Monday, November 29, 2010

things that suck 2010

In no particular order Ima list a couple things that suck in 2010. Note that most of these sucked before 2010, and they'll still suck after 2010.

hipsters - I'm sure I've made a couple mentions about how much I hate hipsters in numerous posts. Just a friendly reminder that yes, hipsters still suck. Nothing groundbreaking, just...oh goddamnit, see what I mean? Look at this asshole. I hate him so much and I don't even know him. I feel horrible. Maybe he's a really nice guy, maybe he donates half his paycheck to kids with cerebral palsy, maybe he has a heart of gold. I'll never know, and I can live with that because he's such a goddamn stupid hipster with a shitty sweater.




















skinny jeans - Kinda related to hipsters, but skinny jeans suck enough to get their own little explanation. True story, I was jean shopping the other day, and while trying on like 37 pairs of jeans, thought it'd be sweet to try on a pair of skinny jeans. While yes, they do look awesome on me - especially highlighting my monstrous, muscular thighs - they did look fucking stupid. Great barometer to judge the quality of a person - wearing skinny jean? Fucking DOUCHEBAG. Not wearing skinny jeans? Probably a fucking DOUCHEBAG, but maybe not.

you - Yes, you still suck. There's only one cure for your suckiness: pass my blog onto a couple friends. OK, one other cure too: COMMENT!

atheists - Lol these crybabies hate Christians and brag about being atheists, then deify their shitty president. WTF, bro? I don't believe in god either, but goddamn (lol), I'm not 16 anymore; is it really that shocking, witty, or clever to make fun of those more pious than thou? Just shut the fuck up and get back to work.

liberals - The Obama dicksucking is just insane; I've honestly never seen anything like it. Even all the idiots that thought Bush was a good president weren't this bad. Despite tolerance and openmindedness being traditional liberal values, if you're looking for either, look elsewhere (hint: if you're a hot chick, look in my pants - you'll find tons there).

neo-conservatives - See immediately above, cause they're the GODDAMN SAME. But for some reason, since neither of them can differentiate themselves from the other - neo-conversvatives, you suck the fat one. Sarah Palin, you suck too. But goddamn you and your daughter are hot. Also included here: rural bumpkins (not to be confused with blumpkins) and Bush sympathizers.

holidays - Kinda bittersweet here, I love partying with my fam and shit, but I hate holiday cheer, Christmas lights, gifts, fun, egg nog, and caroling. That said, I love spending the night at either of my parent's places, getting tore up with my brother, and reminding them that despite my good looks, hot wife, and huge bankroll, deep down I'm still a fuckup at heart.

wet farts - Yes, wet farts actually suck. They always seem to happen at the most inopportune times. It can really be quite frustrating. At the gym, at the office, while boning, while sleeping, or in the shower. Each of those examples has either happened to me, and/or somebody I personally know. And as kind of an addendum, not being able to shower after taking a dump REALLY sucks. I can't help it, gotta stay clean, and a short, post-dump shower is a necessity.


There you have it, a couple things that suck.

Friday, November 26, 2010

happy black friday!

Don't get trampled!

But if you do, please make sure you have someone to replace your page views. Thanks in advance!








Wednesday, November 24, 2010

HDPU: PATH OF RESISTANCE

Got some good news for allay'all today - it's HUMP DAY, and I'm PUMPED UP because I'm leaving work at noon to drive 8 hours to Wisconsin.

Actually I'm not totally PUMPED UP because I actually like my job, and enjoy coming in and writing shitloads of business, dawg. But like anything, not working always trumps working. So PUMP ON, friends.

And there's not a whole lot that PUMPS a brother UP about facing an 8 hour drive. Well, except for the fact that I'll be driving with Heckyeahwoman, and I'll be PUMPING the following tunes at full volume for the ENTIRE drive.

Now if that doesn't get YOU PUMPED, I don't know what will.

Also, I'm looking forward to hanging out with my family a bunch too. Only bummer is that I don't think I'll be able to find any time to go shopping with my mom lol.

Now this has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, but this little story is full of CRAZY PUMP. I was playing some basketball with my tall friend from Tampa, and yo I was driving to the hoop, outta nowhere got mad ups, and dunked on that dude like what.

Next words outta my mouth: "can't stop the truth".




Picture this: It's your boi, HYM on Thanksgiving day, slowly awakening from a drug & booze-fueled slumber - with the scent of roasting turkey, mashed potatoes, and burning hair. Mmmm mmm, nothing like the smell of a homecooked meal to get me all PUMPED up at 1:00PM in the afternoon.




And yo, if this next song doesn't get you SO PUMPED to eat a raw turkey BEFORE you put it in the fryer, than I don't know what we're gonna do with you.

But on the real, my dad called me last week and told me that he's gonna give me some guns.

Wait, what?

Yeah, he's got some guns he's gonna split up between my brother and I. SUPER BONUS PUMP!

It's funny, my brother and I used to hunt back in the day, for god, probably close to like 10 years. We had shotguns and rifles, and my dad always made sure we had sweet guns to use. Or in my case, rarely use lol.

You know how people have financial advisors and brokers and shit, always moving money around & hustlin'? Well my dad was like our gun broker, always hittin' us with gun upgrades, managing our gun inventory lol, buying low selling high, so that often I wouldn't even know what gun I'd be using, or actually own lol.

I'd ask about the gun I thought I remembered using last, and he'd be like, "sold that one five years ago, you got a _____ now". Sweet lol.

Now he's gonna let my brother and I pick some sweet guns HECK YEAH BONER GUN PUMP I LOVE THANKSGIVING.

Don't like guns? Guns don't kill people, people with mustaches kill people. That, and I hope you die. Now go'on get PUMPED:



BLACK FRIDAY post coming on...Friday. Probably in bad taste too.

Monday, November 22, 2010

sports r awesome

We went to the University of Wisconsin Badgers - University of Michigan Wolverines football game on Saturday. It was pretty sweet. I guess Michigan Stadium is the biggest in the country. I don't know, didn't seem much bigger than The Swamp, despite the 15-20k seat advantage.

Pretty nice stadium.

So here's my thing with attending sporting events: They're fun, but most of the time the hassle of waiting in line, listening to idiot fans, and the super high ticket and refreshment prices makes watching the game at the bar much more appealing.

So we don't go to a lot of games.

Let's go through a little play by play of my documented experiences from Saturday.

It was a noon game, so we slept till like 10, took our dumps n showers, ate breakfast, and walked the mile to the stadium. It was kinda chilly, so before we left, Heckyeahwoman asked me, seriously, "You're going to double up on the socks, right?"

Nah, that ain't me. I graciously provided her a pair of my warm socks though.

And we did bundle up pretty furiously.

The walk wasn't so bad, nothing too crazy happened. Waited in a couple lines, but finally found our seats without incident. And by without incident, I mean I hit the first concession stand I could find and DEMOLISHED a $4 pre-game hotdog.

They have these sweet condiment pumps, so I'm reefing on the goddamn relish pump, and nothing's coming out. I mean, I'm pumping on this goddamn thing, and finally a huge wad of relish shoots out in a clump, all over my hot dog.

At first I was pissed, but then I took a bite and it was really really tasty.

OK, got a little sidetracked, so we're at our seats, and there is some mother sitting right behind us constantly explaining everything that is happening during the game to what was probably a foreign exchange student. That went on the entire game.

Then we noticed that there was some asshole in the stands playing a cowbell. But it wasn't just any cowbell, nah, it was a Wolverine cowbell. And he wasn't just playing it, he was FUCKING PLAYING IT. I've never seen a more SERIOUS look on anybody's face, ever. He played it so furiously that I started to feel bad for him.

I mean he played that cowbell like it's all that he's got. I'm pretty sure his wife took the kids and left because of that goddamn cowbell. What a dick.

Yo, I'm not against wearing a Gator hat, or a Wolverines shirt to a game, but bringing a cowbell would never even cross my mind. I can't imagine the thought process: "Dude I'm going to a college football game on Saturday, it would be sweet if I brought a cowbell".

Where does that even come from?

Finally, about halfway though the first quarter, the vacant seats to my left were finally taken by two (2) rural ass hillbilly retards. The score was 24-0, Wisconsin, at half-time, and these goofballs weren't taking it too well.

At one point, the bigger one yelled, "TAKE THAT YA CHEEZER!", when the Wisconsin quarterback got sacked. Lolz @ that quarterback tossing a TD on the next play. Anyway, this college football game got under his skin so much that he thought it would be a good idea to yell from the 50th row, on the other side of the field, "take that ya cheezer", to the opposing team's quarterback.

I can't imagine ever giving a shit about a game that much.

Also worth noting - him and his buddy were chewing tobacco, and it was gross. So rural.

As luck would have it, I wound up having another encounter with that idiot. Right after the third quarter started, I ran up to get some food. And as I'm making my way up the stairs to the concessions (behind a skinny teenager in a WI jersey), I spy my rural friend coming down the stairs!

Oh noes!

Lol, right as he passes by the kid in the WI jersey, he tells him, "you got some balls wearing that around here". Yes, that's a 35 year old grown semi-man talking shit to a teenager. ROFL, I watched as the kid lightly acknowledged him, shook his head, and kept walking lol.

FYI dude, a thick midwestern accent doesn't ever really come across as tough.

Almost forgot, I heard "fag" and "gay" multiple times from the dudes getting the angriest about the game. Like, I take pride in how much I discriminate against minorities, but even I couldn't imagine uttering those words so they're audible to anyone in public.

We've got a couple more sporting events lined up over the next month or so. Don't worry, you'll be the first ones to get the cr00sh updates. In the meantime, check out this sweet vid:

Friday, November 19, 2010

go ahead, frisk my jenny tulls

Have you been reading the news at all lately? You probably have.

While everybody is FREAKING OUT about the TSA full body scans and "enhanced pat-downs", we're all missing out on the sexy implications here: walking through the full body scanner with a RAGING BONER, or even sexier - the potential for hot chicks to be feelin' on my dong during a pat down...while I have a RAGING BONER.

Either way, boners are involved.

Now here me out hear.

Or, hear me out here.

In the last year or so, I've noticed the number of hot TSA agents increase exponentially. What used to be overweight, husky, sedentary cows are now increasingly good looking slores (that are probably DTF).

You do the math.

I don't know about you, but if you look at all the millions of times I've gotten laid, about 100% of bonings happened when I had a boner. And 95% of the time, hot slores were involved. Except for Heckyeahwoman, she's just hot, not a slore. The other 5%, the hotness was def questionable, while the sloreness wasn't lol.

Real talk: anywhere you go with a boner, including AIRPORT SECURITY LINES, the chances of you puttin' the pipe down go up. Throw hot slores into the mix, and you're golden. Mix in a sexy little pat-down, and there's no place I'd rather be.

"But heck yeah, man inc., what if they have some big, bubba-lookin' motherfucker to pat me down?"

Well if it were me, I'd just opt for the full body scan then.

But if I'm advising you, and I am, I'd say go ahead, take the patdown. I think it'd be hilarious for you (not me) to get a pat-down, RAGING BONER and all, from a big, bubba-lookin' motherfucker. Cause you know that's the last thing in the world he's gonna wanna do - calmly and nonchalantly frisk around some dude's stiffy.

Bottom line, next time you're in the airport, rather than bitching about the bullshit security that you can't do anything about, try to look on the brightside: if you play your cards right, you could be joining the pre-mile high club.

Talking about STICKING IT TO TSA amirite or amirite!?!?!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: WORKPUMP

So check this out: I work with this little guy, nice little dude - kinda weird, but homeboy gets it.

He really gets it.

He's fulla the pump.

Don't believe me? Look at how PUMPED he is when I told him I'm so awesome that even my cats have cats.




















That's right turdfriend, even my cats have cats.

The other day at work I was lurkin' redtube, no it was youjizz, wait no it was pornhub, nah I think it was tube8, musta been eskimotube, pretty sure it was freeones, aaaahhh it was youtube. Yeah, I was browsin' youtube, and came across this badass song to fill your tank fulla PUMPJUICE:





Not pumped up? Well guess what, watch this next vid, and notice the guitar the, uh, the uh FUCKING GUITARIST is playing. What the heck, pussybeats, you think I want you to notice the guitar the drummer is playing?

Well I have that same guitar. But:

1. Mine is a different color, and came with different pickups. Lol I guess it wouldn't technically be the same then.
2. I don't play mine nearly as well.
3. Mine isn't tooooooned nearly as low.

BUT I'M STILL ALL KINDS OF PUMPED UP cause this next song is awesome too:





Shit's so catchy, dawg.

And on a totally unrelated note, I finally came to the conclusion that I'm not a beard guy. Nah, I'm more of a designer stubble kinda dude. So I had to cut NOVEMBEARD A LITTLE SHORT.

By like a week and a half.

And after Heckyeahwoman incessantly complained about it, she didn't even notice that I shaved it off. I figure she must've heard the trimmer buzzing; but who knows, maybe she thought I was just trimmin' up my naughty bits.

Just think, a week from today, you'll probably be on your way to wherever you're going, ready to FURIOUSLY NOM on some turkey. Stay PUMPED the next couple days, do shitloads of drugs this weekend, and suffer through the first couple days of next week, and then before you know it, HUMP DAY PUMP UP PRE TURKEY DAY PUMP UP rears its PUMP-FILLED HEAD and brings you into the looooooooooong weekend.

Monday, November 15, 2010

free ATMs

This little gem has been hiding out at the bottom of my archived unpublished posts for months. Kinda got lost in all the awesome, I guess. Anyway, don't have a lot of time tonight, so I'm just gonna do some quick edits and post this old ass one.

I recently read an article about Democraps in Congress wanting to cap ATM fees at fifty cents. Having paid anywhere from $1.00 to $9.99 myself, and with the national average ATM fee at $3.54, I think we would all probably love to pay less each time we access our money at an ATM.

Aside from the initial giddiness most of would probably feel if this were to become a reality, the effect this would have on a given bank’s profits, what they would do to make up that money, and their revised business plan (a reduction in the number of ATMs), there is one other important question lingering that most people glaze over: who is the government to tell a bank how to run their business?

We must remember that an ATM is essentially a service that a bank offers to its customers. Yes, it might initially sound insane to pay to access your own money, but that’s the cost of having the convenience of doing it at one of the 425,000 ATMs across the country, rather than at your local branch, across town.

Last May, three Democrats proposed capping ATM fees at 50 cents. This was of course ended in the Senate, a week or two later, by Republican'ts, and the looming end of the floor debate.

Since this would be an amendment that many consumers would favor, it can be inferred that Republicans would block it just to remain partisan. Similarly, it could be argued that Democrats proposed it to win favor with consumers in the midst of upcoming November elections nationwide.

Do you think a more appropriate statement from the government would be to advise consumers that if they don’t want to pay ATM fees, they shouldn’t use an ATM - or is it OK for the government to strongarm its way into telling a business how to run its business?

If some asshole bank wants to charge me an arm and a leg to take out a little cash, that's totally their right. After all, I am an adult.

Don't want to pay ATM fees? Think they're too high? DON'T USE THEM THEN, YOU FUCKING PUSSY CRYBABY ASSHOLE; use your bank's ATMs for free.

The other day I drove to the bar, got loaded, got pulled over for drunk driving, got a $1500 ticket, got my license suspended for a year, and I'm pretty pissed off about it. Forget calling my lawyer, I'm calling my senator!

Friday, November 12, 2010

that sucks bro

And now, a short collection of brief stories from my experiences over the past 3 months at my new gym, Planet Fitness in Ypsilanti.

1. Yes, there actually is a place called Ypsilanti. Worse, on my drive to the gym in Ypsilanti, there's a huge sign that says "YPSI ARBOR". That sign, about 2 miles after a different huge sign that reads "ARBOR LAND". Wtf weirdos.

2. Had a small encounter with some wiry little bench-stealing shithead. True story, I saw an empty bench with a couple discarded dumbbell chillin' in the immediate vicinity. Thinkin' maybe some turd was on the bench, I walked up, looked around, waited a minute, and after nothing, I took it. Sure enough, right as I'm ASSUMING THE POSITION TO BENCH A MILLION POUNDS, some ratboy comes up to me like I'm on his bench.

"Oh, were you on this?", I inquire.

"Yeah", he answers timidly.

"Cool, I just got 5 sets, then it's all yours", I let him know.

3. This isn't really specific to my new gym, just something I thought needed to be commented on:

I consider myself a pretty good fart manager. What I mean is, I'm pretty good at controlling the sound and the fury of my flatulence. See at the gym I'm usually listening to my headphones.

But I hate farting with headphones on.
How am I supposed to know if I squeak one out and it's too loud? So I pause the tunes, nonchalantly empty the gas out from my bowels - in between sets of course - and continue on with my lifts.

I've gotten so good that sometimes I don't even notice that I farted until after I'm already surrounded by the ill effects of my humid, gaseous excretion.

Last week I saw some dude sniffin' kinda funny at the next station over, after I dusted him. That sucks bro.

4. There is actually a gym member that has a guido blowout haircut. I'm not even shitting you.


















It looks pretty similar to this goof. Just minding my own business, here comes some shithead with huge sneakers, huge basketball shorts, and a huge cutoff t-shirt, with two of the twiggiest, skinniest little bitch arms sticking out.
All capped with a guido blow out.
After looking him in the eye and smirking, it was back to the SKULLCRUSHERS.
I've been seeing him about once a week, and it never ceases to bring a ROFL, watching him almost dance up to the weights lol.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: HUMPIN N PUMPIN

OK, not really HUMPIN N PUMPIN, but PARTYIN LIKE CRAZY, GODDAMN.

Went to this bar over the weekend and they had whiskey shots...chased by a shot of pickle juice. Easily the best thing I've done recently. It was unbelievably tasty. Even Heckyeahwoman, who hates whiskey (more than she hates me), loved it!

Totally went to the store on Sunday and bought a jar of pickles. They should be all gone by the weekend...or tomorrow - leaving a good half jars worth of pickle juice. SHIT YEAH.

Quick update on last week's HUMP DAY PUMP UP, featuring this video: I got some good news (the video is awesome), and some bad news (it caused me to be defriended on facebook).

Lol it's true, I posted the video on facebook, received an angry comment, and a couple days later noticed I was a friend short on facebook! After some furious sleuthery, I deduced that the upset commenter was the facebook defriender!

That'll teach ya to mock one man's savior with a hilarious youtube parody video link!

On with the PUMP, friends.

Sorry, but we've got another work related PUMP. So check this out: it was like 3:45 and I just got out of a marathon appointment with the founder of the company. Writin' mad business, dog.

Dude I was hungry like woah. Without thinking, I head over to my bag, dig through for a minute, and smile in amazement as my hand emerges with a dark chocolate-mocha protein bar in its grasp.

This is gonna be tasty.

Right as I sit down to enjoy this PROTEIN PACKED PUMP INDUCER, I notice a figure creeping towards me. Oh snap, it's the head honcho. Am I getting fired already?

He bends down, and quietly asks me, "hey do you have another one of those?"

I answer, "shit yeah dawg, cop a snack in my bag, cuz".

I actually answer, "yeah, there's a bunch in my bag over there".

This is the second day in a row I've shared a protein bar with him lol. PUMP: I'm no longer the only weirdo in the office eating protein bars.

FUTURE PUMP: someday, maybe not tomorrow, or next week, I'm going to convert the entire office into protein bar afficionados.

Don't worry, I didn't forget the most important part of HDPU: the PUMPY TUNES!



I went to high school with that dude. While not the typical HDPU fare, shit's catchy, son.

Next week: we're gonna do a special HDPU featuring this little guy I work with. Should be a classic!

Monday, November 8, 2010

different gestation periods

Let's look at some of the different gestation periods among mammals.

Hamster - 16 days
Squirrel - 44 days
Goat - 145 days
Human - 266 days
Camel - 400 days (that's over a year!)

Pretty crazy, huh?

I wonder what the gestation period would be for a chocolaty heck yeah, man steamer treat? Let's investigate.

First thing I'm thinking is that wow, those mammals gestate the shit outta their young. My gestation isn't gestation, so much as it's more of a lettin' it stew kinda thing.

Depending what I eat, let's see how long it takes me to birth a coffee-colored bastard abomination:

Burritos - 15 minutes. If I manage to finish the whole thing, it could be up to fifteen minutes; if I only put down half to three quarters of it, we're lookin' at upwards of a 25 minute gestation. And that doesn't even count the seven or eight minutes worth of painful partial birth action.

Buffalo wings - they need their own category, check it:
From Wingzone - 7.5 minutes, MAX. I can barely even finish all the wings before my "water breaks".
Farrah's - Anywhere from 10-12 HOURS. Farrah's wings are good to me. Never get any preemies from them.
Anywhere else - 10-12 minutes. Wings generally shoot through me like a laser, not giving the final product very long to stew.

Pizza - yep, depending where its from, it could range from negative five minutes (Big Lou's delicious buffalo chicken, I'm looking at you) to an entire day (most anywhere else).

Hamburgers - Usually hamburgers stay brewin' in my bowels for the average length of their regular gestation. Now if we're talking about that really delicious hamburger I ate at for lunch by the pool at the fancy resort I was at for my honeymoon, then the truth is, I pissed that thing outta my ass before IT WAS EVEN SERVED TO ME. No kidding, right as I ordered it, I had to make a beeline for the turlet. It was messy, bloody, and very very runny.

I wish I could comment on a more diverse range of foods and their gestation periods, but I really fucking hate diversity, and burritos, buffalo wings, pizza, and hamburgers are about all that I eat. OK, I pound beer, whiskey and ice cream on the regular too, but it's Sunday night and I got things to do, bruh.

***Super-sexy bonus note about the weekend***

Last week at work, some people went out (thanks for the call, friends), and went to some bar where they were drinking whiskey shots, and chasing them with shots of pickle juice. Like everybody was talking about it. All day. As luck would have it, I wound up at that very same bar on Saturday night. Naturally the first thing I did was flag the waitress down, and ORDER...no, DE-FUCKING-MAND "whiskey pickle shots".

Being kind of disturbed by how eager I was, the waitress put the rush on the shit, and within seconds I was doing whiskey shots, followed by a chaser of pickle juice.

I don't know, but it was REALLY FUCKING GOOD.

Friday, November 5, 2010

anything vegan

Woke up last Saturday around 9:00 feeling great. Lol just kidding, I felt like shit and was pretty hazy from all that getting fucked up I did the night before.

Heckyeahwoman was out cold till like 11, so I just laid there, pissed.

Eventually she woke up and I offered to walk the 2 blocks to get us a Caribou Coffee treat. Shockingly, she offered to come along, so we jumped out of bed (without boning), got dressed, and out the door we were.

I wound up ordering some shitty mocha white chocolate pumpkin spice latte. It tasted like shit. Had 'em do white chocolate cause I'm mad racist, son. She got a plain pumpkin spice latte thing. It also tasted like shit.

Shoulda just got the amercano, dog.

Anyway, we were waiting for the javaz, and there is some weird ass "employee favorites" thing on the bulletin board on the wall. Like I give A FUCK about what some goddamn hot ass slutty high school barista gives a shit about. Whatever, among the favorites were their favorite coffee, movie, song, food, etc.

The point is, one dumb bitch put "anything vegan" for her favorite food.

What the fuck, did you misread?

I don't think it was "your favorite way to act better than me"; it was just your favorite food. Like maybe your favorite vegan dish.

There are only a couple foodz that are always 100% good: pizza, tacos, burritos, and beer. And whiskey. You can't fuck those things up. "Vegan" is not on the list. I've had amazing vegan food, and I've had shitty vegan food - it runs the gamut.

YOU DUMB FUCKING SLUT I JUST RAN OVER A SQUIRREL AND IM GOING TO EAT IT BECAUSE OF YOU FUCK YOU WHORE.

Obviously she wanted to let everybody know that she was vegan, and that by putting "anything vegan", people would know she was vegan, and that she was better than everybody.

I would have honestly rather seen a specific tasty vegan dish...you know, something to maybe inspire me to eat a MEAT FREE MEAL. Instead, I get some skank failing miserably at being awesome.

The more I think about this, the angrier I get. I just put my fucking 3 month old adorable kitten in the oven.

That's on you, slore.

Ok that's not true at all; I would never do that. But like 2 months ago I was biking in the neighborhood, and I saw some totally brutalized snake on the street. The fucker was like half skinned from his midsection to his tail. The rest of him totally normal, minus the being dead part.

As I approached, the swarm of crows, that were pecking at his corpse, all dispersed, and it was all I could do to hide my disdain for those nonvegan asshole crows.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: I GOT A JOB!

It's true - I got a job!

But like I told the CEO when he hired me: "I really like working here, and I like the offer, but I gotta tell you, it's bittersweet". His confused look informed me that I better elaborate: "Haha, no it's cool, I like you; I like the company. I just hate working".

And like that, a new chapter in my professional life has begun.

My first official day at work, I was subjected to a video - not a training video though lol:




So i guess work isn't all bad. And if that AWESOME video doesn't PUMP YOU UP, maybe one of the racist comments on the youtube page will:

DROCODRAMA 19 minutes ago "Racist Republican candidate Nathan Deal running for Govenor of the state of GA.If you win I hope you get asassinated while in office you white BITCH"!

YEAH TAKE THAT YOU WHITE BITCH! I'M GONNA FIGHT YOUR (PROBABLY NONEXISTENT) RACISM WITH REAL RACISM!

Still not PUMPED UP? Well, if you're at all like me, you got that song stuck in your head all day. But you can't go around singing it out loud, what with all those n-bombs. So what I did to make it singable in public, is to replace every n-bomb with "kitty".

I'M THE HEAD UH THE MUTHAFUGGIN STATE KITTY; I BROUGHT YOU CHANGE KITTY; WHAT THE FUGG U THANKIN' KITTY?

Little advice: not the best idea to pump this video 3 times in a row, and then sing it back to Heckyeahwoman for 20 minutes. That really pisses her off. But eh, like I always say: one person's piss is another person's PUMP.

And check this out, last friday evening, me and some dude were at the office till like 5:45 PM (WTF, KITTY?), just listening to this awesome band, Splitter. Not on headphones either lol; homeboy had this bumpin' real loud on his CPU. One fellow employee commented sarcastically, "great Heckyeahman, you like the same music as *****". Lol.



So everything is pretty good, I'm keeping my PUMP levels at 11, my boner at about 4.75", and my weight around 200lbs. Shit yeah pussybeats, can't stop the PUMP.

But what about you?

Are you just gonna sit here and read about how AWESOME I AM?

Or are you gonna get up, tell your boss to fuck off, and go and try to find a sweet job like mine where you can wear jeans to work and listen to SPLITTER really loud? ANSWER ME YOU FUCKING PUSSY.

Let's end this with a MASSIVE PUMP

Monday, November 1, 2010

halloween / potential band names

Just carvin' a pumpkin, no big deal.



















Check out Heckyeahwoman's on the right, turned out pretty awesome.
















The funny part was HYW ran to the store to get some beer, so I texted her to pick up a cheap pumpkin carving knife, since we didn't have one. She gets home, never got my text, and an hour later, after carving our pumpkins with huge ass knives, we're digging in our "holiday" box for halloween costumes, and what do we find?
A goddamn unopened pumpkin carving kit lol.
Anyway,
On a recent flight, after passing gas, I came up with a pretty sweet band name, AIRPLANE FARTER. Then I came up with a bunch more pretty sweet band names.

LIQUID TSHIRT

WIFESMELLER

HAIRSNIFFER

SNARKINGTON

PHANTOM SNARKERS

DICKIE DON'T

HAIRY BACK COMBO

THROWN ROPE CATCHER

THE DEALBREAKERS

TURDSHITTERS

IBOOGER



Think you can do better, probably not, but post your sweet band names in the comments.

Also, speaking of comments, we've had a rash of really clever comments sprouting up over the last month or two. Thank you to the 2 people who consistently comment.