Friday, February 3, 2012

the case for lower urinals

While peeing at work the other day, standing up, I had a startling realization: the average setting height of urinals should be universally lowered to that of a standard child's urinal.

Sounds weird right? Yeah, but the two urinals in each (men's) bathroom at work are at different heights and I always find myself using the lower one. Below you'll find solid, if not childish reasoning why there should be a federal mandate (man-date) for lower urinals.

The splish-splash factor.

I walk away from the lower urinals with a lot less pee-splash on my hands than I do when I pee at the higher urinals. Physics tells you that there's gonna be splash no matter what the height of the urinal is. And with the lower height, more splash goes onto my pants. And that's where we want it.

Now that may not seem like a good thing, more pee splashing on the pants. But dude, I eat with my hands. Totally can't remember the last time I ate with my pants. Even worse, with all the gross weirdos that pee at work, molecules of their pee are also being splashed back onto me as my Adonis-like stream of liquid gold urine ricochets off the urinal and agitates the pee-particles of others right up into the world and onto me and mine. Would you rather have my pee on your hands or your pants?

Bottom line, the higher urinal splashes more urine per second, onto greater heights, than the lower one. And with the amount of simian troglodyte fucks that somehow manage to actively refrain from washing their hands, we need to help them keep as much excrement off their hands as we can. Cause those assholes are always touching stuff.

And of course we can't neglect the cliche "I need more room for my dong" argument.

Viva la lower urinal terlets!

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