Friday, January 29, 2010

i'm so sorry for this

Let's go back in time, back to a couple days ago. Yeah, that's right. I had a couple different posts all typed up for today. But then something happened.

Something changed.

I came across these youtube videos of this retarded ginger kid losing his mind. I don't know why he's so angry, but the fact is, he's angry.

This post will consist of only a little bit of my famous witty banter, with the bulk of the lols being brought to you buy a chubby, red-headed virgin.

If you feel like you got ripped off, I am truly sorry. I just thought, I don't know, after watching these videos, that they would be the perfect post for a Friday. For this Friday.

Anyway, these videos need to be seen, and what better day than today? Exactly. It's Friday, man; so go ahead, watch these videos, ditch your shitty turkey breast and spinach salad with just a bit of olive oil as dressing, hit the pizza buffet for lunch instead, have a soda even though you never drink soda, slack off all afternoon and fall behind on your work, leave at 4:59 and skip the gym, head to happy hour, get loaded, drive home, get in a drunken car accident and kill a family of four you asshole, get thrown in jail & booked for DWI, have your parents post your bail, let your life fall apart. Relish it.

So...uh, here are those uh, videos I was talking about.

You're a fuh-YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD I HATE YOU.



Holy shit lol, I had this all typed up and ready to post, but as I previewed the final draft of this post, I decided to watch the video (above) again. I only made it till like 29 seconds in, when the school bus drives by in the background hahahaha. What a psycho: this dude's all in a rage outside, in his neighborhood, presumably right outside his house in what looks like the fall. Wow.

ATTENTION HATERS!!!



Have a great weekend!

Love,

the heck yeah, man team.

This is def worth watching.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

old people lol

My brother and his girlfriend bought us a subscription to Consumer Reports, the magazine, for the holidays. Yeah, I know right, Consumer Reports, I'm always buying sweet shit, this should be dope as hell.

And it is.

I got the first issue, took it straight to the turlet, and ripped off a massive steamer while I read it. Very cool.

Anyway, I came across something peculiar. You know how most magazines have a section, usually in the beginning, consisting of letters from readers. You like how I left out the question mark there? It was actually a statement in the form of a question. I like it, and I'm going to try to do that more often.

From reading that particular letter, I deciphered that they did a special rating of a bunch of plasma and LCD TVs in their December 2009 issue. I must have missed it. I really did. Probably would have been sweet; cause I'm always shopping for a massive TV. I'm not talking some lame 42 inch whatever TV.

I'm talking like 60+ inches of pure plasma (or LCD) manhood. Something that when people walk into your living room, they are BLOWN AWAY. Something to blow minds.

I digress - so upon perusing the letters, I come across one referring to the TV ratings piece they did. However, the reader is kind enough to bring to the editor's attention that they overlooked a very important feature: the remote control unit.

I concur. I hate when you buy a big fuckin' TV, bring it home, get it all set up, and then you CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE THE GODDAMN REMOTE (control unit)!

But the reader continues on about the importance of the remote (control unit), and that "its quality is a key part of user experience". Features like how well the buttons are laid out, the size of it, as well as the size of the buttons, and its ergonomic design, among other things. Of course this is all doubly important for older people like herself, she notes.

It would have been nice if Consumer Reports would have had the foresight to cover something so importa-wait, what?

And then there it was:

The editor's note/response.

And in the most sullen, somber, and matter-of-fact tone ever, the editor responded. Well, as sullen, somber, and matter-of-factly as you can convey in a typed sentence lol:

"In our Ratings (lol @ the capital R, you twinks), the remote control score takes into account a remote's shape, and the layout, labeling, and size of its buttons".

Pretty much everything the old lady missed. Old people lol.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: haha

Dude, right now it's Tuesday evening, and I don't have anything for the weekly HUMP DAY PUMP UP. But then it hit me! I didn't even comment on the best events that transpired over the weekend! That's right, I already had awesome posts scheduled for Monday and Tuesday.

Whatever, I think HUMP DAY PUMP UP is a better day for this, anyway!





















WOW! DIE BRENT FAVRE!

So yeah, I didn't really have any idea about what to post about for today, but just remembering the game on Sunday, that PUMPED ME UP.

AND I HOPE IT PUMPED YOU UP TOO.

IF NOT, THIS VIDEO IS SURE TO GET YOUR PUMP JUICES A-FLOWIN'!



Hell yeah, that slow motion action is what the doctor ordered.

And I don't know about this one, maybe you've seen it already - it's definitely a couple years old. But HOLY LOL @ the mother laughing so furiously. She's kind of hot too.



AND HOT CHICKS LAUGHING AT FAT KIDS PUMPS ME UP!

HOLY FUCK I LOVE SEEING FATASSES GET TORMENTED. What's up with the retard zombie-kid in the beginning of the video?



What did we learn today? We learned that being mean to fat kids is awesome.

We learned that its A-OK to pick on little fatties.

We learned that Brent Favre sucks dong.

And you know what else? This song is pretty bad ass too.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

smart people / is this what jaded is?

Here's the thing: I hang out with a lot of smart people. People that are going to be doctors. It takes real brains to be a doctor, man. Real brains, as opposed to fake brains. One time I saw a jello mold that was in the shape of a brain.

On the other hand, I've seen some pretty big fucking retards become doctors, so maybe that's not the best barometer of truly how smart somebody is. Dude, whatevs, I know smart people.

Do you know smart people?

If so, do you know what they do? Do you know the single most defining characteristic of a smart person?

Ok, I'll help you out: they use big words.

They use words that normal peonz, like ur boi, don't regularly use. Words like "superabundant", "unencumbered", and "ebullient". One time I even overheard some dude talking about using a plethysmograph. I don't know what that means, but I think it might be some kind of crazy hi-tech device from the future.

That may or may not measure dudes' dongs

Also, smart people effortlessly throw around words like "jaded". Totally heard a smart person call somebody else jaded. Not sure what they were talking about, but it sounded academic and prestigious...and straight out of a piece of fine literature. Truthfully, I don't even totally know what that word means. I mean, I know, I have an idea, but if you asked me to define it, I'd tell you to get fucked. *(author's note: I'd tell you to get fucked anyway)

So I'm going to pose a question: is this what jaded is? Read the following passage, and tell me if that's what jaded is.

I have a hot fiance, so this post is really no longer relevant, but I think it's something that needs to be brought to light.

Regarding hot chicks: if I were single, I don't even think I'd see them as human any more. It would be more like seeing them as dollar signs.

Dollar signs, as in...how much is this gonna cost me?

How much am I gonna have to pay to blast this chick? How much would it cost for this trick to put out a little?

It's pathetic really; I couldn't imagine being single. I couldn't imagine having to put effort into trying to get laid. I'd honestly rather just tell some skank how much money I make, and wait for the corresponding price.

Let's be real here. Lol, as opposed to being fake, or not existing at all, or being made entirely of plastic or something silly. But seriously, I'm here at the bar by myself, flashing some money, buying bitches drinks. What the fuck do you think I'm doing?

You're here with a group of friends. Allay'all are wearing heels & short skirts, showing mad cleave, and generally looking like you need to get pounded.

Let's cut to the chase - you got the goods, I got the green.

How horrible and jaded is that?

Monday, January 25, 2010

think about this

Hey I hope everybody had a great weekend. I did.

Went for bike rides both days, as the weather was beautiful. It was great. Saturday, for some reason, I could just not get going. My legs were burning without even hardly moving at all. Somehow, I managed to make great time. Well, great time for my first time out in a couple months.

It was crazy, just biking along, I came upon some white shit in the grass up ahead.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT WHITE SHIT ON MY TRAIL?

Finally approaching it, I make out 2 little styrofoam bowls, and a piece of paper tacked to a tree.

WHO THE FUCK WOULD LITTER ON MY GODDAMN TRAIL?

After I was done jumping to conclusions, I got close enough to read the note on the paper, and what do I spy out of the corner of my all-seeing eye? I see two (2) fucking cats. Kitty cats!

There was only one (1) thing for me to do - I had to pet them. They had to be petted. The first one was curious, but a little skittish, and didn't want to be petted on.

So I told it to FUCK OFF and moved on to the other one. He or she really wanted to get scratched - it was rubbing its head all over my hands and purring like crazy. In fact, it was purring so loud, I had to tell it to shut the fuck up a little, as it was purring so loud I couldn't even think about how awesome I am.

Oh yeah, the piece of paper on the tree was actually a note informing all who would read, that the kitties had actually been abandoned, and the bowls were there to for people to leave food. Nice gesture. Of course I got home and told heckyeahwoman about this, so she told me I was going tomorrow, and bringing cat food with me.

Sunday, I went with my friend, *****, we tore that shit up, bruh. Imagine, two (2) lighting bolts blasting through the trail, and also your girlfriend. That's how we roll, mf'ers.

Sure enough, on the way out, I had my little bike pouch-sack thing stuffed with a bag of cat food. Usually I put my keys and cellphone in there, but not today, friendos.

I remembered about where the cats were, so once we got close, I kept my eyeballs peeled. Lol, imagine having your eyeballs literally peeled. Anyway, we were approaching the area, and without telling my friend, I just pulled over to the side to drop off the food. Lol, what a dick. My friend kept rolling by haha.

No biggie, I just filled those bowls up so furiously and told those goddamn cats to eat it. And actually, somebody had already put some food in there for them. I felt kind of bad, maybe I should be donating that cat food to the assholes in Haiti.

Whatever, a couple nice days, and a couple nice bike rides.

One more thing, I don't remember where I got this from, but I got it, and that's the important part.

"Without God, our week would be: Sinday, Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday, Shatterday, Seven days without God - Makes one Weak!"

Let's take a look at each one and see if it passes or fails.

Sinday - Lol. It's the sabbath, how can you sin on the sabbath!?!?! Sinning is so last year, pussies. FAIL

Mournday - Actually, with or without god, this is an appropriate name. Of course, we're mourning the end of the weekend, in addition to the beginning of the work week. PASS

Tearsday - Another great name. I shed tears on Tuesday for two (2) reasons - 1) because I have 4 more grueling days of work left; and 2) I'm so happy that the first day of the work week is done. PASS

Wasteday - I'm torn here. Yeah it's a waste because I've already spent half of my week at work. And that sucks. But on the other hand, it's also HUMP DAY (PUMP UP), and that PUMPS ME UP. Only a fool would waste a HUMP DAY. This one resides in PURGATORY

Thirstday - Dude, it's Thursday, I'm thirsty; and I'm gonna get TORE UP. PASS FUCK YEAH

Fightday - Whatever weirdos that wrote this are on a roll. Fuck yeah, I'll be FIGHTING that brutal hangover from Thirstday, and then I'm gonna get home, get loaded, eat dinner, and FIGHT the urge to not GO TO THE BAR AND GET SO DRUNaww, who am I kidding, I'm going to have a nice night in, with heckyeahwoman. PASS

Shatterday - You know exactly where I'm going with this. I'M GOING TO GET TORE UP ALL DAY, EAT SHITTY FRIED FOOD LIKE CRAZY, AND UNLEASH THE MOST HAZARDOUS TURD EVER THAT'S GOING TO JUST SHATTER SOMEONE'S TERLET. PASS.

Overall, whoever wrote this, you were pretty much spot on. Thanks weirdos!

Friday, January 22, 2010

word of the day

Every Tuesday morning at work, we have a meeting. At 8 AM SHARP.















Don't be late, motherfuckers.

I like 'em; but then again, very rarely am I ever late for work. It pisses me off so much, I hate when people are late. Nothing says, "I don't care", like showing up late. Well unless you actually say, "I don't care".

But yeah, the meetings, I do like them. Rather, I like the idea of them. The thing is, sometimes they go on a bit too long; as some conversations that should be held between just a couple people, are held between the entire company. BO-RING

BO-RING, not BO-NER.

So whatever, 15-25 mins of my morning, every Tuesday, is/are spent in these meetings.

And every week, we end them with a word of the day.

Whoever is leading the meeting that day will pick someone out, usually at random, and have them offer up a word of the day. The meeting ends when we all gather around in the middle of the room, put a hand in, and then we yell the word of the day. Louder than thunder, we yell the word of the day as we raise our hands and fists to the sky. Kinda hokey, but it's a nice touch.

However, this week a dude interrupted, and suggested his word of the day. He went about how he had something to say. Keep in mind, this guy is a pretty funny dude - well, as funny as you can be at work, in a G-rated environment, with the entire company surrounding you.

I don't think there has been a person in this world, that does not like this guy. That's why I was so surprised at his word of the day.

So anyway, the floor is now his.

Telling some anecdote how he saw a bunch of troops fly out of an airport, he wanted to acknowledge them, and what they do for our country. Ok, that's fair. Going on, he wanted to point out all of our freedom, right here in 'Murica, and how the troops are responsible for that...like the troops are fighting some oppressive force that is trying to hard to enslave us or something.

















Ok
, yeah, the armed forces were responsible like 200 years ago, that's for sure. And then maybe again like 100 years ago, but you could debate it either way. Then of course again like 65 years ago, but please go on.

Oh god, and here it comes. Now he's talking about how the troops are making it safer for us here, and safer for the people of Afghanistan, and how they're fighting for freedom over there. Lol, I'm not sure what the Iraqi's would have to say about that.

The thing is, he wholeheartedly believed that. There was nary an inflection of doubt, as he stood steadfast to his words.

Scarier still, other people actually believe that. Like lots of people.





















But anyway, I put my hand in the middle, and when everybody yelled together the word of the day, I yelled, "nation building!"

I don't know, I thought it was pretty funny.

Man, I fully support the troops, just not what they're doing, or why they're doing it.

Truth is, it really got me thinking about the bigger picture. Within seconds, my mind was drifting to more important things, like "how soon can I get some massive boobies closer to my face, and how much is it gonna cost?"

"A Chik-fil-a chicken biscuit thing sounds amazing right about now; but it's unfortunate that the closest one is like a half hour away."

"I need to think of an excuse to skip working out after work, so I can go home and start drinking right away. Shit, I'm out of whiskey."

"This might make a pretty shitty idea for a blog, but by the time I get to next week, I'm going to need something, anything, to post for Friday."

"Just the thought of a Chik-fil-a chicken biscuit thing, combined with the previous talk about the troops and freedom - I think there's gonna be a bloody war in my bowels, with a little bit of it spilling out into my drawers."

"Oh god, I think that was a wet one"

"I need to get back to my desk so I can continue posting some of the dumbest shit ever, on twitter, and on my bloGODDAMNIT, I have a boner again."

Thursday, January 21, 2010

shopping for a couple hours: a narrative

I might be a bad son. You saw my HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD BONUS PUMP post thing from yesterday, right? Well I was going to post that for today, a day after his birthday - cause I wasn't sure if I'd have time to type up an awesome post.

Lucky for you, I had time. Read on, kids.

I don't even remember what day it was; I think maybe last Saturday. The day, itself, doesn't matter as much as what happened during the day. As my boi Graham Greene once said, that is "the heart of the matter, (motherfuckerz)". That's what we're after here.

So n-e-whey, its ur boi, out for a stroll/shop in the Archer area, ferk yeah. I had the tunes pumpin' so loud my whole car was rattling.








In fact, the tunes were so loud that I could barely even pay attention to where I was going. I can barely open my eyes, man. Dude, we were swervin' and jumpin' curbs and shit, when all of a sudden, LOOKOUT!













Holy shit, out of nowhere pops a horde of fat fucks! Goddamnit I had to swerve, to narrowly avoid missing those flibbity flabbity fat fucks!

Quickly realizing we were in the vicinity of human elephants, I turned down the tunes, and let my car idle, as I coasted past them. Shhhhhh, you don't want them to hear you. You gotta be quiet. They may think you have food; and you don't want to get trampled.

Last thing I wanted to do was turn one of those sloths into a (sub)human speedbump, like this unlucky chap from a couple weeks ago.

















Besides, if they got too close, I'd just fire off a couple warning shots. Thank the heavenly lord above that I had my boyz with me. Chyeah, that’s me in the driver’s seat. You never know. My boi Meatman, he been ridin' with me, he can vouch for this.

















Just in case you can’t see too well, this is me.

















Clearly, I don't fuck around.

After that little scare, I headed over to Lowes. Holy shit, Lowes. You ever been to a Lowes before? I suppose it didn't help that this one is right next to the second shittiest Wal-Mart in Gainesville. You should see the shittiest.

It's literally like the walking dead shopping there. Buncha goddamn animals (lol).

No but seriously, so many hillbilly DIY'ers, as I like to call 'em. Rural-ass fuggin' DIY'ers, man.

Once we got to Lowes, we bought some stain, to stain my guitar...that I've had sitting, unassembled, for over three (3) years. More on that next week though.

By the time we were done at Lowes, I was too pissed off to continue shopping; that, and I had to get a haircut soon. So we headed home, contemplated getting some ice cream, but just went home instead. Yeah, I know, wrong choice.

Interesting little note here, as I type this up, I'm listening to the newest Vampire Weekend album, "Contra". While I didn't immediately enjoy it like I did with their previous effort, I find that it's definitely growing on me. Those little fruitloops sure can write some catchy tunes.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

BONUS PUMP: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

GOOD NEWS DAD - IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW OLD YOU ARE, BUT I HAVE A FEELING YOU'RE A COUPLE YEARS OLDER THAN ME.

I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AWESOME DAY!

ALSO, CHECK YOUR EMAIL, THERE MIGHT BE A BIRTHDAY PRESENT HANGING OUT.

CHECK BELOW FOR THE REGULARLY SCHEDULED HUMP DAY PUMP UP!

warning: slight blasphemy below.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: WE'VE FOUND GOD

FUCK YEAH YOU PUSSIES, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, WE'RE GONNA LET IT ALL HANG OUT.

I think about half of the daily HDPU readership just x'ed out, probably due to the fact that they thought there were gonna be pictures of ur boi "letting it all hang out". Of course, with "it" being my dongdong. Not the case here, friendos, just some good old fashioned songs that I was previously afraid to admit that PUMP ME UP.

WE'RE DOIN' THIS FOR MAH BOI, JC, UP IN THE HEAVENZ.

That's right pussybeats, we've gone god up on ya, and we're here with some of the most blasphemous christian metal that you're ever gonna find.

This first band, called Haste the Day, has a horrible, horrible name. These dipshits are here with "When Everything Falls". The official video skips the awesome intro, so here's this one with a bunch of pics of dudes in the air force.

Whatever.

I don't know why, but this song really PUMPS ME UP. I think it's because the intro is AWESOME, and the chorus is CATCHY AS HELL. But srsly, lol @ the horrible screaming on the verses.

I would never buy the album or anything silly like that, but I sure as shit would throw a song up on a HDPU, and rip on these dickheads.



That band is pretty much everything that's wrong with heavy music.

Now here's another band that I don't really give two (2) shits about, but a couple of the songs from their more recent output that I've heard are pretty bad ass. And look at the assholes in the band, that's embarrassing. Those twinks are somebody's kids. Well they were, cause they probably got disowned the minute mom & dad saw what little shits they turned into.



I don't give a goddamn (haha, sorry Jesus), but this song is BAD ASS. And the chorus is so catchy.



Oh hey, it's the same band with another song here, that sounds exactly like the previous one! They say imitation is the highest form of flattery! And no doubt, pilfering your own music, to make more music, PUMPS ME UP.



Dude, it's Wednesday, HUMP DAY, this is a four (4) day week of work that I'm dealing with here. I wish it were three (3) or two (2), but I can't complain. Keeping with the Cheesus theme, and my inability to realize what is in bad taste, I'm asking you to take each remaining day of the week, and pOUND A FUCKING NAIL RIGHT THROUGH IT. CRUCIFY THE SHIT OUT OF THE REST OF THIS WEEK AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'LL HAVE THE NEXT COUPLE DAYS OF WORK ALL STRUNG UP ON A BIG WOODEN CROSS, JUST WAITING TO DIE.

YOU'LL REACH FRIDAY AT 5PM, AND WITH A RESOUNDING "FUCK YEAH", YOU'LL HAVE MADE IT THROUGH.

All courtesy of today's HUMP DAY PUMP UP, and that big PUMP in the sky.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

from the depths of my forehead

Wow. I don't even know where to begin here.

Most of you know that we had our engagement photo shoot scheduled for this weekend, Sunday afternoon sometime. True story. It happened, and it was a lot less awkward than I thought it was going to be. For the most part, aside from a little wind, the weather was pretty great.

The photographers were very chilled out, and we got a bunch of great shots, at a bunch of great locations. Personally, if it were up to me, I would skip the whole goddamn thing; but it came for "free" as part of our photography package for the wedding.

So we did it.

I got a haircut on Saturday, so I'd look smooth as shit on Sunday. Interesting little fun fact here, before I got my haircut, my hair was actually the longest it had ever been. That's right, my bangs actually came down past my eyes a little. All throughout my childhood, I had wanted to grow my hair long, but my parents would never let me.

So I grew it long now. Well, not that long, but still. Fuck yeah, I'm 28 years old and still rebelling against my parents.

Yeah so anyway, back in time - I get up Thursday morning, and what the fuck do I find?

A BIG ASS MOTHERFUCKIN ZIT ON MY GODDAMN FOREHEAD.

Whatever, I'll be gentle, I won't pop it, it won't scab (not our ferret) over like woah; and I can just use some cover-up for the photo shoot. No big deal.

That lasted for about 8 hours, cause when I got home from work on Thursday night, I headed right for the bathroom.

To pop the shit out of that thing.

It's horrible, I have no patience. And I love popping big ass zits. And squirting puss all over the mirror. Though it's not as fun as it used to be; because I don't have my mom yelling at me for squirting puss all over her mirrors anymore.

So of course I tried to pop it, but it wasn't ready, and after it finally stopped leaking, I was just left with a monstrous scab (again, not our ferret) on my forehead.

Check the photograph below - you can see I'm a pretty good looking guy.















But when you throw a huge, golf ball-sized fleshy, moist, reddened cyst-superzit into the mix, good-looking turns into wtf.
















Sweet.

So we wound up going to the bar on Friday night, as one of our friends was in town (thank you, *****, for reading my blog! preesh!). Man, it was awesome being at the bar with the biggest goddamn zit the world has ever known. It was even awesomer when one of my friends blurts out, "what the hell happened to that zit on your forehead?!?!?"

It was really awesome, once one dude noticed, and said something, everybody else noticed.

And said something.

The cool thing was, there were probably 15 people in our group out that night.

Within seconds, like a swarm of killer beez, I had like 8 chicks surrounding me, telling me how to get rid of this goddamned thing. It's funny, you know how when you talk to somebody, you usually look them in the eyes? Well now people were looking me in my third eye - the zit.

What little I could make out from everybody yelling pimple-care instructions at me, I picked up that toothpaste will work well to dry it out.








Jesus Christ, I'm supposed to put toothpaste on my head?

So we got home, and when it was time for bed, I washed my face, and applied a liberal dose of toofpaste to the "issue". Felt like an asshole, for sure. Woke up the next morning, and this shit was dried the FO out.

By the time the photo shoot rolled around, yo, ur boi was ready to git it poppin' whats up.

Friday, January 15, 2010

chris brown: like a year later

When I say Chris Brown, you know who I'm talking about, right? If so, read on. If not, I don't know what to tell you; but read on anyway. It seems that a lot of people are still kind of pissed off at him. Yeah, yeah he roughed up some chick, a famous chick; but it's not like he killed a bunch of people or something.

It's not like he goes to the gym, and like me, just starts hulking out on everybody.

I don't condone hitting women, or anyone really. Wow, did I just admit that? The only time I actively encourage you to hit a broad, besides all the time, is when they mouth off uncontrollably.

Seriously.

It's like, slore, if you're gonna get in my face like a dude, you better be ready to get cut the fuck up, like a dude. I think that's fair. Equal rights, equal fights, right? Why are all these pussies crying about hitting a broad. Nine (9) times out of ten (10), if it was a dude starting the fight, they'd probably get hit/cut/slapped/choked/tasered/bound 'n gagged/violently hugged/etc. Are you supposed to give her a pass because she's a woman? That doesn't sound like equality to me!

That said, I'm not saying I'd hit a chick, but I don't know, I might grab a boob or something. I'm definitely down for boob grabbing.

With her permission of course.

But that's not the point.

Whether Chris Brown was totally in the wrong, we'll never know, we weren't there. But that won't stop us from judging him!

What does drive me nuts though, is how some media sites still crucify the dude.

He recently did an interview on 20/20, and one gossip-site was crying about how it went down:

"No accounting for his conduct, no calling him out for self promotion not even a year after beating down his girl, and worse…"

Wait a second, "no accounting for his conduct"? This happened almost a year ago. I'm pretty sure he went to court, got sentenced, and paid his debt to society. According to the liberal pussy media, I would think he'd get off scott-free...because he's not only a criminal, but he's a black criminal. It would only make sense that they'd blame something, or someone, else for something he did. On his own volition.

"No calling him out for self promotion"? Uh, he is putting out a new album, and is trying to promote it. I think that's why he's going out in the media.

"...beating down his girl..."? Uh way to keep bringing up this stupid story.

Here's my take:

Chris Brown should get the electric chair. Not because he hit a girl, not because he's black, not because the dude's a toolbox, rather because in my fantasy football league, I picked up a guy named Chris Brown, and he fucked me big time. I needed a lot of points out of that son of a bitch, and the asshole didn't do shit for me.

Fuck all people named Chris Brown.

To be fair though, I'd also love to see Rihanna get the chair too. That bitch annoying. Hot, but annoying.

At the end of the day, I guess I'd like to see a lot of people get the chair.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

the fan

Let's take you back, back to one of my previous posts, about "the stink".

Well, because of her, I've had to make a few adjustments with how I have my office set up.

It's well documented how much this lady smells, and how much she stinks up my office. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

When she'd come in, stink it up, and leave, I'd use my fan to break up the shitmist of stench she left with me. I'd aim the fan in my general direction, and it would blow away the humid, putrid rotting air that was left hanging all around me.

It worked well enough.

But wouldn't it be better if I never had to deal with this in the first place?

You're goddamn right it would.

With a little bit of thinking, I devised a plan to nip this problem in the bud.















In case you can't tell what's happening, I set my fan up so that it faces right at the doorway. Not only will it blow any unnecessary stink right back to where it came from, but it will hopefully deter the stink from even entering in the first place.

Check this out, imagine you had some asinine question to ask me, and for some reason you couldn't pick up the phone, or shoot me an instant message, but had to come ask me personally, imagine that shit.

Now imagine stepping into my office, and being greeted immediately by a cold, hard, throbbing, blast of air to the face. Kind of annoying right? My hope is that you'll be reinforced and reinforced and reinforced to just STAY THE FUCK OUT.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

chill it out to pump it up



I thought it would be appropriate to kick today's HDPU off with 2 of the most covered topics here: the gym & farting.

Sometimes, to get really and totally pumped up, you gotta slow it down a little bit to speed it up.

And that's the plan for today, Sally. Today's HDPU-sponsored band is Chamberlain.

Easily one of my favorites. And the best part is, you can actually listen to these videos!

That's right, no death metal, no hardcore - just awesome rock. No yelling, no blastbeats, no screaming, no breakdowns, no gurgled vocals, just a fantastic singer and some great guitar work.

Oh you've never heard of them?

Haha, well that's because you're an inbred little turd that's lived a shelturd life, you fuck up!

This song is called "Manhattan's Iron Horses". What that means, I have no idea. Actually, I don't really know what the fuck this asshole is singing about most of the time. His lyrics are influenced by his faith, and a whole lot of other artsy, poetic shit. With that said, I don't really give a shit what the songs are about, but goddamn he's a great singer though. Anyway, this song is probably the most upbeat tune they do.



Listen to this nice little boner jam, "Hey Louise". Who the hell is Louise? Rumor has it that when they were on tour, the whole band ran a train, multiple times, on some chick from Saint Louis, named, you guessed it, Louise. I'm pretty sure that story isn't true at all, cause I just made it up; anyway, that's what this song is about.

It's funny, the band is broken up, but they all have their own solo projects, and other bands; and they always make sure to play shows in Saint Louis.

The song is mellow and catchy, and generally won't make my gym playlist, but when I put it in the context of what I just told you about, yo my testosterone levels are THROUGH THE ROOF WHAT.



On the album, "The Moon My Saddle", this is like seven and a half minutes of awesome. Here, it's just over four minutes of awesome. Do you like awesome? This one's called "Until the Day Burns Down". I don't know why you'd want the day to burn down.

All I want to burn down is the GODDAMN ARIZONA CARDINALS STADIUM FUCK YOU, KURT WARNER I CAN'T WAIT TILL DREW BREES KILLS YOU.



There's a message here; there really is. And it's totally appropriate for HUMP DAY PUMP UP: Perseverance.

Yeah, that's the message.

Chamberlain was a rock band from Indiana, they never made it big, but managed to make a couple awesome albums. The various musicians have gone on to release solo albums, and they keep plugging away. But it's the former singer, David Moore, who seems to have had the most success. That's right, he recently released an album of VH1-style adult contemporary music.

If you persevere, keep your PUMP LEVELS on HIGH, someday you may be able KICK THE SHIT OUT OF THE REST OF THE WEEK/release an album of adult contemporary music.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

im gonna leave at 5

I'm not even sure this story is really that funny. Whatever, it happened at work, and even though it didn't happen in the bathroom, so it's funny by default.

Every day, work starts at 8, and ends at 5. Being the lazy bastard that I am, I usually start winding down my work day around, say, about 3:30 or 4. It's nice to have that hour, hour and half to really get things wrapped up, so I can leave at 5. Not at 4:45, not at 4:55, not at 4:59. At 5. 5 PM. I get paid until 5, so I stay until 5.

So it was one of the days before Xmas, and there was hardly anybody else in the office, just me and another lady. The stinky lady.

Whoever is the last to leave, has to lock up. Usually it's my boss, as she's usually there pretty late. But not today.

At about 4:58, as I'm looking up from my computer, I see a figure approaching my desk.

It's her.

Does she think she's leaving before the 5 o'clock whistle? Is that what you're thinking, you psychotic fuck?

So she waddles up to my desk, tells me to have a nice night, and asks me if I'm going to lock up when I leave.

My reply, "yeah, I'll lock up, I'm not going to leave until 5 though".

I love making snippy, petty comments like that. She knew what I meant, she knew where I was going. At least that's what the frown on her face told me.

Monday, January 11, 2010

a series of short videos

Hope everyone had a nice little weekend. I did, it was a little low key, but still had a good time. I could be locked in the bathroom all weekend, smearing myself with shit, and it would still be a good weekend. Obviously, because I wouldn't be at work.

With that said, lets get to the lols, friends. At some point this weekend, I was lurking ESPN.com, and came across some article where the coach of the Kansas State basketball team apparently hit one of his players. Yeah, he hit some kid.

But it wasn't like a knuckle sandwich; it was like a backhand, couple finger slap on the player's upper arm. Guess it was some big deal because it was on the front page of ESPN, and the coach felt the need to apologize. Naturally I tried to find video of this, but instead came across this sweet vid:



Lol @ that little tap.

Of course there were a bunch of "related videos" that I had to check out. Like this one. Watch the ref pick up the kid after the play is over.



Holy lol @ the flag coming in about halfway through. Are they gonna penalize the crazy dad 15 yards? Lol. More like penilize.

Most of you have probably seen this one before, as it made its rounds around the internetz a couple years ago. But keeping with the sports theme, this vid is a no-brainer.



Dude is pretty sure he isn't a homosexual, but I don't now, I think he liked it a little bit.

I don't know, I was searching for videos of coaches hitting players, players hitting refs, refs getting blasted, me pounding slores, and dads going crazy on refs, and out of nowhere - BAM! - this vid popped up.



This shit happens all the time with me.

Friday, January 8, 2010

crazy facebook status of the day

I was lurkin' ex-girlfriends on facebook the other day, when all of a sudden I came across something crazy. Something mindblowing. Something so fucked up that I knew there needed to be a blogpost about it.

I saw some chicks ridiculous facebook status.

Check this insanity out:

"Buckle up, people of the most High God, this is going to be an incredible year of miracles, favor, and supernatural acceleration! All you need to do is keep on believing!"


SUPERNATURAL ACCELERATION?!?!?!?!

CAN I CAN SUMMA DAT FOR MY CAR, PLZ?

First things first, what the fuck does that even mean? The only logical conclusion that I can draw from this is something something, GHOSTRIDE THE WHIP.



Ok, in all seriousness though, let's break it down for all you sane people out there. Cause like, after I read it, I was like, "wtf, ho?". Yeah, that's right: question mark, quotation mark, period. For real, I had to read it like three (3) times, and even then, the only thing I could get out of it was that I needed to make a blogpost out of it.

Moving from crazy talk, straight into real talk, "Most high God"? Does she mean "the lord he who smoketh the most weed"?

Still lollin' @ that supernatural acceleration.

And then someone commented on one of her other facebook status sermons:

Happy day of your first birth, for sure. But that second birth is what really counts. Thank God for 2 birthdays! Amen!

WHAT THE FUCK, I WANT TWO (2) BIRTHDAYS. PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.

Wait, I actually had two (2) birthdays. Yeah, that's right, my parents are divorced, so I had a birthday with my mom, then a birthday with my dad. It was awesome. Then I had two (2) Christmases too. Did Jesus have two (2) Christmases? Don't think so.

What's up Jesus.

I'm going to assume those facebook retards don't have divorced parents, and never had two (2) birthdays.

And holy lol @ "first birth" though. Yeah yeah, I know he's talking about some reawakening, born-again bullshit, but goddamnit dude, you only get born once.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

smoke breaks

Eh, so I guess it's Thursday. That means you survived yesterday's HUMP DAY PUMP UP; and no I'm not going to link it - just scroll down, vagface. Lol, I haven't even put together the HDPU, but I'm already commenting on you surviving it. Jeez, what if it sucked? I'd probably look like a pretty big asshole.

But not as big an asshole as Asshole Number 1, who (m, whom? I don't know, f u) I'll be describing in a few.

I've been noticing something kind of fucked up happening at work: people taking smoke breaks. No, smoke breaks aren't the fucked up thing, though getting paid to inhale cancer is kind of fucked up, if you think about it.

The smoke breaks I have a problem with are the ones at like 4:45 pm. Not that I have a problem with the time, "4:45 pm" or anything, but like, if you get done with work at 5 pm, that's kinda screwy.

You following me? If not, let me paint a literary picture of words, phrases, and (mostly) incomplete sentences:

Asshole Number 1 is addicted to cigarettes (lol!), and partakes in various smoke breaks throughout the day. But he times his pathetic cravings out so that he has his last one at 4:45. Like 15 minutes until he leaves for the day. Ummmmm...

You couldn't wait the 15 minutes to smoke on your own time?

You don't want to smoke in your car on the way home? I don't blame you, no smoking in my car either.

You'd rather look like an asshole to everybody in the entire office building? Cause you look like an asshole regardless of whether you smoke cigarettes or not.

Like, what's your problem?

You do realize that because of your shitty choices, you're getting paid to smoke? It's no secret that smoking kills you slowly, and you're paying like what, $4 or $5 a pack to do it? Let me sweeten the deal for you: I'll give you $5000 USD if you shove a pair of scissors into your skull. You'll never have to buy a pack of cigarettes again!

And you know what else? I've walked into the bathroom at the same time as you before, right after you finish smoking. After heading to separate, but equal, urine receptacles, and then peeing, our bathroom experiences take divergent paths - you head right out the door, wiping your dick, piss, and cancer covered hands all over the door knob, and whatever else you touch, you sick fuck.

And then there's me, I head over to the handwashing station, conveniently called a sink, and wash my hands. Don't worry, I grab an extra paper towel to handle the doorknob that you just infected with your brand of turdshitpiss filth.

See, that's the difference between us, you're a dickless, cancer-getting, non-handwashing fruitloop; and I'm just a dude tryin' to stay clean, man.

Get emphysema and die, pussy.

God, what an asshole.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm typing this up Sunday evening, and the Cowboys-Eagles game is on. I just totally watched a Cowboy, #97, get his helmet torn off, and sack the shit out of Eagles quarterback, Donovan McNabb. Pretty bad ass.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

FIRST HDPU OF 2010

I don't even know where to start this. Just the fact that all 15 of you have been reading this blog long enough for me to post HUMP DAY PUMP UPS all the way into 2010, astounds me.

This calls for a celebration!

And there's only one way to celebrate! Wif mah main man, ANDREW WK! FUCK YEAH



We've all partied before, and we've all been to parties. But let me ask you this: Have you ever been partying at a party when this particular song came on? I've thrown parties where people are partying when I put this song on, and I've been partying at crazy parties when this song came on...

...and the result was always the same - I partied harder. And harder. And harder. Until I was ROCK HARD. Don't believe me? Listen up lowball, you don't know shit. Nobody would dare dispute that.

I don't even know where I'm going with this.

But I do know where I'm going with THIS:



HOLY FUCK WITH VIDS LIKE THIS, 2010 IS GOING TO BE THE BEST GODDAMN YEAR EVER HOLY SHIT.

2 absolutely crushing, awesome songs, and surprisingly awesome audio. To give you an idea of how awesome this shit is, if this show were to happen in Gainesville, tomorrow, I'd probably pay upwards of $1000 to be there.

Ok, that's not true - I wouldn't pay shit. But it would be pretty sweet.

I can't believe I had a chance to see this band, and snoozed. FUCK.



WHAT THE FUCK I'M MOSHING IN MY GODDAMN LIVING ROOM I JUST SPINKICKED A 3 LEGGED CAT. PICKING UP FERRETS WTF.

If you're in the doldrums in this new year, you best check out these vids, and rip the shit outta 2010.

YOUR NUMBERS UP, YOU'RE WASHED UP



The name of the band is The Promise. Great band, and I've known these guys for years now. Actually I don't know them at all - if I'd pass one of them on the streets, I probably wouldn't even know it. But that's not what matters.

What matters is THE STRAIGHTEDGE. Lol, just kidding, what matters is THE PROMISE.

MY PROMISE.

MY PROMISE TO KEEP THIS SHIT POPPING ALL THROUGHOUT 2010.

OK, we better wrap this shit up before somebody'z head EXPLODES.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HECKYEAHBROTHER!

Good news, it's my brother's birthday, and I think he's turning 30. Wait, I'm his older brother, and I'm only 28. Shit, I can't remember.

Even more good news, he loves the band, Dragonforce; so here's a sweet Dragonforce video for you, brother. I don't even like this band that much, but he fucking loves them. This song is pretty badass though.



Oh, what's that you say? You don't like this song and think it sucks?

Well, not only did my brother work at a karate store, where he got 13 different blackbelts, but he also thinks you're a fucking pussy cocksucker who's gonna get what's coming your way.

Don't believe me? Here, check it out, here's a picture of my brother giving a bunch of people exactly what's coming to them. Can't wait to see the look on your face when my brother is breaking your kneecap with a brutal kick, while slicing your throat like a hot knife through butter with his mini-dagger thing that he carries around.














Rumor is, the only reason he didn't brutally slice up the weirdo in the red shirt is because by the time he got to him, he had to release a massive slider, and there simply wasn't time to do both. Note that the dude's shirt is no longer white; but it's now red, from all the bloodstains.

Oh yeah, I totally forgot, your gift is in the mail!

Monday, January 4, 2010

an xmas treat to (and from) me

Wow, welcome to 2010, pussies. Get killed.

No but seriously, my new year's resolution is to do more awesome things like I'm about outline below.

If you've been reading, you know that we had Xmas at our place this year. Heckyeahwoman's family flew in - this included her parents, and both her sister, and her sister's boyfriend. They were all a pleasure to host, and have over.

Which might be why doing what I did, what I'm about to explain, might not make sense.

Having two (2) bathrooms in our place, both of us used Heckyeahwoman's (fuck yeah, it was clean and actually smelled good); while I scrubbed mine furiously, and the sister and boyfriend used mine. No worries, I actually got it pretty clean. Though some of the skidmarks on the toilet didn't want to go away.

Trying to be hospitable, I offered up clean (lol!) towels, soap, shampoop, whatever they needed. Turns out, a couple days into their stay, the boyfriend decided it was time for a haircut. So the sister wound up giving her boyfriend a haircut. Pretty cool, a little DIY action. No problemo, here's a scissors, go to town. Oh yeah, you need clippers too? I got dem 2.

So they gettin' they haircut on, and when the finish, homeboy wanted to trim his beard. Oh word? Naturally, I got up to grab him my little trimmer thing. 'Cept the thing is, I have two different sets of trimmers: one for my facial hair, and one, well, not for my facial hair.

Actually for my BALLS.

Not knowing what he was going to do, behind closed doors, in my bathroom, with my trimmerz, I went ahead and gave him my non-facial hair trimmer.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA OWNED!

But his beard looked great all trimmed up!

Finally on the last day, they were getting ready to shower before they took off, and while his beard looked nice and cleaned up, he started to grow some stubble, and needed a shave. You know who he goes to, for all his facial hair and shaving needs, right?

Chyeah, that's right, ur boi.

Digging through my bathroom stuff, and then finally handing him a slightly used razor, "here ya go man, here's the only unused one I have".

Always polite, and always the gentleman, he replies, "nah it's cool man, I don't want to use your last razor, man".

Don't worry, I ensured him it's cool, and before long he was shaving away, without a care in the world. With the razor that I usually DON'T USE ON MY FACE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

HAHAHAHAHA SORRY BUDDY!

They went on to leave that day, and when I got home from work, it was bittersweet coming into a much emptier apartment. Yeah it was great to walk around in just my low-rise, bikini-cut, men's underwear, but it was also a blast having them around.

It was weird, after I got home, I showered, and went onto the computer to check my internet electronic mailz, and after the screen saver went away, I noticed the website that they left up on my computer. Totally not the type of site that I imagine they would frequent - it was obviously a parting gift for me.

How nice of them to leave http://resist.com on my computer for me! A great white power site!

It's funny, we only spent like a week together, but it sure didn't take them long to get to really know me.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE, MOTHERFUCKERS - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ***!!! Here's a special HECK YEAH, MAN birthday wish for you.



Happy Birthday!