Monday, February 21, 2011

happy vacation!

Let's talk about vacations for a minute.

Something just occurred to me: there are really only like four legit reasons why people go on vacation: to not have to go to work for a week or two, to enjoy a warmer climate/activities not readily available in your current locale, or to see family/friends. Last reason is probably the most common, to have something to brag about to friends and family.

Now people are going to tell you that they got to see "beautiful things", that they experienced a different culture or some equally stupid justification for spending thousands of dollars on a vacation, but the truth is that they just wanted a reprieve from their shitty life for a week and a half.

Did they get that reprieve? Kinda. But it's just an illusion. See, chances are they didn't see anything that Google doesn't already have hundreds of pictures of; they didn't experience anything so amazing and exclusive that you can't read about it on Wikipedia.

Funny thing is, I could have taken that same vacation, from my living room, for free, with my three best friends: Google, Computer and Alcohol. I wouldn't have had to get a passport, dick around at the airport two hours before my flight, deal with lost luggage, get mugged, or get frustrated with any of the challenges of traveling.

What I could have done is see all the things you saw, read about all the experiences you think you had, print recipes for all the food you think you ate, and I could have done it all while chugging beer in my living room, sitting in my underwear. Didn't cost me a cent, and I won't annoy anyone to death with a serious case of "traveler's ego". AND I got to do it in my underwear. Fact: everything is better when done in your underwear. Win win.

The worst is when people go on a supposed fantastic vacation, then force you to look through their horrible, tragically mundane pictures. Again, you could look at those same pictures, from much better photographers, without sacrificing 45 minutes of your life to the insane ravings of how "they" went there, and how "amazing" it was. Speaking of amazing, I CANNOT STAND when people refer to bands as "amazing". But that's something we'll talk about at a later time.

Listen, nobody gives a shit that you got your picture taken next to a volcano. You told me about it three times and I believe you, but I don't need to look at 25 slightly different photographic variations of you and a volcano. There are, however, two scenarios where I want to see a picture of you and a volcano: the first is you falling into it, and the second is it erupting all over you. Have a picture of that? No? Then I don't give a shit.

OK, yeah but maybe I’ll look at your pictures of your vacation to Bali, but only to get a glimpse of your fat girlfriend in her bikini on the beach. C'mon, maybe a nipslip or something, bro.

Oh, you flew to South Africa last summer to watch the World Cup? That's funny, I got just as drunk as you, except I wasn't up at 6AM watching soccer games with a bunch of people that hate me. But the cultural experience, man! Newsflash - getting drunk as shit, snacking on boerewors, and retreating back to your hotel room is not immersing yourself in local South African culture. Note that you immersing yourself in a vat of boiling water would be something I'd be interested in.

And no, I don't want to see your pictures. Unless of course there is a great shot of you getting eaten by some sort predatory animal.

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