Friday night - got home from work, and immediately jumped in the shower cause I was so sweaty from playing 4 games of horse at work. And I unleashed a turd the size of my fist, definitely a shower-maker.
Speaking of horse, dude, I won two games. Yes, the least coordinated, most un-athletic goombah in the office managed to win multiple games of horse. I have no idea how it happens. Probably my good looks.
Anyway, went to happy hour at this brewery in town then headed to our friends' place for more partying. Had a good time, nothing crazy eventful.
Saturday, woke up sans hangover, sucked down some coffee and went for a great bike ride. Again, almost got eaten by geese.
Almost ran some little kid over.
Almost flew into the goddamn river too. No kidding, I was flying through this dirt trail on my bike and hit some loose sand or something. My front tire turned perpenDICKular to the rest of my bike; somehow it only skidded in the dirt - I threw my foot on the ground to get the front tire in the air so I could right it, and managed to not break my knee, not fly over my handlebars, not die, not fly into the river, and not do anything other than look like a novice cyclist.
By the time I got back, it was like 3:3oish and as we all know, that's getting dangerously close to the time of rapture. With that in mind, our friends ***** and ***** were having a little rapture party at their house.
It was nice; nobody got raptured; some people got really fucked up; and we all had a good time.
Then when it was time to order pizza, ***** just went and ordered the pizza. Didn't put on a stink, didn't ask for money, didn't give anybody the guilty-I-just-ordered-pizza-and-paid-for-it dirty look. Take note cheapskates, that's how it's done when you throw a party and order food.
You just order the pizza, pay for the pizza, then enjoy the pizza as everyone else does the same. Don't make a big production, don't guilt trip anybody, just get on with the party.
Got home, poured myself a nice tall glass of rum and ginger beer cause I thought Heckyeahwoman was still down to party. Turns out she was down to go to sleep. My bad.
So I just sucked back that big ass (wait, what?), delicious drink and enjoyed some late night paid programming. Ok, "enjoyed" is kind of a strong word. Maybe "tolerated" would be better. But I'm not a tolerant person, 'specially when it comes to matters of race, color, creed, gender and class. So maybe "casually watched" would be a more appropriate description of my post-rapture party television viewing experience.
Ooohh, I almost forgot, the worst part of Saturday (besides the lack of rapture) - our soon to be deceased, overweight, PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT CAT peed, no PISSED, all over my bag of clothes needing to be drycleaned AND my gym bag.
This is the second time she's pissed on my gym bag. I know right. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you fucking bleed.
Not sure if you know, but cat pee is notoriously impossible to get out of almost everything. The putridity just lingers. My wife somehow finds this acceptable and not punishable by immediate cat-execution by CRUSHING. Unbelievable because HYW has even fallen victim to a spate of malicious cat-pissings.
I will have no remorse for that goddamned cat as I'm squeezing the last bit of life out of her. Thing is, she's just really goddamned cute, and her cries are heartbreaking. It's going to be tough. Never forget, never forgive. Stay strong.
I'm so pissed and worked up right now that I can't even type out the rest of my weekend. Let's hope that HUMP DAY PUMP UP finds me in better spirits.