Friday, July 8, 2011


Today we're going to talk about the cooking show, MasterChef, and how insane it is.

First, the premise: a bunch of contestants competing against each other to (I think) open their own restaurant or write a gay cookbook or something, I don't know.

Not one Giada, Rachel Ray or Padma - this show sticks you with three douchey buttslut bros that lack any type of wit, originality or redeeming value. Apparently they're world class chefs or restaurateurs. What does that even mean, world class?

Say one of these shitdicks is getting in your face on the street, yelling at you about some stupid crap they sure as heck can't do any better, are you just going to sit there all meek and shit with your thumb up your ass?

You? Yeah, you probably would, but let's take a look at these fruit loops from left to right, and see what we're dealing with here.

Left - Joe Bastianich. What is your name? Sounds french/foreign/shitty. One time, in an episode where the contestants were asked to recreate a former winner's dish, by only tasting it and then trying to decipher each of the 29 ingredients, he verbally lashed out at a wayward contestant: "You know when you go to a restaurant and order the same dish because you know what you're going to get? Then one time you go and there's a new chef, and you order your usual dish and it's not the same? That's the most disappointing thing you can experience."

Wait what? He didn't even say the dish tasted worse lol. Though I can get behind the general sentiment of different being worse ifuknowutimean. Srsly, if a situation like that is the most disappointing thing you can experience, that's pretty messed up.

Middle - Gordon Ramsay. Dude, you spell your name wrong - it's RamsEy. And if that's not enough, you merely stole Simon Cowel's shtick, just moving it into the kitchen. Anyone can be an asshole to subordinates, a real man is an asshole to his wife, children and superiors. Often times the meanest loudmouths are the most harmless, but your face is kind of fucked up looking - you may have been around the block a time or two.

Also, nice hair, douche.

Right - Graham Elliot, look below.

If you (kind reader) are ever at a point in your life where this guy is in a position to yell at, berate or look down on you, you're probably pretty fucked. Look at him. Hey, Tubby Lumpkins, you make Guy Fieri look cool. Ok, that's not true, but you do make that pud from Man vs Food look like he has a personality.

Listen Fatty, you want to mouth off to some idiot trying to be a cook, that's cool, but why don't you mouth off to a real man and see how long it takes before I shove a fucking apple in your mouth and throw you on the spit.

Bottom line: food is not an art; food preparation is not a contest. Just throw some goddamn chicken in the oven and cook your brussels sprouts in the microwave and get the hell out of my face.

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