Friday, October 31, 2008

the controversial survey

You know how people are always doing lame ass surveys on myspace, and then posting them as bulletins? Well I'm going to do one. This one is called 'the controversial survey'. There's really only one question I wanted to answer, and I'm sure you'll know which one it is when you get there (hint: it's about fire). So fuck it, I just answered all the questions!

[1] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?
...Heckyeahman grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Short answer: yes.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?

[03] Abortion: for or against it?
...Personally would never have one, but yo, if you want to kill a baby that's just going to take up space in this already overpopulated world, be my guest.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
...Nah, I'm more worried about a socialist-lite president...that's happens to be a dude.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?
...I believe almost everybody should die soon.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
...Yeah legalize that shit so I can quit my job and legally get fucked up all day without having to worry about getting busted by the popo.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?
...What the fuck? Seriously? Bitches B linin' up. You tell me.

[08] Do you believe in God?
...You're GODdamned right I do. I am GOD. I run this shit. Fuck off.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
...You're damn right I do. Yo, the more gay dudes there are, the less straight douchebags I have to worry about tryin to pimp on the poon I rightfully claimed.

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the US?
...Fuck yeah I think it's wrong for people to break the law! What the fuck. Speak English or die motherfucker.

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby,should she keep it?
...Kill the parents, and sterilize them. They should not be allowed to have kids until they can raise their own properly.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
...I think it should be lowered to 12.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?
...It should have never started, but since it's raging, might as well kill as many as possible...kill as many non Americans. America FUCK YEAH!

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
...You have no idea how badly I would like to help people die.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?
...You're damn right I do. I ain't raisin' no pussy ass kids.

[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
...Fuck you, I'd burn you for a million dollars. Hell, I'd burn you for free. I'd burn just about anything for a cool mill.

[17] Who do you think would make a better president - McCain or Obama?
...Neither, they're both horrible. hEcKyEaHmAn 08 fUcKeRz

[18] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
....I will be doing the JUDGING here. I and judge YOU, worthy of immediate death.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

around afternoontime

Just got off the phone with some bitch, and when I asked her when I should call back, she told me to call back Tuesday, around afternoontime. Yeah, like all one word.

What the fuck does 'afternoontime' mean?

So, I could call back sometime after noon. Like 12:01, or like 1PM EST? Or maybe later like 3:30 PM.

7 PM is technically after noon, but most would call that simply, evening. Should I call then? What if I called at like 5 AM on Thursday morning? That's AFTER noon on Tuesday. Not sure if it qualifes for AFTERNOONTIME, though.

Yo skeezer, just a little bit of advice: please speak fucking English when you're at work. And that does not mean just stringing together a couple words.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

just trying to have fun, man

I just read some article about how some running back for some shitty football team scored a touchdown, and then did a particularly humorous celebration...and then he got fined 10 large for the celebration in question. Pocket change for him, and me too motherfucker. Anyway, the article was online and there were a bunch of comments from riled up sports fans posting from their mom's basement.

Here is one comment from some butthurt loser that caught my attention (fyi: Johnson is the running back, and Goodell is the NFL commish):

dpz540 (10/24/2008 at 12:14 AM)
Welcome to the No Fun League Mr. Johnson. Does Goodell have to fine a certain amount of players each week to make himself feel like he is doing something. I really did enjoy the celebrations it shows that they the players really enjoy what they do.

HOLD UP Mr. dpz540. First, you use even worse grammar than your boy, heckyeahman...and then you write that you enjoy seeing that NFL players enjoy doing what they do? Why do you give a fuck if they enjoy anything? These motherfuckers get paid more for one quarter of a game, than either of us are going to make all year. Well, maybe not me, haha but still.

I would have totally posted a comment, but every time I try to post one on a site like that (youtube, cnn, espn, etc..) it always get's rejected due to "racist or offensive language."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

i just wanted to apologize

I just wanted to apologize for nailing your girlfriend bro. Are we cool?

Yeah, well here's the thing: I'm not going to actually say I'm sorry, or apologize. Rather, I'm going to merely state my intent to apologize - without actually apologizing.

What a bitch move.

Another one that pisses me off, like when I'm flying, is the "excuse me sir, I'm going to have to ask you to remove your headphones."'re telling me that you're supposed to ask me to remove my headphones, but you're not going to ask? Like I'm supposed to 'read between the lines.'

Sorry bitch, I just paid $50 to check an extra bag, in addition to the absurd prices for the airline ticket. I think I reserve the right to not have to 'read between the lines.'

I'm going to go ahead and tell you that you're a fucking retard.

wait for it...

wait for it...

You're a fucking retard.

Monday, October 27, 2008

new website

OK, I don't really want to share this idea with the general public, but I feel like I've really hit gold here. I discovered an idea that could literally change the face of web-surfing in the very near future.

Walk with me through this windy trail of imagination. All I'm asking you to bring is an open mind as I paint a picture of a beautiful website - a beautiful website that can, and will, change your life.

Some of you may remember that palinaspresident website, right? The one where it's just a picture of her, and you move your mouse around and click on stuff to get all that kooky stuff she's said and wants to do. Yeah well, I'm not going to link it here, because this post is all about me. That's right, I'm all about me right now.

Well, I'm going to go ahead and take it one step further. That's right you shithead, I'm going to blatantly rip off a pre-existing thing, and just make it better.

I'm going to take a picture, and make it a website. It can be any picture. And then like when you hover your mouse over things, it'll light up like if you click on it something will happen. Like even when you hover, in the lower left hand screen of the computer, it'll say some web address URL thing.

But then when you click on it, nothing happens. You'll think that you just missed it, and click again. Nothing happens. Frustrated, you'll hover over another item on the website or picture, and click on that. Nothing. You see the cursor light up like it was a real link. You see the little URL in the bottom left hand corner of the screen. You keep clicking.


Frustrating, isn't it? Yeah you bet it is.

Are you envisioning what I'm envisioning? It would be like an amazing website of frustration. Like a chick with a bikini on, and every time you click, the bikini goes off a little bit, but no matter how much you click, you're never gonna see nipple.

But what would be the point? Wouldn't people just get frustrated and go to a different website?

Yeah but it would be pretty funny to like have a hidden camera somewhere and watch some acne ridden teenage losers keep clicking on it, in the hopes of seeing a little titty.

We could turn this into a TV show, I could write a book about it. Hell I could even write an article in the newspaper about it. I could send like press releases to computer nerd magazines. This thing could go global.

Don't even think about stealing my idea.

Friday, October 24, 2008

i'm a woman

Well I'm not, but that's what the chick on the other line just told me, after I called her "sir"... multiple times.

Yo gurlie, you might wanna lay off the whiskey and smokes, and quit gargling glass. Though I'm sure your gravelly ass voice is beyond help at this point.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

borderline absurd

I was just pondering what happened at work the other day: I was on the phone with some customer trying to get him to sign a contract, and here I am in my office listening to some death metal. I'm talking ridiculous riffs, belching vocals, and brutal blasting.

Basically, I just got paid to listen to some retard gurgling about killing goats or something.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

another denny's post

OK, check this. It's Saturday morning, and we're heading back home from Orlando, and we just get on I-75. After much debate over where to stop for food, I give in, and agree to stop at a Denny's. Heckyeahwoman loves Denny's.

Yo, I was hungry. We see a Denny's at an exit in a city called Wildwood. I know, right. Wildwood: where my wood runs wild. Ok, I'm babbling.

So we're pulling into the Denny's on this beautiful Saturday morning, and the first thing I notice is the lack of parking spaces. There were a lot of cars there, yo I'm thinking it was pretty busy. I ain't got time to wait, and I got things to do in Gainesville.

Whatever, so we head inside to check it out. I see a bunch of people seated in the waiting area, and I immediately mutter to myself, "jesus christ".

We walk up to the "lady" at the cash register and I say, "just a table for 2 please".

This haggard shemale looking thing looks at me, then glances over towards the group of mouthbreathers seated in the waiting area and replies, "it'll be a bit".

Disgusted, I ask, "how long is the wait?"

Before it can even finish its' sentence, I cut her off as I chuckle to myself, "so you're telling me people actually willingly wait in line to eat Denny's?"

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

my first job

I worked at Dairy Queen for close to 5 years. It was an awesome place to work. The owner was a nice guy, and well, I worked at Dairy Queen. How could that not, not suck? The dude genuinely loved Dairy Queen, and at the time I thought it was kind of cheesy. But looking back now, it must be pretty awesome to be that stoked to go to work every day.

Unfortunately, I was a little brat when I was younger.

Mr. Dairy Queen owner, if you're out there, I'm sorry for being a dick.

Monday, October 20, 2008

another birthday

I'd like to send a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY out to heckyeah-MOM. Yeah you guessed it - it's my mom's birthday today.

So Mom, if you're reading this, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Also, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. Please don't blame yourself for my failures illustrated by my daily posting in this blog.

I don't know, uhhh, just like, uhhh blame Dad or something.

traffic jam

Yeah man, there was a big ass traffic jam on the way to Orlando. Right there on I-75. I have no idea what caused it; and I don't particularly care. It was probably some young punks that were driving too fast and they lost control. Who cares. Whenever I'm stuck in a brutal traffic jam, like really brutal - where all I see are brake lights - the first thing I think is:

"Fuck, what a pain in the ass. Somebody better be bleeding or dying."

It's true, if I'm going to inconvenienced by sitting on the highway going nowhere, somebody better be paying for this shit. With their life.

I ain't got time for traffic jams. And I ain't got time for people to not be dyin'.

Friday, October 17, 2008

john mccan't

Mr. McCan't just busted this gem out this week:

"Let me give you the state of the race today. We have 22 days to go. We’re 6 points down. The national media has written us off. Senator Obama is measuring the drapes, and planning with Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid to raise taxes, increase spending, take away your right to vote by secret ballot in labor elections, and concede defeat in Iraq. But they forgot to let you decide. My friends, we’ve got them just where we want them."

Wait. Hold up, hold up. Wait a minute. After all that time you've spent campaigning, and now it's down to just 3 weeks before the election, and you're losing. Bigtime - cause I'm pretty sure you're down by more than just 6 points. And let me get this straight, you're happy with that? You want your opponent to be ahead of you down the final stretch?

Let me put this into perspective for you non-politicos out there:

That's like Dale Earnhardt getting excited about having a broken seatbelt.

That's like on the day I get married, being stoked that my bride-to-be just blew all of my best men.

Mr. McCrap, I just have one question for you: Yo dude, are you fucking retarded?

Here's the article (I know I know, lol @ getting politics from cnn/ny times, etc...but this was a no-brainer for a blog):

*Sorry, this article was from Monday, and I had other blogs to post before this. While this post maybe running a little behind, it's heart is still in the right place.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

sandwiches that make you melt!

Ponder that for a minute.

That was a line from a Denny's menu - advertising some new melts they are featuring on the menu. Yes, I realize that I was inside a Denny's. I wasn't stoked, but I was making the best of the situation. Lucky for us, the best of the situation is this blog.

Anyway, could you imagine eating something that would MAKE YOU MELT? Could you imagine being melted? Like actually melting. That would suck.

Not sure if I'd rather be melted, or fed feet-first into a wood chipper.

What do you think? Would you rather have me be melted, or fed to a wood chipper?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

sarah palin spoke to me

It's true. When she had that stupid debate, it's like she was speaking right to me. Most people heard some retard answering the lame canned questions, with canned answers.

Not me.

No, I heard much more than that.

Don't worry, it's worksafe! (and it may take a second to load)

Create your own, and post them in the comments!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

one (1) item for sale

Yeah, I'm trying to clean my closet out a little. So for the next couple weeks you may be seeing a post or two about various items I'll be selling. If you can help out, that's great; if not, that's cool too.

For a limited time only, I will be selling MY BLESSING. That's right, for just $59.95 (or best offer), I will offer you MY BLESSING. This can be a BLESSING for whatever you want. I would prefer if it was something positive, but if you wish it to be for the detriment of another person, I will understand.

What you get:

-one (1) actual email or phone call where I ask you what you would like BLESSED, and then I proceed to formally BLESS it. If you live in town, I will offer my BLESSING in person; it's just gotta be in a public place, during the day (I'm not sure what kind of sketchy ass nutjobs are going to want to buy a BLESSING from some loser on the internet).

If I am not able to sell this, I will be forced to put it on ebay.

Please leave all offers in the comments sections. Make sure to leave contact info so I know where to contact you for payment, and for providing the actual blessing.

Monday, October 13, 2008

last 8 years under bush

Yo, people keep hating on my man G-Dubya, but check this, I got like 3 or 4 good reasons why he's the man:

Money. I've made like 15 times more money since he's been president.

Chicks. They started lining up once he took office. That didn't last long, but still.

Fun. I partied more, had more vacations, and had more fun than any other time in my life.

College. I graduated college during his tenure. That impresses people.

Dope rides. I have had one undeniably dope ride, and one questionably dope ride since 2k yo.

Debt. I paid off ALL my debt while my boy was presiding over the presidency.

Work. Damn, I guess I do work a lot more now, since he took office. That kinda blows.

Snorting blow off a hooker's ass. I have yet to do this, but yo, I initially got the idea while you-know-who was president.

The verdict: Thanks G Dub, even though you were a horrible president, you have definitely improved my life!

Friday, October 10, 2008

i care about you

That's not true, but I do care about your opinions. And feelings. That said, I'm noticing a sharp drop off in commenting recently. And that ain't cool. I really do appreciate when anybody comments, well except for that one dude who I had to delete, sorry broski.

Feedback is good!

Though I did turn commenting off temporarily; it's back on now...and has been for a week! So feel free to let me know if you laughed, cried, got into a horrible car accident and are now a cripple, or whatever.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!

let's be serious for a moment

Seriously stoked for me to be heading down to Orlando to catch my main man Danzig this evening. And I can't wait. True story.

Please join me in celebrating the first couple Danzig albums:

If this video doesn't pump you up, you best be pullin them dicks outta your ears. I woulda put "Long Way Back From Hell" up on here, cause that song rips too, but there's no official video, and the one's on youtube were mad whack.

Hey, maybe you don't like "Danzig the musician", then you best be giving "Danzig the literary expert" a chance:

My favorite quote: "...lots of great werewolf stories in here, all documented, all true".

Anyway, it's almost the weekend, have fun!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

joining a new gym

So a couple months ago, I decided to possibly join a new gym. I love my current gym, but the price went up a little to maybe make it worth it to pay even a little more, to get like basketball courts or a pool or something else I would never use. Whatever.

I checked out a local health club thing online and just clicked on some 'contact us' link. I just had a few questions about membership costs and charges. The next day I get an email back from one of the trainers/sales reps that work there. She answered all my questions, and offered a couple free training sessions if I joined. And as luck would have it, she had a woman's assuming she was a woman, I shot back a reply email - thanking her for her quick response, and asking her the only logical question that I would possibly need to know:

"Are you hot?"

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

my first top ten

Yeah, I'm going to do a top ten list. Nothing really that consequential, but probably worth a brief read.

The Top 10 Things I Will Never Give the satisfaction, you fucking twink the shirt off my back

8...up or give in

7...a fuck about YOU my extra kidney - to save your life, motherfucker to 'the man' charitable causes, fuck you

3...a second thought to squashing you like the cockroach you are a chance to explain yourself, and your unparalleled levels of douchebaggery


1....a shit about your day


my birthday

For the past 27 years of my life my birthday has been in July. I like July; and I like the timing of my birthday - thanks Mom & Dad! Over the last couple of years, haha more like 4 or 5, I've noticed a bit of dwindling excitement over my birthday - on my end. I just don't get excited over it as much as I used to. Maybe it might be kind of fun to have a birthday in the Spring. Who doesn't like spring? Shitheads, that's who. Maybe this will kind of, maybe...I don't know, rekindle that birthday spark that I seem to be missing.

What better way to enhance the warm, fuzzy feelings that spring brings, than by celebrating my very own birthday in Spring. What about like April or May? 2 great months where great things happen. The weather warms up, the snow melts, birds are chirping, bitches are wearing less clothes; spring is great.

This year I think I'm going to go ahead and reserve May 3rd as my new date of birth. We will celebrate merrily.

Monday, October 6, 2008

more advice from ur boi


Help me figure this out. Over the last couple of years I have met and dated quite a few guys. They all shared a similar trait. They would ask me out for a "week date" not a "weekend date." I always thought this was very odd.

I met someone recently and, unlike with guys before, it seems to be going well so far. He calls when he says he's going to, emails daily, and always makes plans to meet up. We've met on a couple of Friday nights and a couple during the week. We had plans made a couple of times for the weekend, but they had to be rescheduled. It seems like he's more interested in getting together during the week. And, might I add that he is pretty busy. He's a really nice guy and I enjoy hanging out with him. I think he's still getting to know me and isn't ready to devote his weekend time to me just yet. Any advice?— Weekday Dater? advises:

Dear Weekday Dater,

It's simple, give him a reason to think you're gonna put out during the weekend. We at exclusively reserve our weekends for blasting chicks. If you don't make the cut, yo, get at me Monday through Thursday. And hey, if you even think about buggin' me on my sabbath, you best be thinkin' again. My sabbath is reserved for me.

Now GTFO and go earn your man.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

revisiting my chinese friends

You bet I am. Booked our tickets last night, and we're leaving December 17 or something. Some of you may or may not know, but my Mom moved to China about a year ago. My Mom is pretty awesome and she loves it. We were there like back in 97 or 98 and it was dope.

I can only imagine the blogs when I get back. Lot's of blogging about rice, noodles, fortune cookies, and people shorter than me. No but seriously, I'm going to be on a plane for like 15 hours straight. Holy shit I hate flying. Not only that, but I'm scared of dem heights yo.

I really don't believe it's natural for people to be 30,000 feet above a man made device. If we were supposed to fly, I'm sure we would have been born with wings. I mean, look at birds. They fly - they were born with wings. Look at fish. They don't fly - they don't have wings. See the connection? I do.

Friday, October 3, 2008

christmas break '99

So here I am, a freshman in the local community college, still living at home. Things are going alright, I've got enough booze to last through break, and maybe beyond. Tonight I'm gonna have my buddy over; he's home for break, and we're gonna drink some 40's, listen to some tunes, and play some Tony Hawk. Keep in mind, this is when the Tony Hawk video games just came out and I had just gotten it on my We actually spent a couple nights that break doing these exact same activities, good times indeed.

We'd been drinking for a couple hours having a good time, my crazy girlfriend at the time called a couple times but I told her I was busy - that, or just didn't answer. Whatever, we're just drinking at my place, no biggie. My brother even popped in and out, and played a couple games and had a little to drink with us. Finally it's like midnight or 1, and we decide we're hungry. Shit, lets make a frozen pizza. We didn't have any at my place, so my buddy says he's got one at his place. Luckily he just lives a couple houses down. We made the trek over, with 40's in hand. But right before we left, the gf calls again. I told her our plans, and that I was just gonna go to bed after we ate. Yo trick, I'll holler at your bitch-ass tomorrow. She sounded weird, kind of angry...

Over at my buddy's house we're eating, drinking and just marinating. We finish our 40's, my buddy gets a call from his gf, he tells me he's gonna take it and go to now it was about bedtime anyway. That's cool, so I bundle up and make the short walk back home.

Just a couple steps into my walk I see a familiar car pulling out of my driveway. Jesus Christ it's my fucking girlfriend. This bitch is nuts. She's backing out, and must have seen me because she turns around and starts driving towards me. I'm just hoping she didn't call my house anymore because my mom was sleeping. So I wave at her, thinking she'll come get me and maybe I can blast this psycho quick. Not a bad way to end the night. This was NOT the case.

She's heading towards me, on the left side of the road...the side I was walking on...

Oh shit she's heading for me.

She's not slowing down, and creeping EVEN farther on the left side of the road. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

I'm waving, not yelling though, cause it's like 2AM and I don't want to wake the neighbors.

Does this bitch not see me or what?


FUCK THIS I do a fucking army roll over the snowbank into one of my neighbors yards just as she swerves away from me.


Thinking back, me leaping the snowbank must have looked pretty awesome. I did a somersault over this huge snowbank. I get up and there she goes down the road. My heart is racing like a mile a minute. Some people get their thrills by skydiving, or jumping multiple schoolbusses on motorcycles; I apparently get my rocks off by dating absolute lunatics of evil.

Not surprisingly, this was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

Do I really think she wanted to run my drunk ass down? Nah. Do I think she has the mental capacity to do something like that? FUCK YEAH I do. This bitch is batshit crazy. You wouldn't believe some of the shit she pulled. Another blog for another day, my friend

Some of you may have heard this story, and possible future stories, sorry.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

great, i look forward to hearing from you

...and by that I mean that I hope you die soon.

boners at work

So I was just going through our database at work, and I came across a customer called The Boner Group.

That's probably the best business name I've ever seen.

The Boner Group. With a name like that, I'm surprised I don't work there.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

we've gone legit

It's true, we're legit now. has business cards. And everybody knows that if you have business cards, you're legit.

Yeah you know how we do.

So legit.