Monday, April 11, 2011

weekend wrap-up part I

Quite a little weekend we had there. Started stuff off right with a game of Altered Beast at the office.

Wait, what?



Yeah, Altered Beast, the game for Sega Genesis that most of us played when we were kids. This was at like 4:30, already a beer or two into the day, when homeboy in the cube across from me busts out two (2) USB controllers and tells me to get my ass over to his cube.

So we played Altered Beast and BEAT IT. Never done that before! Awesome! Sick kick-off to what would become a dope weekend.

Mind you, this was after I declined a ticket to the Detroit Tigers opening day game.

After crushing Altered Beast, it was a mad dash home to hit happy hour with Heckyeahwoman. Or maybe it was supposed to be get loaded at happy hour then hit Heckyeahwoman. Whatever, we did the former.

It was funny, at the bar, I was describing the video game to Heckyeahwoman, and mid-description, the bartender inquires, "are you talking about Altered Beast?". Homeboy gets it.

Went to the bar to get crunk, got crunk, stopped at the organic hippie commune grocer to get some wasabi dried peas, then headed home to plan our dinner. After arguing and fighting and almost trading blows, we both said in agreement, "fuck it, let's get pizza".

So we got pizza. Waiting for the pizza, one of us had the extraordinary idea to GET MORE BOOZE! The Heckyeahs booked it down to the corner liquor store and bought the cheapest tequila and the cheapest whiskey. No kidding!

Pizza came, pizza got crushed, and after the fact, we realized we didn't get the discount that the coupon told us we would. Take note, kids, the coupon theme is going to be prevelant throughout the entire weekend, and there was maybe only a purchase or two where we didn't have coupons! Heck yeah!

Due to the pizza coma we were both suffering from/enjoying, we nixed plans to go out, in favor of watching a movie.

Meanwhile, like a week ago, Heckyeahwoman snuck a girlie movie onto our Netflix queueueueue - Revolutionary Road.

So that's what we watched. And yeah, there might be spoilers. With that said, let's talk about Revolutionary Road. If you don't know, it has Kate Winslet (winSLUT?) teaming up once again with Leonardo DiCaprio (DiCRAPrio?).

*SPOILER ALERT*

Remember what happened in Titanic? He died. Obviously they're taking turns because she dies this time around. Maybe next time we'll get lucky and they'll both die, like for real.

Anyway, the movie is about their marriage, and its gradual deterioration. They both have affairs, they both yell at each other, they both act unreasonably, they both hate their lives; it's really bad. Besides, why would I want to watch a movie about a marriage being destroyed, when I'm destroying my own marriage with booze and blogs? DUMB.

While the climax of the movie for most people is Kate Winslet's character dying, the climax for me was obviously the end credits rolling, signaling the end of that awful goddamn depressionfest. Had to immediately put RAMBO in before something terrible happened.

Seriously, the real climax of the film comes after she dies: they're at the hospital, the bad news gets delivered, tears are flowin', then all of a sudden the movie cuts to a shot of Leo sprinting up the road. Sprinting up Revolutionary Road, where they lived.

No shit: it's him, in his suit, running his ass off, no rhyme no reason, just a balls to the wall sprint. One of the best cases of unintentional hilarity possibly ever caught on film. Definitely let out a chuckle, much to HYW's chagrin.

I don't know about you, but when your wife dies, the wife that you just spent the last 5 years of your life hating, cheating on, yelling at, fighting with, going for a run would be the last thing on my mind. I'm thinkin': partyin', celebratin', bonin', boozin', druggin' and poundin'. But that's just me.

Couldn't find it on youtube, but this might be the scene:




I've said this before multiple times, when I watch a movie, I want a happy ending. I want a (positive) 90 minute escape from the mindnumbing bullshit that I live every day. I don't want to watch two people bicker, fight and relish in their own shitty shitdickery. It's almost kind of insulting: two rich, famous actors portray one miserable couple, and expect you to pay to watch their mocking portrayal of the family next door.

Is that what those fuckheads in Hollywood think of "middle America"? That we just wallow in our own shittiness? That since we can't be rich and famous, we automatically hate our jobs, spouses and kids? Well you know what, Hollywood...I don't hate my job, spouse and kids because you want me to. No, I hate them because I made a conscious, deliberate decision to hate them.

It's not art, it's not talent, it's not philosophical, it's not anything other than FUCKING BULLSHIT. Wow, end rant.

I know HYW is gonna read this: I don't hate you or my job, but I will probably hate my kids.

CATCH US ON HUMP DAY FOR A PUMP UP FEATURING THE REST OF THE WEEKEND WRAP-UP!

2 comments:

ajk said...

Blue Valentine was similar...in that it was just about a marriage where the two people just hated each other and at the end they got divorced. THE END.

Anonymous said...

May I suggest 'High Life' starring Timothy Olyphant. I think it has HYM written all over it!

-unclMike