Tuesday, March 31, 2009

went to a concert a few weeks ago

However, this was a different concert than that other one I recently went to, you remember, right - the one where I detailed a specific bathroom encounter? Since the big hullabaloo from my U2 comments a week or two ago, I thought it would be a nice gesture if I would go see them when they came through Florida recently.

With all you Heck Yeah, Man readers in mind, I took a few pictures to share.

The Edge

Boner, err...Bonor....uuuhhh, Bono.

Imagine my surprise, when special guest Bruce Springstein came on stage to do a couple numbers with the band! It was great!

"The Boss", everybody:

The show was great, but The Boss coming out really put it over the top. What a great live musical concert experience!

Monday, March 30, 2009


Wow, what an awesome poll. It's finally closed. Well, it's been closed a couple days now, but I'm just now finding the time to make a post about it.

To everybody that voted, thank you! We *appreciate* you taking the time to let the world know how you feel about HUMP DAY PUMP UP. Allow me to give you a little feedback on what we've learned from this poll:

-We had a total of 26 people that voted. My ego tells me that total voter turnout was but a fraction of daily readership. Reality tells me that each of our 3 readers voted multiple times.

-Of the 26 people that voted, 50% of them seem to think HUMP DAY PUMP UP should stay. I like those people. These are people that have a very good chance of not getting murdered...by some crazed psychopath blogger maniac.

-5 people seem to enjoy HUMP DAY PUMP UP, but apparently don't get as pumped up as I do. Eh, it's understandable, not everybody can handle such insane levels of awesome on a weekly basis. You get to live. For now.

-Last but not least, this world is about to have 8 fewer living people in it. Watch your backs.


Friday, March 27, 2009

the photoshoot

So a few months ago I went to the gym all ready to get my swell on. You know how I roll: all swole and jacked and tan.

By the time I get to the gym I'm all hopped up on mocha crappuchino flavored protein, and like 6 lines of blow.

Next thing I know, I'm warming up on the bike ready to kill it. Like really fuckin' kill it. Like nuke the shit outta my legs and then go do some pull ups, type of kill it.

So one of the dudes that works at the gym tells me they're taking some pics for the sweet new website. Being the vain asshole that I am, I'm all about it yo. So there's like 6 of us, including one of the owners, all gathered around a bench. You know, just six dudes hanging out at the gym - all swole - getting their pictures taken.

No big deal.

The dude taking the pics is a professional photographer, homeboy had umbrellas, flashes, and all kinds of pro type stuff. Shoot, he had bigger guns than I did. Shoulda been him in the pics, and me taking the pictures.

Most of the dudes are like legit bodybuilders, and then there's me.

Whatever, my forearms looked ridiculous.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

road rage

Do any of you remember my post last week where I went over a couple numbers from my trip to the mall? While I'm not going to revisit those numbers, I am going to revisit that particular trip to the mall. Rather, that particular trip home, from the mall.

If my memory serves me right, this was one of the first warm weekends after what seemed to be kind of a longer, more brutal winter - for Florida, lol. It was hot and kinda humid, and I was wearing jeans. I was kind of warm, and just ready to get home.

Pulling out of my parking space, my car is still hot from the sun beating down on it. This isn't making me happy, instead it's pissing me the fuck off. Whatever. To get out of the mall parking lot, you have to cross this street where we get a stop sign, but neither the traffic from both the left and right, nor the oncoming traffic have stop signs. It can be kind of a pain in the ass. From there, you cross the road into one of two left turn lanes...I generally need the left, left turn lane because...well, that's just the one I fucking need, ok? Ok.

Oddly, I have no problem crossing the road, and I sneak into the left turn lane that I need. Nice. I got the tunes pumpin', and I'm finally starting to cool off/chill out (brah). I notice some bitch in the car to my right, in the other left-turn lane, eyeballing me. I figure it's just because I'm really fucking good looking, really fucking muscular, and I have a sweet fucking ride.

Boy was I wrong.

We get our left-turn arrow, and we both begin making our left turns, though out of nowhere she bursts ahead of me like she thinks her gay little Volkswagon is faster than my FUCKING LAMBOURGHINI FERRARI. What an idiot.

So not only does she try to blow past me, but she just decides to cut me off, and merge into my lane...except there's no room for her to fit in, the car ahead of me is just crawling, and I'm sure as hell not letting this bitch in.

All of a sudden, I notice her fucking hazard lights are on, and she's honking her horn like a maniac, giving me the finger and yelling out of her window at me.


So I do the only logical thing: Speed up to make sure I don't let this psychopath in, start honking my horn, and begin cursing like a sailor at this twat.


And she's just freaking out. Finally, she gasses it, and get's ahead of both me and the car right in front of me.

This shit ain't over, ho. We're both heading onto I-75 Southbound, once off the ramp, I blow by this bitch with my middle finger though my moonroof.

She saw it. I know she did.

The funny thing is, if she would have used a blinker to try to merge - like a normal person - I woulda let her right in. But no, she had to go and be a bitch about it.

See below for the song that was playing in my car, at the time of this insanity.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Since this is potentially the last HUMP DAY PUMP UP, let's all get as humanly pumped up as we can get, then get just a little more pumped up, and then kick the shit outta today.

And there's only one way to get that pumped up...so pumped up that we can grab the day by the balls, or if you're like me, by the huge, fake titties.

Lucky for you, I'm gonna make it easy. Real fricken easy. Just watch this video, and get pumped up.

You know what? I know most of you probably didn't watch the video, so I took the liberty to type out a couple of my favorite lines from the drill sergeant.

"Five foot nine, I didn't know they stacked shit that high."

"I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck."

"Bullshit, it looks like the best part'a you ran down your momma's ass."

"Did your parents have any children that lived?"

"Do you think I'm cute, Private Pile, do you think I'm funny?"

"You had best square your ass away, and start shitting me Tiffany's cuff links, or I will definitely fuck you up."

I think we all know what happens here, lol. At least watch the last 20 seconds where he shoots himself. The part where he blasts the drill instructor is pretty sweet too.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

a couple weeks ago

I took a crap at a friends house.

Nothing really too noteworthy about it, other than me reading his ESPN The Magazine while squeezing out a couple rabbit turds.

To be completely honest with you, it was a rather unsatisfying experience. I mean, the conditions were great for eliminating waste from my body; his bathroom was clean; and his toilet was comfortable. It was a reasonable temperature in the bathroom, though if I do recall, I did break a mild sweat.

I think the problem stems from the fact that I just wasn't in the pooping mood. I didn't want to have to go potty there. I had things that needed to be done.

To tell you the truth, we were getting ready to go grab some food, and I was genuinely hungry. Unfortunately, my moving bowels delayed us about 10 minutes.

Whenever I poop, I like to hop in the shower quick and get my clean on. I think most guys can identify with me here. Naturally, I try to poop at home whenever I can. This time though, I was at someone else's place. I thought it would be kind of awkward if I took the liberty of just hopping in this dude's shower, and being all, "hey dude, you got any clean towels in here?". lol @ me using both a question mark, and a period there.

I'm sure his response would have been something like, "what the fuck are you doing in my shower?"

And my response would have been, "listen just get me a fucking clean towel before I come out there and shove this fucking plunger in your goddamn face, you son of a bitch".

Alas, none of that dialogue even happened, as I just wiped my ass, washed my hands, and we all went to grab some food.

It was good food too.

Monday, March 23, 2009

a bathroom encounter

So check this shit out, the other night I was at a concert. Oh sorry, it was a gig, or maybe a 'show'. Whatever, it was free. It was also this band. Lookout, they're blowin' up. Not the kind of blowin' up I'd like to see you do, though. I'd like to see you literally blow up. I don't know, like with a grenade or something. Moving on...

So we meet up with some friends and we're havin' a few beers before the band comes on. After a few beers, you know what comes next...I gots to go potty yo. Yeah, even professional bloggers need to pee.

So I creep into the men's room and there's some dude waiting for one of the two occupied urinals and single stall; I give him the what's up nod.

He gives me one back.

I wait for a second, and it hits me - that's the guitarist for The Gaslight Anthem. OMFG!!!! Somehow, I manage to keep my composure, lol. Finally, one of the dudes at the urinal leaves, and I give him the go ahead nod, cause he was there before me... "it's all you", I tell him as I point to the vacated urinal.

"I'm waiting for that one", he says, as he points to the lone stall in the baffroom. And a brief, hesitant smile follows. I could tell from that smile, he really had to shit. Bad.

Keeping my rofls to myself, I head to the urinal and prepare to pee, while thinking about the swamp-ass this guys gonna have while he's jumping around on stage in about a half hour. Anyway, So i'm sitting there just pissin' my brains out, and you'll never guess who walks up to the empty urinal right next to me...

Yep, it's the bassist for the band.

How crazy is this? By now, the guitarist is on my right, in the stall, shitting his brains out like his life depends on it; and the bassist is on my left, just urinating like a goddamn free spirit.

I do my business, WASH MY HANDS CAUSE I'M NOT A FILTHY FUCKING ANIMAL, and leave. The band goes on, they play a great set, and lot's of fun is had. After the show, there were a couple other highlights that I'm saving for another blog, on another day.

As it turns out, the guitarist must have had some pretty severe swamp-ass, because he pretty much remained still for most of the night, lol.

Friday, March 20, 2009

our first poll!

We STILL have a new poll!


The good news is that you don't have to choose between John Mccain or Barack Obama!




*Barack Obama and his new team of legislators have contacted me, inquiring about making every Wednesday official HUMP DAY PUMP UP DAY. Yeah - no shit, this is awesome. We are currently mulling the offer over. Rest assured, you'll be the first to know.

**This does not apply to you, Mom and Dad.

GREAT new post coming Monday that details specific events of a recent musical performance I attended.


Cleaning my toilet, leaning so close, getting so into it, cleaning so furiously, and I'm scrubbing so hard that the water splashes into my mouth.

But it's just clean soapy water right?

Nah, the reason I clean my terlet is cause I just deposited a monstrous, horrible turd straight into the bank of sewage. Feeling dirty, I'll clean the terlet/mess/disaster area, thus ultimately cleansing my soul.

This, in a sense, absolves me of the sins I have just committed.

Have an awesome weekend!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

the suggestion box

A couple weeks ago at work, I received an email stating that we now have a company suggestion box.

A couple weeks later I received an email about how we've had the suggestion box up for a couple weeks, and haven't received any suggestions.

I took it up on myself to remedy that.

About a day later, I got an email from HR saying that "MOTHERFUCKIN TITEEZ IN MY FUCKIN FACE" is not a valid suggestion...and to please, "refrain from vulgar suggestions in the future".

Later that week, another email was sent out, reiterating the purpose of the suggestion box, and that in the future, any profanity will result in disciplinary action.

I have since held off on any future usage of the suggestion box.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I may or may not have posted this video on this site. Maybe even for a past HUMP DAY PUMP UP. I don't remember, and I don't care. Cause this video needs some posting again.

If I ever have to get married, you can be damn sure I'm gonna have this guy playing my wedding.

It's like, whenever I'm eating buffalo wings, or something equally as awesome - like buffalo chicken tenders, I hear this song playing in my head.

Andrew W.K. - Party Hard
Watch Music Videos at www.roxwel.com

Oh man, while I was writing this post, I watched the video three times, and got so pumped up that I came about 10 seconds within spontaneous combustion.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

...and the retraction

Real quick, I mentioned last week that U2 sucks (please read that awesome top 10 blog here). It seems that a good one-third to one-quarter of our daily readership has let me know that U2 does not suck.

While, I still believe in my heart of hearts, that they do indeed suck the utmost dong, I am going to go ahead and retract my statement. Please be aware that we here at heck yeah, man will not make a habit of this 'retracting statements' business.

However, given these particular circumstances, we feel it is in the best interest of the blog.

Wait, what circumstances?


Can we all agree that Coldplay is horrible? THANK YOU

Monday, March 16, 2009

runnin' some numbers

A couple weeks ago I went to the mall. It was productive - I found a pair of jeans. Please allow me to throw some numbers at you:

17, 95, 100, 1, 2

Why the hell would you care about 5 numbers? Let me explain their significance. And if after reading, your mind isn't completely blown by these numbers, then well, I don't know what to tell you.

17 - This is the approximate number of hot chicks I saw at the mall, who were with what I assumed to be their significant other. I'm talking about legitimately good looking broads. Also, to qualify as 'hot', not only did they have to be good looking, but they also had to have less than 60% of their body covered with superfluous clothes.

95 - Out of the 17 hot chicks, this is the approximate percentage of those chicks that were with pudwhackers. But how can I call these dudes pudwhackers, when I don't even know them? Lol, my eyes work just fine, and they tell me all I need to know. Anyway, this percentage tells me one thing: we may have an epidemic here.

100 - This is the percentage of all chicks at the mall who looked at me, made eye contact, smiled, and immediately wished I was right there with them, instead of their pudwhacker significant other.

1 - I saw one (1) trinket broken. No kidding, it was at that store, Things Remembered...you know, the place with all those stupid trinket things? So check this, I'm walking by thinking about how awesome I am, and I hear this loud as hell CRASH! Looking over in the direction of the sound, I see some little kid's face get all red, and then erupt in a volcano of crybaby tears. I couldn't help but lol to myself as I thought of blog potential. The icing on the cake: I see what appeared to be the kid's mother run over to her kid, and ask, "goddamnit, what did you do?" holy lol.

2 - This is the amount of epic events that happened that day at the mall. The first epic event is described just above. But what about the second epic event? Well I had to go to Macy's to see if they had any deals, and the men's stuff is on the bottom floor. So I took the escalator down. I perused the jeans, and decided they didn't have what I needed. Time to bust out yo. So I'm heading for the other escalator, and as I approach I see 2 things: the first one is that the escalator isn't moving. At all. And the second is a sign that says something about the escalator not working, and something about using the elevator. So I used an elevator at Macy's. I guess it wasn't really that epic, but I already spent like 5 minutes typing it out, So there's no way in hell that I'm going to delete it, and have all that furious typing go to waste.

Friday, March 13, 2009

another interaction with my peers

If I were to have an interaction with somebody who smells horrible, this is how it *might* go down:

Broad: Why are you in such a bad mood today?

Heck Yeah, Man: *sniff sniff* Cause you fucking stink.

B: Well that isn't a very nice thing to say!

HYM: Well it's not a very nice thing to smell that horrible. Seriously, your stench is atrocious. Did you substitute your make up for powdered human shit? Maybe instead of lipstick, you applied a dog turd.

B: Well I never!

HYM: You never what? Never brush yo teefs? Goddamn, maybe you brushed 'em with a shit encrusted piece of asparagus? Cause that's what my nose is telling me.

B: I've never been so insulted in my life!

HYM: If I didn't know any better, I'd guess you were a walking, talking, human shit-stain.

I'm not saying the above conversation, did or did not happen; I'm just saying if it did...this is how I would envision it.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

the showdown

It was a chilly evening. Feeling a cold breeze greet me, I exit the office. It's funny, no matter how hot and humid or cold it is, there's something always refreshing about the short walk to my car, after leaving work for the day.

You know where I'm heading, and I find a parking spot there with relative ease. As I step out of my car, all I hear is the light hustle and bustle of the after-work traffic, about a block away. That, and the last few turns my engine makes, after I turn the ignition off.

It was a busy day at work, and I'm glad to be done for the day. However, I knew that what I was about to do would be so much more brutal than any day at the office.

Yeah, it's true. I have just arrived at the gym. And it feels good.

In the process of getting pumped up for the gym, I mutter, "fuck", to myself, and grab my bag out of the back seat. My gym bag was a little bit heavier today. Maybe it was due to the fact that today I packed a jacket to wear when I'm done. Or maybe it was due to the heaviness of the situation that was about to happen.

Either way, I grab my bag, sling it over my shoulder, and prepare to cross the street/parking lot to enter the awaiting gym.

It's funny, I'm 27 years old, and I still look both ways before I cross the street. Guess my parents taught me well.

After looking left, and seeing that it's clear, I see a silver car coming from the right - like a bat out of hell. Maybe he's late for work, maybe he's on the lamb from the po, or maybe he's just gettin' the fo outta dodge. I don't know what his story is, and I don't care.

He seems to see me contemplating making a run for it, and he slows down a little. Conversely, when I see him slowing down, I know he's thinking about gunning it to get past me before I try to cross.

It's almost as if time stops for a millisecond.

Despite the heavy tint of his windows, our eyes meet.

This. This is THE SHOWDOWN.

And I had no idea it would all be over in a split second...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I was at the gym the other day, talking to a couple dudes about some stuff. I said something about how, 'seeing people getting killed pumps me up'.

Immediately I knew we had the next HUMP DAY PUMP UP.

Today is Wednesday. Humpday.

Are you ready to face the day?

Are you going to kick the shit outta today?

Are you gonna have an awesome day, and blast a bunch of chicks?

If you even hesitated in answering with an immediate, "FUCK YEAH", then you need to watch the entirety of this brief clip below. Even if you didn't hesitate at all, like me, you still need to watch the clip.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

yeah, there is something wrong with you

I cherish my time at lunch, when I'm at work. For it's the third best part of the day. The second being that very moment when the clock strikes 5, and I can bust outta the office, and creep over to the gym whats up. And of course the best part of my day, is when I get in every morning.

Wait, WHAT?!?!?!?

True story, I get in, power up my computer, and the first thing I do is check to make sure my blog post for the morning is there.

It's a beautiful thing.

But that's not the point. The point is that the third best part of my day is lunch. There's something truly magical about sitting in silence with my coworkers as we break bread/fight for use of the microwaves.

I usually lay claim to the front page of the newspaper, and once I read that up, I'll grab the local & state section. There's a, you guessed it, an advice column - Dear Abby, or Dear Anne or something. I don't know.

Today's struck me though. Some toolbox was complaining about not being able to finish what he starts. He's going on about how he can never finish projects for work, or for school, and as graduation looms, he has not been looking for a job at all. I'm thinking, 'what can this guy possibly be asking', it seems like he knows he has a problem, and that he knows what's causing it.

I'm in bewilderment as to why he would write in, when he seems to know the crux of his problem. Of course, nothing truly amazes me anymore, aside from watching myself do pull-ups, or how ridiculously large and muscular my thighs have grown in the last year. I began thinking that maybe I missed something?

And then BAM! There it is:

This son of a bitch has the stones to ask if he has a "disorder".

"Do I have a disorder?"

A disorder? Like there's some medical condition for being lazy.

No motherfucker, but there is something seriously wrong with you: you're a goddamn lazy shithead.

Monday, March 9, 2009

damn, i'm on a roll

Another top ten (10) list? Yeah you bet. Why not?

Here are the top ten (10) things that people pretend to like:

10. You - Did you really think I'd make this list without including you? Oh you did? lol.

9. ipods - ipods are everywhere. Everybody's got one. It's crazy. I was totally against ipods, and I still pretty much am...just because of the fact that the Sandisk Sansa is a superior product, and not to mention, two thirds of the price. Then I bought an ipod touch. This thing is sweet as hell. I love you, ipod touch. I hate you, other every other ipod/ipod users.

8. Apple Products - So what if most of the computers are supposedly superior to their PC counterparts, you still look like a douche, jocking the shit out of a computer. Yeah, you're pimping a computer. I never thought I'd see the day when there is a trendy brand of computer lol. You know what else? U2 sucks.

7. Going Green - What a bunch of shit. Yeah it may be trendy to be all green and shit, and maybe it might get you laid once or twice; but if you can't see through all this 'going green' bullshit hype, you're an idiot. I hope you go green. But first I hope you go blue, in the face, from strangulation.

6. Heath Ledger - Yeah I went there. He's dead. Would everybody be s'in on his d (besides Jake Gyllenhall lol) if he were still alive? He was a fucking junkie loser. I still haven't seen Dark Night, and I'm sure his performance was great, but yo, Jack Nicholson's Joker was >.

5. Skinny Jeans - Seriously? If you're a dude and wearing these, you better be a skinny little shit. If not, there's a good chance you have a beard, a beer belly, and drink PBR like its the fucking antidote; oh, and you probably wear slip-ons.

4. The Hills - This might be the worst show ever. Spencer is possibly the biggest douchebag ever. But, Heidi has big fake titties, and LC is hot. And AUDRINA PATRIDGE. Ok, maybe it's not that bad.

3. Jogging- Straight up, this shit sucks. I can't see how anyone can get any enjoyment out of this. Honestly, jogging is just like a faster version of walking. And walking sucks. I can get behind motherfuckers getting some exercise, but running is the shittiest way to get it. I get it, testing your limits, and pushing yourself. Cool. But if I'm going to 'test my limits' or 'push myself' to the point of pain, you can be damn sure there are gonna be drugs and strippers involved.

2. Shitty Movies - No Country for Old Men comes to mind. There Will be Blood is another. Artsy shit, lolworthy endings, and forced plot twists that ruin an otherwise good movie, just piss me off. Yeah, maybe I'm a simple man. Haha, actually I am. But I'll take mindless action and comedy, over Oscar-jocked crap, any day. One last thing: Slumdog Millionaire, lol.

1. Jazz - I don't know anyone that actually likes jazz. Aside from a few pretentious fucking losers that pretend to like it, I don't know anybody that actively enjoys listening to jazz. Yeah, some people put it on for background music, and some artsy fartsy donghuffers play it on their guitars, but who the hell actually enjoys listening to it?

Friday, March 6, 2009

20 calories make all the difference

Alright, peep this. So here I am at home nom nom nomin' away on some tasty morsels, and a commercial comes on. Not just any commercial, but a yogurt commercial.

Yeah, yogurt.

It was a stupid commercial. But that's not the point. The whole selling point of the yogurt was that it had 20 fewer calories than the leading brand.

20 calories.

Brand A had 100 calories.

Brand B only had 80 calories.

If I ever get to a point in my life where I'm fussing about 20 calories - in a cup of yogurt, no less - please take me aside, shake me, and call me the biggest goddamn fucking retard ever.

Jesus Christ, 20 calories. I burn 20 calories just wiping my ass. So maybe if you're looking to kill some calories, you should wipe your ass like 6 times a day. Well, 6 extra times a day.

But that's not taking into account the sludge-like consistency of my bowel movements. Wiping that toxic melting asphalt-like lava 9 or 10 times a day takes a lot out of a man.

20 calories my ass.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

an illusion

You know how like when you're on the phone, and you're talking to somebody, and they have a potentially ambiguous name like Jaime...you know what I mean?

You assume it's a dude because the voice is kind of lower and a bit more masculine sounding than a woman's. And then you refer to it as 'sir', or 'mister'. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Has this ever happened to you?

Or like when you meet someone for the first time, and you know their name in advance...and it's definitely a feminine name...like Margaret...and you're thinking that there's no mistaking, this is going to be a chick.

But then when you go to meet her, and when you actually catch your first glimpse of this sea-hag/chick, you do a massive double-take. You find yourself asking yourself 'what the crap, that's a chick?'

But it gets worse: the handshake. You go to shake this troll's hand and it gives you the firmest handshake with the most calloused hands. Horrible - to the point where you're no longer sure that it's a woman anymore.

C'mon, this has to have happened to you!

Cause this happens to me all the time.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


Let us unite, as one PUMPED UP group of biggest-dick-you-around-show-on-television-watchers; and let us enjoy this preview, as well as the show tonight.

Let us embrace the fact that at some point in the coming weeks, our heads will probably explode due to the clusterfuck that is this show.

Either way, we will stand steadfast; we will stand strong; and we will stand totally PUMPED UP.

Maybe you watch Lost, maybe you don't. But know this: We will remain SO PUMPED UP throughout the duration of the show, that you'll know, deep in your soul, that you're reaching unheralded levels of PUMPED UPNESS.


It's like, "how much more PUMPED UP could I be"?

And the answer is, "none, none more PUMPED UP".

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

home improvements

There's a good chance you remember my post about the drill. Well it turns out I did get a drill - a sweet one. That's right, heckyeahwoman bought me one for Valentine's day. It's awesome.

But you wanna know what I don't have? Drill bits.

Off to Lowe's, or Home Depot, or Menards, or Fleet Farm, or Farm n Fleet, or Sears, or whatever other manly store. Lowe's it is. I found my drill bits, and what follows is an account of my interaction with the cashier at Lowes:

Cashier: Hi, how are you doing today?

Heckyeah-man.muhfuggin blogspot.com yo: Great, how are you doing?

C: Good, thanks.

HYM: FUCK YEAH BITCH (haha actually I just said, "that's awesome").

C: You find everything ok?

HYM: I found my way into your line, didn't I, shawtie? (lol, actually I said: "yeah, thanks").

C: Would you like to donate a dollar to Jerry's Kids?

HYM: No. (I was thinking, "Jerry's who? f-off, trick")

HYM: I'm a horrible person.

C: No, actually I heard that Jerry's a horrible person.

HYM: Wait isn't it a charity that Jerry runs, he can't be a horrible person if he runs a charity.

C: I just heard that Je-

*I cut her off*


C: *nervously replies* That'll be $7.37 please.

So I gave her the money, took my drill bits, and got the fo outta there.

Monday, March 2, 2009

top ten (10) things about...

Ok, it's that time again! Time for a top ten (10) list brought to you from your friends at Heck Yeah, Man.

The weather's getting nicer; I'm seein' broads with less clothes on (see no. 1); and things are just getting better! That can only mean one thing - SPRING IS HERE!

Well, what makes Spring so awesome? Read on, and find out:

10. The weather - For some, the snow is starting to melt; for others, the temperature generally hangs out around the scientifically proven perfect temperature: 75 degrees F. Nothing puts me in a good mood like a beautiful day. In college we called it "blasting chicks weather". Well, actually we didn't, but if I was in college now, that's what I'd call it.

9. Buying stuff - Last Spring, I bought an electronic drum set. It's awesome. The year before that, I bought a car. Also awesome. The year before that, I don't remember what I bought, but there's a very high chance that it was awesome. This year, I'm not sure. Maybe a new toilet, cause I've just been abusing the shit out of it lately (no pun intended). Seriously, if me and my toilet were in a relationship, I'd be Ike, and it'd be Tina Turner.

8. Douchebag spotting - Spring means you can spot a douchebag from a mile away. You can spot a douchebag not only by his neon polo - probably with a collar popped, but also with his khaki shorts. Well why would you want to spot a douchebag from a mile away? I don't really have a good answer for that.

7. St. Patrick's Day - It's been said that on St. Pattie's Day, everybody's Irish. So you mean that everybody is a smokin' redhead chick with pale ass skin and freckles like woah? Isn't that what every Irish person looks like? Cause I'm lookin' around the bar and that's not what I'm seein'. Whatever, if having a green beer (and listening to obnoxious frat boys chug them) once a year doesn't get you pumped up, that may be a personal problem. Or you may just not particularly care for obnoxious frat boys. Chugging green beer.

6. Good Friday - Should be changed to GREAT FRIDAY. Cause yo, I'll be sleepin' in till noon, hittin' the gym all day, bustin' out blazin'-ass guitar solos, and generally just bein' awesome. Wanna know why? Cause I have the day off from work, yo. And to me, that's not good, it's great!

5. Memorial Day Weekend - Or is it Labor Day weekend? A truly professional blogger would have googled it, to find out for sure. Me, well I'm gonna take a leap of faith that you'll know what I mean. Whatever, It's the Monday we have off work in late May or Early June. Hopefully my brother will come visit again, and we can go dragon hunting, like last year. Man, nothing says "spring" like a good old fashioned dragon hunt.

4. Ash Wednesday - What other season do you find motherfuckers walking around with ashes on their foreheads? Exactly. Yeah, I get it, you're in touch with your spiritual side, and the ashes are a sign of repentance. Well what about if I start walking around with a bottle of whiskey shoved up my ass? That's a sign of me abstaining from whiskey - cause I'm not gonna be able to drink it, if the bottle's up my ass.

3. Daylight Savings - An extra hour of light in the evening. Honestly, this means one thing for me: When I get home from the gym during the week, I'll have time to grill out before it get's dark, and the mosquitoes come out in full force.

2. Graduation - This beautiful day in May comes but once a year. This is a day for celebration indeed. Not only do a bunch of losers who still depend on Mommy & Daddy to continue to pay their way, manage to graduate and get some shitty degree, but they also LEAVE MY TOWN! Some of them, for good! Congratulations to all you future yuppie losers, thank you for leaving Gainesville, and may the real world eat you alive!

1. Bitches wearing less clothes. But what about all the fat chicks in skimpy-ass clothes? Yeah that sucks, BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE HOT ONES! C'mon, if you didn't know this was gonna be no. 1 (well, that or something about somebody dying), then you clearly haven't been reading. Let's get that fixed asap.

Have an awesome Spring! And keep reading everyday!