Friday, October 29, 2010

cars that sluts drive

Over the years I've noticed that certain types of broads drive certain types of cars. I think it's nigh time for a quick scientific rundown of the different cars that sluts drive. From Mitsubishi Eclipses to Jeep Liberties, I'm going to tell you exactly what kind of twentysomething slut is behind the wheel.

***Mom, if you're reading this, be warmed - it gets kinda blue.

Mitsubishi Eclipse - the classic slut car. If you see a chick in this ride, you know she's an easy lay. She also probably has those ugly JLo sunglasses, and fake nails, but eh, at least she's female. This is the type of girl you find in the club, at the houseparty, wherever, tore up, gaggin' on some dong in the bathroom. Stay away, unless you're looking for a one-nighter, and an STD. And I think deep down, we all kinda are. Really tight jeans with ghetto white shoes alert.













2004+ BMW, Benz, Lexus, or Audi - the classy slut. Nothin' like riding around with some skank in a sweet car, tunes blastin', her hand down your pants, life is good. Been there done that. Here she exhibits the classic rebellion against her stuffy, Republican parents by adorning her ride with an Obama sticker. Don't worry, she'll grow out of it. For real though, she's flighty as hell and DTF. This chick is about as datable as we're gonna cover here, based solely on the fact that she's got money. Scratch that, her 'rents have got money. And she's most likely hot.

















Pick-up truck - country bumpkin slut. Since we're covering twentysomethings, you're not gonna see a lot of slores in pick-up trucks, but you'll come across them. And when you do, be ready to capitalize. The thing is, most of the time, she'll have her hillbilly boyfriend with her. Don't let that stop you from mackin' though. While she's redneck at heart, she's dying for a dude with a little class...just a little though. Please keep one thing in mind: her billy-bob boyfriend usually doesn't wear protection.












Jeep Liberty - the chick's SUV. What we've got here is an outdoorsy kinda slut. She likes to do outdoorsy things like hiking. And by hiking, I mean a cheap excuse to get pounded in the wilderness. Nothin' wrong with that, just know that if you find yourself creepin' on a slore with a Liberty, you're probably not gonna have a very tough time gettin' your poke on, outdoors or otherwise. On the scale of datability, bitches that drive these cars generally score a little bit higher. Why? I don't know.
















Honda Accord or Civic - the value-driven slut. Most likely this car is a secondhand vehicle, handed down from her middle class father. If she did manage to procure it herself, you can bet she bought it used. Does that make her a slut? No, but she makes up for her vanilla car by raging on the weekend, getting destroyed on the regular. Gotta admire a woman that appreciates value. *Heckyeahwoman, you are not included here.
















Toyota Prius Hybrid - the almost green slut. She feels bad about her insane energy consumption, enourmous appetite for steaks (and cock), and high paying corporate job where she gets paid to rip people off. So she buys a hybrid, setting her carbon footprint back to zero. Not quite, but that's what she thinks. This trick is fresh outta college, worked hard, got worked harder, and is cleavaging her way up the corporate ladder. She looks great in her business suits, thanks to hours spent in the gym every day. If she doesn't immediately come onto you when you walk in the room, then it's gonna be too much effort to lay the pipe here, better off doin' a quick scan for one of the sluts mentioned above.

















Disclaimer: not every chick fits neatly into the crude stereotyping above.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: HATEPUMP

There are a lot of people that it's OK to hate for practically no reason. These people include: select minorities, anybody different from you for any reason, women, little kids, animals, yourself, most cast members from MTV's Real World, Justin Beiber fans, crossing guards, people from a culture with which you're unfamiliar, and of course hipsters.

But none of these people are worse than the vile, the disgusting, the horrible, the worthless, the man who invented having no redeeming social value whatsoever, fuck this guy, MR TY PENNINGTON.



He believes "wish" is a really magical world. Did you know that when he was a kid, his parents gave him a hammer?

Lolol what a tool.

Goddamnit, Heckyeahwoman used to make me watch that Extreme Home Makeover show before Desperate Housewives every Sunday night. How can anybody like that dipshit?

And then I found out that there are slores out there that actually think he is attractive, holy fuck I practically cuffed Heckyeahwoman up for her gender's mis-steps.

OK, there is one slight redeeming quality for this turd: he plays ping pong. I love ping pong. I don't play enough ping pong. I would probably beat Ty Peniston in a game of ping pong.



After sitting here typing this thing up, I realized there really isn't a PUMP to be found. I mean, other than getting PUMPED UP about how much you hate this guy. OK, that's cool.

But let's bring this thing home:

A week and a half ago our friends invited us over for WINE AND CHEESE, and appetizers...a dinner party of sorts. It was fun. But then all of a sudden it got a LOT MORE FUNNER. Yeah, FUNNER.

HECK YEAH SEE BELOW:



We played some serious VIDS for like 2 hours. It was awesome; I was riding the SLICECYCLE, cuttin' zombies in half like what. Shit yeah, it's all I've been able to think about.

The worst part is, while we were playing Dead Rising 2 or 3 or whatever, I totally saw that homeboy had a sweet steering wheel/gas pedal combo thing for one of his racing games. I can't believe I forgot about that!

Believe me, I won't next time I'm over there.

Strap on those chainsaws, and go to town on some zombies/Ty Penningtons.

Monday, October 25, 2010

if i could be lebron james

Lebron James is a crybaby.

He recently cried to ESPN about how some idiots are making racist tweets to him. Racist tweets. Read that again: racist tweets.

Apparently he got called an n-bomb on twitter, and that's newsworthy. I listened to a DMX song the other day, and counted like 15 n-bombs. And he didn't mean it in an endearing sense, what with the way the n-bomb was bookended with f-bombs, and mother f-bombs.

Not sure, but is he surprised there are racist idiots in the world? On twitter? On facebook? Everywhere? Do you think he's surprised that people don't like assholes, and used racism to vent their disdain? What the fuck Lebron, are you fucked in the head?

James retweeted a couple of the hateful tweets, and ESPN reports:

"I just want you guys to see it also," James said after the Heat's practice Wednesday afternoon. "To see what type of words that are said toward me and towards us as professional athletes. Everybody thinks it is a bed of roses and it's not."

So he's telling us that being one of the highest paid athletes in the world, playing with 2 very high caliber teammates, and living in Miami isn't a bed of roses because a couple people called him a racial slur? That his life isn't insanely awesome (other than the fact that he's a tool)?

YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.

Also lol, he cried, again to ESPN, that the heat (lol) he took for going to...the...Heat...was racially motivated.

That, or you had a fucking insane one hour special on ESPN where you announced your decision where you're going to sign, like you're the only thing that matters in the world. Do you know what being a prick means, Lebron?

Listen, a spade is a spade, and if some dipshit is gonna sling racial slurs at you for being an asshole, that sucks, but too fucking bad. You are an asshole. It's too bad somebody had to bring race into it, but they did, and they're as much a scumbag as you.

Get over it.

Crying about some idiot to the country isn't gonna make it go away.

Lebron has a dream life; that's all there is to it.

It's times like this that I wish there actually was a heaven so that he could finally get what he deserves in the afterlife. Truth is, at the end of the day, the dicks poking fun of BronBron have a much shittier life than he ever will. That's gotta sting a little more than a couple stupid tweets.

Let's put this in perspective: what would I do to have his life?

Lebron thinks that racial slurs are the worst thing that someone could say to him. I don't disagree, tweeting racist anything at anybody is pretty ridiculous. But whatever, I'll give him that. Would he give up his million of dollars, his awesome life, everything, just to stop a few racist tweets?

Probz not.

What is the worst thing somebody could say about me? That I'm not funny, not handsome, or...gulp, not awesome? Let's go with that; I'm not awesome.

If I could live Lebron's life, I would gladly encourage anybody and everybody to tweet about how unawesome I am. Or what a cracker-motherfucker I am. I don't give a shit.

But you wouldn't find me crying about it; nah, I'd be too busy constructing the first ever bathrobe made out of purring kittens.

Friday, October 22, 2010

iron maiden

It's funny, I always feel bad about doing short little posts. Also funny: whenever I post something about keeping it short, it never winds up being short. Who knows.

One thing I'll never understand is the band name, Iron Maiden. In case you don't know, they're a heavy metal band. I don't really give a shit about them, but a lot of people do.

The name, Iron Maiden. OK, "iron" is a pretty tough, bad ass word. I'll give you that.

But the word "maiden". What's tough about that? Wikipedia says a "maiden" is a virgin. Nothin' bad ass about that.

What about when you combine them? Chemical element virgin? Metal maiden? Headbang to that, weirdo.

Actually, headbang to this:




Alright, that song is pretty sweet.

I was just sitting on the couch the other day thinking about this.

Right now, at any given time that any of you read this, there's a very good chance that I'm loaded, at the beach, driving, or pooping. Think about that for a minute.

Speaking of pooping, I've had a series of very unsatisfying shits this last week. I think it's due to my serious increase of cheese intake. For Real.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: BIRTHDAY/WEDDING DUAL PUMP

FIRST THINGS FIRST: TODAY IS MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY. I THINK SHE'S 39.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY MOM SHITTING ME OUT OF THE WOMB, I WOULDN'T BE HERE. THANKS FOR NOT FLUSHING, MOM!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! YOU'RE THE BEST MOM EVER!

I mailed my mom a birthday present, she got it Monday, and opened it. Didn't even wait till today lol.

PRE-CONGRATULATIONS GO OUT TO ***** AND **** GETTING MARRIED ON SATURDAY. Thought this was pretty appropriate for a HUMP DAY PUMP UP.

The good news is that it's in beautiful Florida, ON THE BEACH. Tons of our friends are gonna be there, and we're gonna get tore up and party. The bad news is that I have to fly to get there. FUCK YOU, FLYING.

The saving grace is that I'm flying first class, getting loaded on free whiskey, while Heckyeahwoman suffers in poverty-class lol.

No but seriously, nothing I love more than seeing two souls so deep in love go 'n get hitched for eternity. Wait, I love the fact that we booked the hotel next door to where the wedding and reception are, and saved like $100 a night.

I love that.

I also love titties and buffalo wings.

Back to the happy couple - it feels like just yesterday Heckyeahwoman and I were hitting Big Lou's for some Buffalo Chicken Pizza, and out walks ***** with some unkown tall, dark and handsome dude.

That dude turned out to be ****, heck yeah.

They're an awesome couple, and we're really PUMPED to be viewing their nuptials. Also PUMPED to drink a shitload of their booze, and eat some awesome food. They've been planning the wedding for a while; it should be pretty insane.

Can't wait to eat cake too.

Also worth getting PUMPED about: I got a new mouse for my computer. Seriously. It's the most effortless mouse I've ever used. All I have to do is think about clicking, or think about scrolling, and it clicks or scrolls. Dude it's awesome.

Join me in getting PUMPED through the rest of the week, the weekend, and maybe even a little bit into next week.

Monday, October 18, 2010

haha college omg

Having lived in two (2) awesome college towns, it's hard not to get into the local college team. Especially since my wife either GOT HER FUCKING DOCTORATE THERE, OR IS CURRENTLY A DOCTOR at the major college in both cities we've lived.

It's fun, we all get together, get loaded, and watch the game. I got my Gators shirt; I got my Wolverines shirt - I'm ready to party.

Apparently a drunk, obese, Michigan State fan we encountered wasn't ready to party with me. Yeah, we were at the bar to watch the Florida Gators - LSU Tigers game. Not even thinking, we went to the bar close to the stadium, shortly after the Michigan - Michigan State game ended...badly...for Michigan. So we walk into the bar, and it's packed. I hate packed bars, moreso when it's packed fulla drunk college sports fans.

After immediately entering the bar, some dude eyeballs my gator shirt, gets a smile on his face, and extends his hand for a high five. Kinda weird, but he was loaded. Whatevs.

An hour later, in the middle of the game, some drunk idiot walks past our table, spies my Gators shirt, and extends his hand like he's going to shake my hand.

Obliging him, I give him a handshake, and expected him to move on. He mumbled something about the Gators negatively, so I did the only thing I knew, "what was that, motherfucker? You wanna get cut you piece of shit?"

I'm trying to have a romantic night of college football at a townie bar, filled with drunk idiots, with my wife. Do you mind leaving me the fuck alone, diminutive turd? Thanks bye.

That asshole leaves, then some drunk Michigan State threesome enters.

The fat one notices my Gators shirt and starts yelling at me, "nothing good came from the Swamp!" Apparently she doesn't know what a Percy Harvin, a Tim Tebow, a National Championship, another National Championship, or awesome is.

Naturally I tell her that Tim Tebow will kill her, and to sleep with one fucking eye open.

This is pretty much what happened next:





Lol at being an overweight, ugly college football fan, yelling at a quiet couple just trying to watch a football game lol.

Friday, October 15, 2010

AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW WEEK!!! DAY 5





















Danzig - 1


True story - in a fit of laziness, I'm going to review an album that doesn't even need to be reviewed.

Awesome bluesy hard rock with great vocals. Almost like a heavy metal Elvis. Don't like Danzig? You don't know shit. There, now let's get to the goods.

Probably the best song on the album, a duet with a then unknown Shakira. Here we find Danzig expanding his artistic horizons further than he did with his previous bands, Samhain or the Misfits. Embracing diversity, Danzig tackles latino-punk, and sings partly in Spanish.






Another great tune showcasing Danzig's vocal range. And also what he likes to buy at the grocery store. It's wonderful to see him taking a time out from singing about being a demon, twists of Cain, and possession.

Love to see that Danzig is reaching out to a different target market with this song - soccermoms. Great song to listen to after dropping the kids off at soccer practice, then hitting the grocery store. Kudos to Danzig for getting out of his comfort zone.





Not sure if you managed to pick up the deluxe edition of the album, totally remastered, with bonus tracks. The last bonus track on the second disk is a long lost Danzig interview. It's called "Welcome to my book collection; this is just part of my book collection".

Holy ROFL at the werewolf part, "all documented, all true".





That's it for AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW WEEK!!!. Maybe ART WEEK!!! will make a late 2010 appearance. Back to the regularly scheduled ROFLS on Monday. Eat Shit!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW WEEK: EXTENDED PUMP

WARNING: DUE TO UNFORESEEN PUMP LEVELS FROM YESTERDAY'S HDPU, WE ARE ENTERING INTO AN EXTENDED PUMP ZONE THAT COULD LAST UNTIL 2012.














Where Fear and Weapons Meet - The Weapon

Do you like fast, angry hardcore with positive lyrics? Oh you do? Then I bet you just love Where Fear and Weapons Meet.

15 songs in less than a half an hour, and the album just blazes by.

This song reminds me of you; it's called The Man Who Knew Too Little.







I couldn't find any more youtube videos of Where Fear and Weapons Meet, and while that album is REALLY FUCKING AWESOME, all the songs are the same: fast, angry, catchy as fuck, and about a minute and a half. Great lyrics that really do PUMP YOU UP. No crying about girlfriends, just lyrics to inspire you to be a better person.

Do you really want me to type out a generic review about that?

Would you rather I just carry on with this EXTENDED PUMP?

Good, because I found this The Promise video, FUCK YEAH.

The Promise - My True Love (is PUMPING YOU UP)




THIS AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW HAS BEEN HIJACKED BY THURSDAY PUMP UP CAN'T STOP THE PUMP:





Dude if that video doesn't get you moving, or at least spinning around in your office chair, there's not much hope for you. It's Sunday night, and I'm typing this up cause I've got a busy week, and I just two-stepped through the living room while this vid was playing.

HYW thinks I'm nuts. But like I told her, CRUSH ALL FAKES GO!!!






Here's a review for you: The Promise is awesome, and their music gets me unbelievably insanely PUMPED. Even for a non-HUMP DAY PUMP UP DAY.

I know most of you don't give a shit about Where Fear and Weapons Meet or The Promise, and I can't really say that I do either, but like The Promise said, TURN YOUR BACK ON THIS (PUMP) WELL FUCK YOU.

Last AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW!!! tomorrow, totally promise it will be something we're all gonna like lol.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

HDPU: AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW!!!



















Strife - In This Defiance

True story, Strife has been the cause of many real life PUMPS. Even though they have only been featured on a handful of HDPUs, they keep it PUMPED TO THE MAX in real life (IRL).

Sitting here, I can recall many times where Strife is playing on my ipod, and it's all I can do to not just start spinkicking and floorpunching the shit out of everything: waiting with HYW at the emergency room (twice), waiting with HYW at her lab on campus while she does some stuff, waiting in line at Paula Deen's restaurant in Savannah to get a reservation for lunch lol, waiting in line at the biannual huge book sale while HYW runs to get us coffee.

Speaking of waiting, what a way to start an album out! For me, the first song on a hardcore or punk rock album needs to PUMP YOU UP, let you know that this is gonna be an awesome album, and, well, be just like this song:



What kind of a review can I do here? Strife play raging, metallic hardcore, with some thrash influences, and awesome breakdowns. We could do a song by song analysis of what they bring to the table as a band, but all you'd read is "awesome, fucking awesome, PUMPS ME THE FUCK UP, lol the singer is bald, and that breakdown in Blistered was awesome".

Don't like angry yelling music? That's fine, but I guarantee that you'll at least bob your head during the breakdown @ 1:34. If not, you're obviously an enemy of awesome, and I will FUCKING KILL YOU EVENTUALLY.




A lot of times, performance based music videos are kinda lame, but this one is NONSTOP PUMP. It's like, whenever I put this album on, I picture the band in this music video, screaming each song at me. I picture an angry bald dude yelling at me.

One thing that always makes me lol is the cover art.

Can you pick up on the theme here? Things that are destroying, or are wrong with society. Normally I would fill fulla holes any pussy that thinks guns, drugs, booze, and money are a bad thing, but when you write an album AS FUCKING AWESOME AS In This Defiance, you get a free pass.

Anyway, look at the lower left picture of the gun.

I think those are .22 shells. OK, I get that you guys are straightedge, cool, but shit, a .22? That's like a step up from a bb gun. What the fuck is a .22 gonna do? Christ, when my brother and I were young, most kids were playing lazer tag; we were playing .22 tag. Why?

CAUSE WE WEREN'T PUSSIES. My dad always told me: you're not a man till you shoot your brother in the face with a 12 gauge.

Another awesome tune from that album. So much energy, so much anger, so much PUMP. Can you imagine how PUMPED these guys were when they were recording this album?

Great, fast song to lead into the album closer.




The only negative aspect of the album, besides the lol artwork: the noise tracks. There are 12 total tracks, including both an intro and outro of just noise. That sucks. Even worse, 2 of the actual songs have extended outros, with more noise. Totally ruins the PUMP.

Despite the few shitty drawbacks, I wouldn't hesitate to give this album a 10/10. Few things get my PUMP ON like these songs. OK, that's not entirely true, check out tomorrow to keep the PUMP ON HIGH.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW WEEK!!! DAY 2!




















Silent Drive - Love is Worth it.

Another fantastic album featuring just about every musical genre, ever. Nevermind the girly-man cover artwork. Though if I had to look at a picture of a flower, that's a pretty bad ass picture of a flower to be looking at. OMG I'm going to get that image tattooed on my face.

Here, check out the first song, "4/16". Great tune that manages to include just about every aspect of their sound, though there is a bit more yelling here. Wah wah, somebody died on April 16th, but still, AWESOME SONG.






One of the reasons I love this album is because of the vocals. Obviously the singer isn't Clay Aiken, but he really makes his limited skills work, and I think his vocals carry the band.

Members of Silent Drive have done time in numerous punk/hardcore/metal/indie/whatever bands, and those experiences shine through not in just the musicianship, but in the intensity in their sound.

Here's another awesome song, "Banana Rejection". This one really showcases his voice a bit more. Not sure if the reason I really dig this song is cause it's awesome, or because the title makes me think of my sweet collection of BANANA HAMMOCKS. every color.

YOU DECIDE.





It's funny, every once in a while I detect nu-metal influences in a few songs. Nothing too dad-hating, just enough to make me notice. Which reminds me, if you're a fan at all of any modern rock, there is no way you won't be able to enjoy this album. Silent Drive simply take all that is good about heavier rock, and well, just do it right. While the singer's powerful voice will probably be the first thing you'll notice, pay attention to how seamlessly the rest of the band jump from genre to genre.


I don't listen to this band for their lyrics, though they are better written than most; nah, I listen to this band because they're so goddamn awesome and catchy. But this little lyrical nugget always jumps out at me: "Tell your new lover that your ex-lover said hi". Listen below.






Bottom line, this is rock with roots in hardcore and metal. And while this certainly isn't hardcore or metal, those roots do shine through on occasion, it only adds to the intensity. With piano, great vocals, clean, jangly guitars, and a hardcore/metal/punk/indie pedigree, this is what every other rock band on the radio wishes they could sound like.


*besides Maroon 5, this will probably be the most "accessible" band to be reviewed during AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW WEEK!!!.

Monday, October 11, 2010

AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW WEEK!!! KICK OFF!




















Maroon 5 - Hands All Over

Well, I think you knew this was coming.

By far the best album I've heard all year, all last year, all next year, and until the next Maroon 5 album comes out.

Aside from singer Adam Levine's fantastic, easily identifiable voice, you would be hard pressed to guess that this is the same band that wrote Songs About Jane. 8 years later, the band has evolved into...well, a pop-rock machine. When I say pop, I mean POP. I mean heavily influenced from 60's through 80's pop music, rather than heavy use of synthesizers and autotune.

The star of the album is easily Adam Levine's voice and the melodies he effortlessly sings. Unfortunately, those melodies contain some of the most predictable lyrics I've ever heard. Sticking primarily to girls, the lyrics are either horned up, or pining away over some broad. You're around 30 years old, dude; I think your imagination is capable of a little bit more lyrical variety.

Everything they did on 2007's It Won't Be Soon Before Long has been amplified into that album - times two. Though there are fewer ballads here, the few they did include are fantastic. The requisite, "heavier" power chord driven tune is present, and is awesome.

"Give a Little More", the second track, channels Michael Jackson in his mid 80's heyday. Third track, "Stutter" could have been the theme song to Full House. "I Can't Lie" has a subtle Mo-town vibe to it. Of course the album does have a low point, and that's closer "Out of Goodbyes", featuring Lady Antebellum. While not a bad song, the country vibe doesn't fit with the bouncy, poppy vibe the rest of the album has. That, and I didn't buy a fucking Lady Antebellum album, I bought a fucking Maroon 5 album. Get the fuck out of here.

Also worth mentioning is the packaging: shitty cardboard shit. I know Maroon 5 is involved in the environment and shit, but a stupid cardboard sleeve stores the actual CD. I'd rather just have a regular plastic case. Whatever, after all their preachy going green bullshit on facebook and twitter, I am reconciled by all the littering and energy wasting I've been doing. Besides, when you make an album this awesome, I don't give a shit how much of a crybaby you are.

Good news is that the album includes 5 more bonus tracks, and like It Won't Be Soon Before Long, there's not a stinker in the bunch. In fact, IWBSBL's bonus tracks were my favorite songs on the album, and actually stronger than this effort's bonus tunes.

Without a doubt, the album's highlight for me is "How". You want to talk about perfection, unless you're getting a blow job from some chick with three mouths, and she's feeding you de-boned buffalo wings with her boobs, this is as good as it gets.

Let your ears decide:




Actual review that almost got posted instead: "This album is awesome, fuck you".

More awesome albums coming up - albums many of you might actually think are awesome.

Friday, October 8, 2010

you keep a loaded gun in the house!

ZOMG!

You ever see that show, Shit My Dad Says? William SHATner's new show? Dude shoulda stuck with Boston Legal and James Spader, but whatevs.

Anyway, there was a scene where Shatner pulls out a shotgun (in the house omg lol), it goes off, and while Shatner is chilled out, the son is freaking out.

Right after the shot rings out, the son exclaims, "You keep a loaded gun in the house!?!?"

And in case you forgot, guns don't kill people; people with mustaches kill people. And MUSTACHE MAY is just 7 short months away! Lookout! But seriously, ruh roh, the gun was loaded! No shit you stupid fucks, what do you think chambers, magazines and clips are for?

Hint: storing shitloads of bullets.

Obviously the TV show is bullshit, and they did that little scene for comedic effect, but there is a much more serious truth that they glazed over: if you're playing around with a loaded gun, and it goes off, that's on you, friendo. Ain't no ghosts pulling the trigger, and it certainly ain't pulling itself.

There was no yelling, "You pulled the trigger, you asshole!". No blaming old crazy Shatner for recklessly waving around a tool that was meant to PUT HOLES IN PEOPLE. Instead, the poor, little, inanimate gun is to blame.

True story, guns weren't invented with thoughts of kittens purring; no, guns were invented with thoughts of KILLING MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK YEAH.

But Heck Yeah Man, INC., if the bullet wasn't in the chamber, rendering the gun useless, it wouldn't have gone off!

OK, fair enough, but what about this:

If you hadn't left the car in the garage, I wouldn't have repeatedly run your brother over!

If you hadn't left the baseball bat lying around, I wouldn't have brutally bashed your aunt's skull in!

If you hadn't left the bottle of bleach unlocked in the cleaning supplies closet, I wouldn't have forced it down little Johnny's throat!

If you hadn't left those two bottles of motor oil sitting on the shelf in the garage, I wouldn't have poured it all over the Earth!

Kind of related: Man, I remember when I used to deer hunt. We'd get to our tree stand at like 5:30 in the morning. Ok that was usually my dad lol; my brother and I would usually wind up crawling into our stands just barely before dark.

So once we're up in our stands, I get my walkman set up (F You, this was before mp3 players), and start cranking some tunes, trying not to fall back asleep/out of the tree. No shit, without fail, every year, at least 5 minutes before any sunlight appeared, you'd hear gunshots off in the distance.

And again, without fail, a minute or two later, you'd hear the ambulance sirens. One time, it was close enough where I actually heard screams.

I never shot a deer, but those precious 5 minutes before the start of opening day, every year, totally made up for any near falls out of the tree stand.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: PIGEON INVASION

Not sure what qualifies this as a proper HUMP DAY PUMP UP, but it's happening, and there's not much you can do to stop it. The PUMP is a-comin', and you can't fight it.

So check this out; we were on our honeymoon (PUMP!) in Puerto Rico (PUMP AGAIN!), and it was awesome (MEGA PUMP!). After landing in San Juan (I HATE FLYING AND IT FELT GOOD TO FLY FIRST CLASS AND GET LOADED ON FREE WHISKEY PUMP!), we took a cab to Old San Juan (CHEAP CAB RIDE BONER PUMP!), basically the historic, downtown area of the city. Very cool.

The hotel was amazing - world class food, open-aire hallways, and beautiful accommodations. It was one of the coolest hotels I've ever stayed in. HECK YEAH.

So what do we do on our first full day? We walk 3 blocks to Pigeon Park and get assaulted by a shitload of pigeons.

Kind of intimidating at first, but when you'd walk into the park, they'd all run away. But then you buy a bag of food, and you get SWARMED. INSANE.

It was so cool that we went back on our last day lol. That's why I'm wearing 2 different shirts.

Spooked me a bit when 3 pigeons landed on my hand, pecking at my palm for treats.





















There's a pigeon on my head. And my shoulder. DON'T CRAP ON MY HEAD THE LAST THING I NEED IS BIRD POOP DRIPPING DOWN MY FOREHEAD ON MY HONEYMOON. Lol, he looks so regal, just hangin' out on my head.





















There are pigeons EVERYWHERE. When they land on your back, it feels kind of like a shitty, scratchy back rub. But I don't care; I LOVE BACK RUBS. And I love pigeons! But more importantly, I love being PUMPED UP.

















The locals in the background, I can just imagine what they're thinking: "stupid gringos". Stupid cracker in the yellow shirt, I can just imagine what he's thinking: "here bird, eat this stuff out of my hand heh heh".
















Like, after the first time we went to Pigeon Park, I was pretty PUMPED. But after we went the second time, I WAS SO PUMPED THAT THE FIRST BAR I FOUND WHERE I COULD WASH MY HANDS, WOUND UP BEING THE BAR WHERE THE PINA COLADA WAS INVENTED.

I WAS SO PUMPED THAT I ORDERED HECKYEAHWOMAN A HUGE PINA COLADA AND THEN I WENT TO WASH MY HANDS. LIKE 3 TIMES.

There were many other PUMP-WORTHY highlights from the honeymoon, but for now, this is gonna have to PUMP YOU UP TO FINISH THE REST OF THE WEEK.

hym tries their hand at album reviewing, coming soon!

Monday, October 4, 2010

i hate this chick

Logged onto facebook the other day, and saw that one of my favorite restaurants from back in Gainesville had the Jameson whiskey reps there, and they were giving out free drinks.

Pretty sweet, right? Totz wish I could have been there.

Here, check it out. Click on the picture; take it all in.

Notice anything awry?














What is that SLORE talking about holy shit.

Gotta wonder what would possess somebody to not only type out that entire comment, but to post it. What the ferk is going through your brain, Melissa-Marie?

Nobody gives a shit about your all-time favorite whiskey. Nobody gives a shit about you going to Ireland. Nobody gives a shit about you being 19 when you first tasted it. And most importantly,

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU

I think this song pretty much sums up the world's collective sentiment.



It's obvious that when my boi Scotty McVogel screams, "NO ONE HERE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU" (@ 0:41), he had just seen this very same facebook comment, went back in time to 2003, and added this song to the set list. Obviously.

Notice the dude below: he needs shingles to complete his jackalope lodge in Frontierville. Don't even get me started on that.


CHECK OUT BELOW - AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW WEEK!!! COMING SOON

Sunday, October 3, 2010

AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW WEEK!!! COMING SOON!

"That's fuckin' right goddamnit", as my main man Warren Fitzgerald said during the Vandals near-flawless live album, Sweatin' to the Oldies (at about 6:12, then again at 6:17, though the entire clip - and movie - is definitely worth a watch).



Well, what is "fuckin' right, goddamnit"?

THIS IS: WE'RE KICKING OFF OUR FIRST ANNUAL "AWESOME ALBUM REVIEW WEEK!!!" SOMETIME IN THE NEXT WEEK OR SO!

Be on the lookout for a week chock full of 3-5 AWESOME album reviews.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll listen to awesome music, but mostly you'll just see a Maroon 5 album review and navigate your browser away.

And remember, just like ART WEEK!!!, if there aren't three (3) exclamations points, it ain't the real deal.