Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Clearly you can see this is *my* face. The reason for this post is simple: I was perusing through my record collection and I stumbled upon an insert that had a band member - band and member will remain nameless (again, like the hatebreed song) - making this very same face. Sorry bro, but this shit is copyrighted by heckyeah-man.i'llcutyou.com, and if I catch this shit happening again I'm gonna mash you like the little potato you are.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Anyway, they just won the season series with the Boston Red Sox, and one of the announcers says something like: "What a great statement it would be if the community would come out to the game tomorrow, and the next couple days and show their support."
You want the community - the fans, the ones that pay the salaries of the ridiculously overpaid players, managers, and owners - to pay the retardedly high ticket prices, just to show support? Support for professional baseball players that make enough goddamn money to buy their own goddamned support.
FUCK YOU ANNOUNCER. And you know what else? Fuck you baseball.
$3 hot dogs (this is fine, cause I love hotdogs at baseball games, but still)
$25 Rays t-shirts. Fucking T-shirts
You sonsabitches should be ashamed of yourselves.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Notice what? A couple extra lizards just marinatin' in the sun?
WHAT THE FUCK
Me? I hope the people in power notice, and do something about:
the housing/mortgage crisis
the national debt
creationism being taught in public schools
my constitutional rights being used as toilet paper
you know, things that actually affect my life, that matter...I could go on...
There are people in this country that actually still care whether 2 dudes get married, like it has any effect on anyone else's life, whatsoever...and this broad wants to talk about lizards. Lady, you're the reason we're stuck in this 2 party system where the people in power just keep bending us over.
Iguanas > fat retards
Thursday, September 25, 2008
If you can't dig these tunes, you may want to pull the dicks out of your ears and listen again.
Here, watch this video:
And here's the myspace:
Lucky for all of you, I have a scanner and can digitally reproduce that very letter that she sent me:
Nothing but the best of wishes for you and your husband, MH! Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
At this point the gatekeeper flips out and I lean over and say "hey gatekeeper dude, I'm sorry, I was just messing around". We handed him our ID's and had to listen to him go on a 3 minute speech about how if anything happens tonight, "it's his fuckin ass on the line". And he's "just tryin ta do his fuckin job". Whatever, I apologized and we got the fo outta there. We had a good chuckle after we were a safe distance.
Oddly enough, upon leaving, my clearly intoxicated friend forgot to turn his lights on as we were heading out. Luckily for us the gatekeeper yelled in a cranky old-man voice: "YER LITES".
haha, omg we had plenty of lites, miller LITES. omg amirite or amirite.That's when we learned why the gatekeeper is the gatekeeper.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Full update on the haircut can be expected Monday morning at O eight hundred hours, mate.
They have friends that do the 3 dimensional drawings on computers.
They are permitted to use cell phones for business.
They "borrow" and use friends' power tools.
They have their clients drive them, or they get taxi's.
To me that's just the same as using the damn things themselves. Like what the fuck? It's ok to piss on your beliefs if you're making money? What is this world coming to when you can't even trust a goddamned Amish pilgrim to stick to their principles? I thought they were the last beacon of hope and ethics, in this world gone to straight hell in a hand basket.
Way to totally sell out on your principles for a fucking dollar, you fucking creepy retard mutant shitheads.
Monday, September 22, 2008
So I told him to fuck off, and then double bag it, and THEN put each double bagged grocery bag into a paper bag. I'm all about helping the environment, but not at the expense of my pocketbook, or at the financial gain of some faux-green, money-making scam from a huge grocery chain. Like Publix.
Fuck you Publix.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
to me she said: son, you are
mad retarded yo
True story. Also a true story is that not only am I world renowned musician and artist, but I also dabble in poetry and haikuing. Is this not the face of a true artist? You be the judge.
Yeah, we're posting on the weekends now. What's up.
Friday, September 19, 2008
So I had to call a customer who was furiously behind on a bunch of payments. The reason a customer would buy my product in the first place, is because it provides a return on investment...you know, you get more back than what you pay. This particular customer does very well with us, and he pays (haha or is supposed to pay) about $270 a month. The business we bring him is over $1500 each month. Not a bad deal, right? Anyway, here is how the conversation went:
Me: Yeah you're past due like $1300 for like 5 months, bro. Watdafuxupwitdat?
Him: I'm sorry, we changed management, and we're having serious cash-flow problems. We had to choose between paying the electricity bill to keep the lights on, taking care of pay roll, and you guys. Sorry, but we had to keep the lights on, and pay our employees; we could barely cover that. You guys got bumped, hopefully next month.
Me: So is there anyway you can send at least a partial payment?
Him: No I'm sorry, maybe in a couple months.
Me: You do realize that we sent you to a collections agency at the end of August; and we discontinued your service September 1st?
Him: Yeah, I'm sorry, my hands are tied.
Me: That's too bad, you're going to lose all that revenue that we brought you. Do you have a way of making up all that revenue?
Him: Yeah that sucks, your product really paid for itself.
You know how every once in a while I bust out a rant about some movie I've recently seen? Well this post isn't so much a rant, as it is a dull narrative on one of my last cinematic experiences. Sorry.
We recently watched Dan in Real Life the other day. Haha, you bet we did. And you know what? It was good. More importantly, it had a happy ending. Now if only the shitheads that wrote No Country For Old Men & There Will Be Blood could learn a thing or two about how to properly end a movie, there would be a few less over-hyped shitty movies polluting my movie-viewing time.
On a lighter note, I have 2 fandango passes to see a movie at the local cinemaplex movie viewing center. Not quite sure what to see, but rest assured: it will most likely be chock full of mindless violence, thin on plot, and thick on the awesome.
And on an EVEN lighter note, last night I watched one of the most retarded/awesome movies I have ever seen. There's gonna be a post about this particular movie in the near future.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Me: So because you guys messed up, I have to take time out of work to go all the way out by you to pick up my package?
UPS: I'm sorry, but if you don't come by tomorrow at 5PM, it's going to be shipped back to the sender.
Me: I honestly don't have time tomorrow, can I have it rescheduled to ship to my office? Nobodies going to be home tomorrow until after like 4:30. I know you won't just leave it.
UPS: I'm sorry sir, what time is the best for us to have it shipped to you?
Me: I just said that nobody will be at our apartment tomorrow, nobody will be ho-YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU. WHY DON'T YOU OPEN UP THE GODDAMN PACKAGE AND EAT THE FUCKING BROWNIES YOUR GODDAMN SELVES. MY MOM MADE THEM AND SHE'S A GOOD COOK.
Oddly enough, the package came like right when heckyeah-woman was getting home. I guess they sent 2 UPS dudes cause they thought I might get hostile. What a bunch of pussies.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sorry the image came out kind of messed up - it was originally pretty huge and I had to crop it down.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Q: I've been married for 14 years to a good man. Recently our son joined a sports team and we've become friends with some of the parents — we go to dinner, play cards, etc. The problem is, one of the husbands never attends because socializing is not his thing. When we all get together, my husband always sits with this man's wife and even tickles her, walks her to her car, and asks her to call to let him know she made it home safe. I've confronted my husband about this, and he says I'm just starting trouble. Is he trying to make me jealous? What's going on here? Please help! —M.H., 34, Cincinnati
A: Dear M.H. in Cincinnati: I hate to break it to you. You're obviously a lousy wife. The mere fact that your husband is lusting after another woman - pretty blatantly right in front of you it seems, hahahahaha - really drives that point home. It's clear that the problem most likely lies with how gross you look. Well that, or you just annoy the shit out of him - thus, driving him into the arms of another woman. Another weirdo slag-woman that married some antisocial loser. But for some crazy reason, I bet he's also under the impression that she puts out. Consequently, he's probably under the REALITY that you don't.
Listen, nobody said marriage would be easy. I'm sure your husband has given you hints about maybe losing a few pounds, getting a more flattering haircut, or maybe sexing up your wardrobe for him a little bit. I'm not saying you need to look like Lindsay Lohan; but wait - yes, actually I am. But the point is, you need to try. No man wants to marry a hot chick, only to see her beauty disintegrate slowly before his eyes. What did I do when my car wasn't as appealing to me anymore? I bought a newer, more awesome one.
What with you probably looking like a troll, and having been married for 14 years, it's clear that your son is probably the only thing holding your marriage together. And that's no way to live. Think about this: you know all the time your husband spent trying to court you in the early stages of your relationship? Well now it's your turn to court him back, and show him the woman he fell in love with.
Here's what you do: Talk to him about this situation that you're not happy with. Tell him you want to be a better wife. Tell him to give you 6 months. Outline for him how you're going to be a better wife: Join his gym, lose some pounds. Put down the bon bons, and go try to get on one of those fashion makeover shows. like What Not To Wear or whatever. They're always making nasty chicks look mediocre again. Most importantly, KEEP UP with this regimen of beauty.
I'm really interested to hear how your plan went, and how you kept up with your goals. Please write me back in 6 months and let me know. Well that's it for me, I've gotta get back to my computer games in my mother's basement. See y'all next time!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
....and, THIS IS THE WAY I GET!!!
Hey if you don't care for the tunes, I don't blame you, but please note that this is like the second time in a week that I have used punctuation in a blog title. Chew on that for a minute.
*Please note that this was originally supposed to be posted 2 weeks ago, but I got so pumped up listening to these jams that I actually smashed my keyboard, so I couldn't post it until I got a new keyboard to finish it up.
Always great to hear from you Mom & Dad!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I have a Samsung TV. It's nice. It's also like 8 feet wide, by like 10 feet tall, and it's ultra blue-ray high def dvda crystalline picture in picture, with diamond encrusted buttons. No biggie, that's just how I roll.
Anyway, what kind of idiot is going to take television advice from the NFL? Shoot, if I were in the market for like cleats, or a football helmet, then yeah, I'd like to know what the NFL's official brand/product is. But think about this: some shitdick at Samsung paid some other shitdick at the NFL to make their TVs the official TV of the NFL.
Well you know what now? "Titties" are the official delight of heckyeah-man [dot] blogspot [dot] com. We endorse them wholeheartedly.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
Big time lols go out to the scene of him in the back of the car where's he's just looking out the window all deep and whatever. Like that goofball contemplates things. Yeah bro, you just keep preaching how everybody needs to conserve energy, while you go and use enough juice to fuel a small nation.
Anway, this blog is gonna deliver, so here's a picture of an inconvenient tooth:
It's true, around 1:30 on Saturday afternoon, I grabbed my Great Clips coupon, and headed out the door. You bet I did. It was a busy afternoon for the fine staff at Great Clips. Keep in mind though, I use the word 'fine' very loosely. I put my name in and as luck would have it, there were 3 people ahead of me. 3 fine Americans thinking the same thing as me: "Yo, I'ma get a haircut on this glorious 3-day Labor day weekend." I can't confirm if they were thinking the exact thing, but I can only assume...because I can't think of any other reason to be hanging out at a Great Clips, other than working there.
Anyway, while I'm waiting, I'm trying to decide which of the (coincidentally, also) 3 ladies working - looks the least haggard, and is fit to touch my gilded uber-locks. I decide the one that looks the least like a man would be fine...and as luck would have it, she was the one that ended up cutting my hair.
Finally, my name is called and I head back to her chair. I can't even remember her name. As I sit here now, I wonder if that cheapens the experience we shared that Saturday afternoon. Whatever, she asks me what number clippers to use, and without thinking I yell, "BITCH, you should have looked in your stupid goddamn computer system and tell ME, which one". She agrees and goes back to look. In case you're wondering, it was a 2. The haircut continues on without any event.
Normally, I just have 'em cut it real short on the bottom, back, and sides, and blend it up nice and short on the top...but not today, I left it a little bit longer, and I gotta say, yo, I look good. So, to make a long story short: I got a haircut; and it was awesome.