Friday, December 16, 2011

holiday party etiquette, a guide

Hey fine folks out there looking to get your party on this holiday season! We here at hym have (quickly) thrown together a guide to holiday party etiquette with this handy little DOs and DON'Ts of Holiday Party Etiquette.

Read on:

DO act morbid. Constantly talking about death, dying and injury lets other party-goers know that you’ve not merely accepted your fate, but you embrace it. And you’re more mature/manly/humpable because of it. Sharing just the simple fact that once you are born, you spend the rest of your meaningless existence dying will increase the holiday cheer because people will hopefully begin to realize how fragile life truly is.

And that this could possibly be the last holiday party of their life. El tiempo es ahora para bonin', chica.

DO talk about politics and religion. Often times holiday parties are filled fulla people from various groups and backgrounds, with the only thing in common being maybe a tangential relationship to the host. How are you supposed to know what interests and conversations each party-goer favors?

By bringing up subjects on which everybody has an opinion! Plus if you’re single and looking to nail a chick, very few things soothe a slore’s emotions like you agreeing with her feminazi bullshit. Yeah, you may piss some people off by boldly bringing up traditionally taboo conversations, but, well, fuck their holiday party experience anyway.

DON’T blindly sample the various foods, especially if it’s a potluck style party. Make sure you know who brought what. You may not know each person, how they live, or how they prepare their food, those unclean fucks. ‘Course once you ascertain that the devil eggs were made with the unsoiled hands of a clean-living angel, hit them with the ferocity of a feral cat in heat.

But check this, by knowing that the smokin’ redhead in the corner brought the meatloaf bites, you now have the ammo you need to try to get in her pants. And trust me, bitches love to be told how great their cooking is.

Since we’re talking about food, it should go without saying to mind your teeth and breath.

DON’T arrive empty-handed. Because you better goddamn not be leaving empty-handed. If you show up with nothing and leave with a couple bottles of liquor, or somebody else’s jacket, purse, wallet, casserole dish, or even a corpse, karma is gonna punish your cheap ass.

Do the right thing; bring a bottle of wine or alcohol, some food, flowers or some shit. Think of it like a token offering to the gods, for your merry holiday plunder. Tis the season of giving!

...however voluntary or involuntary.

DON’T leave without taking a sloppy, messy, wet shit. The idea here is stealth; you don’t want people to know what kind of horrors you’re committing until afterward. Diligently cover up the stink or the smell, and of course the sounds, by sneaking into a master bath or an upstairs bathroom. Remember, you don’t ever want to be that guy. Unless you like chicks being repulsed by you.

If leaving the party solo, this is a great parting gift to the shitty hosts who managed to provide food, drink, crappy music, mostly good times, but no poon. Fuck them. And fuck their gross, soggy, homemade cheesecake.

And finally, DO always thank the hosts for a great time. C’mon, we’re not savages or animals here.

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