Wednesday, December 31, 2008

i rock

Says the t-shirt of the overweight troll, lighting up a cigarette you know she doesn't need, as she walks out of Best Buy with her tubby hubby.

Actually you don't rock at all. You suck.

You suck horribly.

So horribly that I'm actually going to make a blog about this on the day of New Year's Eve.

How much of a slap in the face is that? A big one.

You're everything I hate about fat chicks that think they're cool.

Too tight t-shirt with lame saying on the front? check
Shitty alternabitch haircut? check
Douchebag boyfriend that's still 12 years behind anything remotely cool? check
Cancersticks? check
Shit eating grin, not from a genuine sneer, but rather from actually probably eating shit? check
Sitting at the bar, drinking white zin? check

You're not fooling anybody.


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

hip hop embraces my blog

Wow! This is great! I had no idea, but I guess somehow somebody snuck my blog onto the computer of some of today's hottest rappers! At first I was worried, but I rest a lot easier knowing that for the most part, the feedback has been great!

Read what hip hop is saying about my blog:

"This shit is gold; I should get some teeth made outta it"
-Lil John

" does not care about black people"*
-Kanye West

"Go shortie, it's ya blogspot. Go shortie, it's ya blogspot"
-50 Cent

" should be the next James Bond. RIP Biggie"
-P Diddy

*actually, we here at don't care about ANY people.

Monday, December 29, 2008

seems to have been some confusion

When I made that post a couple weeks ago about the best commercial ever, I was mistaken. If you don't lol @ 0:19, I'm not sure if there's anything we can do for you.

Friday, December 26, 2008

the crossing guard

Every morning on my way to work I drive through a school zone. I'm normally cruising along at like 80 in a 35 zone because my car is so goddamn fast & awesome, and I'm the fucking man.

But then I hit the school zone...and life creeps into a 15 mph hell.

Sometimes it even creeps into an 'extended wait at the stoplight while the little shits cross the street' type of hell.

I can't help but notice the crossing guards, and how seriously they take their job. This one bitch in particular, lol.

When it's time for these little kids to cross, this one broad puffs out her chest, and blows her whistle so goddamn hard that I have to give her the finger. She stomps out into the middle of the street like a twat on a mission - with both hands raised up at her sides giving the "stop!" or "halt!" sign. If this wasn't happening in the middle of some stupid road, I would guess that it would be in a circus or something.

Then when the kids finally cross, she walks back to her post - head down, all dejected and bummed, because her 60 seconds of being awesome* just came to an abrupt end. That, and the light just turned green, and she wants to get the fuck out of the road so she doesn't get run over.

Anyway, I was going to go into something about how if you're dumb enough to play in traffic, you deserve to get hit; but I honestly didn't feel like 'going there'.

*I use the word "awesome" very, VERY, loosely here. Also, I hope everybody had a safe and fun holiday. If not, that probably sucks.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

happy holidays!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but be safe, have fun, and enjoy your time off/with your family/crying yourself to sleep.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

an alarming trend

At my job I talk to a lot of receptionist-types. You know, chicks that answer the phones, then transfer me to whoever I'm trying to catch (usually presidents and CEO's cause i'm fucking baller).

It seems lately that when the receptionist tells me the person I'm looking for isn't around, they immediately follow it up with an offer to take a message.

I decline, then they offer again. I decline again, and ask what time I should call back. They ask if I'm sure I don't want to leave a message. I confirm that I am, in fact, sure.

This is when they usually get noticeably upset and shaken. Keep in mind that I do this over the phone, so there's no way to completely confirm that they are shaking with anger. But I can tell.

I have this one box I keep calling and she actually hung up on me because I wouldn't leave a message. Haha, so I called back and asked for whoever I was looking for, and when she told me that the dude wasn't available, I then asked to leave a message with her.

She was literally fuming - it was great!

Bottom line: Quit acting better than me, you're a fucking receptionist.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

that was an accident waiting to happen

- jokes the guy who, on his way out of the bathroom at work, almost crashed into me on my way INTO the bathroom at work.

*sniff, sniff*

Jesus Christ it smells like an accident already happened in here.

I could feel the post dump humidity this guy left for me. I could almost cut it with a knife.

It felt like Gainesville in August, in the bathroom here in Gainesville in November lol.

Monday, December 22, 2008

i used to be

I used to be a bitter asshole. In fact, for the most part I still am. Some have said that I have since chilled out a little. But only a little bit.

But after seeing this picture, how can you not be in a better mood for at least a couple minutes. It sure did make me lol. Almost brought out a little rofl.

Well, no more bitter asshole for the next 5-10 minutes.

Friday, December 19, 2008

bridges once burnt

True story.

Some of you may remember my story about my interaction with my cat. That's awesome - thanks for reading!

Some of you may not remember. And that's fine too.

Anyway, the bottom line is that my cat, whom I love and take care of (kind of) said something very hurtful to me. She whispered: "fuck you, your blog sucks". She has no idea how hard I work on this blog.

I may come across as insensitive and bitter, but still, I have feelings too. You know, I can understand why she would say something so hurtful: I picked her up by her head and let her dangle there. I would do this for minutes at a time. And I did this often, of course either when heckyeah-woman wasn't home or when she was sleeping. While it seemed funny to me at the time, I now realize this was one of the main things that is driving a wedge into my relationship with the cat.

I don't want her to hate me.

In the coming new year, I pledge to work on my relationship with Meow Meow. I promise to mend the fences that once stood so tall as a towering beacon of hope in a friendship that had limitless potential.

Our beautiful cat, some of you may recall, only has 3 legs. The first step I'm going to take to rekindle the flame of our friendship, that I know still has a spark, is to make her whole again.

I'm sorry Meow Meow, please forgive me. I hope you enjoy your Christmas present as much as I enjoyed giving it.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

reading a book

I am indeed reading a book. It's a long book too - about 450 pages. 450 PAGES!?!?! WHAT A BUMMER!

But you can only imagine the joy I felt when I picked up the book and saw that the last 125 pages or so are just notes. Who the hell reads the notes anyway?

Not this guy!

I am absolutely ecstatic to report that what I thought was once a 450 page book, is now just 326 pages of pure non-fictional literary joy.

But if you've been reading these blogs, you probably have a sneaking suspicion that uh, I can't read. In fact, I'm not exactly convinced that I can read much past a 5th grade level.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

i'm out this beotch

Seriously I am. I'm flying to Chicago this morning, then 2 hours later, right to Hong Kong. 15 hours straight. In an airplane.

I have been stressed out as shit over this flight. It's really taken most of the enjoyment out of anything I've done over the past month and a half. Except for this blog. I enjoy doing this blog.

Thank you for reading...I REALLY appreciate all the feedback and comments.

If for some reason I am not able to post any more (like if I die), I have blogs scheduled to be posted throughout the holidays. And then, that's it.

Look on the bright side, if I cease to post this blog any more, the internet could get a whole lot less misogynistic. That's good right?

Some may not be aware, but this will be the first Christmas for this blog. And if I die, it could be the last. Haha, pretty exciting stuff.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

i showed him

I had to drive across town this afternoon to hit up the chiropractor. Yeah, my back is a little sore, but the back pain isn't nearly as painful as living with the fact everyday, that you're still alive. That shit sucks, bro.

Anyway, I had to drive by the mall, and the traffic was just horrendous. It was like 4:15ish, so rush hour is just getting started.

Wait, rush hour in Gainesville? In fucking Gaines-goddamn-ville? Are you serious?

You're goddamn right I am.

I take pride in my driving, mostly cause I'm not a chick, but also because if someone is trying to get out of a parking lot or something, I'll let them in. I did that no less than 4 times today.

Guess how many times I was let in....yeah, zero.

Guess how many times I was almost T-boned by some shitdick switching least three.

Guess how many homeless people I almost ran over...2, but only because those little shits ran so fast.

I'm sure it didn't help that I was fucking around with my iPod while I was trying to drive lol.

Whatever, by the time I got to within a few blocks of where I was going, I was pretty pissed. Then all of a sudden it was like angels started singing, and like everything had kind of a golden glow to it.

I didn't know what was happening, but I felt like I didn't have a care in the world, like I could walk on water or some fucked up shit like that. There was something supernatural telling me to turn my head and look out my passenger-side window, into the car next to me. It was divine intervention.

So I look over into the car next to me, and what I saw was nothing short of ridiculous. Life changing.

This fucking douchebag looking rat fucker just screaming at the top of his lungs at this chick, she looked pretty scared. He was yelling and berating her and getting all kinds of pissed off over what sounded like them getting lost. Yo, I ain't a gamblin' man, but if they were lost, my money is on the chick was navigating.

Anyway, in this moment of clarity, I look over, toot my horn, and as they both look over, I look the guy straight in the eye, and give him the meanest middle finger that has ever been given. I mean, this middle finger had the strength of ten thousand pissed off dudes, and it meant serious business. And as icing on the cake for this little shit, I mouthed the words "fuck you".

As this fleeting moment of grace and divinity came to an end with the guy throwing his hands in the air like 'I give up', I got my green arrow, and made my left turn.

Fuck yeah.

Monday, December 15, 2008

lol @ facebook

Kelly Smith was tagged in a photo.

Yeah but when I'm taggin' bitches, it's usually in the back of my car or something.


Happy Monday!

Friday, December 12, 2008

just standing there naked

So, uuhh, this um guy that I, uh, know was in the bathroom, and he had just got done dropping one, and apparently he wanted to shave quick before he hopped in the shower.

Not a bad plan, right? Shave before the shower. Great.

So this guy gets off the can, and gets up in front of the sink/mirror/bathroom counter thing, and looks himself in the eye as he reaches for his shaving cream and razor. Not gonna lie, this dude flexed in the mirror a little bit too.

Out of the corner of his eye he notices this black furry thing hanging out on his pelvis. And in a matter of less than a second, a million things rush through his mind at once:

1. What the fuck is that?
2. There have been big ass spiders in this bathroom before!
3. Is that a big ass spider?
4. Holy shit!
5. What other bugs are big and black?
6. This is gonna be a good blog post!
7. How the fuck did it get on me?

Literally a millisecond later I swat this mystery fuzzy thing off my hip and it goes flying onto the bathroom counter only to be mashed like a potato by my jar of shaving cream. I slowly lift the jar off the mashed fuzzy thing, and...

It's just that, a goddamn piece of fuzz - about the size of a nickel. This all took place over the course of 1, maybe 2 seconds. Well except for the 'dropping one', that was a solid 45 minutes.

i care about you, or whatever

OK, here's the deal: I'm going to be compiling top 10, 7, 5, or however many, lists. Some of the things I'll be covering are: movies, tv shows, music, books, awesome things that happened, and anything else you can think of, etc...

The problem: I have a very limited memory and I don't remember nuthin'. If you would be kind enough to submit anything from the above categories that you hated or loved, in the comments section - that would be much appreciated. Remember, I need, and care about, your input.

This will surface sometime early in the new year as top ten lists. Won't it be great to look back and reflect on all the sweet things that happened in 08?

You bet it will.

PS - If I can get enough comments/input tomorrow morning/when I get bored at work, I'll post another blog. A good blog. So check back for hopefully a blog blah blah blah something about some dude standing there naked.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

gonna be a late one tonight, bob

How about instead of talking loud enough so that everyone can hear you telling Bob that you're going to be working late tonight, you just quit fucking around all day and get to work?

I've never seen more shitheads brag about being shitty at their jobs.

"Oh hey, I'm not competent enough to do my job in the 8 hours that you're paying me for, so I'm just going to stay late, and work for free"

What are you, a fucking charity?

But yo, I understand, some people truly do have mountains of work that cannot be done in the 8 hour workday. But could you imagine going to a job interview, and telling the potential employer that bullshit?

I've worked with people that never leave the office. They all have their own reasons. One guy hated his family lol. Another guy was going through a divorce and was too ashamed to drink alone at home, so he'd drink alone at the office. One dude just had his head up the bosses ass, and by default, stayed late every night.

And me? Well fuck, once the whistle blows at 5, I'm out the door on my way to a nice little place I like to call "just livin' my life, man".

people that enjoy being alive

...are people that are reading my blog.

Thanks for reading!

Today is Thursday. Yo I better be eatin some barbeque.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

i know a guy

Yeah, I know a guy. He's a graduate student. But he's not just any graduate student. No sir, his achievements in academia go above and beyond what most students can ever dream of achieving (except you heckyeah-woman, you're always number 1 babygurl).

This particular gentleman's peculiar brand of research is quite punctilious. You see, his research takes on a very phallic quality. This line of research, after knowing this dude, fits perfectly.

Well, what the hell kind of research does this dude do? In his own words, his research is essentially:

"measuring dicks"

No kidding, this is his job. Haha yeah, I didn't believe him right away either. I guess it's some shit about sexual predators and measuring their arousal. He made it sound really professional, and all for the betterment of society or some gay bullshit like that.

Anyway, the minute I learned that this is what he does, I immediately asked if they were hiring either test subjects, or specialized handlers.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

you want me to lift those weights for you, too?

I'm at the gym the other day destroying my lats with a punishing couple sets of pull-ups. It was awesome. Anyway, I see these 2 goofballs fucking around with one of the lat pull-down machines. I'm over here doing fucking pull-ups like a real man, and these 2 shitdicks are over there pussyfooting around with a goddamn machine.

Before I even think about using a machine, as opposed to free weights, I ask myself a few questions:

1. Am I a pussy?

2. Am I a woman?

3. Are all the free weight stations occupied?

4. How many people will see me using this shit?

5. Will I be doing tricep pulldowns?

If my answers to these 5 questions are no, no, yes, very few, and yes; than I'm good to jump on the machine for a few warm-up sets or something.

Anyway, so not only are these queefs using this lat pull down machine for heavy & 'serious' lifting, but it appears they have broken it. Yes, from my vantage point over by the squat racks, I can see that the chord has come off the pulley a little.

In most instances, I would fix this shit myself. Not the case for these 2 twinks. No, they went over and got the dude that was working the front desk to fix it.

Keep in mind this is the same guy (working the front desk) that, when I was in the baffroom changing and I notice the urinal overflowing I let him know; and his response to me was: "FUCK! not again".

I can only imagine what his response to these 2 vaghaters was.

If he's anything like me, he would have busted a vein in his forehead yelling at them:


Monday, December 8, 2008

i couldn't resist

I know I know, I just did an advice column like last week. But once you read through this "Dear Prudence", you'll understand why I had to tackle this serious issue. Anyway, I don't know, maybe I'll try to make this advice column a weekly thing or something.


I work in a small company of about 30 employees. My co-workers and I don't know what to do about our boss. Our company is in serious financial trouble. I make up the entire accounts payable/receivable department, and if it hadn't been for a big check we received from a company that owed us, we wouldn't have been able to send out our last payroll checks. I'm really worried about our boss' suicide "jokes." She frequently will jokingly ask me or another of my co-workers for a gun or a knife. She even crawled onto the windowsill in my office and had her bottom half hanging out until I grabbed her and pulled her back in. I told her recently that I was not going to take these questions as jokes anymore and that the next time she mentioned a gun or knife, I was going to call the suicide hot line. Her response was to walk over to my phone and say sarcastically, "Sure, let's do it now! I'll dial, you talk." She later came back and said, "I hope you know I'm never serious about that." One co-worker suggested we try to convince her brother to admit her to a psychiatric ward. But unfortunately she is the sole decision-maker regarding practically everything we do, so without her, I don't even know how we'd be able to run on a day-to-day basis. What should I do?
—Concerned Employee

Dear Concerned Employee:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Get that sand outta your vagina and get back to work! No but seriously, this is a perfect opportunity for you to advance your career.

Unless, judging by the dipshitedness of your questions, you enjoy running the same rat race to the finish line to shitville. You never know. Whatever, read on for the best career advice ever:

To put it simply, for the truly simple of heart and mind: if you're boss offs himself, this opens the door wide open for you to step up and fill those boss-ly shoes. And I bet those boss-ly shoes fit real good, don't they?

Can you do it, and step up and be an effective boss? Probably not, but has that ever stopped anyone from giving 'er the old college try? NO BITCH, it hasn't.

So lemme break it down for you: The next time your boss jokes about killing herself, or asks for a gun or a knife, be the catalyst for change. Help your company out, help yourself out. Nobody wants some depressed jackass running around talking about suicide. Well I do, but I'm a little different than most.

Help her take that extra step. Hand her that gun or knife. Give her that gentle push out the window.

There's 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth, and now is your time to knock one out of the park, or out the window lol. Are you gonna do what's best for you, or are you going to continue to be pushed around by a suicidal maniac?

The time to take control of your career is NOW! You see the economy. You know what's goin down (hint: and it better be your boss out the 10th story window).

You know what you have to do. Good luck.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

today is the sabbath

And I will treat it as such.

-Get up sometime after noon.
-Make some tea, prepare my fantasty football team for the weekly Sunday afternoon beatdown (givin' it, not gettin' it)
-Drink the tea I made while I contemplate what to have for my pre-workout meal
-Get pissed cause I'll be eating chicken in the foreman for the millionth straight Sunday.
-Cook chicken in foreman grill, and eat it
-Go work out
-Sit down for a fucking second, cause I've just been busting my ass for the last hour and a half.
-Think about dinner
-Play some guitar, play some drums
-Eat dinner
-Play some guitar, play some drums
-One of two things: Either have some whiskey, and watch a little football/TV; or head over to the bar a block away and attend the Sunday night jam session. This week will be the latter.
-Get home and go to bed immediately-
-Cry till I'm sound asleep
-If you've made it this far, you just read all that. lol.

Anyway, as you can see, I take my Sabbath's very seriously. I'm very finnicky about what I do on them.

Friday, December 5, 2008

so the other day I looked over at my cat

The following post is a truthful account of the events that happend on Saturday November 8th, around 5:30 PM.

Yeah so I was just sitting around, waiting for Heckyeah-woman to get home from school so we could go get some food. I had just gotten out of the shower, and I'm just dicking around on the internet to kill a few minutes, when I glance over at our 3-legged cat, Meow Meow. The following conversation ensued:

Cat (C): Quit looking at me you fucker (HYM): What? I just wanted to see if you were awake yet.

C: Why? So you can get up, come over here, and pet me? Put some clothes on you shithead.

HYM: Jesus, what kind of bug crawled up your ass today? Fine, I'll go put some jeans on.

C: Are you deaf you little turd? I said put some clothes on. Clothes. Not Clothe. Clothes. Plural. Multiple items of clothing.

HYM: Let's not get into semantics, Meow Meow.

C: It's a good thing Heckyeah-woman is the one in grad school, cause you'd fail miserably, dipshit.

HYM: How would you like to lose another leg?

C: I'd like to see you come over here and try, pussy.

HYM: Wait, you're calling me the pussy? Pussy. Remember the time I picked you up by your neck, and all you could do was cry?

C: I may be a pussy cat, but you're the only Pussy I see.

HYM: You wanna say that to my face, motherfucker?

C: I just did, but I'll gladly repeat it.

HYM: You don't have the balls.

C: No shit, I'm a female. I never had balls. Similar to you.

HYM: Yeah, you're right, you are a female. Why the hell aren't you in the kitchen baking me a pie? Bake me a pie, ho.

C: Give me a couple Whisker Lickins. (treat that she likes)

HYM: I'm not giving you shit. Remember that time Heckyeah-woman was out of town for a week, and I never fed you and kept you locked up in the bathroom all day? You remember?

C: Yeah that sucked.

HYM: Well that's gonna happen again if you don't shut your trap. Now go play in the garbage disposal, Heckyeah-woman's home and we're gonna go get some food.

C: *whispers* fuck you, your blog sucks.

I'll miss that cat.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

a couple days ago

I don't know, maybe it was a week ago. Maybe two weeks.

Nah, it was definitely within a week. Like, within the last 7 days.

You know, I bet it was even within the last 5 days. Kind of like within the last 5 business days. Yeah, this happened within the last 5 business days.

Would 5 business days make it a 'business week?' Or would it be 7 business days?

Well, within that last 5 business days there was one holiday (Thanksgiving), and one questionable holiday (Black Friday). So I'm not sure if it would truly be a 'business week', anyway.

Of course this all depends on when the event in question, happened.

So if this thing happened 5 business days ago, that could even possibly creep into 2 weeks ago, depending on your definition of a business day. What was once 'just something that happened a couple days ago' is turning into a real quandary for me to quantify. I'm not even sure I'd qualify it as a so-called 'event'.

It was more of a happening (no, not quite like the movie, The Happening by my boy M Night Shamalamadingdong). How do you constitute what qualifies as a 'happening' vs an 'event'? The short answer: you don't.

You're gonna have to just kind of wing it. OK, so here's my final statement on this 'occurrence'.

"It happened mid-last week, probably on Wednesday"

*please note this blog was originally written on Monday, December 1st. I would have posted it then, but you obviously saw the 3 gems I have posted it got pushed back to today, Thursday, December 4th.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

top ten list done right

So my buddy does a comic that's blowin' up yo. Check it out, . You can subscribe to an email thing where he emails the comic out to you every morning. Not only do you get a sweet comic, but you get tons of awesome spam too. Totally worth it though. Anyway, after seeing the success of my blog/how good looking I am, he started doing a blog with the comic. More specifically, a top ten list every Tuesday. Well, more like every other Tuesday.

On second thought, it happens so sporadically, you never know when it's coming. But when it does, look out. Cause lols will be had.

With that being said, his top ten today was the 'top ten he can do without for the holidays.' So I thought, why don't I make my own list of those very same reasons...

Why do the same thing twice, Mr. AwesomeBlogger?

The difference is that I'm not burdened by the weight of keeping it G-rated. Read on:

MY top ten reasons the holidays FUCKING SUCK:

10. Holiday cheer. What the fuck? You're happy about spending a shit ton of money on losers you don't even give a fuck about, just to avoid the social stigma of being labeled a holiday cheapskate? How the fuck can you still be smiling and cheerful? Oh I know, maybe you're smiling because you found a parking spot at the mall, survived the entire crowd of shitheads there, bought that fucking Wii, and managed to only waste a whole day shopping, and you managed to not go ballistic and kill fucking ANYONE.

9. Mariah Carey. Have you ever seen the cover of that holiday album she put out? That bitch fine. Not only is she NOT warming her little tush by MY fireplace, but she's married to that fucking douchebag, Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Seriously? Fuck the both of you.

8. Getting shitty gifts. Yo, I like free stuff as much as the next person, but I hate having to choke through fake smiles when I get something lame as shit. Yo, lets say 'fuck the gifts' this year, and take the money we would have spent and buy some nice shit for a local animal shelter, or fuck - let's get the family together and do something fun for a day.

7. Catching my Dad trying sneak out to shovel while I'm taking a shit. I'm from Wisconsin; it snows there. Now I live in Florida, where it doesn't snow at all. When I get back to my parents' place up north, there are two things I want to do: 1. Hang out with my fam, and 2. RUN THE FUCKING SNOWBLOWER. Bottom line: when it's winter time and snowing (or even if it just looks like it's going to snow), real men fire up the snowblower, just in case. Lucky for me, my Dad get's it. Unlucky for me, it's an epic battle for the snowblower anytime one of us thinks we see a cloud in the sky.

6. Flying. I FUCKING HATE FLYING. This should be number 1, but I already did the top 4, and I don't have the time or patience to change it. Flying is horrible; and I hate it. But it's shittiness is multiplied x 20 during the holidays. Long lines, crabby ass people, lost luggage; it's just a whole heap of no-fucking-thanks.

5. Christmas boners*. At home I walk around in my underwear, not giving a fuck whether or not I have morning wood. During the holidays, I stay with my parents or my brother. The last thing I want to have is my stepmom or brother's girlfriend walk in on your boy sporting a mammoth morning woody. Pokin' out eyes and shit.

4. All this Jesus bullshit. I don't give a fuck if you go to church. I don't give a fuck what you worship, or even if you worship at all. But what I do give a fuck about is when my ears are poisoned by your batshit rants about keeping the Christ in Christmas.

3. Christ in Christmas. Seriously? Is that even what CHRISTmas is about anymore? Maybe for some, but take a look around you goddamn son of a bitch (sweet Misfits reference). Yeah, I see some mangers and shit, but it should really be called CONSUMERmas.

2. Gifts. I fucking hate gifts. Giving them, buying them, everything. I make enough money where I can afford to buy whatever the fuck I want. I don't need you to feel like a martyr because you spent a lot of money and bought me some gay shit I'll never use. FUCK YOU.

1. Every holiday season, I remember that you haven't died yet.

*We here at 100% endorse boners of any kind; however, sometimes it's just not appropriate for others to recognize your chubby. As a man with virtually no shame at all, that little bit of shame I do have, deep inside, is reserved for my Christmas boners and/or boners around my family. I hope you understand.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

poor dog

So this morning I was driving to work. I was winding through may apartment complex parking lot, having just gone over a speed bump, a black dog (like the Led Zeplin song) jumps out in front of me. Jesus Christ I slam on the brakes and watch as this dog runs buy, chased by one of the stray cats.

Kind of lolworthy.

I pass by some car with some shithead sitting in it, with the front door open, putting on shoes or some weird shit. I flash him a look of disgust and continue on my journey out of the parking lot, and more importantly: over the last speed bump.

Crap, out of my rearview mirror I see that dog coming again, running towards me up the right/passenger side of my car. I go slowly over the last speed bumb, and watch as the dog approaches, stray cat in tow, again. lol.

I stop my car to let the dog go wherever he's gotta go.


The dog crashes into my car.

I get out to check on the dog, and I almost get run over by the damn dog either running from the crazy stray cat still chasing him, or trying to catch up with another one of my neighbors - walking THEIR dog. So yeah, the dog is fine.

So I peel the black dog off the other neighbor's dog (severe dog on dog humping had just occured), and she smiles and laughs about the dog running into my car.

I smile and laugh right back about how sweet my car is, and how that when stuff bumps into it, it usually just explodes from how awesome both me and my car are.

So anyway - great, now I'm stuck with some dog without an owner. I check the collar, and I see the address and a phone number. But before I can do anything, I see some broad in the next parking lot over, and I yell: "Hey trick is dis yo dog, ho?"

She yells back: "NO!"

Then I see that same shithead from before that was sitting in his car picking his feet or something, and I yell at him: "Hey dickydoo, is this your dog?"

Him: "blargh mumble mumble"

Me: "Is this your fucking dog, you stupid goddamn sack of shit?"

Him: "yeah"

Me: "you fucking retard, here's your dog"


So yeah, this morning was 'like, totally crazy man'.

Monday, December 1, 2008

a misnomer

Well her name wasn't Princess Live, was it?

omgwtflolz amirite or amirite?