Friday, May 29, 2009

i just won 5 dollars

So check this out, me and meatman (my friend that came to visit - more on this later), were cold chillin at the bar on fuckin' Friday night, and the Cavs-Magic game was on. The bar was pretty packed for the game. It seemed like pretty much errybody there was cheering for the Magic. Makes sense cause they are from FLORIDA - THE BEST GODDAMN STATE EVER HOLY SHIT I LOVE LIVING HERE.

But anyway, yeah, they were cheering for the Magic, and me and meatman were straight cheerin' for Bron-Bron and the Cavs. C'mon, how can you not like my boy Lebron? He's tall, dark, and handsome.

Ok, so the game is mad close, and that Turkoglu dude on the Magic nails a 3 with like 2 seconds left, and it put the Magic up by like 2 points. The bar fucking erupts with cheers.

Me and meatman are pissed.

But wait, there's one Magic fan that isn't flipping their shit because their team has a 2 point lead with like a second left. No, some ratty, hippy looking dude manages to utter a half-enthusiastic, yet feeble, "I just won 5 dollars".

WHAT!?!?!?!?!

YOU'RE TEAM JUST ALL BUT SEALED A SWEET SWEET VICTORY, AND ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IS HOW YOU WON SOME SHITTY BET THAT A 5 YEAR OLD WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE?

Oh shit, now the Cavs get the ball, and you know they're gonna feed it to Lebron.

And feed the rock they did.

They ended up giving the ball to LeBron, and he nails an ugly-ass 3 pointer.



The crowd at the bar is silenced when he sinks that shit. Well they were silenced until we started screaming in their faces. Like, right in their FUCKING FACES.

And the dude that just won 5 dollars? Yeah, I stuck my finger right in his face, and forcibly told him, "THE CAVS ARE NUMBER ONE MOTHERFUCKER".

I'm not even really a Cavs fan.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

i was watching the brewer game

Yeah, I'm a Brewer fan. Living in Florida, we don't get a whole lot of Brewer games, so I was pretty pumped to see they were gonna be on TV the other night. Turns out, they were playing the Cardinals. The Brewers and Cards are in first and second place in their division, respectively...that always makes for a fun game.

Well fun when the Brewers don't lose to the stupid Cardinals.

When the Cardinal's shortstop, Khalil Green, comes up to bat, the announcers start going on about how he had a great season a couple years ago, and was looking to rebound with his new team here. Mentioning how he suffers from anxiety (lol), they said he is really hard on himself (lol, again).

So for some reason, when the Brewers were batting, the announcers just start talking about this guy again. I have no idea why. And right then, a Brewer hits a groundball right to him, and of course he duffs it. Haha, what a fucking chump.

I bet he went home and cried himself to sleep over it. lol

I don't know much about anxiety, cause I'm the fuckin' man, but I have a feeling that if I were a major league baseball player, crying about anxiety would be the last thing on my mind. How bummed could you be about making a shitload of money to play a goddamn game?

WHAT THE FUCK, YOU FUCKING PUSSY? YOU'RE A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER.

FUCK YOU

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

HUMP DAY PUMP UP

The other day, something occurred to me. I was thinking, and I just realized that when I put on "The Age of Quarrel", I get really fuckin pumped up.

I don't know why I don't listen to this album more. Anyway, I want you to enjoy this as much as I do.



I know there isn't much funny today, but to be honest, it was a brutal weekend. I had my main man fly in, and we hit it REALLY hard from Thurs through Monday night. I'm not sure how my body is still functioning. Between the meat, the drinking, the eating, the fun, and the insanity, I have no idea how I survived.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. We managed to write a song. So far it's called, "The Meatiest" - and it'll be posted in the coming days.

This song will more than make up for any shitty blogs this week. However, please note that you may need to listen to the song with earmuffs on, as there are some "mature" lyrics, that may not be suitable for kids.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

got a haircut a couple weeks ago

My hair was getting kind of long. Well, long by my standards. So I did what most people do when they need a haircut - I went and got a haircut.

It was pretty much a normal haircut, not much different than any other haircut I've had. I did note a few things though:

1. I use less shampoo now.

2. It was a $12 haircut, and it shows.

3. I only get a haircut if I have a coupon. Luckily, I had a coupon. So I got a haircut.

4. The haircutter-lady confirmed that I do NOT have dandruff.

5. She also confirmed that I do NOT have a bald spot on the back of my head.

6. The chick that cut my hair was really hot. Well, hot by haircutter-lady standards.


I hope everybody had a fun Memorial Day weekend - I know I did. Pics, blogs, and songs will be posted this week. Or next. Or the week after.

Friday, May 22, 2009

my gym > your gym

Most gyms have a bunch of big-ass flat screen TVs. Mine doesn't. You got people watching channels like MTV or VH1, with shows like Rock of Love, Grey's Anatomy, and other lame-ass shows.

It used to be, I'd go to the gym and fire up my mp3 player. Well, in fact, I actually still do. But a couple months ago, the gym got a TV. A sweet flat screen TV.

Man, nothing pumps me up while I'm killing myself on the treadmill, like The George Lopez Show reruns. Man, that wife and daughter are so goddamn hot.

The first day they got the TV, I was there. It was awesome. They plugged it in, the owner fudged around with it for a minute, and all of a sudden, PLATOON was on TV. I was at the gym, working out, watching PLATOON.

FUCK YEAH.

Naturally, we talked about what other awesome movies should be shown, non-stop. My suggestions were: that last Rambo movie, Full Metal Jacket, and Freddy Got Fingered. All badass movies.

So yeah, that's been pretty sweet. But the other day, 2 dudes were arguing over what to watch. One pudwhacker wanted to watch Star Trek, lol. The other schmuck wanted to watch golf. Are you kidding?

Golf?

Star Trek?

At the gym?

And I thought I was bad for watching The George Lopez Show.

Oh yeah, lol


Thursday, May 21, 2009

i got fed up

As some of you may know, we have two (2) ferrets: one (1) chubby albino girl named Seven, and one (1) skinny little balding girl named Scab.

This is Seven, just sleepin', man.














Here's Scab, sayin', "what's up".













Seven has a habit of eating her bedding. Like, she'll just lay there, and gnaw on it. Sometimes I can even see some of the fabric in her bowel movements. I get it, the girls are naughty. That's what they do, they do naughty things. Like pooping outside of the litter box, or peeing on the carpet.

One day, I'd had enough. So I sat Seven down, and explicitly told her not to eat her bedding. I sat her down, and told her that if she eats her bedding anymore, she was going to have to find a new home. She seemed to listen, and take what I said to heart. I really believed her when she told me that she was sorry for what she did. Her promise of behaving better truly sounded sincere.

Unfortunately, we weren't on the same page, because later that night, there she was, chewin' like crazy on her new sleeping bag.

Sure enough, I threw her out. It was tough, but it had to be done. Turns out, she didn't have any problem finding a new home.














Looking at the way things turned out, maybe I was the one that should have been thrown out.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

HUMP DAY PUMP UP

BIG NEWS TODAY - WE HAVE A SPECIAL HUMP DAY PUMP. I HAVE A FRIEND COMING INTO TOWN TOMORROW, AND NOT JUST ANY FRIEND. NAH, THIS IS MY MAIN MAN. (check out his blog)

MAN, WE USED TO HANG OUT IN COLLEGE ALL THE TIME, AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN LIKE 5 YEARS. SOME OF THE BEST TIMES I'VE EVER HAD WERE DOING STUPID STUFF WITH THIS DUDE. HE'S FLYING INTO GAINESVILLE TOMORROW, AND SINCE I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN SO LONG, I HOPE I RECOGNIZE HIM. I MEAN, WHAT IF HE FLIES IN AND WE'RE BOTH AT THE AIRPORT THERE, LOOKING FOR EACH OTHER, AND WE TOTALLY DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER? WHAT IF HE WALKS RIGHT BY ME WITHOUT ME EVEN NOTICING?

WE COULD PLAN TO WEAR LIKE A CERTAIN T-SHIRT OR SOMETHING, SO WE COULD RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER THAT WAY. BUT WHAT IF WE FORGET? THEN WE'RE BACK TO SQUARE ONE.

WHATEVER, WE'RE BOTH SURROUNDED BY AN AURA OF AWESOME, AND WE CAN SMELL EACH OTHER'S AWESOME FROM A MILE AWAY. I'M NOT WORRIED.

WELL, IN ORDER TO GIVE HIM THE APPROPRIATE WELCOME HE DESERVES, THESE VIDEOS NEED TO BE WATCHED.

HOLY SHIT, THAT'S ALL IN CAPS. I GUESS I MUST BE PRETTY PUMPED UP ALREADY, LOL.

Definitely one of our favorite jams, right here.



Another awesome song.



I love this song, and at about 1:35, get ready to get PUMPED. Sorry about the horrible video haha.




So c'mon, join us in enjoying some good ass tunes, and let Saves the Day take you home.

PS-You probably noted above that he has a blog too. So check back on the regular, because I have a feeling we'll be teaming up for super-deluxe dual blog posts.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

my experience with domestic abuse shelters

Like I mentioned yesterday, I have some experience with domestic abuse shelters. And I don't mean like putting chicks in 'em.

In college, I actually volunteered at one. It was awesome. Chicks at the bar were so impressed when I told them, "Yeah, I can't party too hard tonight cause I have to get up early to volunteer at the domestic abuse shelter".

And then when they wind up back at your place, it was so easy to kick those skanks outta your bed the next morning, "Listen baby, I have to get over to the shelter right quick, do you mind GETTIN' THE FUCK OUT, TRICK?"

Goddamn, that awesome.

But seriously, I had to do it for some community service part of my degree.

So I signed up, and the first day, I get there at like 7:30, or something retarded. Wow, that was hard as hell - definitely not a morning person. The shelter was actually located at some big old house. It was really huge inside. Since I'm not really qualified to counsel anybody, lol, I wound up doing mostly like maintenance type things, picking donations up, and running errands.

The first day, they had me picking up all the toys in the backyard, and organizing the shed that was supposed to contain those toys. That wasn't too bad. Then I had to rake the entire backyard. That sucked. But before I could finish, I had to crap.

Really bad.

The worst part was probably not knowing where the bathroom was, and having to sheepishly ask one of the other ladies there, where it is. Great, now she knows I'm going into the bathroom. And when I don't emerge after a couple minutes, she'll know what I'm doing. I must have been in there for like 20 minutes. Just blastin' away.

So I'm still in there, doing my thing, and I hear the director calling my name. He must have looked for me outside, not seen me, and got all confused. I hear him ask one of the ladies there, and she politely tells him that I, "have been in the bathroom". This is just fucking great, now the entire shelter knows that I'm blowin' up their terlet.

It's like, these ladies go there to escape the abuse, and then I start coming around, and show them an entirely different type of abuse. I'm sorry, everybody.

No but for real, I saw some crazy stuff there, and I worked my ass off.

Monday, May 18, 2009

saturday

Saturday: one of my favorite days of the week. Sleepin' in, hangin' out, nom-nom-nomin' on tasty treats, gettin' outside; so many awesome things to do on Saturday - the possibilities are endless.

This past Saturday started pretty early for me, I had to get up early and hit the bench press competition at my gym. Well, not my gym, not like I own it. I mean, when I'm there, I act like I own the place. Anyway, yeah, they had a bench press competition for charity. It was for a local domestic abuse shelter (more on my experiences with domestic abuse shelters, tomorrow).

Unfortunately, there wasn't a very big turn-out, but there were medals and trophies to be won.

With that being said, you'd think that being in a charitable environment like that, everyone would be pumped up, and in a good mood.

Not the case.

So this dude from Russia ended up lifting the most weight, but he also weighed the most. He moved like 1.2 something times his body weight. Not bad, cause he pushed over 400 lbs. Meanwhile this 140 pound teenager moved like 2.4 something times his body weight.

No shit, this dude bench pressed like 2 of me. Appropriately, he got a big ass trophy for being such a bad ass. The Russian dude only got like a medal.

After the thing was over, the Russian dude walks by and mumbles something about how, "thees geem soocks", in his thick accent.

I'm standing there talking to a couple people when this happens, one of them being the owners' son.

The conversation is as follows:

Russian Weirdo (RW): Thees geem soocks.

Me (M): lol, ur dumb.

Owner's Son (OS): What?

RW: Thees geem sooocks.

OS: What do you mean?

RW: I leeft the most weeet und all I geet eez thees stupeed mehtool.

OS: Well, what did you want, a cash prize? This was for charity, man.

RW: (now knowing that he's an asshole) Eet's sucks, I leeft the most weet.

OS: Sorry man, maybe next time.

Then the dude storms out, shaking his head, all butthurt about everything. Dude, you just lifted over 400 lbs, and you're going to cry about not getting a trophy?

Honestly, if I were him, I'd probably be crying about having the face of a deformed mongoloid, with the temperament of a 2 year old girl. But hey, that's just me.

Yeah, so after the thing was totally over, I went back to my friend's house to play some ping-pong. We wound up playing 4 games, and this motherfucker* beat me every goddamn game. I tried to be cool, cause you know, I was at somebody else's house, but I WAS FUCKING PISSED.

The first game he smoked me. The second, third, and fourth games were all a lot closer. But I still lost, and holy shit was I pissed.

More stuff happened on Saturday, but this thing is pretty long already, and I'm not sure how much you really want to read about me taking a nap, eating dinner, or dropping a harsh ass steamer.

*He's not really a motherfucker.

Friday, May 15, 2009

yardwork

It was 8:30 in the morning, and I was at work, getting some tea in the kitchen. I happened upon a conversation already in progress, between a couple people talking about the various yard work-type activities they were going to have to do over the weekend. From where I was standing, I swear I detected a distinct, yet familiar, tone in their voices. A tone that screamed, "crybaby".

Bummer, you'll be doing yardwork all weekend. I'll be at the beach sipping drinks with the little umbrella thing in 'em.

Bummer, you own like 6 acres. I rent 900 square feet, and it's awesome.

Bummer, you paid money for that land. I pay cheap-ass rent in the ghetto.

Bummer, you had no idea you were going to have to take care of all that yard when you bought it. I don't ha-WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? THAT THE GRASS WOULD CUT ITSELF? THAT THE HEDGES WOULD TRIM THEMSELVES? THAT THE GARDEN WOULD WATER ITSELF? THAT THE SHRUBS WOULD PLANT THEMSELVES? THAT THE LEAVES WOULD RAKE THEMSELVES? DID YOU THINK THE WEEDS WOULD WHACK THEMSELVES? DID YOU THINK YOUR PUD WOULD PLAY WITH ITSELF?

Here's my solution: cry about it a little more, then die.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

HUMP DAY PUMP UP

Eh yo eh yo, today is the season finale for Lost! What better way to get pumped up today, than with a sweet vid of

BLACK FLAG

the PUMP UP starts at about 0:37.



Yo, I ain't mad at this joint either.



Goddamn, these tunes get me PUMPED UP.

From my PUMPED UP family to yours, Happy HUMP DAY PUMP UP.

Tomorrow, we're goin' INTERNATIONAL!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

so we went to the beach

...and I got FUCKING SUNBURNT.

Check this spit out.

We went to Jacksonville Beach a couple weeks ago, and it was a beautiful day. Beautiful, like 80 degrees, no clouds, and ocean water that was cold as shit. It was awesome.

I love the beach.

If I ever grow up, I'm gonna live on the beach.

Anyway, we caked ourselves with sunscreen, set up our little beach umbrella, and busted out our sweet beach chairs. Heckyeah-woman started reading some school stuff, and I was jammin the new Agoraphobic Nosebleed on my IPOD TOUCH, FUCK YEAH. Playin' some solitaire on my FUCKIN IPOD TOUCH at the beach, HECK YEAH, MAN.

Like, I covered pretty much my entire body with sunscreen, and I was good. Unfortunately, I totally missed the tops of my feet, and my lower ankles. That shit got buurrrrrrrrnt. Like so burnt. Like almost blistering. Like peeling for the next 2 weeks.

For a couple days there, I thought I was gonna need new feet 'n ankles. New fancles.

Kinda like cankles, but fancles. Sorry, that wasn't funny.

None of the pictures of the 3rd degree burns on my lower extremities really do me justice. Soooo, I took it upon myself to interpret the burns through 100% pure artistic expression.















Seriously, it was peeling so hard for at least 10 days. It's still peeling as I type this.

Lol.

Monday, May 11, 2009

weekend wrap-up

Got done with work on Friday, and was out of the office not a second past 5 o'clock. It felt good; just wrapped up a brutal week, and the only way to unwind was to hit happy hour. And hit happy hour we did. I started that shit off right, with a couple Jim Beams on the rocks yo. Soon we were joined by some friends, and we was finna get our grub on, so we went and got some food.

Went to the restaurant, had some more drinks, and of course the topic of politics comes up. You know how talking about politics while drinking goes - sometimes it can get ugly. Luckily, I ended the discussion pretty quickly by yelling, "I'm surrounded by a bunch of liberal pussies!".

What?

Well, I was.

After that, things went back to normal, and we went back to calling each other gay. Not much else crazy happened that night. Oh lol, when I was walking back to my car, s0me bitch all dressed up to go out comes up to me and tells me that she, "OMG totally loves my mustache". She had been drinking already. Probably heavily.

It's funny, because I had noted earlier how my ruggedly handsome face was ruined by a horrible mustache.

Saturday, just ran some errands, bought Heckyeah-woman a bike, and had a tasty ass dinner. We just wanted to stay in, so we watched a movie, 27 Dresses. Eh, it was alright. There were some surprisingly lolworthy lines though. It was still early, so we decided to watch another movie. It ended up being this movie called Flood.

I thought it was just gonna be one of those shitty hour-and-a-half, crappy special effects, Sci-Fi channel, made for TV movies. Well, I was mostly right. The sleeve of the dvd said it was going to be 1:47. When we got to the 2 hour mark, we were kind of surprised. By now it's like 2:30 am, and we're tired, so we went to bed thinking that we'll just watch the rest tomorrow.

OK now it's Sunday morning, and we're ready to eat some lunch and finish up this damn movie. Heckyeah-woman presses 'play', and we're good. Holy crap, we're now at the 2:30 mark, and I got errands to run. It seems like this movie has at least another half hour to go. I guess we'll finish it later.

As of right now, this movie is over two and a half hours long, and we still have who-knows-how-much-longer, left. Usually when a movie is over 2 hours, there's some sort of Oscar-buzz about it. It hasn't even seen a theatrical release, and the acting is horrible.

I can't think of any reason why this movie is more than 90 minutes. Here check this out:

Characters get introduced/foreshadowing of flood (20 mins)
FUCKIN FLOOD!!! (15 mins)
Aftermath of flood/characters trying to survive (40 mins)
TITTIES!!! (5 mins)
Happy ending (10 mins)

I don't know, but I feel like when a shitty movie is really long, that it's kind of like an insult to the audience. Like, "how long can I have you watch this grueling shitfest"? Obviously the filmmaker is a shithead-retard, for creating such a stupid movie, but I still feel like he got one over on me.

I'll keep you updated on what happens with this movie. I hope everyone had a great weekend. Well, except for you, I hope yours was shitty (no, not you, you).

Friday, May 8, 2009

beating your wife

While was browsing msn.com the other day, I came across some more bullshit news on the Chris Brown-Rhianna thing. Some feminazi wrote an open letter to Rhianna. I was in the mood for a good chuckle, so I clicked, and read. As this retard author recounted her own abusive relationship, I had no way of knowing that I would stumble upon this little gem:

"Then, on our island honeymoon, he attacked me twice while I was driving the rental car. I had gotten lost looking for a barn where we were supposed to ride horses; his reaction was to punch me so viciously that my head hit the side window. A few days later he threw the cold remains of a Big Mac at me while I drove on the highway. At first I excused each attack. He was stressed, I told myself. But eventually the abuse became routine. He pushed me down the stairs, poured coffee grounds on my head and once pulled the keys out of the ignition as I went careening down the highway at 55 miles per hour."

Ok, let's go over what we just read, abuse by abuse:

1. "I had gotten lost looking for a barn where we were supposed to ride horses; his reaction was to punch me so viciously that my head hit the side window."

OK, this sucks, I can't ever really condone punching broads...but maybe the author of this letter missed the part where she NAGGED THE SHIT out of this poor guy. Maybe she left out the part where she was screwing a different guy every night, behind his back. Maybe she forgot about how she did get them lost. While I've never been on a honeymoon, aren't they supposed to be just like nonstop boning, and going to the beach? And this shorty's tryin' to go ride horses.

and this...

2. "A few days later he threw the cold remains of a Big Mac at me while I drove on the highway."

Wait, what? You call that abuse? I call that true love. I hope I never reach a point in my life where I get the urge to throw the half-eaten remains of a cold Big Mac at the woman I love. I hope I never reach a point in my life where I'd be foolish enough not to eat the whole goddamn Big Mac.

oh god, don't forget...

3. "He pushed me down the stairs, poured coffee grounds on my head..."

Yo, we're not gonna endorse pushing some broad down the stairs, but holy lol @ the part where he pours coffee grounds on her head. I bet that really showed her. Heckyeah-woman, if you're reading this, if you don't shape up, I'm gonna get me some ground up coffee beans - french roast, the kind you like, and really ground them up. Then I'm gonna pour them all over your pretty little head. That'll show u, gurl.

Everybody have a great weekend!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

the "you suck" award

I've been doing this blog since sometime in June 08. Since then, I have made countless blog posts, close to one a day, excluding most weekends.

Countless F-bombs have been dropped, along with innumerable GD's, and an insanely awesome amount of other sweet curse words.

After 27+ years on this Earth, I can't help but notice how many ridiculous donghuffers populate it. As a culmination of this constant donghuffery that has been witnessed year after year, I present to you:

The first ever heck yeah, man YOU SUCK award! This will be a continuing thing, to be awarded as I see fit.

With out further ado: I'd like to send a big YOU SUCK out to.....

OPRAH WINFREY

















That's right, Oprah sucks. I can't stand this twat. From her ridiculous trials and tribulations with her weight, to her unbelievably lame show - there are a bunch of reasons I think she sucks. I could go on, but I think that picture pretty much sums it up.

Oprah, you're fat, and you suck.

Everybody, please join me in hating Oprah Winfrey.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

a little help from my friends

HUMP DAY PUMP UP GET PUMPED UP TODAY.

My good friend had a suggestion for a great vid for an upcoming HDPU. He ran this by me last week, and you know what?

I concurred.

Like, concurred REALLY FRIKKEN BAD.



But honestly, try to look past that retarded hat the singer is wearing. It's hard to get PUMPED UP when the dude yelling at you to get all PUMPED UP is wearing such an awful hat.

To make up for homeboy's silly hat in the last vid, here's a great vid to get you PUMPED - 100% GAY HAT FREE!



Today is Wednesday. Let's treat the rest of the week like a very unsightly hat. Furiously rip that hat off your head, and stomp the shit out of it.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

poopfest

Damn, this was years ago. Like, maybe 10 years. My mom used to have a class on Monday nights, so my brother and I would usually just sit around and drink. Maybe one of our girlfriends would come over every once in a while.

But usually not.

Man, those were the days.

Whatever, one day my brother and I wanted to do something epic, for one of these Monday nights.

Something really epic.

Channeling all of our brainpower, we came up with POOPFEST. Heck yeah, we were gonna have a poop-themed party. We joked about having everybody crap in the toilet, and then not flush it until seconds before my mom walked in the door. Well, we half-joked.

We were half-serious.

So we picked a date, and told all of our friends about this party. We pumped it up pretty well, way more than any HUMP DAY PUMP UP could pump it up. Ok, that's not true, but we tried. A lot of people RSVP'd and said they'd show up. It was going great.

Before long, the night arrived. Yes, POOPFEST was here.

I don't even remember what time it was supposed to start, but my brother had already started in on the whiskey. Me, I kicked it off with some Mickey's.

By now it's like 7:00, and nobody is here. What the fuck. It's still just my brother and I.

Drinking.

Alone.

We get on the horn, and nobody's around. Another hour passes. My mom's gonna be home soon. Fuck it, if nobody's gonna come over, I'm gonna quit drinking. I'd rather save my booze for some chicks I could be scamming on in the future.

Sure enough, my mom gets home, and it's just my brother and I, hanging out - just as sober as when we started.

There were no dumps taken. No dukes blasted. No punished porcelain.

And you know, we never really did figure out why nobody made it over. Maybe we should call Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries.

Monday, May 4, 2009

weekend wrap-up

Wow, this weekend went so fast; I can't believe it's already over. Lucky for me, I crammed as much awesome into it as I can. Let's check out the highlights.

Friday - left the office (that's worth the price of admission alone, lol), and headed straight to the gym to pump some iron. Yeah you know it. Got bored at the gym so I told my buddy we could go play some basketball at the courts down the street. And we did. My ball was a little flat, so we tried to pump it up. Unfortunately, the pump broke.

Sooooo we played basketball with a ball that was 3/4 of the way full. Couldn't even dribble the damn thing. Maybe we shoulda waited till Wednesday to pump it up lol.

Fast forward to Saturday morning, I had to get up early at like ten goddamn 30 to go on a bike ride with some friends. Holy shit, and go on a bike ride we did...your boy almost didn't make it. We ended up going 25 miles on this nice little trail. On the way back I had to stop and walk for a minute, cause I thought I was gonna puke. Maybe I'm a pussy.

Yeah right, I work out. I picked my bike up and threw it at some bum hanging out on the corner. That's not the type of thing that pussies do, what's up.

Saturday night, we went to some party and played flip-cup. What a fun ass game. If you're not familiar, it's similar to beer-pong. Uh, except you're not really throwing balls into solo cups. Whatever, google it. I got so caught up in our team's numerous victories, that I freaked out and yelled at the other team, "YOU SUCK ALL THE DICKS". In retrospect, I guess that's kind of embarrassing.

Sunday morning I got to sleep in till like 11:30 - it was great. We have a queen size bed, and there's the two of us, 2 body pillows (lol, I know), and a retarded cat, that all have to fit in there. Sardines in a tin, man. Getting up to get some water at like 7:23 AM, and coming back to bed and seeing Heckyeah-woman with both body pillows and the cat, taking up a good 3/4 of the bed UNAPPRECIATION. Dammit.

Ended up having a nice little Sunday, did some other stuff today, cleaned some ferret poop, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, and I'm gonna watch the weekly CSI: Miami marathon, like I do every sabbath.

Bonus Weekend wrap-up notes: I'm sitting here on Sunday evening, typing this up, and listening to Maroon 5. Heck yeah, I love Maroon 5.

Friday, May 1, 2009

MUSTACHE MAY KICK OFF!

IT'S MUSTACHE MAY! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
















Can't really see the 'stache too well in that pic, so here's another. It's still pretty light, but by the end of May, you'll be definitely be mistaking me for a police officer, a child molester, or your dad.
















Eh, what the hell, here's one more pic. I know you want it, babygurrrl
















Ok
, so there you have it - the kick off to MUSTACHE MAY! Be ready for updates on what is most likely going to be one of the most epic failures of my life.

This mustache really adds a whole new dimension to the upcoming weekend. People are gonna see me, see the mustache, and probably think one (1) of two (2) things: "that's fucking awesome", or more likely, "what a fucking asshole".

What this means for me, is that I gotta be able to read people. If some busta-ass, trick-ass ho is thinking the former, than yo, I gotta lay my mack down on this skank. I need to let this slore know that yeah ho, the man is truly as awesome as the mustache.

If some punk-ass motherfucker is thinking the latter, than yo, I gots to follow through, and prove him right. The best way to do that is by force feeding this (most likely) blowout hairstyle, guido looking, man-ass grabbing scumbag a knuckle sandwich.

I'll let you know how that goes.