Thursday, July 31, 2008

get mah shotgun billybob, them illegals are comin!

i'm sure some of you have at least seen the email making the rounds: "FW: social security changes". i was excluded from the first round of it going out, but lucky for me, i was eventually included (!!!). in this age of the polarization/dumbing down of the american people, this email fits right in. there's no real information, no fact-checking, just playing on the fears of the average hardworking american. aye, but there's the rub: are you an average hardworking american? highly unfuckinglikely. chances are, your intelligence is below average, evidenced by the fact that you most likely just blindly signed this petition. and if you're going to look me in the eye, and honestly tell me that you're hardworking, i'll tell you to fuck off. so now that we got that out of the way...

here's the email in question:

PLEASE SEND THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND ADD YOUR NAME AT THE BOTTOM, IF > YOU WISH. PLEASE HELP US HELP EVERYONE.. > > > PLEASE READ AND FORWARD TO AT LEAST ONE PERSON. > >> SOCIAL SECURITY CHANGES > > It does not matter if you personally like or dislike Bush. You need to sign > this petition and flood his e-mail box with e-mails that tell him that, even > if the House passes this bill, he needs to veto it. It is already > impossible to live on Social Security alone. If the government gives > benefits to 'illegal' aliens who have never contributed, where does that > leave those of us who have paid into Social Security all our working lives? > > As stated below, the Senate voted this week to allow 'illegal' aliens access > to Social Security benefits. > Attached is an opportunity to sign a petition that requires citizenship for > eligibility to that social service.

holy shit, i could probably stop by your house and tell you that unless you give me $500 right now, you're going to die tomorrow...and you know what? there's a good chance i'd be $500 richer.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

office dress code

lately i've been seeing a lot of articles on cnn.com, msn.com and other brain-draining websites (that keep us preoccupied in a perpetual rut of shit, but that's neither here nor there)...about what to wear at the office.

i keep reading about whats appropriate to wear, what's not appropriate and blah, blah, blah. obviously i'm a guy (a fucking jacked and tan perfect specimen of masculinity, you little shit) so i can wear a pair of dress pants, anything collared, and be good. but for women, it seems to be a bit more difficult - with some grey area. too much cleavage (lol); too much leg (again, lol), how are you supposed to know? well let me help you.

i honestly don't care what you wear to work. your attire isn't going to affect my work performance. but there are a few things that i cannot, and will not, tolerate. here are some of my rules:

perfume - if you smell like a wet dog, there's a pretty good chance that whatever stench you spilled all over yourself is not perfume. go immediately home, shower, and try again.

hair - bottom line: if your hair looks fucked up, don't come to work. please wash it once in a while, too.

footwear - yes, it's called footwear. you wear it. on your feet...both of them. if i see one more gnarl-toed behemoth trudge around the office barefoot, i'll shit.

here's a general rule, before you leave each morning, ask yourself this question: does what i'm wearing make me look (or smell) like i'd be confused for a nascar fan?

***be on the look out for future editions of heckyeah-man's guide to fashion. i'm planning on guides for: you, other people's kids, the gym, and concerts...among others.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

a well marbled celebration of flavor

we went to a steakhouse on saturday night, and this was the description of one of the steaks on the menu. i can't remember what steak it was, but i almost ordered it based on that description alone.


i mean, are you kidding me? who wouldn't want to dine on a savory celebration of flavor? i know i would.


usually, i'm all about 'well marbled' ...you know, when we're talking about counter tops or something like that...and i'll eat almost anything that is a celebration of flavor. but, yo, if you're talking about my meat being well marbled, you can gtfo.

Friday, July 25, 2008

re: shawtie blog

i just reread that blog, and realized: jesus, i talk like that in real life.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

concealed carry, really?

yo, i didn't buy a gun this big to have people NOT see it. namean?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

attn: shawtie from the gas station

hey gurl, i dunno if u read this blog or not, but i thought i'd take tha chance. i'm not sure if u saw me, but damn gurl i was eyeballin u. u bet i was. i was dat fly boi wit tha black dodge charger putting $10 in my tank. u may have noticed my plastic spinning rims from wal-mart; in fact it looked like u were feelin' dem.


yo, i was wearing a green polo shirt wit da sleeves cut off, and dark blue jean cut off shorts. i was tryna look nice cuz i had a job interview dis mornin. dats rite, homeboy lookin to chase dat paper.


ne-way, u were wearing a cute green tank top and a skirt wit dem bangin legs dat looked like cinnamon stickz. i kno u were lookin at me 2.


i'm really hopin u read dis blog, and u get at me.


holler @ ur boi

i need to buy sunglasses

all i hear is about how the economy is heading towards a recession; and how this is not a good time to be jobless. i'm not so sure i believe it. yeah, maybe i do have the security of having a great job...but i have also seen the pool of applicants. lucky for me, i've been involved in the hiring, and interviewing process. no kidding, i've seen an interviewee tell me that he wasn't quite sure what his biggest 'accomplishment to date' was. i've seen people get hired that display nothing short of complete incompetence. i've seen people get promoted for no apparent reason, other than the fact that there was a vacancy.

the sick thing isn't just that these retards are getting hired, it's that they're getting hired by more retards. and who do those retards answer to? more retards. well where does that leave me? sitting real goddamn pretty, that's where.

as my pappy once told me: 'son, in a world full of retards, you're the biggest retard'. damn right i am. i'm jacked as shit. but anyway:

if these are the kind of people i have to compete with for jobs...yeah, i'd say my future is looking pretty bright, and i'm going to make a lot of money someday.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

running backwards

through a bonerfield
running backwards
through a field of boners

Monday, July 21, 2008

funny excerpt

i was reading an article about law enforcement dogs being sworn in, as officers. then i came across this little gem:

"Many police dogs don't even speak English."

i don't get it, man. but i'd probably shit my tits* if i stumbled on some dog speaking swahili or something.


*please note there will never be any gratuitous tit-shitting, or shitting of tits in this blog. also, heckyeah-man [dot] blogspot [dot] com does not condone, or encourage, the shitting of tits, or tit-shitting, involving anyone - against their will. this genius phrase was merely stolen from my brother.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

excuse me sir, you dropped something

you're damn right i did. i'm about 5 pounds lighter now.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

the bathroom story

a couple nights ago after work, i came home and thought it would be nice to take a nap. so i crawled right into bed. being that she's never one to turn down a chance to nap, within minutes, we were both in bed. anyway, she's being a turd, and poking at my back. so i order her to give me a back rub, and like usual, she declines.

being the genius/goofball that i am, i start remembering a funny incident from earlier in the day - i start chuckling, and laughing to myself - waiting for her to ask me what's so funny. finally she does. the conversation goes as follows:

me- *chuckling* that was so funny, the bathroom today at the office...

her- what? what was so funny?

me- ha ha, i bet you'd like to know, wouldn't you?

her- ha ha yeah, tell me.me- i'll tell you if you scratch my back.

her- i'm not scratching your back.

me- c'mon, i'll tell you my awesome story about the bathroom at work today

her- what, did you poop really bad? what happened.

me- no it actually has nothing to do with poop. you probably wouldn't believe me if i told you.

her- what is it, man? just tell me.

me- you know what you gotta do.

her- *getting angry* fuck you dude.

me- *chuckling to myself* god that was so retarded today, i can't believe it.

we both eventually fell asleep for about an hour. though i never got my back rub; i do have the satisfaction of knowing that i stood my ground, and didn't cave in.

Monday, July 14, 2008

people be gettin' all angry

omg anheuser-busch just got bought out, and i'm worried they're going to make bud light lime taste even shittier than it already does! omg rofl!

i can just imagine the collective intelligence of their customer-base. holy lol!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

fyi

there's more muscle on the right side of my neck, than there is in your entire body.

true story.

Friday, July 11, 2008

just planning a vacation, man

so we are planning our trip down to treasure island, right? yeah. i remember when i was a kid we took a vacation to florida and went to some beach where we were finding tons of shark teeth. we both think this would be a blast, and agree that this is something we want to try to do. naturally i google it, so we know where we're going. i read though some of the search results, and stumbled upon this little gem:

http://www.treasuresites.com/models.htm

worry not blog-readers, it's worksafe. what this has to do with finding shark teeth at the beach in florida...i may never know. but either way, lols were had. i'll keep you updated on how many shark teeth we find. i hope we see a megalodon. tooth.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

i got a response from my email earlier!

Thank you for contacting WSPA in response to our email about bullfighting. We do appreciate your feedback and ideas about this issue, but it is not our approach to use violence.

Thanks for your support!


go vote for obama, you retarded bunch of pussies.

let's get vigilant

this morning i got an email from the World Society for the Protection of Animals. They were asking for donations to help stop bullfighting. naturally, i can't fathom what kind of sicko would pay money to see a bullfight, so i made a little proposition of my own:

As always, when you're ready to get militant, please let me know. Would you be interested in sponsoring with me, a "bullfighter fight"? I would share the cost of plane tickets to fly a couple bullfighters over to my apartment in Florida, and one by one they would get the beatdown of their life! Each bullfighter get's a free flight to America, and they win a free eternal dirtnap in the beautiful swamps of Florida! Also, if you want to go ahead and get this booked on pay-per-view, I would be more than willing to donate 100% of the proceeds to your cause. Keep me posted!

Thanks!

i've emailed them before about flying up north to blast some whalers, baby seal killers, and whoever else needs blasting. they usually decline. anyway, check them out, they're a good organization: http://www.wspa-usa.org/
i'll keep you posted on their response.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

i think i've been hosed

about 10 pm last night i hear a knock at the door. i have no idea who would be stopping by at that hour. we look at each other confused, and i get up to do what any normal dude would do...i grab my piece, ready to blast. we answer the door and it's some chubby mess of a woman that sounded like she'd been crying. she told us that her dad had a heart attack in ft lauderdale, and she didn't have any gas money to get down there. after naming the apartment she was from, she told us what kind of car she drives (a kia, lol). i don't know, it was kind of sketchy, but we scraped together some cash and handed it to her, wishing her luck and a safe drive.

neither of us recognized her as she stood there sobbing. it's hard not to feel bad for someone who looks so poverty-stricken. though, i would be willing to bet that it was her own fault for being obese and lazy. the more i think about it, i'm pretty sure she wasn't really crying. i bet nothing happened and this lady just made off with $21 of our hard earned money.

yep, i think i've been hosed.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

really busy morning

wow. i got into work roughly maybe around 7:36 am this morning. and it has been a blizzard of business so far. jeez, once i turned my computer on, i had to surf the web for 20 minutes.

all of a sudden, it's time for our weekly, company-wide 8:00 meeting. yeah we still have those. it was great, about 2/3 of the office showed up this time! i barely noticed because i was too busy thinking about how ridiculously awesome i look in this tie. at the end of every meeting, we have a 'word of the day' that we all yell. i don't even remember what today's word is. but just like every other meeting, i yelled 'omar!'.

since the meeting i've been involved in a whirlwind of making some phone calls, faxing people my email address, and listening to megadeth.

on a more celebratory note, our company alcoholic is leaving. oddly, this very same company alcoholic is responsible for probably a good one third, to one half, of my readership. good luck, and at your new job, may the beer (and vodka, and whiskey, and gin, and tequila, and margaritas, and martinis, and cosmos, and screwdrivers, and captain & cokes, and cider, and spiced ale, and uh...wine) flow like wine!

Monday, July 7, 2008

shameless promotion

lately i've been trying to get into the habit of shameless promotion. like when somebody says something that i agree with, instead of saying something like 'yeah bro', 'right on', or 'i feel that', i generally reply with 'heck yeah'. but then i go the extra step, and punctuate the 'heck yeah' with 'dash man dot blogspot dot com'. pretty clever.

in fact, i'm probably going to get a shirt that says 'heck yeah - man' on the front, and 'dot blogspot dot com' on the back. pretty cool stuff.

so do the right thing and forward my blog onto any and all of your friends. oh, one more thing. do you think it would be tacky if i posted a link to this blog on the bottom of my work email signature?

crazy weekend, man

i don't know where to start. it was a pretty crazy weekend. the whole weekend we were house sitting for the lady who runs/ran gainesville's ferret rescue. she has like 10 ferrets in one room and it's pretty neat. we had to feed some of them this chicken/gravy mix twice a day. some of them are so spoiled that they only eat if you hold them. also, she has a dog that needed to be fed twice a day. and let out! to go potty! we actually brought our 2 girls over to play with all the other ferrets, and after about an hour of brutal ferret butt sniffing (the ferrets, not us), and chasing around our girls, they all got along very well.

thursday we went to watch the gainesville fireworks at the top of one of the parking garages on campus. it was great, we had a fantastic view...except it was pretty rural up there. i think that's where all the townies go. the people next to us had a watermelon filled with vodka, and were definitely NOT shy about smoking pot. i think some people were even grilling out. shoot, one broad even left her lights on and had to get jumped. lol @ her misfortune.

on friday we wanted to get some bbq, but it was closed! unfortunately that meant hungry howie's pizza buffet. that sucked, but i guess the biggest travesty was going to see our second fireworks show of the weekend that night. we drove up to high springs, or alachua, or whatever, to see this. naturally we got lost; so we decided to park in a food lion parking lot, and just watch the fireworks from there. it was going great, until the finale was blocked by the treeline. i'm not sure why the rest of the fireworks weren't blocked. but the finale sure was. one bottle of water, and one high life later, we were on our way back to gainesville.

saturday was kind of a blur. we had a big ass meal at northwest grille and we were really full from that. i was totally going to work out, but i took a nap instead.

sadly, one of the little guys got really sick on sunday. he would hardly eat, we had to call up this other lady who set up a little ferret iv, and she injected him with fluids. he was pooping and puking all over. it was brutal. by the time we left on sunday, he was much better and hanging out with the rest of them. earlier in the weekend, he even had enough strength to terrorize our little girl, scab. and i just got an email that he was put to sleep late on sunday night. RIP, spike.

one of the highlights was the fact that i took a nap every day this long weekend. it was great! also worth noting is that we juiced an entire watermelon, and mixed the juice with coconut rum. it was also great. and tasty. i hope everybody had a fun and safe fourth of july! except for you. i hope you got hit in the face with a bottlerocket.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

an american tragedy

today at work, one of my co-workers reported a missing hot dog. naturally, i asked her if she misplaced the hot dog herself. she claims she didn't; and i believe her. she assured me the hot dog was there earlier. it must be noted, that by 'there' i mean in a ziploc bag, in the fridge, with her initials on it. i was so disgusted that i posted a bulletin on the lunch room bulletin board that read: "could whoever stole *****'s tasty hot dog, please return it asap, UNEATEN".

no takers. nobody wanted to own up to their wrongdoing. i'm not surprised. feeling probably slightly embarrassed, shortly after lunch, the victim asked me to take down the bulletin. after all, it's just a hot dog. but to me, it's the principle.

i know what workplace thievery is like, as i myself have suffered it firsthand. that's right, a few years back, my pringles were burgled right from my desk. the nerve.

if anyone knows the whereabouts of this wayward hot dog, please contact me immediately. thanks.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

a vicious cycle

when i get warm, i sweat. when i sweat, i get angry. and when i get angry, i sweat. so i get angrier. then i sweat more. and the rage just boils. living in florida doesn't help.

douchebaggery

what makes a person a douchebag? are you a douchebag? omg r u a d-bag? i think we've all got a little douchebag inside each of us. it's just how you manage that inherent douchebaggery that defines your douchebaggyness. can you admit to being a douchebag? yes? great, then you're a lot less of a douchebag than most. what about someone who doesn't think they're a douchebag at all? yep, major d-bag. i can fully own up to being a bit of a douche. i know it, i'm aware of it, and i embrace it.

please note, i used 'douchebag', or some form of the word 12 times. you think about that while i go trim my nose hairs.