Q. I'm 45 and never married, though a survivor of many relationships. I'm not petty -- I can handle it if a guy is shorter, fatter, poorer, bald, etc. But I've recently met someone I'm wildly attracted to and there is a problem -- major! I'm half laughing, half crying as I write this. He's a diehard Republican; I'm an Obama girl. Clearly our politics are miles apart. Whenever he brings up the election I want to scream, but I settle for closing his mouth with a kiss. When the chemistry fades, is the relationship doomed to fall apart?
A. So let me get this straight, you're a Democrat, and the dude you're into is a Republican. Please allow me to break this down for you in terms of a relationship: By simply following a path in your relationship, similar to the path already set by your chosen political affiliations, you'll find that in the end it will burn itself out.
Let me guess, the previous administration, errr - I mean previous boyfriend - did you wrong in many ways. And now you think you're going to be able to fix it with one nice shiny package that contains a lot of style, but not a whole lot of substance.
As your relationship gets clogged with more, and more, and more special interests, wedge issues (like what to name your gay kid), and out-of-control spending (do you really need all that crap you just bought...on credit?).
Face it, you both have a one way ticket to the same shitty destination - just one of you is flying, and one of you is taking the train. But ultimately, you're both fucked.
So I have a brother. He even reads my blog sometimes. Thanks brother!
We're both into working out, and blasting our pecs and stuff. He's bigger than I am. Yeah, down there too.
Often times for either Xmas or my birthday he'll buy me supplements for working out. Most of these supps come with directions for use on the label. However, he always includes his own directions for me; you know so I don't overdose and have my head explode or something awesome.
He wouldn't steer me wrong would he? Nah, I trust him.
So this Xmas he gets me something called like NITRO BLASTER or POWER HOUR or something, I don't know - I can't remember. The packaging is big, red, shiny, and just by looking at it, I can tell it's gonna get me jacked. All I know is that it's a pink powder that you mix with water and slam before a brutal workout.
So that's what I do.
People at the gym see me drinking this pink radioactive looking substance, and ask me what the hell I'm drinking - and I have no idea, so I just say, 'some stuff my brother bought me'.
My theory is that my brother buys me these supps so he can see how they work with me. If it produces favorable results, he'll probably pick them up. If like, I grow another arm or something, he'll probably still pick some up. Cause having another arm would be totally sweet. Hey, just another arm to lift with. Whats up.
But if, like, I get a terrible case of diarrhea and get IBS, well, he'd still probably try 'em out. However, if the supps made my head explode or like if they made my face melt (like what I do to people when I'm wailing on my guitar right in their fuckin' faces), then he'd probably pass on those particular supps.
I've taken the current stuff about 5 times now, without dying. I think I'm good.
The other day my buddy left a comment on my blog. Thanks for reading, cuz! But that's not the important thing. Well it's important cause I appreciate anybody reading, and I appreciate anybody leaving a comment.
The thing is, I used to work with this guy at a restaurant, and we had a great time. He was a cook, and I was a waiter. I had some of the best times ever in college, courtesy of this dude. His comment reminded me of this awesome thing I used to do: any time someone ordered a kid's meal (presumably, a kid), we would put a dum-dum sucker in each kids' meal basket.
However, I went that extra mile for each kid's meal. I would take a sucker, and slam it on the counter so it would crack up and break. That way when the little shit would open the sucker up, it would be all broken, and it would be ruined.
Yeah, it was awesome cleaning up your shithead kid's mess. It was even more awesome watching that little bastard cry over a broken sucker. He didn't need the extra sugar anyway.
The other day at the gym I was getting ready to blast my lats with some pull-ups. You know what I mean; you see me and my barndoor lats having troubles fitting through doors.
Yeah you know what's up.
Back to the story, anyway, I'm warming up and whatever all up on the lat pull down machine. I get in one good set of warm ups, and go over to talk to some dude that needs talkin' to. We chat for a minute, and as I'm creeping back to hit a few more sets, I see another dude heading for the same spot.
Nuh - uh.
It's about to go down y'all.
Yeah, except for one thing...this was a big ass dude. Like 'slap me around and call me Sally' big. Whatever, the dudes there are nice, it's cool. We can work this out. We're all adults here. Well except for me. I just look like one. A muscular, good looking adult.
I mumble something about " dude bro man brohamulous, I'm on this, but if you want to jump in go for it".
His response? A commanding, "I was on this."
I'm thinking, "oh snap, if I can survive the beatdown this dude is about to give me, I can make a blog!"
And with out hesitating he replies, "Nah, it's cool - I was just grabbing my water that I left over here."
That's right motherfucker.
So I finished my warm-up sets, and pounded out about a thousand pull-ups.
I don't know, it may sound kind of weird to an inexperienced terlet blaster, but let me assure you, this is a certified 10/10 activity.
See, the thing is, it's just you and the porcelain. Nothing else. Well that, and the quaint hum of the baffroom fan.
No lights to allow your thoughts to be clouded with the obscene images found in those dirty titty mags I'm always reading, nor any other unsavory things that can be read. It's like being one with nature.
You know, some people have said that when you lose one sense, your other senses are heightened. In this case, with the lights off, you lose your sense of sight - increasing the sensitivity of your other sense, mainly smell.
That's probably the main reason I almost died the other day on the can. Yeah, haha, your boy damn near gassed hisself to death.
All I'm trying to say is that you should try pooping in the dark. I think you'll find it to make for a very satisfying dumping experience.
OK, if you're reading this far, that could mean a couple things:
1. you read the title, and are now reading the 'meat & potatoes' of this particular post.
2. you have good taste in blogs.
3. you, like myself, enjoy a nice brief little list every now n' again.
Whatever, here's another little list for, uhh, for um, for 'dat a$$'...only this list has to do with the exciting things to look forward to in the next couple days/weeks:
1. HUMP DAY PUMP UP - coming very soon! You'll know it when you see it.
2. ART WEEK!!! - coming sooner than later, but still soon. FYI: it's not ART WEEK!!! unless there are three (3) exclamation points. Watch out for imposters.
3. heckyeah-man.blogspot.com t-shirts (lol). Yeah, my dream may become your reality.
The first part of 2009 is shaping up to be HUUUUUUUUGE for us here at w.hym-bs.c ! Truly an exciting time indeed. In fact this is almost as exciting as the time when a little known feller named Barack Obama was running for president, and I kept saying that there's no way he's going to be able to keep all those promises. And everybody was like "omg vote for change"; and then they were like "omg ur a dummy".
Some of you may or may not know that I went to China over the holidays. Yeah, my brother and our girlfriends went to visit my mom. She lives there.
Go Mom - you go girl!
Anyway, we spent a couple days in Hong Kong, no biggie I'm all kinds of cultured. The hotel was sweet: great location, nice rooms, fancy stuff there, you get the idea. Little did I know that I wouldn't discover just how sweet it really was - until like a week after I got back home....
When we flew into Hong Kong, my brother's luggage didn't show up till a day and a half later. Heh, sorry man. Of course now he was sans clean clothes and his shaving kit.
He made some comment about how the toothpaste the hotel provided was weird. Like anything someone I care about says, it went in one ear, and right out the other.
Eventually it was time to leave the hotel, so I packed up all my crap, and grabbed the complimentary toothbrush the hotel left for us.
A week later my regular toothbrush was beat. I tossed it, and grabbed the infamous "Hong Kong Toothbrush".
This may have been the smartest thing I have ever done. This thing has bristles that seem to be made out of the most beautiful boobies. The handle must be made out of the finest woman's toned ass cheek. It's a pleasure to hold and use.
You know in the movie Wedding Crashers, where Vince Vaughn refers to Owen Wilson as a 'motorboatin' son of a bitch'? Well every time I apply toothpaste to my amazing toothbrush, I hear Vince Vaughn saying that to me.
Yeah, it feels that awesome.
Hong Kong Toothbrush, I love you and I wouldn't trade you for anything.
I was sitting at work eating my lunch in the lunchroom. Ah yes, the lunchroom...where some people choose to enjoy their delicious lunches. We have a usual lunch crew that consists of myself (fuck yeah), and a couple co-workers that routinely share their precious lunchtime with me. Thank you for sharing those special moments.
Really, thank you.
The lunches that people from work eat run the gamut from healthy, to not healthy, t0 absolutely fucking disgusting deep fried turds.
My lunches have been relatively healthy over the past 2 years. One thing has remained constant: microwaved frozen vegetables. You can't go wrong - they're tasty, and good for you.
Yeah, yeah I know, I live in Florida, I should take advantage of all the awesome fresh produce. But the frozen stuff is so cheap. And it's right there in the freezer isle at Publix...and when I'm feelin' hood, the freezer isle at the Winn Dixie.
Anyway, this weirdo I work with makes note that I've been eating "those vegetables" forever, and she asks me, "how long u gonna be on that diet for?"
My reply: "It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle you fat fuck".
Oh man I was at the gym the other day, it was awesome. I started out by warming up on the treadmill a little. I rode the bike for a bit. Then I went over and did some dumbell presses - it felt so good!
I must have lifted millions of pounds. Millions.
I followed it up with a little military press action, then blasted my triceps with some pushdowns. As I'm walking back to hit the bike for a couple hours, I notice something in the mirror...
HOLY SHIT I'M PUMPED THE FUCK UP. Yo I was just wearing a black tshirt with some gay gym shorts, but holy crap were my arms bulging outta control.
They were ready to pop.
I kind of had to do a double take.
Yeah, sure enough, it's confirmed - your boy has got his swell on.
There was only thing left for me to do: find the best mirror in the place, and just flex for a few hours. And that's just what I did.
People were looking at me like I was retarded, but when you got 'the pump', hey, you got THE PUMP.
Hey, it's 2009 and I did a top ten list for my favorite albums from the past year. I listen to a lot of punk, hardcore, and heavier music, so you may not like my list.
I can live with that.
A bit of a footnote, this is my favorite albums of 2008...you know, the ones I listened to the most this year. Everything was released in 2008; however it may have been a reissue of an older record, whatever.
10. A 3 way tie with some awesome reissues that came out this year, in no particular order.
10a. Screeching Weasel - "My Brain Hurts" - This is the blue print for pop-punk. One of my favorite albums of all time. This is essential. 10b. Coalesce - "012 A Revolution In Just Listening" - Awesome album, with new awesome artwork. 10c. Turmoil - "The Process Of..." - Awesome album, with new less-awesome artwork. The opening song/line pumps me up as much as anything.
9. Arghoslent - "Hornets of the Pogrom" - I don't listen to a lot of death metal, but this is pretty awesome stuff. The riffs are ridiculous, and this shit is catchy as hell. Fantastic musicianship, and just an awesome death metal album.
8. Good Riddance - "Remain in Memory" - This band is now done, but they did a farewell live show in 2007, and fortunately for us, they recorded it. And as luck would have it, they released it about a year later. Good Riddance is one of my favorite punk bands, and they were awesome live. It would make sense that their live album would be pretty awesome then too. Over 30 career-spanning songs, including all the ones that I'd want to hear.
7. Less Than Jake - GNV FLA - What!?!?! Ska!? lol! Yeah, this band is still around, and this new album is fantastic! I didn't expect to be jamming this too much / at all, but I thought fuggit, I live in Gainesville, I owe this joint a quick listen. Good move, too. This is the way ska-pop-punk-whatever is supposed to be done.
6. Terror - "The Damned, The Shamed" - The first song on this album pumps me the fuck up. The rest of the album keeps me engaged long enough to remain in an adequate state of being pumped up. Then the last song comes on, and I just get pumped up beyond belief. Hey, it's a new Terror record, I wasn't expecting anything more than what I got.
5. H20 - "Nothing to Prove" - I was really stoked to hear that this album would be released this year. I pre-ordered this bad boy and was glad to hear that the band hadn't lost anything in the 7 years since the last album. Homeboy here even learned to sing A LOT better...but yo, I ain't talkin Pavoratti type shit, this is still hardcore.
4. Cold World - "Dedicated to Babies Who Were Born Feet First" - Lame album title, awesome album. This band likes hip-hop. I don't really. Lol, but somehow I managed to listen to this a buttload.
3. Have Heart - "Songs to Scream at the Sun" - This was by far my most anticipated new album for 08. And while it isn't nearly as good as the band's previous, it's still pretty awesome. While some may find the lyrics cliche, I really enjoy them. But yo, that cover art is pretty lame. The last album had more of an 'old school' feel to it; while this one seems to have latched onto a few things found in more modern hardcore. At the end of the day, I'm going to reach for the bands previous album, 'The Things We Carry'; however when I get sick of that, I'll gladly turn to this one.
2. Suicide Note - "Empty Rooms" - This album was a complete shocker to me. I have been aware of the band for a while now, but never spent much time with any of their releases. I'd heard a few songs, and decided this particular style of music wasn't really something I listen to. However, "Empty Rooms" found it's way into my hands, and I was ready to give it a listen. It didn't hit me right away, but after a few spins, I found myself listening to this more and more. I am now the proud owner of most of the rest of this bands catalogue. And for the ladies out there, omg cute lead singer alert omg lol.
1. The Gaslight Anthem - "The '59 Sound" - This came out in like July and has been in heavy rotation ever since. This band is blowin' the F up, and it's awesome. It sounds like if Bruce Springsteen went punk...in the 50's. When this band came through Gainesville, I gave the lead singer a business card for this blog. Hey Mr. Gaslight Anthem singer dude, if you're reading this, thanks for reading!
Some of you may or may not be aware of this awesome term. It's pretty sweet, I don't know, this post really has nothing to do with that, well kind of, I just wanted to use that for a title for a blog post. I know at least one dude that will get a kick out of it. I don't think he reads my blog though. Fugg'em.
Anyway, so a couple weeks ago, I'm on my way to work and as I'm creeping through the school zone, I see this older lady walking on the sidewalk to my right. She's heading in my direction.
But this broad ain't just walkin'.
Nah, she's got ski-poles in her hand and she's pretending to be cross country skiiing. Only she's not wearing skis. Or Skiis. Or however the fuck you spell it.
She's wearing shoes.
I don't know, she looked homeless or something. Whatever, lol.
Some of you may, or may not, know that I've been working on the song version of one of my blogs for the last couple of weeks. Not really a couple weeks of work, but more like an hour or two a week for a couple weeks - till I got done what needed to get done. This happened in the evenings, obviously.
Lol - well both the blog, and the song, were written at work.
Anyway, the song was written, and I really thought I needed to recruit a couple dudes to help me sing this bad boy...And wouldn't you know - that it was a couple dudes that indeed, did offer to help me sing this song.
With this in mind, I tracked down each guy and made the proposal of a lifetime: If you come over and help me sing this gay song - yo, I'll buy a shitload of beer.
So I'd like to take a moment to thank the couple of dudes who helped out (in no particular order)
The other day I went to Publix on my way to work. You know, to grab some lunch food for the week.
The trip inside the actual Publix was uneventful. It was the events that occured right after I left the store, that made this morning so remarkable.
As I pulled out of my parking spot, I thought nothing of it. In truth, there was actually nothing to be thought of, as nothing crazy happened until I was getting ready to exit the Publix parking lot lol.
So I'm pulling up to a stop sign, ready to make a right turn outta this place, when what do I spy? I spy a man.
Not just any man. This man was carrying a weed whacker. Yes, a weed whacker.
He was heading in the direction that should ultimately end up taking him right in front of my car. I give him the 'wave', you know, like the 'go ahead wave'...or like my tall goatee'd friend from Tampa says: 'the g'head wave'.
Anyway, the dude sees me waving him to go, but then out of nowhere - BAM!
He waves me to 'go ahead' and my make my right turn! Yeah, I know right! I was totally not expecting that to happen!
This came straight outta left field.
What do I do? Do I simply go for it, or do I give him another stronger, more forceful 'go ahead' wave?
After a minute or two of deliberation, I decided that me in my dope ride totally trumps some homeless looking dude with a weed whacker.
So I sped off, thinking of the possibilities of this blog.
True story, there is a tall man terrorizing the Tampa area. This weirdo usually hangs out around parks, trying to find pick-up games of basketball - during which, he will grab the ball and maneuver around so that you come into contact with his stinky, naughty bits.
Truly an unpleasant experience.
His signature move is the "bait and switch junk grab". As you're grabbing for the ball, his junk magically appears. In the way of your hand.
Another one of his famous moves is to let the ball go loose, then as you scramble for it, his sweaty ass gets in the way. Of your face.