Friday, July 22, 2011

someties i love you, msn.com

No kidding, I find almost as much blogworthiness FERKING BULLSHIT in my daily morning browsing of msn.com as I do in my every day life.

Came across this article about seven things that guys hate that broads do on facebook.

What we'll do is, I'll list each thing that you, the dude, supposedly hates, and in addition to msn's drab commentary, I'll spice it up with some of my own.

1. Getting all CIA on us
"I hate it when women turn into 'spies' and go digging into your older posts/pictures trying to find dirt, and then ask you about the women they don't know. It's as if they're trying to catch you in some secret affair! Look, if it's out there for you/all too see, I'm obviously not hiding anything!"
— Mike, 32

Mike doesn't like his facebook friends looking through his public pictures and information :(

He's also a 400lb, 32 year old virgin who has never had a meaningful enough relationship to have an adult conversation about fidelity, about "the number", and about OMG WHO IS THAT SLUT YOU HAVE YOUR ARM AROUND IN THAT PICTURE?

That's, my sister, you psycho, chill.

2. Making that duck face
"I cannot stand when women post thousands of goofy faced pictures — especially that fake puckered lips pose. It's sooooo fake. Whatever happened to smiling?"
— Cameron, 30

You better get used to that stupid duck face because every bitch and their mother is doing it. No but seriously, you see a duck face; I see a monster rack that just happens to have a head attached to it.

There's this one chick that appears in my facebook feed, through mutual friends, and she makes the dumbest fucking crinkled duck face that I've ever seen. She's a goddamn granolahead and is probably picking dandelions as we speak.

3. Opening the vault
"No one wants to know how closely your life resembles the Jerry Springer show. Keep all those ugly details to yourself, please!"
— Daniel, 34

Yeah, I hate it when a broad let's it all hang out there and let's me know she's BATSHIT CRAZY, right up front, before you're six months too late and you got a bun in her oven because when you weren't looking she poked a hole in the condom. And this is coming from a guy who dated a crazy chick that is familiar with the term "blumpkin". And she tried to run me over one time.

I get it, nobody likes a loony ass slore, but if it's a slore you're potentially having relations with, PUT THAT CRAZY OUT THERE, GIRL. Red flags, man, the earlier the better.

4. Writing man-hating status updates
"It's a huge downer when women vent about men in their status updates — how we're all liars and cheaters. It's just not true! Cut it out, already!"
— Al, 25

I agree bro, I hate chicks too.

5. Posting self-portrait albums
"I find it really lame when a girl has nothing but pictures of herself on her profile. It makes me think she has no friends. It seems kind of pathetic, and seriously vain."
— Raul, 24

Raul, my man, you may hate that, but you know goddamn well you spent an hour thirteen clicking through all 457 pictures she uploaded, and you didn't see an inch of skin beneath her neck.

Now who us the real dipshit here - you, the lurking creeper failure, or her, the secret fatty?

6. Premature relationship publicity
"This one girl I was hooking up with changed her main profile picture to be a picture of the two of us together. It was way too soon — and I was still dating other girls, who had a lot of questions after that!"
— Mike, 27

See number three. Couple things about this sitch though. First, as you get older, you're going to find chicks are moving faster and faster, relationship-wise. That's because their biological clocks are ticking and they think that if they can make you think you're in a relationship with them, you'll marry them. Maternal instincts and evolution and stuff.

So here's the thing: let things move quickly, and tap that ass ASAP. I fail to see how this is bad. Like, clingy is one thing, but a chick getting a little excited about being your woman/sex slave? C'mon, there are worse things in life. Like life.

7. Artsy photos
"What's with girls posting pictures of their feet these days? Who wants to see gross toes in a picture of a nice pool or an ocean? It makes zero sense."
— Jesse, 28

Listen Jesse, you can't appreciate a woman's nicely manicured foot? Are you some kind of weirdo? You like bitches with gnarled ass toes? You like flat footed ass bitches with french manicures on gross, long, uncut toenails? Cause that's what you're sounding like. Who gives a shit about someone's goddamn foot popping up in a stupid picture of water? What other kind of shit do you have meltdowns over?

I think the REAL problem is that every chick thinks she's a photographer. From dozens of facebook photo albums consisting of the same photo of a tree with different stupid effects on each one. Congratulations cockpit, you have a camera and a computer. Nobody gives a shit. You're not artsy; you're not a photographer. And you know what else? You're not a writer either. Die.

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