Monday, November 30, 2009

thanksgiving wrap up

Hey, I hope everybody had a great holiday! I know I did! I ate a shitload, got tore up, went on some nice bike rides, bought some crap, got my pants hemmed, tailgated furiously, and didn't work.

Wait, I got my pants hemmed!?!?!? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I GOT MY PANTS HEMMED, but we'll get to that.

But first, let's talk about Thanksgiving. Every year, since we moved down here, we'd go to Heckyeahwoman's advisor's house. His wife is a caterer and she always made the most delicious food; and they were always so hospitable and awesome. Well, they moved, and lucky for us, our good friends ***** & **** were nice enough to extend an invite to us. So we celebrated pot-luck style with a bunch of friends from Heckyeahwoman's department.

Sure enough, all the food was awesome. Well except for the bread, whoever brought that really chinsed out and got the shitty stuff. Haha just kidding, ****, the bread was awesome! But back to the goods.

A lot of times when we go to hang out with her fellow graduate students, I tell her I'm going to do something stupid. I don't usually do it, but this one time I told her I was going to punctuate everything I say with "dudebro", the whole night. Well, that time I actually did it, and she was so pissed lol.

So this time I told her I was going to punctuate everything I say with "I'm leaving"; "or I'll leave"; "otherwise I'll leave". That, or some variant of it. Initially she was pissed, but then after going through a couple examples, we both thought it would be pretty funny.

Could you please pass the stuffing? Or I'll leave.
Is there any rum punch left? Otherwise I'll leave.
Hey, good to see you, thanks for having us over! I'm leaving.

I don't know, maybe you had to be there, it was pretty funny, I swear.

OK, so yeah, I got my jeans hemmed. Let me paint a picture for you. No, not in MS Paint, but with words. Right here, in this special holiday blog post.

The day: Black Friday.

The time: about 2 pm.

The weather: A little chilly, but who cares.

I decided to brave the crowds and head out to the mall - not to necessarily shop a lot, but rather to go to the tailor there. You see, I bought a pair of jeans a year ago, and finally decided that they were just too long. lol, long in the pants. Having finally decided to get the alterations done, I found a tailor at the mall.

They were great, they could do it while I farted around at the mall for an hour.

So while I'm trying on the jeans for the lady to measure them, I hear some loudmouth box come in, talking real loud, cursing, and being a twat. This bitch is getting some alterations on some gaudy ass dress sweater thing, and she's pointing out where she wants what done, and how she marked it here and did this there.

You fucking bitch, why didn't you just do it yourself, then?

Then it's time for her to pay.

All I hear is the cashier say she "can't give change for that". Now talking louder than ever before, she announced to the store, and probably most of the mall, that she "ONLY CARRIES HUNDREDS".

As I'm emerging from the changing room, I recognize an opportunity for lols so I ask her, "do you only carry hundreds?"

And without even thinking, she offers ups a confident, "YEAH, I ONLY CARRY HUNDREDS".

There's some douchebag dude just hanging around, and he offers to give her change for her hundy. Of course he let everybody know that he too, "usually only carries hundreds". Dude, you have a shitty chinstrap beard, do you even know what a hundred dollar bill looks like?

You think you only carry hundreds, kid? Well I rock ice, son.

In fact, I don't think either of them know what a hundred dollar bill looks like. The broad had just really ugly, horrible clothes on, and looked like a manly, shitheaded woman. God I hate her.

I wound up going back there an hour later to get my jeans, and they look great! A much more appropriate jeans length, for sure.

On Saturday, we tailgated so furiously that we started partying at like 11 am. That carried on all day, and into the evening. At one point during the tailgate, some asshole (me) started blasting Cannibal Corpse on my boombox. I thought that was a great follow up to my albums from Kelly Clarkson & Maroon 5. This was the 2nd straight week of tailgating, 2nd straight Saturday night of passing out before 10pm lol. I'm getting old.

Speaking of blasting Cannibal Corpse, I blasted 2 mad dukes during the course of the day. It was brutal.

Anyway, I hope everybody had an awesome and safe holiday (though if you didn't have a safe holiday, I can assume that it wouldn't have been awesome either; and you'd probably not able to read this, as you'd most likely be dead or something) and check back tomorrow for "i'm in college". Should be a good'en.

Friday, November 27, 2009

happy black friday!

WE'RE GOING SHOPPING!















I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT THANKSGIVING! CHECK BACK ON MONDAY FOR A THANKSGIVING WRAP-UP!

or some other retarded crap

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: REDEMPTION

Last week's HDPU was largely inspired by my friend's valiant attempt at supplying me with great HUMP DAY PUMP UP material. Because he's awesome, and concerned with getting you PUMPED UP; and I'd only surround myself with friends that want to PUMP PEOPLE UP, he admitted that he dropped the ball, and wanted to make amends.

So he did just that, by sending me a facebook message with the following:

"So since I dropped the HDPU ball this week I want to redeem myself. Now feel free to shoot this down, but if watching Rocky Marciano knock dudes out while Metallica is playing doesn't get you pumped......well there's no way it couldn't."

Not just talking the talk, homeboy is walking the walk; he included a 100% CERTIFIABLY BAD ASS VIDEO:



I don't even like Metallica that much, but I guess my friend does, and that PUMPS ME UP.

IT SHOULD PUMP YOU UP TOO.

It's just like 5 minutes of this dude knocking motherfuckers around like woah.

Thank you, dude who has the same name as me, for hooking us up with this ridiculously awesome HUMP DAY PUMP UP video.

On with the pump friends, you want a little ARGENTINIAN HARDCORE to GET YOU MOVIN'?

Good.



The name of this song couldn't be more appropriate; translated into "the time is now (motherfuckers)", they are obviously referring to the best time for YOU TO GET PUMPED UP. Ok, I added the "motherfuckers" part, sorry.

Here they are again, letting you know that "the family never dies". Kinda cheesy upon first read, but think about it for a second. If "the time is now" to get PUMPED UP, and if your family is PUMPED UP, then yeah, "the family never dies".



Now for the biggest PUMP UP that we'll have for the next couple weeks: I have off on Thursday and Friday, this week.

Read that again.

Yeah, I only have a 3 day week of work this week! HOLY CRAP, MY BOWELS ALMOST MOVED JUST THINKING ABOUT TYPING THAT. True story here, but my bowels are gonna actually move as I type up this sentence about how much food I'm going to eat, with the end result being - yep, my bowels actually moving.

I'm not talking like lumbering, glacial movement either. Nah, that ain't me. I'm talking about violent, projectile bowel movement. Fast, sharp, and with intent to injure, yeah that's how I do it son.

GET PUMPED FOR THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY! Eating, shopping, drinking, familial gathering, trying to stab your friend because he just broke your umbrella, getting loaded at other peoples' houses, man I love the start of the holiday season!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

what is sacrafice?

DUDE I WAS SO PUMPED UP AT THE GYM THE OTHER DAY, THAT I ALMOST DIDN'T CATCH THIS INVOLUNTARY HILARITY, HOLY CRAP, I'M STILL SWEATING.

Ok, you already know I was at the gym. That's a given. In fact, any time you read this blog, you can probably automatically assume that any given blog post probably takes place at either the gym, the office, or in a bathroom somewhere.

Alright, I'm pounding it out on the (s)exercise bike, watching the dude who works the front desk there screw around on the interent, watching youtube videos.

Having my attention divided between the one TV they have on there, and dude's youtube videos, I notice he's now watching some old ass workout video. It's pretty old school, with shots of huge dudes pressing, squatting, and pushing their way to glory.

Spandex, rippling muscles, and grunting are all things that I saw in this sweet video.

Then the insane pumping of iron comes to a screeching HALT.

The screen goes black, and a word comes across the screen. Not just any word. Not "DISCIPLINE", not "STRENGTH", not "TRIAL BY FIRE", and no, not even "EXPLODING BICEPS".

It was a simple, yet bold "SACRAFICE".

Ah yes, "SACRAFICE", the main ingredient for getting ripped. Not training hard, not proper nutrition, not getting enough sleep, not eating 400 times your weight in grams of protein daily, not any of that mythical bullshit. Just, SACRAFICE.

Back to the video, now we're back to probably one of the sweetest video montages I've ever seen.

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!

It's like a nonstop barrage of pictures of just the most jacked men and women at the peak of their PUMP.

Seriously, like a full minute of this, and I'm pedaling so furiously that THIS FUCKING EXERCISE BIKE IS ABOUT TO START ON FIRE. MY QUADS ARE SET TO EXPLODE.

MY CALVES ARE ON FIIIIIIIIRE.

EVEN MY SHOULDERS ARE SWOLLEN AND I'M NOT EVEN USING THEM.

I may or may not have had a boner.

Dude, I wasn't even paying attention to the video, but then all of a sudden my attention is diverted right back to it again. Lucky for me, and us, I looked at just the right time:

The sweet photo montage was just coming to an end as the screen goes black again. This is immediately followed by the posing of a question:

WHAT IS SACRAFICE?

At this point I just lost it, I was so jacked from the mere utterance of that simple question, that my entire body just exploded and I died immediately right there on the exercise bike. It was totally insane.

I know this could have, and maybe should have been a HUMP DAY PUMP UP, but it honestly couldn't wait until Wednesday. So, uh, check us out tomorrow for HUMP DAY PUMP UP: REDEMPTION.

Monday, November 23, 2009

everything is going as expected

Hey, I hope everybody had a great weekend, I know I did. It was a blur; and after going to bed Saturday night, somehow we managed to sleep for 13 hours by the time we woke up Sunday morning.

After Sunday morning comes Sunday afternoon; then comes Sunday evening, then Monday morning. And Monday morning, I go to work, which is where this blog was inspired from.

A week ago we got this new contract entry system. I was pumped, it was supposedly going to streamline how we write our contracts. For those of you not in the business of doing business, these contracts are what we have our customers sign so that we're legally obligated to provide them with our services; and they're legally obligated to pay for said services.

Anyway, our previous contract system was very simple, that included a whole bunch of fields that were filled with auto-fill, and overall it was pretty simple and easy to use. So I was a bit suspicious how they could streamline it, but nevertheless, I was pumped to have it made even easier.

We started a series of webinar training sessions a couple weeks before the official launch-date, and my first impression was, "holy shit", this is the bulkiest piece of shit I've ever seen. Whatever, most things look difficult at first, and just take a little getting used to. I'm not opposed to change (except when it's bullshit "change we can believe in" that isn't really change at all, but rather more of the same). Despite the fact that it easily TRIPLED the time I spend creating contracts, a simple contract was pretty easy to type up and put together.

Not sure if you caught that, but my time spent creating a contract was TRIPLED. I'm in sales, and I'm pretty sure that they would want to make MORE time for SELLING, rather than MORE time spent on PAPERWORK. That's right, somebody thought it was a good idea for me to spend MORE TIME doing PAPERWORK, than SELLING. Also worth noting is that if the contract was a little more complex, and involved any type of deviation at all, it was nothing short of a huge goddamn headache.

Multiple times last week, I literally spent 45 minutes creating one fucking contract. I'm embarrassed. Not for me, but for the dude who proudly created this.

A week after the new system went live, there were a shitload of problems, and not one of the problems stemmed from user error, but from - to put it simply - a new, unfortunate system that is a real piece of shit.

Luckily for us, the brains behind this system sent out an email addressing the numerous issues we've had! What did he have to say? Well other than a whole bunch of bullshit, he said that "everything is going as expected".

His exact words.

Wait, what?

You expected all these issues and problems? You expected to this to be one of the biggest fuck ups, ever? Then why not fix the problems, and launch it at a later date? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? You effectively just sent this aspect of our company back 10-15 years, by creating, and implementing this horrible system.

I don't know, I've only been involved in business for 5 years. But I thought the point of having a business was to make money. You would think that by making your workers' everyday tasks easier, simpler, and able to be completed more efficiently, that as a result - you'd make more money.

Maybe I've been going about this all wrong.

Maybe I'll change the way I do things.

From now on, I'm going to try to find the most arduous, strenuous, and ridiculous way to complete any of my given tasks. And you know what? In order to look like an even bigger dipshit, I'm going to do it all this wearing this costume:

Friday, November 20, 2009

facebook status for the night

I don't even remember what night this was, but I was just sitting around with heckyeahwoman, and all of a sudden, an epic idea popped into my head. I don't know where it came from, or what spurred it, but it came to me like a vision.

Like a vision quest.

For some reason, I felt this urgent need to change my facebook status. After running it by heckyeahwoman, and sadly receiving her looks of disappointment and utter failure, I chose not to act on my impulse.

Instead, I logged right into this here blog, and started a rough draft; because there was no way in hell that I was letting this little flash of genius go to waste.

What did I feel so enthusiastically that my facebook status should be?

"you fat fucks should all be ashamed of yourselves".

Again, not sure where that came from, but it's a sentiment I frequently have. Also, I don't really like to curse in my facebook status. Furthermore, I don't even like updating my facebook status, other than pimping my blog.

I can't stand when people constantly update their statuses with bullshit about their horrible lives.

"just got done with work, can't wait to sit on the couch all night!" Who the fuck wants to sit on the couch all night? Goddamn sonsabitches, that's who. I go to work, hate myself for 8 hours, go work out, get home, shower, and the last thing I want to do is just veg out in front of the TV. FUCK THAT, I want to jam on my guitar and melt goddamn faces. I want to shred that fucking six-string right in my cats face. In fact, sometimes I hook my electronic drum set up to my amp, and after turning that volume all the way up, I'll hold my cat's head right in front of the amp while I mercilessly abuse the double bass.

"my kids this, my kids that" Your KIDS ARE FUCKING UGLY RETARDS, YOU SHITHEAD. Wait, read that again. Lol, your kids are most likely not having intercourse with ugly retards; they ARE ugly retards, and you are still a shithead. This does not include **** & *****, or *** & ********, both of your sons are ridiculously awesome and you get free passes.

This one is dedicated to everybody who has ever been disgusted by someone's facebook status. This goes out to all the true believers. Everybody who has been keeping it real, this one's for you.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

sweet guitar riff

I dabble in music. I dabble very poorly. But not bad enough to not buy a SWEET ELECTRONIC DRUM SET a year and a half ago.

It's awesome.

It make so many awesome sounds.

I also have a couple of badass guitars. Man, those power chords sound hard as hell.

And with those badass guitars, go a couple really dope amps. Those things amplify the shit out of my wailing.

I have some recording equipment, and some microphones and stuff, to capture all this nonstop badassery.

It's not uncommon for me to melt neighbor's faces/annoy the shit out of them with my brutal jamming.

With all that awesome gear, you'd think I'd be in there all the time, just hammering away on something.

Nah, that ain't me.

I don't even need instruments to write the most badass riffs.

Check this little joint out (about 185 bpm):

daaahhh neh neh neh, neh neh neh, neh neh neh JUN JUN JUN JUN deh neh neh deh neh neh

(guitar squeeeeeeaaaalllll)

I would probably go through that a couple times for the intro, or maybe use it as a verse.

What you think? Should I speed it up a little? Or maybe I should slow it down?

Imagine how badass it sounds when it's live and in stereo, blasting your eardrums.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: BY SPECIAL REQUEST

You remember how a couple weeks ago I talked about how if you think you can PUMP all 7 readers UP more than me, to LET ME KNOW?

YOU REMEMBER THAT?

Well I had one taker.

Sending me an email, he suggested we do a HDPU from an awesome band, Buried Alive.

GREAT IDEA. I LOVE BURIED ALIVE. Truly, an awesome band that PUMPS ME WAAAAAAY UP. BUUUUT, I already did a HUMP DAY PUMP UP featuring some of their videos.

They hardly had any decent videos online last time I searched, and it was a pain in the ass to find something that was semi-ok. But I looked again, and scoured the web for this HUMP DAY PUMP UP - so check out this video of Buried Alive doing one of their best songs. Check out how the crowd goes APESHIT!

buried alive - youtube video

WAIT THERE IS NO YOUTUBE BURIED ALIVE VIDEO; BECAUSE WHEN I IMMEDIATELY WROTE MY FRIEND BACK, ORDERING HIM TO SUPPLY ME WITH A COUPLE VIDEOS THAT PUMP HIM UP, SO I COULD POST THEM...

...HE DIDN'T GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY, SO I SAID FUCK IT.

IM SUCH AN ASSHOLE. Sorry man, this HDPU is dedicated to you.

And in case you're not aware, being an asshole PUMPS ME UP.

Let's get on with the PUMP UP, shall we?

Here's a little song by a little band I like to call BANE. Watch as everybody goes APESHIT during the intro. Guaranteed, these assholes are PUMPED UP to be PUMPING UP the entire crowd.



I bet if I would have told you I was going to post a video from the Dillinger Escape Plan, you'd know exactly what video I was going to post. Do you know why that is?

BECAUSE THIS SONG IS AWESOME



Oh sit, now here's the conundrum: I'm posting another video from the Dillinger Escape Plan! What video is this gonna be? I bet you have no idea! Or you could have scrolled down a very little bit to see.



Also, in both those DEP videos, I think the guitarist on the (our) left side of the stage is wearing the same yellow shirt lol.

For any of you romantics out there, here's a bonus pump for that azzzzz: HECKYEAHWOMAN gets back in town today, and I can't wait! SO PUMPED UP!

Oh wait, you got a problem, you think that's a little mushy?

Well you know what's really gonna be mushy, motherfucker? What's gonna be mushy motherfucker is whatever's gonna be left of you after I fill you full of lead, and then take each of the dozens of bullets out of your body myself, then I'm going to beat you to death with my crowbar. After that I'm going to take the business end of the crowbar and pry your fucking head off, then I'm going to get a sledgehammer, and smash your severed head till it's one with the ground.

Not forgetting about your decapitated body, I'm going to douse it in gasoline, and light it on fire, then I'm going to piss all over it before it turns all to ash. Never being satisfied with a half-assed job here, I'm going to go buy a brand new Cadillac Escalade and repeatedly run your body over until it's flatter than a mushed pancake.

Finally, I'm going to scrape all of what's left of you off the ground, drive you out to some farm, put you in a wheelbarrow that was previously just used for hauling manure, and just verbally berate you for hours.

Still think I'm too mushy?

lol

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

maybe more for the 9-5 crowd

I apologize if this post is geared a little more towards the 9-5 crowd, because it does lightly concern my work attire; but it's something that has got to be addressed for my own sanity.

MY OWN SANITY

I don't wear a lot of white clothes. lol omg i hate white people

Maybe I don't wear a lot of white clothes because I don't have a lot of white clothes; and while a necessity, washing them separately is kind of a pain in the ass. Maybe I do a load of whites once every 2 months. That just means that the few times I wear a white article of clothing, it'll sit in my hamper for 8 long-ass weeks.

There's a joke somewhere in there about a load of whites, whatever. On your face, nevermind.

With that said, I have a bunch of white undershirts that I generally would wear under dress shirts for work. One shirt will last maybe 3-4 days before the pit stains show up, and when combined with the natural accumulated veneer of sweat, from wearing it for that long, it gets kind of...uh, gross. I'm talking like 9 hours a day, for almost a week. Shit builds up, bruh.

The point is that my few undershirts, and their lifespan of cleanliness generally doesn't last me long enough before I have to do a load of whites. To put it simply, I run out of white undershirts before I'm ready to do a load of whites.

And no, I'm not wearing dark undershirts, cause what if I wear a white dress shirt? You can totally see that shit underneath. Not cool, I'm a professional.

But here's the rub, every couple months I'd get to the point where It's time to get dressed for work in the morning, and I go to grab a fresh, clean undershirt, and they're all gone.

THEY'RE ALL GONE WHAT THE FUCK.

What the hell am I going to do?

I would almost get into a panic, without an undershirt, and I have no idea why. Like, for some reason, I thought that the undershirt was such an essential piece of my professional attire, that I wouldn't even imagine going to work without one.

Seriously?

Like, just not wearing an undershirt for a couple days honestly never crossed my mind as a viable option. It honestly felt like life and death.

What the hell is wrong with me? Some have called me a fatalist before. I never really believed it until now.

As an aside, please don't get the impression that ur boi is unclean. Far from it, I'm the cleanest, best dressed son of a bitch (not you mom, just a saying) in my entire building. I could go on about my dry cleaning habits, but at this point, I think we may have alienated most of the non-9-5'ers out there.

Rest assured though, non-9-5'ers, tomorrows post is gonna PUMP YOU UP, YOU FUCKING PUSSIES.

Monday, November 16, 2009

doin the lord's work

Just a random idea here, that occurred to me while I was taking a leak at work the other day.

Sometimes I feel like it would be good for me to do nice things for people. Maybe something nice like date an ugly chick, or a morbidly obese broad. Not nice for me, but just like, 'the nice thing to do', or maybe the right thing to do.

Unsightly, ugly-ass, huge chicks probably don't have a lot of awesome things happening in their lives, so dating a handsome, successful man like me would be like the one bright spot in their lives. I'd be real nice to them, and treat them really well.

Even when they're wrong all the time, I'd still be the one who is wrong. Just for them.

We could go on mini-vacations and shit, to public places where they'd be seen in public with me. Goddamn, they'd probably love that.

Could you imagine how excited they'd be to tell their friends, or parents, that they met a really nice guy who really likes them, for them? That they met a great guy who wants more than just some easy action?

I think they'd be really pumped.

I could even have them dump me in brutal way, so they really feel good about themselves. Uh, and so I could be released from this hell. Then I could continue the charade by dating an even more disgusting animal, as a rebound. We could top it off by having me bring said disgusting rebound to a place where I know she'd be, so she'd see it. Don't you think this would make them feel really good about themselves?

Who doesn't want to see their ex wind up with some loser, a couple pegs lower?

It could be like a service, or an intervention, or something. I could be hired by a group of concerned friends or family, for their unfortunate friend. They could arrange a fake, planned meeting, and I could just like hit on her furiously, lay on the charm, and make her feel all awesome.

And isn't that what life is all about, feeling awesome?

I think this would go over great in a college town. It's like internet dating, but with the guiding hand of the chick's loved ones.

I don't really want to bang nasty chicks. At all. I've got a gorgeous fiance, who I'm sure is getting nauseous as I type this.

But still, I'm a pretty nice guy who just wants to help.

Friday, November 13, 2009

i've always wanted to say this

I've always wanted to say this to a broad. Not heckyeahwoman, but a different broad. Nobody in particular. Maybe not even a chick. I just thought it would be cool to start freaking out on someone.

OK, here's the deal. You're a bitch. It's true; you really are.

The sick thing is that you have no idea how much of a bitch you are. You bitch, you complain, you nag, you pout, and you overreact; you're just a bitch. And you don't really think too much of it.

Yeah, I know I'm not perfect. Forget about how jacked and tan I am, forget about my uncontrollable awesomeness - I do have imperfections. Haha, yeah, I didn't believe it at first either. I would even go so far as to say that some people may think I'm an asshole.

But you know what?

I can admit it - I'm an asshole.

I can tell you, I can tell the world. Besides, all the people that think I'm an asshole, they're all assholes themselves. So fuck 'em.

But you.

Yeah you.

You're the worst.

Now that that's out there in the open...how u doin, girl?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

a couple headlines

I was perusing the news the other day, and I came across some totally bullshit headlines. Truth be told, it wasn't actually the other day, it was like over 6 months ago. I was just going through some of my old ass notes, and found this little gem right here. (omg omg political content coming up)

Bill O'Reilly is boycotting Sean Penn's films

Let me get this right: Bill O'Reilly thinks so much of himself, that he is going to announce that he will be boycotting a fellow entertainer's films. I personally wish they both would boycott life. Wow. More like Bill O rly.

















I really hate Bill O'Reilly. He's such a dipshit. And worse, people take him seriously. I guess that would make me a dipshit for taking him seriously enough to hate him.

Whatever, this is my blog, and I'll contradict myself all I want. And then when you point out my my ineffible wrongness, I'll just talk louder than you. That's right motherfuckers.

Panel: Test all teens for depression

She's testing him right now! Are you depressed, buddy? Is your small ween depressing?




















Maybe they should just skip the testing and go right to the heavy medicating.

The Root: Is it OK that Serena posed nude?


You tell me, is it OK that this thing posed nude?




















Jesus Christ that's disgusting. The Root is horrible and racist, and the only reason to read it is for the lols. In fact, I should just copy and paste an article from there for my next blog post lol.

New Formula Raises Poverty Figures

Wait, what happened to the old formula? What was wrong with the previous one? Sounds like somebody's cookin' the numbers! This formula makes poverty worse than the old formula! Let's use this one!
















Change we can believe in! Hope for change!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: FAT PEOPLE EXERCISING!

The other day I was heading home from work, and what do I spy, but a real fat tub of shit...jogging! That's right, this fat fuck was going for a nice little run around town! It was a beautiful afternoon, and he was sweating his ass off.

It was great!




















I was so happy to see him putting forth some effort to get in better shape, and not die from heart disease before he reaches 34, that I got immediately PUMPED UP!

This song was on the stereo on my car, and all of a sudden it was a little bit louder. The PUMP was coming, and it all started with this fat dude gettin' a little exercise!



Holy shit this song is awesome. I wish I were fat so I could PUMP THIS SONG, AND GO FOR A JOG AND GET ALL PUMPED UP.

Then the other day I went to the grocery store, and what do I see on my way home?

Go ahead, take a guess.

Ok, it was a fat chick riding her bike! Fuck yeah!




















Simply seeing this beached whale attempting to get her heart rate up past 3 bpm PUMPED ME UP and almost made her look like this:




















OK, not even close, but it was great to see her trying to get some fresh air, and burn some calories. I don't know why it pumped me up so much, but it did. I got home from the grocery store, unpacked all the food, and I was totally gonna go for a bike ride, but then I decided to have a beer and make some chili.

As much as I hate diversity, I try to look towards many diverse places to get me PUMPED UP. In this trip we call life, you gotta be vigilant; you may never know that your very next PUMP could be just around the corner. As much as I hate being open-minded, you gotta keep an open mind, always being on the lookout for the next PUMP UP fodder.

It could come in the form of an awesome song; and it usually does. But other times, something as simple as a trip to the grocery store has the potential to get you PUMPED.

With that, I just ask you to CHRIS BROWN THE SHIT OUT OF THE REST OF THE WEEK.

Man, that pumped me up.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

he didn't think it was necessary

I don't know about you, but today, well yesterday, something happened, that happens too often. Finally though, I just had enough. I've been putting up with this bullshit for as long as I can remember. Shoot, sometimes I'm even guilty of it, myself.

It's not really something that happens every day, but just often enough to piss me off.

Heading into the bathroom to take a whizz, I notice something afoot.

It appears the urinal has been freshly used.

This is at least the second time in a week I've encountered an unflushed urinal.

There was only one thing I could do, to right this wrong. Looking again at his pee, I did what I know how to do best: I peed so furiously all over his pee.

Take that motherfucker, I'm pissing all over your piss, you pissant.

At that very moment, I began wishing that I had to poop, so that I could shit all over his pee in the urinal right there. I mustered up all the strength from within my bowels, but nothing.

With a slight sense of disappointment, I spit on it. I spit right on his pee.

Then you know what I did next? You wanna fuckin' know what I did next?

I flushed his pee right to hell, that bastard.

Holy crap I was so pissed.

Monday, November 9, 2009

people we hate, volume 1

We had a couple people over the other night, and somehow we started discussing this group of people that we all agreed that we hate. No, not FAT PEOPLE; FAT PEOPLE get a break for today. We were actually discussing a totally different group of people.

A degenerate group of people that I, that we, really despise.

Not being totally sure how I was going to start this one out, I was going to use the line, "YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG". That's kind harsh though. Harsh, but true. Still, I didn't want to be that bold.

Anyway, the people we hate are "world travelers". What exactly is a world traveler? These are people that enjoy traveling, people that "love to travel, man". People that on facebook, list "traveling" as an activity or interest. People that brag about where they've been, around the world. People that take shitty, cheap vacations, just to say they've been there. And then they say they've been there. Then they tell you again.

Then they talk about how awesome it was when they rode a bus to Amsterdam and slept in the gutter for a couple nights.

I'm sure everybody knows somebody like this. Oh, he's a "traveler", he loves to "travel". NO YOU FUCKING RETARDS, YOUR DIPSHIT FRIEND JUST LIKES TO TAKE VACATIONS.

I LIKE TAKING VACATIONS TOO.

WHO DOESN'T LIKE TAKING VACATIONS?

NOBODY! EVERYBODY LIKES TAKING VACATIONS!

And what's so awesome about vacations? For many, its means not being at work. For others, it means just another chance to brag to your dullard friends about the time you were in 3 different time zones at the same time in Europe, all while taking a train through India.

Listen dickheads, let me break it down for you: everybody can travel. Not everybody does. Just because you went to Europe and slept in a bus stop, that doesn't mean that you're cool. Personally, I think you'd be really cool if you slept in a hostel and got brutally murdered, like the movie, you FUCKING PUSSY.



As kind of a sidenote, you know what goes hand in hand with being a world traveler? Being an artsy-fartsy douchebag that likes reading books. I like reading books.

Rather, I used to like reading books...yep, right up until I decided to write this post. Just thinking about "avid readers" really pissed me off. It pissed me off so much that I hate reading now. Man, and I used to enjoy it too.

Friday, November 6, 2009

brain surgeon retards

Lol, I was gonna title this post something with curse words, but then I figured my Dad would be pretty bummed if he logged on and, and saw that.

So I changed it.

Everybody, sorry, I mean "errbody", is talking about universal healthcare. Liberals (read: quasi-progressives) are crying about it, and can't string together a cohesive argument to save their lives. All they do is write shitty articles about the fringe crazies at town-hall meetings. Wow, you wrote a scathing article, in the New York Times, about people that still have sex with their immediate family. Your parents are proud, I'm sure.

Seriously? Is that really what you're doing.

While you're busy looking like a dipshit, you could be out donating money to help pay for some uninsured loser's meds. You could be out picking up another shift at work, and donating the money to a charity. But that would be selfless, and would require you to put in some effort. It's so much easier for you to just read a couple Paul Krugman editorials, and think you know everything.

And pseudo-conservative talking heads? Who really gives shit what they say anyway lol. Die pussies.

Some of you don't know where you stand on this issue. This is where I come in to help you out.

Yeah, I think everybody should have healthcare, but if I'm going to be footing some of the bill, I certainly don't want a bunch of dipshits in charge of it. Forgetting that private industry creates wealth, where the government consumes it, pussies want to use tax dollars, and put the government in charge of fixing health care (lol!).

Let me ask you a question.

Do you know who is in charge of the US POSTAL SERVICE?

Go ahead, take a guess.

THE SAME FUCKING RETARDS THAT CAN'T DO SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS PROPERLY FORWARD MY MAIL

THE SAME FUCKING RETARDS THAT WOULD BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR HEALTH CARE

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME AFFIRMATIVE ACTION JACKSON OPERATING ON YOUR HEART, YOU RETARD.

Then you're going to die from complications (good).

Goddamn, we moved like 2 months ago, and they're still fucking up our mail. We filled the forms out properly, got them out in time, and they still managed to screw up our mail. That's straight incompetence, son. You want those same idiots working on your dad's brain? More likely, they'll probably get promoted to Regional Manager at my job lol.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

ending discrimination leads to more discrimination

First, I would like to seriously acknowledge, and give a shout out to my company for getting something right. It appears this year, one of the new benefits they added, is providing coverage for domestic partnerships.

I'm proud to say I work for a company that provides coverage for those of us in same-sex relationships. By us, I don't mean me, I mean you. Or whoever. Anyway, glad to see they realized it was 2009.

I don't know how the company you work for does their benefits, but like every year or something, we have to re-enroll in our benefit programs. They send out a bunch of mailers, some postcards, a couple emails, and some other bullshit, so we don't forget to sign up.

This year, on one of the postcards I received, I noticed they had some stuff that was new for 2010. One of those things was: domestic partnership benefits now available.

I'm thinking, "FUCK YEAH", domestic partnerships, I can get heckyeahwoman covered under my insurance. Get her some better coverage, and save her a little money. Cause we both know the insurance premiums I pay will come out of my paycheck lol I keep getting hosed.

So I'm getting pumped up like yesterday, ready to sign us both up, and then I see the fine print: same sex domestic partnerships. I don't think heckyeahwoman is a man. And I don't think I'm a woman. Though if she were a man, and I were woman, we'd still be in the same little conundrum, wouldn't we? Indeed we would. Being that we are pretty sure we are not the same sex, these benefits will not apply to us.

I asked if there are benefits for awesome couples who are awesome, engaged, going to be married soon, or generally just kick ass; and of course we were out of luck. My boss asked me if we qualify for common law marriage lol.

Turns out, in an effort to end discrimination, they ceased the discrimination against one particular group, and began the discrimination of another. I really thought about bringing this to HR.

Man, now I know how my boy Kunta Kinte/Toby felt!



Maybe that was in bad taste. Still lols though.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: GUEST PUMP UP

I've been doing these HUMP DAY PUMP UPS for what seems like a goddamn eternity. GODDAMN EONS, man. Every Wednesday, you've been coming to me for your midweek PUMP UP needs.

AND I APPRECIATE THAT. I APPRECIATE IT SO GODDAMN MUCH, THAT I'M GOING TO GIVE SOMETHING BACK.

Do you think you can get all 7 readers MORE PUMPED UP THAN I DO? Any takers, any takers at all, go ahead and put together a HUMP DAY PUMP UP, and email it to heckyeahman@gmail.com. Go ahead, make me look like an asshole, with an awesome HDPU.

Anyway, all this was inspired by my brother shooting me an email about a video that he thought would be good for a HDPU.

Keep in mind, I have no idea what band this is, or what the hell they sound like, and to be honest, my brother is a bit of a wild card when it comes to music. But I trust him. I would trust him juggling my firstborn at the top of a skyscraper, and I would trust him with a HUMP DAY PUMP UP too.

So Brother, today's PUMP UP is on you, bruh.

Today, the first video we bring you is a band called I Set My Friends On Fire, with a cover of SouljaBoi's "Crank That". Yes, the band is called I Set My Friends On Fire. I think this band chose that name just so they could make t-shirts.



Ok, I don't know if that is the worst, or the best thing that I've ever heard. But whether or not that song GOT YOU SO PUMPED ABOUT TODAY, I guarantee the email my brother sent me about it will PUSH YOUR PUMP LEVELS OVER THE TOP:

"Maybe a good hump day pump up post? it sure as fuck got me pumped.....and then, *** (his girlfriend), and the cats....in fact, it got Milo (one of the cats) so pumped he accidentally got thrown against the wall."

OTHER PEOPLES' CATS GETTING THROWN AGAINST THE WALL PUMPS ME UP. It's funny, my brother is on facebook SEEING MY BROTHER ACTUALLY ON FACEBOOK PUMPED ME UP SO MUCH WHEN I RECEIVED THE FRIEND REQUEST. And the only time he updates his facebook is when he writes something about terrorizing his cats.

You don't believe me? Here, get pumped up from my brother's facebook status updates:

heckyeahbrother is so MAD about the phys test that Milo accidentally got rocketed off the BALCONY!!!

Love how he capitalized balco-PUMP UP!!!. You know this isn't just some shitty little porch, this is like the balcony on the 63rd floor penthouse suite, motherfuckers.

heckyeahbrother is gonna teach Milo that even if you lick it off your paws in a distinguished manner, toilet water is NOT a proper beverage for a gentleman. INSTANT THIRST QUENCHING PUMP!!!!

heckyeahbrother is gonna give Milo a REAL reason to hide under the bed. SHOWING YOUR CAT WHO'S THE BOSS PUMP UP!!!

For some reason, he only seems to single out Milo, and not the other cat. FAVORTISM IS A FORM OF DISCRIMINATION PUMP ME UP!!!!

With HUMP DAY comes a PUMP UP. With a PUMP UP comes the last half of the week. All together, let's terrorize one of our cats much the same way we're gonna terrorize the rest of this week. That may include dunking it in the terlet, or maybe just shooting a soft air gun at it. Just do what you gotta do, my brother would have wanted it that way. RIP Brother.

Ok, and just because I wanted to put this awesome song in there, here you go, get PUMPED:



my brother's not really dead PUMP UP!!!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

is this a dream?

Do you remember when you were a kid? Do you remember wetting your bed?

For me, I do it when I'm sleeping, and dreaming of peeing. I never had the dreaming of a stream, river, or water flowing from something; it was always just like, I would be subconsciously uncomfortable cause I gotta pee. Tossing and turning, grabbing onto my junk, all in bed, just fightin' the urge to whizz myself.

Then I'd wake up to a warm spot growing in my groin, or down my leg.

I can feel it right now.

That initial feeling of WHAT THE FUCK, holy shit this feels good, my mom is ashamed of me, and I think I'm peeing myself, all provide a massive shock to my system. It's like, my heart skips a beat, and I'm suddenly warmer and wetter down below.

But that split second before you realize what is going on, is possibly the best feeling in the world. Think about it, I love peeing. I love pooping too, but that's a different story for a different time. I love laying in bed. Why not combine the two?

Peeing while laying in bed.

Oh man I love big ass titties too. Sometimes I could go for an ice cold root beer, too. Just sayin', you know.

The other day I was at the bar, admittedly a little intoxicated, when I found myself urinating all over the urinal. All of a sudden, in a drunken moment, it hit me: what if I'm pissing myself right now.

It's just that this urination feels so good; oh my god it feels so good to relieve myself. I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. It's almost as if it's too good to be true.

I literally pinch myself, at the urinal, while some other dude looks over at me, like 'what the hell is this asshole pinching himself for?'

Quit lookin' at my pecker dude, I thought I was pissin' myself.

I don't really know why I shared this intimate thought.

Actually, I was at the bar like 3 nights in a row a while back, and each night, this exact thought occurred to me while I was leakin'. I would be standing there, peeing, wondering if I'm pissing myself, and thinking about how I need to remember this for a blog.

I've never been so drunk where I've pissed myself, but I have been so drunk that I spontaneously projectile vomtED ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE. I'm sorry again, heckyeahwoman. Also, I have been so loaded that I spontaneously projectile shitted all over a toilet stall in a bar. Jesus that was a mess.

I don't know if you want the details on that or anything, but it was a bloodbath. I hate pooping at the bar. But when the bowels are movin' it's hard to stop 'em.

Sorry if the last couple paragraphs or sentences were awkward, or TMI. Come back tomorrow for your mid-week HUMP DAY PUMP UP (I got something special planned).

Monday, November 2, 2009

the ice cream has been recalled

After the horrible day last Saturday with my car, I needed a little pick me up.

I needed some ice cream. And I needed bubble gum flavored ice cream. I don't know, but I love that stuff. Really, bubblegum flavored anything. Except for gum, I don't really care for the gum too much.

My first problem was that I was shopping at the Winn Dixie. Not the classiest grocery store in the world. Look below to see where I do my grocery shopping. Jesus Christ, look. But read the next two paragraphs first, then look, thanks.

My main man, *****, flew in to visit me over Memorial Day this past year, and I picked him up from the airport, right after I left the office. We needed to get some MEAT and some booze, so I took him to the Winn.

You shoulda seen the look on his face when we pulled up. Then you shoulda seen the look on his face when we got inside the store. Holy shit he was pissed/disappointed/almost in tears. It's like, we haven't even been to my apartment yet (lol), and I take him here. What a shitty way top start his vacation in the Sunshine State. Sorry friend! Whatever, we wound up having an awesome, epic time.














But seriously, c'mon, it's not that bad, right!?!?

Whatevs, I needed some ice cream, and I needed it 5 minutes ago. Luckily I stumbled upon this:










Yeah, Winn Dixie Prestige brand ice cream. Not the Fishin' for Chocolate flavor, not even bubblegum flavored, but the Peanut Butter Cup instead. And it was really good.

Wait, what?

Did I just see "Winn Dixie" and "prestige", together? In the same sentence?

That can't be right.

Oddly enough, in searching for a a decent pic of the Prestige Ice Cream, I came across a bunch of articles about how the vanilla flavor won a bunch of taste tests. Wasn't expecting that! On the other hand, I read that one of the chocolate flavors was recalled.

THE ICE CREAM HAS BEEN RECALLED.

I would have recalled it just because it came from Winn Dixie, but apparently that wasn't the case. Apparently, there was SOMETHING ELSE wrong with it. I don't know what that something else is, but for it to be WORSE than the fact that it's WINN DIXIE brand anything, it must be pretty bad. And that really pisses me off.

So to sum everything up, I'm sitting here eating peanut butter cup Winn Dixie-brand ice cream, and enjoying it, while hating myself even more after every delicious bite. Adding insult to injury, it's called "Prestige". Holy shit that pisses me off.