dear democrats

After the election happened, I was kinda glad that Harris was not our President, but even moreso, I was genuinely disgusted that Trump won. Obviously one of the two was gonna win. Then after a while I got hopeful. See, while Trump won the popular vote, he did so in a very unconvincing fashion - only a hair over 3 million more votes than he received in 2020. The voting age population grew by 12 million+ in that time. His base is shrinking at an unsustainable rate. Congress going the other color is more a common reaction to a weak Presidency, happens often. While related obviously, they are independent and certainly not indicative of a red wave. 

But it actually gets better! For some reason, nobody is taking about this: with over 6 million more votes for Biden in 2020 than for Harris in 2024 - where did all the Democrat voters go in 2024? They did not go to Trump, as noted above. Were Democrat voters really just THAT more engaged in 2020 (Covid - more time on their hands, easier to vote, crazy times, etc.)? Many articles have talked about blue voters going for Trump with a plethora of theories, mainly appeals to masculinity and those disenfranchised with the Democrat establishment, but from where I am sitting, it looks to me like those voters (and then some) just didn't vote. In WI, where I live, Harris got 1.668m votes, while the Democratic senator won with 1.673m votes. Look at those numbers, bigger turnout for non-Presidential races is not common, right!? 

Perhaps I am missing something, but I find this really interesting, and it gives me hope for the future - I believe that A LOT of people defiantly and triumphantly said that voting for the lesser of two evils is beneath them, despite the consequences. I've said this before and I'll say it again: I think many Democrat voters were turned off by the blue hubris that attempted to give them their new overlord. 

This is an excellent time for the Democratic Party to court those of us that are open to ideas that don't fall along strict ideological lines. Pander to us because our votes can help build something sustainable. Bush to Obama to Trump to Biden to Trump, are you seeing a pattern? If the alternative is Trump/a lunatic, it should be a slam dunk, but we probably won't be that engaged if you stay fringe-left. It's not asking for much, but simply "not Trump" is probably not good enough. Though a couple more months of Trump and that may change.

In the meantime, don't meet clown with more clown. Tacky, performative orange-man-bad antics don't help anybody. We want substance - meet bullshit MAGA lunacy with coherent arguments and facts, not myths that dodge hard truths. Trump hates remote government workers - then why is he golfing at Mar A Lago so much? Trump's insane numbers of government waste that has been cut? Debunk that again with actual numbers. Trump cutting DEI-related programs overseas that are monetarily meaningless (tens of millions vs billions) - pat him on the back and calmly explain how that money could be used to help Americans here. Obviously there is a strong case for overseas aid, but this is a smart optics upgrade. This could not be easier. Instead we are getting argumentative dismissals of perspectives because they are different and from the wrong "team".

Remember, marketing is important! How you market is just as important as what you market. Why do you think too many people don't care about climate change? You got a shithead like Al Gore moving the goalposts constantly and then you got the same people telling us that men can get pregnant and have periods - what the fuck did you think was gonna happen?! We are too busy to become climate scientists, and it's a lot easier to dismiss if you have crazy people in your ear. Almost the same exact thing with the anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers - Anthony Fauci, jesus christ, can we not do better than this?

Don't lose sight of the forest for the trees, or whatever that idiom is. It is OK to agree with Trump (and conservatives, and anybody really) on things, and acknowledge good things that are happening (deporting criminals, trimming government waste), but also attempting in earnest to work with the Trump administration to improve things (not be fucking awful, not deporting citizens/noncriminals, sensible/strategic cutting). Keep an accurate tally of dollars saved, but have it be accurate, unlike DOGE's shitshow tally. Acknowledge wins even if you don't agree with the winning team. Educate Americans on government spending - where meaningful cuts would actually come from (spoiler: it's really not good for oldsters, and you're only young once but old forever). 

Imagine how powerful a public display of cooperation (christ or even sanity) would be vs the tacky "protests" at Trump's last address. If you want the easiest home run in terms of being the bigger person or party, now is the time because as of March 2025 we are seeing a very low bar to be met to win the future.

Realize that there are other viewpoints out there, and anything that differs in the slightest is not a canned Republican talking point. An open mind has taken me from liberal Democrat to Libertarian to misanthropic asshole, never Republican though. Many of us don't wholesale buy into liberal views, though we do have many, and we don't think that Trump is Hitler, but we are repulsed by most MAGA-anything. Honestly, right now, I'd say that MAGA voters are more vile than Trump, but that's based more on comment sections, as I don't know many MAGAs in real life. Regardless, and this is important: not automatically agreeing with you and not buying liberal views does not make one a Trumper or MAGA voter or whatever. Read that again because it's really unclear how actively turning away potential voters helps the cause. Understand where you sit relative to the Overton Window, and politic accordingly. 

The more I talk to people, I am realizing there are more people like this out there, more than I initially thought. Understand that there are not that many people that actually want to fully open OR turn off immigration entirely, but every poll indicates that it needs to be reigned in. Same thing with gun control, we want it to be harder to obtain guns, but we need to ask hard questions about gun violence. There are common sense easy things we could do that include trigger/gun locks, secure storage, improved mental health checks, etc., that would be a form of "gun control", but would be really hard to justifiably be against. Bottom line, the hick with three teeth and a bunch of AR-15s that likes to shoot stuff in his field is not the problem (regarding guns). Sucks to admit that, but pick better battles and worthwhile enemies.

There are people that: want better healthcare but probably don't think the government should be put in charge of it, want to improve healthcare by putting an end to the collusion between insurance companies and healthcare corporations, support abortion, support women's healthcare rights, support meaningful gun control while owning guns, support trans rights but are skeptical of the movement, support gay marriage, oppose war, want immigration and immigrants but want more control, support foreign aid done in strategic ways, support Palestinian people but not Hamas, among many other things.

Mainstream media really hosed us. There is plenty that correctly skewers right wingers and Trump, but Fox is the only right wing mainstream media that I know of. There are no other mainstream checks on Democrats/liberals. Joe Rogan maybe, but I've never listened to his podcast, and the other social media folks are small beans compared to CNN, Atlantic, NYT, etc. Which is part of a bigger and related problem - maliciously misidentifying things that we don't understand or don't agree with. Just because we don't like it doesn't automatically make it "far-right", "racist", "white supremacist", "fascist", "nazi", etc. And just to be clear, those are all Very Bad Things, but not always accurate. I often say, "not every asshole is a racist, but every racist is an asshole". Same thing. My take is that it is this wolf-crying fuckery in the media that desensitized many to Trump and MAGA shitwits the first time around, helping at least partly with the 2024 Presidential victory. Same with legit climate change folks being aligned with pregnant dude nutjobs - it just got dismissed due to association with straight up being wrong.

Biden's candidate-tanking behavior aside, I bet if Harris would have properly been disassociated from her senile corrupt piece of shit predecessor. then still run the campaign she ran, Trump would have been crushed in November. Worth noting, while audibly annoying and probably a bit of a bimbo, I think she might just have been one of the stronger Democrat candidates I've seen...though my first vote was in 2000 and that has since yielded awful candidates like Gore, Clinton, and Obama.

I was going to write a "Dear Republicans" one, but fuck them. 

Couple quick election 2024 thoughts

Last week I noticed that Harris received substantially fewer votes than Biden did in 2020 (more on that below), and that piqued my interest. With around 98% reporting in, here are some more numbers and what I think they say, without much weighing-in on the merit of either candidate.

- Voter turnout is usually around 60%, ranging from 55-65% since 1992. *TBD this year though.
- Trump got 50.4% of the vote, about 900k more votes than he received in 2020.
- Harris got 48% of the vote, about 9M fewer votes than Biden got in 2020.
- There are 12.5M more voting age people in 2024 than in 2020.
- Higher turnout in 2020 (65%) - in a pandemic, voting was easy, we were engaged politically cause we had a lot of time to argue about politics.
- 12.5M people at 60% turnout = 7.5M more voter age people probably/actually voting.
- 48% of 7.5M = 3.6M potential more Democrat votes than 2020
- 50.4% of 7.5M = 3.78M potential more Republican votes than 2020
- In WI, Tammy Baldwin got 1.672M votes (and beat a straight white male); Harris got 1.667M.

Trump's +900k vote count is important because if your voting base is not growing with the population, you have a problem. Obviously Democrats have a huge problem too - my guess is voters that typically vote Democrat, but skew more undecided, were alienated en masse by the hubris with which Biden dropping out was handled by DNC overlords. I think that was enough of a push for a lot of unenthusiastic voters to defiantly and triumphantly say that voting for the lesser of two evils is beneath them. We've been voting for the lesser of two evils for my entire voting life.

My take is that if the Democrat candidate had been stronger and had a traditional campaign, or been in the right place at the right time (like Biden in 2020), he or she would have had a good turnout and crushed Trump again. Harris was in a bit of a pickle as the incumbent VP for an outgoing single-term President that had a less than stellar term. Seems to be a party problem rather than a candidate problem as I don't think Harris is any worse than any candidate in my 24 year old voting life.

I could be wrong and what I see as a refreshing streak of dissent could just be pessimism and apathy, which is still maybe a step closer to unity, right?

it finally happened

Somebody used the word "microaggressions" in casual conversation. 

With a straight face. 

In a totally non-ironic fashion. 

I heard it. 

I was there. 

Up until this point, I'd only ever heard of "microaggressions" in shoddy journalism, never in like a real-life scenario.

Semi-thankfully I was wearing sunglasses so my reaction was half-masked. Well probably more like almost fully obscured. I tend to make exaggerated facial expressions with my eyes more than anything. So aside from a probably audible chuckle, my reaction may have gone unnoticed.

Here in Northwestern Wisconsin, trends tend to arrive a little after they hit in more metropolitan areas. And they might often be more of a caricature of the original idea. And in this situation, well I guess in any situation where one might feel micro-agressed-upon, the high probability of it being a caricature is certainly non-zero, dangerously approaching certainty.

I don't remember the full word-for-word offending conversation here, but it was relating to this chick going for a walk and tripping on the sidewalk and something about racism or the Patriarchy or Whatever.

fitting in is hard

But I'm trying man. It's been tough, but I've managed to include certified Chippewa Valley Normie language in just about every correspondence over the last week and a half and I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Referring to obvious non-sirs as "sir", was probably the first and easiest step to take in this transition. This aspect has been seamless.

After that super easy (shit, the "super"lative!) first step, I graduated to incorporating the ever popular and clearly incorrect usage of "myself" on it's own. Unironically adding it to the gratuitous, "circle back to follow up and loop myself in" phrase was a breeze.

I hate who I am becoming, but to put it simply, it's been liberating.

But shoot man, I am like one plural noun with an apostrophe away from wryly wearing Hey Dude shoe's.

Stay tuned for updates on this journey as I learn to live my current chosen truth.

guess I just never thought people really believed it

I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I'm kinda blown away, but I was recently taken aback by the revelation that people really believe stuff in the bible. 

All my life, I just kinda thought that religious people or people that think they're religious were always like "heh cool", and were just hanging out for the community aspect. Like a "wink, nod" kinda thing among friends. Disclaimer, I spent first through third grade in catholic school.

But it hit me recently, "holy shit, people really believe this". Like, I think there are people that genuinely believe an omnipresent ghost-like super-being created the Earth six thousand years ago and that dudes were fighting dinosaurs. I always just likened it to being similar to how children like cartoons. Can't knock it too hard though cause it was pretty sweet in high school when my friend and I hitched a ride with a church group to go see MxPx in scuzzy bar in Milwaukee. Punk rock, man.

It's not like those of us that don't believe that stuff don't actually see any value in religion. The community aspect is definitely there. There's some pretty reasonable but often ignored morals that humanity needs. It's convenient to explain away things that are hard to understand; I guess that's a way to live or whatever.

Even modern religions like diversity & trans fetishism and then like the whole anti-vaxxing/anti-masking doctrines are really similar. It's just a community of people that actively choose to believe things that simply aren't real. 

But yeah, again, I can see the appeal or comfort in following these kinds of myths.

is it a dogwhistle?

All this talk and blog posting about small weiners and big pickup trucks, got me thinking about yep, small weiners and big pickup trucks. But like, the backing-a-huge-pickup-truck-into-a-parking-spot thing, I'm curious if that's like the Jeep Wave, but for those with micro-peens.

It's like dogwhistling a "what's up" to a certain segment of the micro-peen population.

In what ways can other segments of the micro-peen population dogwhistle each other? Really makes ya wonder.

questions and answers

The other day I whipped out my pocket knife to cut open a box. My five year old noticed this, and asked, "Daddy, why do you always carry a knife?"

Because I am incapable of answering a question, and generally always do things wrong (have been for the last 40+ years), HeckYeahWoman jumped in and said something about how useful and handy it is to carry a knife.

As it turns out, that was not the complete answer. Yeah, my reason for carrying a knife is related to how useful it is, but for so much more than just opening a package. I like to think that it opens up opportunities too. I went on to explain my reasoning:

You see, whenever I am out and about in public, and if I have a couple extra minutes, heck sometimes I even make time, I like to pull the old "finger through the toilet paper" trick. And before she could ask what that "finger through the toilet paper" trick is, I explained. Check this out, if I have an extra couple minutes, I'll hop into a public restroom, go into a stall, get out my knife, and poke a tiny slit in each square of the already thin and cheap toilet paper. This will make it easy for the finger(s) of that toilet paper's user to burst through one or two squares, putting finger to butthole, the ultimate indecency when shitting in a public bathroom. I then meticulously roll up the slightly altered toilet paper, and place it back into the dispenser.

And what does my daughter say after this quick tutorial on being awesome? She said, "Papa, that's really clever; I want to do that when I am old enough to use a knife".

thought it might be funny

Speaking/thinking of tiny wieners a week or two ago, I had a funny thought as I completed my daily ritual of rereading my last fifteen posts.

Thought it'd be funny to buy an electric vehicle and back it into parking spots next to huge pickup trucks.

But like one of those small beta-looking hatchback ones, like a Kia or Hyundai or something.

Maybe not that funny, sorry.

passing

Just thought of a new TikTok trend called "passing".

Millennials and teens film themselves swallowing various items with the intention of shitting the items out, and then retrieving them from their feces. I can see this taking on a "challenge" element - who can pass the most expensive, exotic, dangerous, challenging, sharp & pokey, biggest, etc. thing. 

Wonder if it would be limited to inanimate objects. Probably not.

My guess is that most of these folks will miss the actual shitting of the item. People want instant gratification, and waiting the 1.71 days for it to pass is going to result in some kids swallowing a mouse, and then eagerly and unsuccessfully digging through their very next dump while a mouse turns his bowels into an entraily hamster wheel.

Or some kid gets bold and swallows his mom's expensive jewelry. After the first unsuccessful attempt at passing, kid gets nervous, his older sibling catches wind of what's happening, and sees an opportunity. As the swallowing kid gets more and more desperate after another couple desperate and fruitless forced shits, older sibling starts filming these episodes, which culminates in either the swallowing kid performing self-surgery to recover the jewelry, or the mom getting involved, taking more drastic and brutal measures to reclaim what is rightfully hers. Either way, this evolves into 10/10 content. 

Plot twist: the swallowed jewelry is an expensive diamond necklace that was a gift to the mom from the man she cheated on swallowing kid's father with, which began a bitter divorce that profoundly impacted the swallowing kid.

What about Passing getting taken to the next level, "treasure hunting"? Kid posts a video of himself swallowing a valuable object, only to then have a group of treasure hunters track him down and forcefully extract it.

Don't forget to wash your hands and clean the shit out from under your fingernails.

unsolicited blog post

We received a facebook message regarding one of our recent posts. I suspect it is from a local.

Avid Reader (AR): bet u woudlnt say that too my face

Heck Yeah, Man (HYM): What's that?

AR: i have a small dick

HYM: That stinks man, have you tried Extenze or Hims?

Three days later:

HYM: Also, I see those late night ads with hall of famer Frank Thomas; he sells Nugenix. That might help you out too. The Big Hurt, man.

AR: dude fuck new genix dude. u pussy wouldnt say it to my face i know that

AR: pussy bitchc

HYM: You are not wrong.

AR: wouldtn do shit i bet

HYM: Your name is chad isn't it?

AR: yeah howd u know that u on the internet.

HYM: Your messages are coming from your personal facebook account. I bet you have a shitty goattee too.

AR: *is typing*

HYM: From your profile pic, asshole.

AR: *is typing*

HYM: Can I borrow your cool Polaris jacket?

blocked

tell me you have a tiny weiner without tel

 

 

IYKYK

quick update

Hey just a quick heads up here - wanted to let you know that we have decided to begin using pronouns on this site.

Due to the prevalence of what is generally considered "normie" culture here, and the trend of people adopting pronouns for non-ironic usage, we decided that now is the time. Our pronouns will reflect that, and are potentially fluid to stay current with trends and shifts in culture.

We agonized over how to best incorporate this craze into our lives, and "thus" considered many and varied pronouns and non-pronouns-as-pronouns, even inanimate-objects-as-pronouns.

Just want to be honest - if we could (or should) use "backing a huge pickup truck into a parking space" as a pronoun, we would. 

For similar reasons, the following were also considered, and then cast aside as potential pronouns:

"anti-vax asshole/anti-masker shithead"

"Under Armour Hat and Sweatshirt from the clearance rack at Scheel's"

"little dick energy"

"flush'ier de turlet"

"weekday dinner at Texas Roadhouse"

"full price VIP tickets to Rock Fest"

"gun control"

As a journalist by trade, we know that our pronouns will need to honor our lived truth. So we compiled some of the most common and egregious grammar mistakes and we are speaking power to truth by literally unpacking these appropriations. Employing them in an empowering and diverse context - this is us promoting awareness, masturbatory nature of our thoughts and words without actions be damned.

Without further ado, our pronouns are: myself / sir / noun's. 

 This is fluid, so we do anticipate a change to just frog/frogs at some point in the near future.

Upcoming: we just remembered that we saw on twitter a couple years ago, that a semi-famous actor was "deadnamed" one time. So def keep your eyes peeled for our updated policy on "deadnaming". This will apply to both real life and "that which is imagined". 

no I get it

I really do. I empathize and sympathize or whatever. I don't really respect it or appreciate it, but I get it.

Anti-maskers, anti-vaxxers - I get it.

It is no secret to reasonable people that the average COVID-denier is full of absolute shit. The wild success of materials science (waterproof jackets, boats, etc.) and the medical field (eyeglasses, heart surgery, etc., for example) have proven beyond a doubt that both masks and vaccines work. Many of these folks probably have a fair amount of positive experiences with the fruits of labor in these fields.

Then why the highly politicized and absolutely wrong stance taken on by your average COVID-denier, logical fallacies be damned?

Critical thinking skills are not on trial here, instead consider at a higher level - many folks promoting masks and vaccines - what else is a very vocal subset of that population talking about?

Things like this:

1. Men can have babies; men can have periods. And if you don't automatically accept this as gospel, you are transphobic and all kinds of other bad made up stuff. And probably white supremacist too. Maybe in a decade or two we will see some sort of confirmation of a dude having a baby or something, I doubt it, but eh.

2. The US government nearly fell victim to a dangerous insurrection by a bunch of Dungeon & Dragon playing cosplayers. Yes, we barely lived through a revolution where the end of a Donald Trump presidency was almost overthrown by a bunch of Donald Trump supporting LARPers. Never forget. But I did forget to mention that many of these almost-overthrowers were wearing costumes lol. Honestly I have seen more plausible and likely scenarios in wildly complex conspiracy-theory movies. Imagine serving in an actual war, seeing horrors beyond belief, not dying, getting old, and then seeing words like "nazi", "fascist", or "insurrection" get totally redefined with the new meaning of the word completely unrelated to the original. That's gotta be a lot to process.

3. A white supremacist organization that is led by somebody that is not white has infiltrated the government at every level. I hate white supremacy and white supremacists as much as the next person, but I am still trying to wrap my head around this one. Fear the Proud Boys lol.

4. The election where their candidate lost was clearly stolen by Russia, but questioning the election where their candidate won, well that's just crazy. I thought we all expected a certain high degree of foul play by everybody involved in elections. Somewhere, Keith Olberpersonn just got an idea for a talk show segment.

5. In a greedy, capitalist, profit-driven culture, where women get paid seventy five cents to every dollar that men get paid for the "same" job, greedy profit-driven capitalists strongly prefer to pay more for men to do the "same" work. What version of crapitalism are we running here!?

6. Inanimate objects will get up and start killing people, but it's only worth talking about sometimes. Sometimes not though. 

I totally understand folks wanting to just chalk masks and vaccines up to being just another round of made up stuff. Over a year into a pandemic, we are seeing how that is working out for deniers though lol.

the operation

I had surgery in December 2019. It was way easier than I thought it was going to be. Full disclosure - It was a vasectomy and I was relatively nervous about the procedure. A co-worked told me that it was really painful and one of the worst experiences of his life. Considering the nature of the operation, yeah, that had me a little worried. Long story short, it was a breeze - fast and pretty painless. You should definitely get one before you do something that I'll regret.

One thing that also stuck with me, after almost two years, and probably will for the rest of my life, is the short conversation between the two doctors performing the procedure.

The whole thing took about 45 minutes from the minute I got into the operating room to the minute I pulled up my pants and slowly limped out the exit. The docs started off pretty pro, a little small talk about the weather to kick things off, then telling me how the procedure would go, getting me comfortable on the bed, and then getting right to work. I put my headphones in right away, only pausing the tunes when I would see what looked like a focused or serious look in their faces. 

About five minutes in, I could tell something was on the mind of one of the doctors. He'd look up inquisitively at the other doctor and his mouth would almost form a word, as if he wanted to say something. Then he'd shake his head once or twice and look back down. This happened about three times.

Finally the other doctor noticed.

Older Doctor (D1): "What's on your mind?"

Younger Doctor (D2): "Oh nothing"

D1: "C'mon, let's get this done and then get outta here. Spit it out, question about what I'm doing?"

D2: "No, it's stupid" with a short, nervous chuckle

D2: "It's just that, how...no, let's keep going"

D1: "It's just that what?" 

D2: "I don't know, I'm just trying to understand"

D1: "Understand what?"

D2: "Well, it's just like, like, how do you think he holds that thing with just two hands? Jesus."

the neighbor boy

I bet I was seven or eight years old. That would have been like 1988 or 89, but it was definitely the summer; I remember that much. For some reason I remember watching part of a Star Wars movie that afternoon. I must've gotten bored because next thing I know, I found myself outside with my brother probably playing on the swing set or something. All of a sudden we heard a voice, the voice of a child. It was playful, and had a jolly or goofy sound to it. Turns out it was our new neighbor over there on the other side of the fence.

His name was Joel, and he was like four or five. Definitely younger than us. He had just moved in, so we didn't know him very well. Nevertheless, he asked if we wanted to play on his swing set, so we climbed the fence to go from playing on our swing set, to playing on his swing set. I don't remember much about the swing set because we were not on it for very long. Then he asked us if we wanted to come in and play. If I knew then what I know now about the events that would unfold upon entering that house, I surely would have made up some excuse about having to go home for supper.

Obviously being blind to the immediate future (and beyond), we went in to play, and wound up playing in his basement. It was a pretty sweet set up - nice soft carpet, a cool plastic jungle jim thing, buncha toys, pretty awesome setup for an only child and neglectful parents. The carpet though, it stuck out in my mind because it was so velvety soft, and that tan color. Oh man, it was like caramel.

That little dude had a sweet cache of He-Man toys: He-Man, Skeletor, the whole lot, even that weird felt dude that smelled like the woods. He had the castle, he had GI Joes, MASK, all the good stuff that an 80s kid with lots of toys would have. But then the good times quickly faded into not super good times. Joel shit himself.

It's true. It wasn't like an immediate fart blast that everybody heard, laughed about, and then verbally wondered if it was a #FartPlus, a straight up shart, full on self-shitting incident, or a false alarm. No this was a briefly subtle scent that wafted to us, as if the stench itself wanted to be discovered. Unfortunately, My brother and I are not in the stench-discovering business, and it must have taken a while, because as I think back about the five or so minutes prior to the first scents, I can see it all so clearly.

Joel did have a brief pause and giggled to himself. I just thought it was because he was pumped that he grabbed the Skeletor toy that nobody was playing with. Turns out, it was the little-kid enjoyment of that sweet release of a turd into the loose-fitting reigns of underwear, rather than pinching out a coil into the soft, smushy, bear-hug of a diaper.

We played on, hoping, assuming, praying, that it was just a fart. Without us having to ask, as the stink lingered, Joel just came out and said, in a child-like playful fashion, "I pooped my pants". And then with sudden adult-like clarity and maturity, Joel followed up with, "You can't tell my parents". That took us all, even him, by surprise. The irony here is obvious: the opposite of the elegant and professional delivery of a message constructed for the simple mind of youth.

Nevertheless, you can imagine the predicament this put me in. I was the oldest of us three under-nine kids, playing together alone in the basement, which made me the default leader in this trio. This was my time to shine, to take charge. So what do I do? I obviously ask if we can see the turd.

Knowing that he did not want us to get his parents, our minds raced into problem-solving mode. Maybe his bedroom is down here so we can get some clean undies? But then what about the poop & dirty underwear? Maybe there is a bathroom down here? Can we sneak upstairs and clean this mess up on the lowlow? The more time we debated what to do, the more time Joel spent in his current soiled state.

Sometimes you just gotta rip the band aid off, so finally my brother and I mustered up enough courage to just go upstairs and tell his parents that their son had pooped his pants. It was a slow walk up the steep, carpeted stairs. The weight of the message we felt we had to deliver made the steps feel almost like quicksand. I recall having flashes of being in a desert.

We got to the top of the stairs, which opened into the kitchen, and then immediately to the right was the living room where the parents were watching TV. I don't recall what was on - a show, a movie, no idea. I just remember stepping into the hallway and seeing the TV screen clearly, with each parent in a recliner on opposite sides of the TV. After what seems like an eternity to climb the stairs, we were now staring down what looked like the longest hallway in the world. The light at the end of this tunnel was a TV. Seems about fitting for the 80s.

The whole time here, Joel was downstairs, languishing in his shit-filled underwear. And my brother and I were spending an inordinate amount of time bickering about what to do. With the proper context, sometimes our problems can seem so trivial.

We finally made our way to the parents, and when we got there, we stood behind them, silently, unnoticed, still out of view. The parallels to my adult life here are uncanny. Do I wait for a commercial, do I just go for it? What is the protocol here? I remember looking at my brother for confirmation that this was something we had to do. He nodded affirmatively. Joel's parents still had no idea we were there. I swallowed, and it must have been loud enough for the mom to hear, as her head twitched. But not loud enough to capture any attention. So I went for it. I looked down at the ground and sheepishly blurted out

writing sample from a local adult

We are in the process of relaunching the blog here and so I am looking for a little bit of help. I put a few feelers out locally to see if we can add a writer to the staff.  My goal is to give a voice to the average Chippewa Valleyian. We are still determining if that is a voice that should be audible.

Full disclosure; I sent the following facebook message to a couple semi-randomly selected facebook profiles that I found on a local "stuff for sale" marketplace. I inquired via a direct message that is attached to their listing. This dialogue has been copied and pasted, without any editing.

heckyeah, man (HYM): Hello Doug, we are actively looking to expand the content of our local tastemaker/cultural commentary blog. I am hoping to take on an additional writer or two. If you are interested, please tell me about the last interesting thing you did, and we can go from there.

Doug: Are you interested in my fishing boat i am selling .what

Doug: are you talking about the last time i used the boat

HYM: Tell me about the last interesting thing you did, Doogie. 

Doug: its dug

Doug: DOUG,

Doug: The Last Place i went was kwik Trip and i got 2 gallon's of Milk a apple, and bag of chip's. it was just the kiddo's (Brayden, chad and Ashlynn), my girlfriend and myself. And they wanted to get some candy but we were gonna stop at the Burger king after

Doug: is that what u are lookin for

HYM: What did you get at Burger King, Dog?

Doug: my gf wants to know why you are asking all these questions

HYM: That is exactly what I am looking for. Thanks Duog.

Doug: thank u sir 

Doug: hey are u intersted in the boat?

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: THE RETURN!!!

It's been a minute eh since the last HUMP DAY PUMP UP. Gotta bring the PUMP in this triumphant return.

I don't know man, this vid always gets my pump juices flowin'. 

Boogie boards in the pit? CHECK
Sick little breakdown? CHECK
Everybody havin' fun and slam dancin? MOTHERPUMPIN' CHECK
40 year old dude floorpunching in the kitchen while working when this song comes on? CHECK YEAH MAN

Forget California, man, I'd love to see a WISCONSIN style video like this. I'm talkin' like snowmobiles and chainsaws in the pit, Hellfest 2004 style. I'm talkin' like some hick in a Busch Lite hat finishing up a shitty dinner at Texas Roadhouse and blasting Disturbed while driving his 2007 Ford F350 Super Duty right through the pit man GET PUMPED.

Speaking of pits, check this little jam out. It's wild that Terror has been a band for around 20 years. It's no secret that I am a fan of abrasive, loud, heavy music, and Terror is one of those bands that always delivers (LISTEN TO THIS SONG RIGHT NOW AND PREPARE TO GET BUCK WHEREVER YOU ARE). But at the same time, like, this dude is yelling as hard as he can in two minute blasts, how is there a market for this. I know there is far more brutal and unhinged music out there, but the raw and simple rage that is Terror's sound still after 20 years, pretty crazy innit.

 

Ain't no road too long when I'm on my bike heading to the local brewery up the road to try their new Dildobreath Hazy IPA made with dragonfruit and goat milk and whatever other dandelion hops they stole from the local microgreen farmer just make one normal dark beer please JESUS.

Gonna give leggings a try

These are pretty cool, right?
 

 

Or what about these cool veggie burger styled leggings?