Monday, February 7, 2011

shop locally, think globally, rofl universally

I just read a very alarming article about a family that is only buying from local businesses for a year.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have any qualms about buying from a local business, in fact, two of my good friends own a sweet local store. Sadly I have never bought anything from them (my wife has)...mainly because they don't have a lot of men's stuff, it's pretty expensive, and they don't cater to my "scumbag-chic style", opting for a clean, fashionable look instead. And I hate the environment. Doesn't mean you shouldn't check it out though. AND YOU FUCKING SHOULD.

Back to the article and family: The wife owns her own PR/Marketing firm, but what do you expect from a person who names their company Sourdough Marketing? Naming your business after the savory bookends of a Hardee's Frisco Burger? Well now that I put it like that, sounds pretty genius lol. But still, fuck them.

And the husband, ***** *******, works for a small start-up called American Express. Who? Never heard of 'em, they must be local. "Sorry boss, I can't take this paycheck, since you're not a local, small business".

I don't know, is that what cherry picking is?

Apparently their fad idea was spurred by their favorite restaurant closing down (I'm holding back tears). Funny that the author mentions the restaurant being located at a busy intersection - which, if you're a restaurant, that's where you're gonna wanna be! Place must have really sucked dong! And in truly liberal fashion, rather than blaming the restaurant for all that dong sucking, they're projecting the blame elsewhere. Yes, I'm serious.

I can't think of another business or industry that depends so much on the customer experience. A restaurant's success or failure depends solely on whether or not the product or service is worth the price being charged. If you love it, you tell your friends, and you go back; if you hate it, you tell your friends and never go back. About as black and white as it gets, folks.

Check out the new Scratch N Sniff picture widget I just added above: I can just smell the "local" in the picture.

The best part is how they argue that buying more expensive, over-priced shit actually saves money. Their logic: You go to a big-box department store for one thing, and leave with a shitload of other things, costing you more than what you initially set out to buy. Not surprisingly, they liberally shoot holes in their own argument by stating that many times, you get things for free. And as we all know, it's actually less expensive to pay money for things, rather than to get them for free. Wait, what?

The truth: if you do find yourself in that situation, again it's not big bad Target FORCING YOU AT GUNPOINT to buy things; it's your own consumerist, materialistic urges that YOU can't control. If you go to the store and buy things you don't need, that's your own fault! And if you do it enough where it's causing financial or budgetary problems within your family, please PLEASE PLEASE sterilize yourself. Then consider suicide.

As kind of a side note, these people are raising kids. That's right, ***** and ***** ******* are imparting these infallible skills of critical analysis upon their children. Can't read between the lines? No worries, neither can they or their kids(!): their kids are fucked because the parents don't know SHIT. And in this crazy world, not knowing the basics of how money or business works is not a good thing. Actually, it might qualify you for a place in Obama's administration.

Lol @ this: "Instead of spending Saturday shopping at Target, we go to the park," ******* said.

Because when I go to Target on the weekend, I spend all afternoon there, totally preventing me from working out. Who are these people? Like if you're going green and shopping locally and shit, that's cool, but why the fuck are you making these DIPSHITS your spokespeople?

Like, if you're trying to convince me to do something, doesn't it make sense for your talking head to string together coherent arguments about why I should smell what they're cooking? Kind of like how the Democrats told the media to make Sarah Palin the Tea Party mouthpiece, Inc is making these fucktards the shop locally movement's mouthpiece.

The article ends with this little nugget, from ***** *******: "I hope after 12 months we don't go on some Wal-Mart spree, because there are so many long-term benefits."

A Wal-Mart spree? So many benefits? Surely she means all the benefits that weren't mentioned in the article, the ones that were implied.

Yeah ******* family, you show those big mean companies, you show 'em what's up. Boycott those big bad stores, and hopefully others will think like you, and someday maybe those evil corporations will be out of business! Yeah, let's hope that the millions of people those companies employ all lose their jobs! Wouldn't that be awesome!?!? Fuck yeah it would, and all those unemployed people can overpay for their overpriced, pseudo organic groceries at small, local businesses, putting them further in the hole, and making it harder for them to provide for their families!

Congratulations ******* family, you just changed the world.

Also, they have a blog, and it's filled with more Abderian nonsense than you can shake a locally made stick at. Here's an excerpt:

We ate at a couple of rather uninspired places that we’d prefer to forget. Note: You won’t see bad places specifically mentioned here as we don’t want to hurt anyone’s business. But, if a place is good, we’ll definitely be writing about it.

Read: they don't want reality to interfere with their, or anyone else's, life. Fuck this family; this is what's wrong with America.

Bottom line: someone needs to ask which local business manufactured and sold them either of their Volvos, their Dockers khaki pants, their white picket fence, their Gap sweaters, the wife's Coach purse, their house, etc..

1 comment:

beer said...

Cool shout-out, homes.

And Target can ruin an entire afternoon, especially now that ours doesn't have a Taco Bell in it anymore.