Wednesday, September 14, 2011

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: MOMVISIT

Our internet has been out since FUCKING SUNDAY NIGHT. Do you have any idea how fucking shitty it is to not have internet for the first weekend of fantasy football? What a bunch of fucking shit. FUCK YOU COMCAST, FUCK YOU ANYBODY ELSE THAT IS HAMPERING MY INTERNETTING.

Back to the PUMP, cause yo we can’t be stopped, just kinda delayed. People want the PUMP and whether it’s at 6:43am or fucking noon, I’m gonna bring the goddamn PUMP.

Enough doom ‘n gloom bullshit, let’s get to the PUMP so we can POWER THROUGH the rest of this goddamn shitty week.

Yo, so my mom came to visit last weekend. She got into town Friday evening and before I could even give her a hug, she throws a bottle of Jack Daniels at me (the whiskey, not the person). And don’t even ask: nobody brushed their teeth with it.

After chilling at the crib for a minute, we went and got pizza at goddamn UNDERGRAD CENTRAL. How undergrad was it? It was fucking raining and I still saw more fake Ray Bans than I could count. But yo, Ms. HYM wanted pizza, we frickin’ got pizza.

Eatin’ pizza with your mom and your wife pays for it PUMP!

Rained on Saturday, but that didn’t stop us from CRUSHING Borders at their going-out-of-business liquidation sale! Fifty bucks later we all had like up to 9 books! BOOK FANCY LITERATURE PUMP!

Finally the sun started to come out so we headed downtown to some stupid Farmer’s Market Homegrown Festival thing. Heckyeahwoman dropped us off, and before she could even find a parking spot, I called and ordered her to pick us up. Yeah, it was that lame. Lines and Lame-o’s, no thanks.

Have you ever heard you mom say: “yo this lame as shit let’s get the ferk outta here, cuz.”

Funny, cause my mom totally said that. Then she called me the gayest ninny bastard she’s ever seen. I think she was sneaking tugs off my flask before we left. Anyway, then we immediately headed to Alley Bar so my mom could sample a Pickleback – a shot of Jameson immediately chased with a shot of gourmet pickle juice.

Yes, gourmet pickle juice.

Then of course a little later that night, the Wolverines had an amazing comeback victory spearheaded by this year’s Heisman Trophy winner, Denard Robinson.

Sunday was a beautiful day; I took my mom on two and a half hour bike ride around Ann Arbor. She probably thought I was trying to kill her with all the hills we had to go up, and with us getting lost. But yo, I was biking too fast, I hain’t got time for a sense of direction.

Got home to check fantasy football and not only was I killing it, but Ray Rice and the Ravens were putting the fucking hammer down on the dirty, cheap shot Steelers! Loved that!

James Harrison getting slowly crushed by the massive weight of defeat PUMP!

In summary, it was great to have my mom visit, but she made us eat and drink more than we planned on.

And just because that’s the end of today’s HUMP DAY PUMP UP, don’t think for a second that the PUMP isn’t coming back in FULL EFFECT this weekend, with Heckyeahwoman’s dad coming to visit! PUMPTIME!

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