Friday, December 30, 2011

top 7 of 2011

OK it was a shitty year in music so we're only going to have like a top 7! For now. This number could change because I'm literally scouring the internet for anything that may have come out Linkthis year that I maybe listened to.

Sometimes I think I'm getting too old to listen to music.

First, we'll give an honorable mention to The Warriors for putting out See How You Are. I didn't even listen to that album at all. But I did listen to Beyond the Music, one of their last ones, a shitload and that album is awesome. Totally been meaning to check out their latest lol.

Second honorable mention goes to Chamberlain, easily one of my all time favorite bands. And one of the all time best bands ever, and that's a fact. They put out a seven inch this year or last, and I think it featured a couple new songs. After singer David Moore dabbled in VH1 style adult contemporary, which was surprisingly good, he decided to reform Chamberlain - wise move. The band is packed with talented musicians and David Moore's singing is top notch, but his lyrics are just fantastic. Wow.

Shit and I just forgot, one of my friends put out a new album with his band, Cutman. I haven't heard the entire thing, but they dropped a new song a couple months ago, and it was dope. Burly post hardcore Gainesville punk rock bearded-sounding awesome. Sick drumming, bros.

Top 7 or so of 2011:

7. Hate Eternal - Phoenix Amongst the Ashes

This is an album that I listened to a lot, but couldn't really pick out a song from this album, verses any of their other albums. But I think that's more a product of the CONSTANT FUCKING UNRELENTING BLASTING AND BRUTALITY. When Haunting Abound came out six months ago, I was all kinds of amped - it smoked. Then the album came out, I downloaded, enjoyed, but haven't really thought much else about it. In fact, I picked up their earlier album, used, The Fury & The Flames, which has just a crushing production.

7. Exhumed - All Guts, No Glory

Another album I've spent a lot of time with, but haven't really digested. When I put it on at work, my output goes way up. So I guess this album makes the cut purely because I listened to it more than others lol. I'm not a huge goregrind/deathgrind fan, but as a fan of heavy metal in general, it's hard not to like this gem.

7. Woe – Quietly, Undramatically remix

Again, this came out in 2010, but got a sweet remix in 2011, so we're counting it! Angry, vicious black metal with fantastic musicianship, a furious punk rock edge and beautiful cover art. The title track is one of the best songs I've heard all year; it is a perfect summation of all the greatness contained within. And speaking of the title, there is nothing quiet or undramatic about how awesome this album is. If you're not all that familiar with black metal, much like myself, this is about as good a place to start as any.

6. Terror – Keepers of the Faith

OK, this actually came out in late 2010, but they re-released it last month. So considering the shitty year in music, this counts as a 2011 release! You probably already know who Terror is, and after their last album, you may have written them off as a once great band that devolved into fast, thrashy hardcore with the angriest vocals ever. Turns out, you'd be right and wrong. Frontman Scott Vogel presents a bunch more super-pissed songs that PUMP ME UP SO FURIOUSLY. While the last album had more filler, this album just cranks up the rage for each song, leaving you with one, maybe two actual filler songs. Songs like Stick Tight, Return to Strength and The Struggle were written for the pit. And check the old school punk rock vibe I get on You're Caught. I think they switched guitar players since the last album, and while dude is still cranking out the thrashy riffs, these tend to be more memorable, in turn really helping the songs stick in your head. PISSED.

5. Adele – 21

Adele, your pretty face don't match those nasty ass fake fingernails you sometimes sport. My attention was caught by Rolling in the Deep, and the rest is history. She put together a fantastic album of, I don't know, soul-pop? But not that Amy Winehouse shit, nah, Adele can actually sing. And she does. And then she does some more. You've heard her radio hits and you can rest assured that the rest of the album is equally as fantastic. A very mellow cover of The Cure's Lovesong was a nice touch. Lol at the bonus "live" Someone Like You track that sounds EXACTLY like the album cut.

4. Screeching Weasel - First World Manifesto

Ben Weasel punched a chick. And SW put out their first new album in a bunch of years. And not surprisingly, it sounds just like a Screeching Weasel album, which, just in case you're wondering, is a good thing. Mr. Weasel hasn't lost a beat, or a boxing match, and cranks out the Ramonesy pop punk tunes just the way we want him to. You know, I've always liked Ben Weasel; dude writes a catchy ass song, he's witty as hell and never really gives a crap what anybody else thinks. And if he keeps putting out fantastic albums like this, he can beat on all the slores he wants.

3. Strung Out - Top Contenders

Strung Out can do no wrong. They put out a "best of" album this year, and as expected, every song is great. But they went a little further - they remixed each of the songs. And they sound awesome. Fucking awesome. Even included are a couple (three) new songs, that sound just like they were cut during the Agents of the Underground sessions - poppier and more melodic. The song selection is pretty good, with the playlist reading like a live set list. Of course when you've been a band for 20 years or something, your greatest hits isn't going to please everybody. You know you didn't even have to ask: they kick things off with Firecracker and end it with Matchbox. Great songs, great band - one of my all time favorites.

2. Trapped Under Ice - Big Kiss Goodnight

This album smokes. Easily the hardest thing I've heard all year. If you have any interest in modern hardcore and wore out your Terror records, TUI is the band you need to hear. Building on their NYHC-by-way-of-Baltimore sound, they've added progressive flourishes without being, well, pussy. Clean vocals find their way into a few songs, but we're not talking arena-rock choruses, nah, just enough to remind you of the dude from Leeway, then they get back to the beatdown. They lyrics are surprisingly introspective, while still retaining their trademark tough as nails aesthetic. Very few bands make such hard music so catchy. Get this now.

1. Mariachi el Bronx - II

This is a mariachi album. As far as I know, it's traditional mariachi music. See, The Bronx is a punk band from LA that decided to complement their live sets with acoustic sets. But they thought that was boring, so they did mariachi sets instead. I guess the response was positive enough for them to put out an entire Mariachi album. Then they put out this one. Having never listened to mariachi music before, I was quite taken aback by how catchy and awesome this is. They obviously incorporate the pop sensibilities from their main band, and I think that's what really makes this a winner. Each song by itself is great; in the context of an entire album, this could be the soundtrack to a Quentin Tarantino film. Fantastic all around.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Well I don't know where you are, but I'm just arriving back into town after an insane holiday week and a half.

Coming up on Friday, we've got my favorite albums of 2011!

I think it fitting that we should load up the last HUMP DAY PUMP UP of 2011 with some of THE PUMPIEST JAMS FROM THIS YEAR. Well, not from just this year, just the tunes that PUMPED ME UP THE MOST.

Let's kick things off with the officially PUMPIEST and MOST TIMES PUMPED vid on this blog. We have been jocking The Promise's My True Love literally for years now.

And for good reason.

Who doesn't love to listen to a grown man yell about his true love? Even if it is a funny subculture dedicated to not drinking, not drugging and not having promiscuous sex UNPUMP :(

Words can not describe how furiously I living room mosh when Heckyeahwoman isn't home!

Not down for some good old fashioned hardcore? Picture this:

Super handsome dude walking down the aisle, about to sign his live over to a hot chick ten times smarter than he. Imagine, no, SAVOR, the look on this gentleman's very soon to be mother in law's face when THIS SONG STARTS UP!

Not only is this a ridiculous song, but it was the last thing I heard before I lost my ability to plow all the bitches' bowels. Seriously, I was so PUMPED while this song was playing, it was all a blur thecokehelpedtoo.

This next jam, if you don't know this riff, get outta here. Second straightedge anthem out of three? somebody making a serious lifestyle change for 2012?

FUCK NO, I love to be PUMPED and some of the PUMPIEST bands get their PUMPS from not being PUMPED about things that other people are SUPER TOO PUMPED for. You follow that?

If you look me in the eye and honestly tell me that a chubby, down-syndrome looking Karl Buechner screaming, "STREET BY STREET, BLOCK BY BLOCK, TAKING IT ALL BAAAAAACK....A FIRESTORM TO PURIFY!" doesn't PUMP YOU UP, you can look forward to a relatively PUMP-FREE 2012.

Remember, on Friday, my favorite albums of 2011! Don't sleep, twinks!

Monday, December 26, 2011

happy holidays :(

Hey I hope everybody had a great and safe holiday. And that continues (but abruptly ends) going into the new year.

Hopefully some of you even got to nail your hot second cousin.

We got a SUPER PUMPY YULETIDE HDPU coming up on HUMP DAY, then on Friday we'll have the annual top ten (or seven, this shitty year) albums of the year. Actually, I can't even promise seven.

But for now here's just a little peek into the heckyeah's personal lives; this is kind of what our holiday looks like:

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


The holidays are upon us!

And that means holiday music!

NO doubt the best holiday song I've ever heard. And it's not even the full version!

And speaking of holiday music, HOLIDAYBONER ALERT!

Yeah yeah, she married Nick "the shrimp" Cannon, but still. Mariah is like 65+ and still hot!



Real quick little PUMP with my boiz, WHAM!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

holiday party etiquette, a guide

Hey fine folks out there looking to get your party on this holiday season! We here at hym have (quickly) thrown together a guide to holiday party etiquette with this handy little DOs and DON'Ts of Holiday Party Etiquette.

Read on:

DO act morbid. Constantly talking about death, dying and injury lets other party-goers know that you’ve not merely accepted your fate, but you embrace it. And you’re more mature/manly/humpable because of it. Sharing just the simple fact that once you are born, you spend the rest of your meaningless existence dying will increase the holiday cheer because people will hopefully begin to realize how fragile life truly is.

And that this could possibly be the last holiday party of their life. El tiempo es ahora para bonin', chica.

DO talk about politics and religion. Often times holiday parties are filled fulla people from various groups and backgrounds, with the only thing in common being maybe a tangential relationship to the host. How are you supposed to know what interests and conversations each party-goer favors?

By bringing up subjects on which everybody has an opinion! Plus if you’re single and looking to nail a chick, very few things soothe a slore’s emotions like you agreeing with her feminazi bullshit. Yeah, you may piss some people off by boldly bringing up traditionally taboo conversations, but, well, fuck their holiday party experience anyway.

DON’T blindly sample the various foods, especially if it’s a potluck style party. Make sure you know who brought what. You may not know each person, how they live, or how they prepare their food, those unclean fucks. ‘Course once you ascertain that the devil eggs were made with the unsoiled hands of a clean-living angel, hit them with the ferocity of a feral cat in heat.

But check this, by knowing that the smokin’ redhead in the corner brought the meatloaf bites, you now have the ammo you need to try to get in her pants. And trust me, bitches love to be told how great their cooking is.

Since we’re talking about food, it should go without saying to mind your teeth and breath.

DON’T arrive empty-handed. Because you better goddamn not be leaving empty-handed. If you show up with nothing and leave with a couple bottles of liquor, or somebody else’s jacket, purse, wallet, casserole dish, or even a corpse, karma is gonna punish your cheap ass.

Do the right thing; bring a bottle of wine or alcohol, some food, flowers or some shit. Think of it like a token offering to the gods, for your merry holiday plunder. Tis the season of giving!

...however voluntary or involuntary.

DON’T leave without taking a sloppy, messy, wet shit. The idea here is stealth; you don’t want people to know what kind of horrors you’re committing until afterward. Diligently cover up the stink or the smell, and of course the sounds, by sneaking into a master bath or an upstairs bathroom. Remember, you don’t ever want to be that guy. Unless you like chicks being repulsed by you.

If leaving the party solo, this is a great parting gift to the shitty hosts who managed to provide food, drink, crappy music, mostly good times, but no poon. Fuck them. And fuck their gross, soggy, homemade cheesecake.

And finally, DO always thank the hosts for a great time. C’mon, we’re not savages or animals here.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


The HATEPUMP continues with a super BLASPHEMOUS PUMP! Tis the season!

Bringing you this week's YULETIDE PUMPJAMS are Norway's most evil band, Gorgoroth.

Check out the former lead singer (hint: keep this image out of your head while masturbating).

And this is the same dude with his manboy-lover.

CRANK UP this BRUTAL pre-holiday BLASPHEMY PUMP! Warning, the video is kind of graphic and bloody, and there may or may not be boobies(!), however blood covered, and maybe a goat head on a stick.

Sweet video, eh? But SRSLY, how PUMPED are you?

You ever thought about writing a song called "Procreating Satan"? Yeah, me neither. But someone else did and it's evil and awesome and posted right below to ramp up that BLASPHOPUMP!

You not into dudes yelling and screeching, set to music? Listen as the interviewer asks Gaahl about his primary ideology that fuels Gorgoroth's music?

Wait for it!


Ever seen a dude ponder so thoughtfully, answer, then casually sip his wine? Didn't think so!

Let your PUMP guide you through these chaotic holiday times into an inner chill like our man Gaahl. Become at one with your PUMP.

Monday, December 12, 2011

sorry mom

Wow, I feel like I may have posted this already, but we hain't got time to check.

Just wanted to send out a quick apology to my mother.

See, when my brother and I were growing up, my mom would always yell at us for peeing all around and all over the toilet. Naturally I thought it was my brother, and he probably thought it was me. My parents are divorced, so I wouldn't be shocked if my mom also thought it was my dad sneaking in at night and pissing wildly all over.

But most of the time she would yell at us, my broth'r and I. Though it's not like she'd be yelling furiously, more just reminding us to pee in the toilet, rather than on it. To be fair, having to not only share a house with my brother and I, but raise us, I commend her for not hanging herself.

I remember being so adamant that it wasn't me, thinking that I always pee inside the toilet bowl, and it had to be my brother. I'd be so shocked that she would accuse me of something so vile.

Well recently, I had an epiphany: it was probably both of us.

Living with my wife for the last 6+ years, and knowing that she doesn't have a wiener to pee all over everything, I see the splash on the rim of the terlet, and I can acknowledge to myself that yeah, I am guilty. I have been guilty.

And I will continue to be guilty.

So mom, if you're reading this: you were right, I was partly to blame for the pee around the toilet. I'm sorry.

But that crazy poop spatter that always found its way onto the inside of the bowl, and on the bottom of the toilet seat, and sometimes on the floor - totally not me.

Friday, December 9, 2011

overheard at work 1.0

"Hey Jim, Welcome back! How was your vacation, you glad to be back?"

"Oh ya know, it was good, haha."


R U GLAD 2 B BACK? BITCH PLZ, He's pissed as fuck to be back.

30 years of my life and I've never once seen anybody glad to be back at work from vacation. Never.

And I never will.

That post-vacation trudge into the office is easily the worst feeling in the world. Worse than flying, worse than seeing the love of your life scarf down massive black dong and def worse than when the fucking restaurant forgets to not put mayo on my goddamn hamburger.

You glad to be back at work?

I think 50 Cent said it best: "you wouldn't know joy if it wadn't fer pain."

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


This lady, Janice Daniels - the mayor of Troy, MI, the one below that looks manlier than Hilary Clinton, she doesn't like the idea of gays getting married.

And then she posted on facebook about it lol. Last June lol. And it's just making news now.

Massive lols @ the first status update, btw. Rest assured that if she was mocking a Republican, there would be no question that it was the wittiest, funniest thing ever.

But the bottom status update is the one in question.

Who even says "queers" anymore? "Faggot" is my go-to slur these days. And maybe one of these days I'll lay out a case why it should be your go-to slur too.

But yo, I just gotta mention this: if you think that gay marriage is somehow impeding you from having an awesome life, that's insane. If the idea of two dudes getting married really bothers you, it's time to lighten up, brah.

That said, what's worse than the people who are so vehemently against gay marriage? THE HORRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT ANNOYING FUCKHEADS THAT CHAMPION IT SO FURIOUSLY.

Yes, I get it, gays should be allowed to marry. They should have every right that a straight couple has. But I can't think of a time when my mind was changed by a schmuck at a protest with a big sign or an ALL CAPS facebook post.

Don't believe me that they're the worst of the worst? Check out the best of the progressive elite immediately below!

Nobody gives a shit about you, Gramma! Not even your grand kids!

What I think she means to say is that it's NOT OK to disagree with Gramma!

Jesus, with a mug like that, she's probably been turnin' dudes gay for years now. Not even knocking 50 years off that face could salvage it.

Two strikes against this nutjob: she's old and she's crazy!

But you know what, be PUMPED because hate and ignorance are still alive and kicking in the world! LET THE HATE PUMP YOU THROUGH THIS SLUSHY, SNOW-FILLED WEEK AND RIGHT INTO THE HOLIDAYS.


Monday, December 5, 2011

secret santa

OK, first I have to apologize, after a relatively nice weekend, you'd think I'd be in good spirits this morning. Of course that's completely looking past the fact that it's Monday morning, however unsurprising that may be. Both the Monday morning part and the angry part.

Most of you probably have jobs and most of you have probably participated in a secret santa thing either at work or any time throughout grade school. Well have you ever stopped to think about how stupid it is?

Sounds good at first, but think about what it entails. After signing up, you put together a list of things you want, probably in the $10-20 range. At the same time, you receive a list from another willing participant. Then, closer to Christmas, you give the gifts to the appropriate recipient.

So really the only surprise is who actually will give you the gift. Who actually looked at your list, selected the easiest-to-procure gift? WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T YOU JUST GO OUT AND BUY ONE ITEM FROM YOUR LIST?

Gift giving on Birthdays and Christmas or whatever is a lot less "binding" than a secret santa. Like you can get me a sweet Birthday gift this year and it'll probably be years before I even acknowledge your birth, you still-unborn-to-me shitheads. But with secret santa, there are two (2) sides contributing a roughly equal (dollar) value gift. That make sense?

When you wittingly enter into a secret santa, you know what you're getting and you know what you're giving. That's not fun.

I love receiving gifts, solicited, listed, begged for, or otherwise. No question. But I bet you'd be surprised to learn that I actually enjoy giving them too. Not in the traditional, obligated, designated sense though. Like if I see something that just hits me like, "woah, I bet ****** would love this!", I would totally buy it and be really PUMPED to give it.

But the instances that I'd ever be thinking about someone else, 'specially while out shopping for myself, are so few and far between. You get the gist though.

I don't know, maybe if there's some slut at the office, and you want to blow her mind by going above and beyond in the secret santa gift exchange. You know, something to let her know you're DTF, to see if she's DTF as well. But that's assuming you lucked out and drew her name. Also assuming you're not a huge fucking pussy and took that extra step past buying her the stupid Ped Egg she had listed.

If you really want to impress people and do the right thing, next time you're invited to a secret santa, decline in favor of donating to an animal shelter. And please remember, if you're in earshot of a potential slore, make sure your intentions are audible.

Bottom line, you are deluding yourself if you think that people are actually excited to buy you a gift (from a list you wrote!) or give you anything at all. The Secret Santa is just a cheap way for you to receive a gift, under the guise of reciprocal, heartfelt, faux-holiday cheer gift-giving.

Friday, December 2, 2011

i love samsung

The quickest way to a real man's heart is to mock iphone fanbags lol.

Not sure if you have seen these new Samsung commercials for the Galaxy something or whatever. But watch as the twink on twink mocking makes me almost consider not buying an iPhone in September when our contract is up.

Well you're not gonna see me almost not consider buying an iPhone in September when our contract is up, but you're gonna see twink on twink mocking for sure.

When I think of the typical iPhone user, I don't think of my friends, who are iPhone users. Nah, I think of the whiny, crybaby, hipster dipshits depicted in the waiting lines in the commercial. The marketing homos at Samsung really nailed my skewed vision of the average iPhone user.

All that flashy marketing, a product that sells like crazy, snazzy features, deep flaws (lolworthy syncing, iTunes, Apple branding, etc.), all these attributes of the iPhone and Apple tell me I should hate my iPhone-using friends. But I don't.

So it is here that I apologize to the friends I have relentlessly mocked for sucking the deceased dick of Steve Jobs; you are not the horrible iPhone users I thought you were. And you can puff all the dead dong you want, weirdos.

But yo, you'll never catch me saying anything positive about iTunes. That shit whack.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


[DISCLAIMER]: this was originally meant to be posted last HUMP DAY, but due to reckless partying, it never happened. Also due to trying unsuccessfully to sneak in an update on my mother in law's ipad. Also due to just plain forgetting.

I don't have time for a bunch of text 'n shit, let the pictures and vids do the PUMPING.

But rest assured that I hope you had the PUMPIEST Thanksgiving ever. [editor's note: I hope you ate so much turkey that you shit yourself.]

Let's get back to what Thanksgiving was supposed to be about: BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING!


"how's it hangin?"

We don't have time for a history lesson or any BORING shit like that, but if a little genocidal slaughter every once in a while doesn't get your blood boiling, then you're probably a commie sympathizer.


"how now brown cow"

After associating death and genocide with Thanksgiving, I think it's important to note that I'm not trying to make any political statement or historical statement or anything. I'm just trying to think of holiday-themed things that PUMP ME UP.


Lookit these assholes! It's like Insane Clowne Posse circa 1835!

Wait, Insane Clown Posse!? Wat!?

You know, I hope you didn't actually listen to that song. Despite the comedic stylings of those two clown cockpits, brain cells are known to be killed through aural exposure to their music.

But I hope that you are SO PUMPED that you don't even care about nothin' as winter descends upon us. Let the PUMP help you effortlessly shovel your car out from where the snowplow plowed you in.

Let the PUMP keep you warm as your thermostat-controlling landlord refrains from heating the apartment.

Let the PUMP keep you cool as the sweet space-heater you bought for the bathroom cranks out the fuckin' heat holy shit.

Let the HOLIDAY PUMP keep you free from mudslinging as you wish a hearty "MERRY CHRISTMAS" to known atheist fuckheads and say things like "holiday tree" and "happy holidays" and "fuck your pisschrist" to loudmouth Christians.

Here's to backwards boners, friends.

Monday, November 28, 2011

last week wrap up

Had a nice long week OFF OF WORK. Saw my family a bunch, chilled hard with friends and shopped till my dick fall off.

Don't even know where to start, I mean damn, on Tuesday night we CRUSHED free tacos at this bar. It was awesome. You walk in, buy two (2) beers, and you get free tacos, all you can eat. Sucks that it only lasts till 7. Sucks though that my mom was mad cause I called some dude a fag when he grabbed the last of the taco meat. Heh, it got refilled like two minutes later.

Then last Sunday we hunted deer.* I bought an insane/awesome camo/blaze orange reversible ski mask. It's seriously amazing. Unfortunately I found it the day after we hunted. But seriously, it's so amazing that immediately after I bought it, at Fleet Farm with my wife and mother in law, I had to put it on. Yep, I wore it for the entire car ride back home - with heckyeahwoman and heckyeahmotherinlaw. I think they were both pretty impressed.

We did some Black Friday shopping, and the best part was that, being in Wisconsin, there weren't a whole lot of blacks. No but we left the house at like 11pm on Thursday night lol. Hit the outlet mall, bought a sick new tie from Brooks Brothers and waited in line for like half an hour at old navy to buy a sweet dress shirt for $15. Heckyeahwoman found a bunch more crap. By 1am on Friday, I was pretty beat down from all the shopping bullshit, so we left, got home, had some whiskey and went to bed. Nice.

Oh my god, then we went to Festival Foods like on Monday, and saw something that can't be unseen. The typical uniform for a Festival Foods employee seems to be a white button down dress shirt, I don't remember what color pants and an option apron. But let's focus on that white shirt. Most of the time a dude wears an undershirt with a white dress shirt, 'specially if it's relatively thin.

And in this case, dude's was relatively very thin. As I was heading for the bread aisle, he was heading towards me, probably the frozen section. I couldn't look away; dude had the darkest, most thinly veiled peperoni nips I have ever seen in my life. His shirt was so thin, it might as well have been made of mesh. Every detail of his off-putting, brown areola was on display to be forcefully digested optically.

I stayed with my mom in her sweet apartment a couple nights and she has an asshole neighbor that lives above her. He keeps dropping cigarette butts and beer cans into her yard, from his balcony. So I got to her place on Friday, saw a can and a random lighter chilling in her area, got red with rage and threw that shit back up on his balcony. Bounced off his sliding door both times. Bummer he wasn't home, but I think he got the message since there was nothing there the next morning.

I kind of hope he fucks up again so my brother and I can force feed a 35 year old punk cigarette butts, film it, and put it up in this here blog.

One last thing, as I was just typing this up, I saw a commercial for an upcoming episode of 60 Minutes. The attention grabber was: "If you ate too much for Thanksgiving, it's probably their fault. Coming up next, 60 Minutes goes inside the multi-billion dollar food flavoring industry."

No you stupid fucks, if you ate too much on Thanksgiving, it's your own goddamn fault for being a fat tub of shit lazy worthless fuck with no self control. It's these little bits and nuggets of misinformation, promoting a lack of personal accountability, that are permeating the psyches of most of the lazy, entitled pieces of shit that populate this formerly great nation.

There are no words to describe how much I hate you, your worthless fat family, or practically everybody else.

* We didn't really hunt deer as much as we walked around in the woods, scaring the deer away from the real deer hunters, drank, ate, and I got to wear blaze orange along with my huge bowie knife.

Monday, November 21, 2011

what a shitty waitress

If it isn't bad enough that this story is about the second (2nd) (SECOND!) time in two weeks that we went to Frazer's to watch a Monday Night Football game, I don't know what to tell you.

So these bastards at the bar show the MNF game on all the TVs. Cool. But they leave the jukebox plugged in. Not cool.

Of course we roll up, two deep, a husband and wife fantasy football tag team of good looks and awesome, and the first thing we notice is the game all up on the BIG SCREENS (, DAWG!). But the second thing we notice is the lack of pre-game audio.

In it's place, a shitty Guns N Roses song. Wait, is there such thing as a shitty GnR song, sans Chinese Democracy? Well there is if it's during a football game. The exception of course is anything off Appetite for Destruction. But this wasn't off that album. Use your illusion my ass with those couple awesome tunes paired with 67% filler.

Anyway, that's not even the most horrible part, some fat schlub was the one rocking the jukebox. If it was a hot chick, OK, yeah maybe that's fine. Guess I spoke to soon, cause then our waitress was feeding the jukebox herself.

Naturally this was like ten minutes after we asked her if she could turn it off and turn up the game.

R U SRS? Heckyeahwoman definitely tipped her more than I suggested.

And to top it off, I lost my fantasy football matchup last week. Thanks Willis McGahee and Julio Jones, you fucking pussies, for leaving your games with injuries in the first quarter. Preeshin' that 1.7 and 1.4 points you respectively snagged for me.

And worse, literally minutes before I began to type this up, I got taken for a ride by Geico. Yeah, I asked to have them remove one of the fees from my renewal quote, and they decided that because my car isn't registered in Michigan, they would give me a new quote, only $70 higher!

I tried shopping around, but every place was seriously anywhere from $200-$350 more. WTF. So I called them back and resigned at +$70. OWNED.

But on the plus side, what are you doing right now? OK, or like three hours from now?

Me? I'm nursing a retarded hangover cause I got all week off! heh

Friday, November 18, 2011

27 times

27 times what?

27 times 13, in mathematics?

Something happened 27 times?

Nah. Let me explain.

I was in training for four hours yesterday afternoon and the trainer said "that would be a issue" 27 different times.

A issue.

27 times.

Yes, even I kept a tally on the scribbled notes I took. But you know, with me zoning in and out of consciousness, I wonder how many I missed.

As an writer, you can only imagine how infuriated I was. I mean, how do you not learn basics of grammar? How do you make it through your a large chunk of your adult life without somebody correcting you? A typo in a training packet? Totally acceptable.

But to stand there and lecture for four hours, just abusing the fuck out of the English language, wow. Worse, there were too many more grammatical errors to count. It was completely insane.

I have a feeling this job is going to provide a bounty of humor nuggets.

And speaking of 27...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011



What a crazy goddamn week it's been; I've never needed a HUMP DAY PUMP UP like I need one now!

Started my new job on Monday morning, which wouldn't have been so bad, but it took forever to get to the gym after work because of traffic, and then afterward we had to immediately head to the bar to watch the Packer game.

Watched the game, got home, and immediately went to bed. On top of that, I haven't been sleeping that awesome the last two nights.

Needless to say, I hate any deviation from my set or expected schedule. It pisses me off and stresses me out. See, I'm not perfect!

Still, there's a lot to be PUMPED about. Heckyeahwoman is cooking some delicious, marinated lamb chops as I type! I just put baby powder in my moccasins. I can bust out of my new job right at 5 and I think I found a traffic free route to the gym so I should be getting done a little earlier at night. I'm still racist (racy), sexist (sexy), and over all prejudiced as FUCK.

Even better and PUMPIER, here is a video of a baby monkey (A BABY MONKEY!!!) riding a dog! A BABY MONKEY RIDING A DOG!

...then chasing the little dog! DOUBLE CUTE AND TRIPLE PUMP OVERLOAD, CHODE.

We gotta finish this PUMP with a couple HARD ASS SONGS TO GET US THROUGH THE REST OF THIS WEEK. Trapped Under Ice just put out their new album, Big Kiss Goodnight, and it smokes. All the songs are super-hard, and this one, Jail, is one of the hardest. If this doesn't get you FUCKING JACKED, I don't know what to tell you. Go back to your Pavarotti Live CDs, twink

'Nother one from their earlier album, hard as nails right here. Don't let all the backwards Canadian sports team hats dePUMP you. Nah, just PUMP UP to the hard stylings of Trapped Under Ice's Believe. Love when bands get guest vocalists from the album to do their parts live - watch at the end as a huge black dude growls something about breaking the backs of gods. How PUMPY is that?!?!

Heck yeah, ride or die.

Monday, November 14, 2011

winery tour

Had a nice little weekend with Heckyeahwoman. Took a short little winery tour of some SE Michigan...uh, wineries. The final destination was a quaint little BnB (Bed and Breakfast, you uncultured fucks) in a quaint little town.

But for the purpose of this blog, the peak of the trip came immediately after dinner. So rest assured that we sampled some delicious wines and had a quick snack at Culver's. After arriving at the Bed and Breakfast, we admired the room and building, had a little wine, then headed out to the bar for a couple pre-dinner drinks.

Wound up in some rural ass bar, Charlie's Saloon, and had a couple could ones before The Meal. There was a very rural biker woman there who said something very rural and funny, but I can't remember what it was. It's funny because I meant to type a note into my phone to remember, but thought that it was way too funny for me to forget. I forgot.

Dinner was at a nice restaurant, Shuler's. It was a dinner club kinda place, you know, good food, old people, kinda fancy, PRIME FUCKIN' RIB, kinda pricey, awesome. The restaurant was great, our meals fantastic. The waiter even gave us a free desert!

I'm not sure if the table next to us had the same sentiment. It was a twenty-something couple (closer to twenty) and what we are assuming were the broad's parents. But the broad would not shut up.

I'm talking wearing her winter hat at the dinner table and running her fucking mouth nonstop. She loves her dad, she loves her parents, she loves her boyfriend because he's pretty good to her, she this she that holy shit shut your woman's cocksucker or I'm going to come over there and beat the verbal communication out of her.


I think she was as loaded as the parents were embarrassed. So yeah.

Anyway, after dinner, we were looking at the random swag the restaurant had for sale when I unleashed the longest, yet surprisingly quietest fart that I've ever shared with those in my immediate vicinity. The only thing I didn't realize was that there was a low couch directly behind me. With a woman sitting on it.

She got more than cropdusted; I literally dropped that insane fart like right on her head. Energy density. And it stunk so bad. Worse, the fart followed me up to the cash register. We were all collectively wallowing in that humid vapor excrement that polluted the restaurant's air and certainly ruined the appetite for a couple patrons.

Had I known her head was going to be right there, I would have not inadvertently melted the hairspray on the back of her head.

I would not have turned on the shit-powered hair dryer.

I would not have dispersed the scent of the sockless shoe of a migrant worker in a Mississippi summer.

I would have done things differently.

So yeah, great weekend. Great little mini-trip.

Unfortunately I found a job and I start Monday. We will be mourning the loss of my 9-5 freedom by heading to the bar to watch the PACKERS CRUSH THE VIKINGS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL HECK YEAH

Friday, November 11, 2011

crazy obese psycho

A little technical lapse today, folks. So we're just gonna share this nice little heartwarming story, featuring a morbidly obese hippie lady.

And her meltdown.

And hopefully someday, her welcome demise.

Watch, enjoy, laugh, party.

Next week we're going to offer a heartfelt apology to my mother for me realizing she was right all along. Stay tuned, friends.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


No messing around today. Daylight Savings time hit hard last weekend; snow is just around the corner; cold and dreary days are ahead, and seasonal depression will hopefully claim her largest-ever number of suicide victims this winter.

Yeah, life sucks.

WAIT, NO IT DOESN'T! Especially not if you're Jason McElwain! What a great story, and just when you think it's kinda lame, BOOM, THE PUMP SHOOTS ITS MILKY PUMPLOAD ALL OVER YOUR FACE at 1:09!

Holy shit every time he hits a three, the gym goes insane! Like he said, he was on fire; he was hotter than a pistol.

Wow, I'm literally crying and shivering right now, not because I'm watching this awesome video, not because I'm not really crying and shivering, but because I know somebody is GETTING PUMPED right now.

This next PUMP comes in a similar format: kid with handicap does something awesome. AND THAT IS AWESOME.


How PUMPED is that dude? And more importantly, HOW PUMPED ARE YOU AFTER THIS NEXT SONG?



Nothing like singing about sexually assaulting, or groping at the very least, somebody you find attractive. Then suggesting they sleep with you because of the very small chance that one or both of you may not live through the night.

I don't know about you, but lyrics like that PUMP ME UP!

Especially the part about the people not living to see tomorrow!

Monday, November 7, 2011

the handshake

This post is brought to you by the rash of FUCKING ASSHOLES whose hands I have shaken lately.

Here's the thing - I'd venture a guess that I'm generally stronger than most of the people whose hands I shake. Just the way it is, no biggie. But for some reason, I've been getting really hard handshakes lately. Maybe these jokers see how strong I am and attempt to prepare, assuming I'm going to give a burly handshake myself.

A little about my handshake style: firm but not crushing. I prefer to give a nice, solid handshake to let you know that I've arrived and I'm saying "what's up" to you, right now. There's no proving anything, no showing you up, no pissing contest, just a stupid-ass gesture that people traditionally do.

But lately I've been getting assholes trying to crush my hand. And when I say that, I mean these assholes are genuinely trying to tell me something through a handshake. Funny, cause I have something to say too, and if I wasn't always with my wife when this shit happens, there'd be a fucking trail of dead bodies you fucking anorexic looking twinks.

Let me share just a light smattering of the punks that have tried to act hard.

Asshole #1 - skinny twerp gave me a strong handshake, and after a couple drinks I was feeling kind of saucy, so I gave him what I like to call "the pulsing strongshake." Basically it's just what it sounds like: immediate detection of an asshole handshake followed by a series of strong, pulsing squeezes.

Asshole #2 - total fucking loser gave me the hard handshake, so I squeezed harder and silently thanked my parents and their genes for not giving me that dude's godawful face and body type.

Asshole #3 - dude was bigger than me, but the skinny jeans and tight clothing screamed femininity. The handshake took me completely by surprise.

Slore #1 - I'm on a job interview and you're trying to hulk out on me in your pointy high heels and pencil skirt? REALLY? I'M GOING TO BEAT THE MANHANDS OUT OF YOU, SLORE.

"Listen you fucking geek, is this something you really want to do? You want to act hard in this very nonconfrontational social setting? I've got a knife in my pocket, brass knuckles, and the last time I fucking punched somebody; homeboy was out cold on the bar floor. That sound like a fun night out to you?

This is not the smartest decision you've ever made. While yeah, you seemed to get off scott-free here, I can't guarantee that I'll turn the other cheek next time. So here, shake my hand again you fucking suburban nerd."

There's a difference between a monstrous dude who gives a strong handshake consistently and a little twerp who tries to give a strong handshake. Because honestly, if you can't make something as simple as a handshake look effortless, why bother?

Bad Religion may have had it mostly right; maybe a handshake really is nothing more than a "total fuck you." Maybe it's a nonverbal challenge to see who can say "fuck you" the loudest.

Friday, November 4, 2011

facebook quotes

Quotations are all over facebook. Whether it's people posting quotes on a wall, a friend's wall or actually filling out the "favorite quotes" section, it's inescapable.

You are bound to have a friend or fifty that will inevitably post a quote from a famous thinker, scientist, sports star, president, or anybody else from the huge assortment of assholes and dipshits that many look to for quick-fix philosophy. Now I'm not saying that each member of this particular group of poorly-plagiarized-in-practice thinkers don't have anything novel to offer our society; I'm saying the poor plagiarizers usually don't.

That same person (or persons) will probably do this multiple times. And this posting and reposting of quotations has a cumulative effect, making this friend look like more and more of an asshole.

It is my belief that this philosophy-in-a-quotation obsession stems from people looking for something profound in a sentence or phrase. And of course once one believes he or she has found something profound or life-changing, it automatically needs to be shared. It's almost like people have an auto-share function that is embedded into their genes and has been activated by the rise of social media. But we're not here to pontificate on social media and its role in our society.

We're here to talk about how stupid most people are, and how they truly think they can find their own personal salvation, religious or otherwise, at the end of a sentence, paragraph, or even a book.

There is no known shortcut to a sudden promotion, finding sudden love, sudden riches, suddenly discovering the meaning of life, or probably sudden anything awesome. The Golden Rule, Aristotle, Jesus, Michael Jordan, The Lord Our Heavenly Father Barrack Obama, nobody, nothing - none of these offer a can of instant LIFETIME PUMP.

You know who does? You do. While we're not going to go into any new age self help crap about how you control your own destiny and blah blah blah, we'd like to point out that the author pretty much hates everybody.

But Mr. President and CEO (and now acting Director of Operations) of Heckyeahman INC, what about you? Are you above reproach? Short answer: yes. Longer answer: I do have a quote on my facebook page.

"I can't blame you for your utter weakness, but you can't blame me for my disgust."

Or, DISGUST - for emphasis.

I chose that quote not because I believe it to be profound; I chose it because I believe it perfectly matches the constant sneer on my face.

And cause this song is fucking awesome:

Also, one last note, if your quotation is a song lyric from a Country-Western singer from later than 1990*, that's immediate suicide-time.

*Date chosen because while I'm not very familiar with Country-Western music, I do believe that to be the year of the last relevant output from Randy Travis or George Strait, the artists immediately preceding the "huge pop-country" boom.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Some of you may have seen my recent facebook post about the unfortunate young man crying outside the gym.

Yes, a twenty-something, sweaty guy in a light gray tank top and black or blue gym shorts was standing outside the Ypsilanti Planet Fitness, crying. Crying. There was also a small gym bag chilling on the curb right next to him, presumably his.

I have no idea what the crying was about, nor do I care. I just know that I am EXTREMELY PUMPED THAT I'M NOT HIM.



Truth is, I'm only about 95% sure he was even crying. His face was flushed and his eyes were kind of red and puffy. Could have been from a just finished xBRUTALxWORKOUTx or more likely, the result of a very emotional phone call with his crazy ex-girlfriend.

We'll never know, but I walked right past that chump, sneered, gave a brief but obvious look of disgust, and had a serious hour-long fat burning sesh. And in case you're wondering, yeah, I was PUMPED.

If you haven't made the connection to the above video, you're the octopus. Yes, you are slimy, red and kinda ominous looking. The boat is the rest of the week, and the water is that ever elusive PUMP. You know what to do here, GET PUMPED AND DON'T EVER GET CAUGHT CRYING OUTSIDE YOUR SKETCHY GYM.

Monday, October 31, 2011

looking forward to things

Today is Halloween, and while I don't have anything scary to post, I hope to bum you out just a little with the tone of this post. I want to be the fart in your bowl of soup.

The spoiled milk in your cereal.

The shart that snuck through.

The razorblade in your candy.

You know what sucks? Looking forward to things sucks.

You got a great vacation coming up next month, you wait and wait and wait for the vacation to come, it happens, you have fun, then it's back to being bummed and not looking forward to anything.

Except maybe dying.

Or maybe another vacation in a couple months.

On the other hand, what about dreading upcoming events? That sucks too. Maybe you have to give a presentation, or do something you really don't like doing (leave the house, clean the litter boxes, live life). So then you just sulk until you suffer through whatever it was you were dreading. And you're worse off for it.

Then you'll think of something else to hate in a couple months, for the next couple months.

Furthermore, if I'm just meh about something, then well, that would be a shitty way to live. The highs are what make the lows and the lows are what make the highs. The PUMPS make the unpumps and vice versa. In this shitty world where nothing is ever really good enough, I need to feel something, however crappy.

For Thanksgiving, we're taking a week off and heading back to Wisconsin for the entire week. You could say I'm looking forward to it. But you could also say that I'm dreading it. You see, the minute it starts, it also begins to end. I almost enjoy thinking of all the fun things I'm going to be doing more than actually doing the fun things, with that sinking feeling in the back of my head - knowing that it will end.

So the next time you think you've got something great lined up, just think about it a little more and realize that in the end, it's probably not going to be that great.

Good things end, bad things begin.

Friday, October 28, 2011

help a metalhead

I saw this link on lamboat (a metal and hardcore website) and thought it would be great for a blog post.

Official press release:

Dane Wolf, known to many throughout the metal community as a skilled guitar tech, tour manager, and overall kind and hardworking human being, was badly beaten in Denver, Colorado last week while on the Death Angel/Testament/Anthrax tour. As a result, he had to drop off the tour and was recently released from the hospital in Denver. Dane's mother, Jenna Wolf, issued the following statement on Dane Wolf's Give Forward fundraising page:

"Please help in whatever way you can by assisting with his medical bills and upcoming travel expenses to and from Colorado when things go to court. There will be additional medical costs in the future as well, as he continues to recover and requires follow-up care. The goal has now been raised due to the amazing response of Dane's friends and family. Thank you so much for your continued support, and for sharing the link, and his story!"

The goal is to raise $7,500.00 to pay Dane's medical and travel expenses. Thus far, $3,760 (50%) has been raised. YOU can help a metalhead who worked a metal tour you attended by visiting and donate what you can. Every dollar helps!

It sucks that dude got beat the ferk up, for sure. But what did he get beat up for? The article makes no mention of the circumstances, leading us to believe they may have been sketchy in nature.

Did he save a hapless woman from being raped, and in the process wind up the victim?

Maybe he caught the business end of a crowbar after dropping n-bombs to a crew of people that don't appreciate n-bombs.

Who knows. But I find it funny that the article mentions he was "overall kind and hardworking". "In the grand scheme of things, yeah, he probably did more good than harm, but he hated black people."

Or, "overall, he was a good husband, but he had a really short fuse and often beat his kids and wife."

It's hard to say.

Apparently the goal was raised, because the family lowballed expectations about how much dude's friends and family would actually help lol. They wound up doing so well, that they're gonna try to snatch a little profit off the whole thing. Goal raised, keep giving!

The last sentence about how he is a metalhead who probably worked a show I attended is MINDBOGGLING. First, I haven't been to a show in a long ass time. And second, the last metal show I went to, everything was insanely overpriced - admission, music, drinks, merch. Plus there were a bunch of androgynous fruitloops with horrible, uneven, multi-colored haircuts in skinny jeans and tight black shirts. Now I'm supposed to help out a mere cog in the system that's trying to rip me off?

Ferk that. I paid admission for my ticket. I don't owe anybody else at the show a thing. If I wanted a record, I would have bought it. And for another post, fucking tip jars at merch tables, wow.

You help somebody out not because they took part in fulfilling your materialistic/consumer urges, but because you want to do the right thing. I have a feeling Mr. Wolf wouldn't give too shits about helping me out, even if I attended a show that he worked. Fuck that family and probably fuck you too.

Do I give a shit about the 8 year old Asian kid that put together the computer I'm currently ranting on? NO. Just like I don't give a shit about Steve Jobs, any nameless factory worker at Dodge, a random schmuck that binds books for a living, or any other turd who may have had a small hand in a product or service that I enjoy.

That's not how it works, buddy. If Mr. Wolf hadn't been available to guitar-tech for any given show, I'm sure another equally talented guitar-tech would step up.

It still boggles my mind that musicians solicit their fans and friends for donations when something happens - usually lack of health insurance related.

You want a security blanket, health insurance, benefits, whatever? Get a job that provides them. You following your dreams and having a hobby as a job is not my expense. Yeah I'd love to "write", "draw", or be a "songwriter", but reality hit, I've got an awesome wife and she didn't marry an attractive bum with a sweet hobby.

Maybe Mr. Wolf is an amazing dude, always helping others selflessly, whatever. Maybe there really is NOBODY on this earth that deserves charity more than Mr. Wolf. I don't know. Cheers to a speedy recovery though.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011




And unfortunately Jim Schwartz declined another post-game meltdown.

But that won't halt the SPORTSPUMP!



No worries, Matty Ryan gets up, walks off the field, moons the fans, creeps into the tunnel and emerges on the next series to toss a sick pass to some weird wide receiver like he never missed a beat!

Then we got some cracker ass mothereffer delivering a blow to the nuts of a Packers O-lineman. Not sure about the backstory, but this dude, laying on his back, gives TJ Lang's nuts the boot. What, do the Vikings think they're the Steelers or Lions now? GTFO!


You've seen NFL kickers NAIL 60 yard field goals in overtime to win the game. But have you ever seen a kicker NAIL a return man like Neil Rackers does right here?

Rail thin, dad-haired, whiteboy hondydonk mofo PUT THE HAMMER DOWN ON THAT PLAY.

That's right, for the rest of this week, as shitty as it may be, as horrible as your life probably is, you need to summon your inner dad-hair, your inner cracker, your inner skindleton and PUT THE HAMMER DOWN ON THE REST OF THIS CRAP FILLED WEEK.

After that insane PUMP, I hate to leave on a low-note, but I just want to remind you that no matter how awesome things are, one day, the circle of life will complete itself on you; you will be the fuel for something else to live. And if that circle of life just so happens to be the death of you (think shark, lion, bear or vicious snake attack), well, I just goddamn hope somebody caught it on video and puts it up on Youtube.

OK, one last SPORTSPUMP brought to you buy the original SPORTSTHUGPUMPER, Alan Iverson, with some help from a couple of his SPORTSPUMP friends.

Monday, October 24, 2011

monday advice

So here we are, poaching advice column nuggets of gold. Never ceases to amaze me the kind of mind-bogglingly solvable quandries people find themselves in. Read on:

Dear Prudence,
I just graduated from college, am living at home, and started a year-long position as an AmeriCorps member. I'm paid a stipend set at the poverty line. Two weeks ago, my parents told me they expect me to pay them $80,000—half of my college tuition. We had never discussed splitting costs when I was applying to schools, and they discouraged me from considering state schools. If I knew that I would be responsible for half of the cost of my education, I would not have attended a private school. Still, I realize the value of education and want to take responsibility for my college costs. My parents recently sold their vacation house to help pay off my college costs and to celebrate the sale, they want us to go on vacation together in the fall. They expect me to pay $1,300 and take three weeks off from work for this "once-in-a-lifetime" trip. I can't. But they said that if I don't go, then they won't go. How can I meet my parents' expectations to be both financially responsible and supportive of their desire to travel?

I don't even know where to begin. I want to dispense advice, but wow, this may be beyond repair. First thing, she works for AmeriCorps. AmeriCORPSE LOL. Second, the parents are batshit crazy.

Weird, so let's recap: the parents appear to be in dire financial straits after apparently telling their daughter to spare no expense at college, planning on paying it back no problem. Then something happened. The husband's crippling gambling addiction. The wife's monstrous credit card debt. The stepbrother's untold thousands dropped on internet porn. Their American desire to spend beyond their means. Who knows, who cares.

Strange though, after the sale of property to pay off debts, profit (presumably best put toward the debt) is being used on superfluous celebratory vacations. Something is awry.

So Shawtie graduates, and her parents just out of thin air ask for half her tuition bill? I can't help but think that there was a huge miss-communication somewhere along the line. Either way, we weren't there, so we're gonna have to make some assumptions.

I guess from her perspective, she probably thinks she's getting owned, and it appears she is. Most likely, the parents took an oh we'll take care of it, don't fuck around with that pov state schools approach to her tuition. I can't believe that in 2011 anybody actually gives a shit where you got your undergrad from, unless you're going into grad school or something - state, private, online (lol), it doesn't matter, for the most part (YO WHERE MY U of PHOENIX PEEPS AT LOL?!?!)

While we can take solace in the fact that due to inflated egos or a sense of disbelief - their own fault -another family seems to have financially fucked themselves, we still have some advice to share.

Here's what you do, Shawtie, word for word: sit your parents down and have a discussion.

"Mom and dad. You told me to attend private university. To, in your words, drink and drug with the pious pupils at private school rather than the poverty at State U. I believed you. I trusted you. I slept with a good three quarters of the football, rugby and baseball teams. I believed in you, and the advice you gave me.

And here we are - you expecting me, probably not on any legal grounds, to pay you around eighty thousand dollars for my collegiate experiences and a couple STDS. For merely following your advice. As a minor.

You're getting older and as you try to fuck me now I will surely fuck you in the twilight of your lives. And I'm not talking about the good kind of fucking. You're my parents, gross. Ewwww. As senility, incontinence, dementia and various other all-but-guaranteed afflictions begin to take their toll, you will begin to wonder whether it was worth it to attempt to take advantage of your daughter during your vulnerable, mortal years.

With that said, let's work out a plan to help you help me, so I can in turn help you when the time comes. I believe that a good starting point will be a sincere apology to me, for your financial incompetence. And most likely it will end with contractual divorcing of me, Shawtie, from the consequences or your financial liabilities."

There you have it, a reasonable solution.