Monday, September 19, 2011

monday morning advice

Little bit of funny I found from an advice column.

Q. Do all men look at porn? Seriously? It used to bother me so much that I found my husband looking at porn so much. We have an active sex life and a good marriage. He is looking at very "normal" stuff. Why do they do it? I've resigned myself not to get upset about it anymore, but it does bother me to an extent.

A: The fact that you asked this question, or series of questions, tells me that you don't know men at all. You may be an antisocial shut-in too. Chances are pretty good that you are pretending to be married, and imagining your husband/good marriage/active sex life. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that you're probably a dude that has been called "tuna can" one too many times.

Nevertheless, assuming you're a happily married woman, porn is kind of an unspoken truth in relationships where men are involved.

Here's to me the real problem left unmentioned: watching porn and not whacking off. The question I pose to you, weirdo, is if your husband is going to watch porn, why is he not slapping his salami to the point of no return? (that was rhetorical; don't answer) What is the point?

Even worse, I can't imagine beating my meat when my wife is home. No matter the size of the house (or my dong heck yeah!) or how secluded my man-lair may be, there is really no time I'd feel secure doing my thing with myself. It's sketchy enough when she's not even home. What if she walks in again!?!?

Anyway, to address your queries, yes, almost all men look at porn. I think it's pretty obvious why they do it - cause big ass glistenin' titties are awesome and watching some bimbo get plowed is way better than whatever you are currently doing (unless you're plowing some bowels right now, however doubtful that may be).

Q. Please Help Me—Tickling Co-Worker Problem!: This is going to sound like a ridiculous problem. I work part time at my mom's office, and one of my co-workers repeatedly tickles me. If I happen to be standing while sorting out documents or something, she will sneak up behind me and either poke or tickle my sides. It irritates the hell out of me as I am an extremely ticklish person. I usually burst into giggles and she seems to find this amusing. I have asked her to stop, politely and firmly, then angrily. She thinks the whole thing is a joke and doesn't take me seriously. I am the youngest employee here, and she does this only to me, maybe because she thinks it's a cute way of relating to the little girl who works at the office. I have to restrain myself from punching her in the face because it's been going on for several weeks. I can't exactly avoid her in a small office, either. When I told Mom how annoying this co-worker was, she didn't really respond, because, "Mom, Sally at work keeps tickling me" doesn't sound like a big problem. I'm thinking of quitting my job because this is so annoying and I HATE, HATE, HATE being tickled. Can you offer any advice on how to get her to stop?

A: This is not even real lol. First, I think we can safely assume we're dealing with two women here and the question will be answered as such. Don't really see two dudes tickling each other, much less one writing into an advice column about it. Maybe the tickler is a broad and the ticklee is a dude and he doesn't quite know how to handle the sitch. In his shoes, I'd probably be tempted to slug the violent tickler, (ir)regardless of gender.

Whatevs, letttuce dispense with the advice, friends. It's true, tattling to your mother, the boss, about another coworker tickling you isn't a viable solution; DON'T DO IT. You have to handle this on your own, ticklish one. Show your parents you can rise above a little tickle-action. Maybe start a full blown tickleWAR. Mount a strategic tickle-offensive. Only the thing is, my tickles hurt; at heckyeahman industries, we tickle exclusively with Smith & Wesson .357 magnums, ya smell me.

Or you can be an adult about the situation and the next time you get tickleassaulted, just stand there and give that classic one-eyebrow-raised, half smirk/half frown look of disgust, and mutter something about working in an office, being 30, and condescendingly say things like "really" and "wow, you're tickling me".

"I already told you to stop tickling me, and you're going to continue to touch me inappropriately in the office? Not sure, but you do know that we live in America, right? People and companies have been sued for much lesser offenses. You do know what a lawsuit is, right?"

It should be noted that the original answer referred to this quandary not as a problem, but as ABUSE. Going further, her suggestion is to loudly demand the ABUSER not ever touch her again.

Hey man, anything to STOP THE ABUSE AT ALL COSTS!

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