Wednesday, December 31, 2008

i rock

Says the t-shirt of the overweight troll, lighting up a cigarette you know she doesn't need, as she walks out of Best Buy with her tubby hubby.

Actually you don't rock at all. You suck.

You suck horribly.

So horribly that I'm actually going to make a blog about this on the day of New Year's Eve.

How much of a slap in the face is that? A big one.

You're everything I hate about fat chicks that think they're cool.

Too tight t-shirt with lame saying on the front? check
Shitty alternabitch haircut? check
Douchebag boyfriend that's still 12 years behind anything remotely cool? check
Cancersticks? check
Shit eating grin, not from a genuine sneer, but rather from actually probably eating shit? check
Sitting at the bar, drinking white zin? check

You're not fooling anybody.


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

hip hop embraces my blog

Wow! This is great! I had no idea, but I guess somehow somebody snuck my blog onto the computer of some of today's hottest rappers! At first I was worried, but I rest a lot easier knowing that for the most part, the feedback has been great!

Read what hip hop is saying about my blog:

"This shit is gold; I should get some teeth made outta it"
-Lil John

" does not care about black people"*
-Kanye West

"Go shortie, it's ya blogspot. Go shortie, it's ya blogspot"
-50 Cent

" should be the next James Bond. RIP Biggie"
-P Diddy

*actually, we here at don't care about ANY people.

Monday, December 29, 2008

seems to have been some confusion

When I made that post a couple weeks ago about the best commercial ever, I was mistaken. If you don't lol @ 0:19, I'm not sure if there's anything we can do for you.

Friday, December 26, 2008

the crossing guard

Every morning on my way to work I drive through a school zone. I'm normally cruising along at like 80 in a 35 zone because my car is so goddamn fast & awesome, and I'm the fucking man.

But then I hit the school zone...and life creeps into a 15 mph hell.

Sometimes it even creeps into an 'extended wait at the stoplight while the little shits cross the street' type of hell.

I can't help but notice the crossing guards, and how seriously they take their job. This one bitch in particular, lol.

When it's time for these little kids to cross, this one broad puffs out her chest, and blows her whistle so goddamn hard that I have to give her the finger. She stomps out into the middle of the street like a twat on a mission - with both hands raised up at her sides giving the "stop!" or "halt!" sign. If this wasn't happening in the middle of some stupid road, I would guess that it would be in a circus or something.

Then when the kids finally cross, she walks back to her post - head down, all dejected and bummed, because her 60 seconds of being awesome* just came to an abrupt end. That, and the light just turned green, and she wants to get the fuck out of the road so she doesn't get run over.

Anyway, I was going to go into something about how if you're dumb enough to play in traffic, you deserve to get hit; but I honestly didn't feel like 'going there'.

*I use the word "awesome" very, VERY, loosely here. Also, I hope everybody had a safe and fun holiday. If not, that probably sucks.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

happy holidays!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but be safe, have fun, and enjoy your time off/with your family/crying yourself to sleep.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

an alarming trend

At my job I talk to a lot of receptionist-types. You know, chicks that answer the phones, then transfer me to whoever I'm trying to catch (usually presidents and CEO's cause i'm fucking baller).

It seems lately that when the receptionist tells me the person I'm looking for isn't around, they immediately follow it up with an offer to take a message.

I decline, then they offer again. I decline again, and ask what time I should call back. They ask if I'm sure I don't want to leave a message. I confirm that I am, in fact, sure.

This is when they usually get noticeably upset and shaken. Keep in mind that I do this over the phone, so there's no way to completely confirm that they are shaking with anger. But I can tell.

I have this one box I keep calling and she actually hung up on me because I wouldn't leave a message. Haha, so I called back and asked for whoever I was looking for, and when she told me that the dude wasn't available, I then asked to leave a message with her.

She was literally fuming - it was great!

Bottom line: Quit acting better than me, you're a fucking receptionist.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

that was an accident waiting to happen

- jokes the guy who, on his way out of the bathroom at work, almost crashed into me on my way INTO the bathroom at work.

*sniff, sniff*

Jesus Christ it smells like an accident already happened in here.

I could feel the post dump humidity this guy left for me. I could almost cut it with a knife.

It felt like Gainesville in August, in the bathroom here in Gainesville in November lol.

Monday, December 22, 2008

i used to be

I used to be a bitter asshole. In fact, for the most part I still am. Some have said that I have since chilled out a little. But only a little bit.

But after seeing this picture, how can you not be in a better mood for at least a couple minutes. It sure did make me lol. Almost brought out a little rofl.

Well, no more bitter asshole for the next 5-10 minutes.

Friday, December 19, 2008

bridges once burnt

True story.

Some of you may remember my story about my interaction with my cat. That's awesome - thanks for reading!

Some of you may not remember. And that's fine too.

Anyway, the bottom line is that my cat, whom I love and take care of (kind of) said something very hurtful to me. She whispered: "fuck you, your blog sucks". She has no idea how hard I work on this blog.

I may come across as insensitive and bitter, but still, I have feelings too. You know, I can understand why she would say something so hurtful: I picked her up by her head and let her dangle there. I would do this for minutes at a time. And I did this often, of course either when heckyeah-woman wasn't home or when she was sleeping. While it seemed funny to me at the time, I now realize this was one of the main things that is driving a wedge into my relationship with the cat.

I don't want her to hate me.

In the coming new year, I pledge to work on my relationship with Meow Meow. I promise to mend the fences that once stood so tall as a towering beacon of hope in a friendship that had limitless potential.

Our beautiful cat, some of you may recall, only has 3 legs. The first step I'm going to take to rekindle the flame of our friendship, that I know still has a spark, is to make her whole again.

I'm sorry Meow Meow, please forgive me. I hope you enjoy your Christmas present as much as I enjoyed giving it.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

reading a book

I am indeed reading a book. It's a long book too - about 450 pages. 450 PAGES!?!?! WHAT A BUMMER!

But you can only imagine the joy I felt when I picked up the book and saw that the last 125 pages or so are just notes. Who the hell reads the notes anyway?

Not this guy!

I am absolutely ecstatic to report that what I thought was once a 450 page book, is now just 326 pages of pure non-fictional literary joy.

But if you've been reading these blogs, you probably have a sneaking suspicion that uh, I can't read. In fact, I'm not exactly convinced that I can read much past a 5th grade level.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

i'm out this beotch

Seriously I am. I'm flying to Chicago this morning, then 2 hours later, right to Hong Kong. 15 hours straight. In an airplane.

I have been stressed out as shit over this flight. It's really taken most of the enjoyment out of anything I've done over the past month and a half. Except for this blog. I enjoy doing this blog.

Thank you for reading...I REALLY appreciate all the feedback and comments.

If for some reason I am not able to post any more (like if I die), I have blogs scheduled to be posted throughout the holidays. And then, that's it.

Look on the bright side, if I cease to post this blog any more, the internet could get a whole lot less misogynistic. That's good right?

Some may not be aware, but this will be the first Christmas for this blog. And if I die, it could be the last. Haha, pretty exciting stuff.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

i showed him

I had to drive across town this afternoon to hit up the chiropractor. Yeah, my back is a little sore, but the back pain isn't nearly as painful as living with the fact everyday, that you're still alive. That shit sucks, bro.

Anyway, I had to drive by the mall, and the traffic was just horrendous. It was like 4:15ish, so rush hour is just getting started.

Wait, rush hour in Gainesville? In fucking Gaines-goddamn-ville? Are you serious?

You're goddamn right I am.

I take pride in my driving, mostly cause I'm not a chick, but also because if someone is trying to get out of a parking lot or something, I'll let them in. I did that no less than 4 times today.

Guess how many times I was let in....yeah, zero.

Guess how many times I was almost T-boned by some shitdick switching least three.

Guess how many homeless people I almost ran over...2, but only because those little shits ran so fast.

I'm sure it didn't help that I was fucking around with my iPod while I was trying to drive lol.

Whatever, by the time I got to within a few blocks of where I was going, I was pretty pissed. Then all of a sudden it was like angels started singing, and like everything had kind of a golden glow to it.

I didn't know what was happening, but I felt like I didn't have a care in the world, like I could walk on water or some fucked up shit like that. There was something supernatural telling me to turn my head and look out my passenger-side window, into the car next to me. It was divine intervention.

So I look over into the car next to me, and what I saw was nothing short of ridiculous. Life changing.

This fucking douchebag looking rat fucker just screaming at the top of his lungs at this chick, she looked pretty scared. He was yelling and berating her and getting all kinds of pissed off over what sounded like them getting lost. Yo, I ain't a gamblin' man, but if they were lost, my money is on the chick was navigating.

Anyway, in this moment of clarity, I look over, toot my horn, and as they both look over, I look the guy straight in the eye, and give him the meanest middle finger that has ever been given. I mean, this middle finger had the strength of ten thousand pissed off dudes, and it meant serious business. And as icing on the cake for this little shit, I mouthed the words "fuck you".

As this fleeting moment of grace and divinity came to an end with the guy throwing his hands in the air like 'I give up', I got my green arrow, and made my left turn.

Fuck yeah.

Monday, December 15, 2008

lol @ facebook

Kelly Smith was tagged in a photo.

Yeah but when I'm taggin' bitches, it's usually in the back of my car or something.


Happy Monday!

Friday, December 12, 2008

just standing there naked

So, uuhh, this um guy that I, uh, know was in the bathroom, and he had just got done dropping one, and apparently he wanted to shave quick before he hopped in the shower.

Not a bad plan, right? Shave before the shower. Great.

So this guy gets off the can, and gets up in front of the sink/mirror/bathroom counter thing, and looks himself in the eye as he reaches for his shaving cream and razor. Not gonna lie, this dude flexed in the mirror a little bit too.

Out of the corner of his eye he notices this black furry thing hanging out on his pelvis. And in a matter of less than a second, a million things rush through his mind at once:

1. What the fuck is that?
2. There have been big ass spiders in this bathroom before!
3. Is that a big ass spider?
4. Holy shit!
5. What other bugs are big and black?
6. This is gonna be a good blog post!
7. How the fuck did it get on me?

Literally a millisecond later I swat this mystery fuzzy thing off my hip and it goes flying onto the bathroom counter only to be mashed like a potato by my jar of shaving cream. I slowly lift the jar off the mashed fuzzy thing, and...

It's just that, a goddamn piece of fuzz - about the size of a nickel. This all took place over the course of 1, maybe 2 seconds. Well except for the 'dropping one', that was a solid 45 minutes.

i care about you, or whatever

OK, here's the deal: I'm going to be compiling top 10, 7, 5, or however many, lists. Some of the things I'll be covering are: movies, tv shows, music, books, awesome things that happened, and anything else you can think of, etc...

The problem: I have a very limited memory and I don't remember nuthin'. If you would be kind enough to submit anything from the above categories that you hated or loved, in the comments section - that would be much appreciated. Remember, I need, and care about, your input.

This will surface sometime early in the new year as top ten lists. Won't it be great to look back and reflect on all the sweet things that happened in 08?

You bet it will.

PS - If I can get enough comments/input tomorrow morning/when I get bored at work, I'll post another blog. A good blog. So check back for hopefully a blog blah blah blah something about some dude standing there naked.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

gonna be a late one tonight, bob

How about instead of talking loud enough so that everyone can hear you telling Bob that you're going to be working late tonight, you just quit fucking around all day and get to work?

I've never seen more shitheads brag about being shitty at their jobs.

"Oh hey, I'm not competent enough to do my job in the 8 hours that you're paying me for, so I'm just going to stay late, and work for free"

What are you, a fucking charity?

But yo, I understand, some people truly do have mountains of work that cannot be done in the 8 hour workday. But could you imagine going to a job interview, and telling the potential employer that bullshit?

I've worked with people that never leave the office. They all have their own reasons. One guy hated his family lol. Another guy was going through a divorce and was too ashamed to drink alone at home, so he'd drink alone at the office. One dude just had his head up the bosses ass, and by default, stayed late every night.

And me? Well fuck, once the whistle blows at 5, I'm out the door on my way to a nice little place I like to call "just livin' my life, man".

people that enjoy being alive

...are people that are reading my blog.

Thanks for reading!

Today is Thursday. Yo I better be eatin some barbeque.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

i know a guy

Yeah, I know a guy. He's a graduate student. But he's not just any graduate student. No sir, his achievements in academia go above and beyond what most students can ever dream of achieving (except you heckyeah-woman, you're always number 1 babygurl).

This particular gentleman's peculiar brand of research is quite punctilious. You see, his research takes on a very phallic quality. This line of research, after knowing this dude, fits perfectly.

Well, what the hell kind of research does this dude do? In his own words, his research is essentially:

"measuring dicks"

No kidding, this is his job. Haha yeah, I didn't believe him right away either. I guess it's some shit about sexual predators and measuring their arousal. He made it sound really professional, and all for the betterment of society or some gay bullshit like that.

Anyway, the minute I learned that this is what he does, I immediately asked if they were hiring either test subjects, or specialized handlers.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

you want me to lift those weights for you, too?

I'm at the gym the other day destroying my lats with a punishing couple sets of pull-ups. It was awesome. Anyway, I see these 2 goofballs fucking around with one of the lat pull-down machines. I'm over here doing fucking pull-ups like a real man, and these 2 shitdicks are over there pussyfooting around with a goddamn machine.

Before I even think about using a machine, as opposed to free weights, I ask myself a few questions:

1. Am I a pussy?

2. Am I a woman?

3. Are all the free weight stations occupied?

4. How many people will see me using this shit?

5. Will I be doing tricep pulldowns?

If my answers to these 5 questions are no, no, yes, very few, and yes; than I'm good to jump on the machine for a few warm-up sets or something.

Anyway, so not only are these queefs using this lat pull down machine for heavy & 'serious' lifting, but it appears they have broken it. Yes, from my vantage point over by the squat racks, I can see that the chord has come off the pulley a little.

In most instances, I would fix this shit myself. Not the case for these 2 twinks. No, they went over and got the dude that was working the front desk to fix it.

Keep in mind this is the same guy (working the front desk) that, when I was in the baffroom changing and I notice the urinal overflowing I let him know; and his response to me was: "FUCK! not again".

I can only imagine what his response to these 2 vaghaters was.

If he's anything like me, he would have busted a vein in his forehead yelling at them:


Monday, December 8, 2008

i couldn't resist

I know I know, I just did an advice column like last week. But once you read through this "Dear Prudence", you'll understand why I had to tackle this serious issue. Anyway, I don't know, maybe I'll try to make this advice column a weekly thing or something.


I work in a small company of about 30 employees. My co-workers and I don't know what to do about our boss. Our company is in serious financial trouble. I make up the entire accounts payable/receivable department, and if it hadn't been for a big check we received from a company that owed us, we wouldn't have been able to send out our last payroll checks. I'm really worried about our boss' suicide "jokes." She frequently will jokingly ask me or another of my co-workers for a gun or a knife. She even crawled onto the windowsill in my office and had her bottom half hanging out until I grabbed her and pulled her back in. I told her recently that I was not going to take these questions as jokes anymore and that the next time she mentioned a gun or knife, I was going to call the suicide hot line. Her response was to walk over to my phone and say sarcastically, "Sure, let's do it now! I'll dial, you talk." She later came back and said, "I hope you know I'm never serious about that." One co-worker suggested we try to convince her brother to admit her to a psychiatric ward. But unfortunately she is the sole decision-maker regarding practically everything we do, so without her, I don't even know how we'd be able to run on a day-to-day basis. What should I do?
—Concerned Employee

Dear Concerned Employee:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Get that sand outta your vagina and get back to work! No but seriously, this is a perfect opportunity for you to advance your career.

Unless, judging by the dipshitedness of your questions, you enjoy running the same rat race to the finish line to shitville. You never know. Whatever, read on for the best career advice ever:

To put it simply, for the truly simple of heart and mind: if you're boss offs himself, this opens the door wide open for you to step up and fill those boss-ly shoes. And I bet those boss-ly shoes fit real good, don't they?

Can you do it, and step up and be an effective boss? Probably not, but has that ever stopped anyone from giving 'er the old college try? NO BITCH, it hasn't.

So lemme break it down for you: The next time your boss jokes about killing herself, or asks for a gun or a knife, be the catalyst for change. Help your company out, help yourself out. Nobody wants some depressed jackass running around talking about suicide. Well I do, but I'm a little different than most.

Help her take that extra step. Hand her that gun or knife. Give her that gentle push out the window.

There's 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth, and now is your time to knock one out of the park, or out the window lol. Are you gonna do what's best for you, or are you going to continue to be pushed around by a suicidal maniac?

The time to take control of your career is NOW! You see the economy. You know what's goin down (hint: and it better be your boss out the 10th story window).

You know what you have to do. Good luck.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

today is the sabbath

And I will treat it as such.

-Get up sometime after noon.
-Make some tea, prepare my fantasty football team for the weekly Sunday afternoon beatdown (givin' it, not gettin' it)
-Drink the tea I made while I contemplate what to have for my pre-workout meal
-Get pissed cause I'll be eating chicken in the foreman for the millionth straight Sunday.
-Cook chicken in foreman grill, and eat it
-Go work out
-Sit down for a fucking second, cause I've just been busting my ass for the last hour and a half.
-Think about dinner
-Play some guitar, play some drums
-Eat dinner
-Play some guitar, play some drums
-One of two things: Either have some whiskey, and watch a little football/TV; or head over to the bar a block away and attend the Sunday night jam session. This week will be the latter.
-Get home and go to bed immediately-
-Cry till I'm sound asleep
-If you've made it this far, you just read all that. lol.

Anyway, as you can see, I take my Sabbath's very seriously. I'm very finnicky about what I do on them.

Friday, December 5, 2008

so the other day I looked over at my cat

The following post is a truthful account of the events that happend on Saturday November 8th, around 5:30 PM.

Yeah so I was just sitting around, waiting for Heckyeah-woman to get home from school so we could go get some food. I had just gotten out of the shower, and I'm just dicking around on the internet to kill a few minutes, when I glance over at our 3-legged cat, Meow Meow. The following conversation ensued:

Cat (C): Quit looking at me you fucker (HYM): What? I just wanted to see if you were awake yet.

C: Why? So you can get up, come over here, and pet me? Put some clothes on you shithead.

HYM: Jesus, what kind of bug crawled up your ass today? Fine, I'll go put some jeans on.

C: Are you deaf you little turd? I said put some clothes on. Clothes. Not Clothe. Clothes. Plural. Multiple items of clothing.

HYM: Let's not get into semantics, Meow Meow.

C: It's a good thing Heckyeah-woman is the one in grad school, cause you'd fail miserably, dipshit.

HYM: How would you like to lose another leg?

C: I'd like to see you come over here and try, pussy.

HYM: Wait, you're calling me the pussy? Pussy. Remember the time I picked you up by your neck, and all you could do was cry?

C: I may be a pussy cat, but you're the only Pussy I see.

HYM: You wanna say that to my face, motherfucker?

C: I just did, but I'll gladly repeat it.

HYM: You don't have the balls.

C: No shit, I'm a female. I never had balls. Similar to you.

HYM: Yeah, you're right, you are a female. Why the hell aren't you in the kitchen baking me a pie? Bake me a pie, ho.

C: Give me a couple Whisker Lickins. (treat that she likes)

HYM: I'm not giving you shit. Remember that time Heckyeah-woman was out of town for a week, and I never fed you and kept you locked up in the bathroom all day? You remember?

C: Yeah that sucked.

HYM: Well that's gonna happen again if you don't shut your trap. Now go play in the garbage disposal, Heckyeah-woman's home and we're gonna go get some food.

C: *whispers* fuck you, your blog sucks.

I'll miss that cat.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

a couple days ago

I don't know, maybe it was a week ago. Maybe two weeks.

Nah, it was definitely within a week. Like, within the last 7 days.

You know, I bet it was even within the last 5 days. Kind of like within the last 5 business days. Yeah, this happened within the last 5 business days.

Would 5 business days make it a 'business week?' Or would it be 7 business days?

Well, within that last 5 business days there was one holiday (Thanksgiving), and one questionable holiday (Black Friday). So I'm not sure if it would truly be a 'business week', anyway.

Of course this all depends on when the event in question, happened.

So if this thing happened 5 business days ago, that could even possibly creep into 2 weeks ago, depending on your definition of a business day. What was once 'just something that happened a couple days ago' is turning into a real quandary for me to quantify. I'm not even sure I'd qualify it as a so-called 'event'.

It was more of a happening (no, not quite like the movie, The Happening by my boy M Night Shamalamadingdong). How do you constitute what qualifies as a 'happening' vs an 'event'? The short answer: you don't.

You're gonna have to just kind of wing it. OK, so here's my final statement on this 'occurrence'.

"It happened mid-last week, probably on Wednesday"

*please note this blog was originally written on Monday, December 1st. I would have posted it then, but you obviously saw the 3 gems I have posted it got pushed back to today, Thursday, December 4th.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

top ten list done right

So my buddy does a comic that's blowin' up yo. Check it out, . You can subscribe to an email thing where he emails the comic out to you every morning. Not only do you get a sweet comic, but you get tons of awesome spam too. Totally worth it though. Anyway, after seeing the success of my blog/how good looking I am, he started doing a blog with the comic. More specifically, a top ten list every Tuesday. Well, more like every other Tuesday.

On second thought, it happens so sporadically, you never know when it's coming. But when it does, look out. Cause lols will be had.

With that being said, his top ten today was the 'top ten he can do without for the holidays.' So I thought, why don't I make my own list of those very same reasons...

Why do the same thing twice, Mr. AwesomeBlogger?

The difference is that I'm not burdened by the weight of keeping it G-rated. Read on:

MY top ten reasons the holidays FUCKING SUCK:

10. Holiday cheer. What the fuck? You're happy about spending a shit ton of money on losers you don't even give a fuck about, just to avoid the social stigma of being labeled a holiday cheapskate? How the fuck can you still be smiling and cheerful? Oh I know, maybe you're smiling because you found a parking spot at the mall, survived the entire crowd of shitheads there, bought that fucking Wii, and managed to only waste a whole day shopping, and you managed to not go ballistic and kill fucking ANYONE.

9. Mariah Carey. Have you ever seen the cover of that holiday album she put out? That bitch fine. Not only is she NOT warming her little tush by MY fireplace, but she's married to that fucking douchebag, Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Seriously? Fuck the both of you.

8. Getting shitty gifts. Yo, I like free stuff as much as the next person, but I hate having to choke through fake smiles when I get something lame as shit. Yo, lets say 'fuck the gifts' this year, and take the money we would have spent and buy some nice shit for a local animal shelter, or fuck - let's get the family together and do something fun for a day.

7. Catching my Dad trying sneak out to shovel while I'm taking a shit. I'm from Wisconsin; it snows there. Now I live in Florida, where it doesn't snow at all. When I get back to my parents' place up north, there are two things I want to do: 1. Hang out with my fam, and 2. RUN THE FUCKING SNOWBLOWER. Bottom line: when it's winter time and snowing (or even if it just looks like it's going to snow), real men fire up the snowblower, just in case. Lucky for me, my Dad get's it. Unlucky for me, it's an epic battle for the snowblower anytime one of us thinks we see a cloud in the sky.

6. Flying. I FUCKING HATE FLYING. This should be number 1, but I already did the top 4, and I don't have the time or patience to change it. Flying is horrible; and I hate it. But it's shittiness is multiplied x 20 during the holidays. Long lines, crabby ass people, lost luggage; it's just a whole heap of no-fucking-thanks.

5. Christmas boners*. At home I walk around in my underwear, not giving a fuck whether or not I have morning wood. During the holidays, I stay with my parents or my brother. The last thing I want to have is my stepmom or brother's girlfriend walk in on your boy sporting a mammoth morning woody. Pokin' out eyes and shit.

4. All this Jesus bullshit. I don't give a fuck if you go to church. I don't give a fuck what you worship, or even if you worship at all. But what I do give a fuck about is when my ears are poisoned by your batshit rants about keeping the Christ in Christmas.

3. Christ in Christmas. Seriously? Is that even what CHRISTmas is about anymore? Maybe for some, but take a look around you goddamn son of a bitch (sweet Misfits reference). Yeah, I see some mangers and shit, but it should really be called CONSUMERmas.

2. Gifts. I fucking hate gifts. Giving them, buying them, everything. I make enough money where I can afford to buy whatever the fuck I want. I don't need you to feel like a martyr because you spent a lot of money and bought me some gay shit I'll never use. FUCK YOU.

1. Every holiday season, I remember that you haven't died yet.

*We here at 100% endorse boners of any kind; however, sometimes it's just not appropriate for others to recognize your chubby. As a man with virtually no shame at all, that little bit of shame I do have, deep inside, is reserved for my Christmas boners and/or boners around my family. I hope you understand.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

poor dog

So this morning I was driving to work. I was winding through may apartment complex parking lot, having just gone over a speed bump, a black dog (like the Led Zeplin song) jumps out in front of me. Jesus Christ I slam on the brakes and watch as this dog runs buy, chased by one of the stray cats.

Kind of lolworthy.

I pass by some car with some shithead sitting in it, with the front door open, putting on shoes or some weird shit. I flash him a look of disgust and continue on my journey out of the parking lot, and more importantly: over the last speed bump.

Crap, out of my rearview mirror I see that dog coming again, running towards me up the right/passenger side of my car. I go slowly over the last speed bumb, and watch as the dog approaches, stray cat in tow, again. lol.

I stop my car to let the dog go wherever he's gotta go.


The dog crashes into my car.

I get out to check on the dog, and I almost get run over by the damn dog either running from the crazy stray cat still chasing him, or trying to catch up with another one of my neighbors - walking THEIR dog. So yeah, the dog is fine.

So I peel the black dog off the other neighbor's dog (severe dog on dog humping had just occured), and she smiles and laughs about the dog running into my car.

I smile and laugh right back about how sweet my car is, and how that when stuff bumps into it, it usually just explodes from how awesome both me and my car are.

So anyway - great, now I'm stuck with some dog without an owner. I check the collar, and I see the address and a phone number. But before I can do anything, I see some broad in the next parking lot over, and I yell: "Hey trick is dis yo dog, ho?"

She yells back: "NO!"

Then I see that same shithead from before that was sitting in his car picking his feet or something, and I yell at him: "Hey dickydoo, is this your dog?"

Him: "blargh mumble mumble"

Me: "Is this your fucking dog, you stupid goddamn sack of shit?"

Him: "yeah"

Me: "you fucking retard, here's your dog"


So yeah, this morning was 'like, totally crazy man'.

Monday, December 1, 2008

a misnomer

Well her name wasn't Princess Live, was it?

omgwtflolz amirite or amirite?

Thursday, November 27, 2008

ooohhh, more advice!

again, stolen from!

Dear Lynn,

My boyfriend is the perfect guy—kind, romantic, generous, loving, caring, and ready to commit wholly to us. He has introduced me to every member of his family. We have a long-distance relationship because we go to schools in different states. But there is a particular girl he calls every day, sometimes much more than he calls me. He calls her sometimes first thing in the morning, and they exchange text messages about how they miss each other and other emotional words. I have confronted him but he claims they are just friends.

The last straw was when he took her to Disneyworld about a month ago — without my knowledge — to help take care of his nieces and nephews. He bought me a ticket but I couldn't go at the last minute due to academic commitments. He claims that he could not have taken care of the kids alone and knew that if he had told me I would have made a big deal out of nothing. He apologized profusely and insisted that nothing is going on between them. He spends Valentine’s Day and every major holiday with me, has met my parents and is very eager to please them. I have warned him that if his closeness to her continues I would leave. He says that I am being paranoid. What do I do? — Am I Being Paranoid?

...and I weigh in:

Dear Lynn,

You are NOT being paranoid. Maybe just oblivious. It's obvious your boyfriend just wants a threesome. You need to ask yourself one question: Who are you to deny him, the man you love, this god-given right?

He's making nice, and getting friendly with this other woman to, you know, warm her up. He's prepping her for the threesome experience. Yeah, you may be left out a little bit (for now), but don't worry, you'll get yours. However, for now, it's important that you know your place. Your job is to wait in the wings until the new girl is brought up to speed. Be supportive, offer your help. Trust me, he could probably use it.

The best thing you can do is embrace this. Go ahead, make your boyfriend the happiest man alive by letting him blast two (2) hot chicks at the same time. Please, I encourage you to read up, learn exactly how to make this the best experience of his life.

When that magical night finally does happen, and your boyfriend's dreams really do come to fruition, you can smile knowing that you played a major role. He will appreciate you so much more. Next, prepare to be kicked to the curb - because what kind of self-respecting dude wants to marry some trashy broad who's going to be doing threesomes? Who knows what other skeezy things you've been up to....are you even clean? GTFO, cause baby you ain't marriage material.

If you truly love him, set him free.


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

a moment of peace

Actually it's been more than a moment. More like a couple weeks of peace. I can now log into facebook each morning and not see every douchebag with an election-flavored status change:

Johnny Q Loserstein is donating his status to remind everyone to vote for John McCain

Chumpy McKnowitall is donating his status to remind everyone to vote for Barack Obama

Yeah, I get it. You're 23 years old and you think you know about politics. That's cute. You can watch Fox News, or you can read That's awesome.

I never thought I'd say this, but it's really great to get back to reading statuses about 'omg missed Grey's Anatomy last night', 'not wanting to be at work right now', and a whole bunch of other stupid, trivial shit.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

best commercial ever

This commercial gets me pumped up. End of story.

Maybe it's the blonde chick, or maybe it's that everyone's having a good time. I don't know what it is, and I don't particularily give a FUCK, but I know I could watch this commercial every day.

And it's messed up because I don't even like Coke products. I'm a Pepsi man.

Monday, November 24, 2008

some people need to die

I was flipping through the channels 2 weekends ago, while laying in bed all day (more on that later) and I came across this peculiar television show.

It was these fucking douchebag shitdicks playing that video game, Rock Band, all dressed up - people were cheering, and going this was a real concert or something. Then the audience had to vote for who did the best job.


A goddamn game show watching fuckheads play videogames.

And the sick thing is, the hosts of the show were getting all into it, talking about the great performances. That's so fucked up.

Friday, November 21, 2008

something interesting i just read/made up

We all fart.

Don't even lie. You do it. You know you do it.

I do it (better than you).

We all do it.

But did you know that your farts are more than just smelly air?

You know how when you have an empty bottle of like, Hershey's Chocolate Syrup...and when you give it that last squeeze - a fine chocolatey brown mist squirts out all over your ice cream, or your face or whatever?

That's exactly what happens to your underwear when you fart.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

dear douchebag in the pontiac,

Hi, I don't know if you remember me, but we were both heading South on 34th St earlier this week. As we approached a traffic light, you decided to pull ahead of me and cut me off. No worries though, I just pulled to your right and was up at the stop light right next to you.

You may recall my look of disgust and pity, when I looked over at you. Maybe you remember my brief chuckle when I eyeballed you, your troll-esque girl, and your shitty ride.

Certainly you must remember me rolling my eyes as you sat there at the stoplight with your windows down, your shitty rap music blaring, and your cute little engine revving. Yeah, I caught you looking over at me, giving me 'the eye'. And yeah, I was down to race.

Now I know you remember what happened when the light turned green. After all that engine revving, all your eyeballing me, and your girl checking out my ride..after all that...I know you remember me blowing right the fuck by you, like you were sitting still. Did you even hit the gas, motherfucker?

It is not my intention to embarrass you, I think we both know you don't need any help in that department - well, as long as you keep driving that cute little Pontiac around.

If you take one thing from this letter, please take this: if you're going to insist on racing dudes with faster cars than you, maybe instead of blowing some ching on those shitty rims, you might want to just go ahead and buy more car.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

do you have the time

to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything, all at once....

I go to Publix every Monday morning before work to pick up some food for lunches for the week. There's this crazy cashier there that just seems like a basket case. She's so nervous and timid looking...that I can't help but lol.

She's always there and I don't like to go in her line, but this morning it was the only one open.

It's hilarious, she always looks down when she talks to me. BITCH I AIN'T ON THE FLOOR.

When I left the store this morning, I immediately thought of this song, and how this broad manages to get through each day without killing herself. I wonder what her homelife is like. I bet when she get's home she just mopes around watching like the 8 different soap operas that she recorded on VHS tapes.

I'd be willing to bet that she just walks around her tiny house in a bathrobe, eating ice cream, and has a lot of cats.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

you breakin' the law bro?

I can't tell you how many times I've heard pussies bitch about getting a speeding ticket.

"I was only going 5 over."

"I was only going 7 over."

Wait, so you were going OVER the speed limit? Isn't it illegal to go OVER the speed limit? Maybe I'm missing something, but that's breaking the law...and you just got busted. Get over it, fuckin' pussy.

Jesus Christ, if your going to bitch about something as silly as you knowingly breaking the law, and getting busted for it - I can only imagine how horrible the rest of your life has to be.

Do you have a wife? She hates you, and she's probably sleeping with the mailman.

Do you have kids? They hate you and you're a horrible dad.

What about your parents? They're still in disbelief at how they raised such a crybaby pussy.

Your co-workers? They want you dead.

Your insurance agent? He's trying to drop you because of the company's firm "no douchebag pussy" policy.

Your boss? You're gonna get fired tomorrow when you get into the office.

The dudes at your gym? They contemplate dropping the barbell ON YOUR FUCKING NECK every time they spot you when you bench.

The lady at the coffeeshop you hit everymorning before work? You've been drinking coffee + cream + spit for a year and a half now, dick.

Guys at your local gun range/shop? They sold you a faulty gun on purpose.

Next week:

"But honey, I only laid mad pipe up in my secretary one time!"

Monday, November 17, 2008

the peace sign

Nowadays I see celebrities flashing the peace sign all the time. But I recall a time when I used to flash the peace sign. Back when it stood for something. Yeah back then, the peace sign was my official "what's up" sign. I'd flash it at some bitch, and she'd immediately know what's up.

I ain't makin' some lame political statement about peace, or any other crappy ideals. I hate peace. I want carnage. And I ain't talkin' about the classic villain from the Spiderman comics either. I'm talking about straight up death 'n destruction. And by death 'n destruction, I ain't talkin about the 80's-90's death metal and thrash bands, either.

I'm talking about an all out bloodbath. And when I say bloodbath, you best know I isn't referring to the Swedish death metal band.

No way Jose, I'm talking about good old fashioned mayhem. When I say mayhem, I'm definitely not talking about the Norwegian black metal band - with the singer who killed himself and the guitarist who was stabbed to death.

Not the case here, I'm talking about armageddon. No, not the sweet Ben Affleck movie from the late 90's.

I think you know what I'm trying to get at.

Friday, November 14, 2008

nervous trepidation

Great use of a big word! I know, right.

Anyway, the title of this post sums up how I feel every time I walk into the bathroom at work. We have 2 small bathrooms here at the office. One has a stall and a urinal; the other has a stall plus 2 urinals. I usually hit the latter.

I always get this queasy feeling in my stomach whenever I put my hand on the disease-ridden doorknob...not because of the syphillitc swine that are prone to putting their greasy, non-handwashing mitts on it, but because I never know if someone is gonna be in there spilling some urine, or dropping a deuce. And I hate when some dude is in there blasting away, without locking the door.

Furthermore(!), I don't really like going to the bathroom around other people. Especially at work. But get me on the basketball court, and I'll shit all over you, son.


Are you supposed to talk to the person in the urninal next to you? Do you look over to make eye contact? What if I look over to make eye contact - in the middle of exchanging pleasantries, and the other dude doesn't - and out of the corner of his eye he just sees me looking over at him, potentially checking out his dong? Is that awkward?

I mean, I'm not checking out anyone's dong; I'm just trying to be polite. My father always told me that a real man will look you in the eyes when he's talking to you.

I'm not sure if that applies at the urinal.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

one last wish

Once upon a time, I went to college. And while I was in college, I had roommates. This is one of my roommates:

He was a good roommate. Sadly, he died.

One of the last things he wanted before he passed was for me to make a blog post about him. I hope he sees this from up there in Roommate Heaven. Maybe he'll think twice about using my foreman grill and not cleaning it, up there.

RIP, bro.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

david letterman droppin mad wisdom

A couple nights ago David Letterman was interviewing one of the retards on The Hills. It's some lame scripted reality show on MTV. You may recognize the name Lauren Conrad, Heidi, Spencer, or my girl Audrina Patridge (seen below).
Anywho, David Letterman was interviewing Lauren Conrad (known as LC to some of us), and he's generally just ripping on her, and the show, and the douchebags that are on it.

Then he busted out a line of wisdom that really hit me right in my little black heart of coal:

"...For a long time–10, 15, 30, 40 years–I thought, ‘Jeez people are idiots.’ And then it occurred to me, ‘Is it possible everyone’s an idiot?’ Maybe I’m the idiot.”

It's true, as most of you are aware, I hate everybody. But Mr. Letterman really made me contemplate my place in this world.

Maybe the problem is me. Maybe everybody hates me. Maybe everybody thinks I'm stupid.

Nah, fuck it.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

message to mormons: stop baptizing dead jews

I was browing to get my daily fill of liberal bias for the day, when I stumbled across this gem. I didn't even read the article, but I immediately thought two (2) things:

1. ROFL, and
2. Wow, if I post about this, it may make up for my horrible post from this morning.

Here, take a ride in the roflcopter:

i walk alone

I walk alone

I wear cologne

I wok alone

I walk alone

Wow that was retarded, sorry about that.

Friday, November 7, 2008

i read men's health

Yeah I do. My brother bought me a subscription for xmas. Generally it's a pretty good read - until I got to it this morning. Then I had a rofl attack, and immediately had an idea for a blogpost.

Some dickbiter wrote into the quasi-advice column asking about his job - and we all know who else does advice columns too, right? does! Who would I be if I didn't weigh in on these 2 losers conversing about work and corporate life? Probably just another faceless schlub, that's who.

Anway, the dude wrote in about how he finishes his work on time, and always leaves the office right at 5. He was worried his boss would look negatively on him. First thing I thought was that he was maybe a co-worker or something. Nah, turns out he was from some inbred breeding ground like Arkansas. Didn't even know they had jobs there yet. Sorry Arkansastananians.

So the writer at Men's Health wrote back something about 'you gotta play the game', and maybe volunteering your time to take on extra work, and staying late sometimes. Being a kiss-ass loser. And then I thought for sure he worked where I work.

Seriously though, WAIT UP A SECOND, hold the buck. What kind of retard wants to do EXTRA work, and not be compensated for it? Is it my job to pick up the slack for some incompetent dipshit? I don't think so dude.

Call me selfish, call me a dick, just don't call me late for dinner. Cause yo, I don't like being hungry; and I don't like doing other people's work. Oh, and one last thing, fuck you.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

the butterfly

Also worth noting from the traffic jam blog a short while back: while sitting there in traffic on the highway, there were a bunch of police cars, an ambulance or two, and a firetruck just blowing by us, on the shoulder of the road. My guess is they were probably trying to get to the dickheads that caused the accident.

So, I'm sitting there looking out the window, and in a fleeting moment of clarity, I see a butterfly flying around like a retard. Just like a flying retard.

As I roll my window down, I hear sirens. Then I see a firetruck coming like a bat out of hell, right for the butterfly...on my left, on the shoulder of the road.

The poor little butterfly has no idea what's about to happen it. It's about to get pounded into dust by a big bad-ass firetruck. Oh shit, here it comes.

Collision is imminent - I can see the firetruck approaching in my rear-view mirror.

At the last second, with a sigh and a gasp, I look away in horror.

Realizing the firetruck is now ahead of me, and has absolutely mushed the poor little butterfly, I am overcome with waves of apathy, disgust, sadness, and of course, unbridled rage.

Before I can even start yelling at Heckyeahwoman, out of the corner of my eye I see movement! What can it be?

Wait! What's this!?!?! Through my weeping, tearfilled eyes I see the butterfly flying around looking a little dazed and confused!

The butterfly survived!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

a revelation:

Being rock hard is not all it's cracked up to be. It's true.

It's science.

I guess, as kind of a side note, I'm not sure why I posted this. I keep a notebook with me, and whenever I get a good idea for a blog, I write it down. Well, this little phrase made it into the notebook.

It sat there for a few weeks, until I was either going to make it into a blog, or throw it out. We're all familiar with the genius that spews forth from my brain, so we know it's not getting trashed.

So here we are, a shitty blog. Just for you.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

change we can believe in

Today I'm going to eat "hot" buffalo wings instead of just the same "medium" buffalo wings, like I always do. Now that's the kind of change I can believe in.

Also, some of you are probably aware that today is election day. Maybe you aren't. Well everybody should go out and vote. Unless of course you will be voting for Obama or Mccain - then please don't bother voting at all.

Monday, November 3, 2008

why am i still single?

Well obviously I'm not. For good reason too - look at me, I'm a physical specimen. Sadly, not everybody is a victim of devastatingly handsome good looks, such as myself.

A bit of advice for you rather physically unappealing mouth breathers out there:

If you continue to live a life where you indulge in every shitty food you can get your sausage fingers on; if you refuse to get a little exercise - let alone go outside to see the sun a little, not only will you die alone, but you'll die unhappy.


Friday, October 31, 2008

the controversial survey

You know how people are always doing lame ass surveys on myspace, and then posting them as bulletins? Well I'm going to do one. This one is called 'the controversial survey'. There's really only one question I wanted to answer, and I'm sure you'll know which one it is when you get there (hint: it's about fire). So fuck it, I just answered all the questions!

[1] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?
...Heckyeahman grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Short answer: yes.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?

[03] Abortion: for or against it?
...Personally would never have one, but yo, if you want to kill a baby that's just going to take up space in this already overpopulated world, be my guest.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
...Nah, I'm more worried about a socialist-lite president...that's happens to be a dude.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?
...I believe almost everybody should die soon.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
...Yeah legalize that shit so I can quit my job and legally get fucked up all day without having to worry about getting busted by the popo.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?
...What the fuck? Seriously? Bitches B linin' up. You tell me.

[08] Do you believe in God?
...You're GODdamned right I do. I am GOD. I run this shit. Fuck off.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
...You're damn right I do. Yo, the more gay dudes there are, the less straight douchebags I have to worry about tryin to pimp on the poon I rightfully claimed.

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the US?
...Fuck yeah I think it's wrong for people to break the law! What the fuck. Speak English or die motherfucker.

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby,should she keep it?
...Kill the parents, and sterilize them. They should not be allowed to have kids until they can raise their own properly.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
...I think it should be lowered to 12.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?
...It should have never started, but since it's raging, might as well kill as many as possible...kill as many non Americans. America FUCK YEAH!

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
...You have no idea how badly I would like to help people die.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?
...You're damn right I do. I ain't raisin' no pussy ass kids.

[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
...Fuck you, I'd burn you for a million dollars. Hell, I'd burn you for free. I'd burn just about anything for a cool mill.

[17] Who do you think would make a better president - McCain or Obama?
...Neither, they're both horrible. hEcKyEaHmAn 08 fUcKeRz

[18] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
....I will be doing the JUDGING here. I and judge YOU, worthy of immediate death.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

around afternoontime

Just got off the phone with some bitch, and when I asked her when I should call back, she told me to call back Tuesday, around afternoontime. Yeah, like all one word.

What the fuck does 'afternoontime' mean?

So, I could call back sometime after noon. Like 12:01, or like 1PM EST? Or maybe later like 3:30 PM.

7 PM is technically after noon, but most would call that simply, evening. Should I call then? What if I called at like 5 AM on Thursday morning? That's AFTER noon on Tuesday. Not sure if it qualifes for AFTERNOONTIME, though.

Yo skeezer, just a little bit of advice: please speak fucking English when you're at work. And that does not mean just stringing together a couple words.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

just trying to have fun, man

I just read some article about how some running back for some shitty football team scored a touchdown, and then did a particularly humorous celebration...and then he got fined 10 large for the celebration in question. Pocket change for him, and me too motherfucker. Anyway, the article was online and there were a bunch of comments from riled up sports fans posting from their mom's basement.

Here is one comment from some butthurt loser that caught my attention (fyi: Johnson is the running back, and Goodell is the NFL commish):

dpz540 (10/24/2008 at 12:14 AM)
Welcome to the No Fun League Mr. Johnson. Does Goodell have to fine a certain amount of players each week to make himself feel like he is doing something. I really did enjoy the celebrations it shows that they the players really enjoy what they do.

HOLD UP Mr. dpz540. First, you use even worse grammar than your boy, heckyeahman...and then you write that you enjoy seeing that NFL players enjoy doing what they do? Why do you give a fuck if they enjoy anything? These motherfuckers get paid more for one quarter of a game, than either of us are going to make all year. Well, maybe not me, haha but still.

I would have totally posted a comment, but every time I try to post one on a site like that (youtube, cnn, espn, etc..) it always get's rejected due to "racist or offensive language."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

i just wanted to apologize

I just wanted to apologize for nailing your girlfriend bro. Are we cool?

Yeah, well here's the thing: I'm not going to actually say I'm sorry, or apologize. Rather, I'm going to merely state my intent to apologize - without actually apologizing.

What a bitch move.

Another one that pisses me off, like when I'm flying, is the "excuse me sir, I'm going to have to ask you to remove your headphones."'re telling me that you're supposed to ask me to remove my headphones, but you're not going to ask? Like I'm supposed to 'read between the lines.'

Sorry bitch, I just paid $50 to check an extra bag, in addition to the absurd prices for the airline ticket. I think I reserve the right to not have to 'read between the lines.'

I'm going to go ahead and tell you that you're a fucking retard.

wait for it...

wait for it...

You're a fucking retard.

Monday, October 27, 2008

new website

OK, I don't really want to share this idea with the general public, but I feel like I've really hit gold here. I discovered an idea that could literally change the face of web-surfing in the very near future.

Walk with me through this windy trail of imagination. All I'm asking you to bring is an open mind as I paint a picture of a beautiful website - a beautiful website that can, and will, change your life.

Some of you may remember that palinaspresident website, right? The one where it's just a picture of her, and you move your mouse around and click on stuff to get all that kooky stuff she's said and wants to do. Yeah well, I'm not going to link it here, because this post is all about me. That's right, I'm all about me right now.

Well, I'm going to go ahead and take it one step further. That's right you shithead, I'm going to blatantly rip off a pre-existing thing, and just make it better.

I'm going to take a picture, and make it a website. It can be any picture. And then like when you hover your mouse over things, it'll light up like if you click on it something will happen. Like even when you hover, in the lower left hand screen of the computer, it'll say some web address URL thing.

But then when you click on it, nothing happens. You'll think that you just missed it, and click again. Nothing happens. Frustrated, you'll hover over another item on the website or picture, and click on that. Nothing. You see the cursor light up like it was a real link. You see the little URL in the bottom left hand corner of the screen. You keep clicking.


Frustrating, isn't it? Yeah you bet it is.

Are you envisioning what I'm envisioning? It would be like an amazing website of frustration. Like a chick with a bikini on, and every time you click, the bikini goes off a little bit, but no matter how much you click, you're never gonna see nipple.

But what would be the point? Wouldn't people just get frustrated and go to a different website?

Yeah but it would be pretty funny to like have a hidden camera somewhere and watch some acne ridden teenage losers keep clicking on it, in the hopes of seeing a little titty.

We could turn this into a TV show, I could write a book about it. Hell I could even write an article in the newspaper about it. I could send like press releases to computer nerd magazines. This thing could go global.

Don't even think about stealing my idea.

Friday, October 24, 2008

i'm a woman

Well I'm not, but that's what the chick on the other line just told me, after I called her "sir"... multiple times.

Yo gurlie, you might wanna lay off the whiskey and smokes, and quit gargling glass. Though I'm sure your gravelly ass voice is beyond help at this point.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

borderline absurd

I was just pondering what happened at work the other day: I was on the phone with some customer trying to get him to sign a contract, and here I am in my office listening to some death metal. I'm talking ridiculous riffs, belching vocals, and brutal blasting.

Basically, I just got paid to listen to some retard gurgling about killing goats or something.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

another denny's post

OK, check this. It's Saturday morning, and we're heading back home from Orlando, and we just get on I-75. After much debate over where to stop for food, I give in, and agree to stop at a Denny's. Heckyeahwoman loves Denny's.

Yo, I was hungry. We see a Denny's at an exit in a city called Wildwood. I know, right. Wildwood: where my wood runs wild. Ok, I'm babbling.

So we're pulling into the Denny's on this beautiful Saturday morning, and the first thing I notice is the lack of parking spaces. There were a lot of cars there, yo I'm thinking it was pretty busy. I ain't got time to wait, and I got things to do in Gainesville.

Whatever, so we head inside to check it out. I see a bunch of people seated in the waiting area, and I immediately mutter to myself, "jesus christ".

We walk up to the "lady" at the cash register and I say, "just a table for 2 please".

This haggard shemale looking thing looks at me, then glances over towards the group of mouthbreathers seated in the waiting area and replies, "it'll be a bit".

Disgusted, I ask, "how long is the wait?"

Before it can even finish its' sentence, I cut her off as I chuckle to myself, "so you're telling me people actually willingly wait in line to eat Denny's?"

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

my first job

I worked at Dairy Queen for close to 5 years. It was an awesome place to work. The owner was a nice guy, and well, I worked at Dairy Queen. How could that not, not suck? The dude genuinely loved Dairy Queen, and at the time I thought it was kind of cheesy. But looking back now, it must be pretty awesome to be that stoked to go to work every day.

Unfortunately, I was a little brat when I was younger.

Mr. Dairy Queen owner, if you're out there, I'm sorry for being a dick.

Monday, October 20, 2008

another birthday

I'd like to send a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY out to heckyeah-MOM. Yeah you guessed it - it's my mom's birthday today.

So Mom, if you're reading this, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Also, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. Please don't blame yourself for my failures illustrated by my daily posting in this blog.

I don't know, uhhh, just like, uhhh blame Dad or something.

traffic jam

Yeah man, there was a big ass traffic jam on the way to Orlando. Right there on I-75. I have no idea what caused it; and I don't particularly care. It was probably some young punks that were driving too fast and they lost control. Who cares. Whenever I'm stuck in a brutal traffic jam, like really brutal - where all I see are brake lights - the first thing I think is:

"Fuck, what a pain in the ass. Somebody better be bleeding or dying."

It's true, if I'm going to inconvenienced by sitting on the highway going nowhere, somebody better be paying for this shit. With their life.

I ain't got time for traffic jams. And I ain't got time for people to not be dyin'.

Friday, October 17, 2008

john mccan't

Mr. McCan't just busted this gem out this week:

"Let me give you the state of the race today. We have 22 days to go. We’re 6 points down. The national media has written us off. Senator Obama is measuring the drapes, and planning with Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid to raise taxes, increase spending, take away your right to vote by secret ballot in labor elections, and concede defeat in Iraq. But they forgot to let you decide. My friends, we’ve got them just where we want them."

Wait. Hold up, hold up. Wait a minute. After all that time you've spent campaigning, and now it's down to just 3 weeks before the election, and you're losing. Bigtime - cause I'm pretty sure you're down by more than just 6 points. And let me get this straight, you're happy with that? You want your opponent to be ahead of you down the final stretch?

Let me put this into perspective for you non-politicos out there:

That's like Dale Earnhardt getting excited about having a broken seatbelt.

That's like on the day I get married, being stoked that my bride-to-be just blew all of my best men.

Mr. McCrap, I just have one question for you: Yo dude, are you fucking retarded?

Here's the article (I know I know, lol @ getting politics from cnn/ny times, etc...but this was a no-brainer for a blog):

*Sorry, this article was from Monday, and I had other blogs to post before this. While this post maybe running a little behind, it's heart is still in the right place.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

sandwiches that make you melt!

Ponder that for a minute.

That was a line from a Denny's menu - advertising some new melts they are featuring on the menu. Yes, I realize that I was inside a Denny's. I wasn't stoked, but I was making the best of the situation. Lucky for us, the best of the situation is this blog.

Anyway, could you imagine eating something that would MAKE YOU MELT? Could you imagine being melted? Like actually melting. That would suck.

Not sure if I'd rather be melted, or fed feet-first into a wood chipper.

What do you think? Would you rather have me be melted, or fed to a wood chipper?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

sarah palin spoke to me

It's true. When she had that stupid debate, it's like she was speaking right to me. Most people heard some retard answering the lame canned questions, with canned answers.

Not me.

No, I heard much more than that.

Don't worry, it's worksafe! (and it may take a second to load)

Create your own, and post them in the comments!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

one (1) item for sale

Yeah, I'm trying to clean my closet out a little. So for the next couple weeks you may be seeing a post or two about various items I'll be selling. If you can help out, that's great; if not, that's cool too.

For a limited time only, I will be selling MY BLESSING. That's right, for just $59.95 (or best offer), I will offer you MY BLESSING. This can be a BLESSING for whatever you want. I would prefer if it was something positive, but if you wish it to be for the detriment of another person, I will understand.

What you get:

-one (1) actual email or phone call where I ask you what you would like BLESSED, and then I proceed to formally BLESS it. If you live in town, I will offer my BLESSING in person; it's just gotta be in a public place, during the day (I'm not sure what kind of sketchy ass nutjobs are going to want to buy a BLESSING from some loser on the internet).

If I am not able to sell this, I will be forced to put it on ebay.

Please leave all offers in the comments sections. Make sure to leave contact info so I know where to contact you for payment, and for providing the actual blessing.

Monday, October 13, 2008

last 8 years under bush

Yo, people keep hating on my man G-Dubya, but check this, I got like 3 or 4 good reasons why he's the man:

Money. I've made like 15 times more money since he's been president.

Chicks. They started lining up once he took office. That didn't last long, but still.

Fun. I partied more, had more vacations, and had more fun than any other time in my life.

College. I graduated college during his tenure. That impresses people.

Dope rides. I have had one undeniably dope ride, and one questionably dope ride since 2k yo.

Debt. I paid off ALL my debt while my boy was presiding over the presidency.

Work. Damn, I guess I do work a lot more now, since he took office. That kinda blows.

Snorting blow off a hooker's ass. I have yet to do this, but yo, I initially got the idea while you-know-who was president.

The verdict: Thanks G Dub, even though you were a horrible president, you have definitely improved my life!

Friday, October 10, 2008

i care about you

That's not true, but I do care about your opinions. And feelings. That said, I'm noticing a sharp drop off in commenting recently. And that ain't cool. I really do appreciate when anybody comments, well except for that one dude who I had to delete, sorry broski.

Feedback is good!

Though I did turn commenting off temporarily; it's back on now...and has been for a week! So feel free to let me know if you laughed, cried, got into a horrible car accident and are now a cripple, or whatever.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!

let's be serious for a moment

Seriously stoked for me to be heading down to Orlando to catch my main man Danzig this evening. And I can't wait. True story.

Please join me in celebrating the first couple Danzig albums:

If this video doesn't pump you up, you best be pullin them dicks outta your ears. I woulda put "Long Way Back From Hell" up on here, cause that song rips too, but there's no official video, and the one's on youtube were mad whack.

Hey, maybe you don't like "Danzig the musician", then you best be giving "Danzig the literary expert" a chance:

My favorite quote: "...lots of great werewolf stories in here, all documented, all true".

Anyway, it's almost the weekend, have fun!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

joining a new gym

So a couple months ago, I decided to possibly join a new gym. I love my current gym, but the price went up a little to maybe make it worth it to pay even a little more, to get like basketball courts or a pool or something else I would never use. Whatever.

I checked out a local health club thing online and just clicked on some 'contact us' link. I just had a few questions about membership costs and charges. The next day I get an email back from one of the trainers/sales reps that work there. She answered all my questions, and offered a couple free training sessions if I joined. And as luck would have it, she had a woman's assuming she was a woman, I shot back a reply email - thanking her for her quick response, and asking her the only logical question that I would possibly need to know:

"Are you hot?"

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

my first top ten

Yeah, I'm going to do a top ten list. Nothing really that consequential, but probably worth a brief read.

The Top 10 Things I Will Never Give the satisfaction, you fucking twink the shirt off my back

8...up or give in

7...a fuck about YOU my extra kidney - to save your life, motherfucker to 'the man' charitable causes, fuck you

3...a second thought to squashing you like the cockroach you are a chance to explain yourself, and your unparalleled levels of douchebaggery


1....a shit about your day


my birthday

For the past 27 years of my life my birthday has been in July. I like July; and I like the timing of my birthday - thanks Mom & Dad! Over the last couple of years, haha more like 4 or 5, I've noticed a bit of dwindling excitement over my birthday - on my end. I just don't get excited over it as much as I used to. Maybe it might be kind of fun to have a birthday in the Spring. Who doesn't like spring? Shitheads, that's who. Maybe this will kind of, maybe...I don't know, rekindle that birthday spark that I seem to be missing.

What better way to enhance the warm, fuzzy feelings that spring brings, than by celebrating my very own birthday in Spring. What about like April or May? 2 great months where great things happen. The weather warms up, the snow melts, birds are chirping, bitches are wearing less clothes; spring is great.

This year I think I'm going to go ahead and reserve May 3rd as my new date of birth. We will celebrate merrily.

Monday, October 6, 2008

more advice from ur boi


Help me figure this out. Over the last couple of years I have met and dated quite a few guys. They all shared a similar trait. They would ask me out for a "week date" not a "weekend date." I always thought this was very odd.

I met someone recently and, unlike with guys before, it seems to be going well so far. He calls when he says he's going to, emails daily, and always makes plans to meet up. We've met on a couple of Friday nights and a couple during the week. We had plans made a couple of times for the weekend, but they had to be rescheduled. It seems like he's more interested in getting together during the week. And, might I add that he is pretty busy. He's a really nice guy and I enjoy hanging out with him. I think he's still getting to know me and isn't ready to devote his weekend time to me just yet. Any advice?— Weekday Dater? advises:

Dear Weekday Dater,

It's simple, give him a reason to think you're gonna put out during the weekend. We at exclusively reserve our weekends for blasting chicks. If you don't make the cut, yo, get at me Monday through Thursday. And hey, if you even think about buggin' me on my sabbath, you best be thinkin' again. My sabbath is reserved for me.

Now GTFO and go earn your man.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

revisiting my chinese friends

You bet I am. Booked our tickets last night, and we're leaving December 17 or something. Some of you may or may not know, but my Mom moved to China about a year ago. My Mom is pretty awesome and she loves it. We were there like back in 97 or 98 and it was dope.

I can only imagine the blogs when I get back. Lot's of blogging about rice, noodles, fortune cookies, and people shorter than me. No but seriously, I'm going to be on a plane for like 15 hours straight. Holy shit I hate flying. Not only that, but I'm scared of dem heights yo.

I really don't believe it's natural for people to be 30,000 feet above a man made device. If we were supposed to fly, I'm sure we would have been born with wings. I mean, look at birds. They fly - they were born with wings. Look at fish. They don't fly - they don't have wings. See the connection? I do.

Friday, October 3, 2008

christmas break '99

So here I am, a freshman in the local community college, still living at home. Things are going alright, I've got enough booze to last through break, and maybe beyond. Tonight I'm gonna have my buddy over; he's home for break, and we're gonna drink some 40's, listen to some tunes, and play some Tony Hawk. Keep in mind, this is when the Tony Hawk video games just came out and I had just gotten it on my We actually spent a couple nights that break doing these exact same activities, good times indeed.

We'd been drinking for a couple hours having a good time, my crazy girlfriend at the time called a couple times but I told her I was busy - that, or just didn't answer. Whatever, we're just drinking at my place, no biggie. My brother even popped in and out, and played a couple games and had a little to drink with us. Finally it's like midnight or 1, and we decide we're hungry. Shit, lets make a frozen pizza. We didn't have any at my place, so my buddy says he's got one at his place. Luckily he just lives a couple houses down. We made the trek over, with 40's in hand. But right before we left, the gf calls again. I told her our plans, and that I was just gonna go to bed after we ate. Yo trick, I'll holler at your bitch-ass tomorrow. She sounded weird, kind of angry...

Over at my buddy's house we're eating, drinking and just marinating. We finish our 40's, my buddy gets a call from his gf, he tells me he's gonna take it and go to now it was about bedtime anyway. That's cool, so I bundle up and make the short walk back home.

Just a couple steps into my walk I see a familiar car pulling out of my driveway. Jesus Christ it's my fucking girlfriend. This bitch is nuts. She's backing out, and must have seen me because she turns around and starts driving towards me. I'm just hoping she didn't call my house anymore because my mom was sleeping. So I wave at her, thinking she'll come get me and maybe I can blast this psycho quick. Not a bad way to end the night. This was NOT the case.

She's heading towards me, on the left side of the road...the side I was walking on...

Oh shit she's heading for me.

She's not slowing down, and creeping EVEN farther on the left side of the road. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

I'm waving, not yelling though, cause it's like 2AM and I don't want to wake the neighbors.

Does this bitch not see me or what?


FUCK THIS I do a fucking army roll over the snowbank into one of my neighbors yards just as she swerves away from me.


Thinking back, me leaping the snowbank must have looked pretty awesome. I did a somersault over this huge snowbank. I get up and there she goes down the road. My heart is racing like a mile a minute. Some people get their thrills by skydiving, or jumping multiple schoolbusses on motorcycles; I apparently get my rocks off by dating absolute lunatics of evil.

Not surprisingly, this was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

Do I really think she wanted to run my drunk ass down? Nah. Do I think she has the mental capacity to do something like that? FUCK YEAH I do. This bitch is batshit crazy. You wouldn't believe some of the shit she pulled. Another blog for another day, my friend

Some of you may have heard this story, and possible future stories, sorry.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

great, i look forward to hearing from you

...and by that I mean that I hope you die soon.

boners at work

So I was just going through our database at work, and I came across a customer called The Boner Group.

That's probably the best business name I've ever seen.

The Boner Group. With a name like that, I'm surprised I don't work there.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

we've gone legit

It's true, we're legit now. has business cards. And everybody knows that if you have business cards, you're legit.

Yeah you know how we do.

So legit.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

you are what you eat

Wait, so that would make me a deliciously brutal combination of buffalo wings, pieces of shit like you for breakfast, and souls, right?

Monday, September 29, 2008

the patented face

Some of you may know me in real life (sorry), some of you may not. You may have noticed I have posted the occasional picture of myself. Something else you might have noticed is the facial expression that I consistently make. My facial expression. This face has almost become synonymous with heckyeah-man, sawtooth, me, and whatever else I do. What is this face?

Yes, that is heckyeah-woman making a rare blog-appearance. The other gentleman shall remain nameless (like the hatebreed song).

Another better shot:

Clearly you can see this is *my* face. The reason for this post is simple: I was perusing through my record collection and I stumbled upon an insert that had a band member - band and member will remain nameless (again, like the hatebreed song) - making this very same face. Sorry bro, but this shit is copyrighted by heckyeah-man.i', and if I catch this shit happening again I'm gonna mash you like the little potato you are.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

it would be a great statement

I was watching a Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays game on TV the other night. Not sure if you've been following, but they've never won more than 70 games in a season (that's less than .500) haha. It's been pretty exciting for sure. They've just won their division and are going to the playoffs, and maybe even the World Series. They have one of the smallest payrolls in baseball. Pretty impressive.

Anyway, they just won the season series with the Boston Red Sox, and one of the announcers says something like: "What a great statement it would be if the community would come out to the game tomorrow, and the next couple days and show their support."

Wait, what?

You want the community - the fans, the ones that pay the salaries of the ridiculously overpaid players, managers, and owners - to pay the retardedly high ticket prices, just to show support? Support for professional baseball players that make enough goddamn money to buy their own goddamned support.

FUCK YOU ANNOUNCER. And you know what else? Fuck you baseball.

$7 beers

$3 hot dogs (this is fine, cause I love hotdogs at baseball games, but still)

$25 Rays t-shirts. Fucking T-shirts

You sonsabitches should be ashamed of yourselves.

Friday, September 26, 2008

iguanas are invading

I just saw some news story about how iguanas are all over the place in Boca Raton, FL. It was pretty cool actually, iguanas just chilling out on the side of the road. Literally, big ass iguanas were everywhere. One resident that was interviewed said something about how it's dangerous with all those iguanas - they could attack children and small dogs. Yeah, iguanas are actually herbivores. They interviewed another resident and she said something profound about how she "hopes the people in power start to notice this."

Notice what? A couple extra lizards just marinatin' in the sun?


Me? I hope the people in power notice, and do something about:

the economy

the housing/mortgage crisis

the national debt

creationism being taught in public schools

my constitutional rights being used as toilet paper

you know, things that actually affect my life, that matter...I could go on...

There are people in this country that actually still care whether 2 dudes get married, like it has any effect on anyone else's life, whatsoever...and this broad wants to talk about lizards. Lady, you're the reason we're stuck in this 2 party system where the people in power just keep bending us over.

Iguanas > fat retards

Thursday, September 25, 2008

i went to a concert last night

That's right. I sure did. Anyway, the band was great, and we all had a great time. I think the pinnacle of the night may have been me handing the singer of the band my business card. This wasn't just any business card; it was a business card. You bet I did. I got them shits ordered online and shipped right to my office for like $6. Pics of business cards coming soon.

If you can't dig these tunes, you may want to pull the dicks out of your ears and listen again.

Here, watch this video:

And here's the myspace:

happy birthday heckyeah-woman!



lol, I don't think she's reading this.

the advice column redux

You might remember a few posts back I posted my first advice column ever. M.H. from Cincinatti had written in to some advice thing looking for advice...and like an eagle, I poached that juicy nugget of vulnerability and offered my own real world solution. As luck would have it, somehow, some way, M.H. got her eyballs onto that very blog! True story, she read my advice, and from the looks of her response letter, she really took to heart what I had to say. Very sweet lady, she sounds very appreciative.

Lucky for all of you, I have a scanner and can digitally reproduce that very letter that she sent me:

Nothing but the best of wishes for you and your husband, MH! Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

the gatekeeper

So we went to this party on Friday night (like 2 weeks ago by now). And we had to get through the gatekeeper to get to it. The party was at this chick's apartment, and it was a very nice apartment. Very fancy, very high brow - well till we showed up. Anyway, the dude at the gate had like 2 inch long eyebrows, and we pull up, he asks for the drivers name, and he starts giving it. Finally, the gatekeeper is trying to figure how to spell it and write it down (cause it's a fucked up name for sure), when finally he just tells my brah to spell it. Midway through my buddy spelling his name, I say with a chuckle: "dude give him your real name".

At this point the gatekeeper flips out and I lean over and say "hey gatekeeper dude, I'm sorry, I was just messing around". We handed him our ID's and had to listen to him go on a 3 minute speech about how if anything happens tonight, "it's his fuckin ass on the line". And he's "just tryin ta do his fuckin job". Whatever, I apologized and we got the fo outta there. We had a good chuckle after we were a safe distance.

Oddly enough, upon leaving, my clearly intoxicated friend forgot to turn his lights on as we were heading out. Luckily for us the gatekeeper yelled in a cranky old-man voice: "YER LITES".

haha, omg we had plenty of lites, miller LITES. omg amirite or amirite.

That's when we learned why the gatekeeper is the gatekeeper.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

gettin' to be that time again.

It's true; I'm fixin' to get a haircut this weekend. I sure hope I can find a Great Clips coupon laying around. Riiiiight, like I don't horde those things like crazy. I guess more than hoping for a coupon, I'm hoping I don't get that beast looking broad to cut my hair. Damn, bitches be haggard.

Full update on the haircut can be expected Monday morning at O eight hundred hours, mate.