Monday, September 12, 2011

bitch move etiquette

Disregard the title for a minute please. My mom came to town on Friday evening sometime, and we are PUMPED to have our first visitors from the HeckyeahMAN side of the family, in Ann Arbor.

I would have included this on last HUMP DAY'S PUMP UP, but I totally forgot. Besides, I think there was more than enough PUMP to go around. Think of this as an extra little bonus pre-PUMP as we jump into the week: my mom visits and Heckyeahwoman's mother in law visits. PUMP!

On to the regularly scheduled post, entitled, "bitch move etiquette". Again, I emphasize this has nothing to do with my mom. I was just at a friend's house a couple months ago, doin' some drinking and it was time to leave and this thought crossed my mind.

Your friend invites you over to crush a couple cold ones - you naturally bring over whatever it is you're going to drink for the night. Common courtesy, right? Yeah. If you're not a complete total chunk of fucking bullshit, you'll bring over enough to share. Maybe you bring over a little whiskey for shots, or some wine coolers for the kids.

I'm sure you get it.

Friday night, probably even early Saturday morning, it's getting late, people are loaded, we're about ready to take off. But there are two beers left in the fridge.

Do you take them?

NO YOU DON'T TAKE THEM YOU PRICK.

I think the general rule is to leave whatever alcohol you brought over.

You leave them in the fridge as a token of gratitude to your friend(s) for letting the party take place at their house, for putting up with a bunch of drink idiots, for them seeing in the morning how badly you missed the toilet while taking many leaks, among other drunken, semi-forgivable transgressions.

Before I knew of this general etiquette, like in college, I would totally take home my two, three or one beer(s). Looking back now I am kind of embarrassed.

Say you go ahead and pull the bitch move and grab the last two beers from the scenario above. Michigan is a deposit state, meaning you pay ten cents for each beer can or bottle you buy. Then you return them at the grocery store for your money back.

Do you also grab the ten empties so you can get your goddamn dollar?

Well if you're ***ish enough to take your two full beers, what's stopping you from taking the ten empties you sneakily placed to the side, you premeditating recycling cheapskate you?

Hey man, if you gotta recycle, might as well get your deposit back.

Speaking of bitch moves, I saw some dumb bitch at the gym spill shit all over. Twice. First her water bottle splashed all over her face, spilling water all over the floor. After a slightly embarrassed smile, she looked down at the water puddle on the floor, sheepishly smiled, and moved right along.

And then a little later, she was (kindly) wiping the machine down, using the spray bottle, but then made a big mess because the cap wasn't on tight and it was leaking all over the goddamn place. Again, a sheepish smile, and she just moved on to the next machine in her pathetic circuit workout.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING YOU JUST WIPED DOWN ONE MACHINE, YOU HAVE A PAPER TOWEL IN YOUR HAND CLEAN UP YOUR MESS, MUFFINTOP!

Wrap your head around that: a dumb bitch pulling bitch moves. So meta.

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