Friday, December 31, 2010

best of 2010

Hey, it's my annual top 10 albums of the year! Go ahead, check them out, and maybe you'll have a sick new soundtrack with which to ring in the new year/get t-boned by a semi as you're drunk driving home from a crazy NYE party.

Let's start out with my biggest disappointment from the year: Minus the Bear - Omni.
Now I'm not saying it's bad, cause it's really good. Just that when your lead single is as awesome as My Time (below), and the rest of the songs on the album pale, that (fucking) sucks (, bro). While this album is my biggest disappointment, the single is my favorite song of the year. Check it out:





10. Ke$ha - Cannibal
Having just come out in November, it didn't have much time to creep into my top 10. But it's Ke$sha: you only need to hear it once before any verse or chorus becomes permanently embedded in your little pea brain. And besides, I was actually thinking about putting Jason Derulio in this spot lol. With a couple (of the nine) tracks re-recorded or whatever from Animal, she still manages to cram more awesome (even a ballad!) into an EP than most bands can muster in a lifetime of crappiness.

8. Integrity - The Blackest Curse
Integrity is awesome; this album is awesome. Having been around longer than I've been alive (that's not totally true, but they have probably been around longer than you've been alive), Integrity rarely releases a dud; Integ2000 WAS GOOD, pussybeats. Oh yeah, fast, thrashy, evil, metallic hardcore with solos and a whole lot of awesome. If you're into that thing, welcome to the 8th best album of the year. If you're not, become intimately familiar with chugging bleach.

7. Fortune & Glory - Centurion
Wait, who? My goddamn friend's band from Madison, WI. Think if New Found Glory were still a local band, had arguably the most handsome guitar player ever, and featured a bassist that I'm friends with on facebook because he reads my blog, and you have Fortune & Glory. Fast, catchy, awesome pop-punk with hardcore nuances, I love it. Unfortunately, they're breaking up, but not before they were kind enough to agree to play my 37th birthday party next July! Thanks guys! Anyway, this got a lot of rotation in my car, and will be great to play on a nice Spring day.

6. The Damned Things - Ironiclast
Been waitin' on this album since I heard it was coming out, like a year ago. The Damned Things feature the singer from Every Time I Die, couple dudes in Fall Out Boy, couple dudes from Anthrax, some bass player from I have no idea where. Sound sketchy? It's not. They come together to play some insanely catchy, classic heavy metal influenced hard rock. Handbook For the Recently Deceased and We've Got a Situation Here are so catchy that it actually pisses me off. Like really pisses me off. At first, many people think that three guitarists is overkill, but with awesome melodies and catchiness, The Damned Things pull it off. Oddly, my least favorite song on the album is actually the hardest track, Graverobber.

5. Ke$ha - Animal
Appears Ke$ha is the Strung Out of 2010 with two (2) entries on my top 10. Yes, I'd rather have double Strung Out or double Maroon 5 on the list, but this is fine too. Ok, Ok, Ok, I get it; a lot of people hate Kesha. But not this guy. Her album is insane - insane awesome. First time I heard Tik-Tok, I couldn't stop singing it. And it's that way with every song. Yo, I get that there's no substance, and it's totally throwaway, that's cool. But the sheer catchiness of the songs is impossible to ignore. Let me put it this way, when you're cruising around shopping with your stepmom, and she's singing "I threw up in the closet, and I don't care...cause the sun is coming up and oh my God I think I'm still fucked up" along with the album, you know you've got a winner. Ok, and Ke$ha is kind of hot in some trashy, hot mess sort of way. Shoot yeah.

4. Vampire Weekend - Contra
True story, I was way late in getting into this band. I think their last self titled album came out in like 2007. Didn't manage to listen to that until the end of 09, and this came out in January 2010. Having initially dismissed it as shitty indie rock made by Ray Ban wearing preppy fuckheads (well, it kind of is, minus the shitty part), I happily passed them over for a couple years. Big mistake. Their afro-indie vibe is just too catchy to not enjoy. Yeah, the couple slower songs on the album REALLY FUCKING SUCK, but the more upbeat, poppier joints are impossibly awesome. Give Up the Gun, Cousins, and California English are lessons in how to write awesome songs if you're an indie-rocker. Also, album opener, Horchata, with it's beachy, feel good vibe, had the honor of being played during the processional at my wedding. Try to be pissed off when you're listening to that song. Go ahead...unless of course you're one of the many broads that didn't hit the lottery by winning the sweepstakes to marry me. Then I understand if you're pissed when you hear this song. Congrats again Heckyeahwoman.

3. Gaslight Anthem - American Slang
My third favorite album of 2010 was also my third most anticipated album of 2010. Their task of surpassing the awesome that is The '59 Sound (2008) would seem insurmountable, and indeed it was. This album is substandard compared to their previous long player; however, it is superior to every other album released this year, save for two (see below, idiot). Featuring a distinctly more bluesy/motown vibe on many of their songs, the Gaslight Anthem really showcases frontman Brian Fallon's great voice. Should be noted that this band is aping Chamberlain's Exit 263, which is fine, because that album is fantastic as well. And David Moore is a better singer & lyricist. And Chamberlain is better.

2. Dillinger Escape Plan - Option Paralysis
Dude, this band can't stop getting better. When they started, I didn't give much of a shit because it was just some dude yelling over insane, chaotic music played by musicians that are unquestionably more talented than anything you listen to. As their second and third albums came out, we found them experimenting with, uh, experimentation...and accessibility & clean vocals - making them much more than just a technical hardcore band. It's great to see singer Greg Puciato's progressively improving pipes over the course of a few albums; he's matured into a fantastic, dynamic vocalist. Of course they haven't ditched heir trademark crazy, techy, mathy brand of hardcore; they just now know how to write fully developed, catchy, awesome songs. Not a stinker in the bunch.

1. Maroon 5 - Hands All Over
By far, my favorite album of 2010, check this sweet review from right after it came out. It's Maroon 5 - you hate them, I love them; move on, shitheads.

Should have been in the top 5: Have Heart - 10.22.09. This live album should have been awesome, but the vocals were completely inaudible. Where da vocalz at?

Played out? I don't give a shit, I love this:




Wednesday, December 29, 2010

HDPU: judgement free zone my ass

The POST HOLIDAY HUMP DAY is here. Everybody'z bummed because Christmas, Kwanza, Hanukkah, and whatever other shit are all over. Yes, New Years Eve is coming up in a couple days, but we still have to make it through at least a couple days of work to get there.

And worse, NYE is Friday night, so presumably most of us will work a full day, or at least have to get up early to go IN TO WORK, its gonna be hard to stay up all night to properly ring in the new year.

That's where I come in - to provide the PUMP for you to party PROPERLY.

And today we're talkin' about the gym, so you know there'll be PLENTY O PUMP to go around. But here's the thing:

A couple months ago I was all PUMPED because I joined a gym - Planet Fitness. Their whole thing is their $10 monthly fees (PUMP!), and their "judgement free zone" (LAME!). You're supposed to be able to go there and work out without being judged (MEGA LAME!).













Well my friends, when you're workin' out anywhere near me, you're gonna get judged. It won't be fair, it won't be nice, but it's gonna happen. So SUCK ON THAT (KEEPIN' IT REAL PUMP!)

Went to the gym a couple weeks ago and walked up to the weights to grab a couple 20 pounders, but there was only one (1) 20lb, and one (1) 25lb. Weird.

Did a quick scan of the immediate area, and saw nobody using just one dumbbell. Did another auxillary scan and zeroed in on some 17 year old punk doing chest presses with two (2) dumbbells. After eyeballing him and his dumbbells, I saw that he was using one of each - a 20 and a 25. (YOU'RE THE DIPSHIT PUMP)

Water you doing, weirdo?

You think just because you're in the "judgement free zone", that you're not gonna get judged?

Think again, fruitloop. I just sat there, staring at him, silently judging him so hard. Dude could definitely feel the judging.

The best part? This song was PUMPIN' on my mp3 player.




Shitz so awesome, not sure how you can listen to this and not squat 5,000 lbs, not be in a good mood, and not get PUMPED.

Speaking of the judgement free zone, Heckyeahwoman brought up a good point: if you drop a bomb (fart) while workin' out, does anybody have any right to judge you?

Whatever, I do it all the time. Cause I LOVE FARTING IN PUBLIC. (PUBLIC FARTER PUMP)

Last thing here, and I have no idea how much this is going to PUMP you up, other than the fact that you should be glad you aren't this returd.

Not gonna drop some Shakespearean prose on you or anything, just gonna tell you straight up: I saw some motherfucker in the locker room, sitting on the bench in just his boxers, picking his toes.

PICKING HIS TOES.

Not just scratching an itch, not pulling a splinter out of his foot, FURIOUSLY PICKING THE LINT FROM HIS TOES. Furrowed brow, squinted eyes, serious look on his face, he meant business.

Now I'm not sure if this was pre or post-workout, but it was happening. I have no idea if the lint in his toes was inhibiting his ability to burn calories or build muscle, but it was inhibiting my ability to not FUCKING KILL HIM.

Thing is, I could talk shit to him, but he looked mildly retarded. I could coerce him into fighting me, but that would involve him touching me. And those toe-picking fingers aren't gonna get anywhere near me or my moneymaker. So all I did was say, "I hope you wash your hands, bro", as I walked into the gym to begin my workout.

And I swear, it must have been an act of Science, because this was the first song on my mp3 player:




PUMP ON, FRIENDS

Monday, December 27, 2010

slap in the face

Quick little slap in the face here, courtesy of Heckyeahwoman. Read on:

One thing I take pride in, and enjoy doing, is cleaning. I love having a clean kitchen and a clean bathroom. Though with the way I dump, it's near impossible to keep the bathroom as pristine as I'd like.

Last Sunday, I took it up on myself to clean the bathroom. I cleaned everything: floor, sink, toilet. OK, I didn't clean the tub; for some reason, I hate cleaning the tub.

A couple days later, like two, HYW cleaned the toilet. Noticing a slightly shinier sheen around the rim of the bowl, I saw that the toilet had been recleaned. Now this was just like two days after I cleaned it - nary a chance for me to tarnish the porcelain with dried liquid shit splatter: it was still very clean.

With my heart beating furiously, anger coursing through my veins, and an anxiousness I've never felt before, I confronted my wife: "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CLEAN THE TOILET FOR? I JUST CLEANED IT TWO DAYS AGO!"

Taken by surprise, but not anywhere near ready to back down, "it looked like it needed a cleaning", she stammered back at me.

Exercising great restraint, I calmly explained that I had just cleaned the toilet, and there was no noticeable shit spatter. Have you ever explained to your wife (or any female family member) that there was no shit spatter on the toilet? Have you ever screamed at your wife (or any female family member), "THERE WAS NO FUCKING SHIT SPATTER!"? Have you?

Well it's kinda weird. Especially when there are at least 5 other people that live in the same building, and the walls are paper thin.

We left it at that before things escalated.

Why she would do this is beyond me. But what isn't beyond me is the stinging slap in the face this is still smarting.

Tell me I've got a small weiner. Tell me I'm bad in the sack. Judge me, dump me, cheat on me; but don't you ever reclean anything I just cleaned.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

HOLIDAY HUMP DAY PUMP UP

THE HOLIDAYS ARE ALMOST HERE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T NEED A LITTLE PICKMEUP to get you through.

That's where we come in.
Today, Heckyeahwoman and I are driving back to WI. If everything goes right, we'll have left at about 9AM, to arrive in Chicago sometime to pick up Heckyeahwoman's sister & boyfriend from the airport. Not HYW's boyfriend, her sister's bf.

I have no idea what time the flight is coming in; she told me, but I was obviously too busy getting PUMPED to listen. All I gotta do is drive and follow directions, the navigating is up to HYW. So we'll leave in the morning with a trunk FULL of our stuff, two (2) cats, and an empty backseat.

When we pick them up, we'll have 2 people in the backseat, their luggage, their gifts, and the bf has a cat I guess. 3 cats, 4 people, plus luggage and gifts in 1 car BONERPUMP!

I'll keep you updated on the voyage.

And because I hate kids, and seeing them cry PUMPS ME UP:














And because lol:






















Dude, it's like 3 days till Xmas, I'm heading to hang with my family for a week, get gross with my brother, terrorize my hometown, and listen to the following song on REPEAT FOR SEVEN STRAIGHT DAYS, that's not enough to PUMP YOU UP, you're fucked.






Happy holidays, get PUMPED, and spread some Holiday/HYM cheer this year!

Monday, December 20, 2010

don't ask, do tell

Don't really have anything "creative" or "funny" about this, just wanted to make a hilarious play on the DADT insanity that's infiltrating the news.

Well since we're here, why don't I just go ahead and cover the topic.

I don't know, I've never been to war before. So maybe I'm not the best person to comment on DADT. Also, I've never been, and will probably never be gay. I mean, I've definitely experimented a lot, many times, and will continue to experiment.

Many would say that the level of my experimenting, combined with the intensity, would make me gay. But I know deep down in my heart that I'm not gay. Anyway, this blog isn't about me; you're not asking, and I'm not telling.

Like, what really goes on during war?

Is it just chillin' in the foxhole, smokin' cigarettes, taking enemy fire, thinking, "dude next to me is gay omg". I can't imagine that thought ever crossing my mind. If you're anything like me, and for your sake let's hope you are, you'll be thinking, "holy shit I don't want to die", rather than worrying about fellow soldiers gettin' down with dudes.

The more that I think about it, if I were a soldier, I'd want all the dudes around me to be gay. Think about it; when soldiers aren't on duty, they go out and party. I'd much rather be out with a bunch of dudes that aren't interested in blasting chicks, than a bunch of dudes all scammin' on the same slores. Less competition, bros, think about it.

And you know what else? Broads dig dudes in uniform. You're out with your unit (with your unit just hangin' out, floppin' around), and the bitches are hittin' on all your bros, only to be turned away, and pointed in your direction.

Sounds horrible.

No but seriously, I think we can assume that the people that don't want homosexuals to serve in the military are retarded/don't like gays, right? Then my question is, if you don't like them, why wouldn't you want them to be shipped off to war, to get killed. Sounds kinda backwards to me.

Homophobes are homophags.

Anyway, not to get all political here, it's Monday, most of us have a shortened week due to the holidays, the last thing we wanna do is get all riled up over some politics. So let's all get riled up over something else.

Let's focus on the main segments of people that are actually destroying the moral fabric of our society: homeless people and elves. These are the people we should single out.

Why anyone would choose to be homeless is beyond me. What is so attractive about not having the means to do anything, except turd everybody else's lives up? I hate that when you see some idiot just standing there, bein' all homeless and stuff. Like, really? Are you nuts dude? Why you so poor? Go get a job, and work, and not be homeless. Maybe go to the gym once in a while too. Oh wait, you did go to Gainesville Gym, used the bathroom to shower, got caught by the owner, and thrown out lol.

Elves don't get to choose whether or not they are elves. They do get to choose whether or not they wear the pointy shoes, and whether they adorn themselves with little bells. When's the last time you've met an elf that you like? Sure, you've seen the movie, Elf, starring Will Ferrel, and it was really funny, but that's just a sensationalized, churched up version of real-life elf-living. Elves, you're a step above homeless people, but only because you have a home. And it's a baby step too. Screw you, elves.

Friday, December 17, 2010

viking fanz r dum

By now I'm sure most of you have heard about the Minnesota Vikings' stadium roof collapsing under the crushing weight of brutal Minnesota snow (Minnesnowta?).

If not, peep the vid below. Like the dude said on last weeks NFL pregame, it "looks like some James Cameron Titanic shit, yo".



Sweet.

So the game was moved to the Detroit Lions' field on Monday night. Tickets were free, but were "sold" out by 9am Monday morning.

Anyway, the Vikes still can't play ball in the Metrodome, so they're in dire need of a replacement NFL stadium for their upcoming matchup against whoever. Rather than playing at the other team's field, they're using the University of Minnesota's outdoor TCF field.

But according to this article, the field is covered in 5 foot drifts of snow. That need to be cleared.

And guess who they're letting shovel the snow.

Yep, the Minnesota Vikings are allowing their football fans to volunteer to shovel snow.

UPDATE! Now it appears the Vikings will be paying the workers, due to liability issues. Or like the article says, due to the Vikings repeatedly sucking generous amounts of dick, their 5-8 record, Brent Favre wearing sweet tapered leg Wranglers to practice again, and the fact that nobody in their right mind would want to shovel snow for free.

I don't even want to shovel snow for money.

Speaking of football, I mentioned the other day that Heckyeahwoman and I qualified for our fantasy football playoffs by finishing first and second, respectively. It's true, we both qualified again. Maybe you remember last year, we both made it to the championship.

Where she beat me. Then I beat her, so it evened out.

Anyway, our league was really tight, and it came down to the last game of the season for three of the four of us trying to get in. Heckyeahwoman already locked up her spot last week.

It just so happened that one of the dudes in the league that needed a win to get in, was playing his wife - who had no chance of making the playoffs, cause she's in the cellar every year. It's pretty clear she didn't play her best lineup, in what appears to be an effort to help her husband win...and make the playoffs.

Either way, totally a sketchy move. But what wasn't sketchy was my hilarious post on our fantasy football league, directed at the shady dealings:

congrats on making it into the playoffs.

unfortunately, the fact remains that your wife laid down for you, so you could win. whether or not you needed her help is irrelevant; you still asked her, and she complied. any way you slice it, that's a bitch move. once again, the rampant douchebaggery you've displayed in years past has reared its ugly head. your serial engagement in shitdickery of the highest order is not just embarrassing for you personally, but also detrimental to the integrity of the league.

your life has been reduced to essentially cheating at fantasy sports, with your wife as your accomplice. my life has been reduced to being awesome, doing awesome things every day, authoring the best blog ever, writing some of the worst songs ever, hitting the gym hard as shit, and doing donuts in wal-mart parking lots (weather permitting).

heck yeah, man.

Sadly, his rebuttal wasn't quite as awesome. And that's not a dig at him, rather a credit to my far superior wit. Again, not implying that he has a lack of wit, just that I'm really clever. To clarify, I'm not saying he's not really clever, I'm just pointing out that I'm on some next level shit. Doesn't mean he's not on some next level shit, or couldn't be on some next level shit in the near future, just that I'm a cut above. Understand that it's not that he's not a cut above, it's that I think there is an underlying issue with not just him, but the 6 other characters in my fantasy league: they're all just jealous of my team name - ROCK HARD RETARDS.

You know it.

Coincidentally, I play him in the first round this weekend. He's got a really good team again this year. And one more thing, I just noticed that last year's final standings are exactly the same as this year's top 3 seeds: Heckyeahwoman, me, and him.

Dude OMG.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

HDPU: YOU GOT STUFF IN YOUR TEETH

A confession: this PUMP may be a little half-assed. Been a rough couple of nights: get home from the gym at like 7:45, shower & eat and all of a sudden it's 9ish. GD, son, where the time go? It's the holidays, so I've been furiously Xmas shopping to get the order placed so we can have the gifts delivered before we bust outta town. Last thing I need is for our gifts to be delayed again.

Then I need to have that done by 11, so I can watch The Office, and then go to bed. So yeah, I spend all day at work on the computer, then come home and spend almost all night on the computer.

Here we are, Tuesday night, it's like 10:51, and I'm pisse-wait, what?



PUMP IS HERE, PUSSYBEATS.

Watch that awesome video, listen to that awesome song. Do it now.

Anyway, this has nothing to do with the video, but it has everything to do with personal hygiene.
AND PERSONAL HYGIENE PUMPS ME UP.

Every day at work I eat a spinach salad with my sandwich. It's quite delicious, as I've graduated to eating it without any dressing at all. Just pepper. And as any of my fellow spinach connoisseurs know, spinach gets stuck in your teef like woah.

But it's worth it, cause I love spinach. I LOVE FUCKING SPINACH. Wait, I FUCKING LOVE SPINACH. That's better.

I packed my lunch for Monday, and was so JACKED that I forgot to pack a FORK. GOD FORKING DAMMIT! It was awesome when I whipppppped out my di-uh, my salad, and realize there's no fork. Lucky for me, my little Grecian friend has a shitload of gyros, the sickest jeans, and more importantly, a used fork. Just needed the fork, don't give a shit about his gyros or jeans.

He was kind enough to let me borrow his used fork. Man so I marched that dirty ass fork into the bathroom and scrubbed it furiously. Finished up with some pre-lunch handwashin' prep, and it's NOMtime, friends.

Lunch continued on without incident.



Well, actually I watched the above video and almost choked on my sandwich cause I was so PUMPED.

Here comes the rub now. After lunch, as I'm heading for my after-lunch-urination, and to wash my little friend's fork, I totally forgot to check my teeth - you know, to make sure I ain't have no chunkz of spinach in my teefz.

Goddamnit.

Of course I got roped into a conversation right as I'm exiting the turlet. Just standing there, trying to carry on a conversation, but still trying to hide any potential green chunkz in my teeth. I probably looked like an asshole.

And you know what, here's another sweet video because I don't think I've yet done a sufficient job of delivering the PUMP to get you through the rest of this COLD ASS WEEK.




EXTRA BONUS PUMP: HECKYEAHWOMAN AND I QUALIFIED FOR THE PLAYOFFS IN OUR FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE. SHE FINISHED FIRST; I FINISHED SECOND. Probably gonna have a separate blog on the shenanigans that ensued. But till then, STAY PUMPED!

Monday, December 13, 2010

a strange day

Damn, this must have been like almost 10 years ago. If my memory serves me, I was a sophomore in college. This blog wasn't even a fleeting thought. Must've been early-mid December, as the fall semester was coming to an end.

After a rough day of easy day college classes, I was pretty tired. To make matters worse, I'd been suffering from a horrible cold, and just wanted to go home to take a nap. Hell, I even skipped the gym that day. But there was one thing I needed to do before nap-time.

Get a haircut.

Srsly, my hairz were getting all kinds of shaggy, and that ain't how I roll.

No worries as I swung by Cost Cutters for a quick cut. Goddamnit, it'll be a 10 minute wait. Didn't have much choice, so I waited. Finally my name got called, and there we are -basking in the glory of a sweet haircutter chair. There's something so comforting about that familiar shitty hair-cutter smell. Something even more comforting about a trashy, borderline-not-really-hot, high school drop-out skank running her bony fingers through my hair.

Being that I had a brutal cold, my nose was running like nonstop. Ur boi had the sniffles, and I kept wiping my nose to prevent snot from running into my mouf. But one time, about halfway through, as I went to wipe my nose, I noticed the kleenex was bloody. That's weird.

And just like that, the blood started dripping out my nose. Yeah, a nosebleed.

OK, this is kind of embarrassing. With a nervous smile, I excused myself into the bathroom. Couple minutes later, back to the haircut. I don't know, during the winter it's a little dryer, and I guess my nose thought it would be good to bleed a little. Just happy I ain't bleed all over my sweet Jncos, or sick 2XL ICP t-shirt.

No doubt the stylist cuttin' on my hair thought it was weird. In fact, I could see the disdain on her face as she noticed my nosebleed. Now she can think about what's weirder - a customer getting a nosebleed mid-cut, or me stiffing her ass with no tip. Note, stIffing her ass, not stUffing her ass.

I don't remember whether or not I did manage to get that nap. But I do know that my haircut was awesome.

Not sure why I thought this story was worth sharing.

Friday, December 10, 2010

good business, dawg

I've long been an enemy of diversity merely for diversity's sake. Most of you should probably know that. Conversely, I've long been a champion of putting your best foot forward, regardless of the color of your argyle sock.

And when people go out of their way to suck diversity's dick at work, yo, I gotta say something.

Look at it this way, the last time you went to a job interview, were you hoping your future potential boss was African American, White as fuck, or Chinese American? Or were you more worried (morried?) about your boss2B turning out to be a COMPLETE DOUCHEBAG?

Not that I have anything against loudmouth, male Italian Americans in their mid-20's.

Anyway, I'm guessing you were leaning towards the latter.

The point is, I was browsing the internetz the other day, and came across this "message from the president" from some company. It's from a huge company, and while he's trying to be diverse and green and shit, check the hints of insane racism that still sneak in. Let's peep this, paragraph by paragraph:

***** has long been committed to strengthening the minority/woman-owned business community. Our experience proves that assuring equal opportunity for MWBEs to compete among our broader supplier community is first and foremost good business. Supplier diversity has yielded numerous efficiency improvements throughout our enterprise that have directly improved our ability to serve our members.

A, so now we're giving acronyms to whatever the fuck we want? Yo, I got some acros that need some nyms, if you feel me. And B, they weren't giving equal opportunity to MWBEs before? Well what prompted the change? Dude had a revelation that "yo, I'd much rather do business with hot slores, and I can use this stupid policy to MAKE IT HAPPEN, WUT"...rather than just give an opportunity to those that worked hard and developed substantial business acumen.

Funny, I don't think there has ever been an "efficiency improvement" that can be credited to race or gender. I hired Jamal and our profits went up 500% because he's black! When Juan was promoted, he shot our margins up to 60% because he's Mexican! Sally saved the company $300M in overhead expenses this fiscal year because she's a woman!

"Hey HYM, how'd you get that huge sale in?"

"By being a crackerjack ass sucka, wtf u thinkin?"

In addition, a diverse supplier base also provides ***** with opportunities to lend our strength to growing businesses in some of our most economically-challenged areas. Encouraging entrepreneurship and competitiveness is the best way to make a lasting positive impact on a community.

Because the "diverse supplier base" can only reach out to "economically-challenged" areas? Holy crap, that's business-speak for "now we can exploit nonwhites and women, you know, poor people". Uh, that's pretty jacked up, even for my low standards.

ROFL @ "encouraging entrepreneurship and competitiveness". More like encouraging freebies, handouts and a sense of entitlement.

One last reason that we will continue to actively seek out diverse suppliers is because it is just plain fair that our vendors reflect the cultural variety of our membership and workforce. We look forward to strengthening our relations with current MWBEs and forging new partnerships with emerging competitive enterprises.

Funny, I woulda thought it was "just plain fair" to select vendors based on what they can bring to your business, rather than their gender or skin color. Maybe I'm just old fashioned though.

Cordially,

An Asshole


Totally mindboggling.

On a lighter note, I recently ended my streak of binge drinking at like 14 nights. Of course that was on Tuesday, and today is Friday, so I'm sure by now I'm 2 or 3 days back in again.

I played some sweet vids this past Monday, and I'm probably gonna do it again. That COD: Black Ops game is sweet as fo. I kept trying to shoot my buddy, but he turned friendly fire off. Pussy.

He's reading this, thinking, "I'm going to blast that dickhead next time he comes over".

I'm reading this, thinking, "heck yeah you are bro, heck yeah you are".

My wife is reading this, thinking, "my husband is retarded".

Our little orange kitty is not reading this, thinking, "omg why i so cute rofl?!"

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

HDPU: went to the mall last weekend

Had a nice little Saturday with Heckyeahwoman last weekend. I can only hope that this Saturday can be just as bomb. And PUMP FILLED.

Started out, hungover as FUCK - not her though - had some coffee, chillin' in my underwear as we decided what to do. We both needed to do a little shopping, so to the mall it is. Got there around 1:30ish, and headed straight for JC Penneys cause they had some sweet deals. Wound up buying a couple pairs of the illest jeans, and a money clip. Shit yeah, ILLEST JEANS PUMP UPINYA.

Heckyeahwoman bought some aw shit who am I kidding, I don't know what the hell she bought. WHATEVER YOUR WIFE SAYS IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER PUMP ALL DAY. All I did was carry the big ass bag around the rest of the day. YES HONEY I'LL CARRY THAT BAG PUMP OH YEAH.

We were both pretty PUPMED with our successes at Penneys that we decided to keep shoppin'. Going our separate ways seemed like the best way for us to buy whatever else we needed, get done, and start partying. So I headed over to American Eagle, and it was surreal.

Insane.

I've never been to that store when it was that crazy. There must've been like 80 employees there to greet me after every step I take. As usual, I ignored the dudes, and smiled and engaged the chicks. Shawties hollin' @ ur boi all day like wuh. BITCHES EYEIN' ME UP ON THE REGULAR SUPER PUMP!

I saw they had some deals, so I was lurkin', when I notice myself walking towards a woman. She appeared to be a manager, as she was maybe 10 years older than the 18-22 year slores jockin' me. That, and she had a sweet earpiece she was talking into. But it's not the earpiece that got my attention.

No, it was what she was saying into it, that got my goat. Now, keep in mind that this is inside an AMERICAN EAGLE store, not the oval office, the pentagon, the sidelines of a football game, or some high level boardroom meeting.

"C'mon team, we really need to focus today. We need to be a team and focus. Remember, focus".

Wait, wha?

The stressed out look on her face, the super-serious tone in her voice, and the penetrating stare in her eyes were all freakin' me out, man.

Dude I couldn't take it anymore, I bought my sweater and got the fo outta there. PUMPED 2 B OUTTA THE CRAZY-ZONE.

Shortly I found myself meeting back up with HYW, heading to Bath & Body Works, and all of a sudden a rush of highschool memories flooded over me. The innocent, corny-ass Bath & Body Works gifts I gave to high school girlfriends lol.

Man I was one corny-ass dude back in the day. Never stopped me from gettin' my mack on proper, though. CAN'T STOP THE PUMP!

Finally, shopping is done, PARTY MUHFUGGIN TIME. Yo we busted outta the mall, argued about what to do next, light spousal abuse may have ensued (PUMP!), and came to the conclusion that we should head to Damon's (PUMP), get some beers ($3 22oz DOMESTICS PUMP), and watch some football (DIE CAM NEWTON PUMP!).

lol @ HYW ordering the buffalo chicken sandwich, and me ordering the buffalo chicken grinder. LIVIN' THE ALL BUFFALO, ALL THE TIME LIFESTYLE MEGABONER PUMP!

Nice little Saturday. So PUMPED right now, I just want to go to back to THE MALL WITH MY AWESOME WIFE AND GET LOADED.

Yo where the cr00sh tunes at? Look below, silly, and get PUMPED


Monday, December 6, 2010

got a sweet coupon the other day

Got this sweet coupon yesterday, for real. Check it out:











At first I was like, "20% off, oh heck yeah!". Then I saw the Dunham's logo, and was all, "meh, but whatevz, 20% off is sweet".

After more thinking, "yoooo, that Dunham's is in Ypsi, straight hood, son".

But check out the fine print. Like you can't buy anything. ANYTHING.

WTF

Needless to say, I won't be shopping at Dunham's.

I ain't worried. Yo we were chillin' at the Pistons game on Friday, in a dope box seat. Place was stocked to the gills with free food and beer. And if we wanted any of the hard stuff, they gave us wristbands so we could creep over to the fancy bar and get whatever we wanted.

Totally ballin' for a night.

Before the game started, we got to go down to the court and chill with the Pistons for 15 mins. Before long, I was highfivin' and pimpslappin' wif Joe D, Isiah Thomas and Bill Laimbeer. Actually with Isiah, it was more like ho-slappin', but whatevz.

After the game, we hit up some sweet bar for a few cold ones, I beat the pants off one of my co-workers in one of those basketball arcade game things. Four times in a row. Homeboy was straight shocked. And upset. We all had a good laugh when the boss caught him in the bathroom in the middle of a tear-fuel'd whack off sesh.

Finally, it was time to call it a night. So we all piled back into the bus, and after the driver getting all kinds of lost, we were on the way home. No kidding, he drove us around this lake like three times before we were on the right track lol.

Knowing we were like an hour-twenty from home when we left the bar, I went to the urinal and whizzed my brains out. Ain't wanna have to piss m'self in the bus, with my boss, and assorted other people I don't want to embarass myself in front of.

So wouldn't you know it, about 15 minutes into the ride, I feel the stinging pangs of havin' to urinate. We got mad lost, and I thought MY FUCKIN DICK WAS GONNA EXPLODE.

On the real, I've never had to pee so bad in my life.

Aside from the time I grabbed my sister's boob in front of her boyfriend, at a funeral, like 3 years ago, that was the most uncomfortable I've ever been. SRSLY.

Surprisingly, we made pretty good time, and it was a mad-dash to the terlets back at the office for ur boi to get his pee on.

I don't really have a sister.

Friday, December 3, 2010

end of week wrap up

First, thank you for all the comments!


After seeing the monster comment success of HUMP DAY'S PUMP UP from this week, I thought it was nigh time for your boy to acknowledge some of the extra sassy comments from the past couple weeks.



Can't remember when, but a post or two ago, "shawty" commented: "Why are we even friends?". I honestly have no idea who it is. Either way, I hate the commenter, love the comment. Lol @ the anonymous comment after my response: "fuck you, asshat".

That one, I truly have no idea who it is.

But you know what? I hope they die. But not before they find someone to replace the pageviews!


Check out this sweet comment from the most recent HUMP DAY:






























Holy ROFL at that little trollgodhead poking out of the clouds. Also, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT "B" LOGO DOING ON THAT BASEBALL PLAYER'Z CAP?


FUCK THE RED SOX.








And yo, check this out, I arrive at work on Monday morning, and immediately get an IM from my homeboi, ****. It had a link in it.

The following youtube video is that link. Mom, maybe don't watch.






"I don't want a bitch that reads".
"Opinionated girls talk back. I ain't axe you shit. Who da fuck are you?"


Tuesday morning I woke up to look at my league's fantasy football standings. Good news - I'm in second place! Greater news - Heckyeahwoman is still in first place!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT

I ain't marry a chick that's gonna suck it up all season. Nah, shawtie makin' moves, gettin' points and findin' ways to win. Thing is, I never hear her thank GOD for a single one of her points. Though I do definitely hear her slam cupboards, beer bottles, the coffee table, and the cat when she's not winning lol.

It's like I've found the ultimate way to get under her skin: have her lose at fantasy football. Though the last three times we've played, she's uh...beat me. So yeah.

May be time for me to buss out my brass knucks.

What a week! Oh, and I'm going on like 9 straight days of getting loaded heck yeah should be a brutal weekend.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: BLAME IT ON GOD

Today we gotz an extra special PUMP for you on this HUMP DAY.

Many of you are familiar with the common tradition of sports figures thanking God for a great play or a huge victory. Happens all the time - anything from a simple gesture of pointing to the heavens, to a full blown speech thanking God for some sort of insane behind the back somersault catch.

Either way, it's FUCKING RETARDED. God didn't make you catch that ball, the years and years you spent practicing actually conditioned you to catch that ball. God didn't will your team to victory, rather your pre-game preparations, combined with a strong team effort fueled the victory.

Did God will the other team to lose? Did God will the dude on the other team to break his hip in half so you could dive over him for that touchdown? Dude's hip is broken in half, can you even comprehend that?

It's like the time I was at work and this chick got a sale, and then she thanked God for it. I immediately asked her if she was going to give her commissions to God (lol omg where would she send the check omg lol).

My query was met with a confused look and a nervous chuckle.

Anyway, maybe you saw the Bills - Steelers game over the weekend where the QB made a perfect toss to Steve Johnson, wide open in the endzone, in overtime, to seal the victory.

'Cept he dropped it.





OK, Johnson dropped it, his team went on to lose. Lol that sucks bro. But then my boi Stevie dropped some knowledge on twitter.















THIS HOW YOU DO ME? Only thing that's missing is a substitution of "YOU" for "U". Never mind that homeboy made a habit of dropping balls...no wait, BALLZ...dropping BALLZ all day. Like 5 of them.


What does this have to do with a PUMP? Well you should be PUMPED up that there are people out there that are way DUMBER and way STUPIDER than you.


Is stupider even a word? What about now - STUPIDER? Shut up.


You should be PUMPED because some idiot with a crazy haircut is sitting around blaming God, and I'm sitting around eating Jimmy John's all day.
And because I'm so PUMPED, here's a little Deicide action for u:





Go out, shoot people, loot, slack off at work, eat your kids, do drugs with your gay uncle, watch the Sex and the City sequel, stick a pencil in your nose, fart in a puddle, whatever, and then blame it on God.

Monday, November 29, 2010

things that suck 2010

In no particular order Ima list a couple things that suck in 2010. Note that most of these sucked before 2010, and they'll still suck after 2010.

hipsters - I'm sure I've made a couple mentions about how much I hate hipsters in numerous posts. Just a friendly reminder that yes, hipsters still suck. Nothing groundbreaking, just...oh goddamnit, see what I mean? Look at this asshole. I hate him so much and I don't even know him. I feel horrible. Maybe he's a really nice guy, maybe he donates half his paycheck to kids with cerebral palsy, maybe he has a heart of gold. I'll never know, and I can live with that because he's such a goddamn stupid hipster with a shitty sweater.




















skinny jeans - Kinda related to hipsters, but skinny jeans suck enough to get their own little explanation. True story, I was jean shopping the other day, and while trying on like 37 pairs of jeans, thought it'd be sweet to try on a pair of skinny jeans. While yes, they do look awesome on me - especially highlighting my monstrous, muscular thighs - they did look fucking stupid. Great barometer to judge the quality of a person - wearing skinny jean? Fucking DOUCHEBAG. Not wearing skinny jeans? Probably a fucking DOUCHEBAG, but maybe not.

you - Yes, you still suck. There's only one cure for your suckiness: pass my blog onto a couple friends. OK, one other cure too: COMMENT!

atheists - Lol these crybabies hate Christians and brag about being atheists, then deify their shitty president. WTF, bro? I don't believe in god either, but goddamn (lol), I'm not 16 anymore; is it really that shocking, witty, or clever to make fun of those more pious than thou? Just shut the fuck up and get back to work.

liberals - The Obama dicksucking is just insane; I've honestly never seen anything like it. Even all the idiots that thought Bush was a good president weren't this bad. Despite tolerance and openmindedness being traditional liberal values, if you're looking for either, look elsewhere (hint: if you're a hot chick, look in my pants - you'll find tons there).

neo-conservatives - See immediately above, cause they're the GODDAMN SAME. But for some reason, since neither of them can differentiate themselves from the other - neo-conversvatives, you suck the fat one. Sarah Palin, you suck too. But goddamn you and your daughter are hot. Also included here: rural bumpkins (not to be confused with blumpkins) and Bush sympathizers.

holidays - Kinda bittersweet here, I love partying with my fam and shit, but I hate holiday cheer, Christmas lights, gifts, fun, egg nog, and caroling. That said, I love spending the night at either of my parent's places, getting tore up with my brother, and reminding them that despite my good looks, hot wife, and huge bankroll, deep down I'm still a fuckup at heart.

wet farts - Yes, wet farts actually suck. They always seem to happen at the most inopportune times. It can really be quite frustrating. At the gym, at the office, while boning, while sleeping, or in the shower. Each of those examples has either happened to me, and/or somebody I personally know. And as kind of an addendum, not being able to shower after taking a dump REALLY sucks. I can't help it, gotta stay clean, and a short, post-dump shower is a necessity.


There you have it, a couple things that suck.

Friday, November 26, 2010

happy black friday!

Don't get trampled!

But if you do, please make sure you have someone to replace your page views. Thanks in advance!








Wednesday, November 24, 2010

HDPU: PATH OF RESISTANCE

Got some good news for allay'all today - it's HUMP DAY, and I'm PUMPED UP because I'm leaving work at noon to drive 8 hours to Wisconsin.

Actually I'm not totally PUMPED UP because I actually like my job, and enjoy coming in and writing shitloads of business, dawg. But like anything, not working always trumps working. So PUMP ON, friends.

And there's not a whole lot that PUMPS a brother UP about facing an 8 hour drive. Well, except for the fact that I'll be driving with Heckyeahwoman, and I'll be PUMPING the following tunes at full volume for the ENTIRE drive.

Now if that doesn't get YOU PUMPED, I don't know what will.

Also, I'm looking forward to hanging out with my family a bunch too. Only bummer is that I don't think I'll be able to find any time to go shopping with my mom lol.

Now this has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, but this little story is full of CRAZY PUMP. I was playing some basketball with my tall friend from Tampa, and yo I was driving to the hoop, outta nowhere got mad ups, and dunked on that dude like what.

Next words outta my mouth: "can't stop the truth".




Picture this: It's your boi, HYM on Thanksgiving day, slowly awakening from a drug & booze-fueled slumber - with the scent of roasting turkey, mashed potatoes, and burning hair. Mmmm mmm, nothing like the smell of a homecooked meal to get me all PUMPED up at 1:00PM in the afternoon.




And yo, if this next song doesn't get you SO PUMPED to eat a raw turkey BEFORE you put it in the fryer, than I don't know what we're gonna do with you.

But on the real, my dad called me last week and told me that he's gonna give me some guns.

Wait, what?

Yeah, he's got some guns he's gonna split up between my brother and I. SUPER BONUS PUMP!

It's funny, my brother and I used to hunt back in the day, for god, probably close to like 10 years. We had shotguns and rifles, and my dad always made sure we had sweet guns to use. Or in my case, rarely use lol.

You know how people have financial advisors and brokers and shit, always moving money around & hustlin'? Well my dad was like our gun broker, always hittin' us with gun upgrades, managing our gun inventory lol, buying low selling high, so that often I wouldn't even know what gun I'd be using, or actually own lol.

I'd ask about the gun I thought I remembered using last, and he'd be like, "sold that one five years ago, you got a _____ now". Sweet lol.

Now he's gonna let my brother and I pick some sweet guns HECK YEAH BONER GUN PUMP I LOVE THANKSGIVING.

Don't like guns? Guns don't kill people, people with mustaches kill people. That, and I hope you die. Now go'on get PUMPED:



BLACK FRIDAY post coming on...Friday. Probably in bad taste too.

Monday, November 22, 2010

sports r awesome

We went to the University of Wisconsin Badgers - University of Michigan Wolverines football game on Saturday. It was pretty sweet. I guess Michigan Stadium is the biggest in the country. I don't know, didn't seem much bigger than The Swamp, despite the 15-20k seat advantage.

Pretty nice stadium.

So here's my thing with attending sporting events: They're fun, but most of the time the hassle of waiting in line, listening to idiot fans, and the super high ticket and refreshment prices makes watching the game at the bar much more appealing.

So we don't go to a lot of games.

Let's go through a little play by play of my documented experiences from Saturday.

It was a noon game, so we slept till like 10, took our dumps n showers, ate breakfast, and walked the mile to the stadium. It was kinda chilly, so before we left, Heckyeahwoman asked me, seriously, "You're going to double up on the socks, right?"

Nah, that ain't me. I graciously provided her a pair of my warm socks though.

And we did bundle up pretty furiously.

The walk wasn't so bad, nothing too crazy happened. Waited in a couple lines, but finally found our seats without incident. And by without incident, I mean I hit the first concession stand I could find and DEMOLISHED a $4 pre-game hotdog.

They have these sweet condiment pumps, so I'm reefing on the goddamn relish pump, and nothing's coming out. I mean, I'm pumping on this goddamn thing, and finally a huge wad of relish shoots out in a clump, all over my hot dog.

At first I was pissed, but then I took a bite and it was really really tasty.

OK, got a little sidetracked, so we're at our seats, and there is some mother sitting right behind us constantly explaining everything that is happening during the game to what was probably a foreign exchange student. That went on the entire game.

Then we noticed that there was some asshole in the stands playing a cowbell. But it wasn't just any cowbell, nah, it was a Wolverine cowbell. And he wasn't just playing it, he was FUCKING PLAYING IT. I've never seen a more SERIOUS look on anybody's face, ever. He played it so furiously that I started to feel bad for him.

I mean he played that cowbell like it's all that he's got. I'm pretty sure his wife took the kids and left because of that goddamn cowbell. What a dick.

Yo, I'm not against wearing a Gator hat, or a Wolverines shirt to a game, but bringing a cowbell would never even cross my mind. I can't imagine the thought process: "Dude I'm going to a college football game on Saturday, it would be sweet if I brought a cowbell".

Where does that even come from?

Finally, about halfway though the first quarter, the vacant seats to my left were finally taken by two (2) rural ass hillbilly retards. The score was 24-0, Wisconsin, at half-time, and these goofballs weren't taking it too well.

At one point, the bigger one yelled, "TAKE THAT YA CHEEZER!", when the Wisconsin quarterback got sacked. Lolz @ that quarterback tossing a TD on the next play. Anyway, this college football game got under his skin so much that he thought it would be a good idea to yell from the 50th row, on the other side of the field, "take that ya cheezer", to the opposing team's quarterback.

I can't imagine ever giving a shit about a game that much.

Also worth noting - him and his buddy were chewing tobacco, and it was gross. So rural.

As luck would have it, I wound up having another encounter with that idiot. Right after the third quarter started, I ran up to get some food. And as I'm making my way up the stairs to the concessions (behind a skinny teenager in a WI jersey), I spy my rural friend coming down the stairs!

Oh noes!

Lol, right as he passes by the kid in the WI jersey, he tells him, "you got some balls wearing that around here". Yes, that's a 35 year old grown semi-man talking shit to a teenager. ROFL, I watched as the kid lightly acknowledged him, shook his head, and kept walking lol.

FYI dude, a thick midwestern accent doesn't ever really come across as tough.

Almost forgot, I heard "fag" and "gay" multiple times from the dudes getting the angriest about the game. Like, I take pride in how much I discriminate against minorities, but even I couldn't imagine uttering those words so they're audible to anyone in public.

We've got a couple more sporting events lined up over the next month or so. Don't worry, you'll be the first ones to get the cr00sh updates. In the meantime, check out this sweet vid:

Friday, November 19, 2010

go ahead, frisk my jenny tulls

Have you been reading the news at all lately? You probably have.

While everybody is FREAKING OUT about the TSA full body scans and "enhanced pat-downs", we're all missing out on the sexy implications here: walking through the full body scanner with a RAGING BONER, or even sexier - the potential for hot chicks to be feelin' on my dong during a pat down...while I have a RAGING BONER.

Either way, boners are involved.

Now here me out hear.

Or, hear me out here.

In the last year or so, I've noticed the number of hot TSA agents increase exponentially. What used to be overweight, husky, sedentary cows are now increasingly good looking slores (that are probably DTF).

You do the math.

I don't know about you, but if you look at all the millions of times I've gotten laid, about 100% of bonings happened when I had a boner. And 95% of the time, hot slores were involved. Except for Heckyeahwoman, she's just hot, not a slore. The other 5%, the hotness was def questionable, while the sloreness wasn't lol.

Real talk: anywhere you go with a boner, including AIRPORT SECURITY LINES, the chances of you puttin' the pipe down go up. Throw hot slores into the mix, and you're golden. Mix in a sexy little pat-down, and there's no place I'd rather be.

"But heck yeah, man inc., what if they have some big, bubba-lookin' motherfucker to pat me down?"

Well if it were me, I'd just opt for the full body scan then.

But if I'm advising you, and I am, I'd say go ahead, take the patdown. I think it'd be hilarious for you (not me) to get a pat-down, RAGING BONER and all, from a big, bubba-lookin' motherfucker. Cause you know that's the last thing in the world he's gonna wanna do - calmly and nonchalantly frisk around some dude's stiffy.

Bottom line, next time you're in the airport, rather than bitching about the bullshit security that you can't do anything about, try to look on the brightside: if you play your cards right, you could be joining the pre-mile high club.

Talking about STICKING IT TO TSA amirite or amirite!?!?!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: WORKPUMP

So check this out: I work with this little guy, nice little dude - kinda weird, but homeboy gets it.

He really gets it.

He's fulla the pump.

Don't believe me? Look at how PUMPED he is when I told him I'm so awesome that even my cats have cats.




















That's right turdfriend, even my cats have cats.

The other day at work I was lurkin' redtube, no it was youjizz, wait no it was pornhub, nah I think it was tube8, musta been eskimotube, pretty sure it was freeones, aaaahhh it was youtube. Yeah, I was browsin' youtube, and came across this badass song to fill your tank fulla PUMPJUICE:





Not pumped up? Well guess what, watch this next vid, and notice the guitar the, uh, the uh FUCKING GUITARIST is playing. What the heck, pussybeats, you think I want you to notice the guitar the drummer is playing?

Well I have that same guitar. But:

1. Mine is a different color, and came with different pickups. Lol I guess it wouldn't technically be the same then.
2. I don't play mine nearly as well.
3. Mine isn't tooooooned nearly as low.

BUT I'M STILL ALL KINDS OF PUMPED UP cause this next song is awesome too:





Shit's so catchy, dawg.

And on a totally unrelated note, I finally came to the conclusion that I'm not a beard guy. Nah, I'm more of a designer stubble kinda dude. So I had to cut NOVEMBEARD A LITTLE SHORT.

By like a week and a half.

And after Heckyeahwoman incessantly complained about it, she didn't even notice that I shaved it off. I figure she must've heard the trimmer buzzing; but who knows, maybe she thought I was just trimmin' up my naughty bits.

Just think, a week from today, you'll probably be on your way to wherever you're going, ready to FURIOUSLY NOM on some turkey. Stay PUMPED the next couple days, do shitloads of drugs this weekend, and suffer through the first couple days of next week, and then before you know it, HUMP DAY PUMP UP PRE TURKEY DAY PUMP UP rears its PUMP-FILLED HEAD and brings you into the looooooooooong weekend.

Monday, November 15, 2010

free ATMs

This little gem has been hiding out at the bottom of my archived unpublished posts for months. Kinda got lost in all the awesome, I guess. Anyway, don't have a lot of time tonight, so I'm just gonna do some quick edits and post this old ass one.

I recently read an article about Democraps in Congress wanting to cap ATM fees at fifty cents. Having paid anywhere from $1.00 to $9.99 myself, and with the national average ATM fee at $3.54, I think we would all probably love to pay less each time we access our money at an ATM.

Aside from the initial giddiness most of would probably feel if this were to become a reality, the effect this would have on a given bank’s profits, what they would do to make up that money, and their revised business plan (a reduction in the number of ATMs), there is one other important question lingering that most people glaze over: who is the government to tell a bank how to run their business?

We must remember that an ATM is essentially a service that a bank offers to its customers. Yes, it might initially sound insane to pay to access your own money, but that’s the cost of having the convenience of doing it at one of the 425,000 ATMs across the country, rather than at your local branch, across town.

Last May, three Democrats proposed capping ATM fees at 50 cents. This was of course ended in the Senate, a week or two later, by Republican'ts, and the looming end of the floor debate.

Since this would be an amendment that many consumers would favor, it can be inferred that Republicans would block it just to remain partisan. Similarly, it could be argued that Democrats proposed it to win favor with consumers in the midst of upcoming November elections nationwide.

Do you think a more appropriate statement from the government would be to advise consumers that if they don’t want to pay ATM fees, they shouldn’t use an ATM - or is it OK for the government to strongarm its way into telling a business how to run its business?

If some asshole bank wants to charge me an arm and a leg to take out a little cash, that's totally their right. After all, I am an adult.

Don't want to pay ATM fees? Think they're too high? DON'T USE THEM THEN, YOU FUCKING PUSSY CRYBABY ASSHOLE; use your bank's ATMs for free.

The other day I drove to the bar, got loaded, got pulled over for drunk driving, got a $1500 ticket, got my license suspended for a year, and I'm pretty pissed off about it. Forget calling my lawyer, I'm calling my senator!

Friday, November 12, 2010

that sucks bro

And now, a short collection of brief stories from my experiences over the past 3 months at my new gym, Planet Fitness in Ypsilanti.

1. Yes, there actually is a place called Ypsilanti. Worse, on my drive to the gym in Ypsilanti, there's a huge sign that says "YPSI ARBOR". That sign, about 2 miles after a different huge sign that reads "ARBOR LAND". Wtf weirdos.

2. Had a small encounter with some wiry little bench-stealing shithead. True story, I saw an empty bench with a couple discarded dumbbell chillin' in the immediate vicinity. Thinkin' maybe some turd was on the bench, I walked up, looked around, waited a minute, and after nothing, I took it. Sure enough, right as I'm ASSUMING THE POSITION TO BENCH A MILLION POUNDS, some ratboy comes up to me like I'm on his bench.

"Oh, were you on this?", I inquire.

"Yeah", he answers timidly.

"Cool, I just got 5 sets, then it's all yours", I let him know.

3. This isn't really specific to my new gym, just something I thought needed to be commented on:

I consider myself a pretty good fart manager. What I mean is, I'm pretty good at controlling the sound and the fury of my flatulence. See at the gym I'm usually listening to my headphones.

But I hate farting with headphones on.
How am I supposed to know if I squeak one out and it's too loud? So I pause the tunes, nonchalantly empty the gas out from my bowels - in between sets of course - and continue on with my lifts.

I've gotten so good that sometimes I don't even notice that I farted until after I'm already surrounded by the ill effects of my humid, gaseous excretion.

Last week I saw some dude sniffin' kinda funny at the next station over, after I dusted him. That sucks bro.

4. There is actually a gym member that has a guido blowout haircut. I'm not even shitting you.


















It looks pretty similar to this goof. Just minding my own business, here comes some shithead with huge sneakers, huge basketball shorts, and a huge cutoff t-shirt, with two of the twiggiest, skinniest little bitch arms sticking out.
All capped with a guido blow out.
After looking him in the eye and smirking, it was back to the SKULLCRUSHERS.
I've been seeing him about once a week, and it never ceases to bring a ROFL, watching him almost dance up to the weights lol.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: HUMPIN N PUMPIN

OK, not really HUMPIN N PUMPIN, but PARTYIN LIKE CRAZY, GODDAMN.

Went to this bar over the weekend and they had whiskey shots...chased by a shot of pickle juice. Easily the best thing I've done recently. It was unbelievably tasty. Even Heckyeahwoman, who hates whiskey (more than she hates me), loved it!

Totally went to the store on Sunday and bought a jar of pickles. They should be all gone by the weekend...or tomorrow - leaving a good half jars worth of pickle juice. SHIT YEAH.

Quick update on last week's HUMP DAY PUMP UP, featuring this video: I got some good news (the video is awesome), and some bad news (it caused me to be defriended on facebook).

Lol it's true, I posted the video on facebook, received an angry comment, and a couple days later noticed I was a friend short on facebook! After some furious sleuthery, I deduced that the upset commenter was the facebook defriender!

That'll teach ya to mock one man's savior with a hilarious youtube parody video link!

On with the PUMP, friends.

Sorry, but we've got another work related PUMP. So check this out: it was like 3:45 and I just got out of a marathon appointment with the founder of the company. Writin' mad business, dog.

Dude I was hungry like woah. Without thinking, I head over to my bag, dig through for a minute, and smile in amazement as my hand emerges with a dark chocolate-mocha protein bar in its grasp.

This is gonna be tasty.

Right as I sit down to enjoy this PROTEIN PACKED PUMP INDUCER, I notice a figure creeping towards me. Oh snap, it's the head honcho. Am I getting fired already?

He bends down, and quietly asks me, "hey do you have another one of those?"

I answer, "shit yeah dawg, cop a snack in my bag, cuz".

I actually answer, "yeah, there's a bunch in my bag over there".

This is the second day in a row I've shared a protein bar with him lol. PUMP: I'm no longer the only weirdo in the office eating protein bars.

FUTURE PUMP: someday, maybe not tomorrow, or next week, I'm going to convert the entire office into protein bar afficionados.

Don't worry, I didn't forget the most important part of HDPU: the PUMPY TUNES!



I went to high school with that dude. While not the typical HDPU fare, shit's catchy, son.

Next week: we're gonna do a special HDPU featuring this little guy I work with. Should be a classic!