Tuesday, September 30, 2008

you are what you eat

Wait, so that would make me a deliciously brutal combination of buffalo wings, pieces of shit like you for breakfast, and souls, right?

Monday, September 29, 2008

the patented face

Some of you may know me in real life (sorry), some of you may not. You may have noticed I have posted the occasional picture of myself. Something else you might have noticed is the facial expression that I consistently make. My facial expression. This face has almost become synonymous with heckyeah-man, sawtooth, me, and whatever else I do. What is this face?















Yes, that is heckyeah-woman making a rare blog-appearance. The other gentleman shall remain nameless (like the hatebreed song).

Another better shot:

















Clearly you can see this is *my* face. The reason for this post is simple: I was perusing through my record collection and I stumbled upon an insert that had a band member - band and member will remain nameless (again, like the hatebreed song) - making this very same face. Sorry bro, but this shit is copyrighted by heckyeah-man.i'llcutyou.com, and if I catch this shit happening again I'm gonna mash you like the little potato you are.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

it would be a great statement

I was watching a Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays game on TV the other night. Not sure if you've been following, but they've never won more than 70 games in a season (that's less than .500) haha. It's been pretty exciting for sure. They've just won their division and are going to the playoffs, and maybe even the World Series. They have one of the smallest payrolls in baseball. Pretty impressive.

Anyway, they just won the season series with the Boston Red Sox, and one of the announcers says something like: "What a great statement it would be if the community would come out to the game tomorrow, and the next couple days and show their support."

Wait, what?

You want the community - the fans, the ones that pay the salaries of the ridiculously overpaid players, managers, and owners - to pay the retardedly high ticket prices, just to show support? Support for professional baseball players that make enough goddamn money to buy their own goddamned support.

FUCK YOU ANNOUNCER. And you know what else? Fuck you baseball.

$7 beers

$3 hot dogs (this is fine, cause I love hotdogs at baseball games, but still)

$25 Rays t-shirts. Fucking T-shirts


You sonsabitches should be ashamed of yourselves.

Friday, September 26, 2008

iguanas are invading

I just saw some news story about how iguanas are all over the place in Boca Raton, FL. It was pretty cool actually, iguanas just chilling out on the side of the road. Literally, big ass iguanas were everywhere. One resident that was interviewed said something about how it's dangerous with all those iguanas - they could attack children and small dogs. Yeah, iguanas are actually herbivores. They interviewed another resident and she said something profound about how she "hopes the people in power start to notice this."

Notice what? A couple extra lizards just marinatin' in the sun?

WHAT THE FUCK

Me? I hope the people in power notice, and do something about:

the economy

the housing/mortgage crisis

the national debt

creationism being taught in public schools

my constitutional rights being used as toilet paper

you know, things that actually affect my life, that matter...I could go on...

There are people in this country that actually still care whether 2 dudes get married, like it has any effect on anyone else's life, whatsoever...and this broad wants to talk about lizards. Lady, you're the reason we're stuck in this 2 party system where the people in power just keep bending us over.

Iguanas > fat retards

Thursday, September 25, 2008

i went to a concert last night

That's right. I sure did. Anyway, the band was great, and we all had a great time. I think the pinnacle of the night may have been me handing the singer of the band my business card. This wasn't just any business card; it was a heckyeah-man.blogspot.com business card. You bet I did. I got them shits ordered online and shipped right to my office for like $6. Pics of business cards coming soon.

If you can't dig these tunes, you may want to pull the dicks out of your ears and listen again.

Here, watch this video:



And here's the myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/thegaslightanthem

happy birthday heckyeah-woman!

TODAY IS HECKYEAH-WOMAN'S BIRTHDAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

lol, I don't think she's reading this.

the advice column redux

You might remember a few posts back I posted my first advice column ever. M.H. from Cincinatti had written in to some msn.com advice thing looking for advice...and like an eagle, I poached that juicy nugget of vulnerability and offered my own real world solution. As luck would have it, somehow, some way, M.H. got her eyballs onto that very blog! True story, she read my advice, and from the looks of her response letter, she really took to heart what I had to say. Very sweet lady, she sounds very appreciative.

Lucky for all of you, I have a scanner and can digitally reproduce that very letter that she sent me:
















Nothing but the best of wishes for you and your husband, MH! Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

the gatekeeper

So we went to this party on Friday night (like 2 weeks ago by now). And we had to get through the gatekeeper to get to it. The party was at this chick's apartment, and it was a very nice apartment. Very fancy, very high brow - well till we showed up. Anyway, the dude at the gate had like 2 inch long eyebrows, and we pull up, he asks for the drivers name, and he starts giving it. Finally, the gatekeeper is trying to figure how to spell it and write it down (cause it's a fucked up name for sure), when finally he just tells my brah to spell it. Midway through my buddy spelling his name, I say with a chuckle: "dude give him your real name".

At this point the gatekeeper flips out and I lean over and say "hey gatekeeper dude, I'm sorry, I was just messing around". We handed him our ID's and had to listen to him go on a 3 minute speech about how if anything happens tonight, "it's his fuckin ass on the line". And he's "just tryin ta do his fuckin job". Whatever, I apologized and we got the fo outta there. We had a good chuckle after we were a safe distance.

Oddly enough, upon leaving, my clearly intoxicated friend forgot to turn his lights on as we were heading out. Luckily for us the gatekeeper yelled in a cranky old-man voice: "YER LITES".

haha, omg we had plenty of lites, miller LITES. omg amirite or amirite.

That's when we learned why the gatekeeper is the gatekeeper.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

gettin' to be that time again.

It's true; I'm fixin' to get a haircut this weekend. I sure hope I can find a Great Clips coupon laying around. Riiiiight, like I don't horde those things like crazy. I guess more than hoping for a coupon, I'm hoping I don't get that beast looking broad to cut my hair. Damn, bitches be haggard.

Full update on the haircut can be expected Monday morning at O eight hundred hours, mate.

I just read an article on the Amish

Yeah, Amish home building I guess is a booming business. They use old techniques that churn (like butter hahaha) out great, long lasting houses. Another big thing is that they don't have any middlemen, they do everything themselves, and so the prices are lower. But what got my attention was that the Amish don't use electricity or things like phones, computers, power tools, or uhh, like, CARS. So how do they get around that?

They have friends that do the 3 dimensional drawings on computers.

They are permitted to use cell phones for business.

They "borrow" and use friends' power tools.

They have their clients drive them, or they get taxi's.

To me that's just the same as using the damn things themselves. Like what the fuck? It's ok to piss on your beliefs if you're making money? What is this world coming to when you can't even trust a goddamned Amish pilgrim to stick to their principles? I thought they were the last beacon of hope and ethics, in this world gone to straight hell in a hand basket.

Way to totally sell out on your principles for a fucking dollar, you fucking creepy retard mutant shitheads.

Monday, September 22, 2008

double bag it please

I'm sure by now you've seen those cloth grocery bags that most grocery chains are selling, right? So I was at the grocery store this morning and the cashier asked me if I'd like to BUY one of those lame cloth grocery bags. Are you fucking kidding me?

So I told him to fuck off, and then double bag it, and THEN put each double bagged grocery bag into a paper bag. I'm all about helping the environment, but not at the expense of my pocketbook, or at the financial gain of some faux-green, money-making scam from a huge grocery chain. Like Publix.

Fuck you Publix.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

can you, haiku

my mother spoketh

to me she said: son, you are

mad retarded yo


True story. Also a true story is that not only am I world renowned musician and artist, but I also dabble in poetry and haikuing. Is this not the face of a true artist? You be the judge.

Photobucket

Yeah, we're posting on the weekends now. What's up.

Friday, September 19, 2008

yet another day at the office

I decided that my earlier post from today wasn't really up to snuff. So I'm going to bust out one from the vaults. Enjoy.

So I had to call a customer who was furiously behind on a bunch of payments. The reason a customer would buy my product in the first place, is because it provides a return on investment...you know, you get more back than what you pay. This particular customer does very well with us, and he pays (haha or is supposed to pay) about $270 a month. The business we bring him is over $1500 each month. Not a bad deal, right? Anyway, here is how the conversation went:

Me: Yeah you're past due like $1300 for like 5 months, bro. Watdafuxupwitdat?

Him: I'm sorry, we changed management, and we're having serious cash-flow problems. We had to choose between paying the electricity bill to keep the lights on, taking care of pay roll, and you guys. Sorry, but we had to keep the lights on, and pay our employees; we could barely cover that. You guys got bumped, hopefully next month.

Me: So is there anyway you can send at least a partial payment?

Him: No I'm sorry, maybe in a couple months.

Me: You do realize that we sent you to a collections agency at the end of August; and we discontinued your service September 1st?

Him: Yeah, I'm sorry, my hands are tied.

Me: That's too bad, you're going to lose all that revenue that we brought you. Do you have a way of making up all that revenue?

Him: Yeah that sucks, your product really paid for itself.

Me: ...

i recently viewed another movie


You know how every once in a while I bust out a rant about some movie I've recently seen? Well this post isn't so much a rant, as it is a dull narrative on one of my last cinematic experiences. Sorry.

We recently watched Dan in Real Life the other day. Haha, you bet we did. And you know what? It was good. More importantly, it had a happy ending. Now if only the shitheads that wrote No Country For Old Men & There Will Be Blood could learn a thing or two about how to properly end a movie, there would be a few less over-hyped shitty movies polluting my movie-viewing time.

On a lighter note, I have 2 fandango passes to see a movie at the local cinemaplex movie viewing center. Not quite sure what to see, but rest assured: it will most likely be chock full of mindless violence, thin on plot, and thick on the awesome.

And on an EVEN lighter note, last night I watched one of the most retarded/awesome movies I have ever seen. There's gonna be a post about this particular movie in the near future.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

what can brown do for you?

Like 2 years ago my mom sent me a package from UPS. This isn't just any package my mom sent, it was rumored to have homemade Halloween cookies and brownies in it. Of course UPS screws up and doesn't leave the package at my door -when they came and nobody was home. Naturally, knowing there tendency to screw up, I left a note both times so that they just leave the package. Sorry, I have to work all day. And being the dumb shits that they are, they leave nothing. So I call the UPS office here in the 'ville and not only will it be closed by the time I get there, it's waaaay on the opposite corner of town. Not gonna lie, the discussion got a little heated:


Me: So because you guys messed up, I have to take time out of work to go all the way out by you to pick up my package?


UPS: I'm sorry, but if you don't come by tomorrow at 5PM, it's going to be shipped back to the sender.


Me: I honestly don't have time tomorrow, can I have it rescheduled to ship to my office? Nobodies going to be home tomorrow until after like 4:30. I know you won't just leave it.


UPS: I'm sorry sir, what time is the best for us to have it shipped to you?


Me: I just said that nobody will be at our apartment tomorrow, nobody will be ho-YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU. WHY DON'T YOU OPEN UP THE GODDAMN PACKAGE AND EAT THE FUCKING BROWNIES YOUR GODDAMN SELVES. MY MOM MADE THEM AND SHE'S A GOOD COOK.


Oddly enough, the package came like right when heckyeah-woman was getting home. I guess they sent 2 UPS dudes cause they thought I might get hostile. What a bunch of pussies.

found some old pictures of myself

1958



















1981
Wow, seeing these pictures again is like a journey back down memory lane. Maybe I'll be able to unearth a few more of these gems. Only time will tell.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

let's start a new trend

It's called "everybody wash your hands after you use the bathroom."

And we'll start at my office.

Monday, September 15, 2008

a man and his art

Not only do I blog, but I do art as well. I threw this little bad boy together on a flight from Rome to Brussels to debut at some fancy art show in Paris. Not a big deal, I was drinking some champagne and wearing a luxurious robe. It's not totally finished, but I know most of you have been dying for a glimpse into my artistic genius/retardation.



awesome picture

Sorry the image came out kind of messed up - it was originally pretty huge and I had to crop it down.



Friday, September 12, 2008

nice watch, sir

So the other day at the office I'm at the urinal doing my thing, and in walks the president of the company. The usual awkward chit chat ensues. Finally as I finish up, as we're both standing there - side by side - like brothers in a state of urinary solidarity, I look over at him and say: "wow, that's a really nice watch."

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

the advice column

I'm not gonna lie, I enjoy reading shitty advice columns. I tend to think of what advice I would give each of these wayward souls. Well, after putting 2 and 2 together, it's time for some heckyeahDASHman advice. This "Q" may have been stolen from msn.com; but this "A" comes straight from my heart. Read on, friends.

Q: I've been married for 14 years to a good man. Recently our son joined a sports team and we've become friends with some of the parents — we go to dinner, play cards, etc. The problem is, one of the husbands never attends because socializing is not his thing. When we all get together, my husband always sits with this man's wife and even tickles her, walks her to her car, and asks her to call to let him know she made it home safe. I've confronted my husband about this, and he says I'm just starting trouble. Is he trying to make me jealous? What's going on here? Please help! —M.H., 34, Cincinnati

A: Dear M.H. in Cincinnati: I hate to break it to you. You're obviously a lousy wife. The mere fact that your husband is lusting after another woman - pretty blatantly right in front of you it seems, hahahahaha - really drives that point home. It's clear that the problem most likely lies with how gross you look. Well that, or you just annoy the shit out of him - thus, driving him into the arms of another woman. Another weirdo slag-woman that married some antisocial loser. But for some crazy reason, I bet he's also under the impression that she puts out. Consequently, he's probably under the REALITY that you don't.

Listen, nobody said marriage would be easy. I'm sure your husband has given you hints about maybe losing a few pounds, getting a more flattering haircut, or maybe sexing up your wardrobe for him a little bit. I'm not saying you need to look like Lindsay Lohan; but wait - yes, actually I am. But the point is, you need to try. No man wants to marry a hot chick, only to see her beauty disintegrate slowly before his eyes. What did I do when my car wasn't as appealing to me anymore? I bought a newer, more awesome one.

What with you probably looking like a troll, and having been married for 14 years, it's clear that your son is probably the only thing holding your marriage together. And that's no way to live. Think about this: you know all the time your husband spent trying to court you in the early stages of your relationship? Well now it's your turn to court him back, and show him the woman he fell in love with.

Here's what you do: Talk to him about this situation that you're not happy with. Tell him you want to be a better wife. Tell him to give you 6 months. Outline for him how you're going to be a better wife: Join his gym, lose some pounds. Put down the bon bons, and go try to get on one of those fashion makeover shows. like What Not To Wear or whatever. They're always making nasty chicks look mediocre again. Most importantly, KEEP UP with this regimen of beauty.

I'm really interested to hear how your plan went, and how you kept up with your goals. Please write me back in 6 months and let me know. Well that's it for me, I've gotta get back to my computer games in my mother's basement. See y'all next time!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

a few gems from back in the day...

Most of you will probably be all WTF MAN, but I know some of you have gotta appreciate this a little bit! Comment if you're down for some classic 90's hardcore. WARNING: If you are in an office, or some other semi-professional setting, heckyeah-man.blogspot.com cannot be held responsible for any damages you cause when you go off like it was 1997 again. Enjoy!



....and, THIS IS THE WAY I GET!!!



Hey if you don't care for the tunes, I don't blame you, but please note that this is like the second time in a week that I have used punctuation in a blog title. Chew on that for a minute.

*Please note that this was originally supposed to be posted 2 weeks ago, but I got so pumped up listening to these jams that I actually smashed my keyboard, so I couldn't post it until I got a new keyboard to finish it up.

great way to keep in touch

This blog has turned out to be a great way for me to keep in touch with my parents. I know they're reading because they keep emailing me telling me that I'm a disgrace to the family, and that I'm probably mildly retarded.

Always great to hear from you Mom & Dad!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

the official *product* of the *organization*

I was watching some football and saw a commercial for Samsung TVs. Apparently they're the 'official television of the National Football League'. That's great because I was actually just wondering what television-maker owns that particular distinction. Haha no I wasn't, you goddamn retard. Read on, I don't *really* think you're a retard.

I have a Samsung TV. It's nice. It's also like 8 feet wide, by like 10 feet tall, and it's ultra blue-ray high def dvda crystalline picture in picture, with diamond encrusted buttons. No biggie, that's just how I roll.

Anyway, what kind of idiot is going to take television advice from the NFL? Shoot, if I were in the market for like cleats, or a football helmet, then yeah, I'd like to know what the NFL's official brand/product is. But think about this: some shitdick at Samsung paid some other shitdick at the NFL to make their TVs the official TV of the NFL.

Well you know what now? "Titties" are the official delight of heckyeah-man [dot] blogspot [dot] com. We endorse them wholeheartedly.

Friday, September 5, 2008

attitude: change yours

Imagine the next time your boss is giving you some grief about something. Now imagine being as much of a bad ass as Dirty Harry, or myself.


Monday, September 1, 2008

an inconvenient tooth

Not really much going on, I just wanted to use that clever play on the movie it was spun off of. However, I had the *pleasure* of viewing said movie over the weekend. It was alright, but ugh, Al Gore people. Al fucking Gore.

Big time lols go out to the scene of him in the back of the car where's he's just looking out the window all deep and whatever. Like that goofball contemplates things. Yeah bro, you just keep preaching how everybody needs to conserve energy, while you go and use enough juice to fuel a small nation.

Anway, this blog is gonna deliver, so here's a picture of an inconvenient tooth:

the haircut, part 2

You know you've been waitin' for, and anticipatin' the outcome of this little situation. Did he get a haircut? Or didn't he? Hmmmm. The gods have spoken, with a resounding: YES!

It's true, around 1:30 on Saturday afternoon, I grabbed my Great Clips coupon, and headed out the door. You bet I did. It was a busy afternoon for the fine staff at Great Clips. Keep in mind though, I use the word 'fine' very loosely. I put my name in and as luck would have it, there were 3 people ahead of me. 3 fine Americans thinking the same thing as me: "Yo, I'ma get a haircut on this glorious 3-day Labor day weekend." I can't confirm if they were thinking the exact thing, but I can only assume...because I can't think of any other reason to be hanging out at a Great Clips, other than working there.

Anyway, while I'm waiting, I'm trying to decide which of the (coincidentally, also) 3 ladies working - looks the least haggard, and is fit to touch my gilded uber-locks. I decide the one that looks the least like a man would be fine...and as luck would have it, she was the one that ended up cutting my hair.

Finally, my name is called and I head back to her chair. I can't even remember her name. As I sit here now, I wonder if that cheapens the experience we shared that Saturday afternoon. Whatever, she asks me what number clippers to use, and without thinking I yell, "BITCH, you should have looked in your stupid goddamn computer system and tell ME, which one". She agrees and goes back to look. In case you're wondering, it was a 2. The haircut continues on without any event.

Normally, I just have 'em cut it real short on the bottom, back, and sides, and blend it up nice and short on the top...but not today, I left it a little bit longer, and I gotta say, yo, I look good. So, to make a long story short: I got a haircut; and it was awesome.