Yeah, I'm a birther, but not in the traditional sense of the word. In fact, everyone at HYM Inc. is a birther. We're all birthers!
It's part of the job requirements.
In order to obtain full-time employment at the HYM offices, you must comply with our strict birther guidelines. In addition, to maintain employment at HYM Enterprises, you must continually be recertified as a birther. You need BIRTHER RECERTIFICATION ON THE REGULAR.
You see, a birther isn't just some made-up term by the left-wing media to take attention off the current administration's policies and failures; nah, it's a lifestyle. We're living the birther lifestyle.
So what exactly does it take to be a birther at HYM LLC?
Let me lay it out for you:
To qualify as a birther at HYM Industries, you've gotta give birth. And when I say "give birth", most people immediately think of the miracle of life, babies, and bringing a child into this world. We're talkin' about bringing something into this world alright.
But the kind of birth we're giving is completely devoid of life, and in fact often times takes a life in its sickening quest to see daylight. I'm talking about unleashing a turd so vile, so putrid that you literally puke all over what just came out of your butt. A bastard bowel movement so wretched and revolting, as it stews, throbs and pulses there in the human coffee, you question whether it might be some depraved demonspawn, actually clinging to what little life it managed to siphon from you on its way out.
That black, brown, kinda bloody clump of turdshit is now the highlight of your life. Congratulations, you are now officially a birther for life.
So yeah, the next time someone asks you if you're a birther, you tell 'em, "shit yeah I'm a birther, I just birthed a MONSTER a couple hours ago".
Then whip out your sweet camera phone and prove it.