Monday, September 26, 2011

new red boxers

Hope everybody had a great weekend. We celebrated Heckyeahwoman's birthday Saturday night and all day on Sunday. She got some great gifts, excluding mine, cause it sucked, or, in her words: "it's the gayest gift ever."

Nevertheless, we had a nice little Sunday with a Bloody Mary or two, a couple leprechaun bombs, awesome brunch at the local gay bar, beautiful weather and our favorite pizza. Let's talk about "new red boxers":

Long before I threw my support behind banana hammocks, I was rocking boxer briefs. This is a short tale of one of my experiences with new boxer briefs.

I don't know, I think I was at Target or something, threw a 3-pack of boxer briefs into the cart, not really thinking much of it. It was time for a couple new pairs of undies, so yeah, there we were.

Don't know about you, but I usually try to wash undergarments immediately after purchase. You know, people are gross and return policies can be so lax sometimes. It was late Sunday evening and laundry was the last thing I felt like doing. Besides, the package was untampered with. Wore a new pair Monday morning, and it was everything I thought it would be.

Got to the office around 7:30ish - in the morning. Yeah, that was rough. Those were some long ass days, early mornings till around 6 or 6:30 at night. That's beside the point. I was about to experience some of the most intense, short-lived stress that I've ever felt.

So it's probably around 9:00am and the coffee is surging through me like a blitzing linebacker, gotta pee bro. Surprised I even made it that long. Just standing there in the one-person bathroom, doing my business when I glance down admiringly at my wang, and see red splotches on it.


This can't be right.

I looked closely, while handling it delicately. My heart was beating furiously.

I tried to wipe it off, nothing. Very nervous now.

It was like all my energy had been drained, like someone stuck a spigot in my neck and opened the floodgates. I just wanted to sink into the ground. Can totally still feel that exact same feeling of overwhelming despair when I think back about it.

Very nervously heading back to my cube, I sat down, but needed another look. First I did a little stealth search on the internet, but came up with nothing that made me feel better. Yeah, gonna have to look again.

Back to the bathroom.

By this point I was sweating, and my mind was wandering. No way was I going to be able to work until my wein regained it's status as a shining beacon of awesome.

Back to the bathroom, for real this time.

Obviously I didn't have to pee, but I whipped it out, and peered at it furiously. Yep, red splotches were still there. Almost naturally I grabbed a handful of toilet paper, ran it under the sink for a second, and wiped on my dong.

Gone. The dong was clean.

That was too easy, this can't be.

After inspecting the business end of the wad of wet toilet paper, I was hugely relieved to see the culprit: red lint from my new red boxers.

It was just the goddamn lint. Had I washed them the night before, surely that would have taken care of the lint.

Ungoddamn believable.

That feeling of relief, of weight being lifted off my shoulders is what I go back to in my mind as my happy place. I suggest you all do the same.

1 comment:

debbie. said...

This is a very touching and heartfelt story. Thanks, but you could have described your peehole, please.