Wednesday, September 29, 2010



We don't have a name for him yet, but I've been calling him ORANGE GUY.



I just wrote you a song, ORANGE GUY, it's called "OMG UR CUTE in D minor". ROCK ON.

That little turd really slept like that. No kidding.

Hey look at this HUGE CRAB I ALMOST STEPPED ON WOW. That thing's body was easily the size of my fist, definitely bigger. More like the size of one of my BRASS BALLS. Coming home from dinner at like 10 pm, it was pitch dark out, and I saw some movement on the stairs. That was the movement. Outta my way, buddy!


Monday, September 27, 2010

naked dudes wrestling

What a weekend.

Friday night I thought it would be nice to take Heckyeahwoman to a play, for her birthday. She agreed, so out we get some culture. The play was called Women in Love, and got generally pretty good reviews. Though it was referred to as "intimate" and "erotic", homosexuality was one of the themes, and there was a notorious naked dude wrestling scene, we were undeterred.

Keep in mind, I have no shame about most things, so you can be sure I don't give a shit about seeing weiners floppin' around. Would rather see big fake titties bouncing (in my face), but whatevs. So we're anticipatin' this scene coming up, and finally after intermission, it comes. The dudes are undressing, and I'm thinking it's gonna be a brief bout of wrestling, with most of the view of the penises obscured by thighs, arms, and the general chaos of a couple dudes wrestling for a second or two.

I was wrong.

The undressing was very deliberate, as each man just stood there and talked. Full frontal style. Finally the wrestling starts, and it was pretty meh. About four drawn out minutes later, it was done, and they were dressing again.

However, the wrestling didn't end without the audience being served a healthy amount of penis, scrotum, and gasp...male asshole. Yes, at one point, I looked up and dead center in the stage was one of the dudes bent over, being carnally held by the other, asshole in the air - allowing a view into the depths of his bowels. Literally.

Did the naked dudes add anything to the play? Do naked dudes ever add anything to anything? No to both.

The real bummer was that the chicks in the play were pretty hot, why couldn't they mud wrestle a little bit or something? I don't really need mud wrestling, but an areola slip woulda been nice.

Overall the play was enjoyable, and I'm glad we went. I think HYW was too. Also of note, the theater was next door to a bar, and they let you bring your beer in.

Saturday, being that it was Heckyeahwoman's birthday, we started the partying at like 12:30. Damn. Rode our bikes to the bar to watch the game, and of course HYW didn't tell me how messed up my hair was, from the bike helmet, the entire time we were there lol.

I looked like an idiot.

There were a couple really loaded assholes there - harmless undergrads, but the kind of trust fund shitheads that need a good beatdown. Multiple lols go out to one dude's girlfriend. She was tore up, bad, at like 12:45, and wound up just getting up and leaving at like 1 lol. But on her way out, she tried to put on her hooded sweatshirt - totally backwards and upside down. Her hood was by her butt, not her head.

Extra bonus lols, when we got there, and she was wearing the sweatshirt correctly, we noticed that just the tip of the cone-like hood was wet. It looked like a snowcapped mountain top, the way just the tip was wet. Not sure how that happened lol.

After the game, we came home, had a couple more beers, chilled out, then headed back downtown for dinner. Met up with our friend, had some dranks, and wound up at a bar packed full of hipsters. It was crazy, we were playing photohunt furiously, and we got interrupted multiple times by two (2) different sets of WORTHLESS FUCKING HIPSTERS, wanting to get on the game.

It was funny, we were out with our good friend, ****, probably one of the most chilled out people I've ever met, and he was getting visibly irate with these goddamn hipsters too. Seriously, we were about one pair of skinny jeans away from cuttin' some motherfuckers. Good times.

Woke up Sunday morning at like 11, hung over. I'm getting too old for this.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, had my first White Castle experience on Sunday. It was pretty tasty.

Friday, September 24, 2010

funny scene from a movie: wall street

SONOFAJACKYL, I couldn't find the scene on youtube. Or Google.

Anyway, have you ever seen the movie Wall Street, starring Michael Douglas, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, that dude from Scrubs, and Daryl Hannah?

Cause the scene I'm thinking of is from THAT MOVIE.

Brief synopsis: Charlie Sheen wants to make it big on Wall Street; Michael Douglas has already made it big, and takes Charlie under his wing. Charlie makes it big, much to the chagrin of his blue collar (real life) father, Martin Sheen. Charlie and Michael find a way to save the company Martin works for, and pitch it to the head honchos, Martin included. Of course Martin doesn't like Michael, but Charlie, with honest intentions, tries to convince his father to go for it. The two get into a big fight, and as Martin storms out of Charlie's apartment, Charlie says something to the effect of "my men will make sure it works out".

Martin replies with, "YOUR FUCKING MEN"! I mean, he YELLS it.

And I heard: "YOU'RE FUCKING MEN"!

Having just exited the apartment, they're on the busy streets of NEW YORK CITY OMG, and a dad is yelling at his son something about fucking men.

Imagine what passersby must have thought. A family is out for a walk in a nice part of the city, and all of a sudden MARTIN SHEEN storms out of some fancy apartment screaming at CHARLIE SHEEN about fucking men.

This makes me kind of nostalgic for when my dad yelled at me. Luckily he never yelled anything like that at me, usually it was just for fighting with my brother.

But imagine if he substituted any random family member in there: UNCLE NED, AUNT BETTY, YOUR MOTHER, THE DOG.

Man, that'd be crazy.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


FUCK YEAH, START THIS HUMP DAY OFF WITH THE GOODS. That song always PUMPS ME UP. But yo, who the fuck are those shitdicks in the band? I haven't seen Throdown live for over 5 years, and those twinks def weren't in the band back in the day.

But check this out, I've been sick for like 3 weeks straight. No kidding. Early September, I got this wicked sore throat. Never had my throat sore like that. Also, brutal coughing fits. Just as I'm getting better, HYW got sick too. Then I caught what she had a couple days later.

Only I didn't get it nearly as bad as she had it.

Why? Cause I keep my PUMP on HIGH. Goddamn right, but how do I manage that?

Number 1, this blog. Number 2, working out when sick. See, I don't give a shit about spreading my germs at the gym; I only give a shit about sweating that sickness out. I swear, I don't get sick that often, and when I do, it usually comes and goes pretty quickly. Well, except for that 2 week sore throat lol. But THAT'S THE EXCEPTION, ASSHOLES.

Shoot, when I broke my neck 3 years ago, I was at the gym the next day. When I died of AIDS a year ago last month, I was at the gym the next day.

You want to live in a daily state of INCREASED PUMP, even in the face of OVERWHELMING ODDS, like when you're sick? Go work out.

But before you do that, let's finish this MASSIVE PUMP UP.

Not quite feelin' the PUMP yet? Don't worry, I gotchu, dawg. THIS PUMP GON' HIT YOU FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION - THE VIZUAL DIMENSHUN. Look how JACKED this BLOCKHEAD is!!! So PUMPED.

Somebody get this guy a Grammy, or an Emmy, or whatever the fuck.

Shit yeah, here's a jam for you, with the original singer. GET PUMPED, GET HIGH AS HELL, AND RAISE YOUR FIST IN THE AIR...DRUG FREE

Heck yeah, nothin' I love more than chillin' out with a shitload of pills while listening to Throwdown scream about stayin' edge, bro. IDGAF, song is bad ass, and it PUMPS me the hell up. Goddamn, the 90's were awesome.

Oh wait, what? The 90's? Yeah, the 90's. Harvest - Epicure: ALL U NEED.

I was listening to that song the other day, when I was sick as hell, driving to and from the gym, and I almost got in a car accident I WAS SO PUMPED. I pulled out in front of some schmuck, this caused the oncoming car to swerve out of the way, and onto the curb lol. DON'T FUCK WITH THE PUMP, ASSHOLE. LESSON LEARNED.


Monday, September 20, 2010

sketchy advertising

Being so close to Detroit, we catch various ripples of things splashing there. What I mean is, we get a lot of Detroit radio stations, but mostly we get a lot of marketing aimed at the Detroit market.

For instance, the other day I saw a commercial for some lawyer, featuring William Shatner.

Don't believe me?

Yep, it's true.

Anyway, there's no arguing that law firm commercials are some of the worst.

Like this one I saw the other day - it starts off with some asshole in a suit saying, "let me give you the best piece of advice I can".

Not gonna lie, I was totally nomming on a salami sandwhich, but that caught my attention.

"ADVICE?!? ABOUT WHAT?!?! I NEED ADVICE!", I yelled at the cat. She just purred and flopped around on the couch.

Not the answer I was looking for.

Through divine intervention, my attention was summoned forth back to the television. He started listing off a bunch of misdemeanor crimes, and punctuated it with his best advice ever: Don't call any other law firm for any of those services, call us".

That was it. This guy was probably 60 years old, has clearly had plenty of time to think of the best advice ever, and that's the best he can come up with?

"Don't call my competitors, call me"

I'm pretty sure the point of every advertisement ever is "buy what what we sell". "Don't go to a more established law firm with less-sketchy commercials, come to us."

That's his A-game, when it comes to advice. Imagine his A-game in the courtroom. Damn, I wish I could remember what law firm it was.

Friday, September 17, 2010

you might be a redneck if

The other day at the gym, lol how many blog posts are started off with that phrase. Anyway, on one of the 20 MONSTROUS TELEVISIONS was the show, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

Normally I wouldn't give a shit, and I'm not even sure why I did that day, but I plugged my headphones into the jack, and started listening. And watching. And burning calories.

I guess I wanted to see if I was smarter than a fifth grader.

Anyway, if you haven't seen the show, the contestant picks one of the five or so grade-schoolers as a partner, and together they compete on the show. The questions are usually pretty basic, but sometimes they throw a curveball.

So the contestant turned out to be a decorated armed services dude, not sure but he looked like a Marine. Pretty bad ass. He wound up picking a little black kid, in a sweater vest, as his partner.

First question: the Rosetta Stone helped linguists decipher heiroglyphics and which other language?

After hearing the question, both put their heads down, and begin furiously writing their answers.

Finally, both have an answer, and the host saunters over to the contestant, and asks him what his answer was.

With a bit of hesitation, he answers, "jive".

Not hearing, or maybe not comprehending, Jeff Foxworthy asks the contestant to repeat himself.

"Jive", he says again, louder, more confident.

"WHAT, YOU FUCKING RETARD!?!?!", was the look on Jeff Foxworthy's face, as he calmly replied, "I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer".

Lol at the "you might be a redneck if"-guy getting out-rednecked on his own show.

Jive though, really? I have no idea what would prompt that dude to blurt that out. Did he think he was being funny? Clever? Or maybe his one desire, his only wish was to be the butt of a "you might be a redneck if" joke.

Extra bonus ROFL: when the camera panned to a shot of the kid with a confused look on his face lol.

Obviously the correct answer was Phoenician, or Foneeshun.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Allay'all out there trudging' through that work week, keep ur heads up. Cause while you're out working for the man, I'm busy BEING THE MAN. That, and tomorrow the in-laws are coming into town!

You heard that right - the in-laws are coming, the in-laws are coming!

This will be the first post-marriage in-law visit from either side. Turns out, HYW's father has some business to do here in beautiful Ann Arbor, so he loaded up the wagons, and is brangin' HYW's mother along for the ride. Rumor has it there may be another passenger along for the ride, but there'll be more on that (and pictures) in the future.

If you remember the last post about my interaction with the in-laws, you might think there'd be some bad blood. But no worries.

Here's a probable schedule:

Thursday afternoon sometime: in-laws arrive, partying starts, eventually we eat dinner.
Friday morning: I sleep in; HYW goes to work.
Friday afternoon: I work out, look for jobs, remain awesome; HYW works.
Friday evening - Monday sometime: partying / eating with the in-laws.

Most people bitch about their in-laws, but I don't. Mine are awesome. We all get along really well, and have a great time. And we party furiously.

Still hopin' HYW's in-laws can make it out sometime.


Well read this totally unrelated UBER-PUMP ACTION: Check this out. I had a job interview (PUMP!) the other morning, and I was running a little bit late (UNPUMP!). Running barefoot around our house (in my underwear pump!), I'm trying to gather my pants, a tie, a shirt, some socks, and my shoes - cause they're all in different rooms. Yes, we have 5 rooms (PUMP!).

As I run through the hallway, I detect an errant piece of kitty litter (the litterbox is nestled away in the corner of the hallway) stuck into my heel. Whatever, I shake my foot a little, and continue on walking - still there. I rub my heel on top of my other foot, hoping to get it loose - no luck, still there.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!" I SCREAM AT THE CAT, as the first bead of sweat forms on my forehead. Shit, it's gonna take a while to cool down. Anyway, I sat down, looked at my heel, and saw that instead of a piece of kitty litter, there was a thin, half inch of glass shard poking out of my heel! Oh noes!

With a never before seen display of flexibility - I can't even touch my toes - I pulled the shard out of my heel, WITH MY TEETH. Turns out, it was about an inch long lol. Where the hell you come from, little glass shard?

Who cares, I threw it at the cat and got my ass to that job interview.

Monday, September 13, 2010

job search gold

Yes, it's true: I'm an unemployed loser failure fuck up. I guess that winning streak that I've been on for the last 7 years has finally come to an end.

That doesn't mean I'm not out looking for jobs though.

I started looking for random, fun jobs, but didn't have any luck. Seems I'm not qualified to do much of anything. So I decided to starting looking at sales jobs, breaking my promise to myself to never have to do a sales job again. Not much luck there either. Now I have sunk to applying for administrative assistant positions lol. Truly the depths of depravity.

I've gotten responses for interviews, but the truth is, some jobs, I'm just too embarrassed to use my former boss as a reference. Not cause she'll give me an bad review, but because it would be embarrassing to have some HR shithead ask her how I'd preform as a receptionist lol.

As shitty as things are, there are still some nuggets out there. Check out this craigslist job posting:

Re: 3/Hr a week maid service on sunday morning/early afternoon (Ann Arbor)

$20 plus any pop bottle/beer deposit money someone would get from your empty cans for 3 hours of work. Granted this money is not taxed, this is below minimum wage and quite low for the work you want someone to do. If someone puts in a good amount of effort and works their tail off, I think, this should warrant a little bit more than a paltry twenty bucks. I would be embarrassed to offer so little and I would go ahead and just clean my own apartment with my roomates. Everyone is hurting in this economy, undergrads too.

I don't know, but I'm pretty sure this is for real. It would be so easy to pick this apart, sentence by painful sentence - but you can all read.

Some little spoiled turd posted that. Now that I think about it, I should have responded: "you know what the real world is like, kid? It's like this" - *PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH, 2 SHOTS TO DA DOME*

That's what the real world is like.

RIP, little shit.

Truth is, if I'd run into this joker in the bar, he'd probably be the first one in line to fill me full of pitchers of Natty Light. But that's just because I'd have been talking shit to him all night, and he wouldn't be quite sure if I was serious or not. That would probably explain the nonstop high fives and bro-hugs too.

He's probably a good kid, and hopefully just doesn't know any better. That's where I come in - he obviously needs a wake up call. Maybe we should start a series of "HYM wake up calls".

Friday, September 10, 2010

burnin' books, burnin' people

Time for the fine folks at HYM to weigh in on that Quran burning business. In a nutshell: a bunch of shitheads had a meltdown because some hillbillies were going to burn some Qurans.

I have a feeling that if the Qurans were switched with bibles, those same shitheads would stay silent. Not that I care, but what do you think? Instead of buying books to burn, how about just donating $20 to an animal shelter or something?


The media covered the crap out of the topic, turning it into such a huge deal. It's crazy, how often does the President talk about some tiny little church in the town where you (used to) live?

If Islam, radical or not, should take anything away from the media coverage, it's that there is worldwide outrage over the proposed event. They should see solidarity and support from all over the world.

Instead, the media reminds us how pissed off radical Islam is gonna get, and how they're gonna take it out on the troops. Or worse, innocent Americans. Or better, innocent Europeans. Maybe I'm crazy, but I would venture a guess that they're more pissed off about the bombs, the wars, the fires, the thousands dead, and the constant hostile US military presence in the Middle East than they are about some scorched Qurans. WHAT ABOUT SCORCHED FACES

If I'm not mistaken, radical Islam only exists because the US has been bombing the shit out of the region for years. Oh and helping Israel do whatever it wants over there for the past 60 years probably isn't helping to quell their terrorist urges much either. They don't hate freedom, they don't hate America, they hate people who are always fucking with them. Do you see Canada, Japan, or Antarctica suffering 9-11s?

I just read that the pastor canceled the burning, but local Gainesville authorities are still going to continue to monitor the situation to ensure the safety of the public. The safety of the public in Gainesville, or the public in Afghanistan?

To all the pussies crying about the book burning - where's your outrage over the continuing, unjustified war? Is it because your President now has ownership of it, and you wouldn't dare question Him? Cause I know you cried like crazy when Bush started it.


What a bummer of a way to head into the weekend. Worry not, pussybeatz, I got your back:

Wednesday, September 8, 2010







Do you remember a recent HUMP DAY PUMP UP about a potential MELTDOWN? Where the coax input broke clean off the back of the TV? Remember that?

Well that sucked.

But we got it fixed! That's right, I googled the crap out of the problem, and found a device that will supposedly lettuce use our TV again! So I ordered this $55 contraption, and waited patiently for it to come.

3 days later, it arrived! Unfortunately after hooking it up, following the directions, swearing, and fucking around with it for an hour, IT STILL DIDN'T DO WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.

So I packed it up, and sent it back. What the hell is an RF Demodulator anyway?

Lucky for us, my friend Google had another solution: buy an old VCR, hook it up, and enjoy television.

Even better, my other friend, Craig Slist, had a sweet VCR on sale for $15! After a couple email exchanges, I found myself on my way over to some dude's house to take his VCR off his hands. It was kinda weird; I'd never used craigslist before, but the dude was totally normal, and wasn't sketchy at all.

I wonder what he would have thought if he'd seen the .357 magnum I was packing lol.

*extra bonus lol: before I left to pick up the VCR, I let Heckyeahwoman know that I was taking off, and as I was walking out the door, I said, "oh shit, I forgot my gun".

Lol, I'm sure the neighbors 5 blocks down could hear her, "HONEY NO!".

Anyway, I'm driving back home, sweet VCR chillin' in the back seat, and the anticipation is killing me. Finally I get home, barely have time to grab a beer before I'm hooking this thing up.

Sure as shit, like 10 minutes later, everything was working perfectly! SO PUMPED. DON'T HAVE TO DROP A GRAND ON A HUGE NEW TV!

But how does "hooking up" a VCR automatically make the channels magically appear on the talking picture box? Easy! I hooked the cable from the wall into the VCR, and plugged the VCR into the TV with composite cables. HECK YEAH!

THE TV WORKS SO NOW WE CAN WATCH "BACHELOR PAD" EVERY MONDAY FROM 8-10 PM EST! This show is awesome. Watch as dumb bitch Tenley cries about something stupid lol.

TO GET THINGS EVEN PUMPIER, AFTER 2 HOURS OF BACHELOR PAD, DATING IN THE DARK COMES ON...FOR A FULL HOUR! Watch below as some idiot tries to romance some Eastern Bloc Broad.

I've never watched this much TV in my life! Well, except for the Lost season finale - weekly, hour long show, with a 5 hour long marathon finale lol.

Can't wait for BACHELOR PAD!

Friday, September 3, 2010

you lazy bastards

Just a couple quick observations from this past weekend.

Hit the local farmers market, got a bunch of tasty produce. Sweet. But walking back to the car, I spotted something kind of...for lack of a better word, fucked up.

Some dude was walking his dog, but instead of a regular dog collar, he had the leash attached to a harness. Check out this insanity: the harness had a little "pack" attached to it.

See the pic below:

That's about the size of the pack. But the dude had it stuffed full of what looked like paperwork.


Dude, are you going on a brutal hike through the frigid tundra of the UP, or are you walking to the farmers market in mid-August?

Whatever you're doing (the latter), know that I hate you.

I know the weight wasn't holding the dog down or anything, but it's more the principle. Couldn't you have brought along a fannypack, and stuffed your crap in there?

Oh you don't want to wear a fannypack?

Now you're going to tell me that you have some shame, as you walk downtown wearing a neon green sleeveless shirt, short shorts, and those monstrous glasses?

Really, middle-aged dickhead weirdo, really?

HYW and I had a good ROFL at that dude.

Then on Sunday, at the pool, I saw a father and son walk by, as we were sunning ourselves lol. Though this wasn't just any father-son bonding experience, this was a peculiar father-son lesson in forced hard labor.

See, this kid, probably about 6, no more than 3 feet tall was carrying a cooler. Check the pic below - they're both about the same size. Now imagine that little girl trying to carry that cooler when it's packed with ice. And daddy's special angry sauce.

I couldn't believe my eyes - the dad just smirked as his little son struggled with the MASSIVE COOLER. Something needed to be done; I had to step in and do the right thing: "Heckyeahwoman, go give that kid a hand with that cooler".

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


The other day, one of my friends in an AWESOME BAND sent me an advance copy of the their new album. It smokes too.

You read that right, pussybeats? My FRIEND in a BAND, gave me an ADVANCE copy of the album. That's like a $3.99 value on itunes. C'mon, it's only 6 songs.

What now, pbeatz.

Hey man, don't hate me for having friends in high places.

Sorry that I know people.

No biggie.

Can't help being awesome.

Don't listen to this song - just read the title, and get PUMPED. OK sorry, listen to the song too.


Check out the new song live, and get PUMPED:

And check this out, the best part was when I searched youtube, one of the "suggestions", along the right side of the page, was a MAROON 5 VIDEO. HECK YEAH. SO PUMPED.

And then I clicked on the suggested video below, and got MAD PUMPED UP:

MAD PUMPED all day cause I had some really tasty treats at Dairy Queen on Sunday.

Yeah, we went to Dairy Queen on Sunday. AFTER WE RODE OUR BIKES TO THE POOL AND TOOK A DIP IN THE COLDEST WATER EVER I THINK I HAVE HYPOTHERMIA. It's whatever though, they had a sweet water slide, and we totally owned that thing holler @ ur boi