total wasted effort.

Friday, June 3, 2011

quick memorial day rundown

Yeah so Heckyeahwoman and I went out to the mountains over Memorial Day weekend - her for an academic conference for scientists and professors...me to get fucked up with my buddy and climb mountains.

So my friend was kind enough to drive down to Denver to pick us up, drop HYW at her hotel downtown, and drive my awesome ass back to Laramie, WY. That's WYoming, not WYsconsin fyi.

I'll keep this wrap up brief, but on Friday we snowshoed down a mountain. Then right back up the goddamn mountain. While I'd say the snowshoeing was a good idea, getting loaded Thursday night and attempting to do it with a hangover was a bad one.

You ever see the CEO of HYM dot com dryheaving on a mountain? Well I know two people and two dogs that did.

Afterward, it was a good thing that we stopped at the base of the mountain for a couple beers and GREEN CHILI PIZZA WHATS UP.

You ever see the CEO of HYM dot com get a raging FOODBONER? Yeah, I know.

Next day we hiked up another mountain range, did some bouldering and I got mud on my jeans. It was awesome. Tried to not be so hungover, good choice.

Sunday we went whitewater rafting, and I guess you could say that was the pinnacle of the trip. The water was like 42 degrees, so we were bundled up in wetsuits (with the booties!), fleece pullovers, splash jackets, life vests and helmets. For me, I'd say the highlight of the rafting trip was hurdling down class 4+ rapids backwards and taking a drop that is taller than me...while the guide is screaming at us at the top of her lungs.

Good thing she (the guide) told us right before that rapid that if we fell out, we probably wouldn't survive lol.

Laramie, where my friend and his wife live, is a really cool town. There's a college there, about 27 thousand people and all the bars we went to were really awesome. The foods were tasty, the multiple breweries (again, in a town of 27k!) were fantastic and my friends were really hospitable.

I know I kind of glazed over a bunch of stuff, but do you really want to read about me and my buddy calling each other gay in front of his wife? Do you really want to read about how vulgar and obnoxious we got at the bar each night? Do you really want to read about me watching the movie Step Brothers with really low expectations, but then having my mind blown by how hilarious that movie is? Do you really want to read about us in some townie bar and me playing Coalesce on the jukebox? Or the fact that I could even play Coalesce on the jukebox, considering the bar we were in?

After rafting, I headed back to Denver for a couple nights and partied with friends (and my wife). Good to see all them (again, and my wife).

Then on the flight back, some weird dude behind us kept saying he was from Northwestern. In fact, while eavesdropping on his conversation with a guy, it was actually hard to follow because he said he was from Northwestern so much, it totally ruined the flow of the conversation. Other bits I picked out from his conversation with the guy two seats down from him:

He has no idea how he traveled before iPads. In fact, he has no idea so badly that he loudly questioned how anybody did indeed travel before iPads. This tells me that he may be wondering if there's anybody on the plane that concurs. Or else he's just another iPad-owning fuckhead that wants to let other people know that he's an iPad-owning fuckhead.

You remember how annoying iPhone-owners were from 2006-2010? Yeah, that's this fat fuck.

Also, he kept mentioning law school. I have no idea how that factors into the conversation other than him talking about business law topics and something about law school. Either way, he was morbidly obese and probably paid for the seat right next to him, because it was empty.

Surprisingly, he didn't brag about purchasing that second seat.

Shoot, I almost forgot: the Wednesday night before we left, we (HYW and I) had to run out to grab a couple things for the trip, and we found ourselves at the mall. Yeah, but the good news is I found a sick pair of Khaki pants at Banana Republic, on sale, and then with another 25% off!

#COUPONBONER

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

HDPU: HEAD EXPLOSIONS!

Two words: HEAD EXPLOSIONS!

Two more words: PUMP UP!

Put 'em together, what do you get? YOU GET HEAD EXPLOSIONS PUMP UP! Can't think of anything else that PUMPS ME UP more than HEAD EXPLOSIONS!

Well, maybe the brutal white water rafting I did on Sunday. Almost died like 4 times!

Fun PUMPY fact here: I've never actually seen the movie Scanners, just this part. About a million times. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that I've already used this scene for a HUMP DAY PUMP UP. It just looks eerily familiar. Maybe because I've replayed this, or something simiilar, in my head a million times.



Love the over-acting schmuck inducing the HEAD 'SPLOSION.

Think you're having a shitty day? Well what about this broad? Nevermind her head getting LIT THE PUMP UP, the scene is taken from a movie called CHOPPING MALL. Love it.






Only thing better than MIND CONTROL HEAD EXPLOSIONS? LASER HEAD EXPLOSIONS!

Get PUMPED as shawtie gets her head BLOWN UP.

Hate kids, but love when they do awesome things, like cause WICKED-PUMPY HEAD EXPLOSIONS!



Why didn't the guy just use an airPUMP? Who cares! His HEAD EXPLODED AND I COULDN'T BE MORE PUMPED!

Actually that's not entirely true as today is my first day back in the office after spending an extended long weekend vacation for Memorial Day in the Rockies. Yep, I tapped 'em. Needless to say, I need all the PUMP I can get, and if that PUMP comes in the form of me sucking down shitloads of coffee and watching HEAD EXPLOSION VIDEOS, and sharing that PUMP with you, then that's the way it's gotta be.

Just thought of this, in PUMPY PATRIOTIC post-Memorial Day spirit:

"I pledge PUMP allegiance to HUMP DAY PUMP UP at heck yeah man dot com, and to the rePUMPblic for which it PUMPS, one PUMPED nation under THE PUMP, all coked up, with HUMP DAY PUMP UPS and LOLs for all readers."