Friday, August 29, 2008

i have faith

Faith that I'm gonna get all kinds of wasted tonight! FUCK YEAH BRO!!! We got our collars popped; we got a case of Natty Light in the fridge, we got our white kicks all cleaned up and ready to go. FUCK YEAH BRO we're gettin' wasted tonite!!!

Yo, we're gonna pound a few brewski's with my broski's before we hit the houseparty. I'm gonna wear my brand new Gucci knock-off shades I bought at that shitty kiosk in the mall - FUCK YEAH BRO it's gonna be night time and i'll be wearing sunglasses, while getting wasted FUCK YEAH!!!! BROSKI!!!

Tonight's the night, bro.

*Editor's Note: This was supposed to be posted in time for Friday night. For maximum enjoyment, please pretend that it's a few hours before go-time on Friday evening, while reading this. Also note that heckyeah-man[dot]blogspot[dot]com endorses bro-ing down on any night, not just Friday nights.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

college was a breeze

Yeah, it kinda was. I was a double major. Lucky for me, both my majors had overlapping classes, so I could really fit them both in easily, and get the fo outta there in 5 years. My first major, "Kicking Ass" was pretty easy, and I was a natural. That started off so well that I decided to take on another major. This second major happened to be "Getting Jacked". Again, I was a natural and moved so much weight, it was ridiculous. Wait, not just ridiculous, FUCKING ridiculous.

After I graduated, I moved in with my Dad & Stepmom while I looked for a job. It was awesome. I was so excited to put out tons of resumes, and find an awesome job where I could really use all the skills I learned in college. After roughly 6 months of brutal job searching, I finally landed my first real job: selling copy machines. Not a big deal, nobody lands their dream job fresh out of college, right? You gotta get some experience, right?

Over 4 years later, I'm still in sales. Jesus christ look at me.

the election is coming up

Don't think election season could pass without a little election commentary from the one, the only, HECKYEAHmotherfuckin'-M-A-N. You bet. Alright check this out, Obama is a retard, and McCain huffs mad dong too. Shame on you for voting for either of these 'tards. Here are my reasons:

You wanna vote Democrat? Great, you're free to join the company of Boyz 2 Men, P Diddy, Cher, and Jennifer Lopez. Fucking P Diddy? Seriously, you need to think about this.

Oh but you Republican voters aren't off the hook either. Let's see: Kirk Cameron. Enough said. This fundamentalist retard author of the Left Behind series is reason enough to forever disassociate yourself from anything Republican. Or politics in general.

Well what about you Mr. uppity heckyeah-man blogger man? I'm not voting. You think your vote counts? Nope. Newsflash: Mine doesn't either! So I'm going to sell it to some idealistic fucktard who really thinks it does. That's right for $199.99 + tax, I'll march right into the voting booth with a straight face and vote for whichever loser you want. Hell, I'll even write in Heckyeah-man if you want. Cellphone pics will prove you get your money's worth.

Remember, your vote may not count for shit, but for only $199.99 + tax, you can make your ignorant patriotism worth twice as much!

a funny thing happened the other day

Hahahahahaha, oh god that was hilarious! Hahaha, I'm in tears! I can't believe Billy did that! Did you see the look on Jenny's face? She couldn't believe what just happened. Do you know if they finally got everything cleaned up? You'd think it'd take years to clean that mess up! Hahahaha!

No I didn't hear that, but haha, yeah I was there. He was literally flying through the room. Mike and Dina seemed kind of pissed about the mess there. Whatever, not my apartment. Good thing we got out of there before they flipped out.

different priorities

Oh wow, that's great, you got your first car! Congratulations! What did ya get? Oh nice, a '94 Geo Metro, sweet. I bet that gets great gas mileage. Good for you!

Wait, what? You put some some spinnin' shoes on it? You got new shoes too? Oh, haha, shoes, like wheels...on your what? Your whip? Now I'm confused. Oh, your whip is your car. You crazy youngsters and your crazy talk.

Jesus Christ, you spent how much? What? $3,000 on fucking tires and rims? Oh, sorry, on spinnin' shoes? So let me get this straight: you drop $500 on your whip, or whatever; and then throw another 3 large on fucking wheels.

I gotta just ask you one thing; are you fucking retarded or what?

Monday, August 25, 2008

decision, indecision

I was totally going to get a haircut on Sunday. But then I didn't. Instead I decided to trim my sideburns, a little bit. Then I had heckyeah-woman trim the back of my head. It was a win-win: I got a much needed trim, and she got to touch the magical locks of a god.

I just saved myself 16 bucks. Well, until next weekend when I will most likely go get a real haircut.

Or will I?

To be continued...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

went to a party friday night

You bet we did. There were a whole bunch of people there, some we knew, and some we didn't. Whatever, I still found a way to look like an idiot/awesome dude. So check this out, you may remember my friend from one of my posts a week or two back. He was the dude getting 'eyeballed', and we generally just rip on each other when we drink. We wind up saying some pretty sick things; you know, things that most people might get a little butthurt from. It's all in good nature, and totally in jest. Right?

Anyway, we were just sitting there making fun of each other, and what not, when we decide to get another beer. As we're making our way over to the keg (yeah that's right motherfuckers, I'm 27 and still going to keg parties, fuck you), he says something mean, so I have the best comeback ever, I tell him: "I'm going to molest your kids". Naturally, I say this right as the song is changing; and I was right behind some broad who clearly heard what I had said. She was definitely eyeballing me pretty hard.

Many lols were had about that. Also, if you are indeed butthurt about my jokes, please contact my lawyers at the Kid Molesters Union.

Oh, and please note that I'm NOT really going to sexually molest his kids, or ANY ONE'S kids. Or anyone.

scenes from the storm

She's gettin' ready to face the storm.

It's really not this much fun.

Stayin' brutal in the storm, man.

It was really blowin'. On this particular gust, a big ass branch actually fell about 15 feet in front of me haha.

Friday, August 22, 2008

i've never been wrong

It's true. I've never been wrong. Well, except for that one time when I thought I was wrong, but then I ended up being right.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

hurricane fay is about to hit v1.0

OK, so while waiting for Hurricane Fay to hit, I thought we could celebrate one of my other favorite hurricanes: Hurricane Chris!

Man, last summer this was my jam, boo. Since I couldn't get an actual vid of the song, this ghetto ass version is gonna have to do. Besides, judging by how goofy that clown looks, a "ghetto ass version" is just what he'd want.

hanging out with naked dudes

I'm sure most of you have been to a gym before. Haha, well maybe not. Anyway, if you go to the gym after work, you need to change into your workout clothes. People are naked. You know this going in. Hell, you'll probably even be naked too for a second. Common courtesy tells you to be discreet, don't flop your dong around, and to not gawk at other peoples' junk. Now I'd like to welcome you to the Gainesville Gym. Here are a few stories:

I'm wrapping up my workout, heading into the locker room to grab my stuff and gtfo. Not only am I greeted by my gym bag, but I'm greeted by a naked 3 legged monster. Dude just says the usual 'what's up' and continues drying off. I'm grabbing my crap ready to get outta there and he's just hanging out all naked. I say what's up back, he asks me how I'm doing. I reply: "you know, just trying not to hang out with naked dudes, haha". He gave me an awkward glance.

Fast forward to yesterday, I walk in to the changing room to change into my workout gear...and wouldn't you know it, some totally naked dude is just dancing around. FUCKING DANCING AROUND. I say my what's up, and he nods. And he's still fucking dancing around. This crazy bastard finally dries off, and manages to put on every piece of clothing BUT HIS FUCKING UNDERWEAR AND PANTS. I turn around to take a leak, and he's standing there fucking dancing around in a wifebeater and socks. Christ, people are weird.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

you knew this was coming

Lookin' good in the neighborhood.

dressed to kill

I'm not even gonna lie. I look good today. Tie Tuesday is back, and in full swing. Well, it was back last Tuesday, but I looked so good that I didn't know if it was a fluke or something. I mean, I always look good...but not always THIS good. Sure enough, when I got dressed this morning and did my last check in the mirror - the proof was in the pudding.

This is the way Tie Tuesday is meant to look.

Monday, August 18, 2008

a different perspective

Ever since I've started this damn blog, I've been seeing thing differently. Everything differently. I now see things through blog-vision. It's true. Everything that happens, I wonder if it'll make a good blog post.

I went to a concert Friday night, and there was a fight. I'm sure that'll be in here somewhere.

I tried to grill out on Sunday, but it was too rainy so we had to cook inside. Just wait.

On Saturday afternoon I read for like an hour and a half. Worthy of a blog post? Probably not, but definitely worth mentioning.

The worst part is, that as soon as I think of a genius idea for a blog (or a song), many times I'll forget it. Do you have any idea how many great blog posts have been forgotten and left for dead in the deepest bowels of my mind? Tons. Yeah, my mind is pretty much full of 4 things. I call them the "4 B's": Boobs, Buffalo wings, Blogs, and Bworking out. Sucks for me.

Friday, August 15, 2008

take me out

Rather, buy me take-out. From Chipotle. I'm really feelin' like a big ass burrito with double pork. or carnitas or whatever, ya heard.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

i'm calling you out, son

As with anything that becomes wildly popular (thank you so much, friendly readers), there will always be copycats. This wonderful blog is no different. It has recently come to my attention that one of my readers has become enamored with my blog, and has indeed been enamored with heckyeah-man for some time now. Sadly, it's not Lindsay Lohan, Hannah Montana, or any of my other famous readers.

The product of this obsession is a similar blog. Similar, yet inferior. Though I have got to give credit where credit is due, he did a good job of copping my style. Once. Unfortunately, he just left out one crucial ingredient: the funny. The sick thing is, he even had the audacity to link THIS BLOG on his blog. Well, I did ask him to do it. Judge for yourself:

Folks, I thank you for being loyal heckyeah-man readers, and I appreciate that your distinguished tastes can differentiate between crap and the real muhfuggin' deal.

another day at the beach

"Honey, maybe you should wear a shirt, you're awfully sunburned".

"Fuck that, I'm way too jacked to cover this shit up. And don't even think about suggesting I put on sunscreen".

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

sweet umbrella, dude

I hate everything.

And yes, you are included under the umbrella of everything.

Please see the picture below for further explanation...

Monday, August 11, 2008

walking around target

while carrying a full body pillow while you do your shopping UNAPPRECIATION.

"excuse me sir, where are the light bulbs"?

"they're right over there in the light bulb aisle".

"oh right, thanks".

weekend recap

This won't be a 'weekend recap' so much as it'll be me regurgitating a retarded story or two from the weekend. I ordered some Clint Eastwood movies from Amazon LAST weekend, with the hopes they'd be here THIS weekend. I was hoping to watch one on Friday night. Well, they never made it. At all. So I watched something else. That's fine. Well, it was fine until I fell asleep halfway though.

On Saturday I cleaned most of the afternoon. I now know that you should clean the cupboards BEFORE you sweep and mop. All the crap I brushed off the cupboards, now had fallen onto my immaculate shitty tile floors. So yeah, I busted the Swiffer out twice. Very few things give me as much satisfaction as having a spotless kitchen and bathroom.

The real highlight was heading to El Indio for a couple tempeh burritos. I love tempeh. I also love music where people scream, so go figure. Anyway, they have the most lol drive-thru I've ever seen. After a few minutes of me literally yelling 'TWO TEMPEH BURRITOS' at the drive-thru thing, finally I stuck my hand out the sunroof and gave the dude the peace sign. Then when I got there, I said, "you got THREE tempeh burritos, right"? Haha, they were so damn good.

On Saturday night, as some may say, "shit just got real". I went to a local concert with 3 of my friends. It started out normally, having a few beers before the long, humid walk to the venue. Once I finally stopped sweating, I was able to enjoy the bands...though the first 2 bands were entirely too loud, and you could hardly hear what's going on. The last band, the one we went to see, was great - and they mysteriously sounded a lot better. A LOT BETTER. Anyway, I was hungry AS HELL, so we went to the local cuban joint and got some, uh....cubans. They were tasty, but this is where 'shit would get real'. Yeah, we were waiting in line, and I totally caught some dude 'eyeballing' my friend. It was hilarious. I don't know what for, but he was giving him the 'eye'. We both laughed about it, and then continued on with our tradition of getting drunk and making fun of eachother.

I woke up pretty hungover on Sunday, but still managed to hit the gym. Hard. After working out, I did what any self-respecting dudebro would do, I vacuumed. Not much else happened, and I went to bed at like 11. Then, sometime after like 2am, heckyeah-woman got back from England.

Friday, August 8, 2008

coffee issues

I like to drink coffee in the morning. But I don't like to drink the shitty coffee we have at the office - even though I still do. I know, I know - you don't like the coffee we have, then get your own. I have seriously considered bringing my own coffee grounds. But honestly, I don't have the patience to sit and wait for it to brew. Besides, have you read any of my other posts (specifically the American Tragedy one)? There are food thiefs among us. Anyway, I could start a pot, go to my office and come back and hopefully have it ready by then. But with my luck, something will happen and I'll totally forget about it...and it'll be gone by the time I get there. And that's no good now is it. Why don't you just go somewhere and buy it then?

I'll tell you why not. Because I generally can't stand the shitdickery that runs so rampant in those places. And that's reason enough for me to stay away. Well, what about the drive-through at Dunkin Donuts? Their coffee is pretty tasty and I do go there sometimes, but it's like $2.50 for each 16 ounce cup or whatever. Oh, and I have 2 glasses. So that would be like $5 a day. And that ain't cool.

So you know what? I just suck it up and drink the free stuff.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

a day in the life

My day starts abruptly at 6:25 AM with the ringer on my cell phone alarm driving me nuts. Like every morning, I wake up cold and bitter. The taste of the mixture of last night's Pinot Grigio, and the cottage cheese I eat before bed, comes back to me in a heartburn induced tiny burp. Not as savory as you'd think.

Whatever. Anyway, I crawl out of bed and creep straight into the bathroom. After I do my thing and wash my hands, I mix up a protein shake and pour some Winn Dixie brand cardboard cereal. This is the high life, and I'm livin' the dream, baby. At least I eat the cereal out of some fancy, modern looking bowls. Usually I eat the cereal first and THEN drink my protein shake, while I watch ESPN or the news. But today was different. I took a couple sips of the shake, then ate all of the cereal, then finished the shake up. The whole time I'm doing this, the cat is all horned up, and purring like crazy. She just wants to get some attention. I guess if I were missing a leg, I'd want some attention too. I pet her for a minute, and after washing the 3 dishes I made, I head into the bathroom to clean up and get ready for work.

After a non eventful shower, I dried off and brushed my know, the usual stuff people do in the morning. Like I said earlier, today was different: I forgot to put on my shaving lotion stuff. I get razor burn easily on my neck, and I like to apply a lotion to calm my neck down. Not that I shave very often, but it gets irritated. Kind of like I do when I work with stupid people. Well my neck doesn't get irritated when I work with stupid people, but my nerves sure do.

Now comes the hard part, getting dressed. After I pick out a polo, and a pair of dress pants, I throw on some socks and the appropriately colored belt and matching shoes. For a while I only had black shoes. Now I have a pair of brown ones too. Then I only had a black belt...I needed a brown belt to match the shoes. This drove me nuts until I finally remembered to pick up a matching brown belt. The funny thing is, I ended up buying a reversible on one side and brown on the other. So now I technically have 2 black belts, and 1 brown belt. But only 2 actual belts. Let that stew in your head for a bit.

I take a peek in the mirror, and like usual, this will be the high point of my day. This isn't a knock on my life or anything, more a tribute to myself. Vanity is both a blessing and a curse, my friend. And honestly, it was more than just a peek. It was more of an admiring glance. Or maybe a brief obsessive stare. OK, it's a bout 7:15, time for me to hit the road.

So I grab my keys, and the dinky-ass piece of leftover chicken from the night before - this will be part of my lunch today. Brazenly, I walk outside to my car and lock the door behind me; and angrily I throw my gym bag into the back seat. Quietly, I wonder to myself: Do I have the stomach to face the day?

to be continued....

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

what's up dudes

How's it going, you guys just moving in here? Cool, welcome to this awesome apartment complex, haha. No, no I've been here for like 3 years now. Yeah, haha, I just can't leave. I'm Andy, what are your names? Nice to meet you John and Ben. I'm sorry what's that? Oh, it's Jen. Sorry, I thought you said Ben. Cause you don't totally look like a dude at all or anything.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

attn: dude who cut me off 2 weeks ago

Yeah that's right, I hold grudges. Never forgive, never forget. I was on 6th St. and you pulled out right in front of me. You and your shitty little Kia or Hyundai* or whatever the fuck you were driving. Yeah you cut me off, that was awesome. I got the last laugh though. After I slammed on my breaks, I laid on the horn for a good 15 seconds, the whole time rolling down my window (not manually - power windows on my whip, yo), giving you the middle finger like crazy, and yelling obscenities that would make your mother blush. People definitely noticed.

Man, you should have seen the look on that cop's face when she was sitting there at the light watching this whole thing go down. I'm surprised I didn't get another citation for being too awesome.

*Please note that heckyeah-man [dot] blogspot [dot] com has nothing against Kias or Hyundais. But yo, we would never drive one.

Monday, August 4, 2008

so manly

I had a pretty manly day today. I mean, other than the fact that I spent like 9 hours in my air conditioned office...surfing the web, and working, or whatever. But don't worry, the whole time I was there, I was thinking about guns and strippers.

Here's a recap of my manly day, after I left the office:

-I lifted weights, and got sweaty and dirty. It was awesome

-I came home and had a PROTEIN shake. Also awesome.

-I DID NOT take a shower right away. I checked Sportcenter. You bet I did.

-I took a manly, quick cold water. Cause that's what men do.

-I fried up some pork steaks. Men eat pork. Men fry things.

-I played guitar. No pussy stuff though...only power chords and thrash riffs. Cause I don't fuck around.

-I watched First Blood. Rambo killed everybody.

-The whole time during the Rambo movie, I drank whiskey.

-I even zoned out during the pussy part at the end where Rambo cries. Those are the manliest tears I've ever seen though, but still.

If I had a wife, I would have beat her today.

another addendum to that post

Ok, It's official. You can now completely ignore any past and future posts regarding the shittiness of movies. I somehow managed to watch not one, but two movies, on the Lifetime Channel this weekend. Not just this entire weekend, but rather, on Sunday. It was 'Fallen Angels' week or something retarded. Anyway, the first one had the broad from Full House (DJ), and the dude from the Wonder Years (Kevin). He played the popular jock, and she played the nerdy chick...and of course, they start dating. Then it gets interesting: He starts beating on her, and eventually kills her. It was pretty funny, he would throw her around, like at school or whatever, and the other students would just stand there.

The other movie was some crap about a family going through a divorce, and how it's really affecting the teenage daughter - who turns out to be a brat. She currently lived with her mom, but the mom ships her out to her dad's house...with a pregnant stepmom. The daughter hates being there, but she eventually warms up to them and they all get a long happily ever after.

Sadly, no bad guys got blasted and there was hardly any blood, but at least there were happy endings. Also worth noting is that I fried up a couple turkey burger patties during the second movie. They were ok. After being kind of bummed out that I had just watched 2 Lifetime movies AND had mediocre turkey burgers, I decided to put in Magnum Force, the second Dirty Harry movie. That made me feel a lot better.

Good gravy, I don't watch that many movies in a whole month, usually.

*In case you haven't noticed, I started capitalizing things. Don't worry, the grammar will probably still remain horrible.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

addendum to last post

the more i think about it, that movie wasn't that bad. i think the reason i disliked it so much was because i just wanted something to be angry about, so i could write an awesome blog. and what an awesome blog it was.

i hope everybody (yes, all 3 of you) has/had an awesome weekend.

there will be crap

i've been on a streak of watching over-jocked movies lately. it seems like any shithead with a computer can write a movie...or a book that's going to be made into a movie. actually, you know what? fuck this. forget whatever clever joke or pun that i was going to make. i just watched 'there will be blood' and i'm fucking pissed.

45 goddamn minutes before something happened. another 1:45 later and the movie is done. i want my 2 and a half hours back. spoiler alert: asshole finds oill; asshole kills people; asshole is an asshole; movie ends. that's the movie. and the milkshake part wasn't even that cool. in fact, it was fucking retarded. the only redeeming part of this movie is that i got to enjoy a couple glasses of tasty whiskey during it.

i want to watch a fucking movie where the good guy wins, all the bad guys get blasted, and maybe there's a sweet car chase. what the fuck. this isn't rocket science. yeah, the story was good, but the ending totally made it a waste of my fucking time.

i want characters that i want to relate to. i want characters that i want to be like. rambo, dirty harry, paul kersey, gord. those are guys i can aspire to be like. they give me inspiration. that dick in the movie hated everybody. damn, i hate everybody too, but i don't want to be reminded of this for two and a half hours.

hollywood seems to be no different than anything else: dominated by trends...only with a lot more money. i see a lot of good storylines ruined by a half-assed ending. 'oh but heckyeah-man, it was different' or 'but it's not like every other movie'. yeah, but retarded kids aren't like every other kid and we don't pretend to like them to be cool, do we? maybe you do.

in the end, who gives a crap? i watch movies so i can have 2 hours where i can think about something other than how awesome i am. from now on, if the title doesn't say rambo, deathwish, dirty harry, or freddy got fingered...then i'll pass.

Friday, August 1, 2008

no but seriously, congratulations!

i'd like to send a big heck yeah out to ***** & ******* *****, who just welcomed their son into this world. ***** ******* ***** was born yesterday; and both mother and son are in great health! congratulations, you're going to be great parents!

surprisingly, the little fella was NOT 8 feet tall when he was born, as i had predicted earlier.

please join me in congratulating **** & ***** on the birth of their baby boy!

guitarist, looking for band

Hello. I am a 27 year old guitar player and I've been playing since I was only 23. I practice 17 hours a day and I think I'm ready to hook up with a band ready to make it big. People tell me that I play so fast my hands are just a blur. I have to fireproof my fingers because sometimes when I play, the neck of my guitar gets so hot it is almost ready to burst into flames and my picks are always melting. MY FINGERS HAVE BEEN CLOCKED BY A RADAR GUN AT OVER 138 MPH! I will be waiting to hear from you with your offers, now that I AM READY!