Friday, December 31, 2010

best of 2010

Hey, it's my annual top 10 albums of the year! Go ahead, check them out, and maybe you'll have a sick new soundtrack with which to ring in the new year/get t-boned by a semi as you're drunk driving home from a crazy NYE party.

Let's start out with my biggest disappointment from the year: Minus the Bear - Omni.
Now I'm not saying it's bad, cause it's really good. Just that when your lead single is as awesome as My Time (below), and the rest of the songs on the album pale, that (fucking) sucks (, bro). While this album is my biggest disappointment, the single is my favorite song of the year. Check it out:





10. Ke$ha - Cannibal
Having just come out in November, it didn't have much time to creep into my top 10. But it's Ke$sha: you only need to hear it once before any verse or chorus becomes permanently embedded in your little pea brain. And besides, I was actually thinking about putting Jason Derulio in this spot lol. With a couple (of the nine) tracks re-recorded or whatever from Animal, she still manages to cram more awesome (even a ballad!) into an EP than most bands can muster in a lifetime of crappiness.

8. Integrity - The Blackest Curse
Integrity is awesome; this album is awesome. Having been around longer than I've been alive (that's not totally true, but they have probably been around longer than you've been alive), Integrity rarely releases a dud; Integ2000 WAS GOOD, pussybeats. Oh yeah, fast, thrashy, evil, metallic hardcore with solos and a whole lot of awesome. If you're into that thing, welcome to the 8th best album of the year. If you're not, become intimately familiar with chugging bleach.

7. Fortune & Glory - Centurion
Wait, who? My goddamn friend's band from Madison, WI. Think if New Found Glory were still a local band, had arguably the most handsome guitar player ever, and featured a bassist that I'm friends with on facebook because he reads my blog, and you have Fortune & Glory. Fast, catchy, awesome pop-punk with hardcore nuances, I love it. Unfortunately, they're breaking up, but not before they were kind enough to agree to play my 37th birthday party next July! Thanks guys! Anyway, this got a lot of rotation in my car, and will be great to play on a nice Spring day.

6. The Damned Things - Ironiclast
Been waitin' on this album since I heard it was coming out, like a year ago. The Damned Things feature the singer from Every Time I Die, couple dudes in Fall Out Boy, couple dudes from Anthrax, some bass player from I have no idea where. Sound sketchy? It's not. They come together to play some insanely catchy, classic heavy metal influenced hard rock. Handbook For the Recently Deceased and We've Got a Situation Here are so catchy that it actually pisses me off. Like really pisses me off. At first, many people think that three guitarists is overkill, but with awesome melodies and catchiness, The Damned Things pull it off. Oddly, my least favorite song on the album is actually the hardest track, Graverobber.

5. Ke$ha - Animal
Appears Ke$ha is the Strung Out of 2010 with two (2) entries on my top 10. Yes, I'd rather have double Strung Out or double Maroon 5 on the list, but this is fine too. Ok, Ok, Ok, I get it; a lot of people hate Kesha. But not this guy. Her album is insane - insane awesome. First time I heard Tik-Tok, I couldn't stop singing it. And it's that way with every song. Yo, I get that there's no substance, and it's totally throwaway, that's cool. But the sheer catchiness of the songs is impossible to ignore. Let me put it this way, when you're cruising around shopping with your stepmom, and she's singing "I threw up in the closet, and I don't care...cause the sun is coming up and oh my God I think I'm still fucked up" along with the album, you know you've got a winner. Ok, and Ke$ha is kind of hot in some trashy, hot mess sort of way. Shoot yeah.

4. Vampire Weekend - Contra
True story, I was way late in getting into this band. I think their last self titled album came out in like 2007. Didn't manage to listen to that until the end of 09, and this came out in January 2010. Having initially dismissed it as shitty indie rock made by Ray Ban wearing preppy fuckheads (well, it kind of is, minus the shitty part), I happily passed them over for a couple years. Big mistake. Their afro-indie vibe is just too catchy to not enjoy. Yeah, the couple slower songs on the album REALLY FUCKING SUCK, but the more upbeat, poppier joints are impossibly awesome. Give Up the Gun, Cousins, and California English are lessons in how to write awesome songs if you're an indie-rocker. Also, album opener, Horchata, with it's beachy, feel good vibe, had the honor of being played during the processional at my wedding. Try to be pissed off when you're listening to that song. Go ahead...unless of course you're one of the many broads that didn't hit the lottery by winning the sweepstakes to marry me. Then I understand if you're pissed when you hear this song. Congrats again Heckyeahwoman.

3. Gaslight Anthem - American Slang
My third favorite album of 2010 was also my third most anticipated album of 2010. Their task of surpassing the awesome that is The '59 Sound (2008) would seem insurmountable, and indeed it was. This album is substandard compared to their previous long player; however, it is superior to every other album released this year, save for two (see below, idiot). Featuring a distinctly more bluesy/motown vibe on many of their songs, the Gaslight Anthem really showcases frontman Brian Fallon's great voice. Should be noted that this band is aping Chamberlain's Exit 263, which is fine, because that album is fantastic as well. And David Moore is a better singer & lyricist. And Chamberlain is better.

2. Dillinger Escape Plan - Option Paralysis
Dude, this band can't stop getting better. When they started, I didn't give much of a shit because it was just some dude yelling over insane, chaotic music played by musicians that are unquestionably more talented than anything you listen to. As their second and third albums came out, we found them experimenting with, uh, experimentation...and accessibility & clean vocals - making them much more than just a technical hardcore band. It's great to see singer Greg Puciato's progressively improving pipes over the course of a few albums; he's matured into a fantastic, dynamic vocalist. Of course they haven't ditched heir trademark crazy, techy, mathy brand of hardcore; they just now know how to write fully developed, catchy, awesome songs. Not a stinker in the bunch.

1. Maroon 5 - Hands All Over
By far, my favorite album of 2010, check this sweet review from right after it came out. It's Maroon 5 - you hate them, I love them; move on, shitheads.

Should have been in the top 5: Have Heart - 10.22.09. This live album should have been awesome, but the vocals were completely inaudible. Where da vocalz at?

Played out? I don't give a shit, I love this:




Wednesday, December 29, 2010

HDPU: judgement free zone my ass

The POST HOLIDAY HUMP DAY is here. Everybody'z bummed because Christmas, Kwanza, Hanukkah, and whatever other shit are all over. Yes, New Years Eve is coming up in a couple days, but we still have to make it through at least a couple days of work to get there.

And worse, NYE is Friday night, so presumably most of us will work a full day, or at least have to get up early to go IN TO WORK, its gonna be hard to stay up all night to properly ring in the new year.

That's where I come in - to provide the PUMP for you to party PROPERLY.

And today we're talkin' about the gym, so you know there'll be PLENTY O PUMP to go around. But here's the thing:

A couple months ago I was all PUMPED because I joined a gym - Planet Fitness. Their whole thing is their $10 monthly fees (PUMP!), and their "judgement free zone" (LAME!). You're supposed to be able to go there and work out without being judged (MEGA LAME!).













Well my friends, when you're workin' out anywhere near me, you're gonna get judged. It won't be fair, it won't be nice, but it's gonna happen. So SUCK ON THAT (KEEPIN' IT REAL PUMP!)

Went to the gym a couple weeks ago and walked up to the weights to grab a couple 20 pounders, but there was only one (1) 20lb, and one (1) 25lb. Weird.

Did a quick scan of the immediate area, and saw nobody using just one dumbbell. Did another auxillary scan and zeroed in on some 17 year old punk doing chest presses with two (2) dumbbells. After eyeballing him and his dumbbells, I saw that he was using one of each - a 20 and a 25. (YOU'RE THE DIPSHIT PUMP)

Water you doing, weirdo?

You think just because you're in the "judgement free zone", that you're not gonna get judged?

Think again, fruitloop. I just sat there, staring at him, silently judging him so hard. Dude could definitely feel the judging.

The best part? This song was PUMPIN' on my mp3 player.




Shitz so awesome, not sure how you can listen to this and not squat 5,000 lbs, not be in a good mood, and not get PUMPED.

Speaking of the judgement free zone, Heckyeahwoman brought up a good point: if you drop a bomb (fart) while workin' out, does anybody have any right to judge you?

Whatever, I do it all the time. Cause I LOVE FARTING IN PUBLIC. (PUBLIC FARTER PUMP)

Last thing here, and I have no idea how much this is going to PUMP you up, other than the fact that you should be glad you aren't this returd.

Not gonna drop some Shakespearean prose on you or anything, just gonna tell you straight up: I saw some motherfucker in the locker room, sitting on the bench in just his boxers, picking his toes.

PICKING HIS TOES.

Not just scratching an itch, not pulling a splinter out of his foot, FURIOUSLY PICKING THE LINT FROM HIS TOES. Furrowed brow, squinted eyes, serious look on his face, he meant business.

Now I'm not sure if this was pre or post-workout, but it was happening. I have no idea if the lint in his toes was inhibiting his ability to burn calories or build muscle, but it was inhibiting my ability to not FUCKING KILL HIM.

Thing is, I could talk shit to him, but he looked mildly retarded. I could coerce him into fighting me, but that would involve him touching me. And those toe-picking fingers aren't gonna get anywhere near me or my moneymaker. So all I did was say, "I hope you wash your hands, bro", as I walked into the gym to begin my workout.

And I swear, it must have been an act of Science, because this was the first song on my mp3 player:




PUMP ON, FRIENDS

Monday, December 27, 2010

slap in the face

Quick little slap in the face here, courtesy of Heckyeahwoman. Read on:

One thing I take pride in, and enjoy doing, is cleaning. I love having a clean kitchen and a clean bathroom. Though with the way I dump, it's near impossible to keep the bathroom as pristine as I'd like.

Last Sunday, I took it up on myself to clean the bathroom. I cleaned everything: floor, sink, toilet. OK, I didn't clean the tub; for some reason, I hate cleaning the tub.

A couple days later, like two, HYW cleaned the toilet. Noticing a slightly shinier sheen around the rim of the bowl, I saw that the toilet had been recleaned. Now this was just like two days after I cleaned it - nary a chance for me to tarnish the porcelain with dried liquid shit splatter: it was still very clean.

With my heart beating furiously, anger coursing through my veins, and an anxiousness I've never felt before, I confronted my wife: "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CLEAN THE TOILET FOR? I JUST CLEANED IT TWO DAYS AGO!"

Taken by surprise, but not anywhere near ready to back down, "it looked like it needed a cleaning", she stammered back at me.

Exercising great restraint, I calmly explained that I had just cleaned the toilet, and there was no noticeable shit spatter. Have you ever explained to your wife (or any female family member) that there was no shit spatter on the toilet? Have you ever screamed at your wife (or any female family member), "THERE WAS NO FUCKING SHIT SPATTER!"? Have you?

Well it's kinda weird. Especially when there are at least 5 other people that live in the same building, and the walls are paper thin.

We left it at that before things escalated.

Why she would do this is beyond me. But what isn't beyond me is the stinging slap in the face this is still smarting.

Tell me I've got a small weiner. Tell me I'm bad in the sack. Judge me, dump me, cheat on me; but don't you ever reclean anything I just cleaned.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

HOLIDAY HUMP DAY PUMP UP

THE HOLIDAYS ARE ALMOST HERE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T NEED A LITTLE PICKMEUP to get you through.

That's where we come in.
Today, Heckyeahwoman and I are driving back to WI. If everything goes right, we'll have left at about 9AM, to arrive in Chicago sometime to pick up Heckyeahwoman's sister & boyfriend from the airport. Not HYW's boyfriend, her sister's bf.

I have no idea what time the flight is coming in; she told me, but I was obviously too busy getting PUMPED to listen. All I gotta do is drive and follow directions, the navigating is up to HYW. So we'll leave in the morning with a trunk FULL of our stuff, two (2) cats, and an empty backseat.

When we pick them up, we'll have 2 people in the backseat, their luggage, their gifts, and the bf has a cat I guess. 3 cats, 4 people, plus luggage and gifts in 1 car BONERPUMP!

I'll keep you updated on the voyage.

And because I hate kids, and seeing them cry PUMPS ME UP:














And because lol:






















Dude, it's like 3 days till Xmas, I'm heading to hang with my family for a week, get gross with my brother, terrorize my hometown, and listen to the following song on REPEAT FOR SEVEN STRAIGHT DAYS, that's not enough to PUMP YOU UP, you're fucked.






Happy holidays, get PUMPED, and spread some Holiday/HYM cheer this year!

Monday, December 20, 2010

don't ask, do tell

Don't really have anything "creative" or "funny" about this, just wanted to make a hilarious play on the DADT insanity that's infiltrating the news.

Well since we're here, why don't I just go ahead and cover the topic.

I don't know, I've never been to war before. So maybe I'm not the best person to comment on DADT. Also, I've never been, and will probably never be gay. I mean, I've definitely experimented a lot, many times, and will continue to experiment.

Many would say that the level of my experimenting, combined with the intensity, would make me gay. But I know deep down in my heart that I'm not gay. Anyway, this blog isn't about me; you're not asking, and I'm not telling.

Like, what really goes on during war?

Is it just chillin' in the foxhole, smokin' cigarettes, taking enemy fire, thinking, "dude next to me is gay omg". I can't imagine that thought ever crossing my mind. If you're anything like me, and for your sake let's hope you are, you'll be thinking, "holy shit I don't want to die", rather than worrying about fellow soldiers gettin' down with dudes.

The more that I think about it, if I were a soldier, I'd want all the dudes around me to be gay. Think about it; when soldiers aren't on duty, they go out and party. I'd much rather be out with a bunch of dudes that aren't interested in blasting chicks, than a bunch of dudes all scammin' on the same slores. Less competition, bros, think about it.

And you know what else? Broads dig dudes in uniform. You're out with your unit (with your unit just hangin' out, floppin' around), and the bitches are hittin' on all your bros, only to be turned away, and pointed in your direction.

Sounds horrible.

No but seriously, I think we can assume that the people that don't want homosexuals to serve in the military are retarded/don't like gays, right? Then my question is, if you don't like them, why wouldn't you want them to be shipped off to war, to get killed. Sounds kinda backwards to me.

Homophobes are homophags.

Anyway, not to get all political here, it's Monday, most of us have a shortened week due to the holidays, the last thing we wanna do is get all riled up over some politics. So let's all get riled up over something else.

Let's focus on the main segments of people that are actually destroying the moral fabric of our society: homeless people and elves. These are the people we should single out.

Why anyone would choose to be homeless is beyond me. What is so attractive about not having the means to do anything, except turd everybody else's lives up? I hate that when you see some idiot just standing there, bein' all homeless and stuff. Like, really? Are you nuts dude? Why you so poor? Go get a job, and work, and not be homeless. Maybe go to the gym once in a while too. Oh wait, you did go to Gainesville Gym, used the bathroom to shower, got caught by the owner, and thrown out lol.

Elves don't get to choose whether or not they are elves. They do get to choose whether or not they wear the pointy shoes, and whether they adorn themselves with little bells. When's the last time you've met an elf that you like? Sure, you've seen the movie, Elf, starring Will Ferrel, and it was really funny, but that's just a sensationalized, churched up version of real-life elf-living. Elves, you're a step above homeless people, but only because you have a home. And it's a baby step too. Screw you, elves.

Friday, December 17, 2010

viking fanz r dum

By now I'm sure most of you have heard about the Minnesota Vikings' stadium roof collapsing under the crushing weight of brutal Minnesota snow (Minnesnowta?).

If not, peep the vid below. Like the dude said on last weeks NFL pregame, it "looks like some James Cameron Titanic shit, yo".



Sweet.

So the game was moved to the Detroit Lions' field on Monday night. Tickets were free, but were "sold" out by 9am Monday morning.

Anyway, the Vikes still can't play ball in the Metrodome, so they're in dire need of a replacement NFL stadium for their upcoming matchup against whoever. Rather than playing at the other team's field, they're using the University of Minnesota's outdoor TCF field.

But according to this article, the field is covered in 5 foot drifts of snow. That need to be cleared.

And guess who they're letting shovel the snow.

Yep, the Minnesota Vikings are allowing their football fans to volunteer to shovel snow.

UPDATE! Now it appears the Vikings will be paying the workers, due to liability issues. Or like the article says, due to the Vikings repeatedly sucking generous amounts of dick, their 5-8 record, Brent Favre wearing sweet tapered leg Wranglers to practice again, and the fact that nobody in their right mind would want to shovel snow for free.

I don't even want to shovel snow for money.

Speaking of football, I mentioned the other day that Heckyeahwoman and I qualified for our fantasy football playoffs by finishing first and second, respectively. It's true, we both qualified again. Maybe you remember last year, we both made it to the championship.

Where she beat me. Then I beat her, so it evened out.

Anyway, our league was really tight, and it came down to the last game of the season for three of the four of us trying to get in. Heckyeahwoman already locked up her spot last week.

It just so happened that one of the dudes in the league that needed a win to get in, was playing his wife - who had no chance of making the playoffs, cause she's in the cellar every year. It's pretty clear she didn't play her best lineup, in what appears to be an effort to help her husband win...and make the playoffs.

Either way, totally a sketchy move. But what wasn't sketchy was my hilarious post on our fantasy football league, directed at the shady dealings:

congrats on making it into the playoffs.

unfortunately, the fact remains that your wife laid down for you, so you could win. whether or not you needed her help is irrelevant; you still asked her, and she complied. any way you slice it, that's a bitch move. once again, the rampant douchebaggery you've displayed in years past has reared its ugly head. your serial engagement in shitdickery of the highest order is not just embarrassing for you personally, but also detrimental to the integrity of the league.

your life has been reduced to essentially cheating at fantasy sports, with your wife as your accomplice. my life has been reduced to being awesome, doing awesome things every day, authoring the best blog ever, writing some of the worst songs ever, hitting the gym hard as shit, and doing donuts in wal-mart parking lots (weather permitting).

heck yeah, man.

Sadly, his rebuttal wasn't quite as awesome. And that's not a dig at him, rather a credit to my far superior wit. Again, not implying that he has a lack of wit, just that I'm really clever. To clarify, I'm not saying he's not really clever, I'm just pointing out that I'm on some next level shit. Doesn't mean he's not on some next level shit, or couldn't be on some next level shit in the near future, just that I'm a cut above. Understand that it's not that he's not a cut above, it's that I think there is an underlying issue with not just him, but the 6 other characters in my fantasy league: they're all just jealous of my team name - ROCK HARD RETARDS.

You know it.

Coincidentally, I play him in the first round this weekend. He's got a really good team again this year. And one more thing, I just noticed that last year's final standings are exactly the same as this year's top 3 seeds: Heckyeahwoman, me, and him.

Dude OMG.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

HDPU: YOU GOT STUFF IN YOUR TEETH

A confession: this PUMP may be a little half-assed. Been a rough couple of nights: get home from the gym at like 7:45, shower & eat and all of a sudden it's 9ish. GD, son, where the time go? It's the holidays, so I've been furiously Xmas shopping to get the order placed so we can have the gifts delivered before we bust outta town. Last thing I need is for our gifts to be delayed again.

Then I need to have that done by 11, so I can watch The Office, and then go to bed. So yeah, I spend all day at work on the computer, then come home and spend almost all night on the computer.

Here we are, Tuesday night, it's like 10:51, and I'm pisse-wait, what?



PUMP IS HERE, PUSSYBEATS.

Watch that awesome video, listen to that awesome song. Do it now.

Anyway, this has nothing to do with the video, but it has everything to do with personal hygiene.
AND PERSONAL HYGIENE PUMPS ME UP.

Every day at work I eat a spinach salad with my sandwich. It's quite delicious, as I've graduated to eating it without any dressing at all. Just pepper. And as any of my fellow spinach connoisseurs know, spinach gets stuck in your teef like woah.

But it's worth it, cause I love spinach. I LOVE FUCKING SPINACH. Wait, I FUCKING LOVE SPINACH. That's better.

I packed my lunch for Monday, and was so JACKED that I forgot to pack a FORK. GOD FORKING DAMMIT! It was awesome when I whipppppped out my di-uh, my salad, and realize there's no fork. Lucky for me, my little Grecian friend has a shitload of gyros, the sickest jeans, and more importantly, a used fork. Just needed the fork, don't give a shit about his gyros or jeans.

He was kind enough to let me borrow his used fork. Man so I marched that dirty ass fork into the bathroom and scrubbed it furiously. Finished up with some pre-lunch handwashin' prep, and it's NOMtime, friends.

Lunch continued on without incident.



Well, actually I watched the above video and almost choked on my sandwich cause I was so PUMPED.

Here comes the rub now. After lunch, as I'm heading for my after-lunch-urination, and to wash my little friend's fork, I totally forgot to check my teeth - you know, to make sure I ain't have no chunkz of spinach in my teefz.

Goddamnit.

Of course I got roped into a conversation right as I'm exiting the turlet. Just standing there, trying to carry on a conversation, but still trying to hide any potential green chunkz in my teeth. I probably looked like an asshole.

And you know what, here's another sweet video because I don't think I've yet done a sufficient job of delivering the PUMP to get you through the rest of this COLD ASS WEEK.




EXTRA BONUS PUMP: HECKYEAHWOMAN AND I QUALIFIED FOR THE PLAYOFFS IN OUR FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE. SHE FINISHED FIRST; I FINISHED SECOND. Probably gonna have a separate blog on the shenanigans that ensued. But till then, STAY PUMPED!

Monday, December 13, 2010

a strange day

Damn, this must have been like almost 10 years ago. If my memory serves me, I was a sophomore in college. This blog wasn't even a fleeting thought. Must've been early-mid December, as the fall semester was coming to an end.

After a rough day of easy day college classes, I was pretty tired. To make matters worse, I'd been suffering from a horrible cold, and just wanted to go home to take a nap. Hell, I even skipped the gym that day. But there was one thing I needed to do before nap-time.

Get a haircut.

Srsly, my hairz were getting all kinds of shaggy, and that ain't how I roll.

No worries as I swung by Cost Cutters for a quick cut. Goddamnit, it'll be a 10 minute wait. Didn't have much choice, so I waited. Finally my name got called, and there we are -basking in the glory of a sweet haircutter chair. There's something so comforting about that familiar shitty hair-cutter smell. Something even more comforting about a trashy, borderline-not-really-hot, high school drop-out skank running her bony fingers through my hair.

Being that I had a brutal cold, my nose was running like nonstop. Ur boi had the sniffles, and I kept wiping my nose to prevent snot from running into my mouf. But one time, about halfway through, as I went to wipe my nose, I noticed the kleenex was bloody. That's weird.

And just like that, the blood started dripping out my nose. Yeah, a nosebleed.

OK, this is kind of embarrassing. With a nervous smile, I excused myself into the bathroom. Couple minutes later, back to the haircut. I don't know, during the winter it's a little dryer, and I guess my nose thought it would be good to bleed a little. Just happy I ain't bleed all over my sweet Jncos, or sick 2XL ICP t-shirt.

No doubt the stylist cuttin' on my hair thought it was weird. In fact, I could see the disdain on her face as she noticed my nosebleed. Now she can think about what's weirder - a customer getting a nosebleed mid-cut, or me stiffing her ass with no tip. Note, stIffing her ass, not stUffing her ass.

I don't remember whether or not I did manage to get that nap. But I do know that my haircut was awesome.

Not sure why I thought this story was worth sharing.

Friday, December 10, 2010

good business, dawg

I've long been an enemy of diversity merely for diversity's sake. Most of you should probably know that. Conversely, I've long been a champion of putting your best foot forward, regardless of the color of your argyle sock.

And when people go out of their way to suck diversity's dick at work, yo, I gotta say something.

Look at it this way, the last time you went to a job interview, were you hoping your future potential boss was African American, White as fuck, or Chinese American? Or were you more worried (morried?) about your boss2B turning out to be a COMPLETE DOUCHEBAG?

Not that I have anything against loudmouth, male Italian Americans in their mid-20's.

Anyway, I'm guessing you were leaning towards the latter.

The point is, I was browsing the internetz the other day, and came across this "message from the president" from some company. It's from a huge company, and while he's trying to be diverse and green and shit, check the hints of insane racism that still sneak in. Let's peep this, paragraph by paragraph:

***** has long been committed to strengthening the minority/woman-owned business community. Our experience proves that assuring equal opportunity for MWBEs to compete among our broader supplier community is first and foremost good business. Supplier diversity has yielded numerous efficiency improvements throughout our enterprise that have directly improved our ability to serve our members.

A, so now we're giving acronyms to whatever the fuck we want? Yo, I got some acros that need some nyms, if you feel me. And B, they weren't giving equal opportunity to MWBEs before? Well what prompted the change? Dude had a revelation that "yo, I'd much rather do business with hot slores, and I can use this stupid policy to MAKE IT HAPPEN, WUT"...rather than just give an opportunity to those that worked hard and developed substantial business acumen.

Funny, I don't think there has ever been an "efficiency improvement" that can be credited to race or gender. I hired Jamal and our profits went up 500% because he's black! When Juan was promoted, he shot our margins up to 60% because he's Mexican! Sally saved the company $300M in overhead expenses this fiscal year because she's a woman!

"Hey HYM, how'd you get that huge sale in?"

"By being a crackerjack ass sucka, wtf u thinkin?"

In addition, a diverse supplier base also provides ***** with opportunities to lend our strength to growing businesses in some of our most economically-challenged areas. Encouraging entrepreneurship and competitiveness is the best way to make a lasting positive impact on a community.

Because the "diverse supplier base" can only reach out to "economically-challenged" areas? Holy crap, that's business-speak for "now we can exploit nonwhites and women, you know, poor people". Uh, that's pretty jacked up, even for my low standards.

ROFL @ "encouraging entrepreneurship and competitiveness". More like encouraging freebies, handouts and a sense of entitlement.

One last reason that we will continue to actively seek out diverse suppliers is because it is just plain fair that our vendors reflect the cultural variety of our membership and workforce. We look forward to strengthening our relations with current MWBEs and forging new partnerships with emerging competitive enterprises.

Funny, I woulda thought it was "just plain fair" to select vendors based on what they can bring to your business, rather than their gender or skin color. Maybe I'm just old fashioned though.

Cordially,

An Asshole


Totally mindboggling.

On a lighter note, I recently ended my streak of binge drinking at like 14 nights. Of course that was on Tuesday, and today is Friday, so I'm sure by now I'm 2 or 3 days back in again.

I played some sweet vids this past Monday, and I'm probably gonna do it again. That COD: Black Ops game is sweet as fo. I kept trying to shoot my buddy, but he turned friendly fire off. Pussy.

He's reading this, thinking, "I'm going to blast that dickhead next time he comes over".

I'm reading this, thinking, "heck yeah you are bro, heck yeah you are".

My wife is reading this, thinking, "my husband is retarded".

Our little orange kitty is not reading this, thinking, "omg why i so cute rofl?!"

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

HDPU: went to the mall last weekend

Had a nice little Saturday with Heckyeahwoman last weekend. I can only hope that this Saturday can be just as bomb. And PUMP FILLED.

Started out, hungover as FUCK - not her though - had some coffee, chillin' in my underwear as we decided what to do. We both needed to do a little shopping, so to the mall it is. Got there around 1:30ish, and headed straight for JC Penneys cause they had some sweet deals. Wound up buying a couple pairs of the illest jeans, and a money clip. Shit yeah, ILLEST JEANS PUMP UPINYA.

Heckyeahwoman bought some aw shit who am I kidding, I don't know what the hell she bought. WHATEVER YOUR WIFE SAYS IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER PUMP ALL DAY. All I did was carry the big ass bag around the rest of the day. YES HONEY I'LL CARRY THAT BAG PUMP OH YEAH.

We were both pretty PUPMED with our successes at Penneys that we decided to keep shoppin'. Going our separate ways seemed like the best way for us to buy whatever else we needed, get done, and start partying. So I headed over to American Eagle, and it was surreal.

Insane.

I've never been to that store when it was that crazy. There must've been like 80 employees there to greet me after every step I take. As usual, I ignored the dudes, and smiled and engaged the chicks. Shawties hollin' @ ur boi all day like wuh. BITCHES EYEIN' ME UP ON THE REGULAR SUPER PUMP!

I saw they had some deals, so I was lurkin', when I notice myself walking towards a woman. She appeared to be a manager, as she was maybe 10 years older than the 18-22 year slores jockin' me. That, and she had a sweet earpiece she was talking into. But it's not the earpiece that got my attention.

No, it was what she was saying into it, that got my goat. Now, keep in mind that this is inside an AMERICAN EAGLE store, not the oval office, the pentagon, the sidelines of a football game, or some high level boardroom meeting.

"C'mon team, we really need to focus today. We need to be a team and focus. Remember, focus".

Wait, wha?

The stressed out look on her face, the super-serious tone in her voice, and the penetrating stare in her eyes were all freakin' me out, man.

Dude I couldn't take it anymore, I bought my sweater and got the fo outta there. PUMPED 2 B OUTTA THE CRAZY-ZONE.

Shortly I found myself meeting back up with HYW, heading to Bath & Body Works, and all of a sudden a rush of highschool memories flooded over me. The innocent, corny-ass Bath & Body Works gifts I gave to high school girlfriends lol.

Man I was one corny-ass dude back in the day. Never stopped me from gettin' my mack on proper, though. CAN'T STOP THE PUMP!

Finally, shopping is done, PARTY MUHFUGGIN TIME. Yo we busted outta the mall, argued about what to do next, light spousal abuse may have ensued (PUMP!), and came to the conclusion that we should head to Damon's (PUMP), get some beers ($3 22oz DOMESTICS PUMP), and watch some football (DIE CAM NEWTON PUMP!).

lol @ HYW ordering the buffalo chicken sandwich, and me ordering the buffalo chicken grinder. LIVIN' THE ALL BUFFALO, ALL THE TIME LIFESTYLE MEGABONER PUMP!

Nice little Saturday. So PUMPED right now, I just want to go to back to THE MALL WITH MY AWESOME WIFE AND GET LOADED.

Yo where the cr00sh tunes at? Look below, silly, and get PUMPED


Monday, December 6, 2010

got a sweet coupon the other day

Got this sweet coupon yesterday, for real. Check it out:











At first I was like, "20% off, oh heck yeah!". Then I saw the Dunham's logo, and was all, "meh, but whatevz, 20% off is sweet".

After more thinking, "yoooo, that Dunham's is in Ypsi, straight hood, son".

But check out the fine print. Like you can't buy anything. ANYTHING.

WTF

Needless to say, I won't be shopping at Dunham's.

I ain't worried. Yo we were chillin' at the Pistons game on Friday, in a dope box seat. Place was stocked to the gills with free food and beer. And if we wanted any of the hard stuff, they gave us wristbands so we could creep over to the fancy bar and get whatever we wanted.

Totally ballin' for a night.

Before the game started, we got to go down to the court and chill with the Pistons for 15 mins. Before long, I was highfivin' and pimpslappin' wif Joe D, Isiah Thomas and Bill Laimbeer. Actually with Isiah, it was more like ho-slappin', but whatevz.

After the game, we hit up some sweet bar for a few cold ones, I beat the pants off one of my co-workers in one of those basketball arcade game things. Four times in a row. Homeboy was straight shocked. And upset. We all had a good laugh when the boss caught him in the bathroom in the middle of a tear-fuel'd whack off sesh.

Finally, it was time to call it a night. So we all piled back into the bus, and after the driver getting all kinds of lost, we were on the way home. No kidding, he drove us around this lake like three times before we were on the right track lol.

Knowing we were like an hour-twenty from home when we left the bar, I went to the urinal and whizzed my brains out. Ain't wanna have to piss m'self in the bus, with my boss, and assorted other people I don't want to embarass myself in front of.

So wouldn't you know it, about 15 minutes into the ride, I feel the stinging pangs of havin' to urinate. We got mad lost, and I thought MY FUCKIN DICK WAS GONNA EXPLODE.

On the real, I've never had to pee so bad in my life.

Aside from the time I grabbed my sister's boob in front of her boyfriend, at a funeral, like 3 years ago, that was the most uncomfortable I've ever been. SRSLY.

Surprisingly, we made pretty good time, and it was a mad-dash to the terlets back at the office for ur boi to get his pee on.

I don't really have a sister.

Friday, December 3, 2010

end of week wrap up

First, thank you for all the comments!


After seeing the monster comment success of HUMP DAY'S PUMP UP from this week, I thought it was nigh time for your boy to acknowledge some of the extra sassy comments from the past couple weeks.



Can't remember when, but a post or two ago, "shawty" commented: "Why are we even friends?". I honestly have no idea who it is. Either way, I hate the commenter, love the comment. Lol @ the anonymous comment after my response: "fuck you, asshat".

That one, I truly have no idea who it is.

But you know what? I hope they die. But not before they find someone to replace the pageviews!


Check out this sweet comment from the most recent HUMP DAY:






























Holy ROFL at that little trollgodhead poking out of the clouds. Also, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT "B" LOGO DOING ON THAT BASEBALL PLAYER'Z CAP?


FUCK THE RED SOX.








And yo, check this out, I arrive at work on Monday morning, and immediately get an IM from my homeboi, ****. It had a link in it.

The following youtube video is that link. Mom, maybe don't watch.






"I don't want a bitch that reads".
"Opinionated girls talk back. I ain't axe you shit. Who da fuck are you?"


Tuesday morning I woke up to look at my league's fantasy football standings. Good news - I'm in second place! Greater news - Heckyeahwoman is still in first place!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT

I ain't marry a chick that's gonna suck it up all season. Nah, shawtie makin' moves, gettin' points and findin' ways to win. Thing is, I never hear her thank GOD for a single one of her points. Though I do definitely hear her slam cupboards, beer bottles, the coffee table, and the cat when she's not winning lol.

It's like I've found the ultimate way to get under her skin: have her lose at fantasy football. Though the last three times we've played, she's uh...beat me. So yeah.

May be time for me to buss out my brass knucks.

What a week! Oh, and I'm going on like 9 straight days of getting loaded heck yeah should be a brutal weekend.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: BLAME IT ON GOD

Today we gotz an extra special PUMP for you on this HUMP DAY.

Many of you are familiar with the common tradition of sports figures thanking God for a great play or a huge victory. Happens all the time - anything from a simple gesture of pointing to the heavens, to a full blown speech thanking God for some sort of insane behind the back somersault catch.

Either way, it's FUCKING RETARDED. God didn't make you catch that ball, the years and years you spent practicing actually conditioned you to catch that ball. God didn't will your team to victory, rather your pre-game preparations, combined with a strong team effort fueled the victory.

Did God will the other team to lose? Did God will the dude on the other team to break his hip in half so you could dive over him for that touchdown? Dude's hip is broken in half, can you even comprehend that?

It's like the time I was at work and this chick got a sale, and then she thanked God for it. I immediately asked her if she was going to give her commissions to God (lol omg where would she send the check omg lol).

My query was met with a confused look and a nervous chuckle.

Anyway, maybe you saw the Bills - Steelers game over the weekend where the QB made a perfect toss to Steve Johnson, wide open in the endzone, in overtime, to seal the victory.

'Cept he dropped it.





OK, Johnson dropped it, his team went on to lose. Lol that sucks bro. But then my boi Stevie dropped some knowledge on twitter.















THIS HOW YOU DO ME? Only thing that's missing is a substitution of "YOU" for "U". Never mind that homeboy made a habit of dropping balls...no wait, BALLZ...dropping BALLZ all day. Like 5 of them.


What does this have to do with a PUMP? Well you should be PUMPED up that there are people out there that are way DUMBER and way STUPIDER than you.


Is stupider even a word? What about now - STUPIDER? Shut up.


You should be PUMPED because some idiot with a crazy haircut is sitting around blaming God, and I'm sitting around eating Jimmy John's all day.
And because I'm so PUMPED, here's a little Deicide action for u:





Go out, shoot people, loot, slack off at work, eat your kids, do drugs with your gay uncle, watch the Sex and the City sequel, stick a pencil in your nose, fart in a puddle, whatever, and then blame it on God.