Monday, November 14, 2011

winery tour

Had a nice little weekend with Heckyeahwoman. Took a short little winery tour of some SE Michigan...uh, wineries. The final destination was a quaint little BnB (Bed and Breakfast, you uncultured fucks) in a quaint little town.

But for the purpose of this blog, the peak of the trip came immediately after dinner. So rest assured that we sampled some delicious wines and had a quick snack at Culver's. After arriving at the Bed and Breakfast, we admired the room and building, had a little wine, then headed out to the bar for a couple pre-dinner drinks.

Wound up in some rural ass bar, Charlie's Saloon, and had a couple could ones before The Meal. There was a very rural biker woman there who said something very rural and funny, but I can't remember what it was. It's funny because I meant to type a note into my phone to remember, but thought that it was way too funny for me to forget. I forgot.

Dinner was at a nice restaurant, Shuler's. It was a dinner club kinda place, you know, good food, old people, kinda fancy, PRIME FUCKIN' RIB, kinda pricey, awesome. The restaurant was great, our meals fantastic. The waiter even gave us a free desert!

I'm not sure if the table next to us had the same sentiment. It was a twenty-something couple (closer to twenty) and what we are assuming were the broad's parents. But the broad would not shut up.

I'm talking wearing her winter hat at the dinner table and running her fucking mouth nonstop. She loves her dad, she loves her parents, she loves her boyfriend because he's pretty good to her, she this she that holy shit shut your woman's cocksucker or I'm going to come over there and beat the verbal communication out of her.


I think she was as loaded as the parents were embarrassed. So yeah.

Anyway, after dinner, we were looking at the random swag the restaurant had for sale when I unleashed the longest, yet surprisingly quietest fart that I've ever shared with those in my immediate vicinity. The only thing I didn't realize was that there was a low couch directly behind me. With a woman sitting on it.

She got more than cropdusted; I literally dropped that insane fart like right on her head. Energy density. And it stunk so bad. Worse, the fart followed me up to the cash register. We were all collectively wallowing in that humid vapor excrement that polluted the restaurant's air and certainly ruined the appetite for a couple patrons.

Had I known her head was going to be right there, I would have not inadvertently melted the hairspray on the back of her head.

I would not have turned on the shit-powered hair dryer.

I would not have dispersed the scent of the sockless shoe of a migrant worker in a Mississippi summer.

I would have done things differently.

So yeah, great weekend. Great little mini-trip.

Unfortunately I found a job and I start Monday. We will be mourning the loss of my 9-5 freedom by heading to the bar to watch the PACKERS CRUSH THE VIKINGS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL HECK YEAH

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