Monday, November 7, 2011

the handshake

This post is brought to you by the rash of FUCKING ASSHOLES whose hands I have shaken lately.

Here's the thing - I'd venture a guess that I'm generally stronger than most of the people whose hands I shake. Just the way it is, no biggie. But for some reason, I've been getting really hard handshakes lately. Maybe these jokers see how strong I am and attempt to prepare, assuming I'm going to give a burly handshake myself.

A little about my handshake style: firm but not crushing. I prefer to give a nice, solid handshake to let you know that I've arrived and I'm saying "what's up" to you, right now. There's no proving anything, no showing you up, no pissing contest, just a stupid-ass gesture that people traditionally do.

But lately I've been getting assholes trying to crush my hand. And when I say that, I mean these assholes are genuinely trying to tell me something through a handshake. Funny, cause I have something to say too, and if I wasn't always with my wife when this shit happens, there'd be a fucking trail of dead bodies you fucking anorexic looking twinks.

Let me share just a light smattering of the punks that have tried to act hard.

Asshole #1 - skinny twerp gave me a strong handshake, and after a couple drinks I was feeling kind of saucy, so I gave him what I like to call "the pulsing strongshake." Basically it's just what it sounds like: immediate detection of an asshole handshake followed by a series of strong, pulsing squeezes.

Asshole #2 - total fucking loser gave me the hard handshake, so I squeezed harder and silently thanked my parents and their genes for not giving me that dude's godawful face and body type.

Asshole #3 - dude was bigger than me, but the skinny jeans and tight clothing screamed femininity. The handshake took me completely by surprise.

Slore #1 - I'm on a job interview and you're trying to hulk out on me in your pointy high heels and pencil skirt? REALLY? I'M GOING TO BEAT THE MANHANDS OUT OF YOU, SLORE.

"Listen you fucking geek, is this something you really want to do? You want to act hard in this very nonconfrontational social setting? I've got a knife in my pocket, brass knuckles, and the last time I fucking punched somebody; homeboy was out cold on the bar floor. That sound like a fun night out to you?

This is not the smartest decision you've ever made. While yeah, you seemed to get off scott-free here, I can't guarantee that I'll turn the other cheek next time. So here, shake my hand again you fucking suburban nerd."

There's a difference between a monstrous dude who gives a strong handshake consistently and a little twerp who tries to give a strong handshake. Because honestly, if you can't make something as simple as a handshake look effortless, why bother?

Bad Religion may have had it mostly right; maybe a handshake really is nothing more than a "total fuck you." Maybe it's a nonverbal challenge to see who can say "fuck you" the loudest.

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