Monday, August 15, 2011

you're not me, trust me

Sites like yelp are great. In fact, online reviews are wonderful; they've totally changed my online purchasing/shopping experiences. I'm sure most of you will agree.

But sometimes reviews go wrong. This can happen for many reasons: illiteracy, reviewing on a soapbox, trying to hard to be witty, being way too subjective or biased, among other things.

Here, we have "Heather C" reviewing a motel where we recently stayed in Northern Michigan. Let's see what she has to say about the Foothills Motel & Cafe:

So, I used to have a boyfriend from around here. Being one of the few southeast michiganders who actually doesn't have a cottage up north, I didn't get my first northern michigan experience until I was a college student...

Wait, what? A boyfriend? Complaining about being too poor to have a cabin up north? Nobody gives a shit? And one more thing, I can't stand the use of ellipsises (referred to now on as ellipses) to imply any sort of dramatic pretenses. Because most of the time it's not dramatic at all. What a bitch.

Anyway, Glen Lake has to be one of the most beautiful lakes I've ever seen. And the Foothills restaurant really just helped make my up north experience complete. It's in a cute little cottage, with friendly service and good, fresh coffee. But the food truly is the reason this place shines. I can't even describe how much better the food is here than all the other breakfast types I've been to. Fluffy pancakes (not the just add water kind), amazing bacon, perfect eggs, really good sausage gravy, crispy hashbrowns (I've been here quite a few times)... I'm actually starting to get sad I don't have a northern michigan connection now... Anyway, I've never tried anything from the lunch menu, but I'm sure that is good also. I'm really just not one to turn down a really good breakfast, regardless of the time of day.

Oh we finally get to a review of what's being reviewed, rather than a cloaked dig at her socioeconomic status not providing her the luxury of a cabin in Northern Michigan. Don't worry, she still managed to throw in a little personal pouting about not having a Northern Michigan connection.

To make it even better, prices are damn reasonable, quite a shocker from someone who spends the majority of their dining experiences in Ann Arbor. So go here if you have the chance :)

Love that the prices aren't just reasonable, but DAMN REASONABLE. I spend the majority of my dining experiences in Ann Arbor too, and there was nothing shocking about the prices. Pleasing, fair and low? Yeah. But shocking? Yeah no. When we were there a couple weeks ago, what I found more shocking was the GODDAMN ATM MACHINE EATING MY DEBIT CARD.

What the locals probably found shocking was a pretty woman (Heckyeahwoman) managing to restrain a tall, handsome and muscular dude from smashing the shit outta that goddamn ATM with a hammer.

If you're of the mind where reasonable prices are shocking when you're on vacation, you're probably insane. That's the thing about vacation - there's usually a continuum: expensive stuff for rich people and cheap things for poor people, and then medium priced stuff for the middle class. That's why you have people that can't make their mortgages going on vacation - because they can afford to.

Reviews are not a place for you to rant, preach, pontificate or blog. They are reviews. You review things with the slightest subjectivity. You provide honest insight into your experience with the product or service. You don't water it down with personal baggage or failed attempts at humor.

Here's a much more concise review of that cafe:

The cafe was fantastic - the food was great; the service was quick and it was reasonably priced. Also, the cafe closes at 3, but they have a gentleman, Duane, selling his delicious homemade sausages there from 5-9. I would absolutely recommend eating there for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Boom, done. All you need to know about the cafe.

At the end of the day, leave the wit and creativity to the masters, like me.

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